00:00:00
I had no important for like two years I've made since I was 19 and I'm 23 now and my brother was on tumblr cuz he was
00:00:07
going through and he literally thought [Music] [Music] so do you wanna you want to start the podcast telling people that you don't care that you hit my wife's car last
00:00:48
week well I mean um you could be anybody's car I wouldn't give a fig it's you hit my you hit my wife's give a [ __ ] and instinct any guess what dude how much do I owe her 15 grand
00:01:02
I'll give it the 15 grand well then give it to me cash it doesn't cost 15 ground yes it does you know you have no idea
00:01:07
what to call it what does it call you annoyed you what you know what's cost 15 grand well that's stupid haircut that you have 15 grand you think my haircut
00:01:13
cost fit yeah it's so fancy is that like you're doing leave it to beaver kind of thing with the not cor it's not leave it to beaver you have a nutty heart it is a
00:01:19
little bit of enough it's a little Hitler Youth yeah yeah someone has to be tidy on this podcast Wow I'm gonna be
00:01:25
nice and tidy uh-uh look dude I do not appreciate you hit my wife's card you don't give a [ __ ] at all you don't even ask me then ask me
00:01:32
if I give a [ __ ] do you give [ __ ] yeah Bob I know you don't hurt no she's not hurt dude you
00:01:38
see no one was in the car I know she thought you hit a parked car while you were parking means nothing to me needs
00:01:47
zero that's all [ __ ] up when you want I could out of you're my friend right okay and I want to be completely like
00:01:53
upfront and honest with you yeah I literally don't feel anything but you say I'm sorry no Bob you know how many
00:02:01
times you've hurt me not I haven't hit your car I know you physically hurt my [ __ ] vessel I've hurt your body my
00:02:08
vessel i underst your body spacesuit that's not a that's not a vessel it is where does my soul live in my vessel you think you've got a soul it's not small very let me tell you
00:02:21
something your vessel can be hid and I incurred little damage over the years you hid my wife's car you didn't even care at all you didn't even say I'm
00:02:27
sorry and I see here my wife's car and you said what I don't care how am I going to say I don't care I said I don't
00:02:32
give I said like this I don't give I don't know that's Stephen Hawking robot you don't oh yeah I don't keep a part
00:02:47
this is what you're doing hey give a for I don't give a [ __ ] how much you think it costs to fix a bumper I don't know
00:02:55
two grand okay okay give me two grand I will perfect I won't why will you just said you're right refuse okay let it go let it go yeah I'm
00:03:09
gonna make your deal yeah make me a deal I'm not big a deal I'm we just say something okay say something all right I purposely hit your wife stupid [ __ ]
00:03:17
car and there's no feeling behind I know and I don't give a [ __ ] I know I know and that's the honest truth
00:03:22
I'm not gonna give you any money no I know no apology I know you get nothing from yeah I get it right you can hit
00:03:28
mine all day long yeah I don't want to hear carcasses a priest it's already a piece of [ __ ] I don't need getting a piece of [ __ ] doesn't make it worse it's
00:03:34
just it just continues it's piece of [ __ ] Ness yeah if I hit your car with my nice car what does have time for me my car's nice
00:03:40
you're a piece of [ __ ] York your car is you by the way you know when red-headed people was filled with a redheaded theme
00:03:46
I was like [ __ ] they don't do the face as well you want to do the face as well the red face yeah I'm gonna do the red
00:03:52
face God don't get up don't get upset with me because the way I look cuz I don't get upset with you by the way you
00:03:57
look I look good no you don't for my type what do you think you are on a scale of one to ten what's the acuteness and if you run hot
00:04:06
or not calm bro I have facts to prove that I'm Cuba really dude when I give it to me when I was on that monkey show yeah I was on a monkey show called animal practice for about ten fifteen
00:04:20
minutes I remember it Oh 13 episodes no it was a really good show was written extremely well you wouldn't liked it everybody wants it to come back yeah right so once you guys say about your nightly show mixed drinks
00:04:31
or whatever that was at least I got at least I got to work with Larry Charles oh and I've done work with him as well I know but who did you work with on that a monkey show who directed me so brothers
00:04:44
okay are they bigger than the guy who did Borat or the Russo brothers begin the guy they did boy we did Avengers end game yeah let me see the parallel of
00:04:55
comedy for the monkey show between Avengers are dealing all right let's George you be the deciding factor at in
00:05:02
terms of money making in terms of natural impact I'm saying Avengers endgame or Borat
00:05:07
I love Borat it was one of my favorite comedy movies of all time not money I was also in The Dictator you Mary
00:05:13
Charles anyway going yeah you were in The Dictator yeah we were Kim Jong no that was the interview you were Kim Jong
00:05:20
hoon no dictator was super Sacha Baron Cohen wait no no you were Kim Jong Il where's Randall Park that was all he's
00:05:25
great I love that guy all right he's one of my favorite Asian and I love Ron Howard he's one of my favorites he should be he's an iconic person who was
00:05:32
an Andy Griffith as Opie Taylor and then went on to be one of the greatest characters of all time in Happy Days okay let me ask you something George in
00:05:39
terms of culture and plaque impact impact and game or Borat yes Borat 100% my wife who quotes Avengers give me one quote line from Avengers
00:05:53
endgame don't go in the building [Laughter] metaphor for Fox eyes Holt metaphor for the time he did that go go go yeah it
00:06:10
was Bobby where have you been by the way tell everyone you've been in Hawaii I haven't yeah I was in Hawaii what were
00:06:16
you doing in Hawaii um well as you know my dad died no that is that was not why you went to [ __ ] Hawaii yes no it's not that okay alright a lot of people's
00:06:29
dads are dead I okay your dad not literally but metaphorically yeah you don't know how it feels so say yes I do that your dad died your dad hasn't died my dad's not dead
00:06:40
but I don't know him that well did he abandon you yeah I'm so happy about that yeah I know yeah why do you when I was in Hawaii can I explain yeah please so the first leg of Hawaii I had to shoot um I react on a
00:06:56
show tell him what the Travis called magnum p.i Mike laughing no it's a great show right I know that mixed nuts the show that you were on not even on it anymore was eight years ago go ahead okay so and then um I'm laughing because
00:07:09
I think it's funny you're on do you know do you know the cultural relevance of the original magnum p.i or no I have no
00:07:14
idea what it is no the original magnum p.i no do you know there was one before the one you're doing right now I just
00:07:20
found that out yes holy [ __ ] do you know who the star was Tommy Sarlacc Tom's Tommy Sal I'm so Alec Tom Selleck Tom Selleck mustachioed man of the 80s and
00:07:31
90s and then there was a helicopter black man what it was a man in the original Oh was a black guy rode the helicopter sure and that's all I know let's not talk about helicopters and
00:07:43
black guys right now that's a very weird that's you that's a bad I didn't know what you were talking about when you
00:07:48
said that was my Ari Shaffir Joe that was good it was great yeah you did a great job I know so then I let me finish
00:07:55
