00:00:04
[Laughter]
00:00:12
let me get a third shot of the thing it looks like c o bond but it's siobhan granny granny granny granny green
00:00:19
miata [Laughter]
00:00:45
[Laughter] you two are bad friends who are these two idiots
00:00:51
why dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting
00:00:56
well you two or something we're bad friends me lucky charm me me lucky twilight um happy saint patrick's day
00:01:03
happy sun bachelorette club patrick's day it's the lovely day we drink a lot of beer and we kiss each
00:01:10
other hey don't tell your father or your mother that you're gay it's saint
00:01:16
patrick's day drink another beer oh the rainbow is
00:01:22
that yeah somewhere over the rainbow is a irish uh it is i brought my irish stat
00:01:28
stein here so i can have what about this one what about jump jump jump that song isn't
00:01:35
that irish [Laughter] how's the pain
00:01:44
is that irish i don't know i always do when i look at them in that video i think that they're irish
00:01:50
well house of pain is irish yeah because they're a green they're not green people they wear green
00:01:56
a lot they're green yeah they're irish they're always in green outfits and whatnot i'm gonna drink
00:02:01
guinness for for the [ __ ] oh here we go this is for the motherland yeah but i'm in recovery baby i want to
00:02:08
drink it so bad bob i've had drinks in front of you before
00:02:13
are you this is is this bad you can no no you don't get any of this i've had drinks in front of you multiple
00:02:19
times i know i like it you have green you have green this is a green pearl edition sugar-free red bowl
00:02:26
whoa same hair oh thank you i have to drink because i want to be able to have a soda pop
00:02:33
[Music] pretty good welcome to the show look at hi rude put on your beard please look at
00:02:39
this big look at the size of this thing dude i like it i like the way your cheeks get
00:02:46
rosy you're like really rosy cheeky look at you that's because i was out in the sun
00:02:52
no i don't think so i think it's saint patrick's day your uh your cheeks are all real well whenever it's saint patrick's saying my cheeks get a little
00:02:58
rosy yeah what can i say you know what's my wife's name too when you get rolls i think you're gonna have plump red cheeks
00:03:04
yeah i'm going to be fat like plump though but i'm going to be fat yeah yeah i'm looking for it i'm excited to get fat yeah i love that you
00:03:10
have green onions today i didn't have any adr and they did a close-up of my face yeah and my face went from each end
00:03:17
of the screen that's how [ __ ] fat i am no i'm not kenyan you're wide and they had two little heads here which was you
00:03:24
know magnum and perdita right and then my big [ __ ] blob yellow
00:03:29
[ __ ] gross face big flat head and you can see my [ __ ] liver spots you don't have any liver spots baby i do on the
00:03:36
side babe is that what those are what do you think it was lesions yeah lesions lesions
00:03:42
i thought it was lesions what you got self-conscious about your adr because you're looking a little less so um
00:03:48
we were gonna did you see chris d recently yeah you did today yeah no couple days ago he's
00:03:54
humbled down chris d is in town i know that he is yeah and so that we were gonna prank him by what
00:03:59
well we're going to send send pubes to them but he's in la for the next three months he would send pubes to them but
00:04:04
they saved our pubes but they pranked us twice how what did they what do you mean no they didn't they sent us poo they sent
00:04:10
us poo that's it they gave you kovid
00:04:15
that's the best prank in the world and he didn't even get it i know he didn't even get it that's the prank though i
00:04:22
know oh that are these chocolates we got to get them back i know well what do we have to do send you [ __ ] and give
00:04:27
you covert imagine that poop poop in the mail and cover it in the cove in my life yeah that's [ __ ] that's insane i know
00:04:33
we should kill those guys yeah the disrespect is insane open your mouth i got a chocolate for you no i don't wanna that's i don't right now i'm only fifty
00:04:41
come on all right okay close um rudy you don't oh there you go
00:04:52
how does that feel comfortable um it's fine it's not itchy it's not itchy wait a minute was there any
00:04:58
did we talk about this were there ever any redheads um in the philippines no never right you've never seen one but
00:05:05
if you did see what would you guys do you dig a hole you dig yeah i think andrew was the first one i've seen i'm
00:05:12
the first redhead you've ever seen in your life yeah how scary was that i thought it was weird yeah exactly
00:05:20
right okay because you're used to it you know i mean you see like the movies right yeah you see redheads on film oh
00:05:27
you know you see them so also look look look one of your favorite from uh one of your favorite characters he's a redhead oh yeah no no but in real life like you
00:05:34
know when i was a kid i would watch scary things like you know uh lucille ball
00:05:40
scary yeah because i love lucy wasn't scary because her i know but her hair was so red it was so scary
00:05:47
right and then you see like it the first one yeah you're like oh [ __ ] he's one of ours and then when you see one for the
00:05:53
first time a redhead right there is a shock to it yeah a little bit yeah a little bit like
00:05:58
that's real we're a dying breed there's only look up how many redheads are are on earth i bet you there's let's guess
00:06:04
how many how many reds you think are on for real genuinely 845 million
00:06:10
what what an insanely bad guess what 845 million redheads
00:06:16
how could that be you know how many people are in the how many people are in the united states in the world you said right yeah but how many people in the
00:06:21
united states 350 million yeah exactly so you think double the population of the united
00:06:26
states is redheaded you're right let me take can i get can i take that back yeah because that's you're absolutely dumbest math i've ever heard
00:06:32
it's insane i just threw it out there all right we'll give me another one all right well i drink my gunners i would say there's 183 million redheads on
00:06:40
planet earth okay rudy what do you think how many redheads are on planet earth right now maybe like
00:06:48
six percent what what is happening in here yeah six
00:06:54
percent of the earth is redhead is that what you think yeah okay six percent of the total population i would say the number would be around
00:07:00
like two and a half million redheads two million redheads on earth two million that's it yeah can i can i
00:07:07
adjust 140 million less than two wow so who was the closest
00:07:14
i was we were i said 183 million you first guessed 800 million
00:07:19
you first guessed 800 million i know but my second guess though okay which is the real guess is i was the closest to 140 million
00:07:26
people that's approximately scotland boasts the highest percentage of natural redheads with 13 percent of that country being redheaded yeah there we go
