00:00:00
two are bad friends who are these two idiots
00:00:06
you two are disgusting really YouTube or something we're bad friends I want to be
00:00:12
your underdeveloped Siamese twins as a kid you're born with like a mole I
00:00:19
have one on my leg right but maybe can we have the mole in your stomach I do have one on my stuff all right so and as
00:00:25
the years go by it just grows into more of it the people think it's a tumor right and then by age 12 you see an
00:00:32
eyeball that no I'm the guy you're normal you're not like this no you're not like no you're not you're not like
00:00:38
that because you're the normal one oh I'm me yeah you're you I'm your man coming out so go on right there's a
00:00:44
finger and Eyeball age 12 right you go to the doctor like we think it's we don't know we're not sure we're not sure
00:00:51
and then you're like you're so afraid your parents are like no we got to get it out we got it we gotta and you're
00:00:57
like you're you have a phobia of surgery of course right so you go I want to wait it's my decision it's my body my body my
00:01:02
choice my body my choice right yeah and then by the time 18 you can tell it's but it's weird because it you you're
00:01:08
like I think it's Asian my little my little mole has grown into my size it's like a mouth now the Asian eyes are out
00:01:15
right big cheeks right a finger yeah right and at night when I sleep I just I'm sleeping so and all I hear is
00:01:22
[Music]
00:01:28
if you don't please tell me you don't know what this is oh from aristocrats
00:01:41
shoulder head I'm actually teaching me how to speak a Korean man is protruding yeah I'm out at late at night you can
00:01:48
hear because my head is I have a neck now oh you're eating no I'm eating your dick no
00:01:54
no no we want to do a family I thought I'm gonna rock her I'm not a
00:02:00
writer I can't tell yeah wait a minute yeah yeah you're right I think you're
00:02:05
just eating something at night but I'm afraid you're gonna gain us weight right
00:02:10
so I hear you yeah and I'm like and I wake up yeah cut
00:02:16
it up we can always Ramen we're gonna get fat the slurping
00:02:21
right yeah yeah can we can you can we can it be that you sometimes think it's your day but it says Ramen sure what do
00:02:28
you want we'll cut it out okay no it's fine like can we just have it for me let me throw it out there it'll be like a
00:02:34
dream and it wakes up you're just eating juicy plays you get married to Juicy no
00:02:39
okay she's your daughter got it that makes more sense now you're 50. she's full grown yeah and you try you've been
00:02:45
hiding me this whole time how could I hide a half Korean man sticking out of my body I think you're fat you guys just
00:02:51
think I'm really important yeah you have like what do you say to your friends when your friends say when
00:02:57
they're like juicy it's kind of weird when your dad when I see your dad in the front yard he looks like something's wrong with his chest oh he's just fat as
00:03:05
[ __ ] yeah yeah we don't even have to write it I mean dialogue but you know what advice
00:03:10
I love calling them lyrics lyric whatever I'm gonna go to set tomorrow and be like these lyrics are not all
00:03:16
right [ __ ] up I'm not gonna sing this song on camera and then um because your wife knows she she okay
00:03:23
I would hope so yeah because you'd have to hide me that's it's impossible she doesn't every time I get naked I have
00:03:29
like a towel draped over me and I'm like it's just a comfort thing it's like it's hard to justify writing
00:03:34
wise well what is it what is it like it doesn't make any sense when you guys are alone you're like when are you gonna introduce me to your wife
00:03:41
let's make it dark how about this you're born you're my your wife mysteriously
00:03:46
dies oh wow I killed him I killed her and I how you were sleeping right I
00:03:52
found you know what I mean wait are you my uncle yeah I'm your uncle okay she finds two chopsticks in her eyes right
00:03:58
and while I was eating Ramen I just jabbed her eyes out with the two chopsticks whoa no too much I mean 824
00:04:04
it's more a24. I feel like this yeah yeah it feels like 24. get him on the phone right right and then what happens
00:04:10
and then I have to avenge my wife's death by deciding whether or not I'm gonna kill you which actually kills me
00:04:17
whoa or travel around the world to one country that the one doctor will do this
00:04:24
very risky surgery I have it oh you take it away I have it okay
00:04:29
you finally you can't you've had enough you know that I I murdered your wife with two chopsticks right you're like
00:04:36
[ __ ] it I gotta get the surgery got it all right yeah and when you I get surgically right removed removed you
00:04:44
hear that what happened I I
00:04:49
have two arms oh you're walking on your arms I I run away oh right and I [ __ ]
00:04:55
my brother he killed my wife you have to wear this apparatus every day of my life right gets it removed right you see like
00:05:03
a little marks like red marks on the hospital floor they can't find me whoa whoa so it's now you I know where you
00:05:09
live because I live there right right and I'm looking for my favorite because you my favorite sweater
00:05:15
I need my favorite sweater you do yeah and it's at home and you go to get it well yeah but you know you but you know
00:05:21
this is how you're gonna capture me he's gonna go for the sweater so you're there getting us right you
00:05:27
make this box like a Contraption of sort of like you know what I mean like with like a trap a
00:05:32
rat trap a rat trap yeah right and you put the sweater in the Rapture oh right you now know you're scared [ __ ] you helped me set up
00:05:39
the Trap right because you're you know what you're a girl scout okay no no good
00:05:44
layers I like this yeah you're a [ __ ] Girl Scout yeah and you know all the traps they know traps right in ropes
00:05:50
well also there's cookies she has girl access to the cookies I like cookies you definitely like cookies which kind
00:05:56
what's the flavor we'll say it on the count of three everyone's favorite one two three lemons yeah peanut butter one
00:06:02
Tagalongs is there a Lemon Zinger I just made it up
00:06:07
but look up the kinds I actually don't know if there is a Lemon Zinger yeah I think there's a lemon one no there is
00:06:12
right I think there has to be thin mints is the old school yeah yeah thin mints and then lemon
00:06:18
I'll just zoom in let's see Thin Mints lemonade lemonade lemonades I think
00:06:25
that's what I'm thinking about what the [ __ ] is a thanks a lot that's a great I've never heard of a thanks a lot in my
00:06:31
entire life and by the way they call I know what the flavor is probably [ __ ] yeah thanks a lot thanks a lot that's
00:06:38
delicious we're gonna cut that out too all right wait a minute what is it
00:06:44
thanks a lot is a biscuit dipped in chocolate with a thank you message really good you can't go wrong with it
00:06:49
shortbread but look it used to be called shout outs you know what Tagalongs are the peanut they're now called peanut butter patties weird they [ __ ] I
00:06:56
think well tag along is probably insensitive to uh nerds and losers that we're never leaders
00:07:01
what does Philippe like though who's Philippe
00:07:07
oh that's your guy I just named it fine dude I'm sorry was that too premature
00:07:12
nah that's sad because it's my uncle I never met he killed my mom yeah my mom said and we have to tell my uncle
00:07:18
Philippe let me see the names again of the cookies on I I think the ones that you like are
00:07:23
I'm gonna go with he he's big into the shortbreads okay because I'm short yeah
00:07:29
I have no legs but you love bread and I love bread yeah that's great legless
00:07:34
yeah yeah mound of and with arm but you walk on your hands but see I'm thinking in in horror films you'd be walking on
00:07:41
your hands but your face has to come up oh I know I know because you've been on his side your whole life you grab onto
00:07:48
people and and they walk you that's how you get around what do you mean you hold on to somebody and they
00:07:54
transport you around are they aware yes they don't have a choice yeah
00:08:01
so a ladies let me just say I get out of the hospital uh-huh and you when I see a nurse leave she's done with
00:08:07
her shift she is I latch onto her calf right is she going oh no
00:08:13
no At first she goes yeah she goes what are you doing and then you say what are you you would
00:08:18
ask what are you and you I'm a human being not in this world not in this world will she say something racial like
00:08:24
you know I mean half cook half cook I don't know I mean maybe in the 80s yeah
00:08:29
you're right in the 80s get this goo off of me yeah goo half if you're Halloween she says goo yeah and she knows it's
00:08:37
about it's racist so she stops it at that she almost says okay yeah in fear of getting canceled yeah she carries you
00:08:43
wherever you want to go that's what the movie's called goo goo that's what yeah right the beginning but
00:08:50
you make people feel bad you go what are you ableist get me to where I want to go I want to go take me to 417 Watchman uh
00:08:56
Avenue otherwise I'll tell everyone that you're yeah an ableist she drops me off I'm in a bush and I'm scoping up the
00:09:04
