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what is good ex homies uh it's your boy Jacob Gooden and another week another
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ex- homeschoolers club that is the best ex- homeschoolers podcast this side of the internet and uh here we are it's me
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we're doing a solo today uh it's been a minute but uh I figured it's about time
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I don't think I've done one of these since last year and uh what are we going
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to talk about today we're actually going to talk about a book I've been reading
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called when religion hurts you this is by Laura e Anderson and this was a recommendation that came to me after I
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did my episode about uh deconstructing and uh so I'm going to get into that but before we do I got a
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quick favor to ask and that is this I'm launching a newsletter uh it's coming
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out I'm officially it's dropping this week okay first one's going out on
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Friday I want to send it to you I want to put it in your inbox and uh if you want to be a part of that newsletter
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there's going to be a link down in the description to sign up get on the waiting list it's not a waiting list but
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get on the email list and what's going to be in the newsletter I promise I'm
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not going to be spammy it's just going to be episode stuff I'll take some notes
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on it I might you know have recommendations for books I'm reading for other podcasts I'm guessing on who
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knows we we're figuring this all out together okay so but if you want that in
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your inbox I'm hoping to do it weekly uh you'll want to sign up okay so again
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links in the description down below wherever you find links uh and uh yeah but let's get into it okay so this book
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wow um I finished it a couple hours ago of as of recording this and uh man oh man this book has been
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crazy so after I did my deconstruction episode I really I started to realize that there
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was some stuff that I really hadn't dealt with yet and uh and I'm so thankful this recommendation came in
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because uh because wow this the subline for this book is healing from religious trauma and the impact of high control
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religion and before you click off and go oh he's going to go on a rant about how
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awful religion is and I'm still a Christian and whatever like this book is genuinely I think even if I was still a
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Christian I would have found this book extremely helpful just from a mental health perspective of like putting names
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to things that I was experiencing even when I was in church and really wrestling with
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um being in church because I think mental health can be a little bit separated from our religious experiences
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um and uh but let's let's get into it I want to unpack there's a lot of chapters
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in this book I think there's like 13 or 14 chapters I want to unpack some of
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them some of the things that stuck out the most to me so I'm not going to I'm
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not going to hit everything I highly again pick up the book read it yourself give me your thoughts uh that's what the
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book club's for um you know that's what emailing me shooting me a DM on socials
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as before okay but I want to just kind of hit on some of the things that spoke the most to me the number one thing that
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I ended up reading SL listening to this chapter four different times because it was so impactful there's a whole chapter
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about nervous system and it's called nervous system 101 and then there's a
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later chapter that kind of is like aligning or like balancing out your nervous system but man oh man that was
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super helpful because she talked about everyone knows about fight ORF flight for the most part right it's our
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reaction to when we're in danger right we either run away or we fight the threat right well she talked about two
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other ways and that's freeze and fwn right so we already talked about fight that's you know intimidate the threat
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right flight is you run away from the threat then there's Fawn which is to appease the threat right and you kind of
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like bend a knee a little bit submit and then there's freeze which is like make
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the threat lose interest right and that's just kind of like shut up be silent you know move on kind of a thing
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and man it just our nervous system kicks on when we feel in danger and I think in church a lot of