though so I didn't bag them and then um my mother's never gone anywhere in the world except for Korea in the United States she's never been to Europe no my mother never my mother took care of my
00:08:07
dad for the last 12 years see he was really sick prior to that though she never got anywhere but I'm asking why
00:08:14
not because um she just didn't want to and my dad is not a traveler he doesn't give a [ __ ] and so they just never went anywhere now your dad can go wherever he wants yeah he can float there do you
00:08:26
believe what goes loads he floats underground you think your dad's in hell I don't know man he wasn't a spiritual
00:08:33
guy no no but anyway might know he wasn't really no he didn't go to church no my
00:08:40
dad was um a rageaholic you already know this he I know yeah he's a bat he was like I love um but he was uh just a really Rea too much yeah okay so go on
00:08:51
so then I went to Hawaii because and then at the tail end of it my mom flew to Maui how nice you know we stayed at the Grand Wailea one of the best hotels in Hawaii
00:09:03
hotel and we did a lot of eating and traveling around and she really loved it she's never seen a waterfall before really yeah that's and that what was that like to feel her watch a waterfall
00:09:14
for the first time was that really did that really like was that really a moving moment from you huh yeah because
00:09:20
it didn't happen yet weird to talk about something that didn't happen yet doesn't matter they don't know that we didn't do this yet I know but it's like what if something happened in Hawaii where I was
00:09:33
thinking like you know my mom didn't have a good time well let's try to predict how it went all right I'm your mom I'm listening now
00:09:39
let's just say anybody listening right now we're taping this early cause Bobby's going to Hawaii to shoot a bunch of magnum p.i episodes and I told him
00:09:44
not to do it but it's [ __ ] up the release of the show anyway let's pretend that we're in Hawaii it is what's gonna happen yeah I'm your mother yeah and you're you
00:09:51
and we're seeing a waterfall for the first time ready yeah yeah I'm your [ __ ] mom oh are you oh that's the waterfall what do you why did you think Bob you're pissing in this
00:10:03
because I'm Who am I would let this give me back up your Bobby Lee who else are you supposed to be in this [ __ ] scenario I don't know there's other people going there's two characters in this scene you and your [ __ ] mom
00:10:18
uh-huh which one do you think you should be well which one do you think you think I'm closely I think I'm better
00:10:25
understand the character of Bobby Lee you're right do you would you like to be your mother and I'll be you yeah okay
00:10:32
let's do that let's roleplay okay here we go all right the waterfall to do this I'm sound I'm Bobby Lee I want to do the
00:10:39
ma'am Mandy do you like waterfall have you ever seen before exactly what you sound like Matt Matt don't like water fun I really sound like that you sometimes you yeah okay mom how do you like the waterfall
00:10:52
he okay you don't like too much let go back Hotel why I pad oh okay well water he waterfall here first time for you all right you're doing a dad fan impression no I'm
00:11:09
not you're doing it dad fan all right I'll be you I'll be Bobby right mom why don't you listen why don't you move this
00:11:14
out okay why don't you like the waterfall mom I'm being you but I'm just why don't time that me now oh [ __ ] Bobby just waterfall
00:11:28
crazy how is it the same do you want you me ma'am ma'am you like the water power okay do my mom Bobby dish a waterfall
00:11:46
yeah I don't want to do this waterfall game anymore alright fine we won't do any particulates all right so yeah for
00:11:52
the fans that want to know yeah Bobby's in Hawaii shooting so that's why we had to come we have it so here's the thing we haven't gone to who I haven't gone
00:11:59
who I yet three days ago the Orisha everything happened we're taping this episode prior to the release yes it did happen yeah yeah the Ari Shaffir thing the Kobe Bryant thing happened because I don't know I don't know where else to
00:12:12
talk about it you could talk about it now talk about it now yeah unless you talked about it on belly or you're gonna
00:12:17
talk about him I haven't talked about it on belly well then don't talk about on there if you're gonna talk about I'm not gonna talk about on that so what do you want to say go ahead you did say before
00:12:23
the episode for the people at home Bobby said I really want to talk about I said this episode another thing here's the thing okay yes that people threatening
00:12:30
his life is crazy number one you're not gonna no one's gonna do anything yeah he's getting death threats right yes
00:12:36
he's getting death threats from people no one's gonna do anything number two people saying yo dude you're
00:12:43
a goof you're not funny you know what I'm tired of is when people comment I get it sometimes when
00:12:48
they go you're not funny it's like I am right of course we all are because it's it's impossible to get to where we are without going through 10,000 obstacles
00:13:01
right right being vetted showcases you know I mean just cause you can't get to the place that you're physically at without any Talent yeah because these people are insecure
00:13:12
they're they have their own [ __ ] issues Yeah right so so I wanted to say this before you continue real fast
00:13:17
somebody told me that Ice Cube retweeted or put Instagram Ahri's video and now I can't
00:13:24
find it did you hear this no but I know that Rappaport did it well rap did it and then here was the
00:13:30
other thing that happened with it a lot of people kept saying look at this racist piece of [ __ ] yeah and a lot of like a lot of dudes on Twitter a lot of
00:13:36
black dudes were like race is racing it was really funny to me cuz I was like you could you could say a lot of other things this wasn't him being racist it's
00:13:43
him just making a [ __ ] yeah a shitty Twitter joke or Instagram you could have been a white basketball player it rarely
00:13:50
though by the way yeah that doesn't happen much they can't afford helicopters white basketball player is kind of an
00:13:56
oxymoron I mean there's a couple it's like chambers from the Phoenix Suns do you remember him well what who there was
00:14:02
a white guy named chambers chambers what now well [ __ ] no there was another guy
00:14:09
[ __ ] Chamberlain over there back no those are two guy named chambers Bobby if you're looking for a white guy at this place I want to look it up now yes
00:14:18
Phoenix Suns chambers this is insane yeah just let's just google it well I got it here put your phone down yo who is there a guy named there chambers yeah Tom Chambers yeah Wow how do you
00:14:32
know that that's insane for you what cuz you're so bad at stuff like that because my brother used to have this NBA game
00:14:38
and he hit Tom Chambers or somebody that was on the GAC then back in the day he did this move I just remember and then
00:14:45
eise's the last night Tom Chambers he played he was an American basketball a white huh there we go
00:14:51
Larry Bird white yeah none of these guys play anymore can you name me one white guy in the NBA that plays right now yeah
00:14:57
um this isn't sniffing Blake Griffith or Eric Griffin Blake I think Blake Griffin
00:15:04
Griffin is not white he's half white there's no he's not black yes he is there's something going on yeah he's half white head but there's also some redheaded thing going on like he's like
00:15:16