house can you imagine you on your hands in a bush how are you seeing anything
00:09:09
that's true you're upside down I can climb trees that you can do
00:09:14
yeah yeah but I just see these two arms just yeah it's clawing up a tree yeah
00:09:20
yeah right and you just sit on perching how about this why don't we do this as a little like you know while I'm attached
00:09:25
you're still growing up right yeah we're going backwards yeah a little bit you never clip my nails and that's a whole
00:09:31
dialogue oh you're like can you clean my name no that's why you killed my wife
00:09:38
with your nails instead of the Chopsticks and with with the nails I can climb trees faster that's right oh and
00:09:44
that's how we know he's in the air because we see this scratch scratching the bark oh I see so it's not right away
00:09:49
you guys do investigate it the next day we discover and you're like a detective Girl Scout lady yeah and you're like
00:09:55
look at the [ __ ] tree well my friends are all looking at my my now skinny dad and they're like wow your dad looks
00:10:01
different and all I can see I mean it's just a side croaky it's a lot of girls because you know you're single now right yeah but I know I'm not getting any
00:10:08
girls because I still have this big gash of a hole on the side of my body from where a man
00:10:14
was that's true that's we need to call Ryan Murphy with these ideas yeah yeah cause I watched his show last night I
00:10:20
started the Watcher yeah watch her but it's good oh I watched that whole thing you watch the whole thing already is it good it's good everyone say it's good
00:10:26
the one about the house right yeah it's very Ryan Murphy do you know what I mean by that no I don't I don't know who Ryan it was good I got scared are you serious
00:10:32
I swear to God American Horror Story never seen it Glee you've never seen one American Horror Story it's been on for
00:10:38
like 34 years I I see the Billboards I'm like oh that looks weird like there's always like two like vampires attached
00:10:44
to each other and like doing some weird that's like the thing we just wrote yeah you're literally do you think I stole it
00:10:50
yeah you did I stole it from the billboard no but it's very Ryan Murphy but Bobby Cannavale and uh uh what can I
00:10:57
think of her name Naomi Watts Naomi Watts you only got 52 on Rotten Tomatoes Jennifer Coolidge is [ __ ] and my boy
00:11:02
Richard kind my buddy Richard kind is in it who kills it yeah they're all great you know Richard yeah okay you know
00:11:08
somebody's special he's he's the funniest person I've ever met in my life in my entire I'm not kidding his because
00:11:15
he's got that very like uh it's like old school New York Jew like everything I'll
00:11:20
be eating a meal and he'll go are you gonna finish oh wait wait what show was he on with you I never did a show with
00:11:26
them how did you meet him he's playing golf you know I'm tired of your [ __ ] golf
00:11:32
[ __ ] dude fine no I'm tired of it what did I do because you meet so many cool people doing it and because my dad used
00:11:38
to beat me with golf clubs I have a fear of it and he [ __ ] up my career can I
00:11:44
tell you a weird story though I have a weird aside from goo we'll get back to Google how does it end I think we let
00:11:50
the audience decide How It Ends in the comments below tell us how goo ends all right that's what I like so um I'm gonna tell you something weird that happened
00:11:56
love can I can you tag two seconds real fast can I compliment you go ahead your
00:12:03
[ __ ] strawberry kisses nails are looking so cute thank you yeah those are that color is it's getting me a little
00:12:09
horny I'm not lying are you being real it's a sexy color thank you and I usually Reserve that for like if when I
00:12:15
see it on you know well single Bob wants to because you know everyone says that my fingers are like Wolverine pants yes
00:12:21
they are right yes they are and I wanted to change that because I'm like dating now can we get a manicure together and
00:12:26
get an excellent dude every other week you want to get one no that's
00:12:33
I got these ones recently I was getting my oil changed I went and got manicured yeah I want to see like Bobby do they
00:12:39
always have to be Vietnamese yeah okay yeah they're just so aggressive well who else can do it that good look at how
00:12:44
[ __ ] good that looks I know but she's like she doesn't care you get a Malaysian and then they're gonna [ __ ] it up oh really I don't know okay I've
00:12:50
never done it yeah yeah you gotta go I'm still holding on I'm no way I'm still holding on to this uh no way you said
00:12:56
I'm still holding on to this [ __ ] Uber masculine nonsense I'm gonna I'm gonna do this till I die this guys don't
00:13:02
get their nails painted that's me that's you know it's cool you look good but I'm not I would never you could get a manicure without getting your nails
00:13:07
painted no thanks what is it for it's for your health like you get that guys are supposed to have
00:13:13
shitty hands a part of being a guy is having a shitty looking [ __ ] up hand well the reason why I got it done is
00:13:19
because when I was shooting that softball movie there was an extra background girl thank you good safe put that in the
00:13:26
books as a good say yeah it was a background woman right right and she was laying on her back and I thought there
00:13:32
was some sort of energy between us that like made some flirtations going she didn't have any lyrics right she didn't yeah
00:13:37
background right and so she um I kind of went like this you know what I
00:13:43
mean to wake her up with my fingers I did some sort of you know Korean you know warlock stuff
00:13:49
or whatever right and she opened her eyes and she looked at my finger she goes gross oh [ __ ] her she looked at my
00:13:55
finger someone grows and at that point I was just like I gotta do something about it I'm not listening to that [ __ ] I did
00:14:00
she was a background okay so the side thing though let me just say that this is interesting so um you know what
00:14:07
temperature you scroll through your because I was doing some um some management when it comes to my
00:14:13
contact list you are deleting old numbers yeah no numbers I didn't understand you know what I mean and people that like it says
00:14:20
Amy you know what I mean yeah who's that who the [ __ ] is Amy let's call her up well you know what we should do we should call off all the numbers in your
00:14:26
phone and people oh yeah we should do that that's actually very fine yeah but then I went to the bees right
00:14:31
and this is a couple years ago um it's a Billy Ray Cyrus
00:14:37
what yeah seriously yeah I swear to God I still have it you do yeah so then I
00:14:43
you a couple years ago when I saw it I I went to Cologne I got really right sir who is that again it's like that's Miley
00:14:48
Cyrus's dad I've never met him why would I have his number why wouldn't and then she goes it's fake it's probably you
00:14:55
probably a guy that you know who's a comic or something or you met somebody that looks like Billy Ray Cyrus and then
00:15:01
you know you just put him at Billy Ray Cyrus that sounds more right that sounds right right but that being said but
00:15:06
check this out what I discovered uh-huh so there's this girl that I'm hanging out with right and she used to work for
00:15:14
him it's coughed yeah that's fine okay go ahead she used to work for him yeah so I
00:15:22
go oh well he's so funny I told her the story she goes what's the number and as I said the number she finished off the
00:15:27
number she go that is his number wait what happened and so I don't know how the [ __ ] I have Billy Ray Cyrus's number
00:15:36
in my [ __ ] phone you imagine you guys were on like a flirty texty DM for like a couple of weeks and you just blacked
00:15:42
it out I don't know Kim was that weird can we call it I don't know if I want to who cares like what's the difference you
00:15:48
never called him anyway you know you never had this person I mean if I pick it up and he goes hello Billy Ray Cyrus
00:15:53
it's Bobby Lee from Bobby Lee from goo from goo the star of Goo yeah let me think about it I please dude it'd be so
00:16:00
[ __ ] cool yeah really it would be so fun Billy Ray sorry I'm gonna take my
00:16:06
horse you don't even know this song right yeah okay good so anyway um that
00:16:14
was like the biggest song of the year what two years ago what was it how many years three but let me just say one last thing that happened last night I was
00:16:21
sitting there did you see two guys walked up to me handcuffed last night what yeah at the store at the
00:16:28
store and they go we're doing it wait what are you doing the thing that
00:16:33
you and Andy were gonna do it we're being we were hanging this is day three no [ __ ] way and they were handcuffed
00:16:40
did you just hear what this what he just said I don't quite get it though two people were handcuffed at the comedy store together and remember we joked on
00:16:45
the show one time about us being handcuffed together and Lasting 30 days what was it I don't even have a week a week a week yeah and they go day three
00:16:52
and they didn't look healthy no they did like one eye guy's eyes were bloodshot
00:16:57
and you kind of looked deranged and there's and the other guy that was talking was like we're doing it so
