00:00:00
hey hey um i got some dates coming up i'm filming my special in denver september
00:00:05
24th also i'm gonna be in salt lake city uh september nine and ten then i'm doing
00:00:10
bray on the 13th i'm doing minneapolis and madison wisconsin 1617 then september 24th i'll be in denver filming
00:00:17
my special the paramount theater go to andrewsantina.com for those tickets andrew santino.com for those tickets you
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two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude you two are
00:00:30
disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends hey
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happy birthday happy birthday to jewels happy birthday to jules
00:00:41
you're back in the studio happy birthday birthday birthday hey did you all welcome back i heard you guys got
00:00:47
another dog i didn't get it well you're there it's your house yeah it's just like it just shows up like the
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cones from my trees in the back cones yeah like i have pine cones in the trees and they fall right they just show up
00:01:01
the owl that hangs out in the pine cone tree right he just should be showing up dog
00:01:07
all day every day without no no invites brad and that's why that's why this dog no invite nothing all of us in this cujo
00:01:15
in my [ __ ] house right i can't go into certain rooms right and then these [ __ ]
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sorry before my legs oh it's fine yeah yeah these [ __ ] these [ __ ] right are like you don't you know they
00:01:27
go don't you know touch it or say hi to her or look because you know people they don't like you
00:01:33
history shows mm-hmm but when you put up that country shows what with koreans or him no because we've uh um fostered
00:01:40
other pit bulls and every one of them growled at the two bobby well maybe it's the dog maybe it's the breeded dog and
00:01:45
not tito bobby exactly my breed is pure he is pure breeze i'm pure breeze pure blood fat pure bread
00:01:51
yeah i'm pure bread you're a pure broth that's blood i know but pure broth did
00:01:56
you have to do that accident well because it's pretty good you're pure i'm pure you are pure
00:02:02
is wrong no but his energy is wrong no it's not really let me say something right now okay i'm sorry am i bad all
00:02:09
right let me just can i may i i mean yeah what do you say where was this pit bull for the last 10 years
00:02:15
in the crate in a in a in a in a cage yeah right
00:02:20
no human contact where guatemala why guatemala i don't know i think yeah
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yeah my instinct said guatemala too yeah my instincts said that two dogs we're connected dude so we're on about where
00:02:31
in guatemala what's in guatemala was it um um in no
00:02:36
pisco oh no episcopal no episcopal guatemala that's gotta be the one of the toughest parts of guadalajara i've ever heard of yeah yeah you know what they do
00:02:42
down there what no you don't seriously they pull your toenails off one by one if you don't pay your bills
00:02:49
and then in the streets they make you get naked and you sing a crazy song i don't have monies i don't have money and
00:02:55
then they clap at you and they spit on you and that's how that it's crazy and then they close with chick-fil-a
00:03:00
chick-fil-a right it's not i hate it
00:03:06
in tijuana that's all they sell is chicklet yeah chicklets you know what i mean there's no flavor
00:03:14
yeah anyway bobby and i both been to guatemala we love it toured comedy down there yes there's a bunch of good goods
00:03:19
there's actually a couple of good clubs down there so this this dog has been like imprisoned for 10 years gets out
00:03:25
growls at me a christian a god-fearing a god-fearing christian
00:03:30
with a foundation of glory right and you're saying that i'm the wrong one yeah yeah because dogs can sense bad
00:03:37
vibes so maybe you have something in you oh yeah you know what [ __ ] you
00:03:43
yeah yeah he's got good vibes maybe your dog has bad vibes like why doesn't he growl at me or at the client because
00:03:50
i'll tell you why because evil knows evil boom boom right boom if hannibal lecter
00:03:57
right and [ __ ] buffalo bill are together they're having a great time
00:04:03
they know each other very there's no well work no one's going to go go in the well right but they do that to the good
00:04:09
people that's right right so i'm the good one in this storybook so you guys are evil you're the little the triangle
00:04:14
the pentagon pentathogram what is that called what pentagram the pentagram
00:04:20
pentanogram you're the pentathogram yeah yeah but you're the pentanogram of evil yes you are the axis of evil you
00:04:27
kalila and the pup yeah and you know what yeah we're done i'm done with the two we're
00:04:33
done kalila is nazi germany that's right you're mussolini in italy right and the
00:04:38
dog is [ __ ] japan yep that's what it feels like to the entire country of japan yeah not like now not back then
00:04:44
right now japan now or in japan yeah yeah you're japan 2022. so what i'm saying is is that you right know
00:04:51
right that i'm pure blooded and my heart is good that's right and the dog is evil correct
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okay okay yeah yeah right yeah what's the dog's name um it's bucky
00:05:04
yeah okay i kind of like it why just bucky's a nice name for a dog it's a good name
00:05:10
yeah i guess so come here bucky yeah isn't that isn't that captain america's buddy yes uh winter soldier winter
00:05:16
social bucky right yeah yeah i like it i like that character wait the winner soldier yeah his name bucky no his
00:05:22
friend oh his buddy yeah yeah because i know winter soldier i know sebastian stan was there so was there a summer
00:05:27
soldier no i mean they should have both soldiers right they should do both the next captain
00:05:33
america should be summer soldier you know spring soldier is gay hey
00:05:39
you know what time of the year it is my shield is so shiny
00:05:44
spring soldier such bright colors beautiful yeah winter soldier though yeah what does summer
00:05:51
soldier look like summer soldier is um they're wearing what they do in um that it's got to be like a bro summer
00:05:57
soldier's got to be like there's no armor it's just all in white you know what i mean it's like that one movie that is before labor day was that
00:06:04
one movie with a the um the guy that did the hereditary uh mid-summer mid-summer oh yeah that's a summer soldier yeah
00:06:10
right yeah yeah who's the fall soldier the fall soldier
00:06:15
it's leaves it's dark it's ominous rainy cold yeah
00:06:21
idris alba why i don't know and i think you're trying to corner me
00:06:26
just do something racism but i just it just kind of i'm coordinating like guatemala like i know
00:06:31
we're wearing you right now what about the fall is so dark
00:06:36
[Laughter] by the way idris elbow flawed could do
00:06:42
any [ __ ] can do whatever he wants so he can be the fall soldier he's the falsehood because you know what idris silva does make me think about um
00:06:47
cuddling up and feeling warm i i agree with you uh look up idris ilba in a turtleneck
00:06:53
watch this yeah watch this [ __ ] boom
00:06:59
tell me that's not the fall soldier that's the false soldier for sure and that's why i said it's a false soldier right but i feel and you questioned me when i
00:07:06
said cuddling up and keeping warm and that's exactly what i thought about but when you said that though i just imagined like if he's spooning me
00:07:13
and it gets too hot and i want to scoot away i feel like he won't he's too strong he's like no look at his arms no
00:07:20
mate he's got no mate no mate i'm like i can't scoot out i'm sweating closer then falsely i'm
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sweating closer [Laughter] yeah look at then [ __ ] hot this guy that guy is so [ __ ] happy i find him hot really hard
00:07:33
oh god but have you ever made let me let's let's get to the facts why let's get to the fact what the fact
00:07:39
i'm a factual this show is about facts it's about facts not a black guy in there because i'm still
00:07:47
trying to find them what do you mean you've never seen them they're everywhere they're everywhere but they
00:07:53
don't they don't like me interesting yeah it's what you give out yeah it's your vibe but i thought black
00:08:00
men like asians they do they do not your comments yeah you're kind of bad you're bad yuck
00:08:06
gross you're bad although tiger woods mom was that type
00:08:13
yeah that's true is that true yeah i'm just trying to get through the facts here yeah yeah the woods that looks like