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times we're taught that there's this constant danger that we have to be aware
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of at all times right and we're just always on edge of like spiritual warfare
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and the devil and people outside of our religion and like all this stuff and so we're stuck in this on position and
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we're constantly reminded about this threat right the devil wants to trip you
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up and like but we're not designed to actually like exist in that state of like
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heightened awareness always right we're supposed to like come down from that and
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so the reason this really hit me was because when I started kind of when I left church I was in college and when I
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said I left church I just mean I wasn't going to church as frequently I had kind
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of burned out I was going uh like six times a week at that point I was like serving in Ministry stuff and bible
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studies and all this kind of thing and I was just exhausted um on top of that doing college right existing as a a
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grown adult for the first time ever and so I just was so tired all the time and I so I was like okay you know what
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church kind of has to take somewhat of a backseat I'm going to go when I can I'm
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still going to like read my Bible still Christian I just need a break and uh and
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I had met with a pastor and he had kind of said like something similar he was like I think you should just take a
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break right and just like take a few weeks off he was saying take a few weeks off I ended up taking over two years off
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but it it was just kind of it for the first time ever I kind of relaxed a little bit and my like my defenses went
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down a little bit and I just like I did didn't have this heightened State I didn't have as many people in my life I
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think screaming at me that there was always this threat this this imminent threat in my life and
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um and so I was starting to recognize because when you exist in that state of like always on right you're like I don't
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know if every anyone's ever had this but like you get in an argument with someone
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and you see red right and it's like you wake up from it it's almost just like
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this it's like you black out almost right and you wake up and then you find out later like you you told the person
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off like really awfully I was having kind of that right I was I had come out of this stage of
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like I was always on and I had struggled to determine what was like a major versus A Minor Threat in my life and so
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I was like finally relaxing and then more recently what I've realized is going back again to
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like fight flight freeze and fawn is this kind of like what are my reactions to when there are threats in
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my life right and I felt mostly I think into uh flight and fawn and freeze to be
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quite honest I'm not a big fighter I never have been I don't like making
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people upset very often um and so I tend to either run away or I just don't say
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anything or I just kind of like roll over right and that's that's its own
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problems and it's right um and I'm trying to look at that a little bit differently now and kind of actually put
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a name to it you know but again kind of aligning with this whole understanding of like my nervous system for so many
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years was just in the stuck on position right and um and now having like deconstructed my
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faith um you know the political times we live in having a lot more conversations
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with people I've realized that like especially when I'm talking to someone
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who still very much exists inside of religion sometimes it feels like talking to a brick wall not always but a lot of
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times and I've been wondering why that is right they get really defensive and
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and this book has kind of helped me again recognize that of like they're in the on position and maybe I'm not and so
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I don't feel like I'm coming at them with a threat right but maybe they're in
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that on position where they're struggling to determine that this is not a major threat to them this is just me
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pointing something out right or asking questions um cuz that's where I exist right now
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you know as an agnostic that's I'm in the question asking era of my life I guess is the way I look at it
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and so anyway that's the nervous system that again super impactful for me and
