00:00:00
you two are bad friends who are these two idiots why dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends
00:00:12
hola bnbn ktal amigos welcome to our first live bad friends experience well we got andreas give him a round of
00:00:29
applause get up on stage [Music] hey guys wow thank you thank you [Applause] i'm not gonna lie my legs are shaking um
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thank you all for coming to mexico to see us this is our first show live ever and we're very excited
00:01:10
i didn't realize you guys were here to see me but thank you so without further ado let's introduce the stars of bad friends
00:01:24
bobby lee and andrew santino you two are bad friends who are these two your kids you guys are weird andrew looking good
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have you seen a korean guy around here [Music] [Applause] we're bad friends [Applause]
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[Music] [Applause] farmers [Applause] that's my opener viva la mexico hey let's see who can do it longer goal let me let me go first though all right
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all right go ahead is it gold g-o-a-l i said viva la mexico oh but hey you know ladies and gentlemen welcome to bad friends live
00:02:55
we're here in mexico we've never done this uh and uh we're so happy to be in cancun oh we're so happy to be here well we're an hour south of we're so happy to be an hour
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south of cancun yeah [Laughter] i feel really loose this week guys uh yeah i might hook up with a stranger no no maybe a maybe a black guy a black guy
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yeah are there any single black men here that want to have sex with bobby lee [Music]
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right one black guy right there sir can you stand up can you stand up in ways he's married he's married [Applause]
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hold on excuse me sir stand back up what is your name sir all right lock eyes with me tommy i know i heard the first time
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feels good tommy thank you i don't think tommy's interested at all in having sex with you uh thank you so much for coming we have uh a special guest that we don't want to
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waste any more time without because he's [ __ ] incredible he's incredible he's from england he's not from england he's from australia he's got a fancy accent he does have a
00:04:20
fancy accent yeah do you want to introduce our guest oh yeah he's from england no he's from australia and
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he uh he i don't know much about him here's what i do know about him yeah he's been really nice to me that's nice
00:04:32
that's nice and number two um he knows brad pitt i don't know if he knows brad [Music] that's it he's one of the greatest uh
00:04:43
stand-up comics right now alive on this planet he's [ __ ] incredible you know him from his specials ladies and
00:04:49
gentlemen [Applause] [Music] [Applause] jim jeffries baby that's very exciting i like i like how you guys came straight
00:05:22
out and we're pretty racist yeah yeah yeah yeah would you come out and do the jamaican
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accent and just i can't can you translate for us a little bit yeah he said he's very excited and thank you thank you very
00:05:34
much we brought along a spanish guy to translate an australian guy for some of those people in here that don't
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understand um jim thank you so much for being here this is amazing so good to see you
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uh you're mike i can't i can't hear you bobby turn his mic on [Laughter] well so it's me and jim that's it no come on
00:05:58
he's got it they got that mic working hello i have a question for you jim did they um force you to do this or did you say yes politely i i was forced there's an
00:06:11
itinerary yeah i gotta do this and i've got to do me show then i've got to do the comedy jam
00:06:17
they've filled my day but yeah i was forced to do it i would i would have done it if you asked me anyway but you
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were forced to have me so it's a reciprocal thing true that is true there's nothing to make you feel better
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than uh just for laughs charging these people fifty thousand dollars a ticket and the mics don't work guys give it up for just for laps
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way to go [Laughter] we're excited to be here you just got here now i i came in on the same plane as bobby bobby you just come from where
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did you come from yeah and was that your son where did you come from here where did
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you come where did you come from like korea what are you talking about he was trying to say go back to your
00:06:57
country in a very nice way in the last two days where did you come from i was in hawaii yeah and and then i went to lax and i
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ran into you okay so i run into bobby at lax and he'd already come from hawaii and he'd been at the airport for eight [ __ ] hours and he was just wandering around doing nothing he was in business
00:07:17
class with me yet he didn't use the lounge because he didn't figure out he could [ __ ] go in there
00:07:24
i i didn't look okay calm down okay okay okay but i didn't know that if you have a first class ticket that you're allowed to be in the lounge how long have you been a comedian for you've
00:07:37
traveled the world you've already got this in five years or so give or take i've never been in the lounge i don't
00:07:43
know how to get there but next time next time you can break show me okay raise your hand if you have heard of the
00:07:50
fact that if you ever had a first class ticket you could be in a lounge raise your hand interesting
00:07:56
the votes are in the eyes have it and how do you get there how do you find it there's no
00:08:01
signs and he said to me once you get in there who do you talk to no one you just scan your ticket you're in you learn that's fine that's all right
00:08:13
sweating sweating by the way we are going to be auctioning off this shirt for charity after the
00:08:20
show no you're not yes we are anybody wants a ripped up bowie sweaty shirt we're gonna be auctioning off you know what dude i'll get i'll give it away for free what do you think of that we're gonna
00:08:32
take it off take it off and give it away [Applause] she could beat the [ __ ] out of any guy or girl at this event i think she went fight him fight him for