mixed with Sinbad I thought you were like a carrot top II kind of uh that's his eye that's his white hat oh so probably his white half was redhead some
00:15:30
freaky red and I wish they were Irish yeah and then the black was probably like some weird black and then they mixed
00:15:35
what do you mean weird I mean like a Delroy Lindo black you know I mean am i digging a hole yeah no I don't think that's racist what I'm saying no I guess not yeah it's up to you all right Tom Chambers Tom Chambers
00:15:50
was a first-round draft pick yeah I know he wasn't Jerry 81 for the very good at what he did you know who selected him who your hometown Phoenix Suns your
00:15:58
hometown sandy San Diego clippers oh the Clippers were at San Diego won't the San Diego clippers in 1980 go back
00:16:05
to Ari or no yeah let's talk about it so when they say um the death threats that's crazy
00:16:11
no month you're right you can't say you're not funny anyway or you know it's like that doesn't make any sense but
00:16:18
what do you think what he said was funny let's clarify that do you think what he said no you know no I could so dynein I
00:16:26
need a switch or an obvious punch line or something clever so here's my point real quick not to cut you off the reason
00:16:32
that they're saying you're not funny isn't because they don't think his collective whole career is now they're saying that isn't that what they're saying I'm saying that Bobby they don't
00:16:39
know who he is so when they just see him for the first time they go you're not funny cuz that's not funny yeah that's what they're saying oh I see so you said it's not
00:16:45
funny okay go ahead and I thought it was um you know the reason why you think that tragedy plus time you know I say
00:16:53
that yes that that was been said since the vaudeville days right it's like you have vetted thing it's something that is truthful it's one of those that you know
00:17:04
it's like you gotta let you I can do i do Pearl Harbor jokes but this is 70 years past right do you think it was 70 years ago in the 1940s or whatever okay
00:17:14
when did it happen no I just wanted to make sure you knew your timeline we've done it what because you're trying to you know what you're trying to do we've
00:17:21
done timelines before I know but you're trying to insult me and ridicule me I'm not at all you're setting it up like do
00:17:26
you even know there's what you do do you know and if I see it wrong you go idiot I know I would never say idiot I've
00:17:32
never called you an idiot not once I know but you think it may be yeah so go ahead it's it so you think you think not enough time had passed he did it the same day it happened he did it probably hours after it happened you know I just
00:17:44
think that when children children involved yeah and innocent people are involved families are being ripped apart I can't imagine what these people are
00:17:56
going through right it's a nightmare yeah it's so it's awful yeah and so the timing was super bad and also the rape
00:18:05
thing is um it's not as if Kobe Bryant is systematically a rapist right it was one incident if it was Bill Cosby yes would he systemic right what did he do I
00:18:17
don't remember but that's something right did he get I don't think he didn't do anything yeah he drugged women and
00:18:23
that one woman that I don't know yeah yeah yeah yeah are you thinking of Michael Jackson no no Bill Cosby
00:18:29
what did Jackson do meet a great music she did for hymns calm for him 66% of men start to lose their hair but the age of 35 you know that Andrew less than that dude I started to lose my hair way less than that what you've been sitting
00:18:50
your hair it can be too late it's almost always too late yeah it's thinning slowly zand moving backwards any bald
00:18:55
spots is that hair lies slowly starting to move backwards are there any bald spots just said that I know I'm sorry
00:19:00
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00:19:16
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00:19:21
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00:19:36
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code bad friends thank you anyway yeah you think because it involved children it's like prison rules that's what I
00:23:13
said to somebody prison rules no no women and children type of [ __ ] right yeah if you kill a woman in a kit or
00:23:18
rape them in prison they kill you they [ __ ] but if you kill a guy or a adult male people are like who cares yeah so
00:23:25
you think the children on board escalated it to a point for you where you're not comfortable so he just and also so the rape thing is one thing it's
00:23:32
allegations right he got acquitted in the rape crying acquitted right yeah yeah you got acquitted and so um you
00:23:39
can't you really use that as well like hahaha a rapist died we don't know yeah I don't
00:23:46
know well if Cosby died you go hahaha a rapist died yeah he was he's been cuz it
00:23:51
he's been convicted of rape not only that it's twenty thirty forty women right out of the woodwork yep coming out
00:23:58
yep it's same with um Harvey Weinstein right right hand so you can make that joke of course but with Kobe you can and he's also a good father it's not just me
00:24:09
saying and it's like everyone is that that's something that you know on a personal level or that you show I mean you can just tell sure right just
00:24:17
through just the photos in itself like I I don't disagree with you I'm just being
00:24:22
playing devil's advocate we I don't know what kind of guy he was I don't know his character I never knew him on a personal level I assume from the public eye in
00:24:28
the your perception of who he was I think he was a cool great dude I also don't know dude I don't know that [ __ ] one weird
00:24:35
thing that he does that I was just like what well he come on hasn't talked to his parents he hasn't talked to his parents for many many years you know that for a fact yeah I do why didn't he talk to his
00:24:48
parents because they sold a half a million dollars with a memorabilia oh right I do remember this yeah yeah they
00:24:55
sold and they just cut them off it's like who gives a [ __ ] right here so doesn't give his sister's money or
00:25:00
anything that you use like they they're smart girls they can handle themselves or whatever there's some truth in this yeah he has that mentality which i think
00:25:05
is a little weird but other than that that still doesn't make him a bad guy does make you a bad guy yeah yeah I mean
00:25:10
you didn't talk you didn't talk to members of your family I my brother Steve I will take care of for the rest
00:25:17
of my life if when it comes to my blood yeah I've been sending my parents a lot of money from the last 20 years
00:25:24
yeah every junk piece of money that I make goes to my family right and I will take care of my family I take care of my own that's my I understand yeah I'm also saying I don't know I don't know the
00:25:37
content of Kobe's character based on anything other than what I've seen in the media it doesn't it doesn't mean I'm saying the joke was justified I just
00:25:45
don't I don't know I don't care I didn't care I don't care about Kobe enough to understand if that's relevant or not my
00:25:50
point is he has a hidden rage because yeah the [ __ ] out of me you know that well yeah a lot of people know that but
00:25:58
it's something that well you want to tell the story you know I don't want to tell the story I'm okay I just I don't like your oh yeah well it's a common
00:26:05
thing people know that Ari yeah but you always say it made me seem like a lot of people want to beat me up or something I well I wouldn't say a lot of people I
00:26:12
