00:00:00
hey bad friends i'm at the irvine improv march 18th and 19th and then at the end of the month i'm in vegas baby at the
00:00:06
win in las vegas we also added a bunch of new dates dallas i'm coming to dallas i'm going to hawaii i'll be in niagara falls as well all that stuff is gonna be posted up on andrewsantino.com andrew
00:00:17
santino.com you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting
00:00:28
or something we're bad friends a deer a female deer sound of music is my joke a drop of golden sun i don't give a [ __ ] it's white and it's me the name i call myself
00:00:54
[Music] and like the all the innocence but the song's beautiful you know it's the song what is it a flower right edelweiss yeah
00:01:12
yeah it's a white flower do you have one all over my hair i know you do it it's disgusting stop it
00:01:18
you put product what do you mean product like goop like mousse and hairspray i don't put product in my
00:01:24
if anything when i go to my get my haircut they do a what you may call it uh yeah uh uh uh uh pomade oh pomade
00:01:32
i do toncho you know what tancho is no oh you know what tancho is no that's some japanese [ __ ] tancho
00:01:47
look up tancho see that stick right there yeah what does it do so that's toncho right so a lot it says it's high grade
00:01:54
vegetable what yeah so a lot of hair and makeup people in shows oh pomade yeah that's what i just said i
00:02:00
use no but will you listen tancho wasn't originally for the hair what was it for the armpit i heard it was for b.o yes did it smell good it
00:02:11
was deodorant no it smells chinese yeah you know [Laughter] so no do you use deodorant no i don't sweat do you know what's funny i stopped using deodorant and i sweat less and i smell less
00:02:24
what do you mean this is crazy dude somebody told me that there's aluminum in most deodorants yeah do you know this and it's really [ __ ] bad for you yeah
00:02:31
and what it does is it can clog your pores and it makes you smell worse so when you sweat yeah sometimes it makes it stink worse so i was like all right
00:02:37
i'll stop using it and i just would shower more often clean out my armpits more now i don't wear deodorant it
00:02:43
doesn't smell at all even when i sweat it smells like skin i don't my armpits don't smell yeah but
00:02:48
every white girlfriend i've ever had wha what has a smell that i don't like bologna it's like beef gravy
00:03:02
my mouth just got watery i only dated one asian girl really what does it smell like
00:03:12
just what did it smell like oddly enough yeah beef gravy does she smell it at all in any way
00:03:20
no yeah like what her dorm room did uh-huh like what [Laughter] zoom in on me dry seaweed [Laughter]
00:03:37
no she was a ucla grad student yeah and we and we we used to hook up in her dorm that her daddy bought her really she had
00:03:43
one of like a nice arms i just moved to la i met her through my old roommate and she was living in like the
00:03:49
the fancy rich dorms and i remember i couldn't afford parking i made her pay for my parking
00:03:56
i was so broke i was 22. oh wow wow and i was like i don't have enough money she was full huh she was full asian or she
00:04:02
was half you know i can't tell yeah you can i can't you could be half and i wouldn't know yeah dude obviously i'm full you could be half
00:04:14
boys there's no one who wouldn't say that i was half nose no one's ever walked up hey are you half white check it out like
00:04:19
this yeah because you're not hot enough because the halfs are hot that's what i'm saying yeah but i think you're a
00:04:25
pretty boy and you could be half to me no like you've got your skin is light enough if my dad was white
00:04:30
he wouldn't beat me i don't think it's hard you think you would yeah especially even an asian wife yeah but with belts oh
00:04:36
yeah yeah you guys love belts yeah get over here but then it's like you whip them and then you have to put it back in
00:04:42
the loops of the pants imagine yeah yeah yeah and you missed it and when you miss a loop how embarrassing right i beat you
00:04:49
and then i miss a loop and then your dad goes to work and like how come you're missing live i used to i beat my kid this morning and they all go me too and
00:04:54
they all show off the missing loops yeah i think that if i had a white dad i would look like tony
00:05:01
thornburg who my favorite male model who's tony thornberg my favorite male model let's bring up this pro he looks like steve aoki kinda okay right there looks like just like
00:05:13
all right so that right there is no go to the go to a like that good morning i just if i said good morning like that just [ __ ] juice squirting in my face
00:05:26
like a spray see you idolize men who are femme you like femme men that's not femme dude
00:05:32
that's the [ __ ] erotica 1.1 that's fem as [ __ ] this dude is femme as [ __ ] dude all the boys are nodding suck it this guy is beta femme
00:05:44
you know why i you know who i idolize what guys guys yeah i know what's your guy harrison four our other hairs
00:05:51
this is who i want to be yeah yeah yeah yeah old racist angry [Laughter] yeah but if i was mixed i would look better wait what did he say he called
00:06:03
president trump son of yes harrison ford's so cool son of a [ __ ] son of a [ __ ] trump harrison
00:06:09
ford's like this he's always out of breath he's like give me the goddamn box i love harrison [ __ ] ford that guy's
00:06:16
the boss i like him i like clint eastwood i like guys guys yeah i like harris you know why i like
00:06:21
harrison huh because apparently he doesn't like he'll like look at the a line in a movie
00:06:27
because i'm not saying that love that and he'll just he says it in his own way that's why if you watch a harrison form
00:06:32
all the lines are very simple and direct yeah they're they're sure there's not a
00:06:38
lot of fodder yeah yeah no fat yeah and he's you know he's at that level where he's like i'm not saying that if you and
00:06:44
i have to say it we not only have to say it but they give us alts and they we have to do all the alts right
00:06:49
no matter what the line is nope yeah i mean have to say it yeah rape good yeah yeah or whatever you're like i don't
00:06:56
wanna say rape good yeah yeah they're like say it yeah you gotta yeah sorkin aaron what does this aaron stork was
00:07:02
like say it aaron jorgen hands me a script i'm like oh aaron i he's like you got to say it i'm like yeah
00:07:08
i have to say the goddamn blacks are coming i don't want to say that let me ask you something i've been thinking about i don't know i i want to know you
00:07:14
better huh yeah yeah and i want to talk to you not as a comedian but like we um are in some sort of group a a yeah something like that are you
00:07:31
asking me to go to aaah no no you don't have an alcoholic no but i i am maybe a little bit a little bit yeah can't there be levels yeah there is what am i i'm a function you're not doc
00:07:45
so you know you're here doc's here we have to send him away we have to send him away a little bit he's got to go to rehab
00:07:50
i there might be an intervention should we do it on the show because i'm going to let everyone know
00:07:57
might as um this is the second time we're doing this podcast well we're doing it the next morning he got a little saucy and um he
00:08:04
interrupts a lot a lot yeah and um we just kind of went let's just do it tomorrow let's take a timeout we took a time out so we recently we love doc you love him today he's gonna be back he's
00:08:14
gonna be back we just yeah we love him we needed to reset today yeah but let me let me get to know you better um
00:08:21
i don't know certain things i don't know if you believe in god i do believe in i believe in a a higher being
00:08:28
really yes but i don't it's not biblical it's not biblical at all so i think it was a book written by a couple of guys