00:07:33
wow and they're treated the worst are they really we're treated worse than any other kind
00:07:38
of person on earth that's uh oh my god really who's lower than us the jews
00:07:45
what in the history of time redheads in the history of time we were persecuted as well you guys were put in
00:07:52
in concentration camps and put into [ __ ] mass mass killings yep
00:07:58
yep they did it never never heard of it yes they did look up the redhead genocide look at the ginger genocide
00:08:03
you've never heard of ginger genocide is there a ginger yes sir look up the ginger genocide the ginger genocide
00:08:09
oh you know what 1648 northern ireland was oppressed right by england of course yeah so that's still a battle going on
00:08:16
nra genocide right there click on it what happened there was a ginger genocide
00:08:22
a crime that will be committed in late 2009 early 2010 to exterminate all ginger [ __ ] and their children
00:08:28
[Laughter] in 2009 it didn't happen we got they could never happen they didn't get us
00:08:34
yeah they planned the attack and we didn't they didn't it wasn't it didn't happen yeah you know why we're too swift baby
00:08:41
yeah but when i when i look at um reddited people i don't think um
00:08:47
i just feel disgusted no there's no feeling of like i want to hurt them or i want to oppress them
00:08:52
you feel bad for them i don't feel bad for them i'm a little leprechaun
00:08:58
who is that girl hey jennifer anderson is it yeah she was in the first one
00:09:04
and the original yeah god she looks the exact same now 30 years later or whatever that is yeah i
00:09:10
love actors that like have done bad movies in the before they could be what do you mean lebron was a great movie
00:09:15
okay great movie but it was cool to see like johnny depp in the first um nightmare on elm street street
00:09:22
another great movie i don't know you're referencing two great movies wait wait wait nightmare on elm street
00:09:29
stop you're saying that leprechaun correct and nightmare elmshoe is a cult classic
00:09:36
sure so leprechaun no it's no not the britcon's not yes it is the only reason we know about it is
00:09:41
because it's a gold classic is it good so i should go watch it tonight i would absolutely watch it again what's it about it's about a
00:09:47
leprechaun no but what happened it's right in the title what happens though maybe that's regular size
00:09:54
this is a scene from leprechaun are you being are you kidding me this is incredible how do you how did you print this up so quickly
00:10:00
oh [ __ ] wow he's on top of it so this is a part of the movie so obviously who's tory jennifer anderson yes yes can i
00:10:06
play you you have to play the leprechaun obviously of course yeah
00:10:12
i'll play i'll play okay and then rudy you have to read this uh the stage directions okay okay this is the table
00:10:18
read let's imagine this is the table read for leprechauns what year was that 19 in the 90s 92 yeah 93 93 so here we
00:10:26
go all right stage okay so this is the table read for leprechaun thanks all for coming and rudy jules take it away well
00:10:33
let's let the writer let the writer have a little announcement they sometimes do that yeah yeah yeah okay so i'm i'll
00:10:39
just play the writer as well hi i'm clips fitzsimmons cliff fitzsimmons
00:10:51
that's my name and i thank you welcome to um my movie that i wrote called leprechaun
00:10:58
and ex inspiration was um i lived in ireland for many many years well you grew up there right cliff yes i
00:11:05
did and when did you move to the united states cliff in the 83 1983 in 1983 yeah
00:11:11
what brought you the states um the desire to i'm a filmmaker i'm a writer and you didn't want to do
00:11:16
anything over there was there was nothing going on there's nothing going on it's so it's [ __ ] up over there a lot of redheads so um here we and i this
00:11:23
this this movie is um just from dear to my heart because it
00:11:29
reminds me of my childhood yeah back on the ruling hills of uh dublin oh wow
00:11:34
yeah okay wonderful well um uh sir sir please take it away yeah well
00:11:41
i'm the writer that's the director oh my god you're the director of the film what is your name again just announce yourself i'm jose
00:11:47
[Laughter] jose okay what a hairy face of it hispanic guy
00:11:54
jose what [ __ ] movie jose archnold
00:11:59
arsenal was the archduke ladies and gentlemen jose
00:12:08
all right jose why won't you take us through the film here we go tori holds a bag of gold the leprechaun
00:12:14
magically appears is that me gold what the hell are you
00:12:20
i'm a leprechaun me dear here this is what you're looking for right tori holds
00:12:25
out the bag of gold the leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hand my powers
00:12:30
are returning the left comes cut what's going on i wrote it as me
00:12:37
i'm sorry it's me powers are returning not mine
00:12:42
so okay stage direction go ahead sorry sorry sorry please read it again it's all right tori holds out the bag of gold
00:12:49
the leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hands what the [ __ ] what in table race they don't have a
00:12:56
[ __ ] a gopher what the [ __ ] are you doing
00:13:01
it's a table read this we're not rehearsing the [ __ ] table races oh all right let's start from the top let's
00:13:07
go let's go again good stuff jose uh since i wrote it yeah it's cliff here so
00:13:13
hey cliff yeah hey so um can you play it more real maybe a little bit more real yeah okay no
00:13:19
problem thanks uh jose jose say your last name again archnold arsenal
00:13:27
jose arsenal the director yeah go ahead jose when you're ready and i am cliff fitzsimons yeah i know mr mcv mcfit
00:13:33
simmons i am aware of who you are toy holds out the bag of gold the leprechaun magically appears
00:13:40
real no this is way too old it's it's where it says magically
00:13:46
just play the leprechaun reel as real as you can okay tori holds out a bag of gold the leprechaun magically appears
00:13:53
very good very good very often
00:14:00
is that me cool what the hell are you i'm a leprechaun
00:14:06
we did there we go here this is what you're looking for right tori holds out the bag of gold the
00:14:12
leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hands me powers are returning
00:14:17
the leprechaun shakes the bag
00:14:24
it sounds like me gold the leprechaun opens the bag it looks like me gould
00:14:31
the leprechaun smells the bag it smells like less
00:14:38
a little less please the leprechaun is the gold it tastes like me a girl
00:14:45
okay you're fired why it's it's you're i'm the leprechaun i know you're you're
00:14:51
the leprechaun we have matthew mcconaughey yeah yeah is that me gold there we go
00:14:57
let's do with matthew go ahead matthew all right don't even do the hdr go first line go ahead matthew
00:15:03
all right send me gold man semi gold man yeah what the hell are you
00:15:09