00:08:18
a part of your family her name was katilda yeah that's kind of a cool name yes the
00:08:24
black dudes do like that type of asian i guess they do they do yeah uh i've never seen a black guy with like
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a porcelain skin korean girl no yeah no no i haven't actually i think
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what would happen is if they made love to him they would just implode maybe you think they don't just have because they're so
00:08:42
bony right whoa what korean girls no no is that rudy
00:08:48
yeah rudy that's rudy that's you for sure in a couple 30 years from now yeah that's rude that's you for sure
00:08:54
my god dude that is you look at that well then maybe we should get you to
00:09:00
date a black guy are you still with your guy yeah yeah he's out of town he's out of town though oh so you're free
00:09:05
wow who do we know that she could date well she's in a committed relationship with now i know but if a good black guy
00:09:12
comes along we'll have to sneak out of it oh right well we know some she said that you know what i would like willy
00:09:17
willy hunter willie hunter oh okay he's nice yeah he's nice yeah yeah willie hunter
00:09:23
yeah um here you go smart what do you think smart cool dude works a lot if you're on it look at look at this one
00:09:31
look you like him yeah okay all right but if you're on a date with a black guy um careful do you have to like
00:09:38
no tread softly like um like zero like keep going go ahead if
00:09:45
you're okay with a black eye do you have to what like no they're like um
00:09:51
commit to it like they're what is this yo-yo yeah house
00:09:57
party thing you're doing oh that's what i think what are you kidding play what the [ __ ] are you doing here have you ever had any
00:10:04
black friends no that's the problem can we start there we go let's start there let's get you a
00:10:09
black yeah we got to get you a black friend you understand that obviously not every black person is going to what is this thing you think they're going to do
00:10:16
like they're just gonna say something why do you keep doing this with your hands yeah yeah i don't know yeah and
00:10:22
then i don't i won't understand it and they'll think i'm not cool yeah yeah what would you understand they're
00:10:28
speaking your language you're both speaking english because of that oh the hand stuff yeah you think they're
00:10:33
speaking a language you're not like yo and then you're like
00:10:39
yo black side you know and you're like what
00:10:44
you know
00:10:49
is that what you think is going to happen and then there's some hand gesture that you're going to have to like read like their sign language
00:10:55
they're not they're just expressive okay uh and not all of them they're all very different they're all different just
00:11:00
like all filipinos are different all koreans are different well that's not true all all koreans are kind of the same
00:11:06
it's funny you say that the more koreans i meet the more i go these guys are all identical last night i i shot with my
00:11:12
dumbfounded i'm doing this movie and we he goes let's go to cafe blue which is like a korean bar
00:11:18
so i went there with them and it looked like i was in the house of mirrors i sort of got i look at house of mirrors
00:11:24
that are [ __ ] you know i mean fairgrounds like it was like oh there's a fat version of me little version of me
00:11:29
there's me wiggling with me i saw wiggling me last night you did yeah yeah yeah yeah
00:11:35
dude that movie is stacked you sent me a picture it was like
00:11:41
10 people i know in that [ __ ] you should be in it it's amazing you should have been in it
00:11:46
and it's it's your buddy who's sober wrote it yeah what's it about did you tell sobriety
00:11:52
but so it's about sobriety yeah well i'm not sober so that's not not dude everyone's smoking weed what are you talking about on set oh really i
00:11:59
mean they're high but is stevo in it no i thought you said steve johnny go knoxville oh knoxville's
00:12:05
in it yeah johnny is the lead okay so johnny knoxville you my boy from dave dude by the way i have to apologize to
00:12:11
him but all right so why would happen i'll do it later no do it right now um you know how sometimes i don't know
00:12:16
how to read a situation oh yeah yeah and so you know how sometimes i get kind of gay uh-huh yeah he's not the right guy
00:12:23
to do that that's right yeah yeah i [ __ ] it up yeah yeah i just i've been saying [ __ ] like man you're a skinny
00:12:29
tall guy man your dick must be so long and gorgeous oh yeah exactly and he just it's almost as if he
00:12:34
ran over somebody like he's like trying to process it and he's just kind of like did i you
00:12:40
know i mean like it's not good yeah don't say that to him you know i keep going like yeah i'd like to ride you you
00:12:46
know something like you know or something like you know what this is a good time to call data yeah yeah yeah yeah i should call him right now and tell him you want to apologize
00:12:53
i'm not going to apologize for me being me i'm just saying that next time
00:13:00
you're uh yo you're on my podcast with me and bobby lee bobby wants to say what's up what's up gabe oh yeah what up
00:13:05
bobby lee what's the deal yo dude so um yesterday did you think i was being a little too gay in front of you or no
00:13:11
were you weirded out by that [ __ ] you are the asian david bird bro you're like [ __ ] the asian little dicky so
00:13:17
you're like an asian little dick
00:13:26
thank you so much for giving me the green light all right g see all is good now and then
00:13:32
g you got to do me a favor um so rudy who's on our show is a little a filipino girl she's 20 years old she's
00:13:39
in the dating scene and she's never dated a black dude and she's afraid that they won't like her she needs a
00:13:44
boost of confidence from you oh yeah come on man you know black guys man we like everything we real humble
00:13:50
you know what i'm saying down the earth you know what i'm saying different flavors any any tips of persuasion hey
00:13:56
remember that you've got the asian persuader you have the asian persuasion yeah but she doesn't have a bubbly butt it's like more bony she's very bony hey
00:14:04
it ain't about the body man it's about your knowledge man it's about your personality you know what i'm saying she
00:14:09
doesn't have personality either no no personality kind of a problem yeah that's a problem
00:14:16
[Laughter] [Music]
00:14:23
do you understand that no all right yo i love you bro i'll talk to you soon
00:14:29
love you buddy see you monday peace he's the best he's a good dude so he's
00:14:35
in it um mo amber's in it oh yeah i know mo yeah great guy yeah yeah great guy um
00:14:42
there's this oh dude there's this [ __ ] kid in it man his name is [ __ ] adam faison he's like
00:14:47
a [ __ ] prodigy actor adam faizon a prodigy actor this gentleman right here
00:14:52
yeah wonderful dude this kid is a [ __ ] prodigy in what term what do you mean it's just
00:14:58
like you know how like we're all you know theo's bonds in it so we're all sitting around me the uh you know i mean theo
00:15:05
will say lines when it's not even his turn to speak that sounds right yeah yeah yeah everyone's [ __ ] around
00:15:10
everyone's like what is that like this dude is in the corner getting into the character so he's a
00:15:16
real actor yeah and he walks on and he has tears in his eyes and he's being so real
00:15:21
and everyone's just going oh [ __ ] we should fire this guy he's obviously been trained yeah he's a trained dude can we
00:15:26
see his uh does he have like a bio or something like that he's new man he's new so he's a [ __ ] product hasn't done anything
00:15:32
he's a [ __ ] prodigy dude well shout out to adam adam faison he's from poway is he really yeah
00:15:41
alumni page no you better believe he's not there's only one guy so anyway the movie is uh what's it
00:15:48
called sweet dreams i'm made of these
00:15:53
[Music] i'll give you a thousand dollars tell me
00:15:59
who wrote that no seven seas everybody come on looking maybe they do
00:16:05
say doing a filipino accent maybe she'll know it looking possible
00:16:16
by the way pete's still bobbing his head he likes he likes both versions international and he's going to be a
00:16:22
thousand dollars if you can guess who that is a thousand dollars is there another clue wait there's another so let's do another um
00:16:28
there's a bunch of different versions of that song by the way you could have named anybody that did that song that song's been sung by multiple different
00:16:33