00:08:34
do you believe in god because you have a fear of death or do you really believe no no i believe stop saying god
00:08:42
okay i believe in what else do you call it i don't call it anything wonder man wonderment yeah no cloud no wonderment
00:08:48
and an old jewish guy yeah yeah clyde wunderman hello i'm mr wunderman hello it's me morty wonderman i'm your god
00:08:59
welcome to heaven no i believe in a being yeah i believe in a a thing a spirit a
00:09:06
presence and energy that is larger than we can wrap our [ __ ] minute brains around
00:09:11
and i don't think it's a man i definitely don't think it's a human form the idea that we think that's a that that's a human it's like a guy like us
00:09:18
but a bigger one is bonkers it's batshit crazy to me i think it's a being it's it's it's it's
00:09:24
space it's time it's energy i think it's all these things but we can't encapsulate it we like to view it as a
00:09:30
guy because it helps us uh you know make sense of it but no it's not a person it's a [ __ ] and you believe in like a
00:09:36
heaven when you die i believe no i don't think you go to a [ __ ] cloudy place where p you know
00:09:41
where like they're playing there's the piano being played so you and i can do good friends in
00:09:46
heaven we should go to hell and do better yeah yeah the devil is like suck each other's jacks and we're like you got it
00:09:57
we get way better guests way better guests in hell are you kidding me in heaven who would we have like you and i
00:10:03
did a podcast in heaven we obviously we have we'd get betty white yeah that's a good one fine yeah she's not gonna say anything [ __ ] up and fun yeah yeah we go to hell and our guests
00:10:13
are gonna be who what tupac tupac you think he went to hell yeah i i maybe not him who's the best guest we could get in hell satan the guy that runs it the
00:10:26
devil met but i bet you he's doing it he's probably doing two bears one cave he's probably busy doing [ __ ] sigourney he would probably do marin yeah before us marin talk i talked to
00:10:37
mark the other night at the store great guy he had keith richards on again because keith is uh i forget what he
00:10:43
said he was promoting something but he's like you know how surreal it is he's like you guys have a great podcast
00:10:49
you and bob that's cool he's like you guys don't do guests i said no no we don't we do it on our other shows
00:10:55
and he goes you know how wild it would be if you guys had high status guests on the show and i was like well we could start at some point
00:11:01
yeah he goes talking to keith richards for 20 minutes he's like there was a moment that i like checked out and i
00:11:07
remembered what i would feel like if i was a kid he's like it was it was [ __ ] he was
00:11:12
like it was beyonce we're not gonna get keith richard yeah i'm putting it out to the universe right now i know we're just not gonna get him come on keith yeah
00:11:18
come on keith whoo we're gonna we're gonna get the [ __ ] guitars from some 41. [ __ ] yeah yeah we should get him i love that yeah we could get like we could get a drummer from hoodie and the blowfish he went to my high school yeah yeah blow
00:11:30
fish we get all of blowfish not hooty no he's and the oh and though we're not gonna get keith nah yeah but you know but we could we could get some
00:11:41
great guests on the show if we really wanted to yeah you're friends you have good you have famous friends i don't have your
00:11:47
friends i don't have the kind of famous friends that you have that's beyond not true dude i don't have a blake clark in my
00:11:53
phone who the [ __ ] is blake clark the basketball player from griffin whatever well blake clark who is blake clark look up blake clark is he is he a guy how funny if i also
00:12:04
know this guy yeah you oh i do know blake clark who sorry blake griffey griffin griffin yeah so back to hell let's talk about who else would we get on our pod from hell yeah we're not
00:12:26
going to get satan well so many people have got their history so many easier we you know
00:12:32
so many evil people we would have to just do five of them at a time pull pot pool
00:12:39
right genghis khan we'll just get him all in one shot did pauline you think napoleon's in hell
00:12:44
you do yeah yeah the spanish little tiny help and doc is like napoleon send me a seat
00:12:52
yeah you and i on the other hand legitimately i'm not making a joke here what going to hell no i don't i believe
00:12:58
we're going to go to a way station a way station like a truck stop yeah like a truck stop
00:13:04
no there is a truck stop like an a.m area yes yeah it's called it's called purgatory purgatory i call it truck stop
00:13:10
same same yeah and we would be in purgatory and i think we would argue i think we'd be able to argue argue our way into heaven well you
00:13:18
and i are so good at that that's so so good i i'll suck i'll say i'll suck your dick no we would just shut up suck dick
00:13:24
is this purgatory oh yeah right angel's angel's trying to grab you and devil's trying to pull you i just me i suck
00:13:30
because they're looking up i suck your dick can you imagine you know what we would do with 69 have you ever seen this before
00:13:36
we can 69 and we would do cartwheels we had to die at the same time then so we you think we're not going to die
00:13:41
at the same time that's how this show is we're going to die at moon tower come see us we're done if you see us
00:13:48
because that's going to be our last show i want to do a 69 with you and do cartwheels as we 69. you think that
00:13:53
won't get us in yeah and then god's up there with all his buddies laughing dying going we're going to let
00:13:58
i was going to let them in but they're just doing this let's just watch this but it's good for us rolling around sucking each other's dick
00:14:04
and then we get to heaven and they're gonna all like ah you didn't have to do that and we're like we know we wanted we knew we wanted
00:14:10
to it was fun for us yeah now we got good tape do you think when you get okay let me ask you then let's go deep i'm
00:14:17
trying to go deep i know we keep diverted yeah okay i do believe in a spirit a science a thing
00:14:23
the holy ghost do you believe in a man in the sky no i believe the same thing you do i don't believe in a religious uh west not
00:14:30
a guy yeah yeah it's not a guy and i think that god because what they've had 300 sun gods right or something like
00:14:36
that in our in our history of the world who's sun god you mean like like like pagan gods like
00:14:42
buddhists believe in no like you know um like egyptian oh religion yeah it has rain god says the same god of war no god of clouds
00:14:54
these are gods based on the sun and astrology and stuff right that's what yeah egyptianity is yeah as well you
00:15:01
know what i mean and i believe that god looks down and goes i'm muslim jews you're going to hell i'm kidding
00:15:09
i believe it's all under one umbrella he like he gets it he doesn't care about why would god be vain like call me
00:15:15
whatever just believe in something good right right just don't be i think he's fickle in that way do you how could it
00:15:22
just it's insane it's insane there's been billions and billions trillions and trillions of people that have lived on
00:15:27
planet earth that never even had god right what did they have nothing nothing some of them had nothing yeah do
00:15:34
you think when god made you oh my god you're gonna insult me no you're about to attack no i'll answer it authentically and sincerely
00:15:45
do you think when when the the being that created humans do you think you were done in a timely fashion or do you think so i think i know where you're going let me
00:15:56
kind of guess where you're going i know do you think he chose every element that exists on your body or do you think a