i'm almost i'd be a leprechaun hey dude okay here this is what you're looking for
00:15:14
right ooh my powers are returning
00:15:19
before the next line can you say all right all right yeah all right all right all right it looks
00:15:25
like me gold that's right effects all right all right all right all right it looks like migo yeah leprechaun smells a
00:15:32
bag all right all right it smells like big o
00:15:37
oh you're hired matthew thank you amazing why don't you play the leprechaun then if you don't like the way that i'm playing lebron you play it
00:15:43
and i'll play tori because i wrote the [ __ ] i'm not an actor i'm [ __ ] clifford neither am i obviously you just
00:15:48
fired me off the movie oh sorry all right so you play the leprechaun oh okay no you know what you play the leprechaun i can't do that yes you can i kid you
00:15:56
yes you can try it go ahead and read it again uh george uh uh jorge uh what is it oh say arsenal
00:16:04
arsenal and dome and where the [ __ ] do you get archenold from where would that even you're where does
00:16:09
your bra archnold hey cliff mcfarland i know mr mcfadden we're gonna get to you in a second no
00:16:15
but it's my culture to always you know say my name first all right okay so hi i'm
00:16:20
hi so i just want to let you know that you're degrading our ethnic immigrant he's an immigrant director
00:16:27
i just don't understand the sundance and what's the the movie you did for sundance the short film about the uh
00:16:33
mexican immigrants crossing the border go was it that beautiful movie that clap
00:16:38
the boat clap the boat you never saw clap the boat are you telling me you directed clap the boat
00:16:44
that was your film clap the boat was you got the boat that's one of the best movies i've ever seen in my life i know
00:16:51
do you know what the movie is tell them what the movie's about i know clap the bone i love the bow yeah the movie's
00:16:56
about these mexican immigrants they want they're trying to cross the border correct yeah right and they're and they
00:17:01
don't know how right they're trying to figure out if they're trying to dig a hole underneath the wall out in the wall
00:17:07
they try to go over it right yep and then right yeah your main lead what's his name
00:17:13
who's the lead actor in that movie it was uh yeah it was what
00:17:29
she builds a bone she's so good she's so good so good so good in the movie alexandra right and then what do they do when she
00:17:35
builds a boat [Laughter] there wasn't a dry eye in the theater
00:17:41
i'll tell you that there wasn't a drought honestly i'm not even i'm not joshing around anymore yeah clap the boat was one of the best movies
00:17:47
i've ever seen in my entire well then give then don't talk to him all right okay
00:17:52
go ahead all right sir can you please read the direction so we can get through the scene of leprechaun where boob is playing lep and i'm playing tory okay
00:18:00
tori holds a bag of gold the leprechaun magically appears does that make old
00:18:05
[ __ ] where the hell are you i'm a luck leprechaun my dear
00:18:23
tori holds out the bag of gold the leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hands my powers are returning
00:18:31
what is that that's what you're doing the leprechaun shakes the back it sounds
00:18:36
like my gold the leprechaun opens the bag it'll clock may go the leprechaun
00:18:42
smells the beauty it smells like me gold the leprechaun taste it tastes like my gold the leprechaunicus is totally right
00:18:49
um oh god oh oh god oh oh god you know arch is that your name no jose that's
00:18:54
jose jose i think you should play i think i think jose should do the labracon
00:19:02
yeah i think yeah yeah we're trying to do an irish accent ah we i just [ __ ] did it we taught you
00:19:08
how to do iron clips cliff vic fitzsimmons here mr mcfix simmons if i may speak for mr mcfit-simmons
00:19:15
he did give it his best effort and sir you're directing this movie we'd love to see how you would take it
00:19:25
you know what i mean yeah you should look i'll do this the stage directions if you don't mind you play uh torrey i'll be tori is yeah okay
00:19:32
tori holds a bag of gold the leprechaun magically appears is that me gold
00:19:39
pretty good pretty good what the hell are you
00:19:45
i'm a leprechaun my dear [Laughter]
00:19:51
here is this what you're looking for the bag of gold the leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hands
00:19:58
my powers are returning the leprechaun shakes the bag
00:20:05
it's so hard you're going it's it sounds like my gold
00:20:11
the leprechaun opens the bag it looks like my gold the leprechaun smells the
00:20:16
bag it smells like gold give her a round of applause very good
00:20:22
hey you should direct it and start garnish hey
00:20:28
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00:23:44
you something go ahead you're fine you know you're famous on other podcasts so much bigger than you even know what
00:23:50
do you mean you were mentioned i sent this to the guys you got mentioned on one of the most
00:23:57
famous race car drivers he was on a podcast and they talked about you of all time dale
00:24:04
earnhardt okay can i just say this though dale i love dale by the way yeah oh you should because he loves you but
00:24:09
can i i don't know if this is his show if you're gonna i'm i have i've i've been depressed all day
00:24:15
they talk about you i've been depressed all day so if this is slamming me i'll take it it's not simon but it's going to
00:24:20
add on to my depression it's not slamming you dress is this slamming him no pricing look at this they talk about you i'm
00:24:26
like blaney just walked into this room with magnum p.i there was somebody else that was famous in in that scene there
00:24:33
was that ken jong the guy from the hangover that's right that's right and there was um
00:24:40
[Laughter]
00:24:47
hey man it was great seeing magnum p.r dude hey let me tell you something can i say something right now
00:24:54
you know that ken did the show right i know but they think it's you no they think it's
00:25:04
no way they think it's you the reason why did you do magnum pi i swear to god he did it when i sort of
00:25:11
got it google it did can do magnum i swear to god he did the reason why i did it and i can talk to listen
00:25:17
right let's call gene hong okay call him gene hong is the producer
00:25:22
of magnum pi one of them okay and i'll call him right now okay okay and you're gonna look like a
00:25:29
[ __ ] fool right now i didn't put that clip because he's really mentioning ken jung in it
00:25:35
and so why would that be a slam on me
00:25:41
okay buddy hey gene this is i'm i'm on my podcast bad friends real quick and um i just have to ask you a question
00:25:48
okay was did ken jung did magnum pi before i was on it right
00:25:53
yeah there we go that's all i wanted but thank you so much but but but whose performance was better ken or bob
00:25:59
no don't say this this performance was better ken or bobby i love you g gene gina i'll talk to you later i love you