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just recognizing and again putting more words and and Concepts together for me to kind of sit here and go okay this is
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why I react this way and this is you know when I actually do need to Implement like fight flight frakas Fawn
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right trying to look at that and assess the major versus minor threats so that was kind of the first chapter that
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really stuck out of me the second one and I'm probably going to go on this for
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a little while was grieving the life you once had and this was a hard chapter for me I
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actually I'll be honest with you guys I tried to record this episode yesterday
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and I was getting super emotional doing it because I had written out my notes and I was kind of talking about this
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concept that I just like wanted to go curl up in a corner and cry about it so my understanding of grief for a
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long time was that was primarily tied to the death of someone right a loved one someone precious to you and I kind of I
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think also had some preconceived notions about what grief looked like right like
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how long is it you know and it it varies right it's kind of dependent on maybe
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how close you are with the person and you know and then what does it look like it's mostly sad right but
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you're like when you're when you exist in a lot of religious circles there's a
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happiness to it right because the suffering is over they're in a better place if you believe in an afterlife
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right and so it's kind of like this weird you could be sad and mad and happy
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and just joyful and like all these weird emotions come into play and so one of the things I've been unpacking
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a lot more recently in my life is kind of like I have three significant deaths in my in the last decade of my life or
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so and and how the I wanted to look at how the grief in all of those has been very different right and
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so so let's talk about it I guess in 2014 literally the week before I graduated high school my my grandma good
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she died just like suddenly out of nowhere she was like completely healthy or so we thought and they just died on
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like a Saturday morning kind of a deal and with that death I held this weird regret for a long time because just a
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few days before her death she had tried to call me and I had ignored it because I was like I'm going to see her in a
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week it's not a big deal I was busy with something else and I didn't call her
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back and I was like it's not a big deal so for a long time I held this regret of
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wishing I had just picked up the phun right and had been able to have this last conversation with this
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person and but I so I was kind of angry right I had this like anger grief I had this
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sadness right I I was like it was the first grandparent to die for me and it was sad it was just really really
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hard it was like I hadn't experienced that before right and I was 18 and um I think what was hard too was like we
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weren't super close but I held this regret right because we could have been closer and if
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I just picked the phone maybe that would have been the conversation and I think I
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still hold on to some of this regret um working on it okay uh but it was a long time before I
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really felt I think any kind of like sense of normaly about that whenever I would come up and i' think about it
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right I just kind of would get sad and upset a little bit and so so yeah for a long time I just was
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grieving it I think so much so that it led into the next death and that was uh that was my nanny in 2017 she died and
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that's my mom's mom and very different situation that death we saw coming um she'd been
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diagnosed with ALS it was the slow progression from like being completely there to having trouble walking to if
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you don't know what ALS is it's l Garrick's disease basically just shuts
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down your body piece by piece and so so we had already kind of gotten to this point of like it was hard to talk to her
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if at all she was by the end we couldn't even talk to her um she couldn't walk
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she was in a wheelchair you know all these things and so the the grandma that I'd grown up with was was dead long
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before she actually died um but that Grandma I was very close with I would spend most of my summer
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with her she was there for like everything in my life birthdays and theater stuff and holidays