00:16:02
few things fall through the cracks look at it like this do you think look bring back up your picture of your boyfriend that you love what's his name tony thornberg tony thornburg yeah do you think when god made tony thornberg
00:16:16
do you think he put the same kind of care undertale okay so i believe this i believe that i was a part of uh look at
00:16:21
tony by the way look at tony yeah i believe i i know i believe i was a part of a mass
00:16:28
production you were like a you were like uh he made a billion of the same one he's a ferrari
00:16:33
you're a ford right yeah he's more specific and he and god went yeah just throw them all down there right but you
00:16:40
came out okay no but i landed on earth and i went oh god you didn't give me a specific like a long new nose or a
00:16:47
bubbly butt you know what i mean that'd be cool if i had a long nose and a bubbly butt you got a cute butt yeah yeah yeah probably
00:16:53
if i had like a brazilian butt oh my god i would tend to have tan lines i would i would have tan lines and i would like i'll be i'd be in a resort i would just pull all my pants down and just lay on
00:17:04
my stomach tanning and just all the dudes walking by going oh look at that and then we go what's up
00:17:09
with my mustache and still they'd go yeah what is up yeah yeah and look at his face you got that long nose yeah
00:17:15
yeah it's this big it's there i want a pinocchio so i think it was a part of a mass production yeah but i went you know what
00:17:22
i can i'm going to change this so i ate a bunch of carbs you know noodles pasta rice pasta to make my body the way it is
00:17:33
it looks good thank you i think you look like and i think that i you know went you
00:17:38
know i'm gonna you know [ __ ] you i'm gonna not [ __ ] [ __ ] you no just in general
00:17:44
i'm saying it to the world do you think when you're on your deathbed do you think you're going to pray for god
00:17:50
did your dad say anything about god before he died no but they say most people find god on the death he saw things though
00:17:56
like what people yeah he would like he'd be you know well he would just be like whoa
00:18:05
to you guys no i'll put somewhere what if he's looking at you he just his eyes are up
00:18:10
no no no no no and he would look at something in the room that wasn't there and like speak korean to it really yeah was he on he was like i guess
00:18:21
yeah but he was on drugs maybe i don't know but he was because they put him on stage talking about stuff my grandfather was telling my dad
00:18:28
to get the cats out of his room get these goddamn cats out of the [ __ ] room really and my dad was like
00:18:35
there's no cats in here jim my dad was like bring cats eat that do you think you're gonna find god you think you're gonna um i believe in god no no pray for god when you're about to die yeah because they do say people do
00:18:50
that we talked about it on the show like the last words of atheists and everyone does say they do all go oh my god i made a
00:18:56
mistake but do you feel like they're like i'm being pulled up or down i definitely think you get pulled yeah
00:19:01
yeah but it doesn't indicate a bummer if you go to hell what if hell is up and heaven is down and we just [ __ ] it up
00:19:07
we're upside down why would he do that god why would he do that why not a big prank what do you mean we made up what we think is up and down what if we guessed
00:19:18
wrong what if hell is in the sky and heaven is down in the core of the earth yeah but heaven and hell is just based
00:19:23
on night and day that's why they created it versus evil star wars and why is good
00:19:28
good and why is evil evil what's that check it out what's that poem i've been trying about
00:19:35
it's this vietnamese poem about it says like you know i'm the butterfly mango slime down
00:19:43
is that it but it's english oh i can do it in vietnamese all charlie i could do that but charlie charlie yeah uh i can't do is that's it we delight in
00:19:56
the beauty of the butterfly but rarely it no that was my answer it's not there's no butterfly in it well
00:20:02
you said butterfly i know i'm just giving you an example of what the structure of the poem is okay all right so basically you know i mean it's
00:20:08
basically i am you know i mean the grasshopper that lay that sits on the leaf right
00:20:15
also the snake that eats the grasshopper oh i mean i'm the um the the 12 year old
00:20:21
refugee you know i mean on the boat you know what i mean that's scared like you know i mean and i'm also the pirate that
00:20:27
rapes her yeah i'm just not saying the poem that's in the poem i'm the pirate that rapes or whatever
00:20:32
right try to find that poem for me but it's like butterfly pirate refugee yeah but you guys um i've you know i'm a smart
00:20:44
guy and i want to learn languages i'm a worldly traveler yep and the way i'm doing it is through babel i'm a stupid
00:20:50
guy and i'm also looking to be a worldly traveler and learn languages and babel has 15 minute lessons that make it the
00:20:55
perfect way to learn a new language on the go these other language learning apps they use ai for their lesson plans but babel these lessons were created by
00:21:01
over a hundred language experts their teaching method has been scientifically proven to be effective andrew true with
00:21:08
babel you can choose from 14 different languages including spanish french italian and german that's only four that's good that's a good plus bubble
00:21:17
plus battle speech recognition technology helps you improve your pronunciation and accent so many may
00:21:22
there are so many ways to learn with babel in addition to lessons you can access podcasts games videos stories and even live classes
00:21:29
plus it comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee start your new language learning journey today with babel guys
00:21:35
right now save up to 65 off your subscription when you go to babble.com badfriends that's babel.com bad friends for up to 65 percent off your subscription babble language for life
00:21:47
start android i hate that i got so much it stresses me out me too yeah but there's a solution what is it upstart
00:21:54
upstart yeah man what is that what would you do if you didn't have high interest loans or credit card debt andrew i'd
00:21:59
feel so good dude with upstart you can pay off your existing debt quickly and easily and start living your life no way
00:22:06
if you're carrying a credit card balance month after month it can feel like you're in a never-ending cycle of debt bob and i have both talked about being
00:22:11
in debt before when i started comedy it was bad and uh if you dread looking at those statements you're not alone the weighted
00:22:17
debt can be crippling but upstart can help you on your path to financial freedom upstart is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with personal loan
00:22:24
online whether it's paying off credit cards consolidating high interest debt or funding personal expenses over a million people have used upstart to get one fixed monthly payment with a
00:22:36
clear pay off date hey bob okay if i was gonna check my rate without impacting my credit score minutes for loans how big
00:22:41
could they be don't start baby upstart loans could go from what 1000 to how much just do it 50 000. yeah man that's
00:22:48
incredible find out how i'm stocking lower your monthly payment today when you go to upstart.com bad friends that's upstart.com bad friends don't forget to
00:22:54
use our urls to let them know we sent you loan amounts will be determined based on your credit income and certain other information providing your loan application upstart.com
00:23:01
i am the 12 year old girl the refugee on a small boat who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate i am the pirate my heart not yet capable
00:23:09