bands covered i should say what's another option don't don't type it in don't touch it
00:16:39
what are you typing it in for he almost typed it up yeah yeah well i'm gonna try to figure out another song
00:16:44
that they say well it's not she's never gonna know yeah i think so if she knows a song that like here we go there's
00:16:49
another one you know that song though don't you love is a stranger in the
00:16:55
world i don't know what can we do an album i'm serious can
00:17:02
we do a bathroom [Music]
00:17:09
why is it an asian accent for you to understand it it's for you it's for you what are you talking about i'm catering
00:17:14
it for you sorry yeah yeah sorry tj bobby is doing you a favor you're right you're awfully
00:17:21
selfish buddy yeah you bring in a new dog yeah you don't like when he's helping you we we're trying to get you black dates yeah we're doing everything
00:17:28
for you on this show when is the dog going to leave when is the dog what the dog what is the dog going to leave by the way the dog is a metaphor for you
00:17:34
why are you going to leave what are you going to leave huh um the dog is going to leave at the end
00:17:42
of the month uh what about you i don't know yet yeah okay that's it yeah that's she's never gonna move out
00:17:48
you know she's living there for the rest of time yeah um i i'm not giving you guys pressure to leave
00:17:54
well her specifically for sure yeah i'm seeing you to leave you need to leave why yeah because we've had enough we've
00:17:59
had enough we never see each other in the house it doesn't matter it doesn't matter he smells you yeah and can i just
00:18:05
say this too just off the record right um in the philippines when you cook a
00:18:10
cookie do you cook it to the point where it's just black charcoal
00:18:16
um sometimes because we like it now be honest what the [ __ ] is going on with your cookies i don't know i followed the
00:18:22
instructions it said 15 minutes and then after 15 minutes it was burned right so then i told you
00:18:29
to [ __ ] do another batch yeah and it wasn't burnt it was burnt no all right it was burnt so what about
00:18:35
this right when you set it for 15 and then at eight minutes check up on it check it out just to see
00:18:43
okay all right my favorite thing is bobby one off the record we're filming on eight cameras with two microphones
00:18:49
off the record off the record by the way burning cookies
00:18:55
is almost impossible everybody looks good because every once because you want it fast yeah yeah so
00:19:02
you look at three minutes you look at five you look at eight and then you know it's about right
00:19:07
it was still good no way it wasn't but nobody wants burnt cookies but i tasted
00:19:12
it no you could eat the top part i ate the burnt part it's still good no yeah
00:19:19
nobody wants to burn cookies yeah there's like a scale there was a scale that somebody put up a burnt cookie scale
00:19:24
you know what i mean like one it was like a one to ten thing somebody put up on twitter and and the amount of people
00:19:30
that liked it closer to burnt made me sick like people like dude people like burned cookies bob
00:19:37
they do people are crazy i like burt rice different story yeah
00:19:42
crispy rice is my favorite i don't know where i don't know who put it up maybe it was like a rex chapman tweet or
00:19:47
whatever but if you just regular google just regular google burnt cookie scale but dude
00:19:53
so many people wanted it closer to burnt and i was like no i want it soft i i'll always take a soft cookie
00:19:59
i don't need a super crispy ever yeah boo burnt cookies
00:20:05
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00:22:34
well there you go this is okay we'll use this as well so 10 is where just
00:22:40
based on this 10 is where her cookie level is i imagine right right all right so that's 10. okay what's
00:22:46
perfect for you out of that scale out of one to ten rudy tell me what's perfect for cookie insane insane off your [ __ ] head lady
00:22:54
yeah yeah eight is burnt it's bummed out [ __ ] i like it five five is perfect five
00:22:59
is perfect f if it had a five and a half five and a half would be the number yeah five right between five and six
00:23:05
eight to eight look at what night look what his brother nine looks like yeah look at his next-door name look at nine
00:23:10
if there was like a if there was house fires spreading through people's homes and your house was eight and your
00:23:16
neighbor's nine you're [ __ ] you know what nine and ten look like together uh oh what i just waiting for whatever
00:23:22
you're going to say gate is nutsacks i was right you were by the way if you
00:23:28
turn it sideways yeah the left one is long is hanging lower than the right one yeah which of your balls hangs lower
00:23:34
oh [ __ ] i'll tell you why i don't know are they the sames are they are you apparently no no i'll tell you why i
00:23:40
don't know why i don't know if i have balls bob yeah i don't know if i have them
00:23:46
there are they hidden it's just there's no like you know when you look in the mirror like first of all my sacks
00:23:53
are so soft what do you mean sacks you have one bud oh [ __ ] i have two
00:23:58
what the [ __ ] i maybe that's the problem you have a soft sack yeah yeah i have soft sack you have a stretchy sack it's
00:24:04
not stretchy they're wrinkly but they're very soft so you don't know which ball hangs lower
00:24:09
i think most men know which nut hangs lower pete right away watch pete which ball hangs lower left left
00:24:16
right right so there's some you need to look up can i show you mine 100 all right so
00:24:21
close close your eyes because i need to see which one hangs lower you got to pull your hands away all
00:24:27
right can you yeah yeah that's okay yeah oh my god what they're literally
00:24:35
parallel i'm not kidding they're exactly at the same length yeah they're they're identical drew they're twins they're
00:24:41
twins they're [ __ ] twins they're twins like like schwarzenegger and danny devito
00:24:46
yeah no that's what yours like no mine actually might see i i want my
00:24:51
[ __ ] to be proportional you know i'm not kidding when i say this i've never seen a perfectly symmetrical
00:24:57
nut sack and you're well his balls were identical exact if there was a if i could have had a [ __ ] tape measure they would and
00:25:04
put it underneath it had been the same droop i can't measure it every day every morning that's what i do never seen the same droop yeah
00:25:10
you're a left nut yeah i'm a right nut guy you're a right nut guy yeah yeah god bless right nutters so in the this i don't know
00:25:16
about biology or the human body no this show yeah but the nut because the actual ball
00:25:22
the thing that you can feel right is that like just one large [ __ ] yes
00:25:29
are they just two large pieces of [ __ ] rock are they come rocks what i assume is this right calm rock
00:25:36
right now you're horny right right and it heats up the [ __ ] rock right and a little bit drips down correct like it's
00:25:43
like candle wax like like candle wax right same thing and then when you go to bed right it just grows
00:25:50
oh the [ __ ] rock yeah just like just by the way there's a little guy back there scooping on some more [ __ ] to on to the
00:25:55
rock oh there's a little guy there yeah yeah yeah i'll take care of that yeah and he is he a dwarf of course yeah
00:26:01
oh because yeah he's hot back there yeah i got to put some more yeah
00:26:07
this guy goes look i was right it's a come rock and see there's the guy you can see it right there yeah
00:26:12
look at the little blue oh that's great does it mean anything carlos when one ball is lower than the other i mean is
00:26:18
there a parallel nut sack thing that we can because i'm super curious by the way this what's that they said in most people's
00:26:24
balls either one will hang they're never they're almost never symmetrical bobby yeah
00:26:29
i i mean this with all honesty is one of your best friends thank you this is why you're special thank you
00:26:35
you know everybody all the time is like what is it about bobby lee and you're like i know yeah now you know he's got the
00:26:41
same nuts his nuts are identical identical drew i'm about to cry right now bobby you're special and i love you
00:26:48
i'm about to cry okay let it out baby no i'm just proud of myself you should be yeah you're epididymus and you're what
00:26:54
are testicles made out of are they come rocks like bobby thinks because i think they might be the more i think about it the more i
00:26:59
think he's right yeah yeah yeah oh just oh there's there's the inner worker oh there's that there's so much
00:27:05
going on in there wow wow it's its own universe and to think