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and I I joke with my cousins that I'm her favorite grandson it's just true if you guys are
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listening um it's just true I was her favorite grandkid can't convince me
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otherwise um but we had this very special bond and we just I don't know there's something about our spirits that
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just really aligned and so when she died I think it dragged up again that grief from the first Grandma
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passing away who I had sobbed over right for years for three years at that point um
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and then this Grandma I just don't I nanny I just don't remember crying that
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much about it I remember being sad and I remember being angry and and but I was it was hard to for me to shed
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tears right and I feel like I numbed myself for that death and I just kind of like buckled up
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and just did the thing right I just was like I'm a man just pushed through it
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and that that was unhealthy um to say the least the other thing that's interesting about a lot of about those
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two deaths in particular is that they're also like right around big events in my
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life so 2014 graduating high school about to move to college 2017 I literally graduated
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college drove directly from college to my grandma's house saw her for a few weeks and then she died right before my
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21st birthday so big milestones in there also mixed in so again you've got this crazy
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mix of emotions of like you have the sadness and you have the grief and you have the anger and you have the the the
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mad right and the overwhelming feelings mixed in with all these Happy Feelings of like I'm accomplishing things in my
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life I'm moving forward um and then you tack on again the religious aspect of
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like they're in a better place you know there's no more suffering and and and
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all of that it's the we celebration of life right and joy and happiness and stuff so it's just a weird place to be
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in and then 2020 to I lost my grandpa goodon again kind of suddenly um got a phone call that he had a stroke
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and was in the hospital was basically non-responsive and it was just a matter of time before he
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passed and the grief for that one was so much different because there was no sadness actually I take that
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back it didn't feel like there was sadness originally I was angry I was really mad not because he was dead well
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kind of because he was dead not because he had died or that I missed him and I loved
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him so much and and stuff like that but because he was someone who had hurt me who had hurt members of my family and I
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we never I never got the resolution that I wanted and so there was this like sadness about the fact that that was
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never going to be resolved now what I've come to learn is that you don't need another person to
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always heal the wounds within yourself right that's a choice you get to work on
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for yourself but at the time didn't maybe 100% know that so I was just angry and
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even like at his funeral and stuff it was just a lot of anger a lot of anger um so was my first time back in a church
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for a while so that was its own set of things um so to hear that this person who would
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hurt me who' caused me grief who would hurt my family you hear people say like
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he's in a better place there's no more suffering he's a good guy like all this
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stuff when like that's not your reality that's its own you know Whirlwind of emotions right
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and cuz that's just not how I knew him right so the grief from that one was again anger so you have like you know
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2014 grief of like sadness and regret 2017 you have this numbing grief and then 2022 you have this like Angry grief
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right so just two three very different looking grief Seasons but that's in a nutshell what I
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kind of thought grief was right it was just associated with like death um and one of the things that got
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brought up in this book is that there's these different types of grief that we
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experience and it was like an aha moment for me so we're kind of jumping a little
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bit those obviously those deaths very impactful for me still working through them if you can't
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tell but then now I'm I'm starting to have these emotions I'm trying to
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recognize especially now starting this podcast and talking to a bunch of you and and learning your stories and recog