of seeing and loving wow yeah but the whole poem is amazing who wrote that call me call me my by my true name
00:23:19
yeah he just died he did think not han yeah he was a uh a a monk in vietnam he was hold on let's let's read the poem the dude hung out with martin luther king okay so it's here's let's read the poem
00:23:32
i'll read i'll read the i'll read the whole thing but can you zoom it in out and do it in
00:23:37
a thick vietnamese accent because i need to know i can't do vietnamese can i you're just doing fine whatever asian
00:23:43
accent you know the real reason hey i will tomorrow no don't say that i will depart tomorrow
00:23:54
even today i am still arriving i am the frog right there i'm the mayfly metamorphosis
00:24:02
i am the mayfly metamorphosing i am on the surface of the river and i am the bird that swoops down to swallow the mayfly i am the frog swing swimming happily in the clear water of a pond and
00:24:13
i am the grass snake that silently feeds itself on the frog i am the child in uganda all skin and bones my legs as
00:24:19
thin as bamboo sticks and i am the arms merchant selling deadly weapons to uganda i am the 12 year old girl refugee
00:24:25
on a small boat throws herself into the ocean being raped by sea pirate i'm the pirate yeah so basically we're all those things we
00:24:31
are both yeah you're korean but you're almost irish irish yeah yeah and you're korean as
00:24:36
well i'm irish but i'm also korean yeah cause your dick is so small smaller than yours that's
00:24:42
that's right that's the barometer that's the guy right there dude there he is rest in peace he just passed away i think he was 92 when he died
00:24:49
tom cost soup is that was his name thick nunha same thing what you said was a dish that you eat in a soup i love tom kasoop
00:25:02
by the way shout out to thai food one of my favorites dude i [ __ ] with them and thank you thick for making it shout
00:25:08
out to thai food shout out to thich nanha for making poetry and thai food what's your favorite thai dish
00:25:16
i like the clear clear broth no i like their coconut like soup oh yeah that's clear oh yeah do you like with tofu or no i put some tofu in it throw some [ __ ] toast yeah
00:25:29
but for asian food it's not my favorite thai yeah because it's um you don't like the
00:25:34
people oh i love the people i love thai food what do i like i like mango um mango uh chutney anyway yeah when i was entitled because i've been there i lived there for not lived
00:25:46
there but i was there for two months that's a good amount of time yeah and um the area i lived in had um
00:25:54
restaurants that were like you know just meat that's just hanging you know what i mean and flies
00:26:00
and so i just i loved thai food before i went there and then you saw it i saw what you saw i was made no i'm just saying i just it just kind of turned me off yeah because you saw how
00:26:12
it was [ __ ] made you saw how the sausage was made yeah maybe i don't know have you ever seen how sausage is made do you like sausages you do like what
00:26:18
kind of sausage any kind of sauce you like i don't want you to show me a video of like little
00:26:23
chickens getting grounded let's take a look [Laughter] can you and i go make sausage somewhere
00:26:30
can we go to like a sausage but what's in the tube ground up meat yeah but can you put like
00:26:36
what's the outer shelling of it that's pig intestines [ __ ] that's what the casing is really
00:26:42
100 so basically you could jam ground beef in into the intestines of a pig so when i'm slicing not all pork casing is that but look it'll tell you casing is the material that an uh what
00:26:56
uh yeah pig intestines sheep pig goats cattle sometimes horses yum yum like i heard pulley sticks was bull dick it's uh yeah it is petrified penises yeah bully sticks you give that to your
00:27:08
dogs i get it [Laughter] no i i give it to my dogs but then it's like it stinks yeah my dog stubs will go underneath our bed sheets yep and
00:27:21
just chew on bully sticks dude they stink so at two in the morning like is did she just queef yeah my girlfriend
00:27:28
i mean that's a queef queefs do smell like bully steps dear bully sticks change the smell yeah
00:27:34
they when they get really wet and they put them underneath a couch or a bed or something and they sit for a while and it's dude it [ __ ] reeks yeah
00:27:41
old penis smells turns out oh my god i saw an article this morning in bed about a woman who did meth with her boyfriend
00:27:47
and she [ __ ] ki wisconsin woman and she killed the dude dismembered him and put his head and his
00:27:54
penis in a bucket together cause she said he was a [ __ ] that's what she told the cops yeah i saw her i saw her discover his
00:28:01
son's severed head in buckets so this is how gross i am when i first saw that photo i'm pretty hot right i went she's
00:28:07
hot yeah so then i googled her and just looked through her and she's not that's a good angle no but keep going down they
00:28:13
show a bunch of photos of her at least that's a really good angle on her on the post this morning but you know what's so funny about that is um
00:28:19
she she explained to the police that she was like they were like why did you do it she's
00:28:25
like it's a good question she didn't she was like she actually got blacked out choked him killed him cut up his [ __ ]
00:28:30
yeah put his legs outside she talked about it like it was saying like i went to go get coffee yeah it's crazy how
00:28:36
easily people can murder people yeah just don't chop up don't chop up the dick if if i'm
00:28:42
killed by her and she chops my dick off and i go to heaven will i still have my penis
00:28:48
up there this is her holding your penis if they cut off your dick on earth what is that a swiss army knife yeah [Laughter] look no yeah yeah yeah i got it no if
00:28:59
they cut off your penis on earth yes you don't have it in the afterlife you're done oh that's terrible you got to have all your bodies another lady right did
00:29:05
this right she chopped her man's dick off right he dies right and then like a day later she lights the dick on fire you imagine he's in right so he's in
00:29:16
heaven just i'm in heaven i mean do you think that happened he's talking to a buddy he's like no so in my last couple of days
00:29:28
and his buddies blowing out he's like blow one yeah yeah yeah it's not working because it's in on her
00:29:35
i think well dude listen look now now this is better sexy no her body no no no no no thick no she got a nicer boob oh she has that's boobies she's got a huge garancus right if you
00:29:47
go down a little bit she there's more photos of her that she took it's amazing she just told the cop look at oh yeah
00:29:53
you like that look jolo yeah she's a cholo she looks like it no she's not she's [ __ ] wisconsin she's
00:29:59
like a white chick from wisconsin yeah do you want a gun do i own a gun i do where
00:30:11
i might keep that thing on me yeah do you really have a gun i do isn't it safe it's safe
00:30:17
is it out like a bus or like your nightstand or whatever or is it underneath right next to my television
00:30:23
really yeah what if your dog went woohoo caught himself gotta get a new dog do you have a license for it i have a license to drive i know but you have a lot of smoothies
00:30:37
no i don't have a handgun yeah i have a shotgun do you like you have you do that i do a shotgun
00:30:43
yeah i know what a shotgun you have to make the sound effect i've seen enough [ __ ] movies i know what it is you do one let me hear you do
00:30:48
a shotgun [Music] that's a cool shotgun yeah yeah it's a it's a side by side all
00:30:56
i was going to say is just a little side tidbit in japan uh-oh yeah in japan in japan
00:31:06
there are 70 000 people over the age of 100. no way google that how many people are over the age of 100 in japan 70 000.