00:17:02
they're handcuffing themselves yeah and I'm like why they go because you guys did it we didn't do it we did not do it
00:17:08
yeah yeah we're doing it anyway I did not see those guys yeah yeah they
00:17:13
were there that is creepy why would they do that also you guys got to keep going and send it into US oh yeah yeah you got
00:17:21
to keep going you got to keep going and send it into one of The Producers seven and just send it into fancy you guys should do like uh some more volunteer
00:17:27
work or something if you're this influential yeah what should we do some charity [ __ ] we've talked about doing
00:17:32
charity charity well what do we want to do soup kitchen what's that one it just sounds sad soup
00:17:38
kitchens I've done it before it's actually it's not it's not sad isn't there like a Pizza Kitchen we can work instead well they do like more than just
00:17:45
soup they just I think they just call it that you know we did that in the Philippines where we brought boxes to like this Village they had no running
00:17:51
water or food or anything and as soon as we came up we had like 200 boxes of food and these kids ran a completely naked
00:17:58
they hadn't taken shot it was so sad yeah right and it just breaks my heart that's why I can't do it again
00:18:04
[Laughter] I can't get that sad when I do charity
00:18:11
so I'm not gonna do it anymore I'll do it once and then done should we bring in our special guest who's here for uh just for just to say hi huh what is he well
00:18:19
you're gonna talk to him when he gets in here all right I hope he doesn't have attitude there he is hey what's up man how are
00:18:27
you I feel great sit down let's talk let's talk about it you guys know each other don't you oh
00:18:34
yeah since this is the beginnings no I'm talking about juice and Moe's so our special guest that's come to the studio
00:18:39
is an old friend uh someone that Bobby has a lot of beef with apparently I have no beef I love it well you guys can hash
00:18:45
it out there's no hash Brian Moses has stopped by most thanks for coming thank you Santana what's going on with this
00:18:50
guy yeah I don't know because I might as well
00:18:56
right I heard you say you're Filipino I'm just like he's Korean you are is that attitude right there see what he
00:19:03
just did it's that attitude right there let me ask you something okay okay and and and let's just see let's get real
00:19:09
and let's be more let's get real all right in the last five years maybe since you did
00:19:14
um Rose battle maybe you know I feel like you there's a little bit of an attitude toward me like you know really
00:19:21
say hi to me you don't want to talk to me you sort of distance yourself I feel like you feel like you're too cool is
00:19:27
that what the deal is no no no I feel I actually feel the same way I feel since Rose battle took off you've been kind of
00:19:33
weird to me oh I like why would that be because the thing is is you're the roast battle is what took you off into a
00:19:40
different plane and you never actually made this no I stayed the same so once just a science he's always been an
00:19:46
[ __ ] yeah I've always been an [ __ ] right and then something happened right
00:19:51
science yeah and an element shifted okay but one element stayed the same
00:19:58
what it what's the element I'm this element oh you're saying so yeah so you're saying yeah two things that were
00:20:03
on the same plane explosion happened right one of them crashed into a World Trade Center right and one stayed here
00:20:08
hit the Pentagon the Pentagon yeah yeah don't forget building seven is that what you're saying yeah you're
00:20:14
saying I'm more like I hit you is that the one Renaissance was in anyway here's right let me let me try to break
00:20:20
down what Bobby's saying yeah and here's why he's mad I guess I'm not mad here's why I just want to get it out you want
00:20:26
to get it out because you really like Moses and you think he doesn't like you anymore that's really what it is it's
00:20:32
not that light it's like yes it is you think he doesn't like you anymore Bobby you you somebody you told my parents I was talented and gray you lied to them
00:20:39
and told these all these great things about me I mean I thought we were really good friends so I walked let me ask I don't remember but I went up to your
00:20:44
parents your biological parents yes yes I know and what exactly what did I say I don't need how I don't know
00:20:52
well he's right you might have said that you're very funny yeah yeah what did I
00:20:58
say to you that was very funny what did I say to your [ __ ] parents now you said your son is very talented you don't
00:21:03
see a lot of young black talented people here besides and you like listed like a bunch of black talented people in front of them yeah you're like Eric Rose Kobe
00:21:10
Bryant Richard Pryor did I did I make you look good you make me look great okay yeah
00:21:16
and here's another thief I have with you I have two now this is so dumb why can't
00:21:22
I do it do whatever you want I'm just laughing at it yeah um this is my domain sure yes okay sure all right you coming
00:21:28
to the Lion's Den you might get bit ship station hey everybody um we have an online business here at bad friends and
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00:23:45
what is this I hear because I've talked to a lot of females since I've been single
00:23:51
you're single yeah and that's another beef I have now you haven't even told me that I'm into Asian well first of all
00:23:57
all right you want kalila's number are you saying him yeah oh oh yeah if
00:24:04
you're a part of the community comedy community and you don't know that I broke up with kalila that means somebody's drifted away is that a Time
00:24:11
agree with me time out it means somebody drift away do you agree with me he knows you broke up he's teasing do you really
00:24:16
this is how I this is how I that's your comedy at my back no no that's my pickup when I saw you I'm like oh [ __ ] you're
00:24:22
running single that's all I do let me get to my second piece how do you not understand that that's what he's doing yeah I didn't know well we got to get
00:24:28
you around more black people you think that's it why do you chew that let me tell you let me tell you no snitching
00:24:35
These Guys these guys man they're like a vault a big black I don't know anything Bobby I know nothing about you oh wow oh
00:24:41
that's what it is yeah I don't even know if all right your brother's name is Stephen Lee he is a better podcast
00:24:50
that's it's funny that he's doing his roast things which I like first of all yeah yeah that's his technique part of
00:24:56
the reason that he wanted to come say what's up is because he's got he's got some okay before you do that second thing out that's fine okay wait the
00:25:03
second thing already was you thought that no that wasn't it okay right the second thing is is that I've heard from
00:25:08
many many women in comedy that you eat the best
00:25:14
[ __ ] he does but how I can attest it bothers me why what's your Technique like he's gonna
00:25:21
share it I need to know the technique I can't teach you how to dunk Bobby and that's a layer joke
00:25:35
out of your skill set you as a person do you know that that's your skill set
00:25:42
um yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah wait Moe's for real now that he is single you don't have to do it for him
00:25:48
do it for me do it for me because you love me I got you please love Bobby though San Diego Legend thank you sure
00:25:55
give give him one one tip in the in the in the eating Kitty
00:26:01
faction yeah give him one tip because he know he's he needs any of them so give him one little tip if you can just one
00:26:08
tip just one tip I mean act like you like it act like you like it oh smile not even smile just
00:26:15
like really get into it here's the thing I think a lot of guys [ __ ] up yeah by the way yum yum this is
00:26:21
supposed to be a secret nobody supposed to know this mom don't watch this okay uh yeah but just it's not even act like
00:26:26
just really like it don't look a girl in the eyes like girls do the thing in porn were like you know like they're blowing a guy and like they're looking in his
00:26:32
eyes like guys don't ever look in a girl's eyes when you're going down on them that's weird they don't like it I'm always like don't look at me
00:26:38
like you like this you're like you're trying to prove to them you like like just do it it's almost like you're not scared about your comedy don't be scared
00:26:44
of eating [ __ ] that's but also that's that you know
00:26:50
that's science because if you're closing your eyes it looks like you're just trying to get through it he's saying look like you're enjoying it but not
00:26:55
lock eyes it's a lot of rules it's like you're Swinging with sharks just don't look up I mean don't pedal your arms a lot of guys with the shark
00:27:01
next time you're playing stardew Valley look in the mirror and whatever that looks like that's great thank you so
00:27:09
much she knows what she's doing right so that's one of the best eating [ __ ] never lock eyes never look okay can we
00:27:16
get one more please and if and if she gets two ornery you gotta punch her in the nose that's the only way to get him away you know that right right like a