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ing things within my own education and upbringing things that I would do differently
00:19:06
um I I have had these strong emotions um in upset in my life recently and I've
00:19:15
been experiencing like this weird burnout and just kind of like weirdly emotional all the time you
00:19:22
know the littlest things set you off right I haven't had 100% the tools and the words to kind of like FL flush it
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out and so but this book brought up the idea of other grief right so a few of them just
00:19:37
to highlight the few that I I have recognized I'm struggling with is like the grief of childhood and as
00:19:46
adolescence and this is one I'm still kind of unpacking right I'm kind of like
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determining I don't even know if I have this right but it's it's kind of this
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idea that like I wasn't afforded certain things in my childhood and my adolescence that I should have been
00:20:00
given and being upset about that and so for me and for I think a lot of homeschoolers one of the things we
00:20:07
grieve is sometimes education some of us don't have the best education this is why I'm on the fence
00:20:12
about it because I don't think my education was that bad but there are definitely things in my education that I
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wish had done been done better right so so I don't know Science and History are those main two
00:20:29
things in there but I know for some of my friends um they're forced to grow up really
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quickly homeschool families tend to have a lot of kids right and sometimes older
00:20:41
kids you know teach teach the younger kids and parent the younger kids so to speak and I think there I grew up in a
00:20:49
house I remember I've recognized this Within Myself for a long time my sister and I were always kind of
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applauded for being well behaved and I've wrestled with that a a little bit because yeah to some degree
00:21:04
yeah you want kids to be well behaved but at the same degree like what does that mean right and again
00:21:12
this is why I'm I'm on the fence about whether I'm grieving this or not but
00:21:17
just some things I've been thinking about the the next thing I'm just going
00:21:22
to move on moving on cuz we're still un packing that one okay griev sexuality and
00:21:32
uh this is an interesting one as someone who grew up imp Purity culture is this like upset feeling sometimes about the
00:21:47
lack of sex head right and something that I've realized is that before I really
00:21:57
had really inkling of what sex was any sex education I was already being taught like the Purity culture education that
00:22:06
sex and sexuality were like bad words you know only within the context of marriage and and things like that and
00:22:14
so without that original context of understanding what sex is how does it operate what is it meant
00:22:25
for it kind of distorts everything right so then when when you are given that Fuller sex education it's like confusing
00:22:35
because you already have this preconceived notion of it's bad or it's evil or it's wicked right except for in
00:22:41
the context of marriage and only between a man and a woman and so so I would argue right that we learn
00:22:49
them out of order right I think you need to have a better understanding of of sex
00:22:55
before you can have the conversation about perod culture I don't think everything inside of I this is a
00:23:00
controversial take right here I don't think everything inside of Purity culture is like bad um from the
00:23:07
perspective of I don't think you should just have sex to have sex right I think it should
00:23:15
it's more than that it's a connection with somebody this a de it's a deeper
00:23:18
connection with somebody um that's the like one golden good thing I pull out of
00:23:23
Purity culture basically um but yeah I realized that I've kind of like been grieving that in a way because
00:23:34
I think there's a lot of lost years maybe not that many last years but there's a lot of teenage years where I
00:23:40
think not that I should have been experimenting with sex or anything like that but I think it should not have been
00:23:48
this big bad scary thing it should have actually been something that we had conversation about right and there was
00:23:55
some back and forth and exchanging of ideas right um and so I agree with that aspect of it it's like why didn't we why
00:24:01
weren't we talking about this why wasn't this an open concept um and topic
00:24:07
um so because even to to to this day right it's still difficult to talk about
00:24:12
sex right it's just Taboo it's you know but um yeah so again we're still unpacking right I just
00:24:21
finished this book an hour or two ago right um so a lot of this is still mulling around and we're still on I
00:24:28
think it's years before any of it really becomes fully clear but um but let's
00:24:36
move on okay next one grieving our view of others in the world this was one I instantly clocked
00:24:45
of like being sad about stuff and I've kind of known this I think maybe for a
00:24:50
little while um when I got to college it was the first time I ever really experienced a wider divers
00:24:59
diverse group of people right and I moved California beachs of California to little toown Illinois right off the
00:25:08
border of St Louis it was right um at the height of uh some some massive shootings that were
00:25:19
really nasty um there's a lot of racial tension and and things like that um but I had these weird I I recognized
00:25:32
pretty quickly I had these weird views about people and I'm thankful that I met
00:25:36
people in college who called me out on some of it uh to be honest uh but who were safe enough to want to
00:25:45
have that conversation with me and push me to be like less racist and and less Rel religiously Prejudice right to
00:25:54
towards other people um because that was just something I had I had grown up again we go back
00:26:01