said there's a few people that don't want to hear in the [ __ ] face really you know who I'm talking about and that's exactly why I want to even bring
00:26:18
that up so tell me who wants to beat me in the punch me in the face and you want me to say it oh yeah why you and we
00:26:24
could cut it out if we're not gonna cut it out go ahead you know no tell me I don't know I don't want to do this I'm not gonna say who wants to be you enough no I just do what you able cut it I would you do it I want to know oh yeah
00:26:40
yeah yeah yeah he'd say his name Kevin chef [ __ ] hates your [ __ ] guts you you think that he hates my guts
00:26:47
you guys we've done this before I'm just saying you think I think that he is one
00:26:52
of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life sure I know we've done this before Mike what my point is there are people don't hit you in the [ __ ] face
00:26:58
okay oh yeah for no reason sure it happens all the time yeah okay and I know people who want to punch you in the
00:27:03
face yeah you want to call them out do it no I don't want to go ahead move on no you no you [ __ ] move on
00:27:19
so look have you said anything to Ari no I wanted to do you you don't plan on it too you know did you text anybody about it oh yeah you didn't text me we call we
00:27:33
talk to called you we talked on the phone it was it look I talked to Kevin Christy about it hmm I talked to who did What did he say what
00:27:44
you you know it's it's it's it's sensitive because I do love Ari so do I yeah so it doesn't change the fact that we're talking about what happened yes so there is I you know I do
00:27:55
love them but um you know it's like when my dad my dad one time almost killed one
00:28:02
of my cousins on purpose yeah holy [ __ ] why because my cousin didn't say hello to him now that makes sense my dad he what my cousin was 12 though and my dad took his head mm-hmm and did
00:28:16
muy Thai knees to his face like 20 times dope and then when my cousin we call him
00:28:22
Hong Kong don't know yeah which is [ __ ] brother don't young mean [ __ ] brother
00:28:27
yeah yeah so [ __ ] brother his head flew back and I remember his face just being
00:28:33
split open oh and just blood gushing out and I just remember what color is you guys his blood yellow go you remember his face split open away alien blood it
00:28:45
burns it burns yeah what happened what happened he's face split open and what anyway I remember the ambulance coming
00:28:51
this and that and I remember looking at my dad and so it's like I do love dad but when he acts like that yeah when
00:28:57
he used to act like that it's like what do you do well what do you do what do you do
00:29:03
no nothing I do nothing so do you just gonna let this thing pass and let it die out yeah I will never bring it up never
00:29:08
right yeah we will you know like if you saw you wouldn't bring it up no no just cuz I don't know what why do I care I'm sorry yeah I don't care okay
00:29:15
I treat that like you treat my wife's car yeah yeah you don't everybody everyone would treat your my wife's car
00:29:21
the way I treated your wife's Connor people don't just hit other people's cars nobody does that but that's the
00:29:26
problem with the United States I think that's the problem with us that's the problem with United States I'll tell you
00:29:32
why okay how stereotypical to be a bad Asian driver it's almost like you are in a bad agent the reason why is because I have Asian mentality which is what I don't give a [ __ ] no no it's not what it is dude you don't [ __ ] get it what is
00:29:45
it I'm gonna explain it to you [ __ ] [ __ ] mm-hmm all right is is that have you ever been to Bangkok or Asia or look
00:29:53
right not Japan I've been to Japan but not not in Japan because it's more like you guys it's good yeah go ahead but
00:30:03
it's like you know in Bangkok for instance right you get a fender-bender right they'll stick their heads out of
00:30:08
the car see if there's no smoke and if there's no smoke they go okay move on have a good day you okay go hey there's no like getting to the side of the road
00:30:20
and it's a dent who gives a [ __ ] but they pee in the United States right you get a little school I get you I want
00:30:26
time key to Porsche why the show that's showing up the engine that's so [ __ ] up no but to me I have Asian mentality so I keyed it and then I heard the guy didn't even never knew it was me but he
00:30:39
put fliers around who keyed my car right and all that stuff and I giggle you don't mean me but it's like I don't give
00:30:46
a [ __ ] you over there the car moves I know but that's someone look at my car look at my Prius it's someone's property
00:30:52
I bang it against [ __ ] I don't give a [ __ ] that's cuz you don't care other people I care I think I don't think
00:30:57
anyone should care I'm gonna come to your house into a rock to your window do you care yeah that's different why how
00:31:02
still works if cars no it doesn't because the house is supposed to protect you from the elements
00:31:08
there's a window when there's a crack in the window it doesn't protect you okay what if a tsunami goes through that little I'm gonna throw a poop on your
00:31:14
I'm gonna throw poop at your house for the next couple of days straight there's gonna be poop everywhere that's fine do that okay yeah then I'm gonna throw poop
00:31:20
on your property oh okay you want the reaction you're gonna okay so so when you hit someone they should be allowed
00:31:25
to just hit you back yeah what do you mean you like my car um you know I'm gonna hit you I'm gonna hit your next week I'm gonna hit your car with my
00:31:31
wife's car again and I'm gonna hit your device car again it'll be fun because I you're gonna care I'm not gonna care you know it's gonna happen you know I want
00:31:37
to do it seriously what whatever money we make from the first month of the show yeah I want to buy two cars and I want
00:31:44
to get in it and hit each other with it as hard as we can that's right on the street fast that's fine and George is gonna be and George will be in the
00:31:50
middle of the cars yeah but you understand my mentality when I get it I get it I think it's [ __ ] up but I totally get it
00:31:55
it's that [ __ ] up it's it's honestly the truth no it's your it's your version of what's okay it doesn't mean it's everyone's version of what's okay yeah
00:32:01
but whatever their business when you stood you have your stolen from a grocery store have you ever taken a food I don't because that's wrong why is that
00:32:07
wrong because it's somebody's property exactly Robert right it's somebody else's property right you damaged my property it's wrong yeah but it's it's
00:32:19
not like the store is moving around right trying to get around other stores it's a matter of our it's a [ __ ]
00:32:25
metaphor the store isn't on wheels it's not moving through the streets dude okay Vons des isn't on roller skates it's a
00:32:31
[ __ ] stable place that's someone's property that if I took from you'd say it's wrong okay let me make an
00:32:36
adjustment then please make an adjustment I already said please okay accidentally I didn't purposely hit your
00:32:44
wife's car it seemed like it all right look I want a Wii so I tweeted about um we're gonna take a phone call cuz I really want to do this because I want to see what people say I said to people
00:32:58
we're gonna take a phone call we want to pick at random I'm gonna pick three names but what are we talking them about
00:33:04
that's they're gonna be the best part we're gonna grill them we're gonna grill them about life I'm gonna pick I'm gonna