00:27:10
there's all there's this yeah right right this is another galaxy it's another galaxy all these planets are going on yeah and to think rudy you just
00:27:16
put one of these in your mouth and it's got all this stuff going on you just suck on one of these things with all these working organs well it looks like
00:27:23
a brain so i'm just eating more brains you're eating dick brains you're getting dick brain that's right yeah that's what
00:27:28
the term give me let me ask you something on the vaginal lips is there a lot going on i feel i feel like there's
00:27:33
not is there is there a droop on one side like do you do yeah yeah is like the right
00:27:38
hang a little lower or does that yeah does does the side of a lip get low okay here we go does your lip hang low does it wobble too and fro
00:27:45
i like that they point out the anus yeah yeah we might not know we know what that is some people is it a
00:27:52
beauty mark what is that i've got my name in my next kid yeah yeah bartholin
00:28:00
bartholomew's glam that's great so there's two glands underneath the vagina and it's called
00:28:05
bartholin's glands it sounds like a place in lord of the rings like you mean we can't i'll meet you in both
00:28:10
land yeah yeah don't go there that's where the spider is
00:28:18
a wetland yeah is a pair of pea-sized pea-sized glands found just behind the either side the lips are surround the
00:28:24
entrance of the vagina the glands are not usually noticeable because they're rarely larger the bartholins glands
00:28:29
secrete fluid that acts as lubricant during sex oh so we love oh we love bartholomew who's bartholome can we
00:28:35
google out who bartholomew yeah yeah yeah maybe it's named after a guy it's gotta be yeah he was bartholomew
00:28:41
from bartholomew's glam yeah do you ever heard of that rudy no you might not have bartholome's clans he
00:28:46
was the king of the land of vagina imagine wikipedia goes this guy was a
00:28:51
puss god yeah crushed thomas bartholomew desktop he looks like
00:28:56
a [ __ ] [ __ ] he looks like a [ __ ] in human form holy
00:29:02
[ __ ] i had no idea that is the guy even if i didn't know what bartholomew i got he has something
00:29:08
to do with vaginas this shoe right here that's bartholin's plan yeah that's the way let's hear it
00:29:13
let's make let's hear about him i want to learn yeah he's my new guy here all right so here zoom in a personal life
00:29:21
i love this guy thomas bartholomew yeah second of six sons to casper both olin another physician all right so here's
00:29:28
the deal bob rotholin he visited the italian botanist pietro castille in 1644
00:29:34
the place burned down his hell failed he moved back to copenhagen where he died
00:29:40
what what did he do though he published the first full description of the human lymphatic system oh he knows about lymph
00:29:45
nodes this guy's the [ __ ] man i imagine he was down on a girl and he was eating a
00:29:52
girl out right right right and he he he tasted the moist part
00:29:57
yeah like this is this area is very moist interesting interesting and he stopped the thing he
00:30:03
turned the lights on she's like what the [ __ ] are you doing yeah right let me get my microscope off yeah and then he
00:30:09
looked and he discovered like probably little holes and they looked and you know what they look like what him
00:30:16
it was two little hymns [Laughter] there i am
00:30:23
yeah this guy was incredible where was he born and raised go to the right go to the right there what does it say i
00:30:29
usually tell denmark oh yeah dude got to be a danish dude the danish are wild yeah
00:30:35
by the way that's what it looks like that's what it looks that's it yeah that's scary
00:30:40
you got two of those you got two of those in there yeah look at that look look at that look dude look at that i invented i invented you
00:30:48
know what i mean i discovered that that's the cocky a piece of me thinks this guy's never seen a vagina and he's just
00:30:54
he just guessed and god bless bartholin because now we know all about his glands it's weird to want to name yourself the
00:31:00
thing you find yeah i mean but if you think about it though would you do that what if you
00:31:06
found a cure for something would you call it what it is all right if you found the cure for for a for a cancer oh can't one of the
00:31:13
cancers [ __ ] yeah what do you call it bobby lee the bobby lee yeah give me the
00:31:19
bobby lay yeah well you i'm sorry ma'am but you have four weeks to leave what what's going on you have the bobby lee
00:31:25
oh you have the disease not the cure oh i want to i want to be the disease by the way yeah
00:31:31
you are the disease yeah i want to be yeah i'm sorry i misunderstood what you're saying i'm sorry i want to be the disease i was giving you credit i was
00:31:37
saying if you discovered a cure would you want to be no no no because no what i'm saying is that i thought you meant like did i discover the prognosis no no
00:31:44
no no all right but honestly yeah you're right you're right you are the bobby lee yeah i'm the bobby lee you have the
00:31:50
bobby what does the bobby lee do to me doctor um you're gonna liquify liquefies uranus
00:31:56
what yeah it liquefies right now how did i get this um through have you
00:32:02
[ __ ] a korean lately of course yep unprotected sex with the korean and i
00:32:08
hear right and look at me now i got yeah you have no [ __ ] right it's yeah it's water it's watery it prolapsed after i
00:32:13
had sex with her and then it fell out yeah well that's one of the things you know because he was really into the bobby lee was really into like
00:32:19
rodents oh he want he wanted women to look like have the tail great
00:32:24
yeah well thank you doctor yeah thank you dr lee this is an article this is something i
00:32:30
sent i want to get you guys take on this i sent this to carlos okay if you like a full english breakfast
00:32:38
what's an english breakfast english breakfast is eggs sausage love it or bangers bangers and
00:32:46
bangers right yeah heinz baked beans not any american
00:32:51
[ __ ] baked beans heinz baked beans have you had them before so though in that combination eggs sausage toast and
00:32:58
toast and honestly usually with bacon as well never had that before oh my god show him a picture of a full english
00:33:03
breakfast this guy's gonna lose his [ __ ] mind it's probably the thing that the brits did better than anything i think on planet earth the one thing
00:33:10
that they taste was a full english [ __ ] breakfast look at this thing look at this [ __ ] plate sliced
00:33:15
tomatoes mushrooms sausage bacon sausage patty oh that's blood sausage
00:33:22
right yeah that's blood sausage on the left a little patties that's regular sausage or bangers on the right bro that
00:33:27
looks so [ __ ] good so [ __ ] good yeah but in the middle is the secret sauce what is it that's the baked beans
00:33:32
the heinz baked beans and heinz introduced go back to that photo look at how bomb this is
00:33:39
heinz baked beans inside of hash browns and you've had them no
00:33:45
they're not gonna make it for the united states so this is my time to use this platform to beg heinz please i'm not
00:33:52
[ __ ] kidding yeah i need this heinz you don't get it this is my two favorite breakfast items are hash browns and
00:33:58
beans i can die on this please send me some of this [ __ ] please make this available for the united states if you
00:34:05
don't i'm going to come for you yeah and i'm bringing the bobby lee's way yeah
00:34:10
you'll get the bobby lee but let me say something can't you just order it off from like a special site that'll here's
00:34:16
the here's the problem that's going to take a long time i want this in my local grocer in the frozen aisle please
00:34:22
because otherwise i'm gonna have to [ __ ] special order this [ __ ] that's gonna be a pain in the ass but let me can i just i'm not i i you know first of
00:34:28
all let me i wanna be positive okay i really respect your dream god bless you right and i um i want to support you
00:34:35
thank you okay but what i want to say is that you've never eaten that yet you're making assumptions of what that's
00:34:41
going to look taste like my friend my friend my friend my friend my friend my friend my friend it's a frozen
00:34:47
so it's thing how are you gonna prepare the fry it oh yes okay you fry it right you fry you air fry it first of all you air fry it
00:34:53
but you have no idea how that's gonna taste oh yes i do okay oh yes i do all right so heinz doesn't miss have you had
00:34:59
their ketchup oh they're the best home run have you had their baked beans they're a home run pull up some stuff that heinz makes heinz heinz by the way