00:26:04
thank you i'll talk to you later you you're so how funny is that bit now let's play
00:26:12
it again all right you try to slam me that wasn't
00:26:17
me yeah i have nothing to do with the clip yeah it's like if if bill burr did magnum pi
00:26:23
right and you did it before him and some guys i saw andrew santino on the show how the [ __ ] would that first of all
00:26:29
yeah neither bill nor myself would do magnum p.i
00:26:36
what's so funny what did that tickle your fancy bones yes
00:26:43
first of all i'd be lucky to be on magnum piano it's a great piece of television and i think you do a great job every time you're every time you're
00:26:48
on the show every time you're on the show you kill it i love the way that backfired yeah it feels so good way to ruin a bid
00:26:55
for the show what do we what the [ __ ] did you want me to do go along with it uh-huh no i will not now that's a good
00:27:02
fight back it was a good fight back i'd rather win to get laughs
00:27:07
to win right yeah an argument for you that's been your fault yeah yeah and i love that back for it on you and let's
00:27:12
just sit on that for a second let's sit on the fact let's send it out yeah yeah yeah you did you did a bit right no that's not me i'm
00:27:19
sure you're doing it right and it backfired in your stupid redheaded face
00:27:26
i'm thinking my best take off your vest yeah oh i love it i love it jules got into uc riverside
00:27:32
let's give it up for jew clap the boat clap the boat and what other schools are you applying to
00:27:39
um there's still a lot i'm still waiting for um what are you where's the one you want to go to jules what's the one that
00:27:44
you're like i really want to get into um i'm waiting for long beach but i've heard that there's a lot of peop
00:27:50
students who have long beach state yeah rejected the dirt bags that's what they're called the dirt bags
00:27:55
do you know that yeah the pyramid you're gonna get in you're so smart you're gonna get it you're gonna get
00:28:02
weird it's not even my kid but i feel like she's a part of my family and so now i get a little anxious about her getting into school really it just feels
00:28:09
oh i want her to win write a letter to this any school that she oh yeah can we do that what if we do
00:28:15
a video submission to your school yeah can we do that i don't know what up long beach state
00:28:21
how i mean can we can we help in any way i don't know no they don't give a [ __ ] about us i like to promote a new podcast
00:28:34
that's one of the reasons why that's like my favorite role play is always 1800's because before that they didn't
00:28:39
use their hands everything was like bobbing for apples you do century based wait you do century-based role-playing
00:28:46
yeah you have to really go back in time you look at you look like you look at the whole stretch of history and then
00:28:53
you choose a point in time and then you use that as as you know a jump off historical
00:28:59
historical rules you have to do research beforehand okay it's one of my favorite new podcasts it's called bloodbath
00:29:04
kalila annie letterman and esther pavitsky yeah do a great show called bloodbath i openly said how much i liked
00:29:11
it on my show i like it a lot and i like their chemistry yeah so please tune in tune in and watch it yeah um it's
00:29:18
actually very good i said to kyla i thought it was very good and the and the one the one there's one thing i don't
00:29:23
like about it what do you think of that is george yeah yeah the fact that he has anything to do with that is annoying to me well what's annoying about george is
00:29:29
is that he's well let's go down the list well i'll tell you let's start i have a big list so you do
00:29:35
one i'll do one you do one i'll do one go let's go as fast as we can go well no because i have to when i say his
00:29:41
face go ahead oh that's a good one um he's his laugh go ahead deceiver
00:29:48
um an opportunist manipulator opportunistic uh not as tall as he says he is yeah um
00:29:56
two two left feet yeah two left nuts uh blind in his left eye yeah um
00:30:04
aneurysms fake wife yeah paid for wife bad breath go
00:30:11
[Laughter] hey did you see the heavens gate documentary have we talked about that yet no
00:30:17
you know what heaven's gate is no you don't know what heaven's gate is i know what the gate would be when i get
00:30:24
to heaven i know what that is i know i know but there was the group of people it was a cult okay it was a cult of people right and
00:30:30
in the 90s they were found somewhere in san diego right yeah they
00:30:36
were all they had all committed suicide this is it is this the kool-aid no they so they thought that so there
00:30:41
was a there was a comet coming i think it was haley's comment right haley's comment right and so they thought that that they were all going to kill that in
00:30:47
themselves right and then they were gonna enter a spaceship that was at the end of haley's comet
00:30:55
right oh wow right and then they were gonna go to heaven that way right but it's been a cult that's been around
00:31:00
since the 70s how did they kill how do they suicide each other they drank some sort of potion oh kool-aid that was the
00:31:06
whole thing yeah it was kool-aid but then they had all they all had nikes on why they loved it and they also had a
00:31:12
they also had a roll of coins like quarters cortez they wore cortez yeah they had quarters
00:31:19
did they not have quarters yeah i forget what the quarters were for i think it's in heaven uni and then they
00:31:24
all have to they all there's vending machines yeah like to get into heaven and then also um you need a roll of
00:31:30
quarters to get into heaven what an insane idea i know but they had it right and then they also frustrated themselves
00:31:36
it's good to see you much castrated themselves do you have the role of quarters they all castrated themselves yeah yeah
00:31:42
so they all cut off their genital they cut
00:31:48
what do they call that that's castrated they're they're nut sack that's castrated yeah when you cut off your
00:31:53
source of reproductives and but one of them why would you imagine someone saying to
00:31:59
get into heaven you have to cut off your nuts i know what would you say i'm going to hell three guys cut off my [ __ ] no no
00:32:06
no no three guys who had been a part of the cul for many many years yeah went
00:32:13
that's the line yeah i'm in but i'm out yeah yeah i'm gonna keep my balls yeah let me have my balls right but
00:32:20
so but one of the guys like imagine if they said they were gonna lop off one of your boobs what would you if they say you can get ultimate freedom in heaven
00:32:26
but they're gonna lop off a boob what would you say i'll ignore them yeah but would you still stay in the cold
00:32:33
i wouldn't be in a cult you would you're in one now you're in one now this is called the bad friend
00:32:39
says without a doubt you're one of the leaders no yeah by the way when she squints her eyebrows