00:31:19
maybe i get the wrong it was seven seven no it could be seven i don't know i think i read it wrong but no 79 000
00:31:25
people are at or over the age of 100. let's move to japan bud look at that [ __ ] do you know why that
00:31:31
is i do why there's several reasons diet diet that's right number one clean but it's also community the love yeah like if you go to the island of
00:31:43
okinawa love okinawa right like if you know your kid is running down the street you're completely safe because everyone on their uh in the neighborhood in the community is their parent because
00:31:54
there's no whites on the island that's exactly what i wanted to say thank you i knew you were thinking yeah there's no one white dude it ruins the whole thing
00:32:00
there's no whites yeah they're all just chained up in a [ __ ] cage no no when we come where japanese people love us
00:32:06
that we just have to leave what do you mean as soon as we're done they're like go home yeah we have to i
00:32:11
went to the okinawan island chains i went to ishigaki did you really yeah ishigaki one of the most beautiful islands i've ever seen in my life look
00:32:16
up ishigaki show them what it looks like the water is clear as [ __ ] it's so far south it's almost like tropical
00:32:22
ichigake look at that that's right oh my god it's beautiful it was so there you are there i am
00:32:29
it was so fun man that looks beautiful ishigaki was amazing is there a resort there
00:32:35
no we stayed at a regular hotel is it nice though no yeah dude i'm not fancy let me ask
00:32:42
you this on the road yeah you know how sometimes you go on the road like you're going to stay in the condo no i'm not
00:32:48
i know exactly that's what i said yeah no i'm not you've never even no i have in my past
00:32:54
it's a young comic of course i've seen in all of them yeah i've seen every one of them but now if they go oh yeah what
00:32:59
are they when they say where you have to stay in the condo no no no okay i won't come so i won't come
00:33:06
oh we'll just give you how will it we'll give you an extra 100 and now you can get your hotel no more how much
00:33:12
but i think the four seasons is like 650 a night yeah yeah no no you know what i i've been playing theaters you have to book
00:33:18
your own you do your own hotels they don't have you know the condo in the comedy store the la jolla yeah so when i
00:33:24
was a kid like in 1996 right i stayed at the condo with this guy stephen moore you don't know him and he's he's in the 60s at this time or whatever right yeah
00:33:36
he goes bob you have you have no idea what happened in april of 82 in this condo oh [ __ ] i
00:33:43
don't want to hear it because i've stayed there no i want to tell you i go and i was scared because i'm
00:33:48
staying there right in the little room with the twin beds i don't know if they still have that little um yes they do
00:33:54
yeah and what are the beds that's like lopsided yeah so you're sleeping at an angle it's on phone books
00:34:00
they [ __ ] lifted it up so he goes um so me and brian bradley another comic from san francisco right we played here in 82 or 83 or whatever
00:34:12
it was and he goes we went to this gay bar and we just come on let's go to the condo
00:34:18
and there was like 80 guys in this condo right and we did a train from the [ __ ] master bedroom to the twin thing right and i'm just going oh i'm gonna get a hotel
00:34:31
because now everything felt like sticky and it's musky it just didn't feel right
00:34:36
yeah yeah so you will never stay there again no i do i no i haven't stayed the last
00:34:42
bunch of times i've gone just because it's so it's sad it kinda was a little a little sad it makes you feel dirty
00:34:48
yeah there's a there's this weird smurf color yeah well they've changed apparently they did it
00:34:54
oh they did redo on it because back in the day it was like the color of papa smurf and
00:34:59
everywhere everywhere the carpet the [ __ ] bedding everything that condo is where the
00:35:04
dingleberry happened what dingleberry do you remember the dingleberry yeah yeah that's where the dingleberry happened man i i feel bad because it's like i don't want to shame who had a dingleberry that
00:35:16
way so i met a girl and she moved i was i was at a club in the midwest met a girl she came out to la
00:35:28
and i go i'm playing la jolla you should come with me all right and she's so we're in the condo and she brought her
00:35:34
guitar of course right and i was there with two other comics and she's like i wrote a song i'm jumping off the roof
00:35:41
yeah exactly and i'm just like blushing going please don't play it yeah and she pulls and she's like
00:35:46
happiness and i love the ones that love me too oh whatever i like that song yeah
00:35:52
it's a great song right and i go happiness is we're all singing along like and and all the comics are
00:35:57
looking like what the [ __ ] what this one this [ __ ] so i finally like that night we i turned i like to make love in the
00:36:03
light you like the lights on yeah always always never like it in the dark i don't like it huh yeah i like the lights on do your partners like it more in the dark no
00:36:15
they don't like it all yeah they want the devil they don't want to see me so um they don't want lou kang on top of them right so i'm having sex with this girl i
00:36:26
feel so bad about even telling the story should i even tell it oh yeah you didn't say her name exactly and she probably
00:36:32
has no [ __ ] this was 20 years ago even longer probably well so what and so i'm doing her from the the doggy they used to call it the doggy they still call her the doggy yeah yeah yeah
00:36:44
i'm i'm we're having sex with doggy style okay you're not doing the doggy yeah but that's always that's how doc would say it yeah yeah we were doing a dog yeah anyway i was doing the doggy
00:36:55
style that sounds super worse yeah it's way worse and i smelled well it's the first so she starts talking about life let me guess
00:37:07
[Laughter] she starts talking about you know i i think you're my soul mate while you're [ __ ] yeah and she's like wrong time and she's like i you know i
00:37:17
just had a vision that you and i had kids oh my god in the middle of sex in the middle of sex and i'm doing like
00:37:24
shut the [ __ ] up like in my mind it's funny to think that you're working really hard and she's just not even moving she's like you know
00:37:30
i was also thinking about going yeah you know i don't know going to get a marriage license yeah and she also
00:37:36
brought up like paperwork and she taxes it it was weird so um can you notarize this bob yeah
00:37:42
she's like i'm thinking about i had this vision and i smell poo right so i took my two thumbs as you do yeah and i spread open her cheeks
00:37:54
right and you know how like in a woman's butt any butt there's like rogue hair right there's like two hairs like we we spawned in the wrong spot yeah what are
00:38:06
we doing yeah i told you johnny to go on the head right on the top of the head right you got lost and the yeah and they ended up
00:38:12
growing on the [ __ ] and look i guess this is our line the last time we take math quest yeah yeah
00:38:19
be sad or whatever right the other one's like i'm going to grab a piece of [ __ ] that's exactly what i was thinking right
00:38:25
so you grab it right as a meal put it all over his face no he didn't even break it down he just left the ball it
00:38:31
was like a ball like this i'll eat this later so i i'm doing like this and i go oh what the [ __ ] right
00:38:37
and in my head like she's like i had a vision i had a vision of going to [ __ ] cvs and getting toilet paper [ __ ]
00:38:44
and i and i oh you flicked the dingle flicked it out right and i saw it visually fly away wow
00:38:51
so problem solved yeah but then i dangle flicker [Laughter] you know yeah did you tell her she had a dingle no well then how could she ever know the polite thing would have been let me ask you a question i want to see you
00:39:12
again you can ask your question sure do you have a dingle in your butt right now
00:39:17
no exactly i just shot it i think we all know right if i had a little piece of [ __ ] in
00:39:23
between my crack i think i would know i think you would know yeah that being said right what if she had just gone to
00:39:30
the bathroom she didn't wipe all right how do you say it i'm the girl okay we're just done making love
00:39:36
doing the doggy style right oh my god i still have those visions of getting married yeah yeah right on i loved my visions you had poop in your butt
00:39:48
[Laughter] you got to let them know let me be softer we'll do it yeah i'll be soft i don't think you would do it that way you're right i'll do it softer so anyway oh my god man that was good
00:40:00
can i sing you a song about our makeup you had a piece of [ __ ] in your ass while we were [ __ ] like that's the same thing
00:40:05
yeah try to do it in in the most delicate way okay i think okay think that i'm a fragile girl yeah i'm not in
00:40:12