to kind of that like teaching of there's always this enemy The Outsider is the
00:26:06
enemy um you know they want to pull you away from God they they are you know being led by the devil they want to take
00:26:13
you down that path right and so that that was my view of anything that wasn't
00:26:18
the same as me right we get we attract sameness we're attracted to sameness a
00:26:23
lot of times um because it feels safe and so I went long time I think existing in that um and even to this day it's
00:26:34
still easier for me to go find sameness with people than it is for me to push myself outside of those boundaries of of
00:26:41
comfortability um and and to have just a a broader view of the outside world and
00:26:46
that like people are not out to get me a lot of times um you know they're also
00:26:51
struggling with their own things and when I can recognize that in people I can have compassion for them right
00:27:00
so and understanding so that's kind of that um grieving the good okay this is
00:27:08
the last kind of grief piece I want to touch on I know the section's kind of
00:27:12
been robust um and maybe a little all all over the place so I appreciate you guys if you're still listening and kind
00:27:20
of piecing anything together from my what seems like incoherent rants sometimes um but grieving the good is
00:27:27
kind of this next this last piece of grief I want to talk about and that's man that has been an interesting
00:27:34
one to unpack so so grieving the good is coming to this place of recognizing now
00:27:42
that I've left religion maybe it wasn't all bad right I think we we tend to have this pendulum
00:27:50
effect when we're inside of religion or we we exit religion where we exist let me back up religion tends to
00:27:59
exist Christian the Christianity that I grew up in existed a lot inside this binary of good and bad okay so when I'm
00:28:07
in Christianity this is all good this is good all of this is bad right we just talked about this you know anybody
00:28:13
outside of it anybody that's not the same is bad different evil Wicked don't
00:28:19
we we're over here stay in your lane kind of a thing and when I aced religion it would
00:28:25
have been really easy to pendulum just to the other side right and just it just switch them right so this is no longer
00:28:32
bad this is good this is bad and what's taken a really long time to kind of come around to is that there
00:28:39
was still good that existed in my religious experience I mourn the times of like I
00:28:47
find myself saying this a lot I'm like I mourn like playing on the worship team
00:28:51
right being in the worship band and like the music and that that aspect right I miss like after church lunch with
00:28:57
friends and like I miss this and I you know the community aspect and like seeing people every week at this
00:29:04
determined time and this determin location that was like safe I'm also one of those people more introverted I like
00:29:12
the same you know I want a regimen and routine that kind of a thing so religion kind of played my favor in that way and
00:29:19
so when I left well I won't say I necessarily the pendulum swung all the way to the other
00:29:26
side I will say that I felt lonely right I I grieved I missed those things I missed
00:29:38
the community I missed the the safety of a lot of it and I felt like I was alone I didn't have those things
00:29:50
provided to me any longer by an organized religion they were they were things that I had to learn that I had to
00:29:57
seek out for for myself now the problem with sometimes seeking those things out is like one
00:30:04
that's like really [ __ ] hard um but two the ability to trust people when you exit religion can be
00:30:16
really hard because I've been vulnerable with all these people right who have existed
00:30:22
inside this church they know some of my deepest darkest Secrets maybe not all of them
00:30:28
but they know a good amount right they know me as a person um and not that this was my experience but
00:30:40
I know that you know sometimes when you exit religion there's kind of this excommunication involved I experienced
00:30:48
less of that when I exited religion I experienced more of that when I left for college right I just wasn't in people's
00:30:54
lives anymore on a regular basis and they kind of forgot about me and so I kind of
00:30:58
to be honest kind of dealt with that already and that feeling of excommunication out of a group of people
00:31:04
but I had trouble like when I came back or I'm sorry I had trouble once I left religion 100% to like trust people
00:31:16
because I also felt unsafe trusting people who still existed in that religion I didn't want to tell them what
00:31:23
I was thinking or what I was doing or anything like that because I was afraid that they were still going to be like
00:31:30
well that's against God's word that's you know you should come back you know
00:31:33
church is great this is you know and I was going to get sucked back in and so it it's taken a long time and I I'll
00:31:42
be honest I don't think I'm 100% there always with people but I'm I'm learning
00:31:46
to trust much more um and have faith in people be vulnerable with them I mean hey I'm
00:31:56
talking to you know how many people watch listen to this you know you're you're getting it raw okay
00:32:04
um and this show has been a great opportunity to test those Waters of trusting people again right we're remain
00:32:10
vulnerable on the show so that was kind of grief again I know super long-winded I apologize I
00:32:19
hope it was somewhat coherent I hope you got something out of it there's one last
00:32:24
chapter I want to talk about before we wrap things up and that is boundaries built on a foundation of self trust and
00:32:32
self-compassion and so man self trust and self-compassion where do I even want to
00:32:41
start with this I have realized particularly this year but for sure at the end of last
00:32:50
year that I do I use I struggle with using degrading language towards myself okay there's a voice in my head that
00:33:00
tells me I'm stupid no one's listening to you like you messed up again um just like nasty stuff stuff I
00:33:09
would never say to just like a normal person right like I just I would never do that to you I wouldn't you know
00:33:22