00:35:06
it's an american company isn't it but they have a british base because heinz field that's in
00:35:12
uh pennsylvania pennsylvania right heinz products let's go down the [ __ ] list of these bangers
00:35:20
look at that look how happy that kid is yeah with all that blood all over his face yeah
00:35:25
ketchup banger mustard banger memphis barbecue sauce yes real mayonnaise not
00:35:30
for me but some people like it heinz gravy heinz vinegar use it heinz dill rick uh relish and pickles love it
00:35:38
heinz they got mayo chip they got new yeah and ketchup now yeah heinz 57 by
00:35:43
the way the specialty sauces banger [ __ ] it's a great company wait go to the sauce the mixed sauces by the way go
00:35:48
back to the mixed sauces because they keep trying [ __ ] whoa what did that say
00:35:54
crunch ketchup and ranch mayo and ketchup and then ketchup in chili sauce wow don't shudder at that don't shudder
00:36:01
at that yeah don't shut it off i don't step on your culture i eat a [ __ ] live bird and an egg for you yeah
00:36:06
scumbag you guys use boar blood in the philippines yeah yeah i mean as a dipping sauce poor blood good more blood
00:36:13
more blood is good and yeah yeah yeah heinz i'm begging you please send this to united states specifically
00:36:19
here at bad friends because i want it so bad i love me some [ __ ] beans and by the way yeah next month
00:36:25
i'm trying it i'm going [ __ ] vegetarian next month you want me you i could can we do it together let's do a
00:36:32
bad friend's yeah i think i'm trying will you go vegetarian for the month i don't think he'll make it don't [ __ ] so
00:36:37
[ __ ] negative you're i'm going to throw you're so [ __ ] nice i'm going to throw this at you
00:36:43
all right you've been negative all show let's do it not supportive at all at all okay i'll support you
00:36:50
why do you think he's going to fail because all he eats is ribs pork beef
00:36:55
all the [ __ ] so he's getting his fill this month yeah and he'll be fine i'll be fine we're gonna do bad friends goes
00:37:00
vegetarian can we do a combination thing though like combination fried rice
00:37:07
yeah no not combination fried rice let's a dual contest okay go on so
00:37:13
we do vegetarian and let's add up another thing no ejaculation
00:37:19
okay i'm out yeah you can let's just see how long i can't come for the whole month
00:37:25
yeah that's so long i know but have you ever tried it no well you're trying it feels like a madman no no no no
00:37:32
you can't a month so long you're not gonna last but that's what's fun about the game we'll see how long
00:37:37
i'm telling you the moment that you or i come we have to text or call each other you have to be honest if we're going to play this game you got to be real all
00:37:43
right and i mean the moment the moment you come back can we get into the rules though
00:37:49
oh yeah i'm sure there's some rules okay go ahead so what if i have like you know when i come in the night on a dream
00:37:58
i know i said it like a poem is it happening and i come in the nighttime is it happening a lot but sometimes i'll
00:38:04
wake up and there's a little bit of explosion in there that doesn't count all right that doesn't count right right yeah you have to be a part of the
00:38:11
[ __ ] right like you have to either actively do it with your hand or with using a partner okay so then um with the meat right for
00:38:18
instance all right if i sleep walk and eat in the middle of the night and i eat a roast beef sandwich it doesn't count
00:38:24
it doesn't count that's totally okay right that seems like that's fine something because i can't help that well i feel like if we're gonna let each
00:38:29
other come in the middle of the night we better be able to eat a roast beef sandwich can you imagine the security cameras of us just coming and eating
00:38:36
it wasn't me i was dead asleep yeah i was dizzy all right so we call each other when we slip the moment that we
00:38:42
slip i'm serious i have one last thing i have to ask i'm so sorry i have questions about it because i really want
00:38:47
to do it i want to do it too um can we do it in
00:38:52
november uh yes we can okay let's do it in november
00:38:58
okay we're too close to you right september because we're going to new york in september right yeah we're not going to jerk off or [ __ ] not eat
00:39:05
meat there that's right we're going to do a deli that's all you do what is up in new york jerk off and eat me right so
00:39:10
what i'm saying is in november i feel like my candle is a little bit more clear we're back home we're back home and we can monitor each other better
00:39:16
we'll monitor the better right okay yeah so let's do it in november bro i hate you know i just got a car i
00:39:23
used vroom the best thing about vroom is that you don't have to go to these dealerships out in the middle of nowhere and just
00:39:30
walk around in the heat with room you can buy a car entirely online and have it delivered straight to you so you
00:39:36
never have to go to a dealership again that's right nobody wants to waste a weekend walking around dealership lots getting attacked by dudes in cheap suits
00:39:43
yelling at you about discounts that they can get you after they go talk to their manager for 45 minutes because it's a lie uh let me tell you something i've
00:39:50
had so many different trials and tribulations trying to buy cars i'm a car guy i do not go to the lots anymore
00:39:57
i always use third parties now and vroom has been the best version of that uh instead of going to dealership buy a car
00:40:03
from home uh even as you listen to bad friends right now you can do it anywhere vroom is entirely online so next time
00:40:10
you need to buy a car just grab your phone go to room.com and check out thousands of great cars that's room.com
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the greatest ones yeah they're the best of all time i use them all you use i'll use them all my thoughts brought my life i've used them a little sometimes i've
00:40:35
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health decisions such as introducing condoms to the relationship and using condoms consistently no i really don't
00:41:10
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00:41:25
did you see the movie pray no dude i can't wait i want to go i
00:41:30
didn't go let me go what go where i want to go see it it's on hulu wait what is it i
00:41:36
thought it's in theaters no never went to theaters it went straight to hulu oh i don't want to see something one straight that went straight to online
00:41:42
i i it's got to be in the theater amber mint that is the um star of it she's on reservation duck so i kind of know her
00:41:48
oh yeah and i'm just saying this movie it's incredible what do you like any of the predator movies well predator yeah
00:41:53
the original one yes yeah she had never seen any predator movie until prey her
00:41:58
yeah well yeah do you know have you seen it now yeah it's so so sick it's so good no i do
00:42:04
want to see it i should watch it but it's like do you know what the premise is no
00:42:09
i know nothing about have you heard of it before honestly everyone's talking about it right so basically it's when
00:42:14
the alien predator first visited earth and he finds her he he's fighting
00:42:20
against native americans sick it's [ __ ] sick love it yeah i'm in and he's more primitive too in the movie
00:42:27
he's more lovable no he's more um he's not as technologically advanced i think he's
00:42:33
more he does more hand-to-hand killing you were right yeah well that's what i didn't know you said right baby yeah
00:42:38
yeah i i just i i was astonished how good it was it's that good like i was just like wow this is what
00:42:46
aside from the original predator movie which we love with arnie yeah right yeah i've seen every single one of those
00:42:52
[ __ ] things right and this one is probably the second best one 93 on rotten tomatoes have you ever been a
00:42:58
part of any project that's been 93 i think the most i got was 53
00:43:05
well i'm on reservation dogs that's that's got to be up what is that reservation dogs has got to be high
00:43:10
i would imagine that the reservation dogs is probably 90s 99.
00:43:15
i'm on a 99. holy [ __ ] how about you what what number probably 85 is probably the highest i've been a part of what i
00:43:21
bet you dave is in the 80s high 80s get dave get dave on there dave's probably
00:43:39
every single year okay yeah nothing i've been a part of has been probably higher than 84. 84 is probably the highest i've
00:43:44
ever been i don't watch do i'm dying up here this one probably 64. this one's probably below 70.