show business i'm not tough yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know how much you have been broken down by the world right
00:40:18
so it's like um oh god that was good wow happiness in you is the happiness i love that song thank you can i tell you something what i love making love to you thank you and
00:40:30
i loved you just doing the doggy style with me that was my favorite too yeah but yeah this is going to sound strange yeah before we have sex next time
00:40:41
do you think we can shower together that's how you do it i love showering before we have sex sure but you know
00:40:48
what i never wash my [ __ ] really yeah so i'll shower i'll i'll shampoo my hair how about this yeah can i wash it for you because i love to pamper my girl no because i have a friend down there
00:40:59
named raoul oh you have a little helper well i have two renegade hairs oh right that
00:41:05
accidentally grew there oh they meant to go on the arms the legs and the head but they got lost oh so they grew out of my
00:41:12
anus and um they eat they eat a lot and they happen to eat poo well let me tell you something
00:41:19
what was your name again what was your name again what huh deborah well listen deb
00:41:26
yeah i don't really care i love you the way you are thank you sure i'll be right back okay don't go anywhere okay but i'm
00:41:31
gonna be ben over here right and she's now bent over right with her brother [ __ ] spread open dingles and she's there for three days yeah good job she dies like that
00:41:45
hello fresh man i like fresh food delivered to my door dude when hellofresh is at my front doorstep i get
00:41:52
my mouth all water you dance i love it i love it your little fico up and down with hellofresh you can get farm fresh
00:41:58
pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep skip trips at the grocery store bob
00:42:04
count on hellofresh to make home cooking easy fun and affordable that's why it's america's number one meal kit dude
00:42:10
hellofresh delivers pre-portioned ingredients to your door including farm fresh produce that arri arrives within a
00:42:17
week so you get convenience without skimping on quality skip the trip to the grocery store andrew like you said
00:42:22
saving saving you the weight in long lines ensuring that you don't waste money on access excess food that's right
00:42:29
man warm yourself up the inside out this winter with limited recipes inspired by cozy classics from around the world like
00:42:35
beef tenderloin and cheese fondue ooh or miso sesame shrimp and bacon ramen my goodness this is good i've cooked fresh for years now uh before they were on the show i've been i've been eating their stuff and it's so fun so easy to do
00:42:49
because they tell you all the measurements it's delicious hello fresh when i add this hellofresh is 72 percent cheaper than a restaurant meal of the
00:42:56
same quality i think that's very key well guys you need to do this go to hellofresh.combatfriend16 and use the
00:43:01
code bad friend16 for up to 16 free meals and three free gifts hellofresh.com bad friends 16 for 16
00:43:08
free meals and three free gifts hello fresh america's number one meal kit headspace
00:43:14
has your mind been sprinting for years on end leaving trails of stress anxiety and fatigue that are eroding your mental health i got to tell you something i
00:43:20
lose sleep at night all the time because my anxiety and i'm overthinking my brain is firing and if you're nodding along
00:43:25
yes it's time to adopt small daily practices that will have a huge impact on your long-term happiness and well-being
00:43:32
and it's easy to learn with headspace yeah we all say fine we don't mean it right i always say fine fine how are you
00:43:38
feeling is it really an emotion is it no how many times have you told yourself you're
00:43:43
fine when all you've really felt is anger or sadness or nerves you're talking right to me in fact a recent
00:43:49
study proved that in two weeks headspace can reduce your stress by 14 dude whether you want to relieve stress
00:43:55
and anxiety sleep better or improve your focus head space is your everyday dose of mindfulness for real life i love this
00:44:00
stuff man i do love this stuff yeah headspace is great because i got to tell you something i like to meditate i know you like to meditate taking time out of
00:44:07
my day to do a little bit of meditation to clear up the old noggin truly does put me in a better say it headspace
00:44:14
headspace and also guys i'm telling you right now this stuff works try try it out however you're feeling try headspace
00:44:20
at headspace.com bad friends and get one month for free of their entire mindfulness library this is the best
00:44:26
headspace offer available so go to headspace.com bad friends today headspace.com
00:44:33
bad friends would you rather get hung or guillotine uh guillotine because it's it's instant i think hanging is instant no no way
00:44:43
dude your neck breaks you cuts off circulation you feel it you're like what you're feeling it happen well but what
00:44:48
if guillotine halfway through your neck and you're still alive like what the [ __ ] and they're all cracking up they're like
00:44:59
try it again sharpen it i would much rather guillotine though you want to be hung
00:45:04
you always love a show you love a show because i'm gonna do a funny i know you're gonna do a dance while you're no i'm just gonna do a funny
00:45:11
he's gonna yeah bobby's pinching his nipples while he's being hung i'll probably do my act oh my
00:45:16
god when bobby was a little boy he was molested by eric no like i would do hacky stuff like what is up with airplanes while you're hanging and dying
00:45:27
that would be terrible either way i think i would do i do guillotine heart you're gone immediately yeah the worst
00:45:34
is fire but you can't have an open casket though i don't want one oh i do my grandma just passed away we had to go to the wake is open
00:45:45
yeah at irish wakes you the way at an irish wake the day before the funeral did you kiss her
00:45:50
no you know what's so [ __ ] up and i'm not making any jokes right now i i never have ever liked seeing people of anybody
00:45:56
i've lost in my life i hate [ __ ] seeing them when they're dead so i avoid it like crazy the whole time i'm at
00:46:02
those things i don't want to look at it i i [ __ ] hate going near it but i will say this time and i'm being serious
00:46:08
i'm not making any jokes for the first time ever as we were leaving i went to go say goodbye and the room was cleared my
00:46:15
uncle was standing against the wall by himself and i went up to the casket and for the first time in my entire life
00:46:22
i was like at ease with it because i realized it didn't even look like her anymore i was like oh
00:46:29
the soul of her or who she really was is gone it's just the shell is left so it was kind of this weird like relief for me a little bit i was like oh yeah the thing i loved the human
00:46:40
that the or the entity that she was that i loved it's not even in there anymore anyway it's gone to somewhere better and
00:46:46
you know into the universe hell baby hell hell baby she was evil dude you don't know dude anyway how are you thanks for being a bad friend are we done yeah we're done
00:47:05
are you really i was just joking man i was being dead serious i'm sorry you made fun of me all the time when i'm
00:47:11
serious i said i'm not kidding three times and you had to go there yeah yeah but funny
00:47:17
no it wasn't funny no one laughed they got no laughs they were laughing no they do that out of courtesy why stop
00:47:22
courtesy laughing we could just cut that part out cha-cho no no we're leaving because they need to see how evil you
00:47:27
really are all right i'm just saying this is no they need to see you really [ __ ] sorry they need to see who who evil
00:47:34
she's a great woman you know that didn't i call you when all that happened no you did yeah no i know so i know we have to
00:47:40
make some fun yeah i was so concerned hey guys so we recorded bad friends last night and it did not go exactly according to plan you guys know that andrew and bobby have
00:47:51
very high standards for themselves and they don't want to air it but i think it's really funny so i want to show you
00:47:57
a little taste five four three two one can i just see something what that's it why don't i give you a beat and let me see you bad friends i don't know how to rap stop let me see you bad friends
00:48:20
hip-hop intro can i go slow i'll make the beetle be slow all right real slow real slow yeah yeah
00:48:28
slower really slower a show an intro for our [ __ ] channel all right the show ready
00:48:43
yeah that's right [Music] welcome to the bad friend show my body is made out of dough
00:48:57
in the sky is a crow and people don't know what they don't know welcome back to bad friends to have pretty good pretty good though
00:49:10
if you sped it up you'd be like is that nos if you sped it up i do something it's
00:49:15
nas all right i'm just learning about the holy spirit let me tell you everything it's not nas it's not nos it's nas yeah