00:08:56
it beat his ass choke him out choke him out real fast put him in a chokehold [Applause]
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thank you so much she came right up confidence confidence let's give it a verse she just got
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herself a free shirt bold i thought she was gonna beat the [ __ ] out of you yeah man i was like she's gonna [ __ ] bench you and [ __ ] you up you didn't want to lose that that's a
00:09:20
great t-shirt an old bowie t-shirt that's probably i'm gonna get it back yeah he's gonna get it back where the [ __ ] are you over there
00:09:27
after the show can i have it back well we'll give you another shirt of his they're very polite don't give it back to him yeah dude oh
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i don't want this piece of [ __ ] all right okay all right good trade good trade your merch
00:09:56
yeah we want to put on bob sure we don't want to steal chrysler's thunder so let's get your shirt back on
00:10:04
[Applause] say it's on backwards is what they were saying it's on backwards yeah
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but they're good [Applause] oh now it makes sense you know you know my favorite part about this is there's people up at the bar that did not intend to attend this
00:10:36
they're just trying to get a drink like what the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] yeah hey hey guys
00:10:42
all right let's talk about some topics yeah let's chat about some stuff all right what do you guys want to talk
00:10:47
about no no rudy well rudy rudy couldn't come rudy should we tell them rudy got deported used she's deported she got deported
00:11:02
rudy got caught on tax evasion so she got deported sorry go ahead bob [Music] of this whole thing you want me to do impressions right now [ __ ] i got jim jeffries here no no i want to
00:11:25
i want to hear about mad tv that's what he wants to hear about i don't even remember how the [ __ ]
00:11:30
let's talk let's let's talk about bobby right now bobby's about to make a run on a popular tv show called sex in the city
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and he's [Laughter] got rid of that blonde girl and they replaced them with what do you play on sex in the city mr
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small no chinese guy number three chinese guy number three chinese guy number three chinese going number three yeah there's two other
00:11:59
chinese guys they have a bigger role but i'm getting my [ __ ] line you're getting your lines yeah yeah you're
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getting your lines in yeah thank you thank you so much lady i appreciate it wait so let me let me say this story real fast this is my favorite we got here late last night we went out to dinner fancy bee got drunk as [ __ ] last
00:12:17
night and also for many of you you're all fans you know fancy b is of course spanish and people down here don't elect him so much
00:12:29
and fancy b speaks with his spanish you know uppity [ __ ] accent and let me tell you something these servers do not like fancy b
00:12:40
they don't do they fans they think i'm a little fancy a little fancy i just sound like a british british guy
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who's happy he sounds like how the brit you know there's british people that are like oh yeah all right up but then there's british people like
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oh the car the cop he sounds like that version to them they did not every time he got drunk and
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he'd call over a survey be like and they didn't like it they did not like it the guy kept
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shaking his [ __ ] head and fancy and i said should we leave a tip and fancy goes you don't tip these
00:13:09
people that's what he said that's what fancy said he did say that that's what fancy said i
00:13:15
think i said it's totally closer all-inclusive that's what he said so was that your kid that i met at the airport is that my kid at the air yeah who was the kid that's a kid i found at
00:13:28
the airport that's uh no of course it's my kid my kids birthdays this week so i brought him out
00:13:34
to the trip yeah um it turns out that the resort's adults only so i have to stay in a little bit just off to the side so i don't stay with you [ __ ] ah but uh
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but yeah it's my i'm out here i mean i i just got married and covered and i have a two-month-old baby at home
00:13:55
and i left my wife and baby at home and i brought my ex and my kid to the resorts all right
00:14:02
that's giving up for that i might i might i mustn't be a bad guy if i can be able to pull that off right
00:14:08
normally mind you i do pay for everyone normalize bringing your ex on vacation i think that should be the future
00:14:15
[ __ ] your current get your ex out here baby did you wait and and and the tour included your ex and your son coming
00:14:22
with you right on two or do they come with me yeah they come on school holidays i bring my ex and my son and then otherwise i don't
00:14:29
bring the baby anywhere the baby sits at home bring a baby my wife's my okay i've had two children
00:14:35
with two different women right yeah and you know how people go oh the first one's made of glass the second one's
00:14:41
made of plastic that's if you had it with the same woman right right these were both [ __ ] glass babies
00:14:48
right so i i've been through having a kid going oh you better watch it don't let it fall
00:14:53
over like that and then i was like oh [ __ ] them they're okay and now my new wife's worse than the last one so i'm
00:14:59
back where i started yeah but i look at it this way like if you have two children with two different
00:15:05
women it's like as it's like a science thing like it's an experiment like if if one kid turns out great it's because the mother did a good job and if
00:15:15
the other kid turns out [ __ ] it's because the mother did a [ __ ] job because i'm parenting them exactly the
00:15:21
same way but if they both turn out great i'll take full credit yeah as you should as you should
00:15:31
this is my baby this is the baby that i get to take care of my big sweaty baby did you run for some
00:15:38
reason i never picture either of you guys having kids i don't think we don't deserve them we don't deserve them what
00:15:44
do you mean i deserve children you think do you think you should have kids you know i think i'd be a very good father
00:15:49
yeah yeah i think i would i think i have i have ethics and a morality that's different than other people yeah yeah yeah like ask me a question i'll give you the right answer all right if a kid
00:16:01