00:32:44
and says no it's so funny with us that's that's what i look like every day of my life yeah oh right there the big
00:32:50
bushy eyebrows shift station y'all y'all know how we get our stuff out to the public you all
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00:35:50
friends it's just why do these cults have to have so many weird rules to get into have we i saw the thing
00:35:57
there was a thing online maybe vice did a whole thing about the woman um mother god do you know the mother god
00:36:04
do you know this woman look up mother god this woman here who's like an alcoholic and it's here i think it's here in l.a
00:36:10
like mother gr do mother god call yeah that's it cult leader this this woman bonk absolute bonkers
00:36:17
out of her mind and she says she's the reincarnation of god a million times over she's like a alcoholic and these
00:36:23
people bought into this [ __ ] and you you listen to some of these interviews you can't believe
00:36:28
yeah intellectual people would do it because they're educated like they're adults
00:36:34
and they got sucked in and i don't know you there's no way to know how i don't know how they get how do you
00:36:39
think what's the thing that gets people into these things it's well usually cults get people when trauma yeah when
00:36:46
somebody is in a crossroads in their life like for instance like my girl i've caught my girlfriend
00:36:53
cheating on me right and she just broke up with me right and then the next day and then you pray no this is real they
00:37:00
pray like to god or whatever like please give me a sign right and then the next
00:37:05
day some guy with like alien ears shows up at your door and goes you know
00:37:11
yes yes will you please join michael yes and they're they think that that's a sign
00:37:17
from god right that they should do it you can look for a sign can be anything i can name you ten things that happened
00:37:22
today that if you wanted them to be assigned they would be a sign yeah but that that's my whole point i do
00:37:28
i do believe coincidence happens for a reason no cut it out will you you
00:37:33
bob no i do believe that you believe in fate or you believe in coincidence coincidence and fate are two different
00:37:39
things for a reason so you believe in fate i do you tell you a story
00:37:46
yeah i'm putting my seatbelt no it's a it's not a funny story what what is it though but can i just tell you what my
00:37:52
point ask rudy rudy may yeah why why
00:37:58
why there's just no enthusiasm at all
00:38:04
i'm rudy ask me if you can tell the story can i tell a story please yeah
00:38:10
so unhappy i'm not gonna tell the story now that sucks no please tell it all right
00:38:16
so this is why i believe this is gonna so when i um
00:38:22
when i was 17 years old people know my story but when i was 17 years old i got sober yeah and i went to this place
00:38:28
called the mcdonald center which is a rehab from from modern i
00:38:33
think ronald mcdonald the mcdonald mcdonald's foundation does four yeah they do that right yeah but i never saw a clown all right so
00:38:39
they didn't serve [ __ ] mcdonald's i don't think anybody thinks that they
00:38:44
just [Laughter]
00:38:51
if you look at my instagram early on in my instagram there's a photo of me when i the first day i was at the
00:38:57
mcdonald's they're wearing my um fatigues not fatigue what do they call them um fatigues like army non-fatigue
00:39:03
what do you call them the uh medical like a gown like a gown oh wow i was wearing like a medical clinic why do
00:39:09
they put you in that you can't just do regular clothes huh no in the beginning they no because it's a hospital it was a
00:39:14
scripps hospital right oh scripps yeah so i'm like in terms of i'm really sick i'm detoxing
00:39:19
yeah right so there's a photo of me just you know i mean i'm here you know what i mean dude how funny you're detoxing all like twerking
00:39:26
out in the background ronald mcdonald's like hey [Laughter]
00:39:32
yeah yeah mcdonald's mcdonald's wants to help you get solder yeah that's working out and drooling yeah so
00:39:38
then um so you go to sleep i go there and i you know i meet this um
00:39:44
korean man because when i was in rehab i said um
00:39:50
there aren't i've been to a meeting i lied and i said you know you never see asians you never see asians in recovery
00:39:57
so what what you know i mean i don't think that i am one what do you mean you don't i don't think i'm a drug addict right right i was
00:40:03
using all these you know excuses yeah defense mechanisms correct and um so one day this guy shows up and he's
00:40:09
wearing he has tattoos to his wrists uh-huh right and he had an accent because he came
00:40:15
here when he was 14 years old from korea because hi
00:40:21
that's the way and that's i'm your sponsor
00:40:26
and he saved my life you don't get to pick your sponsor this time i didn't he he showed i didn't he didn't say
00:40:32
he it was just like i could have said no but i just said yeah i think this is
00:40:38
that's not that that's not the question was he scary though at first he was yeah he had white hair yeah but you know he like he became it
00:40:45
looked like yeah like a mortal kombat yeah and he um really came my father you
00:40:52
know like a father figure he saved my life like when i was 17 i had missed so much school right that
00:40:58
my senior year i got sober and i came back and they were like you have to take a zero period a lunch period and night
00:41:05
classes for you to graduate there's no way you can do it so i call down i'll do another year and dan goes no
00:41:12
you're doing it so i show up zero period lunch period and i did all that yeah and i graduated
00:41:19
yeah with my class okay and then i got out of that i got out of high school and you know
00:41:26
i would go to meetings use my sponsor this and that and then what ended up happening was i started doing stand-up
00:41:32
when i was 23 years old in la jolla right at the store at the store and i
00:41:37
stopped going to meetings so i just slowly lost all their numbers
00:41:43
you just stopped talking i started talking i stopped going to meetings and i just started just show business
00:41:49
was it all i did was hang out with the shores or you know i mean did open mics you
00:41:55
know i mean it was everything yeah and i did that for many many years it got to the point where i didn't even
00:42:01
see myself i wasn't drinking or doing drugs but i didn't even see myself as a
00:42:06
drug addict or alcoholic anymore okay just a performer yeah and i had nothing it was just like something of my past
00:42:12
when i was a young guy right right so then when i i got my tv i relapsed
00:42:19
okay for the from the celebration yeah what it's from the celebration no from
00:42:24
the i hated it the stress and the pressure because when i showed up at mad tv the first thing one of the producers
00:42:30
said is i just don't think that you're funny right he called me in his office and he goes i don't think that you're funny what's his name i'm not gonna say