00:27:22
shark yeah what's the second thing you think um you know promise them uh that you'll
00:27:28
you'll vote women seem to like that midterms oh midterm voting yeah Roe v wage right
00:27:35
right that's so hard but if I'm eating out yeah but if I'm eating up Marjorie
00:27:41
Taylor green I would have to say a different thing what would you say I would say yeah [ __ ] Roe versus Wade no
00:27:46
no just say uh say something about uh Alex Jones was right uh yeah Sandy Hook
00:27:52
is a you know what I mean yeah I believe in reptilian shapeshifter yeah yeah yeah oh I see Kanye's new Hitler with a beat
00:27:59
yeah something cool I know you guys are joking but I'm kind of on board with most of those things that you just said yeah so you guys are teasing around but
00:28:06
so those are two things don't lock eyes and talk about voting no act like you
00:28:12
like it act like I like it don't don't act like you like it don't lock guys let
00:28:17
them know you're gonna vote let him know you're gonna vote the voting thing but okay because I'm gonna try it but I feel
00:28:23
like it's like you're not gonna see this is why this is why we need more [ __ ] say because you're not voter right before you go down the legs are here and
00:28:28
you and you just you go down right before you going and then pop back up and go I'm gonna vote and then go right back oh I see yeah what if I pop up and
00:28:35
I have that voting sticker on my head even better I voted right that circular sticker actually you know what go down
00:28:41
on them go down on them make them come right and then pull your head away and go look and when they look down they see
00:28:47
you've left a sticker right there all right let me think it's like a fortune cookie though okay that's good that's really good
00:28:54
that's really good that's good if you pull a fortune cookie out and go yeah what is this after you went down crack it open it's an I voted sticker right or
00:29:01
with my jit oh I'm not jerking off don't make it disgusting you don't want to
00:29:07
like it that much oh I don't want to go that much okay just enough so those are you know what these are things right so we squashed your beef that eat first of
00:29:13
all I apologize if I was acting like you in any way I apologize I was keeping that same energy you know
00:29:21
I disagree with you I feel like that I am very nice at the store you are actually and am I not yeah you're there
00:29:27
all the time he get he had a bag and I go oh what's in the bag and he goes oh it's just a bunch of food here you guys can have it I was gonna throw it away
00:29:34
did you ever end up eating it yeah we all ate it okay good good yeah we put it out on the back no say this like the
00:29:39
first my first day on the jobs like April 1st April 2nd 2010 and Bobby came up to me it was like oh you're the new
00:29:45
black guy here I got some I need some jokes for like for this thing I'm doing with Valderrama you said and then uh it was
00:29:50
me and real battle were there love it and I remember that uh Bobby's I'll give you guys 100 bucks each and then where I
00:29:56
was like cool I'm gonna go get your Rod I was like I'm right here Bobby's like cool I was giving it to him but if you got better people I'll go get him I was
00:30:02
like yeah that was my introduction anyway we're just kidding why are you here [Laughter]
00:30:07
Rose battle League one Monday night comedy store Halloween night at The Comedy Store yes there's a comedy show
00:30:13
on Halloween night in his roast battle League number one it's the very first roast by the league event what's it roast battle league so now you know we
00:30:19
have roast battle on these rose petals everywhere every continent but Antarctica so now we're bringing the best Rose Battlers in the world bringing
00:30:24
them into Halloween night and uh basically doing like the UFC thing so basically wow the best guys he rose
00:30:29
probably battling each other let me can I ask you some questions I'm very curious about it yeah are you flying people out or are they getting no we're
00:30:35
flying people up that's amazing so where's the farthest place you're playing somebody out from uh London and Tokyo holy [ __ ] Tokyo there's a Japanese
00:30:42
dude there's no it's Japanese girl itsy she's on the next one the rose medal two Roosevelt League two but roast battle
00:30:48
League one is a London cat we uh we and yeah Tokyo's coming it's every Monday no every no no every month but uh Monday
00:30:54
night is the first one Monday Halloween night Halloween Halloween night and you put them up where do you put them on
00:30:59
before you go we're gonna have to break your heart this will come out after that it's all good but but roast Battle 2
00:31:04
Rose battle two yeah every month at The Comedy Store we're doing a roaster a league event and we're building up to battle Mania which we're going to do in
00:31:11
July [ __ ] yeah it's incredible you know what yeah because I you know I've judged it before I've I've watched many many of
00:31:17
them you've seen me in the audience I love it and um I just have you ever done one
00:31:22
no but what I will say is I feel like I can't do it when I watch what you built at The Comedy Store because I've known
00:31:28
you for a long time I was I've said this to you multiple times how like happy I was that that
00:31:35
what you put together became so this is like viral in real life like that show
00:31:41
became viral in real life in the comedy world so much so for people that don't know is all these other [ __ ] cities
00:31:47
everywhere we would go would copy it they would do their roast battle in Nashville in in Miami when I was in
00:31:54
Philly and they all did it but it that started at our house upstairs in the
00:32:00
belly room at our club and watching most put it together and I've judged I don't know a thousand [ __ ] times but I used
00:32:06
to sometimes I used to get so stoned after my set and I would go sit in the
00:32:11
back of roast battle Yeah but not say I would say hi to him but I would just sit
00:32:16
and watch because it was like watching a show I mean it was it was it was such a [ __ ] event that I would hide in the
00:32:23
corner because I wanted to feel the energy without being a part of it it I it's the hardest I've ever laughed oh by
00:32:30
far by far and number two what I love about it is and it's not funny what I'm about to say but it's like it's the
00:32:37
biggest expression of free free speech it is because I feel like the wokeness
00:32:42
and all that stuff doesn't apply to it and there's a freedom to it and it's like it feels this I've never felt more
00:32:49
American being in that room yeah right because you can say because I've said I've I've said I've heard word the [ __ ]
00:32:58
that I even would be like I would never [ __ ] that's crazy but I love right because it because it doesn't matter
00:33:03
what you know like different races and genders and ages and backgrounds and everyone makes fun of everybody for
00:33:10
everything so there's no rules which makes it all free which makes a handicapped person making fun of a black
00:33:16
girl making fun of an Asian guy like it's just everything is for making fun of a guy's dad that died two weeks
00:33:22
before yeah I mean like just no holds bar yeah and I [ __ ] love it it's incredible so what we achieved today
00:33:28
though is we squashed this fake beef between you and Moses I love them that's what I'm saying
00:33:33
he taught you how I want you to really teach me because it's like um no I'm being real I want to take a class who
00:33:39
you promising me that Bobby let's just do it right now what's your goal when it comes to sex oh no I can [ __ ] no no I don't want the
00:33:46
[ __ ] oh wait that's your favorite that's that's the first problem [Laughter] I can [ __ ] you dude it's not about you
00:33:53
yeah yeah no that's it see the first thing he says is I yeah it's not about oh my you're just blowing my mind it's
00:34:01
her her I'm setting up I'm sitting up I'm sitting up I just had a [ __ ]
00:34:06
Spiritual Awakening you're right so now it says sex is never about you never about me
00:34:13
it's not about you it's about her absolutely is oh my God he's like my [ __ ] you know cure for God I'm your
00:34:19
sensor yeah yeah he's my philosopher does a woman go in with that attitude as well because then what are they doing
00:34:28
well juice when you're in a thing in a misogynist when you're with your boyfriend do you feel like it's about
00:34:33
you or about him about him because you want to be a great lover yeah but then if we're both doing that what are we
00:34:39
doing Somebody's gotta be there each other off yeah first if you're so equal and then so if if two people are
00:34:46
way too giving then it becomes cuck then cuck has to step in at some point yeah I'm cook and this is Mr Right I see yeah
00:34:55
so is this something that you asked before so before I go this is going to be about you no right and just thinking about you
00:35:02
you're literally you're making about you again oh by even by even asking the girl
00:35:07
I'm making it I'm doing this for you is literally saying you're you're doing this so she knows about you so how about
00:35:12
this what are you doing it for can I ask that yeah I'm doing it no no I know the girl I look at the girl and go excuse me
00:35:18