00:43:52
let's see 51 oh my god but the audience score is 95. see that's always kind of a
00:43:58
tell though what when the critics [ __ ] on something but the audience loves it that's not a towel no no this happens a
00:44:04
lot though you'll see it where the audience is super super high and the critics are low meaning it's it's
00:44:11
it's one of those things where i think people the critics those are the same people that think that fast and furious is a
00:44:17
kurosawa film the best movie ever made i'm just saying my name is a better movie than faster faster than furious
00:44:22
all of them all the other fast and furious movies are better than the originals what's the fast and furious score
00:44:28
just go fast and furious one and let's find out the original what year was that in
00:44:34
2009 not in 2009 yeah that's it 28
00:44:40
audience score 67 so right you're wrong about that that's still pretty low yeah yeah 28
00:44:46
this is the problem with critics what are you criticizing it's a [ __ ] action movie yeah what what what's the
00:44:52
[ __ ] thing what's the thing yeah what could you be critical about the cinematography it's [ __ ] shoot
00:44:58
him up flip a car you know family you know what you're gonna go watch yeah so [ __ ] leave it
00:45:05
alone yeah you know what i'm watching now that i almost finished what is it only murders in the building
00:45:11
you don't know what this is it's on hulu it's steve martin martin short and selena gomez
00:45:17
you've seen it um are you a selena gomez fan she's brown like you is it good 100
00:45:23
percent critics holy [ __ ] is it that good is it good don't don't no no no no no no i'm not
00:45:28
saying it to you i'm saying is it good like this is it good it's it's kitschy but it's fun
00:45:35
but martin short i'm not kidding when i say this might be one of the best comedic actors in the
00:45:41
history of of of filming i've always felt that bro he's so funny on this show it's [ __ ] annoying you're like how is
00:45:48
he every scene he does something to make me laugh and steve martin phenomenal as
00:45:53
a straight guy but martin short is exactly what you want him to do also fyi mm-hmm what is that what are they
00:46:00
don't even know what that means for for young interests for young interests yeah yeah for young people yeah yeah for young interests yeah right
00:46:08
one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet of course because he's the [ __ ] he literally is one of the
00:46:14
nicest guys you'll ever meet i'm dude i'm obsessed i think he kills i love that and selena does a good job on the show i don't really know much about her
00:46:20
but she does a great job on the [ __ ] show but martin i'm watching that tonight you dude you have to give it some time
00:46:26
do a couple episodes you're gonna love it 100 and two legends legends yeah two legends
00:46:31
in the legends you martin short and selena gomez yeah let's let's go back to the history of of
00:46:36
these two guys she has no idea i understand but did you see three amigos no it's my favorite it's one of the
00:46:42
funniest movies i love that movie do you know who steve martin is at all no wow it's just mind-boggling you know
00:46:48
what she should watch that she might like sense of humor was what um parenthood
00:46:54
no she should watch jiminy glick yeah no you don't think she'll get it no i want her to go back into the were you
00:47:01
bored yeah martin short dressed up as this fat interviewer and it's some of the best stuff i've
00:47:07
ever seen in my life dude he was so [ __ ] good but we sh i want her to go do a little bit of a deep dive in terms
00:47:14
of like steve martin and and martin short's career okay well because in the 80s they made they were like
00:47:21
when we were growing up they were like kings the kings of it all kings yeah steve martin steve martin got like uh
00:47:28
commercially messy he was saturday night live but he got commercially massive uh he was saturday live too but uh i
00:47:35
would say father the bride was like one of the biggest movies he probably ever made franchise-wise steve martin yeah
00:47:40
franchise yes right isn't that don't you think what do you think was bigger for steve martin i mean that franchise was
00:47:46
[ __ ] massive yeah like that might have been the biggest dirty rotten scoundrels yeah
00:47:51
but don't love that movie no great the jerk like these are all great oh my god but they were never as big this movie was [ __ ] massive for the time yeah
00:47:58
how much was it 90 million oh my god for a [ __ ] domestic movie in the 90s in 91 insane
00:48:05
that's like a billion dollars for it's that's absolutely really you really need to see the three of me goes though
00:48:11
i mean that's like a classic one of the funniest comedies ever and these guys were just but that's when you but that's when you
00:48:17
know you're all like i've been like hanging out with younger people on set and stuff and you you talk them about
00:48:23
because you you bring up stuff like you know movies from the 80s and stuff or 70s and they just don't know any name or
00:48:31
what it is it's insane but also because the internet's so fast right like we knew stuff from our parents generation
00:48:36
because the internet wasn't as fast then it wasn't until we were a certain age the internet didn't exist so for them
00:48:42
the stars are being made constantly or the star of the month or whatever it is but she could be on a bus
00:48:49
sitting next to steve martin would never and she would have no idea two things though why are both of those people on a
00:48:54
bus i know what you're saying yeah you know what i'm saying yeah subway no subway subway right right you would not have
00:49:01
any idea like if i sat next to steve martin on a subway this
00:49:07
i would just be i would not know what to say i would lose like i would lose my mind
00:49:12
right you nothing yeah yeah what were you going to ask you said you
00:49:17
you look like you're going to ask him something like you can just take a picture of him no it's this guy is a
00:49:23
legend this is not [ __ ] yeah this isn't like do you always have to say something if
00:49:29
it's like a really big no i wouldn't say i don't think i would say we'd be nervous because i wouldn't want to say
00:49:34
something and have him be a dick and then change my view on him so i just don't want to bring it there yeah you just you but you
00:49:40
give him one of these you give them a little i i i've done that to super super famous people that i
00:49:47
like their work is they'll look over and kind of give you one the eyebrow you know the eyebrows yeah
00:49:52
yeah because that's an all i need the worst is when you say something to a star that you love and they're they're
00:49:58
not being a dick but they do their standard line they would do any one i don't know so i was with uh i was on the
00:50:05
paramount lot and um levar burton who's jordy next generation you definitely don't
00:50:10
know who that is you don't know yeah no chance i walked by i'm like oh [ __ ] there's [ __ ] lavar burton i go hey
00:50:15
i'm a big fan of you i said it i'm a big friend he goes thank you yeah he's heard it a million yeah yeah
00:50:21
all day long and i was just like oh god he's the [ __ ] why did he do that do you know who that is no oh my god is he do
00:50:28
you like him you think he's attractive yeah yeah he's like a hundred years old isn't that crazy
00:50:34
black does not crack good looking oh my god he's amazing he's 65. he looks like he's the third is great he that guy and
00:50:40
me are the same age yeah visually yeah each other those guys must be in the same space yeah they went
00:50:45
to high school together yeah for sure for sure yeah but it's like yeah that that thank
00:50:51
you that thank you because he's heard it yeah that's why i try to like not do that
00:50:56
what do you say when a fan says hey i love your work a guy said it to me this morning getting coffee
00:51:02
he goes dude i'm a big fan and you know what i say what i say thank you very much man i hope you have a good day
00:51:08
that seems cold what do you mean i looked him in the eye and i said i hope you have a good day i meant that yeah it seems standard though what the [ __ ] am i
00:51:14
supposed to say you go specific thank you very much i love that shirt yeah okay i gotta pay attention i was on
00:51:21
the i was like that's that's that's what you got to do all right i'll go try it again go ahead i'm getting my coffee and then you're a fan hey
00:51:28
cheeto hey man big fan of your work oh dude [ __ ] off and i coffee right in the
00:51:33
face no i shouldn't do that no no i will try it again yeah yo
00:51:38
love love you on i'm dying up here no [ __ ] [ __ ]
00:51:44
yeah no is that not gonna work let me try one more time yeah yeah yo yo
00:51:50
bad friends yeah who do you like more
00:51:56
of the korean have you asked that before no have you yeah you have you scumbag
00:52:03
every time you do you go who do you like more me right yeah yeah oh or i'll say something disparaging about you why that
00:52:08
guy's so not funny or says i'll say something just just to get them all out i get it yeah yeah i get it like last night like
00:52:15
i was at this korean bar like i said yeah the blue bar the blue bar and i was in there and um you know people walk up
00:52:21
and they're huge bad friend you know what's astonishing about this podcast what is
00:52:27
the reach it had i mean we reach people dude oh my god i'm about to cry bob
00:52:34
it's not funny rudy i'm not laughing i'm smiling she's laughing
00:52:40
so dude ask alex han so this is the doorman at the comedy store and i was sitting there in the lobby of
00:52:46
the in the main room i'm just sitting there waiting to go up and alex goes meet this young lady and
00:52:51
she walks up to me and she just bursts into tears oh what do you mean don't be like that