00:42:35
his name what's his name all right we'll talk to you later no but he said he doesn't think you're funny call him the [ __ ] out who is he where the [ __ ] is he
00:42:41
now no because where the [ __ ] is he now he he's a big producer oh he is on what
00:42:47
what are you getting so angry about telling you a [ __ ] story i don't like him talking [ __ ] i know so he goes i don't think you're funny i don't think
00:42:52
you're right for the show and when he said that i just you know it just and i could see like his
00:42:59
group of writers and whatever not write me [ __ ] right and there were many shows where i couldn't even get on right
00:43:06
it was just terrible so i just did drugs right so two years on that show i did drugs right and then they fired me
00:43:14
okay and i ended up right in some detox back in san diego
00:43:20
right back where i started okay i didn't have a car and also it was one
00:43:25
of those hippie places where they only fed you like organic foods no meat and
00:43:30
wheatgrass like a wheatgrass farm whether you had to put kalon wheatgrass colonic in your ass and i was detox of a
00:43:37
viking and so i'd wake up like shaking with green [ __ ] wheatgrass squirting
00:43:43
out of my [ __ ] in a bathroom completely naked shaking with no like medical there was no medical it was a
00:43:50
hippie farm there was no medical facility right and i just knew that i just needed something
00:43:56
you know i mean i needed a recovery like a real recovery so one night i [ __ ]
00:44:02
escaped right i i had a little bit of money and
00:44:07
it was two in the morning i had to climb a 50-foot wall like like a old-school
00:44:12
wall in a forest right what's so funny it's just what it is it's crazy it's a facility with 50-foot
00:44:19
wall yeah it was like a night it was in the forest right right i climbed this wall and i ran down
00:44:26
like three miles down the field right and i see
00:44:32
like a freeway and then beyond the freeway i see vaughn's
00:44:37
a grocery store yes 24 hours right so i run it i run into this vons and i'm
00:44:43
dirty you know i mean i'm wearing like a hospital garb on right
00:44:48
and i i'm in the fruit section of course where else would you be right
00:44:54
to get an apple right i pick up an apple i get a tap on my shoulder
00:45:00
it's dead no no it's dan's friend
00:45:05
[Laughter]
00:45:10
sorry the perfect part of that story would be it's dan no it's dan's friend
00:45:17
somebody that knows dan sorry go ahead and finish yes a green apple or a red apple by the way a red one yeah i like
00:45:24
delicious fuji fuji food oh delicious yeah like red delicious so i turn around like and he goes eat me
00:45:29
will he and i kind of vaguely remember him and i go oh [ __ ]
00:45:35
you're dan's friend you know yeah i'm sober that's how i knew him from sobriety sure
00:45:40
and he goes it's so weird that you're here because this is what he said he goes i was speaking at a meeting in
00:45:48
arizona right and i was driving down the aid
00:45:53
right and something told me to pull over here
00:45:58
like at the grocery store yeah there's no reason why i'm here i go oh that's weird he goes
00:46:03
and i see you and i go oh and he goes you want dan's number
00:46:09
so he gives me dan's number right the next day dan and all my old a people
00:46:15
right start picking me up from this place to take me to meetings wow okay
00:46:21
so that's why i believe in i believe in coincidences
00:46:26
wow yeah and it saved my life i got so i i i stayed sober for 17 years after that
00:46:33
wow do you want to get us i had to throw in a choke
00:46:40
can i tell you mike i no i i know it's actually a beautiful story can i i no i believe in i believe in certain
00:46:46
things i don't understand why the universe throws stuff at us i'll tell you one but i'm going to keep it
00:46:52
private be for the sake of the person that the story is about but the girl a girl that my high school girlfriend
00:46:58
um i hadn't spoken to her obviously and god knows how long right i was going to do a gig and i flew this
00:47:04
was like um marco island florida remember marco island the gig you know yeah that gig yeah yeah i always said no to that gig
00:47:11
yeah i said yes a lot and i needed it yeah and i flew into miami and then i drove i was rented a
00:47:16
car to drive there yeah and on the way i thought oh we
00:47:22
i lost my virginity in marco island florida to my high school girlfriend really swear to god uh-huh and so on the way
00:47:28
there did it feel good no no i cried the whole time and on the way there um for some reason
00:47:36
in my head i was like i should give her a call i haven't talked to her in so long but i was like actually i don't have her number on my phone it's been
00:47:42
20 some odd years i remember her phone number i don't i can't tell you how i can't
00:47:48
tell you why i don't remember anybody's phone number i don't know i remembered her phone number wow it came to me i
00:47:55
called her phone number and and she picked up which was even crazier like on the second ring and she
00:48:01
said what's up and i said i'm not making a joke can i just add something something real quick we'll go ahead if
00:48:06
you're making this up i'm going to be very furious i swear to god in my life i'm not okay i'm just saying at the end if you're go if you go gotcha right no
00:48:13
it's going to make me very here i promise i'm not all right go ahead [Laughter]
00:48:20
i swear to god i'm not it's actually swear to god it's actually not a happy ending all right so you so i called her it's not a
00:48:27
happy ending so i called and she picked him and she was like oh my god how are you so good to hear from you it's been so many i said yes i just
00:48:33
wanted to say hi it's just crazy doing this gig of marco we you know it was so weird i was thinking oh god about
00:48:39
high school and she said oh i thought she's like i thought you called me because you knew
00:48:45
i was like what do you mean she's like do you talk to anybody from home like when i not re and i don't really from high school not really
00:48:52
and she said oh um i have cancer i swear to god i'm not making a joke
00:48:58
bobby and i don't know why i'm smiling because you think i'm coming with a curveball yeah
00:49:03
and i said really and she said yeah you know and it's i can live with it and all the stuff bob i'm not
00:49:10
and she said i can live with it it's not going to be life ending but it's i thought that's why you called and something in the universe had told me
00:49:17
to call yeah so my point is i i somewhat believe in it too because i was like why
00:49:22
would i call her yeah something was like give her a call and then did you wish did you help her
00:49:27
out in any kind of way did nothing there's nothing i could do but i but we talked for a while and it was kind of nice that i would like we had this
00:49:33
reconnection yeah but i thought it was so strange because why i would have never
00:49:38