Cynthia I'm just a random name right excuse me yeah hi um before we do this
00:35:25
transaction right is that not the right word transaction
00:35:32
is she an ATM no okay let me say Cynthia hi can I say hi let me say hi oh you
00:35:39
want to say hi I'm Cindy you're Cynthia yeah let's see how it plays out and then he can tell you what you did wrong all right Cynthia hey
00:35:46
hi hi I have to say the last high it's like an OCD thing for me so don't break
00:35:52
character stay in the [ __ ] character start over say someone say action action Cynthia yeah Bob
00:35:59
hi hi hey hi hi hi
00:36:05
I have to say hi hi is this an Asian thing yeah yeah anyway
00:36:13
foreign so listen um Cynthia what are you doing this for I
00:36:19
mean what do you think is it about you or is it about me I don't know what you're saying what I'm
00:36:24
saying is is that we're watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon I know and I love this movie Michelle Kwan it's so
00:36:29
good she's amazing so are you and she's also the Asian Meryl Streep I'm just aware you know yeah right I did a movie
00:36:36
with her I'm half asian you know that yeah I know that Cynthia yeah right hi Cynthia hi hi anyway
00:36:42
um what I mean by that is is that um everything's about you when I'm doing this Transit transaction everything's
00:36:49
about you when I'm playing we're playing this game this is not a game it's gonna
00:36:54
be all about you I mean while we um um interplay in this you know formal
00:37:03
physical activity that we're partaking in it's there's formality to this I just
00:37:09
want this to be loose and fun is it over yeah I'm home have I lost while you were
00:37:14
I lost by the way while you're not have I lost I feel like as as the guy in the part I feel like I'm losing it that was
00:37:22
the most boring porn I've ever watched yeah foreign
00:37:28
I already called The Uber Cynthia Cynthia yeah
00:37:37
actually honestly that worked that's hot as fun yeah that's good that's fine right the choki too much no no the
00:37:44
talking too much yeah make it a silent movie yeah all right
00:37:52
oh oh perfect you're right that's your perfect you
00:37:59
should do a master class how much would you charge for a master class on how to go down I wouldn't because I'm not a misogynist look at that that's amazing
00:38:06
wait dude you're a cult leader why is that well yeah because I'm making money off of the exploitation of women's
00:38:12
pleasure I'll see you it's so that you would charge nothing but you would still do it I do it for free yeah it'd be a
00:38:18
community service it's amazing or you take it or you take a fee and then you donate it to a woman's uh sex story sex
00:38:25
toys what no to a woman's charity yes and if that woman is against
00:38:30
um the uh the I want to say Ad is a matter Candice Owens
00:38:35
yeah but that is a true thing that you will that I've I've I don't want to name the girls but they've been a couple of
00:38:42
girls in the comedy community that you've eaten their you know I mean beautiful vaginas it's supposed to be
00:38:47
anonymous anonymous they've all hands down locked my eyes with me and said
00:38:52
Brian Moses is the best at that and clap no no this is just for you
00:39:00
it just feels weird to clap on my own I know but I like watching it yeah yeah there it is you guys are constantly clapping towards
00:39:07
the black man we appreciate that this is a jealousy thing they're [ __ ] good at that too all right right yeah yeah these
00:39:13
blocks are getting too many hand claps see what I mean yeah yeah or music or I'm tired of it dude yeah Asians you
00:39:20
guys have you guys you guys love the culture right basketball you know yeah yeah break dancing hip-hop
00:39:28
all that [ __ ] yeah video games yeah but you know what connect argument though it's a I know that a lot of um black
00:39:34
people in the 70s love to go see Kung Fu festivals and so we've influenced you guys on as well here listen I want to
00:39:40
break the myth for that here's the yeah no no we love it and here's why because black people in the 70s were all poor
00:39:46
and B movies were free yeah so you get them for free but you had your own Dolomite
00:39:51
et cetera Etc yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah right but you oh you guys love but no but I've met a lot of black women my dad
00:40:00
used to take me to the Kung Fu festivals in the 70s and you you know and I'm being real that's a what you think I'm
00:40:06
wrong no I just wait man what yeah how old are they they're my age they're in their 50s now yeah yeah yeah yeah but
00:40:12
I'm just saying that you know it's not it's not it's a two-way street what's your dad's name Robert oh Bob oh okay
00:40:19
why would you ask me that because I was like because you're not saying Lee the 70s Kung Fu Bruce Lee like there must
00:40:24
have been a lot of confusion I'm not even joking I mean like it's your your uncle or something I don't
00:40:30
like it you don't have an uncle Bruce no I don't no he's no there's no no nothing no there's no relation okay that's good
00:40:37
yeah yeah there's absolutely would you name your son Bruce I didn't no because because the teasing
00:40:45
because he's not gonna know karate isn't that interesting that Bruce Bruce as an Asian guy very weird that it's an
00:40:53
Asian guy's name but there's nothing to make fun of but Bruce white guy for some reason just an easily teasable name oh
00:40:58
my God hater Bruce it's haterbrew God I hate a Bruce has there ever been a black Bruce same
00:41:04
Bruce yes is there a black Bruce there's no way there's a black famous I was thinking Bill Duke no no it's not Bruce
00:41:11
maybe I have a theory maybe white dudes name certain names if you put it to an Asian guy it switches it so what's
00:41:18
another name that like I um Ken
00:41:24
is Ken a weird one for whites no okay when you say where do you mean annoying
00:41:30
white guy like Bruce um Chad Chad if you made a cran dude
00:41:35
named Chad would that be weird or a cooler kind of tight that's tight yeah oh yeah there goes Chad KU yeah there's
00:41:42
chadku right there Chad Hugo he's the Neptune stuff producer oh really that's true I guess if you take a white shitty
00:41:48
name yeah and you give it to an Asian yeah it makes it okay again maybe like Curtis yeah or Andrew Andrew in fact if
00:41:56
you take if you take a Russian name slow down Brian yeah yeah
00:42:01
wait a minute you know your name
00:42:07
[Laughter] you took white names that just didn't work I mean it's bad I had like three
00:42:13
white names yeah I'm gonna give my kid if I have a kid have a kid just an unusual name black American black like
00:42:20
what I don't know LeBron yeah LeBron Lee Bernard oh my God that's a stronger
00:42:26
French yeah yeah pretty much yeah how about like uh how
00:42:32
about like uh yeah latavian latavian Lee that's dope the alliteration is amazing
00:42:39
latavian League that's that's the next one latavian
00:42:44
um any J really Jamal Jamar yeah Shaquan
00:42:49
Jaquan Jaquan Lee is sick that is that dude is dope Jaquan Lee
00:42:56
actually sounds very he's a producer what kind as it comes out hip-hop what
00:43:01
hip-hop I don't think so oh I think a name influences what you become maybe I
00:43:07
agree yeah yeah please go to The Comedy Store every Monday once a month let's not say that
00:43:13
once a month yeah just once a month it's uh the roast battle league so this is the new iteration of Rose battle Rose battle's traditional every Tuesday but
00:43:20
there's Rose battles all over the world and they broadcast so we're trying to make a league kind of like the NBA everybody plays basketball but there's
00:43:26
only such thing called professionals so bring all the Professionals in once a month to The Comedy Store hopefully on a
00:43:32
Sunday or Monday flying a man from Tokyo Sydney Australia Barcelona Spain amazing London New York Chicago Austin Bay Area
00:43:39
La all over the world uh and we're bringing them here so check the comedy store website the comedystore.com to go
00:43:44
see when when those tickets are going to be up and moving around I have one last question though yeah so um I wanted to
00:43:51
talk to you about this earlier um it's a specific style of writing right
00:43:56
um roasting um I've never learned to do that style right are you good at that style could
00:44:03
you write us a roast joke nah I don't think I could but you're good at it
00:44:09
I want to try to roast juice you help me with that okay she's done it I know so what what would
00:44:14
I start with let's say I was battling juicy I would look at her like so I would write down what I see like physically
00:44:20
right so she looks like a low rent Bono with those glasses that's one that's one
00:44:25
hit right right I would look at her body and go and write down things that I saw in her body yeah like clothes she's wearing
00:44:32
clothes the shape of her body yeah you can go easy with that just uh you look like this and then you start from there
00:44:38
it's it's basically just like a writing experiment yeah like you you look like a soup dumpling
00:44:43
oh that hurt but you do that does work but it's like a there's a that's pretty good yeah you do yeah soup don't play
00:44:48
yeah oh that's good because I'm wet okay good yeah you're wet you're around chunky and soup is like a thing for your