00:33:09
pick three names you're gonna tell me which one you like the most Steve bliss yuck
00:33:14
[Laughter] [Music] Isaac beak okay Chloe Casey let's do that that girl Chloe Casey go girl okay we'll do Chloe Casey all right Chloe we're gonna call Chloe Casey we're gonna see
00:33:32
what she FaceTime or maybe it's he have to say we're now we're gonna call right now of Chloe's a guy oh that's gonna be
00:33:38
fun already we're calling right now okay we're set up George you better be here we go you should be able to hear this in your headphones any minute now oh you hear it you good yeah Shh come on
00:34:01
this is insane like hello hello hello you [ __ ] up you [ __ ] up Chloe Chloe wait no no way we
00:34:19
know where Chloe get your [ __ ] together hey Chloe Chloe Chloe don't ever talk to
00:34:44
us that way don't ever talk to me that's insane don't want move that again Chloe
00:34:50
where are you right now where are you I am in gone down there for shows is that a good place that's where a cot there's a college there do you know what college is there no hmm was it good what city is
00:35:05
it though it's called college stations that's the city oh is it near Houston or the big one it's not the worst city are
00:35:11
you a student Chloe yeah she goes that's what that oh yeah I've heard of that what you're a big orange right they're Orange um the football team has an
00:35:22
orange I guess everything is burnt and it's kind of like brown and orange it's red really oh really
00:35:29
yeah Bobby's colorblind what's your major all right teach us something good give us something give us a psychological review of our friendship go ahead go
00:35:43
ahead honestly I could not do that because I don't yeah all right well Khloe but
00:35:56
Khloe are you in a relationship Khloe why because you're damaged are you damaged I are you damaged wait Khloe
00:36:24
Khloe is it because you know do you have daddy issues yes what happened years ago
00:36:43
so didn't really work out that whole situation yeah I'm open for love I'm not gonna not gonna let that define me you know well you know what Khloe you shouldn't and we love you we want it we want to let you know Bobby and I both
00:37:01
love you very much and you're gonna get through it because Bobby also went through something like that recently yeah my dad died in August yeah his dad
00:37:06
died she knows she's a fan she knows your dad everyone is your [ __ ] dad's dead might as well we're sure okay dope
00:37:12
Khloe let me tell you something we love you you are gonna find love I want to say this to everybody out there her name
00:37:17
is Chloe Casey she's in College Station Texas her phone number of course as we always do on the show love you so much
00:37:28
Chloe kissy Kissy bye baby she was great is that her number really mm-hmm you gotta you can't do that yes again yes I can yes I can to cut that out right rate his country in the world I can do whatever I [ __ ] want this
00:37:40
isn't Korea dude I can do whatever I want here yeah I've never anyway um I imagine her imagine imagine it's the
00:37:47
saddest thing in the world she really imagined lay up imagine if she was cooking with a dude and he died too then
00:37:53
at that Bob but no but then at that point you would just be like yeah yeah cat lady yes yeah you want to do one
00:38:02
more let's do another one yeah all right I'm gonna find a point though to what we do have a point what is the point
00:38:07
we're trying to find out who they are and what they're doing and why they love us yeah I needed to see their faces though well do but if you want to bring
00:38:13
enough to face what it's Chloe yeah what does Chloe's face look we're gonna have to face time next time cuz we're gonna have to find a way to do it so we don't
00:38:18
have our [ __ ] number can we do that there's got to be a way away all right how about Elton Roberts no or AJ Hines
00:38:25
Kelsey Harrington because Theo von Theo von has I screen they're very technolog yeah but they have a techno when I say we're working on it I mean I'm [ __ ] working on over the gorge yeah you've been fingering your little [ __ ]
00:38:37
butthole your little dumpling a butthole how about Marco Penndel yes do that love
00:38:44
Mexicans yeah Marco pinedo baignade let's look at look at all get raesha look at this guy though look at this guy
00:38:49
really look at hey Marco I'm gonna call out Marco Marco I said hey email us your number he just wrote call me I know your
00:38:57
[ __ ] number you dumb [ __ ] oh come on dude what are you doing you dork so he's not he's out no he's out I don't have
00:39:03
his [ __ ] number let's call somebody here we go here's one here's one Gustavo Robles I love we love it dude we love
00:39:09
these kind of guys here we go we're calling him right now this is Gustavo Robles Gustavo or Robles what do you think he's from
00:39:28
Brown itself Sal deep south your call has been nine five one four five oh no we can't
00:39:41
put his number on the that was gonna say his number out loud we could you beep it out yeah we don't need to we don't need
00:39:47
to he doesn't deserve to get a message from us he didn't answer his phone I said be ready how about how about we do
00:39:52
this how about we do someone you want another girl you like girls don't you know the girls either Dawson Bailey or
00:39:58
Jessica Kay let's go Jessica okay you like that huh yeah yeah okay here oh look at this
00:40:04
why are you calling back no no she goes my number is blank um I'm kind of like um kind of interesting I do porn and I
00:40:09
love comedy you should call me I'm a huge fan all right I'll call Jessica Kay let's do the Mexican thing done still oh just for
00:40:15
Jessica Jessica Jessica gay okay here we go this is Jessica Kay she says she does porn and she's a fan of us both and she
00:40:29
wants to okay my fear is people don't want to answer unknown numbers doesn't really matter do you really think these people think I was gonna call them from our real [ __ ] number maybe it's
00:40:43
restricted hey how are you are you doing you know who this is yes you're doing or go Raiders go [Laughter]
00:41:04
Jessica who is this where do you live [Music] there hippie style there is yeah is there a burning man up there - yep there
00:41:20
is yeah it's a ball it's called burning them burnings a hey Jessica are you are you
00:41:28
really into are you really a porn star I am yes I mean I'm not like big-time or anything I'm mostly a can model but yeah I do it full-time Jessica Kay point cam modeling job
00:41:40
that's right that's your full-time gig yeah Wow how do they find you how do they find
00:41:45
you how do they find your uh your videos or ha I don't know work because I'm Christian but well my
00:41:52
Twitter is just out just to catch a BDSM but I'm pretty shot up and on there because they hate sex workers so otherwise defined me is like my which is
00:42:04
just really easy to find Jessica we're looking at your vagina is very pretty that's cool you know like nice and
00:42:17
everything yeah yeah you [ __ ] you shave as well it looks like what's inside of their chest yet yeah that's come I do
00:42:23
you let people come inside you not generally no oh okay maybe that's just uh [ __ ] vagina okay and I do a lot of
00:42:36
like I do a lot of like lesbian stuff as well because I like girls more guys it feels weird looking at you're a butt plug in your butthole and talking on the phone so cordially this is a very wonderful thing but Jessica I do know
00:42:50
that oh no it's great it looks awesome wait sorry can I tell you a quick story there go ahead yeah you might want to hear about how my brother found out that
00:43:01