says dad today at school a man came up to me that i didn't know yeah and he asked if i could if he could give me a ride home what should i say to that man obviously [ __ ] yeah yeah take a ride
00:16:14
right because my children know taekwondo oh right they're like brown belts and stuff
00:16:21
right so they can handle themselves give me another situation give me another situation your wife says
00:16:27
i'm tired i can you breastfeed what do you say yes yes yes i can what do you do does milk come out of our glands or yours yes oh that's right yours yes yeah i've had i've had my kid
00:16:42
latch on lately oh yeah yeah i've just been laying down and i [ __ ] had me baby and i put him
00:16:48
up against me chest like you're right and he's just sucking on me tit and i'm like
00:16:54
and the look of horror when he comes back up with a hair in his mouth just [Laughter]
00:17:01
jim are you are you gonna is this it for you no more kids though this is no more kids uh my wife uh wants another one but
00:17:08
i said i i can't do it again i'm too old and so i'm getting a vasectomy and she's
00:17:13
fighting on it but [ __ ] my body my choice man that's right women don't get to dictate what we do
00:17:20
with our bodies anymore the buck stops here i'll tell you a funny story because i i
00:17:26
i was talking to my dad and my dad went uh my dad was talking about his love life my mother passed away and my dad's
00:17:32
getting out there a bit you know and i said uh dad i'm going to get a vasectomy and he goes don't get a
00:17:38
vasectomy he goes some most women not all women but most women they like to see the [ __ ] and i said i said dad after you have a
00:17:49
vasectomy you still come it just doesn't work anymore and he went oh we'll get one then it was the fastest
00:17:56
it was the fastest i've ever seen someone change an opinion just like lightning why are you dumbfounded no because i can't even understand what he's saying he's so far away
00:18:08
it's hard to hear each other because he's speaking i can't hear anything he's saying so i'm doing this thing where i'm like that's funny can you guys hear what
00:18:15
we're saying very clearly i guess that works i'm just i'm just watching your lips move man yeah well they need there's no audio kick back we'll get it it's easier with you
00:18:27
harder with him because you know because he's chinese no i want to [ __ ] it can i go back to the the black eye are you asking me to go back to the black i just want to apologize because i
00:18:39
feel like i was aggressive in the beginning of the show yeah and i apologize i feel like there's a bad energy between us right now
00:18:46
are you good i'm fine too let's move on i'll get good what did you say ma'am i can't hear her
00:18:53
oh do you can you hug and make up they want a hug i guess you know [Applause] hug him bobby give him a hug bobby oh no no no no
00:19:12
[Applause] i i like that he kept the mask on for safety [Laughter] like if you hug bobby lee covert is the
00:19:25
least of your [ __ ] problems yeah [Applause] jesus christ i can't wait to get this
00:19:31
letter on monday you get sued by mexico as a country you can't bring him down here anymore he's so dangerous these are too dangerous is that a that's a tom and jerry shirt
00:19:43
i like that it's so funny when black dudes can wear disney stuff and no one says anything or
00:19:50
like cartoons but if white grown-ups wear disney stuff everyone's like zebra yeah but yeah but we're always leads in their movies so that's a different thing
00:20:01
that's true that's true that is true did you like the hug yeah it was pretty good it was good yeah
00:20:08
i i shake it closer to jim so i can hear him switch i'll switch no so everybody understand what was going on with us up there i want to give you a taste of what our ears were hearing so
00:20:22
you don't think we're crazy [Music] all right so that was what we were experiencing um but now back to the show
00:20:46
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anything liquidive.com code bad friends hello i'll tell you right now you could eat a
00:22:28
fried egg off of my butthole i'll i leave you know because it's i want scrambled all right fine yeah the reason
00:22:34
why is because my bottle is so clean due to the fact that i use a tushy whenever i go to the pooh pool okay look i have a
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tushy at the house we have a tushy here at the studio you have a tushy at home yeah we both installed it on our own and you know we're not um we're not um
00:22:46
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00:22:53
dumb and also you know if you care about the earth and the environment you will get a hello
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spray it in the butt spray it in your pink eye and see if you like it i almost i always i hope i open up the cheeks
00:23:10
sometimes when the skin i always open up the cheeks oh yeah it's so good and you use kind of your nuts as a backboard legs that's what i love my looks are
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shallow so it doesn't work but not long enough anyway all right the hello tissue today washes your bum
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00:23:54
next guy coming to the stage is an old friend of ours yeah one of our one of our closest most
00:23:59
favorite performers comedians beyond like the most talented podcaster we know oh shut the [ __ ] up he's he could be a handsome guy but he ate so
00:24:10
much frijole uh-oh that he became rotund but he's a very good comic and he's going to be performing tonight where at the [ __ ] arena at the [ __ ] arena
00:24:22
guys no condom no condom all right i'll hurry stop but going home everybody [Applause]
00:24:54
[Music] hey so i i want to open up this podcast with an apology is it because of our phone call
00:25:08
yes so you called me on the phone a couple of weeks ago yeah on your show live right
00:25:13
yep and i called you a fat ugly peruvian guy you did and it got a really big laugh from your audience
00:25:23
but i also want to formally apologize because i was rude well thanks man that's very grown up of you thank you
00:25:29
you can say something bad about me right now in front of them what the [ __ ] does that mean that's korean oh i'll tell you this i thought you smelled korean no i'm
00:25:41
white i have jeopardies do it again that sounds spam that doesn't sound [ __ ] that's right at all i speak spanish so i have a spanish pronunciation but it's [ __ ] korean
00:25:53
open your goddamn ears up does anybody speak korean in here are there any koreans in here oh in the back what did that say
00:26:02
doesn't know okay how about uh are you looking it up [ __ ] yeah i looked it up of course i looked at it how about this i'll teach you korean wait wait let me tell you one all right
00:26:17
he just called me the n word how dare you you [ __ ] [ __ ] don't mind him stop pointing at the black guy all right sorry why are you i like doing that