00:44:54
people a lot it's a race element yeah so like if let's let's say um Juicy's mom died a week ago is that too soon or no
00:45:02
it's not it's too late yeah oh it's too late it's Gotta Be same day it's gonna be the same day same day death stuff no
00:45:08
no I'm kidding not you can't usually a week yeah it doesn't and honestly because we're roast battles gotta be consensual so usually when you're
00:45:14
battling an opponent you want to ask them what soft limits yeah oh [ __ ] they do that oh [ __ ] so because we're about
00:45:20
we're about consensuality it's weird all right so so let's see you and I are roasting those juice I'm being real what
00:45:26
do I stay away from um my mom dying it's too fresh okay
00:45:32
[Music] also did your mom really die no wow [Laughter]
00:45:39
I start feeling bad my mom watches every episode so I love you Mom we do love it
00:45:44
we love her so much hi Miss Jones but what would really be something off that's off limits um
00:45:50
I guess I don't would it be okay to be like I guess I couldn't say I wouldn't note
00:46:00
yeah yeah yours maybe what about what about no Daniel stuff I wouldn't care about no that's you yeah well he's a
00:46:06
comic so that's yeah that's different he's a comic yeah so I feel like you don't have any not really all right
00:46:12
Moe's give us some love and then we'll cap off and finish another minute or two after I love y'all man thank you guys so much we love you thanks for coming we'll
00:46:19
make sure we'll we'll uh it's not a league baby roast battle League babe buy a tour Fire tour guys is the world's
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leading travel experience Marketplace I'm so excited because I used it for Andrew he got me for his birthday okay
00:46:34
so what do they do if you're wondering what it is they offer everything simple tours to Extreme Adventures and all the niche interesting stuff in between they
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put the critical combination of extensive options ease of selection and flexibility your fingertips to help ensure that your time is wonderfully
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spent and this guy got me an experience the Napa and Sonoma wine country full day tour from San Francisco how was it
00:46:52
it was actually very fun I went up there to San Francisco and I honestly I thought I was gonna hate it yeah because
00:46:57
I I was like this was a Bobby thing he's gonna it's gonna be fake and stupid and it wasn't it was incredible and fun and
00:47:04
immersive and boy oh boy do I like my Chardonnay that's why I love Viator via
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tour is the world's leading travel experience Marketplace guys they offer everything from simple tours to Extreme
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Adventures all Niche interesting stuff in between yeah and let me tell you something about this you you think they
00:47:22
don't have anything there for me yeah they do they have it they have it they have it get on the website and find out
00:47:28
what's going on that's why we love Viator all right they are the world leading travel experience Marketplace and I got to tell you they have simple
00:47:34
stuff right you can do something very easy like sightseeing yeah or you can do a town do sightseeing you can do something very complex right you want to
00:47:40
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experiences you'll remember do more with Viator can I propose something okay
00:48:07
okay will you let me know please what is it it's it's already what is it
00:48:13
what is it relax no what is it will will you let me chaperone you on a date
00:48:20
can I be there while you're on a date dude my moves are already pure my moves are pure dude okay let me
00:48:27
propose something else I have a system down would it be chill yeah yeah if you told me where the date
00:48:33
was and I did like a private investigator like watch you from afar but you can never show yourself I swear
00:48:38
to God I will not I swear to God I swear to God but yeah when you go back to your house or whatever yeah and or you go
00:48:43
back to her place or a hotel or wherever you guys go yeah I have to be able to have access to see it so you have to like leave a blind open or like
00:48:50
how about this huh I'll do that yeah if we do a thing like
00:48:55
um Don rickle what Frank Sinatra did with Don Rickles love yeah I mean it's like one of those things where um I Heard
00:49:02
DiCaprio does that where he'll just go up the table and like if somebody's on a date this guy's a great guy he's like
00:49:07
one of the best like make me look good do you know this story no Don Rickles or Frank Sinatra apparently Frank Don
00:49:13
Rickles went up to Sinatra and was like hey I'm on a date with this pretty girl I want you to come they find themselves at the same restaurant yeah right
00:49:18
because she goes oh my God there's Frank Sinatra and he goes oh I know him right and he goes to the table and what does
00:49:24
he say go ahead no no he says to Frank I want you to come over and introduce yourself to this girl that I'm dating
00:49:29
suppressor Frank's like all right and he Frank Don goson sit down and then
00:49:35
moments later Sinatra comes walking over and in the middle of the you know middle of the meal Frank's like hey just want
00:49:41
to say hi Don it's like one of the best guys and Don Rickles looked up and he's like I'm eating can't you say I'm eating a meal on a date with a girl
00:49:48
so great it's great so you guys do that but we can't do that if the girl knows who I am through you so no but it's so
00:49:54
weird the some of the girls I'm dating they don't know who you are great that's great so you don't know they don't know they know vaguely that I'm a comedian
00:50:01
okay good let's make sure to keep it away from a girl who doesn't know your karma who doesn't know the show no they know I'm a comedian right but they just
00:50:06
don't know the familiarities of like who I asked them I go do you know who Burke Chrysler guy I don't know um if the girl
00:50:12
doesn't know our podcast yeah then I'll play that game with you but what's the game because it can't be that what do
00:50:17
you mean I want a different scenario I don't want to can you see I'm eating uh well how about this yeah how about this
00:50:23
yeah yeah how about this yeah uh we find out where you're eating she doesn't know who I am yeah we talk we
00:50:29
call the restaurant you know we've pulled in a favor and let me serve you guys for the night I will 100 do that there's no way why I
00:50:38
don't want that I won't [ __ ] it up I want it to be in and out you want to go to In-N-Out burger no I want you to Nabi
00:50:45
not I don't want you to be you no I'll be a character when I'm serving you guys but I want you to have a suit this is better
00:50:51
you're a suit like a agent bigger Wall Street no like in the business I
00:50:58
produced you produce movies so I'm a producer and I wear a suit none of them you come to the table Yeah and go and
00:51:05
you say something very like complimentary so I'm eating let's say let's just act it out okay all right
00:51:11
are you enjoying your Smorgasburg yes these are great so much Morgan yeah it's
00:51:17
such a good stroke enough here at this restaurant what is that stroganoff is
00:51:22
that right it's like a meaty noodly yeah excuse me I don't mean to interrupt
00:51:28
how good is this stroganoff at this place oh it's really good yeah all right have a good night that's not what I want oh no that's absolutely okay that's
00:51:36
absolutely okay hold on yeah yeah excuse me I don't mean to interrupt you guys I'm sorry yes wow you have beautiful
00:51:42
eyes oh thank you what wow that's your reaction sorry I'm a big you're gonna do
00:51:49
something about it I'm not a big producer in Hollywood oh you are what do you have your produced Narnia blah blah
00:51:55
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah yeah just I mean well blah
00:52:00
blah Etc that's a new no no we have a film blah blah blah coming out all right Jordan peel blah blah blah blah blah
00:52:05
blah yeah we kind of stay in line with these vague titles that he's doing we really like it yeah you know like nope and you know what I mean yeah I get it
00:52:11
yeah blah blah blah yeah uh anyway so I just wanted to tell you I I think you were such a talented actor and comedian
00:52:18
oh thank you and I just and what is that smell you're you smell so good what is
00:52:23
your name I'm juicy no wait wait wait what's my name lady pick a name
00:52:30
uh Cynthia Cynthia Cynthia I gotta be honest with
00:52:36
you I I'm sorry I I I want to get back to you but I just God you are stunning
00:52:41
beautiful are you sure you're not just smelling the stroganoff no that's this I'm smelling something
00:52:47
different I am smelling stroke yeah anyway I'm sorry I'm sorry I am an actress you are well yeah oh wow sorry
00:52:53
Cynthia what about that back to me and this is what he was talking about eating [ __ ]
00:52:59
you you made it about you again let it be about I feel like this executive is trying to get this [ __ ] though
00:53:06
I feel the energy go towards you do you Cynthia do you feel that yeah first of all he's being polite he's being stop
00:53:12
don't break the [ __ ] uh Cynthia Cynthia what's your last name uh Cynthia