00:52:56
no i'm i just said oh like that's cute carlos help yeah give just give him a
00:53:02
chance all right all right so that's cute and i go whoa don't cry she's like no you don't understand like my mom died
00:53:08
two days ago oh my god right and she goes she's the biggest bad friends fan it was
00:53:19
i'm just i'm just saying i'm sorry
00:53:26
i'll do it again thank you i'm not wrong i'm just telling you what the right verbiage was
00:53:38
so i just will you know that my mom was a huge pet friends fan
00:53:45
and um she um i mean i just went to um what's her name jessie
00:53:52
jetski juicy yeah juice and i just told her that and um i just want to say um i
00:53:57
had to come and say that say that to you because she passed away you know what i mean and i literally went
00:54:02
thanks get the [ __ ] no no i go no i hugged her and we talked for like a half an hour i i do you remember her
00:54:08
name i knew it yeah but did she talk to jesse yes she
00:54:14
did let's see if juicy remember if juicy remembers her name i'm serious yeah yeah never going to let you live this town
00:54:20
this poor girl's mom was a huge bet and shout out to this girl whoever her mom was in her 40s and she had died [ __ ] man
00:54:26
so young yeah i'm in my that's me yeah i know we lost a viewer
00:54:32
carlos deep cut deep cut and by the way funny though whoever you are i hope the
00:54:38
bad friends hey juice you're on the back you're on the pod what's up i just want to ask you
00:54:44
something so bobby said that there was a girl that came up to you guys and said that she lost her mom she passed away
00:54:50
but her mom was a big bad friends fan you got and do you remember that yep addy
00:54:56
juicy not your name addie i know hey i just want to say this real fast
00:55:02
i love you and i'll see you tonight okay okay love you guys all right bye
00:55:09
didn't even [ __ ] ask her knew off the bat
00:55:18
bobby bro didn't even ask her and remembered right away her name was
00:55:24
addy oh by the way if you're out there let me say this we love you thank you for being a bad friends fan
00:55:30
uh we love our bad friends family and i'm sorry about your mom and you're the [ __ ] and we love addie so thank you we
00:55:37
appreciate it oh addy and thank you for coming along i'm so sorry eddie yeah you should be yeah say sorry you're [ __ ]
00:55:42
looking your camera i'm sorry but no don't butt when you're saying sorry why because that's not what i have other
00:55:48
things to say just say i'm sorry anne okay i'm sorry and
00:55:54
right by the way no yeah and and i um was really good
00:56:01
conversing with you for a half hour what is that
00:56:06
what is that i know she don't be mean i'm not being mean i loved her we love you adi we love you adi but it
00:56:13
was like so like just um no that's beautiful because you know it's funny because and i you get it from all over
00:56:19
the world like i've been talking to people from you know australia other people people that live
00:56:24
in korea that like bad friends that's nuts right and it's like you know when i because now you know i'm
00:56:30
just trying to be different i'm posting more on instagram getting more involved you know i mean that's cool yeah and uh
00:56:35
i'll come first with some fans on you know indirect message and um and they're just like
00:56:40
like they're just they just love the show so much but it's funny because we go to the shitty parking lot in this shitty building
00:56:46
right and we come here and it's like kind of like all right here we are let's do you know i mean you never think that people are watching really watching
00:56:53
our little show our little show you know but it's just like it's pretty cool i agree man i'm very appreciative of of
00:56:58
the of the bad friends fan base and uh so are the guys you know it keeps them employed because otherwise can you
00:57:04
imagine what these scumbags would be doing if it wasn't for us what do you think pete would be doing if he wasn't
00:57:09
on this show he'd be a grip for like a low budget thing oh okay yeah yeah i see that
00:57:15
that's cool yeah yeah i would i was gonna say uh like gravedigger or grave robber sorry like no he's too big to be a grave
00:57:21
robber what do you mean he's strong he's so strong he can lift the casket out you need you can't have someone carlos decides lifting a casket it's not going
00:57:28
to work but he's a big guy though pete yeah yeah he's strongest i know so i'm the guy i don't know who
00:57:35
looks after like something you need a strong guy to help lift the casket there's no cameras you need a skinny guy
00:57:41
like carlos to wiggle down there to fit into small holes and i have this for protecting and he's
00:57:46
got a gun yeah and you need someone like you to distract oh why like what do i do maybe look at the
00:57:52
body here you know here comes the guy who the graveyard guy who runs greg what y'all doing over here this time and you
00:57:58
got to be like oh we're you know we're just saying goodbye to our aunt that passed away and we're paying our respects you have to distract while
00:58:04
these guys are doing the dirty work dude i got my shovel no but i i i feel like under pressure i would probably [ __ ] it
00:58:10
up okay hey woody hey hey hey whoa whoa whoa hey what what the [ __ ] are you doing in my graveyard boy you made my
00:58:16
uncle benji your uncle benji he just died benji lieberman
00:58:23
ferguson lieberman yeah benji ferguson liberty jr yeah really yeah he's in my car
00:58:30
wait what i can't bury you no when is it when does it open man you're [ __ ] this on
00:58:36
like i wouldn't know yeah yeah you would have to pretend like you're paying your respects to the dead oh i just i wouldn't know that i'd be like no i'm
00:58:42
trying to bury this guy try it again oh i'll do it again hi hey hey hey what the
00:58:47
[ __ ] you doing in my graveyard it's beautiful thank you the landscaping thank you oh go ahead walk around
00:58:53
is that good that's good that would have worked yeah yeah you're just admiring the world i love her hey wait
00:58:58
excuse me what are you doing over here in our graveyard i'm saying hi to my mom what's her name
00:59:05
lipa dua oh alippadoo is over there six weeks
00:59:11
your [ __ ] mom that's crazy crazy i have to go i have to say hi yeah no no no no no go
00:59:16
ahead
00:59:26
[Laughter] i'm like we're weirded out by the dead i
00:59:32
mean she just died a month ago yeah god bless yeah how'd she die she died cancer
00:59:39
what kind in the vagina really was it the bobby lee yeah or was it the
00:59:49
bethesda gland bartholomew was it the bartholomew's
00:59:54
glam that's the bobby league the bobby lingling you'd be the whole part yeah sorry about
00:59:59
it sorry about that can i go now how old are you 20 i don't know if you're allowed to be
01:00:05
here at night by yourself i'm really depressed and i just want to talk to her talk to us
01:00:11
i don't know you well get to know me but we're alive yeah we happen to be alive and we'll
01:00:17
talk back to you yeah yeah i want to talk to my mom i think you should talk to us first yeah
01:00:22
hey you want to see my new van ooh no i just know no
01:00:28
you got it you guys need a new bed and also i'm just going to get them we need to help we have a couch no we're loading
01:00:33
into the van right we need your help that sounds like you're going to murder me no no no no you like wells
01:00:42
[Laughter] huh let me ask you something okay
01:00:48
this is not sexual okay have you ever seen a pair of testicles hang at the same length
01:00:55
no i haven't seen this [ __ ] yeah no no
01:01:01
dude we should do a [ __ ] movie where we own a graveyard yeah we're two guys what are they called more
01:01:06
not morticians what are the guys that [ __ ] run a graveyard called morticians there's a security of something no no dude there's graveyard
01:01:12
security they're called a thing because the morticians fix the bodies yeah i don't want to do that i don't want to
01:01:17
like prepare the bodies like the makeup yeah dude well first of all they have to like drain them you know you have to get all
01:01:24
their organs out and then you fill them with with formaldehyde formaldehyde right you fill them with a chemical yeah
01:01:30
formaldehyde it preserves the body and then if they had like a disastrous you know i mean death like a car accident
01:01:36
you have to fix their face yeah it's crazy like mold all right unarmed residential security guards graveyard
01:01:42
weekends swing we could [ __ ] do it 16 to 19 an hour what are they paying you at the library at school 16
01:01:48
you could make up to 19 i want to do that late night will you apply for her for this please i want to
01:01:54
apply for her to be an unarmed residential security guard at a graveyard on weekends and it's a swing job so it's not full-time you jump in
01:02:00
when they need you there's some qualifications oh let's let's read that valid uh california bsis guard card do
01:02:07
you have that no we'll [ __ ] we gotta get that we gotta get that uh you got a driver's license right okay yeah
01:02:13
reliable transportation you get the prius yeah the prius yeah great interpersonal communication skills when dealing with visitors to the site well
01:02:19
we just try let's try again let's see if you can get ready but this is real you're now a security
01:02:24
guard and we're visiting right so we just need you to be able to what do you even
01:02:30
what do i have to do why do i have to talk to them well [ __ ] dude do you want the job or not yeah i thought i was just
01:02:36
looking out on the graveyard people their visit they sometimes the the [ __ ] graveyard
01:02:41
is open and you're still a security guard you still have to make sure everything is okay so people are coming to grieve or pay their respects