00:26:28
i should stop i'll stop yes stop i apologize i'll stop point at any other people white guy fine
00:26:35
with titties i like your titties sir i accept your half-assed apology do you want to know what i said in korean i don't know what would you say it really didn't sound familiar at all no no the first thing was i hope you die
00:26:51
thank you thank you what was the second one you are fat you are fat yeah yeah well i'll teach you one right now okay teach everyone here's yes yeah take this people here too
00:27:04
[ __ ] all right i'll teach you another one okay yokome hey let me tell you something it's cute as [ __ ] no it's not yes it would and if it was a
00:27:32
pokemon character it'd be one of the leads like he'd be like third in line i don't
00:27:38
know how pokemon works i don't think that's how it works i don't know why i'm standing i'll sit back bob what are your dimensions
00:27:45
have you gone over this already like a like a dresser he's like a dresser drawer no i meant
00:27:50
your penis no not your yeah have you ever seen it i'll show you now well i mean no i'll i'll turn my back i'll turn my back yeah turn your back and show i'm a christian
00:28:01
like i said all right don't make sure no one else sees okay okay okay okay how weird is that that was one of the worst experiences of my life yeah
00:28:16
so many colors huh there are a lot of colors yeah there's three colors i see why you keep looking at the black eye
00:28:24
you got anything to spare yeah this guy's oh [ __ ] you bro what are all the colors about well his nuts are very very dark mine yes thank you it's like you dipped them in mud is
00:28:39
what it looks like it's not healthy it's very weird and his penis is one color at the base and then it goes like white in
00:28:46
the middle and then it gets dark again yeah you have a really good memory of it it's uh it's there forever yeah yeah you're gonna have it too they're actually they
00:28:57
look like boba yeah and it's actually i got i'll be honest with you it's bigger than i thought it was going to be no
00:29:03
[ __ ] yeah dude yeah friends for life it was bigger than he thought yeah but he thought it was a micro penis
00:29:09
so bigger than this is that and that's fine that's enough it's a little bit bigger is your i bet your tongue game is
00:29:16
amazing right well you want to see okay this one you don't have to stand up for i don't know why guys do this but i'm
00:29:22
going to do it oh boy okay is that is that wrong uh go ahead so i do this i always say hello yeah you want me to hold them while you do it i'm gonna open it right yeah hello hello
00:29:34
and then the little click gives me a little wink like that yeah and like you can do it for that's it that's it no see how long that was the time limit let's see how long one ready go
00:29:48
go [Applause] pretty good that was pretty good yeah yeah these are [ __ ] moist a little bit
00:30:04
okay good thank you imagine people that just came to this resort that are walking by
00:30:10
for a family vacation they see some little fat careers what are you saying what a nightmare
00:30:16
it's all inclusive [Laughter] do not pay more is this yours uh no that's yours that's yours uh tom thank you so much for doing this we know you're playing a show tonight this means a lot
00:30:28
to everybody [Applause] i love when you blush it's so cute tom we miss you in la and you abandon us for austin and we really are a little
00:30:40
upset about it i'll be back but you're gonna get i'll be back for real sure really i mean
00:30:46
i made a bet with some comics i said a year do you think i'll move back i think you'll move back in about eight months
00:30:52
oh no definitely not why because i know but we miss you i miss you guys too dude you have you we you
00:30:59
have more [ __ ] friends in la than [ __ ] austin hey hey he's here somewhere relax where's that head of his i don't know it's so thick
00:31:14
do you still feel like that wave is coming what do you say the wave do you feel like the wave is coming to austin you mean no no like when i was leaving l.a you're like you don't feel that wave
00:31:25
[Laughter] yeah you said that yeah yeah there's a wave coming bud is it yeah you're gonna
00:31:30
miss out i think i've seen the comedy store lineup so i think i'm pretty good on the wave because you guys [ __ ] moved out
00:31:38
when rogan and everyone and joey diaz and everyone moved out of l.a right the comedy scene got weaker it got a little
00:31:44
weak so it's your fault it's your [ __ ] face there's a new scene and it's [ __ ] in outside of cancun so this is
00:31:50
the scene yeah this is the scene so since you're living in austin do you think because the comedy community there is so tight-knit do you think do you think you could do
00:32:03
tony hinchliff's monologue for how he brought up that asian guy and do it for bobby do you think he could do the exact same thing let's try it let's try
00:32:12
it about should i be tony hinchcliffe because i have to say that i'll be you i'll be you and you be tony hinchcliffe
00:32:18
you be tony what did he say i'll be the cur i'll be the agent exactly okay all right no no so i get off stage so this is how it went oh you have to bring me up
00:32:30
no are you you're tone you're tony i do you you're bringing me up and then i alright so i'm the asian guy
00:32:37
and i'm killing and uh and i'm like all right thank you so much and he doesn't even have an
00:32:43
accent or anything does he no he's like thank you so much uh appreciate you guys that's my time tony hinchcliffe everyone
00:32:49
thank you so much i appreciate it tony thank you tony appreciate you man i killed on the show thank you or time for
00:32:56
the [ __ ] oh my gosh is that what he said i don't know but that sounded so bad i know that sounded so bad even coming from you it sounds bad how about
00:33:07
one more time for the yellow monkey oh my gosh i feel i gotta tell you something
00:33:14
it doesn't feel wrong whatever you're doing doesn't feel yeah it feels right all right yeah i'd like this i'm just glad we're getting it on tape yeah
00:33:22
that whole look exchange was so racist it was tough yeah was anybody offended who was offended anybody one guy go apologize bob sir come over here
00:33:35
come here you're offended come over your [ __ ] are you offended calls him an [ __ ]
00:33:44
uh-oh what's happening give him a kiss give him a kiss give him a kiss give him a kiss give him kiss give him kiss give him kips give him
00:33:55
kiss give him kiss give him kiss give him kiss give him kids give him give him kiss give him kiss give him kiss give him kiss give him kiss give him kiss
00:34:01
give him kiss there we go i just came inside him so wet that's what he said it was so wet yeah my little moist noodle
00:34:14
oh man nothing everything's good [Laughter] tom no i do mean listen i missed l.a i
00:34:26