00:53:20
she is she's on the Spectrum I noticed that yeah she always looked at the ceiling when she has to say something oh
00:53:26
what's your last name again Chang oh Cynthia Chang it is her name is wow I'm divorced I haven't
00:53:35
changed my name back oh Asian fetish got it I'm Asian that's all she did I like
00:53:40
it yeah so I just want to let you know I'm a huge producer in Hollywood and uh anyway we have a role for you and blah
00:53:47
blah blah you do yes but unfortunately we're gonna have to have you
00:53:52
you would have to leave the dinner right now and go to set there's a there is a the role right they're shooting right
00:53:58
now right now yeah no negotiation I don't know what am I getting paid
00:54:03
what free no oh I I mean I just assumed a guy like you would get a million
00:54:09
dollars a role amen well goodbye Cynthia you see Bob Bobby yeah [ __ ] Cynthia wait no no
00:54:17
good luck I'll give you money I go yeah yeah
00:54:24
is that your last name again yes yeah I feel like Cynthia Chang would know I would look at her go listen I'm so sorry
00:54:30
rain check I'll pay for the dinner I'm gonna do blah blah blah who's in blah blah blah
00:54:37
no who's directing Jordan's directing I would be weird Scott is the star I love him right and what am I playing Adam
00:54:43
Scott's [ __ ] toy Cynthia bye bye
00:54:51
[ __ ] don't [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah yeah okay let's how the dinner really will go you
00:54:57
know how it's gonna go you'll be on a dinner date all right and I'll walk up and I'll go excuse me try to interrupt
00:55:02
I'm a massive Hollywood producer okay that's weird to open that way but sure it is but I can say that because I'm
00:55:07
super rich and famous okay what's your name borgelson hey borgas borgelson borgelson borgol sun it's not
00:55:15
that hard borgolson correct hello thank you and I gotta tell you yeah I've been
00:55:22
wanting to work with you for so long thank you I can't get a hold of your team really I've been calling and calling and calling that's odd Borg
00:55:28
Olsen why would it be that's weird I mean Mark Olson
00:55:35
okay but I try to get a hold of your team and for some reason I'm sorry I cannot get a hold of them okay so I want
00:55:40
you to be a part of this thing with me Randall I just I need you in it Randall wait what
00:55:46
what yeah Randall do you go by Randy you're not oh excuse me I'm sorry sorry
00:55:52
Cynthia yeah it's sir I'm sorry what's no I'm sorry no it's it's a common mistake
00:55:58
I think you think I'm Randall Park you're not Randall Park no oh my God
00:56:04
wait okay you're not Randall Park
00:56:10
wait you think I'm Randall parks in there I thought yeah I'm Bobby Lee oh
00:56:16
gross oh hot dog
00:56:23
yeah yeah you don't know my skill set oh hot dog guy by the way yeah yeah
00:56:29
her mistaking you as well fantastic juicy let me just do this I'm serious
00:56:36
let me talk to a restaurant we'll shoot it and and we won't do anything rude or [ __ ] up but let me be a server and
00:56:43
you'll never reveal that this is a shot and then we will have the error at one point so that's the tower this is a prank that's it's not really a prank
00:56:49
there is no joke because she'll definitely not know me let me go up and get your autograph so good can we do
00:56:55
this please okay please okay it'll be so much [ __ ] fun it's gonna backfire I
00:57:01
just I can feel it but let's do it in what regard like she's because if if I'm on a date
00:57:07
and I don't know and characters come up right and I'm like oh cool it sounds fun
00:57:12
I know that's fine right and I and no one tells me yeah right and then a month
00:57:18
later I'm on I see it online check it out we're never gonna make her look bad never ever I'm never gonna say anything
00:57:24
negative towards her it's just gonna be goofy funny stuff to see how she reacts and by the way this is a testament to
00:57:30
how cool she is as a chick if she's down with you and knows you're gonna be a comedian for the rest of your [ __ ] life you're gonna be surrounded by weird
00:57:36
strange people can I tell her afterwards that night of course you can never tell her hahaha
00:57:43
she has to see it herself you have to see herself no no you can of course you can tell her afterwards but I mean it would be so fun to see how she reacts if
00:57:50
a server comes up and starts rattling off [ __ ] and then a fan comes up you know what I mean then we can even get
00:57:55
okay let's do it you down I want to do it yes you'll hide your cameras yeah and so it had to be they're gonna shoot it
00:58:01
on iPhones and we're gonna have my and I'm gonna be miked up and we'll put a mic at the table I'll be miked you need to be my team
00:58:09
we'll have the mic at the table for her hidden camera we can we can we can do it we can do it we can do it we can do it we can do it oh my God it's got foreign
00:58:16
thank you for all those tips you gave me honey oh that's good too
00:58:22
cast the characters right and by the way at the end of it all if she's like [ __ ] this I didn't like that we don't have to
00:58:28
air it yeah but then she's done with me okay that's fine that's the price I'm willing to pay that's right okay that's
00:58:34
right Cynthia Chang right by the way if she's not cool enough to go along with something so so like monotonous how is
00:58:40
she gonna date a [ __ ] are you because do you know who you are I know but if there's a camera I'm Gonna Be Acting
00:58:46
don't act no I would have to say funny things we'll do it then yeah yeah but I mean that's your nature you're gonna say
00:58:51
funny things on a date with her anyway do you are you not funny on dates yeah I don't lie but if there's a camera I'd
00:58:56
say ridiculous things like yeah I do naked sex skydiving in the weekends and and what would she say she'd say well I
00:59:02
want to go home I don't like that I go no we're going now Scott having naked yeah strap me up
00:59:09
you put on a strap on it she puts on a strap-on [ __ ] you yeah that's tandem wait a minute are you not funny on dates
00:59:17
you're not like sweet you're cute yeah like what does that mean like give me like I'll do twitches
00:59:23
what what does that mean yeah like I I do things to make me seem
00:59:29
eccentric eccentric eccentric okay yeah eccentric second Centric eccentric
00:59:35
eccentric borgelsenberg so wait a minute what do you do you do things to do what
00:59:41
do you say I'll go like we have a different definition of what
00:59:47
cute is yeah and then they'll go what is that I have twitches is that what you really did yeah like
00:59:55
that I do another thing where I'll step away from the table Yeah like she'll say something and I'll think it's shocking
01:00:00
and I'll walk away if she's like uh she'll say something like I don't know much about the Beatles and I'll go oh
01:00:07
and I'll walk away and I'll do like a little shake you know come back and come back that's actually kind of funny
01:00:13
that's cute I do cute things like that right how about when it comes to time to pay the bill oh I I tell them beforehand
01:00:18
that you'll never pay really oh yeah see I think you should slide them the bill and see what they do
01:00:24
no no no no no no no I think see that's I think that's fun I don't know that's not cute you slide in the bill and then
01:00:29
you go oh really I think it's funny just to see how they react yeah or you know what you
01:00:36
should do is you go pull out a card and go do you wanna do and then they'll think you're gonna split it you're like do you want to go one quarter oh my God
01:00:42
the dread of it one quarter me what three quarters you yeah like because you did eat a lot more but then I would have to go all the way then so I'll go like
01:00:48
this and go ah you get this right and I know I picked you up but you found your right right home
01:00:54
oh you got your own right home what do you think that you know you should ask I dare you to ask me like can I have five bucks for gas
01:01:00
gas has gotten out of control just throw me a throw me a five five yes please yeah it's not that big of a deal okay
01:01:05
well you know what you should or how about this are you sure God I would love to do all this stuff if I was the server yeah
01:01:10
like like uh if the server has no I would have no idea who you are I'm not a fan yeah because I don't want to do a
01:01:16
fan thing I'm just being that annoying server I'm like can I get you guys something to drink and then she does the girl get a drink when she's on a date
01:01:21
with you yeah I let them I explained them I don't it doesn't freak me out if you want to drink and drink it does
01:01:27
right you don't right I want to make them you know feel comfortable so I would say ma'am are you what would you like what kind of drink would you like
01:01:33
I'll have a whiskey on the rocks oh whiskey one I'll make it a double a double um can I also get a Long Island
01:01:38
iced tea yeah two drinks at once yeah sounds good I like to chase the whiskey down smart uh sir to drink diet coke oh
01:01:47
do you not want anything to drink no are you sober yes oh you are yeah you gotta get rid of this sober [ __ ] loser I'll
01:01:54
be right back I'll be right back how about if I have a contract what is it I go
01:02:01