00:49:22
nasty nas yeah nas that's the most asian way yeah yeah yeah oh yeah no step outside
00:49:47
hip hop what hip hop are you into lately so what what i know about hip hop is i know that um
00:49:52
the history about you know the first guide to ever the first emcee to ever rap on a show is
00:49:59
dj hollywood right and then um i just kind of know who the earlier being a grandmaster
00:50:05
flash where the earlier people are and then i just didn't know about biggies and uh
00:50:11
um tupac's little war i didn't know about you learned about it yeah i know everything about it
00:50:17
do you think do you think that tupac is still alive tupac is dead tuba got shot i'll tell you why the i do
00:50:23
yo yo yo dude so let me ask you guys something why is tupac matt why was two [ __ ] initially mad at biggie
00:50:35
you know what dude you're a rapper way too short anyway east coast beef was born because of death row records no that's not what happened yes no i'm telling you what happened i know okay i'm doing the
00:50:51
[ __ ] classes okay all right the master class tupac was in new york biggie was recording in the studio yeah
00:50:58
he was down there and one of biggie's boys was like what's up dude i'm gonna let you up yeah a little cease right
00:51:04
yeah yeah let you up right so while this guy comes down opens the elevator it was just blood and mayhem they already they
00:51:11
were shot up yeah right tupac thought that biggie set him up i don't i don't believe that's
00:51:16
true anyway i'm just saying that you guys you know make fun of me about not knowing hip-hop and not knowing my rhymes and rhythms and i'm going to tell
00:51:23
you right now dude that i'm doing my studying well you ready yeah that's right feel the air a little faster my name is bobby lee
00:51:34
i'm the king of society i'm fast i mean i do it in variety hell yeah that's really good yeah that was [ __ ] smooth dawg bobby b lee hey no and you know what yes you know
00:51:46
what your hip hop name is believe but it's [Laughter] you rap like someone from the [ __ ] 80s thanks dude i'm bobby lee i'm here to say it's about to be a wonderful day
00:52:04
oh my god i feel so good what's it in my pants it must be wood it's like the worst
00:52:10
can i come up with my own name no believe no i want to be dj should i dj shut up yeah
00:52:16
even rocket but i'm trying to learn you know but you do not like that you don't want to be cultured you guys know much about punk
00:52:37
rock or cbgb back in the 70s no no all i know is that uh uh losers wear cbgb shirts because they think it's cool bro that's so [ __ ] insulting yeah it's
00:52:47
like a shirt it's like a shirt that a guy thinks is cool to wear but you know like he knows nothing about it it's just like a thing to wear
00:52:53
am i right or am i right these kids carlos knows exactly what i'm talking about i don't think so i think anybody who wears this
00:52:58
cbtv is no i don't it's one of the most do you know what historic music venues in new york for
00:53:04
punk rock okay now help me with so the remote punk rock and grunge so nevada is grunge right what would be the example it's the difference between um hip-hop and you
00:53:15
know thanks to rap yeah it's the same thing but just different that's it that's that's the most articulate thing
00:53:22
you've ever said on this show the difference between grunge and is and punk rock punk rock is so
00:53:29
close to what hip-hop and rap are right that they're almost undefined yeah you can you can kind of define it if you listen to nirvana's first album bleach
00:53:36
right so good a lot of those songs are very very punk rock you know totally yeah and then and then never mind came
00:53:43
out and then heroin kicked in yeah yeah yeah garage don't you think that was what really happened that those out that like this whenever mine was out it was
00:53:50
so much more the h train because you can tell how much like like low and somber and deep
00:53:56
it was less bleach was way way more upbeat i'm sure the bpm's were way higher it's way more
00:54:01
upbeat i [ __ ] up on it was heavier day i saw nirvana two months before three months before um
00:54:07
cobain died what do you mean you saw them live yeah where in anaheim love and i drove up from san
00:54:13
diego and i had a date right and i [ __ ] that night up because she's taller right they all are
00:54:21
[Laughter] and i was getting hyped because you know how you know when they tailgate a party you know
00:54:33
there it is yeah february 22nd so i was in the parking lot or you know and i was just jumping up and down and i jumped so high it hurt hit her in the mouth
00:54:45
and she cracked a tooth her tooth was cracked and she was doing like i don't even drive me back oh she was yeah oh my god the night was young i just bought tickets
00:54:57
because your toothy is gone don't tell me you didn't get to see nirvana no i saw oh yeah but she was like i was like
00:55:03
well we got bleach like nosebleed seats but i was like i could always looked over and she's just like
00:55:09
and her tooth is missing and she's like just bummed did you ever go on a second date no yeah never saw her i don't even
00:55:14
know her name go back imagine there's some girl with still the chipped tooth that's like that son of a [ __ ]
00:55:21
can we bring up a picture of something yeah go ahead did you see britney spears post this week oh [ __ ] britney spears on instagram
00:55:28
posted nudes look at me are you being real yeah here's the thing what kind of nudes well they're covered
00:55:34
to her but it's on her insta so obviously it's not that new but look it's her on the beach yeah yeah showing oh that's not it that's not it that's
00:55:41
nice no maybe she took him down that's nice so there's there's a couple of nude photos that she put up with just stars
00:55:47
over her vagina oh go back there's full body ones get out of there real fast hold on scroll down maybe there there
00:55:53
they are that up above the flower yeah so this this is this is pretty good yeah it's pretty damn good right there okay
00:56:00
timberlake it's brilliant it's britney [ __ ] yeah this is why she got the conservative ship that's why they were like if you will if you were single uh-huh and i was
00:56:10
single would i have sex with you we were at with brittany in florida so that's what she hangs out i don't know where she hangs out florida sounds right yeah
00:56:18
who do you think she would like first are you and me in terms of dating doc you know she would yeah she wants something but having duck is like having a fly buzzer on your head
00:56:37
i want to address something real fast by the way we can get back to brittany uh free brittany
00:56:42
doc got so much love from people were saying we were mean about his uncle getting murdered people people were saying how we didn't handle his family death you know because all of
00:56:56
his gay uncles got killed oh you're from trauma and they said we handled it we weren't empathetic so let's take a
00:57:01
second bobby and i both yeah yeah uh part two here we go give us another hold up fellas let me get it
00:57:08
right just just really quickly i don't want to spend too much time on yeah let's just say why don't you just say to us
00:57:14
yeah man both of my uncles died you know from some crazy killer so just say that because but it was only one
00:57:22
oh right but the other one died we weren't sure okay right yeah well we were we were no i'm not what happened to the second
00:57:28
uncle the second oakland we he uh we don't know we don't know oh so back where you're
00:57:34
from there's no such thing as autopsies yeah but we'll get to that i ain't talked to their family and got all that
00:57:40
oh that was just oh that just happened okay so i remember that tell us again we're gonna handle it differently real fast we're gonna do it
00:57:45
i thought we just i don't think we just did it so let me i don't think i should be like asking questions and going what about this yeah that doesn't help yeah
00:57:51
yes i feel like a detective yeah you are because he's a murderer and that's why my detective stylings all right so go ahead and say let's go
00:58:03
yeah man my uncle one of my uncles was uh he was shot all right here we go ready so one of my gay uncles was murdered he was shot up
00:58:18
oh no no you know what let's get you one of these we're going to get you one of these best uncle everyone honestly let's give us another shot go ahead go ahead
00:58:38
go ahead and go uncle he was he was murdered shout out stop saying where the [ __ ] you see him
00:58:44
we have to do you did it do it again okay and when we come up right we're just new dudes okay girls i'm billy lee and you're jimmy santiago jimmy santana
00:59:01
okay wait hold abracadabra so my uncle [Music] getting a little moist got shot up he was killed
00:59:30
by a gay serial killer [Laughter] dude that's never not funny that line is [ __ ] do you not
00:59:41
where did i go wrong for the audience we're not [ __ ] laughing that his uncle was murdered but
00:59:48