called her otherwise it was just like it was i would never then when i said when we said earlier do
00:49:44
you believe in coincidences does that come you went the other way yes it's for the show just for oh for company
00:49:50
oh for comedy yeah but but how crazy though right like that is crazy no okay so i don't i believe in
00:49:56
um i believe in sometimes the universe will send you these weird small things and you either do them or or you totally
00:50:04
ignore them but they may not always be come to fruition have you ever had that root have you ever had something give
00:50:09
you like a signal to do something and then you you adhere to it or you're just so anti-everything
00:50:15
you're such an angsty little titan i know she's getting worse as time goes on yeah no but um at the kaleila and tituba
00:50:21
we were talking about my real dad and then after two weeks he called
00:50:26
after many years and then yeah that that's the only thing that was a coincidence they were talking about him
00:50:31
and he called yeah and that's kind of creepy yeah so like because you hadn't talked to him for how long
00:50:36
i talked to him when i was 10 and then he ignored me again
00:50:42
what do you mean like you would call him and he wouldn't reach out back to you yeah yeah that's so mean so mean it's your kid i know
00:50:48
well and why though why was he is he he had another family yeah oh yeah
00:50:54
[Music] oh don't say that well if they're better they're better but they were better obviously
00:51:02
wait he had another family in korea yeah wow how many kids two kids do you know who
00:51:07
they are at all no no never met him so when we i remember bringing it up i was out of the blue because i think i was like i know
00:51:14
what popped in my head but i was like i knew giovanni her stepdad i love that guy you know giovanni is he
00:51:22
italian no no that's just you know giovanni's filipinos they have strange names that's an italian name yeah
00:51:29
she names like x pro and they have like names that shouldn't what are they named after golf balls what is it yeah no they
00:51:35
have like names like um guy lithium crystal would be a name i mean
00:51:40
i'm gonna be real they just where do they get these names campfire they just take an english word yeah yeah you could
00:51:46
you literally can call some hey what's up campfire he's like oh hey hey yeah so he's my brother so i always
00:51:52
thought to myself i go well if and then i found out that giovanni you know what i mean
00:51:57
giovanni rubici is for stuff right right and i go um what happened to you really i asked and we talked about her real debt and all of
00:52:03
a sudden a couple weeks later he called out of nowhere i talked to my real dad my biological
00:52:08
father a couple days ago because my grandfather died two days ago are you happy
00:52:15
no i feel sad about it he did he passed away he was a great man was passed away
00:52:20
dominic how did he die gunned down no no how did he die don't
00:52:26
make it a joke he got into a fist fight oh 92.
00:52:32
he got into the way he got into a fist fight yeah over a parking spot
00:52:38
it's so funny he's 92 he how do you think he died yeah yeah yeah yeah can you i can't believe
00:52:44
you know i talked to him i talked to him this is true we went out to palm springs on
00:52:50
saturday and i s i talked to him uh on saturday and i went to palm springs
00:52:55
and i got to tell you there is something we're getting very serious on this podcast for some reason
00:53:00
there is some rudy there's something about when somebody
00:53:05
knows they're gonna die that they talk differently do you understand what i mean by that no i don't
00:53:11
he sounded different like my dad did the same thing he sounded that sad huh i
00:53:16
think i'm gonna die i'm like he's that's different he just
00:53:22
sounded he sounded um dude he sounded like it was like a a
00:53:28
high amount of clarity if you understand what i mean by that but was he like was he analyzing his life was he well
00:53:36
you know his kids were there with him all the time right my dad and brothers and sisters there but i think he was just
00:53:41
like really excited and happy to have like so much family around him during a shitty time yeah that i think you physically feel and you emote
00:53:48
differently but when you spoke on the phone you wouldn't have told you wouldn't have been able to say this guy's gonna die
00:53:54
you'd be like he's like he's in a great [ __ ] mood yeah but check this out if i was dying yeah i was an old man yeah
00:53:59
soon and i knew it was soon and i knew i was going to die right and i could just kind of like
00:54:07
you might not 100 believe you're going to die right but then in your head you must think it's a possibility because
00:54:12
you're old you got to know you got to know and if i had friends and family around right i wouldn't talk to juliana
00:54:19
this one the same way as i do right right like [ __ ] clean that or pick that up you know
00:54:25
who you talking to you know that kind of thing i would probably say stuff like you know what jules um
00:54:31
it's been a real pleasure you would yeah and i you know i'm so glad i met you because family matters
00:54:37
yeah and i would say that to everyone around me i would go even you i'd be like you know aside from all the yeah no
00:54:43
i'll tell you what i would say what you're on your death bed right now do it lay down like lay down like you're on
00:54:48
your deathbed there there it is i would say this i would say um
00:54:54
you know andrew growing up i always felt different and i you know even when i had
00:55:00
friends i just didn't really completely identify with them and um
00:55:06
as i get as i got older and i followed my dreams as a comic and stuff like that i felt like i met my people
00:55:13
and um you know when i met you you know it it literally felt like i had
00:55:18
known you all my life and that you are you you and i are like um
00:55:25
you know souls that knew each other in previous lives that's what it felt like and i just want to say that it was a real play and i also think that that
00:55:31
you're a really a talented guy and it makes me feel you know it makes me feel talented that
00:55:37
people like you right talented people you may want to be around me and work with me and working with you was a
00:55:44
pleasure i learned a lot and i have to say man i love you i love you too i
00:55:51
would say something like that that's so nice how does it feel i mean it like moved me
00:55:56
no now i challenge you to say something as moving i'm on my
00:56:02
deathbed yes i challenge you yeah you walk into my hospital room but but try to be real cause i was that's
00:56:08
what i would really say andy
00:56:13
hey [ __ ] dude it's me bob
00:56:19
hi bob bob thanks for coming
00:56:25
it's been so long we recorded two weeks ago what do you i know
00:56:32
i can't believe you let jules drive and [Laughter] she hit me so hard for the prius
00:56:40
but it's okay i forgive her and i want to take this moment to say say what i want to say to you