um in the middle of the dinner I go oh by the way I forgot to do this in the beginning I have a contract like an NDA
01:02:06
I pulled it out that's so funny and it's got weird [ __ ] on it but you know what it has to be it has to be like a scroll yeah it's like a school yeah like a Dead
01:02:14
Sea scroll yeah it looks old yeah can you get old paper Papyrus yeah yeah
01:02:21
I've shown thousands of women you've got to have one of those things you know how you wrote the roller thing yeah yeah and
01:02:27
just go just just sign anywhere right so I have to uh right and it's got to be in like like it's feather pen feather pen
01:02:33
you have a but it's it's like something like blood writing Yeah it's red it's red red yeah right and you're like don't
01:02:38
worry it's my boy but it's old to whom it may concern no just sign your name no no it's got to have all the things on it
01:02:44
though yeah oh well it's gonna say yeah what it's gonna say I can no longer I cannot I can never again speak of this
01:02:50
incident uh for the rest of my life for the rest of my natural born my natural born alive so they can't talk about you
01:02:56
ever again right you have to do the um ancient Moon ritual Korean style oh yeah
01:03:03
on the 23rd of every month and then she has to ask me about that probably that's good and also you should
01:03:09
get one of those thumb print things like get a little ink for make her put a thumbprint on there what are those people that the notary guy that's what a
01:03:16
notary yeah yeah we have to have a notary guy there that's great right you played an older guy oh I have a notary guy right and he
01:03:23
you do the thumb thing right your thumb this is good this is good right this is really really good right the third line
01:03:29
is um what the third line of the contract yeah is yeah you have to you
01:03:35
well you have to have it's Gotta Be You have to have sex about something like that yeah that's [ __ ] up yeah we can't
01:03:40
even make them sign yes to having sex with you right yeah that seems bad how about in parentheses optional
01:03:46
uh I might I might have said Check Yes for might have sex yeah yeah yeah you might have and then have a yes and no
01:03:52
thing correct oh oh no like and it just says do um would you want to ever have sex with
01:03:58
me Circle one yes or no do you wanna bang bang do you wanna bang Bang Yeah yeah yes or no yes or no yeah yeah and
01:04:04
she's sorry oh parenthesis is optional they're no no it's either yes or no okay or maybe or maybe or maybe or maybe or
01:04:11
probably right you know you know what it should be the scale of one to five how to do um strongly disagree strongly
01:04:16
agree can I bring my trumpet we gotta shoot this
01:04:22
Scottish I have a buddy yeah who has a place yeah
01:04:29
a restaurant where they have like a private room one of those like you know like uh
01:04:34
and it's perfect we can put in the private room because you'll tell her it's special but this way she won't be embarrassed because it won't be in front of other people right and then we need a
01:04:41
dwarf I'm gonna call Brad Williams right now yeah yeah no you know what what let's get Brad Williams a red wig to look like
01:04:48
me and then in one scene I'll go oh I forgot your green beans and then I leave and he brings back the green beans
01:04:53
wearing the exact same thing I'm wearing right and we don't talk about it I come in sometimes he comes in sometimes
01:04:59
that's awesome so we have to establish your name first so I can call them the same thing right yeah yeah no you'll go
01:05:04
when out like I'll say my name's uh Jing Jing my name is Jing yeah yeah and then I drop stuff off and you go you'll
01:05:09
deliberately go uh say your name and go oh Jing sorry I should have enjoyed right and then when he comes in go sorry uh say your name again Brad comes
01:05:17
in and he goes Jing I should already know you just call him Jing natural yeah yeah yeah got it to confuse her you
01:05:23
would just go are you the same waiter you probably wouldn't remember the waiter's name okay whatever
01:05:30
I'll figure that out later yeah we're doing this okay you gotta find a girl who has no idea about the podcast doesn't really like the comedy world and
01:05:37
we gotta do it okay and I'll call up my buddy we'll put fancy to work okay we'll do it I'm so excited I'm so
01:05:44
excited too but I'm also a little nervous for you why just because I don't I know it's going
01:05:49
to be different for you it's going to be hard no if it's for the cameras and for a bit I'll do it that's right because if
01:05:55
it's not it's even hard that's weird I would never do it for if it's not recorded well can I just say I did something the other night and I feel so
01:06:00
bad about it yes I love it I feel so bad and I don't I think he's mad at me so Jeremiah Watkins was on before me in
01:06:07
the OR and he had a camera set up right and while he was on stage I just
01:06:13
stood in from the camera what back or face Freddy I just stared
01:06:19
at it you stared into the in the lens and at one point I moved it for a while it's facing the wall very funny and then
01:06:26
what he says good night I put it back in place and then I went up on stage and I
01:06:31
can I call him yes yeah let's see if he knows knows what happened all right has he reviewed the tape you
01:06:37
know Jeremiah's reviewed it the moment he got out yeah and all the doorman everyone was
01:06:43
laughing why do you think he's mad he didn't say anything to you yet did he text you no well then how would
01:06:48
you know he's [ __ ] upset I mean I think my get my money is on he's bummed yeah yeah the other night
01:06:55
when you were recording do you see the tape yeah you messed my freaking footage
01:07:01
are you mad I'm not thrilled about it dude really trying to I was trying to tape a
01:07:08
set man are you mad though I'm not I'm not thrilled with you man you're not thrilled
01:07:15
thrilled it wasn't it wasn't funny at all in any way I mean you know in a Bobby way where I'm
01:07:21
like oh so you saw me well so what did I do on the table I stared in it
01:07:28
oh yeah that's right I showed my nipples and then what else happened yeah and I was like oh
01:07:33
it's funnier than what I'm doing on stage and then I moved the camera for a bit
01:07:39
yeah is like Giant on that thing yeah this is worried like while you're moving I was like
01:07:46
to drop this camera all right right so there is a little anger
01:07:52
dude you know I have a dormant anger within me yes yeah yeah okay well um
01:08:03
oh I'm on your list I'm on your list interesting interesting
01:08:10
interesting how about this pal I'll double down anytime
01:08:21
you set up a camera at The Comedy Store they'll be mischief
01:08:26
what if I'm trying to get a freaking tape dude you don't need tape man you should submit that one with Bobby
01:08:33
okay so I dare you freaking what dude set up a camera set
01:08:41
up a camera [Music] all right I I dare you set up a camera
01:08:49
you're not gonna see a set I'll tell you that right now
01:08:58
oh obviously that's crazy
01:09:06
because he was butt hurt he was upset and it was funny it was funny yeah
01:09:12
because if it's I could see if he was doing like you know a late night spot
01:09:17
he's doing you know Jimmy Kimmel yeah and I walk in front of the camera there maybe he is I mean that'd be holy that'd
01:09:24
be hilarious that would be a song I know Jeremiah has the latest and walk
01:09:31
her in front of me can I just walk in front of the camera it would Crush by the way it would crush it would be insane it would be insane did he say he
01:09:37
was he had a set for something yeah you're always filming for uh for taping to tape yeah and he has to do it again I
01:09:43
think well yeah I'm gonna call I need to know where where his spots are
01:09:48
all you threw is you know who to call I'm gonna call I don't want to see you want to do something [Laughter]
01:09:53
please do something I just like supporting this beef between these yeah I think this is very so fun to do you
01:09:59
looked in the camera I looked right in the camera for about twenty two three minutes and I did a couple of dances so he wrote also the
01:10:06
people in the back the audience members loving it we're laughing and he thought that he was they were laughing because
01:10:11
of him crushing yes but they were really laughing because I was being really funny back there all right well we know
01:10:16
what we're doing now yeah we're setting up a fun date for you and we're continuing this war between you and Jeremiah what do you guys think I mean
01:10:22
yeah I think we're in I knew he was upset yeah I could tell he definitely he had that uh no no it's fine but it's not
01:10:29
fine it's not fine no I love it well let's see where this [ __ ] Watkins Lee beef goes yeah I'm excited that's a good
01:10:36
dish by the way at my local beef um I want to say this
01:10:42
to the fans before we go we're working on the tour for next year we're working very hard also we're going to probably do a couple more bad friends live at the
01:10:49
store uh before we do that we're figuring out dates and all that stuff so
01:10:54
in the meantime we love you we've also got uh Christmas merch coming up holiday merch is going to be coming very soon
01:11:01
let's uh say goodbye at the same time thank you for being a bad friend
01:11:07
laughs [Music]