I did porn oh yeah because I have two siblings and they're older they're much older I'm like the youngest on TV that's why I'm so [ __ ] up you know and so I
00:43:13
had nine points like two years I've made since I was 19 and I'm 23 now and my brother was on tumblr because he you
00:43:20
know I was a normal person was going on tumblr what's going through and he literally thought that a picture of me
00:43:26
stressing my own eyes I don't like to rock his phone yeah and then he had to like have that conversation with me like I know you do that and those are the
00:43:41
Thanksgiving what did he ask you we didn't tell you it was a holiday how do I avoid that I'm not a doctor but they have direct muscle the rectal muscle is there for a reason though is
00:43:58
your fist well I know the doctor says only be okay time I've gone way past that you know it's part of my living but I'm not careful and I haven't pull off
00:44:10
madness that's not my goal so do you have limitations yeah you shouldn't prolapse because you do know that's really bad for your tushie if you do that you know yeah you won't poop right
00:44:22
for the rest of your life yeah it's actually very bad to prolapse that's right that's right that being said we we are we are very into people that do prolapse I like tails yeah Jessica this is pretty
00:44:38
incredible let me ask you one more thing you um you uh you live in Oregon Oregon
00:44:43
is very sex positive sex forward there's a lot of strip clubs up there right yes do you strip as well you do what's the
00:44:50
name of the club can we do not all comedy fan pretty much let's do a rating oh boy one through ten who you like okay Theo von one through ten no no just keep
00:45:17
it ready and eight eight out of ten is out of ten just okay Bryan Callen yeah what what number one number one through ten six what give Andrew yeah what about
00:45:30
Bobby what about me what about Bobby okay we're tense we're done okay Jess Jess we love you very much if we do we do appreciate you of anybody if anybody wants to see Jessica K's anus you should
00:45:50
have a lot of good butt shots on here your booty is out there your your Twitter is Jessica KB DSS your face so
00:45:56
let me see your face you got very pretty face your face what is your [ __ ] I can't judge a person by their awesome
00:46:01
thank you very pretty very pretty yes very pretty face so we go ahead and go on a justification
00:46:08
Twitter and she's the nut she's got great boobs oh my god those yours Ches tattoo or bladder fake they're faking that's a brand that's a tattoo Jess
00:46:19
Jessica Kay I hope you get a lot of new fans from this you got a super nice butt and a super good personality we love you
00:46:27
very much I was great she was great she was wonderful let's rank her ass all 1 through 10 we can't show the fans we're not gonna show that smut what do you think honestly yeah
00:46:40
can you see that gorge on the camera you can't see that okay good what do you think it is her [ __ ] yeah
00:46:45
I think of Regina is an 8 very nice vagina yeah yeah her [ __ ] is a 4 see bottles are hard for me because I don't like buttholes yeah but I want it all there I can't see the [ __ ] muscle or
00:46:56
nothing because she's puts a lot of stuff in there yeah I have a story I have an [ __ ] story but please please
00:47:01
but I can't say the name so what you can still say the [ __ ] story you don't to say the name so I was um at a meeting a
00:47:08
long time ago uh-huh and I ran into a couple of British bodyguards British bodyguards yeah these
00:47:14
two bodyguard old rockstars back in the 80s a twin brothers what do you mean they're just two dudes two English dudes
00:47:20
that used to just be bodyguards for bands in England awesome and can't name the band can you
00:47:25
not [ __ ] no I'll tell you off I know but I know they want to know so they took one dude to Thailand right some big rock
00:47:33
star and he was [ __ ] little boys there oh [ __ ] I know that's why I can't say look it's yucky yeah so he's [ __ ] underage boys but so you know there's a
00:47:44
med am there and he went and [ __ ] a boy and the boys [ __ ] came out what's not funny I'm not sad you left no no I didn't mean that he said to the madam I don't know if it was true but he said
00:47:58
could I have another one this was broken [Laughter] you can't break it and then claim that I want another one can I have another one this this one's
00:48:18
broken [Laughter] I'll tell you off I'll tell you I wanna know who what yeah yeah let's call one more person alright I think it's very fun can I have another why I wish you
00:48:30
could share if you share does it is that you think that's you think that's not okay to do to say who was it it's basically like google i try to google it
00:48:38
yeah and nothing came up it's just like the re thing where it's like the kobe thing it's like one
00:48:44
incident I can't you know mean I know a lot of guy I know ruin his legacy off of
00:48:49
one I know I know did by the wayside know did already lose something from that he lost something right did Netflix I'm not gonna do
00:48:55
something whether someone I know that um aqua left and like dumped him he was this commercial agent I know that um I
00:49:01
heard his manager might have left him as well really yeah huh I don't know that for sure though you want to know here's
00:49:07
one of your own here's Albert choy he's a Korean he says Bobby Lee's cousin is it Andy or out it says Albert choy I don't I I know an Andy choy that's my cousin but Albert I don't have a I don't
00:49:21
have a cousin named Albert liar Alberto is a liar call him it now you want to call this liar yeah okay I don't know if
00:49:27
you want to call a liar he's from Southern California but please open it up with an asian accent of course
00:49:33
because if you can do it in front of strangers then I'm okay with it yeah what do you mean alright ready this
00:49:39
we're calling Albert Choi who says he's your cousin obviously a lie but you do have an Andy Cho cousin I have 28 first cousins I might have Albert say let's find out I mean it's you know what if
00:49:53
this is a long-lost connection that we're making today Oh that'd be great because I won't give a [ __ ] I'll have no
00:50:01
feelings about it these people are so afraid to answer but I get it your call has been forwarded to an OP too bad for you bub Alberto you're not gonna get the phone call we're gonna do just one more of those if that's and it doesn't go
00:50:12
through then too bad door - OH - at all I have your pizza oh hey thank you so much is there sausage on it that was the quickest delivery I don't have my oh
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00:51:29
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they are the best and nobody messes with them dude they work with all the major carriers including UPS what else Bob
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other ones FedEx what else the great USPS what else and they're wonderful Amazon Fulfillment you got all four of
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station calm make ship let's do that one together make ship happen ship station Kendall Cavanaugh or get Kendall Kendall that could be a boy or
00:54:05
girl what do you what your get what's your money on it's a girl yeah you know why we're doing this you know we're
00:54:11
calling women instead of men because men get all it's him it is enough with with men it's enough you've gotten enough
00:54:18
your whole life we're sick of it it's also cuz it's way more fun Kendall Cavanaugh that girl was
00:54:23