the way doc says it yeah but by a gay serial killer it sounds like a [ __ ] from snl yeah yeah no you know killing
00:59:55
what we are gay cereal kills well well well here comes rudy rudy hi rudy how are you i think i have a stomachache oh sh why
01:00:08
oh the energy you bring is instrumental i was like is this robin williams yeah do you have a stomach ache kiddo what's that farting a lot and my tummy hurts you're farting are you farting right now
01:00:21
all right now those are okay right next before i came sorry [Laughter] well can you maybe not share that information i mean we i thought it a couple times in the card as well
01:00:33
no i like to share okay okay she's actually on fire what's going on rude i just came home from school how was school
01:00:45
boring what did you do this past weekend she met a boy again huh you met a boy remember you said you met a filipino boy in your class said hello to you oh yeah
01:00:57
yeah a filipino boy said hi to me yeah and he was cute did you guys exchange information no i
01:01:03
forgot to ask big time yeah but she goes which he's in my class so you'll see him you see him
01:01:10
today yeah yeah what's his name i don't know that's good uh so you're hitting it off
01:01:16
oh wait i see you met him you said yeah so how did that hi hey i'm someone in your class i don't
01:01:23
want to know your name you're just somebody in my class too ask for my name so how did you meet him he just goes
01:01:30
nice shoes and he just walked by no he asked like are you filipino and i said yeah
01:01:35
[ __ ] and then you go i'm juliana that's what human beings do is that racism timeout he just said are you filipino
01:01:41
you said yes and then that was it no and then he asked if i speak tagalog and i said no i speak another dialect
01:01:48
and then he said oh that's cool and okay [ __ ] it must be so weird being your age
01:01:55
what a weird what is that that's it that's what happened yeah but it was i liked it
01:02:01
you like the interaction yeah that seems awful she's being alone for a long time yeah really you've been trapped up or i
01:02:08
mean that's very strange to just go do you hey hi do you speak my language i speak a different one okay bye
01:02:14
yeah what the [ __ ] not like hey yo we should yeah we should hang out or hang out or whatever he should do that you
01:02:20
could do it too i can't why why i'm too shy yeah that is probably true yeah i mean but anyway so if i walked up to you and asked you are you filipino we would call
01:02:31
the cops it's you but you look like michael b jordan is that fine okay another person of another race came and asked you was your filipino would it bother you no he's saying he's a racist
01:03:02
like say a black dude came on was like hey are you filipino no that's not about it okay i thought it was racist just to walk up
01:03:08
to an asian person and just guess well if you go like yes it is if you get it wrong
01:03:16
no actually we have i have a three strike rule okay right so you get three charges so someone's like hey man are
01:03:22
you japanese no uh are you chinese nope you malaysian that's it and that's it and then you
01:03:32
walk away yeah i just shut down right on but you don't you know white people don't get that people don't go up to you
01:03:38
wait you you from england you're irish yeah i'm irish yeah yeah but my that's my point though if you got
01:03:44
that we get that five times a day if you got that first of all you don't get it five times a day i used to
01:03:51
the culture changed but in the 80s and 90s it happened relentlessly someone would just come up to you and go i i
01:04:06
you know money or something i've never seen this yeah they get excited like i'd walk into a bar or something and you
01:04:12
see why just [ __ ] i'm gonna get my shot i got this one vietnamese and then no and then and
01:04:18
they'd be like ah you're gonna get upset i've never seen this i can't because this is a real private thing and you in a room with
01:04:24
different asians are you able to go japanese korean chinese fighting like or are you just whenever a bunch of asians are in a room together they do start calling out well i'm just saying are you able to just like [ __ ] yeah you
01:04:37
know i'm able to do a lot of things i just [ __ ] don't oh yeah yeah because it's like you do that you don't have like yeah it's easy if i walk in and i say oh okay he might be african
01:04:48
right there no no that's not even that that's that's the content what you're doing right now is no it's
01:04:55
ghana that guy's from ghana that guy's from cote d'ivoire you know it's that kind of thing no
01:05:00
no what i'm saying is that i'm not dividing no what i'm saying in africa you're not listen to what i'm saying if
01:05:06
i'm in a group full of asians right what a nightmare right i could say you just said african so i go we're all
01:05:12
asians right right but you're that's not what you're asking me you're asking me specifics like do we know what specific
01:05:18
part of asia are they from so your thing is if you're around a bunch of black guys are you specific about where they're
01:05:25
from like oh you're from south africa yeah you're no you don't yeah if they talk i'll be like yeah there's nobody
01:05:31
here from 300 years ago they came over here if you said are you asian you wouldn't
01:05:36
ask that because you would already know by looking at me but white people want to know specifics
01:05:42
yeah some of the whites yeah because they have a favorite food and they want to talk to you about it see i don't want to talk to anybody about it yeah go
01:05:48
ahead i do i do the same [ __ ] i kind of i don't know i don't know what to tell you sometimes i'll be like i want some
01:05:54
korean food you've eaten korean food that's what i'm trying to tell you what they need three korean dishes and i will honestly if you
01:06:01
need me three korean dishes dude i will be so nice to you for the rest of the podcast okay the first one yeah wasabi
01:06:08
just give him that for fun yeah we'll give you a second we'll give you wasabi okay that's for fun that's just
01:06:14
kind of that's for fun okay now it's serious is that one because that's not one okay kimchi that's one that is hell
01:06:20
yeah that's what i'm talking about okay two more two more man hey man two more man don't don't do that
01:06:26
yeah yeah uh japanese horseradish uh chicken yeah okay you're done all right all right do i need to keep going yeah yeah yeah
01:06:39
yeah yeah it's real talk here oh [ __ ] oh man imagine him walking up imagine going to koreatown and he goes
01:06:46
inside of a like a traditional korean restaurant and he's just like hey man you got wasabi and kung pao chicken
01:06:52
they would take their katanas out right and you would just they would serve you the next meal did you know
01:06:57
this no typically yeah it's not a food it's a condiment it's like saying ketchup is a [ __ ] food it is a food it's not a food it's
01:07:19
ketchup food [ __ ] it it's ketchup it's food can i tell you something right but it's not because you put your food
01:07:24
it's not japanese it's not japanese there's not a korean restaurant on planet earth that has wasabi in it okay
01:07:31
do you know why because it's like them saying oh we have indian curry too i feel like this episode is slippery yeah we're getting out of control this [ __ ] podcast
01:07:46
i'll turn it off what's wrong nothing it's just i feel like the ritalin is affecting my performance can
01:07:52
we talk about on the show yeah so how many we caught you called me on the phone you told me you're taking how much five milligrams of ritalin now yeah it's
01:07:58
prescribed by a doctor by a psychiatrist yeah you feel like it's [ __ ] you up no i i no
01:08:04
cause you told me that you're getting better sleep on the ritalin it's been better yet but not as it's not
01:08:10
solving my sleep problem now but what would solve the sleep problem sleeping pills yeah [ __ ] can you take
01:08:16
that no no he can't [ __ ] why is this mike they turned his mic off why i think because of the vibe
01:08:28
the boys made a shotgun decision go ahead he's a producer on the show yeah hey man that's it okay no no what
01:08:34
do you what do you say doctor man i'm hurt i'm [ __ ] then you need to pick a bone with those two because those two especially you carlos you knew you're gonna diss me in
01:08:44
front of everybody well you know okay all right you can't really trust a mexican in spanish
01:08:52
what you're doing now is like what are you doing can i be real with you yeah i completely disagree he looks so dope
01:08:58
right now and yeah that's like larry david oh that is larry david then let me see the side let me look at the side i
01:09:04
love it it's not great the side oh so that looks so tight do you like that yeah rudy that looks tight yeah see young gallagher young
01:09:15
gallagher finish what you were going to say though so that ritalin isn't helping no it is helping on a lot of fronts this
01:09:21
is unarable this whole thing i think it's unarable i think i'm fine we're all a little off
01:09:30
[Music] uh ten times in your natural [Music]