um even even if I was being blunt I I just don't think I would I would do that
00:33:27
kind of a thing at least in a at least in a degrading way let's say that you
00:33:31
know it's one thing to just be like oh you're being stupid right and kind of
00:33:34
laugh it off but um but I've been sitting with it and kind of journaling on it and mulling
00:33:41
over this like where's this voice coming from what is this thing right because
00:33:44
it's really cropped up a lot more recently for me um and I've thought back a few times to
00:33:54
experiences inside of church maybe they gave me some of this and so there's just one instance
00:34:02
in that came back recently uh when I was a kid I went to a Baptist Church we had uh we're very legalistic
00:34:12
in the way we ran things we had like church Council and we all voted on everything was like church Run Like You
00:34:19
Know by democracy kind of a thing and um anyway we had a church meeting and uh we
00:34:27
were discussing how to attract young adults and young families to our church keep in mind I'm
00:34:33
probably early teenage years anywhere I would say anywhere from like 11 to 13 at
00:34:40
this point somewhere in there um and I had been going to this church for uh man at least since I was like seven eight
00:34:47
years old something like that um I got baptized in this church I like served at this church you know I've done it all at
00:34:54
this church I've stacked chairs I've served on the worship team I run PowerPoint you know all all this stuff
00:35:00
um children's church all that stuff and so I spoke up I gave my opinion right I
00:35:06
said hey I think we need this right I was a big advocate for like we needed to update worship we'd sing a lot of hymns
00:35:11
was really old school lots of organ lots of piano and I remember this church Elder basically telling me like that's
00:35:18
not it like don't listen to him that's like he doesn't know he's talking about
00:35:23
and uh and when this thought when this memory kind of like came back to me I was like Bingo that's it right that's
00:35:31
like where one of those mean comments comes from it's like sit down like no one's listening to you like shut up kind
00:35:36
of comes from potentially partly that and I was like damn that like hurts right but the thing
00:35:50
that's been great about recognizing that memory has been that that voice now in
00:35:56
my head doesn't sound like me any longer so when it crops up it doesn't sound
00:36:01
like my voice it sounds like this crotchety old man um and it's a lot easier to tell it to leave me alone or
00:36:10
that like that opinion doesn't matter and so there's that the other thing
00:36:20
growing up in church as an Evangelical Christian I realize too that a lot of our faith is based on this idea of
00:36:28
humans are evil they're Wicked like without God they like can't make the right decision
00:36:37
basically right and we could never choose good right we would always choose the wrong choice
00:36:44
without God and so these kind of go into like teaching yourself not to trust yourself
00:36:52
and not to show compassion to yourself because you're like not deserving of those things right like you can't trust
00:36:56
yourself because you can't actually make a smart decision right and you can't
00:36:59
show yourself compassion because you just actually don't deserve to have that
00:37:04
compassion and so again we go back to that voice in the head that's saying you're stupid saying
00:37:11
like I can't believe you've done that right I can't trust you to do anything
00:37:16
correctly it's like damn okay again where are those voices coming from who who are those voices
00:37:26
right and once you kind of sure to recognize that it's not your own voice saying those things it's it's somebody
00:37:30
else who's been kind of feeding That Into You becomes a little bit easier to
00:37:36
like ignore it or at least like recognize I mean the recognition that it's not you is like huge let me just
00:37:44
say that right off the bat because it then for me it just no longer sounds like me so I wanted to read something from
00:37:53
the book um she references ber Brown this the cool thing about this book is there's
00:38:00
just lots of resources within here like I have a whole another book list like just literally based off of the
00:38:05
resources in here um and some of it is like psychology like uh you know uh experiments not experiments but you know
00:38:15
like tests and and and results and stuff like that um and some of it is uh some of it is like other books about you know
00:38:26
PTSD and trauma and all those types of things and so anyway again pick this up read this book
00:38:33
so here let me get let me flip to this page where are we almost there almost there here we go okay so she references
00:38:43
beray Brown this is from Super Soul sessions the anatomy of trust which is a video series she
00:38:51
did and brne outlines these seven key components of trust and so they are are as follows okay here's the seven things
00:39:00
you need to have a healthy trust um yeah healthy trustful like relationship with someone including
00:39:08
yourself right you need to have these with yourself so number one is boundaries I respect my boundaries and
00:39:14
when I'm not clear about what's okay and not okay I reflect I'm willing to say no
00:39:20
do I respect my own boundaries was I clear about what's okay and not okay reliability
00:39:29
you do what you say you'll do this means staying aware of your compet competenc
00:39:34
competencies can't talk oh my gosh uh competencies and limitations so you don't overpromise and are able to
00:39:41
deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities am I reliable do I do what I say I was going to do number
00:39:49
three is accountability do you own your mistakes apologize and make amends so do I own my mistakes do I
00:39:57
apologize and do I make amends number four is the Vault you don't share information or experiences
00:40:05
that are not yours to share so do I respect the Vault for myself and for others and do I share
00:40:13
appropriately next one is integrity you choose courage over comfort you choose what is right over what is fun fast and
00:40:21
easy and you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them so do I act for from a place of
00:40:29