do miss all right we missed the [ __ ] out of you we wish you would come back but also we're happy that you guys are enjoying
00:34:31
life out there yeah every honest i think it's [ __ ] it's great it's fun is there comedy there for real is it picked
00:34:38
up or no well there's shows all the time i mean there's not like are you doing shows i've been on the road a lot yeah
00:34:43
you're not doing shows i've done shows in austin but i haven't done like weekly shows because i've been gone okay
00:34:50
are you're leaving tonight after the show yeah what kind of plane are you flying on uh [ __ ] i don't know what
00:34:55
it's called what is it called american uh it's just yours you're not leaving on a
00:35:01
private plane no oh no [ __ ] no hey do you guys want to play [ __ ] marry kill yeah yeah okay so out of us three right who you would have
00:35:13
to [ __ ] mirror kill the matter i just know what you're doing you don't like this game no i love it
00:35:20
dude in improv you say yes and you can yes yes i love it do you guys want to play i said they do
00:35:28
scumbag all right go ahead let's play just three people yeah okay yeah sir yeah we'll get back okay oh wow that well that's not gonna help out aggressive bro
00:35:45
you're just like oh man this is this is a bad look yeah yeah so what's your name
00:35:52
fletch come closer because the mic is your name fletch that's a great [ __ ] name i love that who would you [ __ ]
00:35:58
marry or kill between us three i'd [ __ ] bobby cause he's the most ladylike most ladylike yes
00:36:04
clutch fletch fletch the [ __ ] man it is that's true uh i'd have to marry tom for the money yeah
00:36:22
he is rich that's very smart but i love you santino he's black i love you too yeah what do you say that again he's not black let's say it again yeah he knows black turn turn to the audience
00:36:34
and said in the mic glitch can you say it in the mic for me say it say it santino's black thank
00:36:39
thank you fam [Applause] hey that means so much to me it's unbelievable hey don't flick off my black friend don't do that santino how did you get that lady how did you get
00:36:51
that it's just like they feel me there's a thing there's a thing is it because you want more you want to do one more
00:36:57
yeah that's fine let's do one more why not huh [Applause] hey the guy with the titties oh come on
00:37:04
can you ask a girl yeah ask a girl get the [ __ ] oh my god bob so mean all right all right i have my friend you want to meet my friend get that get there's a girl right there
00:37:16
that's asking bob get that woman right there right there in the white right there she's right there yeah come on
00:37:21
come please yeah let her do it yes all right yeah come come no come come over here [ __ ] marry or kill okay
00:37:32
bobby i love you but um i have to kill you i'm so sorry oh yes i'm gonna [ __ ] andrew because he is black yes this is
00:37:38
absolutely true yes yes oh and i'm gonna marry tom because he got a business what's your name what's your name my
00:37:49
name is erica eric i give it up for erica this [ __ ] queen [ __ ] queen erica do you want to get on the stage and and give and do a spin move and show yourself off and there's this
00:38:00
[ __ ] erica and this [ __ ] eric are you single guys single single beep beep beep beep beep beep
00:38:12
brilliant brilliant woman wow love her you nailed it man that's what you want two for two yep
00:38:18
now let's get someone that's typically out of the like the out of the pocket of our fan base
00:38:23
who's who's above 50 who's above 50 that's here 50 or 60. get get that woman up here please
00:38:31
yeah this is great this isn't our usual fan base are we still saying playing the same game we're playing the same game go up there all right i want to hear and let
00:38:44
her on stage and let her face the audience look at that swag when she comes up damn
00:38:51
bobby all right come on stage and you can face the crowd and bobby ask her yeah come come right here help her on
00:38:57
this what's your name put your hand down what aaron karen nice to meet you nice to meet you
00:39:04
karen so would you [ __ ] mary kill which one would you [ __ ] marry or kill [ __ ] him god damn it this is great this is making my [ __ ] year
00:39:16
oh my god you don't know what this means to be you guys [Applause] go ahead marry him
00:39:31
thank you karen give it over karen that beautiful beautiful woman there oh god damn it yeah this is the best show we've ever done santino yeah i feel good
00:39:43
that's really the plug you want right there god i feel so good right now and i love you
00:39:48
i love how much it hurts him god damn say what you want to say bob say it well first of all i'm 50. you're 37 38. okay 38 has nothing to do
00:40:01
with it age has everything to do with you when you're 40 you're gonna play a clint eastwood
00:40:08
dude i just got stability from everybody [ __ ] yeah but what does that really say these two psychopaths nut backs now like this one seems like he's got a [ __ ] together
00:40:20
this guy will bring me coffee [ __ ] you all right raise your hand if you want to [ __ ] tom raise your hand if you like
00:40:26
look at all these people that want to [ __ ] you tom thank you thank you all right raise your hand if
00:40:32
you want to [ __ ] bobby why are these guys standing that guy is very excited to [ __ ] you that was the same guy that eat the worm
00:40:44
that that guy those are those guys are the irish kids are that the irish two yeah these guys came here from ireland
00:40:49
look at these scumbags i love these [ __ ] guys they came they flew here from ireland dude imagine [ __ ] bob that's such a
00:40:56
ride imagine what just [ __ ] you would be so wild why why [Laughter] you know i happen to feel like because i have a mirror by my bed why to watch my
00:41:09
moves oh my god right so every once in a while in my peripheral yeah is that how
00:41:14
you say it in my periphery yeah referral in my peripheral yes i can see my moves and i can say that
00:41:22
it's pretty [ __ ] sexy all right let me see no oh no no no no oh he's talking to her oh my god oh he
00:41:37
spits oh he spits right on her all right then he gets down and crouching panda crouching panda licky licky licky licky
00:41:50
as he oh wow wow [Applause] all right sit down luke hang cut it out hey man buffy has changed my life at
00:42:08
night because i told bob i sweat a lot when i sleep and i roll around and i get too hot and buffy no more night sweats
00:42:16
for your boy dude i haven't had night sweats in years since i've used a puffy respect the pores of my body have closed
00:42:23
up permanently so they're clogged yeah that's a good thing uh the breeze is a comforter made entirely from 100 eucalyptus fiber to
00:42:29
regular temperature and keep you cool we've talked about buffy on the show before and look it's it's 100 plant-based design it's breathable it
00:42:34