00:56:49
bobby bobby you
00:56:55
light up my life you give me let me have my [ __ ]
00:57:00
moment sorry bobby just a breakthrough bobby yeah go ahead
00:57:06
i'm here i've always thought that you were
00:57:22
i'm gone by then you're gone yeah yeah i faked it no i mean already okay honestly this is
00:57:28
what i really would say to you you know it can i just you know what i said so insulting and i would say to you be real
00:57:33
you know what i say to you yeah go ahead you're all right kid
00:57:38
you're right you don't have it in you i would say you really you you really i would say you don't have it i would say thank you
00:57:45
to be real and heartfelt no because yours was so nice we are gonna play
00:57:51
a quiz game again uh trivia about saint patrick's day yeah of course because i
00:57:56
and i if i don't win this yeah i'm going to be so pissed off what about it's best i mean it's uh first to
00:58:03
what three five five five so and you guys i don't
00:58:08
know anything i'll ask a question i don't know anything about saint paul yes you do we've talked about it on the show before i have you know i don't know the
00:58:13
history i don't know where it's from i don't know why they're doing it well it's from ireland you know that okay well uh i can we can do a trial round if
00:58:22
you guys no just know there's no way to play it yeah okay so we're gonna start with rudy rudy
00:58:28
wait wait wait you don't ask the question we all but what's the buzzer's number then because you guys can still if she
00:58:34
doesn't know the answer you guys can fight too still rudy of which country is saint patrick the
00:58:40
patreon saint ireland correct one point for rudy
00:58:46
it's like he sets it up for her just to win every time
00:58:52
what did sam patrick believe a shamrock represent it
00:58:58
luck you don't have to buzz oh that's not correct read the question again
00:59:04
what did sam patrick believe as shamrock represented okay
00:59:11
the father son and the holy ghost correct the holy trinity
00:59:16
the holy trinity okay hell yeah i got a stolen point from bob now it's my question yes andrew
00:59:23
god bless by the way god bless what are the odds of finding a fort leaf clover what are the odds of finding a
00:59:29
four-leaf clover you know one one in one in a hundred thousand
00:59:37
bubby zero percent they're they don't exist okay rudy they do they do yeah what kind
00:59:44
of question is it i don't know um
00:59:50
i don't know let me answer it again no you did one you're done she has to go one and four
00:59:56
no that no okay one in five thousand
01:00:01
no but you are closer it's one in ten thousand so we're gonna give it to you two point rudy [ __ ] you andres spanish
01:00:07
[ __ ] rudy okay which u.s city dices river green annually to celebrate
01:00:14
saint patrick's day um
01:00:21
i don't know san francisco she has to answer she just did san francisco yeah
01:00:26
bobby philadelphia no okay we're out of time nobody no it's
01:00:31
mine i get to answer sorry chicago illinois chicago i get to [ __ ] give me the points
01:00:38
you'll get it yes i [ __ ] do [ __ ] you we that's what this is all about i got it andres
01:00:44
you know i did well yes but it got in late you know what the [ __ ] do you mean
01:00:50
what the [ __ ] do you mean if they don't get it right then we get a chance to answer and he doesn't you know
01:00:56
what that's true he gets it no but you go ahead do it again bobby
01:01:02
what are the three colors of the irish flag white green and orange
01:01:07
correct yes you don't need a buzz oh i don't oh well i get a point yes okay you have one
01:01:13
okay andrew how many churches and cathedrals are named after saint patrick in ireland oh my god [ __ ] you
01:01:21
[ __ ] you um
01:01:26
112. bobby 312.
01:01:32
2 000. okay i don't think i'm you guys get this point sixty
01:01:39
sixteen i'm closest yeah he gets two off too off
01:01:44
chew off dude i'm gonna [ __ ] call ice on you i'm gonna call [ __ ] ice
01:01:50
you're going back to spain [ __ ] you keep he's got [ __ ] attitude do you notice that it's it's insane he's
01:01:57
gonna get fired how do i call ice can you call go ahead keep rudy okay fill in the blank
01:02:03
blank me i'm irish
01:02:08
blank me i'm irish you have to feel that fill in the fill out the blank part
01:02:17
what call i'm actually calling george george
01:02:22
me i'm irish george me i'm irish god you are so dumb
01:02:30
[ __ ] me i'm all right no it's kiss me i'm iron i literally just called ice the homeland
01:02:35
security line yeah i'm getting you deported dude andres you've got the point andrew yeah
01:02:40
but i've had [ __ ] eight points go ahead and and you're and you said we're tied all right
01:02:47
two you're winning by a lot no three two two you're winning buy more though you're not now keep
01:02:52
going i got chicago i got the holy trinity you too late bobby thank you according to the legend
01:02:59
what animal did sam patrick chase out of ireland a troll
01:03:05
no okay don't stop that or i'm gonna leave go ahead
01:03:11
rudy a rabbit snakes
01:03:17
yes yeah you know i'm getting all these right andrew yeah
01:03:23
what year did the annual shamrock ceremony in the white house start
01:03:28
1976. 1980 1974.
01:03:35
[ __ ] you correct good really really good guess rudy
01:03:41
[Laughter] all right enough enough somebody has to
01:03:47
clean that okay yeah they do oh yeah bobby [Laughter]
01:03:54
what city in the sin look santo nino festival held every year
01:03:59
what city is the cinco what is it sinolog synalogue cinelog
01:04:05
what sinolog santo sila silo cillolon santo
01:04:15
[Music] correct so annoying he does questions just for
01:04:22
her can we do a competition right now that's not [ __ ] uh saint patrick's day really st patrick's
01:04:28
day i know but let's just do another one about like godzilla or something that we might want to what about star trek yeah
01:04:35
let's do one on star trek well i'm never gonna get anything right i don't know
01:04:41
how many movies uh are in the star trek franchise oh my god it's so hard
01:04:47
seven no there's way more including next generation yes okay
01:04:55
nerd this is such nerd [ __ ] i'm drinking another beer i would say
01:05:06
ten it's probably twelve no eleven well rudy's the closest thirteen i told
01:05:13
you i said i should have said twelve and this is it so rudy wins okay good
01:05:19
thank you for being a bad friend [ __ ] you i'm done thank you for being a bad friend i guess that's that
01:05:25
[Music]
01:05:30
hey i'm doing a couple of dates okay uh i'm filling out the calendar a little bit for the fall but right now i've got salt
01:05:37
lake city which is almost all sold out if not sold out we're adding shows and also uh addison improv which is one
01:05:43
of your favorites i love close near dallas people like guzu oh four for girl if you can drive there go to
01:05:49
andrewsantino.com for tickets andrewsantino.com for those tickets
01:05:54
[Music]