incredible just incredible this is Kendall Cavanaugh and I'm curious to know what I'm gonna look it up and not say anything these people are scared to answer that random phone there
00:54:35
it is Kendall Kendall Kendall I can candle what are you doing I'm Alberto and this is and I'm Andy Choi and we're big fans of you Kendall what
00:55:07
are you doing right now Kendall what do you what do you do for a living Kendall [Laughter]
00:55:35
here what's the coolest thing about concrete other than it dries so do you Kendall we love you because you hold the world together you're you're a controller what is it what's it called
00:55:54
you're in office are you in an office Kendall yeah you're kind of like the Wizard of Oz the Wizard of concrete and you know what those brick you know what the yellow brick road was made out of
00:56:08
brick concrete hey Kendall you have kids yeah how many I do not why not why don't
00:56:22
you have any I don't know I'm 27 and I'm not ready for that hell yeah yeah are you single Ken doll I am not Ken okay Ken so you're not single
00:56:37
and what does your husband or boyfriend do he scores do you like to get out there and reach out yeah you really want to girls break out of your comfort zone you really want to really drive yourself to a place
00:56:51
where you're gonna have some you must be very happy I said I can get you a job you gave this guy [ __ ] and a job you're like the
00:57:03
greatest woman on earth he should because he [ __ ] you you're holding his life together without vagina and money but he's not in the office though right he's out there with the concrete or did
00:57:14
you give him an office job let me ask you something when he's out there he's sweating he's working hard all day you're in the office ticky-tack typing away on your little computer with your
00:57:26
air conditioning unit comfy as [ __ ] when he comes home at the end of the day from you know sweaty and disgusting and dirty
00:57:31
do you go right do you guys go right to [ __ ] or do you make him clean up or do you like the smell of that concrete
00:57:37
still on his body that's what I do every two sweaty balls have you ever tasted his nuts after he has a long day what's
00:58:07
the name of the company Marv be Olson great start for one last question where do you live Kendall can I tell you can I
00:58:20
tell you how great that is have you as your boyfriend ever shot a nut and said fantastic finish when you next time you
00:58:26
guys [ __ ] well you said no next time you guys [ __ ] will you say great start and
00:58:31
as soon as he comes I want him to come all over and go fantastic finish well you said will you do that for us please
00:58:37
yeah yeah Kendall thank you so much we I want you to say one thing for me I want you to say I say I'm Kendall Cavanaugh I
00:58:49
love it when my boyfriend's sweaty concrete nuts are on my chin will you say that my boyfriend thank you yeah
00:59:05
you're one of our bad friends I love you Kendall thank you so much she's great she's fantastic Kendall Cavanaugh what a great that's a cool name and also you know boyfriend
00:59:20
concrete business yeah I'm not good at that what do you mean you just did a great job no but I you know the whole thing I just don't know I don't know I'm not
00:59:26
good at it I think you did a great job I know I'm just telling you right now about that's George I start sweating no [ __ ] you men I start sweating I don't
00:59:32
know why why these people don't look at my face though yeah they want to say hi is that what it is yeah they want to say hello and have a normal conversation with you I do that do like after a show
00:59:43
yeah I get really sweaty when I talk you do meet and greets yeah what do you do you do you make people line up and you do photos and [ __ ] yeah I mean I was in Nebraska and I had never played that
00:59:54
place before Lincoln Omaha yeah and I uh I did a meet-and-greet and you know people have tattoos on their faces but
01:00:01
it's fine you know and I'd take photos and um I don't sell anything I just like to meet people you just like to say
01:00:07
hello and take a photo sometimes they don't but you know when I feel like I haven't been there before I like to meet
01:00:13
them is it predicated upon whether or not you had a good set if you have a bad set we all do not I refuse I [ __ ] refuse if I have a bad set I even say it
01:00:21
out loud no I'll even say it onstage I was gonna you know I was gonna go on say hi but no you guys are tearing wait
01:00:27
why it's not like it's their [ __ ] fault that you did bad it is their fault why do you really believe that that
01:00:34
sometimes it's the audience's fault no because it's like you know when you watch taxi driver oh when I'm just
01:00:40
watching taxi driver random guy some people will watch taxi driver and go that movie sucks mm-hmm right I mean but
01:00:47
it's still a good movie do a lot of people think it sucks there are people that yeah I think I watch it you don't
01:00:53
like I love it but like people will say I can't watch it oh I think it's great let me a listing of another movie um
01:00:58
what's the movie the rise of the Skywalker okay do you see it you know do you know what it is I have social reference I I don't like it I don't like [ __ ] like that you're right but a lot of
01:01:10
people go it's a great movie what a great franchise it's not it's not it's just not it's not there's nothing you
01:01:17
can say it's just not so that's one of those kind of things yeah it's not it's not but I mean what's yeah but I don't like any of that
01:01:22
you're right maybe my rhythm would be wrong sometimes and maybe it's not their fault it's not their fault it's your but
01:01:28
your energy is always so good up top your expectations are through the roof yeah it's so funny last night um have
01:01:33
you ever done this I did so I'm trying to come up with new [ __ ] you're writing new jokes yeah uh-huh yeah
01:01:40
are you really yes I went to Santa Monica to do Neal Brennan show such a good show right so I have my new shed
01:01:47
yeah but the place is packed I mean it's not packed every night every time he does that yeah yeah it's sold
01:01:52
out sold out right because Seinfeld went one time people turning being turned away yeah and I'm up there and I try a
01:01:59
couple of jokes that I know that work yeah they didn't what we do there but they're new jokes no I some tried-and-true [ __ ] because the thing is is that you know why I know why because
01:02:11
you should have done new [ __ ] they can tell when it's when it's not new and that's not what it is no I'll tell you what it was okay yes I went in with
01:02:18
Bobby Lee club energy and you have to be more inward yes that's right you have to
01:02:24
be like a mob like what I mean I did that and I realized oh so then I went inward and I just started talking and then as soon as I started going into the new stuff yeah places where I thought
01:02:37
were gonna get laughs weren't yeah and then I just would just segue right into an old joke because you got nervous I
01:02:44
got nervous and the night went Bob you're gonna try this other thing and I would try it and then I when I drove
01:02:50
home I had tears Bob of just like you [ __ ] you know why you new [ __ ] is new [ __ ] it's not supposed to work those shows aren't supposed to be for like no it's that it's not the fact that I it's
01:03:06
the fact that I bailed on them gonna finish them oh you're mad at yet your delivery yeah I'm mad that I wasn't
01:03:12
brave enough to finish the [ __ ] thing that you went over there to [ __ ] do well then you're gonna go back and do it
01:03:19
again well now I'm just like [ __ ] I'm just gonna do it the store note you have