keeps you comfy at night uh eucalyptus fabric inside and out softer than cotton earth well when you gave me when i was
00:42:40
like um what what the hell is this and you're like trust me and i literally use it on my bed now and it's so there's so
00:42:47
much it's breathable yeah it does you don't feel like you're getting swallowed up it's hypoallergenic and it's high throughout
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00:44:10
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don't know if warby or parker did it but they both figured it out warby parker um they look cool the colors are really pretty uh they're well
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of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com friends all right my lord unbelievable i get it now i guess hey you got it i got it now yeah do you want to re-poll the [ __ ] marry
00:44:50
kills because that was pretty good that was good raise your hand if if anybody if that
00:44:56
changed your mind about what your vote was before in the back they changed their minds one guy yeah you came one
00:45:01
guy now is into it you saw it with your eyes [ __ ] yeah bro all right would you be a top or a bottom i'm generally a bottom but i could do top
00:45:13
you could top i've done it before i don't think you're i don't know i think you're bottom you're not bottom 90 of
00:45:19
the time but i can do top play how for how long what do you mean far along you don't last long on top dude 15 minutes
00:45:25
is that your window yeah really yeah how about you how about me what fifteen's actually pretty good how about you do you [ __ ] strong i [ __ ] real real real strong if you do please give this
00:45:43
example i gave you a [ __ ] example you give me an example [Applause] [Applause]
00:46:06
oh my god i gotta get into the scene so i'm gonna be at my makeup table i'm gonna take the makeup off
00:46:12
all right all right ready so just imagine there's a mirror here and i just got home i just got home from a long day at the office [Applause]
00:46:34
great [Applause] wow wow [Applause] that was aggressive bro i do not like press charges i know but
00:47:10
was it good that was really good really good oh [ __ ] that was really good i want to take two seconds right now and apologize
00:47:16
to tom i am sorry tom i'm so sorry sorry tom that's all good we are sorry this is really not okay for us to do
00:47:28
this to you that was uh who's gonna go to tom show tonight all these people give him some space yeah sorry tom sorry no that was uh i
00:47:45
honestly i really enjoyed both of your moves thank you is there a chance that you'd like to
00:47:51
show off your [ __ ] skills i'm uh i'm recovering from injuries though yeah we could both play the women there's two women
00:48:05
i think that's a hard no it's a hard note yeah yeah okay and i get it let's move on but i liked it i liked watching
00:48:10
your show it was very good thank you are you still doing the podcast with the bart yeah does he fly every week to austin you come back uh it's all in austin wow yeah that's is that that's
00:48:23
got to be tough schedule no i mean we record a few at a time so yeah you knock them out yeah yeah it is good to see you guys still working
00:48:29
and out we're bad friends is about to be over after the after cancun really this is the last show yeah you you you
00:48:36
[ __ ] me way too hard i [ __ ] you too hard i stayed is it fun to work with him
00:48:45
is it fun to work with me be honest uh all right you want a real honesty sometimes it's not about comedy sometimes we talk about real stuff all right i'll give you the most honest answer that i've that i'm being very
00:48:57
genuine uh in my 16 years of doing stand-up and comedy and television or whatever uh it's the most fun that i've ever had in my entire career
00:49:10
yeah not even close it's not even close i'm serious it's the most fun i've ever had in my entire life it's we get to be [ __ ]
00:49:23
we get to be the little children that we turn huh it's my turn all right thanks for letting me really hash it all out
00:49:30
there he wasn't done bob no no but to him i was when is it my turn it's your turn bob you want to go thank you yeah he wants to go up front
00:49:40
thank you thank you how do you feel about it thank you all right about 15 years ago i saw andrew santino
00:49:48
perform in the original room at the comedy store and when he asked me to do the podcast literally
00:49:55
it was like i was a native american and someone littered tears dripping out of my eyes and it's just thank you jesus so much
00:50:07
for introducing andrew into my life he's the greatest thing in the whole world give andrew santino applause what a
00:50:12
great guy he changed my life you changed my life thanks bob i can uh i can see why you guys are going to end things soon no it's been [ __ ] it's been an
00:50:25
amazing little ride that week do you do you fight with bird ever because we fight all the time we fight constantly
00:50:31
you never never fight we never fight about anything not that i can recall yeah you know what
00:50:36
i i can't see ever being in a spat with you i mean i don't fight a lot so no but i
00:50:42
mean like you got do you guys ever get into like little where it's like you know what it is for us as like coordination where like we're
00:50:48
both busy we're doing things and it's like it's hard for us to meet and so we fight about scheduling is a nightmare
00:50:54
yeah i mean not not really i mean no i mean you know when he went to serbia to shoot that movie that was uh obviously
00:51:01
really challenging to bring people in to fill all the time he was going to be gone but i just go like all right you're
00:51:07
shooting a movie so see how easy we need to be nicer to each other because you no see
00:51:13
right away no no no right away you're accusing right away because you you don't lead with you okay but can i get
00:51:19
one thing off my chest okay say die say i instead of you try go i go say i instead of you i am i yeah you no replace you with i i will not i you
00:51:32
right no you are a rage-a-holic no and very difficult to work with because you get angry a lot
00:51:39
see right look at look at look at his face who makes me angry yeah so it's your fault i know but i just need a little bit more compassion from you no why
00:51:50
because you don't get it you're just can you guys give us a minute [Laughter] this is good i really like this so why does he get so upset with you
00:52:03
because i don't show up on time sometimes sometimes i'm not wearing socks it bothers them or he just like won't answer texts about what we're supposed to be doing oh yeah or like that but
00:52:15
that's reasonable or we're supposed to go to universal studios to shoot a bit for the show and then i show up
00:52:21
and he's not there yeah i mean new york shooting something what are you shooting in new york that's more important than
00:52:26