01:02:48
sometimes as a teenager you gotta kick off who's like so we're a couple we're a couple guys we're gay of course
01:02:53
yeah yeah all right oh oh no we're back here again hi
01:02:59
i am hi how are you we're here to see um our ramone ramone yeah who died oh um
01:03:06
his nickname is big slang yeah that was his nickname the nickname is there any way we could
01:03:13
look i know this is a weird request but we have this huge black dildo is there a
01:03:18
way we could place this on with super glue on the tombstone yeah and he loves
01:03:23
he loves blackheads i love big black well he like the flesh the fleshy kind the real one the real ones but this is
01:03:28
can do yeah because they cut off a real black yes um some people might find it inappropriate but do you have like any
01:03:35
design that can like kind of cover it up that's that's interesting like a box
01:03:42
yeah or like flowers to just like so if we get some flowers and make put flowers around the [ __ ] you'll let us do that
01:03:49
yeah you can do it yeah thank you great great [ __ ] great look what she did yeah she saw the
01:03:55
situation assessed it assessed it and handle it look at the bottom requirement look at this go to the bottom note to the left to the left
01:04:00
ability to act with integrity in a professional manner and that's what you did exactly what that was the only thing you need is a valid cibs
01:04:08
never going to get that how do we get it yeah yeah i feel like we just need to get one of these [ __ ] psis cards and you're yeah how do we get those
01:04:14
welcome to the bureau of security and invest in and investigative investigative
01:04:19
but i don't have a visa [ __ ] what the [ __ ] god you do snitch on
01:04:26
yourself yeah yeah yeah yeah i guess we could apply online now okay let's apply for her honestly to see if we can get
01:04:33
her yeah yeah let's get her a [ __ ] okay we'll do this we don't need to do we you can you don't need to go through the oh you've got your use id ready for
01:04:39
the ca.com so seriously when this show's done i'm dead serious please apply for this and i want to see if we can get you a job as a
01:04:45
swing guard for a security guard at a graveyard why do you want me to because i think it's going to be healthy for you in the real world to use these skills
01:04:52
working at the campus bookstore it ain't gonna cut it okay let me tell you something rudy here
01:04:57
in america everybody at one point in their life has worked in a graveyard yeah i have it's just a part of the thing of growing up okay you know what
01:05:05
like what is that in the philippines is there uh oh could we fake one i mean yeah let's photoshop one oh yeah yeah
01:05:11
well let's photoshop it yeah great that's perfect done you could work at the hollywood forever one the best the
01:05:17
best graveyard humphrey bogart's buried there there's so many look at the famous people that are buried at hollywood
01:05:22
forever cemetery do i get free food i
01:05:28
i guess i don't know if they have i just don't know it's not they don't have craft service
01:05:33
you know i mean it's not a shoot look at this she knows none of these people by the way jane mansfield cecil b demille oh my bugsy siegel
01:05:40
wow johnny ramone wow wow dude wow look at the [ __ ] level
01:05:45
look at the level mel blanc dude this is so amazing how many people are buried there is charles chaplin the comedian
01:05:53
that's fair no the carpenter that's charles chaplin the carpenter the carpenter yeah the builder oh yeah no is
01:06:00
the comedian the legend i know him estelle getty do you know who that is no okay
01:06:08
i guess there's no do you know the ramones the band the ramones i've i don't know
01:06:14
okay that one's got to be tough for you bobby that's everything is tough that's got to be tough that she doesn't know
01:06:19
that it was the dog but now it's the ramones you know i mean and then and then the dog
01:06:25
who the [ __ ] is virginia rap who is that she was a model and a silent
01:06:32
film actress not so many skills there she died after attending a party with actor roscoe fatty arbuckle love fatty
01:06:40
arbuckle who was accused of manslaughter and rape in connection to her death um but he got away with it and now she's he
01:06:46
was exonerated because he knew enough you could get away with anything you could just kill someone and people no forensics
01:06:52
you just if you knew a cop you were like i didn't do it no like he didn't do it yeah i mean that's how easy it was about
01:06:58
that there's fatty arbuckle so he killed virginia rob wow wow and he got away with it probably
01:07:04
raped her too yeah what a fat piece of [ __ ] what a [ __ ] where's that fat piece of [ __ ] buried yeah let's see that
01:07:10
fat scumbag look at that so he killed her i love how they say he was exonerated
01:07:16
because but they don't give any indication over like why woodlawn cemetery in new york well we're going to [ __ ] when we go to new york you want to
01:07:22
go piss on his grave [ __ ] yeah man i'll go piss on that fat yeah and imagine
01:07:28
having the name fatty [Laughter] imagine how fat you have to be
01:07:34
for him to go [ __ ] it i'm fatty right it's like yeah fatty arbuckle look at that guy
01:07:41
he was a comedian look at that look at that look at that [ __ ]
01:07:47
that fat we actually we're actually being so mean we don't know if anything we don't know we don't know what he really did yeah but it did sound like if
01:07:53
you were [ __ ] charged with could ralphie may do that i don't think
01:07:58
so i mean look at that that's [ __ ] circumstantial right there dude you know who's not getting enough credit go is
01:08:04
the guy holding the women up top that must hurt his shoulders so bad
01:08:11
i mean fatty's fat yeah he's just he's like a cinder block he's just hanging out that can't be that hard on his
01:08:16
joints and those two poor women dude look at he's grabbing their breasts dude
01:08:22
yeah zoom in on the one in the white yeah yeah he doesn't give a [ __ ] look at him he's grabbing her tip hey look look at that look at that
01:08:28
zoom zoom and she's like can you get the pit right no no nothing i'm fat
01:08:35
the breasts he really is the right breast and look at her mouth she's always like hey
01:08:41
cut it out [Laughter] by the way silent film
01:08:47
yeah i mean i know you know look pioneered where we are today incredible but can you imagine how easy it'd be to
01:08:54
get away with being a bad actor in silent film to [ __ ] do anything one take everything
01:09:00
yeah yeah yeah yeah that's it that's one take killed it a movie takes three days to make a full
01:09:07
feature 128 pages yeah yeah yeah chaplin though chaplin though when you're good you're
01:09:13
great you're great right when you're when you're good at doing silent and making eye movements and hand gestures
01:09:19
and physicality dude we should do that a silent film you and i should do a black and white silent film with jewels bro
01:09:25
and just i'm not [ __ ] kidding let's do it i would kill dude well where are the [ __ ] outfits what's the outfits yeah it's just like
01:09:32
you know the black and white you know they just i wanted those no they of that era
01:09:38
but you couldn't but they were you couldn't see what they were because it was black and white they probably like those clothes okay you mean of that time
01:09:44
period of that era yeah okay good i want suspenders and then who's going to do the fonts
01:09:50
the what there needs to be the organ player no the fonts
01:09:55
sometimes subtitles yeah well pete oh you do it in post yeah my bad
01:10:00
you didn't why don't we do this why don't we don't write the [ __ ] you know i mean
01:10:06
write it we'll just do the movie first and then we'll figure out what it is later brilliant right i think that's fine i think that's
01:10:12
brilliant i love that and that's your you that's your creative side of it yeah that's genius i [ __ ] love i love it a
01:10:18
silent film um will you do one reenactment of something for me before we go what is it
01:10:25
so there's a guy online that i have a huge crush on and i know you know who he is because i've sent him to you before and we get sent this con i mean on a
01:10:31
constant basis will you show this guy this guy right here
01:10:37
people have asked us a thousand times to reenact this he's incredible
01:10:44
he can pull stuff with his hits his penis can i say something what that could have been us 200 200th time
01:10:50
no it wasn't it could have been i think he says in there how many takes it takes but you don't know it could have taken a
01:10:56
thousand times will you try this i'll do it but give me as many times as he gets it i think he probably did it from once
01:11:01
there's no way what's his name pete can you see what his name is this guy's the [ __ ] man
01:11:10
okay let's see oh this is amazing oh you okay and we gotta clamp your titties and you gotta try it you do it now yeah okay
01:11:17
this is how we got this is how we'll go home
01:11:23
i think it's just gonna fly away
01:11:37
yeah but this is for don't do the top one maybe maybe the top one can go
01:11:42
two on two tits and two on the other tits oh you're fine
01:11:47
like you haven't had something clamped to your titty before that's insane
01:11:52
come on baby is it not working
01:11:58
for you let me try it's going to hurt dude that yeah that hurts
01:12:18
does it
01:12:31
ah
01:12:36
[Laughter]
01:12:54
[Laughter]
01:13:02
i [ __ ] we tried
01:13:09
that guy's better than us yeah he's better than us all right [ __ ] me i wish that i wish
01:13:15
that worked all right let's go all right we have to say thank you for being a bad friend oh yeah yeah
01:13:22
rudy on the count of three one two one two three thank you for
01:13:27
being a bad friend yes
01:13:34
[Music]