Integrity number six is non-judgmental I can ask for what I need and others can ask for what they need we can talk about
00:40:37
how we feel without judgment do I ask for what I need so and then these are I realized I
00:40:44
didn't explain how this list is set up very well but the scriptor and then these questions to ask yourself of do I
00:40:49
ask for what I need am I non-judgmental towards myself about needing help you cannot judge yourself for needing help
00:40:56
and not judge others for needing help and then number seven is giving the most generous assumption you extend the
00:41:04
most generous interpretation possible for the intentions words and actions of yourself giving the benefit of the doubt
00:41:11
so do I give myself the benefit of the doubt am I generous in my assumption about myself right these are the
00:41:16
questions we need to ask ourselves when you can start to kind of heal these things right inside of
00:41:26
yourself and figure out this trust situation build this healthy trust within yourself you know I'm reading
00:41:32
this and I'm like recognizing these own things in my in myself as I'm doing
00:41:37
it um it's hard it's not easy like like this is a lifelong journey a lot of us
00:41:49
are going to be on to to do this stuff right it's not going to be perfect it's
00:41:53
going to be really messy um it's going to be really messy for me I just know that about myself
00:42:00
because for so long I think I've told myself like you're not good enough and I
00:42:04
don't trust myself I don't trust my intuitions right and so bringing all of that into
00:42:12
alignment is going to be really tough right and so once I get there this is one of my goals for 2025 is hopefully
00:42:21
getting closer and closer to having more self trust and self-compassion but is kind of set being able to set those new
00:42:29
boundaries for myself right and ask myself what is it that I need right listening to what my body is like
00:42:37
needing from me and so um you know and you can't really have healthy boundaries without having that
00:42:46
trust and compassion for yourself and so you know I'm getting there let's just I'll
00:42:53
leave it at that okay I'm getting there now before we leave this thing I got to
00:42:59
touch on boundaries just a little bit because I've looked at boundaries I think wrong for a really long time um
00:43:06
and I knew that 2025 going into 2025 I knew it was going to be the year of boundaries they're shifting in my career
00:43:13
shifting in my personal life um the shifting Within Myself um and and that's like a big thing to
00:43:22
recognize because for a long time I always felt like boundaries were these like inflexible rigid set things right
00:43:28
again we go back to that analogy right church is good everything outside of it is bad okay all the Lessons Learned in
00:43:34
church good follow the rules do the things they're very set they're no there's no changing it's just that is
00:43:41
what it is right so there these inflexible things and I felt like those were my boundaries right for a very long
00:43:47
time they're these immovable things again binary black and white yes no good
00:43:54
bad I think there's a lot of gray space to be really for real I I just think
00:44:01
there's a lot of gray space in between those and what I'm realizing is that
00:44:05
boundaries for me look different than boundaries for you they look different than boundaries from your neighbor they
00:44:10
look different from boundaries from your spouse from your partner from your friends
00:44:16
right so instead of looking at them as like these dos and don'ts what I want to
00:44:21
do is kind of reflect on my own beliefs and the and the things that I value in my life
00:44:27
and I want to like set them according to that and I also want to be able to change and evolve over time and
00:44:36
to allow those boundaries to adjust and change there are lots of things that I could have shared today that are just
00:44:42
not things that I'm ready to talk about there's probably things that I wasn't ready to talk about that I shared
00:44:48
anyways and that's me breaking a pound so yeah we're learning okay that's the
00:44:58
whole point of this episode we're learning we're growing we're evolving
00:45:02
we're healing if you're not religious and you don't have religious trauma like I do
00:45:09
um you know thank the Universe um do a happy dance if you're hearing this and you're
00:45:17
like I've got some of that I I can't say how much this book has been incredibly helpful and at least
00:45:26
just recognizing and identifying things within myself I know that there's a lot
00:45:30
of other books there's a lot of other teachers there's a lot of other therapies there's a lot of other things
00:45:35
that I can do that I can continue to grow um that I want to do and I'm going to do them it's going
00:45:43
to be messy and it's going to be gross and it's going to be hard but I'm going
00:45:47
to do them and I highly encourage you guys to do them as well so again that was a lot hope it
00:45:55
wasn't too much um I hope I didn't lose too many of you along the way or if you
00:45:59
had to pause that you come back um and again this is just scratching the surface of what we can unpack I just
00:46:07
picked three chapters out of this 13 14 chapter bug right to focus on these are the things that I felt like most
00:46:13
impacted me were just like I had the strongest gut reaction to these things and um yeah and I'm excited to hopefully
00:46:23
update you guys as I go through this this year and kind of grow and change and evolve and be a different person so
00:46:31
um I think that's it I think I'm going to leave you with that okay and um you
00:46:36
know I guess before I say goodbye do me a favor if you've made it this far like
00:46:41
engage with this content okay whether it's liking the video or commenting or
00:46:46
subscribing or giving a five star review or anything like that um following me on
00:46:52
socials exhs Club pretty much all the socials you know or just picking up your phone shooting me an email exhs
00:47:00
[email protected] share your story share what you're working on maybe you disagree with me that's okay
00:47:05
too um that's it I think that's all I got okay so till next week peace [Music]
00:47:26
[Music]