[ __ ] what are you shooting in new york that's more important than bad friends don't phone can do this right now what are you shooting in new york that's more important than bad friends
00:52:32
[Music] what what i'm on sex in the city is it more important than bad friends no no but still cool
00:52:45
yeah but wait you didn't tell him you were not gonna be there what did you tell him you were yes i tell him before and everything right he just gets angry
00:52:52
tom did he tell me no george george was like george's like uh andrew um very nervous uh bobby's not gonna be there
00:53:03
but it's fine i just get hung out to drive let's do more [ __ ] stuff all right more [ __ ] stuff
00:53:10
we don't have any more [ __ ] we're not doing any more [ __ ] i don't wanna do it anymore i think the cancun people are not happy about it why are they mad
00:53:16
because i showed my butthole yeah are you being real no okay it doesn't matter bobby bobby gabe bobby's been giving away money to the staff here i don't know if the staff wants to make some money bobby gave a guy
00:53:28
40 to drive us from the hotel next door to right here in a golf cart so if anybody wants to make a quick couple thousand bobby's handed out money
00:53:42
forty dollars we went 17 feet i said you just have to tip him like five bucks forty dollars generous a little too much generous do
00:53:52
you give big tips are you always tipping big what i'm a really good tipper yeah are you a good dipper yeah yeah yeah
00:53:57
yeah in fact you know what i'll do you know what i'll do one time i i saw sebastian monoskalco
00:54:04
yeah and he's wearing these ugly italian shoes they were leather but you know you know how ninja shoes they have that
00:54:09
little gap yeah it was a dress shoe but they had that little ninja gap between the toe and the rest of the [ __ ]
00:54:15
yeah i go i'll give you 200 bucks i'm gonna buy them from you so i gave him 200 bucks he gave me his shoes and i
00:54:21
threw him in the dumpster i like it i'll do stuff like that too what were you doing with my jews
00:54:29
is there a staff you know what's so funny uh i think do you have any money in your pocket right now yeah why let's
00:54:35
give it away to a staff member well you made me promise you one thing in the elevator and what was it not give away not give away your shirt
00:54:50
all right my cash isn't there i'll go get it okay go get your cash and give it away to somebody [Applause]
00:54:58
[Music] that that woman right there yeah she has no idea why they're pointing at her this is [Applause] by the way she thinks this is like
00:55:10
insurrection she's like no no no all these white tourists like what a dangerous thing to do all right bob bob this lady right here has been serving this entire row
00:55:24
give your money to her please [Applause] very nice very nice [Applause] very nice all right sit down he's very nice bobby is very generous and always has
00:55:52
been a generous beautiful man that was really nice that was very sweet what was that three bucks what'd you give
00:56:02
let me ask you something tom let me ask you something okay because him and i talk about this all
00:56:07
the time about like you prefer podcasting and doing stand-up right but the acting stuff you're a good
00:56:15
actor i saw you in that one horror movie i really like doing it okay i really did that i swear to god i love that yeah yeah yeah right right so
00:56:21
he's a good actor but you prefer to do the other stuff whereas andrew and i really like acting i don't know why do you guys hate the
00:56:27
fact that we well yeah but we don't i don't prefer it i just we like it i know but it's like a lot of guys like joe
00:56:33
rogan and stuff they kind of yell at us joe's a bully yeah and and joe rogan won't go dude
00:56:39
bobby do whatever you want to do whatever makes you happy right that's what i've been doing yeah i've been
00:56:45
doing what makes me happy so that's good yeah i mean i like i like the acting too i do i think you're a good actor thanks man you all love me
00:56:58
do you think are you gonna still be able to carry on all these other shows are you just gonna do ymh like you used to do tom talks and espanol you're gonna do
00:57:04
well those i just do like uh honestly i just do them because i enjoy doing them yeah right so the stuff that has like
00:57:10
full ad schedules you can you you have to right like yeah so we do your mom's house two bears drew show uh christina's
00:57:18
show and then we have a show that we signed that we can't announce yet but like that'll be wait you have somebody new yeah oh
00:57:24
somebody knew can we let's just guess who do you think is signed oh yeah i guess yes all right
00:57:30
who do you think is new that they signed to their to the ymh network to podcast i don't know what's going on
00:57:35
do you not know what we're talking about buddy okay that's all right explain it to me do you want to sit this one out no no no i want to explain it to me
00:57:42
so so tom segura i know he doesn't think uh your mom's house is like no no just get
00:57:48
to the point yeah well they have a bunch of different shows on there yeah yeah and so they added someone new to this late that they're going to announce soon
00:57:53
we're going to guess who they added to their podcast world oh i see yeah okay so go ahead all right so a comedian
00:57:59
that's added to your podcast world okay add it to the podcast world yes that's a part of your family now there will be
00:58:05
okay um i know how about that little that little that little chubby gay kid that we used
00:58:11
to live in l.a but now he lives in austin oh oh oh oh you're talking about um uh uh dylan dylan dylan you used to work at the company yeah yeah yeah he has no idea who that is i don't know all right
00:58:22
give me a guess i hate this game go ahead um ken john no but it is a notable person so it's a good guess it is what a notable person
00:58:34
oh is it asian [ __ ] no no that's disgusting yeah no there can only be one thank you yeah it's you
00:58:45
what i'm your favorite asian you're what am i your favorite asian for sure 100 well no more than ken chung yes okay but not more than ali wong
00:58:56
ali wong does oh no really no no [ __ ] face really hey i am before was she's ahead of me was she
00:59:08
what was she what is she ahead of me in your eyes like do i like her more more than me i like her much more than you
00:59:14
but but you're my like you're right you're right there you know what i mean yeah where am i in your white guy [ __ ] hierarchy well you're not white you're hispanic correct
00:59:25
okay where am i so for number one probably carlos mencia one for sure okay number two um paul rodriguez okay for sure george
00:59:37
lopez for sure ooh fellaini jesus trail for sure felipe way ahead of you way ahead of you uh
00:59:44
gabriel gabriel iglesias yeah yeah that's four people yeah that's five people jesus trejo yeah
00:59:50
i already said it yeah yeah no you're in my top three hispanic people really yeah thanks man what do i rank in your whites
00:59:56
in terms of white people yeah for your whites you're probably number one on my list right now man really whoa
01:00:01
bro i'll tell you why because i i you guys don't know this but i'm going through a hard time i i'm always going through a
01:00:07
hard time yeah and you've been really helpful dude i love you i love you wow [Applause]
01:00:30
all right wait a minute imagine imagine imagine if i got canceled for that oh they're like where does he sit in your asian scale pretty high up there yeah
01:00:43
i think bobby is well i separated by so korean he is top korean top korean but there are some other japanese and chinese that really takes maybe one japanese uh uh roku or
01:00:57
or roku sudoku there's no roku you've never seen roku sudoku he ripped there's no roku
01:01:04
he is one of the funniest dudes i've ever seen do you know you guys know the comedian roku sudoku
01:01:13
he's good give me another asian guy that's better uh the cha there's a chinese guy ronnie chang ronnie chang
01:01:18
yeah ronnie chang [Applause] he's very funny very funny yeah and also likeable very likable you know there's a couple there's a couple of but you're the top korean noodle kadool do
01:01:31
you know noodle cadoodle she's good you're my best you're my best korean by far okay all right so how about this tom has almost little time left because he's gotta uh you know sell out a [ __ ]
01:01:44
arena next door so do they have that they have that um they have that crowd mic that they can do you guys have that crowd mike do we have the crowd mic so we can get a questions from the crowd george
01:01:56
get a couple cars from the crowd okay go ahead let's go tom big fan um so i just want to uh we're here too you know [Music]
01:02:08
jesus i wanted to i'm a big fan i watch every single podcast i swear to god okay so i wanted to know with all this uh climate and the
01:02:19
experience that you've had in cancun um what kind of glove would you uh recommend for this it's really good and also
01:02:30
where's the glove so really those are both those are good questions i i would say that number one
01:02:36
a beach glove is what i would wear in this oh beach gloves yeah like something you can shovel with you can also like
01:02:41
reach into the water you can knock the sand off of it the sand doesn't stick to it as much yeah so it's more like a latex but they're specifically either
01:02:48
beach gloves do you own beach gloves of course and then right the reason i'm not wearing a glove is
01:02:53
because customs of course customs [ __ ] customs they take your gloves all right that guy thank you for that question though good great question tom i have two questions first of all how
01:03:04
good is that up there to recreate good morning julia that is a fantastic background good morning julia a real
01:03:11
cool guy atmosphere yes and then second of all if you could bring anybody back from the dead why would you pick fat smoker
01:03:25
that's a it's a really impressive question do you want me to break it down for you no yeah i understand you understood that
01:03:36
oh man fat smoker i mean you know you're irish but you understand that he represents all americans and um
01:03:45
he was fighting to keep the [ __ ] peace and to push out all the fake bad cops that were stealing and and corrupt
01:03:53
and you know it's like there's only one [ __ ] jfk and there's only one herc news fed smoker so
01:04:00
you know long live the meth king [Applause] all right tom i'm also a big fan bobby or andrew who do you like more and why
01:04:11
oh who do you like more out of us yeah i mean that's an aggressive question it's andrew and i'll tell you why um
01:04:20
he answers me when i text when i call he doesn't just leave me hanging he wakes up before 4 p.m you know
01:04:28
but you but you do like me but like you said number one korean number one doesn't that feel good i like you even more than grandma kim and she makes the best
01:04:41
bulgogi and the best calobi and the best uh sundo and i put you ahead of her and you've never even [ __ ] cooked for me so
01:04:47
that's huge you're the most rocking korean i know let's move on all right look at is that george interviewing george yes [Applause] two [ __ ] white nerds stick it this is
01:04:59
awesome he's one of the most handsome guys so far uh this question is for daddy la lagon uh
01:05:06
so the last place my mother was seen about two years ago was at a garth brooks concert and we haven't seen her since do you think i'll ever get closure
01:05:16
of course not thank you she's buried somewhere in oklahoma pal i'm sorry to navigate away from bad friends but tom has christina navigated
01:05:32
towards your scrum at all have you gotten any scrum looking let's scrum it up christina
01:05:38
she's disappointed me in that regard in every way um you know i've been trying things
01:05:44
working out more eating clean waxing very good by the way thanks thank you doing good
01:05:50
after stevo's show the other day i know a lot of buttholes are hair free so i want to see yours as well
01:05:56
all right lady he's married so [ __ ] land the plane a little bit my uh my butthole is not hair free and
01:06:04
it is not appetizing i admit that i would not i would not eat my own ass i wouldn't eat your ass no you wouldn't i just wouldn't but what have you loved me
01:06:15
no yeah that's where you poop out of i wouldn't do it guys poop how much money like how much money would you offer me to eat your butthole 300 bucks
01:06:27
no oh no 500 grand a grand yeah uh okay okay have you had your buddy yeah yeah yeah my butt's good no you've had
01:06:39
your your ass eaten before it's not good it's enough it's not a fresh product but it's been done like yesterday when i
01:06:46
was two days ago when i showed you my poo oh wait i came to the door oh i knocked on the door because we're supposed to go do something together and there's no answer
01:06:58
and so i knock harder and then he goes bathroom and i said come on i want to clean the
01:07:05
room and then he goes go away and i said you want me suck your little beautiful pee pee and then he gets up off the toilet i can hear him get up off the tour because when he gets up it's like
01:07:17
the [ __ ] weight of the toilet like eased up a little suction action and he [ __ ]
01:07:23
who was that that was insane yeah his royal blackness in the am i neo no you're not [ __ ] neo i get up off he gets up on the toilet he
01:07:43
comes the front door and he's he's in his underwear looking down at me and i'd say bob we got to go and then he puts
01:07:48
his hand out and it's toilet paper and there's [ __ ] on it oh that's what he is
01:07:53
[Applause] thank you for being a big friend goodbye good night thank you guys one more time [Applause]
01:08:08
[Music] yes [Music] bye