01:03:24
to go back I'm gonna go back over there but tonight I have a show at the store okay I'm just gonna [ __ ] do it yeah you have to yeah I don't give a
01:03:30
[ __ ] I can you tell me I know I don't want it I don't want you to have to share a joke but will you tell me the premises of one of the new jokes
01:03:36
that you know works like you said none of them work I don't give me one of the premises of the new joke well there's a story's a story what what cuz you know
01:03:47
Cosby call me [ __ ] all the time yeah you're our [ __ ] go ahead the reason why
01:03:54
you're coming up [ __ ] is because a month ago we heard a noise in our house in the backyard freaked out and she goes
01:04:00
you check out there and I go no you right yeah and then she goes your [ __ ] right yeah so then this actually
01:04:11
happened I was at a check cashing place why are you at a check cashing like a [ __ ] check advance place do I gotta
01:04:19
do a check cashing place for money you don't go to a bank I have a bank - why do you go to a check cashing place a
01:04:24
shadow money what are you doing - Adam okay so what do you do you go to a check cashing question you cash it right how
01:04:31
much do they charge you to do that I don't care can I tell you do you know you can go to your bank and have them cash it and just get the cash I don't
01:04:36
even do that I do the cash taking place you know you could just go to your betcha okay yeah so I was checking I was at the
01:04:45
cat checking place okay I check a plea and there was a Mexican lady in front of me and she was wearing a dress okay and
01:04:52
some Mexican guy next to her was a baby nice dress and she didn't say anything so then he starts going agro right I said nice [ __ ] dress yeah a nice
01:05:03
dress [ __ ] she didn't say nothing I told you [ __ ] stuck-up [ __ ] and she said ConAgra and I just like because of this
01:05:10
all this [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah I'm like I got a man up you do I have to [ __ ] fight
01:05:15
for defenseless people so I look at him you know me like no she was defenseless by the way because she you could tell
01:05:23
she was scared she was scared yeah okay so I look at the guy like stop [ __ ] doing this and he looks at me then and
01:05:30
he goes were you looking at bro and I go pretty good so good tell that story yeah that's a good yeah yeah yeah yeah pretty good I said pretty good and then I just kind of clammed up and I just looked on the ground do you ever
01:05:44
say I don't speak English have you ever done that has someone ever gotten a grow with you and you've been like oh that no no English no but I do do a character
01:05:51
like I have some sort of like social anxiety yeah yeah I'll go I don't know like I'll do that yeah but I won't do you know won't you know English it to him yeah when people say [ __ ] like you
01:06:05
know like I'll have people say random like racist [ __ ] really yeah and I like being serious no they do it to try to start a conversation give me an example
01:06:17
like I'll be at an airport this actually happened I was sitting there waiting for a big board in the side Texan kind of an
01:06:23
older man sat next to me okay going on good kept looking at looking at me and maybe he recognized me I don't know yeah but he wanted to start a conversation right you look like someone people want
01:06:35
to talk to I don't know you do but Sookie instead of saying Amen I'm a big fan of your work or hey where you going
01:06:42
you going you know whatever right he just said my daughter loves Hello Kitty that's how we [ __ ] open it yeah but that's a bond Experion no but this so then I go what I didn't invent it maybe
01:07:00
he thinks you might have know you kind of look like the creator of Hell okay yeah but my point is is that people will
01:07:07
do all kinds of stuff it's like is he trying to be funny it was just trying to like you did I smile he was just like hey man my daughter loves what you guys do races he's trying to just know it's a
01:07:19
conversation no it's racist yeah what the [ __ ] are you talking about how is that not racist it's the same thing as when people go you wearing a Hello Kitty sure no well then it's [ __ ] racist or
01:07:31
it's like when people start like I'll get you know you don't know that we have to go through this but people ways go you Korean sometimes well they go yeah
01:07:40
yeah they guess yeah yeah my best friend Toby Jo was Korean in high school right
01:07:45
and that's the same thing it's like what the [ __ ] I don't know Toby yeah who cares big but I do that all the time
01:07:51
- Oh F Nick people I go up to Asians and I go hey you Japanese and they go no I'm
01:07:56
Korean I go I know my best friend's Bobby Lee he's four do you get that out you white people
01:08:03
don't go through that huh no most White's don't go through but like I get the redheaded joke thing that's so annoying and hacky riid amount of do I do too much no you're my friend you can
01:08:14
do it as much as you want right it's just like me doing the Asian voice to you as hacky but it's funny cuz we do it together to each other alright but
01:08:19
people in public think it's funny George probably gets made fun of her looking just how he [ __ ] looks yeah
01:08:26
but like I have the red hair because if you're gonna be white don't be like that
01:08:31
don't be a boy like chose young I looked up bluff in the dictionary and George's
01:08:38
his face was a no-no most White's right they don't deal with anything like that yeah typically yes but sometimes people
01:08:45
[ __ ] do this hacky do the hair is your curb matter drapes oh and what do you do how do you respond can't imagine you responding in a lot of life away honestly do it to me right now there's
01:08:57
literally this this happened to me this happened me I'm not kidding a man at a bar so I'm at a bar go ahead amen hey
01:09:03
does the curtain match the drapes I swear to God I don't say anything yes there and make them uncomfortable they're just [ __ ] around and they don't know what to do yeah also that you know like I'll get
01:09:17
someone will say like like a girl like a drunk girl right there was a drunk girl
01:09:23
in Vegas and she was like spilling at the at the table and I and I remember I turned her and I go lady come on man get
01:09:29
it together like she's spilling on the [ __ ] and the the pit-boss had to go ma'am please move she he they think
01:09:36
she's with [ __ ] me so now I'm like I know she's out yeah she's spilling on the table and she and I go lady come on
01:09:43
hey come on you're [ __ ] bumping into people like I'm trying to be nice to her as when I say it she goes she had that [ __ ] up fire-crotch what'd you do I beat the
01:09:52
[ __ ] out of no no what'd you do no I beat the [ __ ] out of her I choked on a [ __ ] no yeah nothing I I
01:09:58
didn't I didn't respond well what am I gonna say when you think about it like when you leave when I was a kid I used to get defensive and fistfight people
01:10:04
because that's why that's how that happened but as an adult I don't have any patience cuz I know she I know she's a [ __ ] Maura like I know she's a
01:10:10
[ __ ] more Rai Rai it's not even waste much it's worth nothing worth my get like I get
01:10:16
submissive was like one time I was Michael ila saying don't be a [ __ ] because she's training you does not beat
01:10:22
not let someone step on you right I was in a Chinese restaurant I'm not [ __ ] kidding you and I'm going to the bathroom yeah and some guy just goes
01:10:29
where's the soy sauce shut up or some sauce yeah hey where's my work there yeah and you know what I did I got it I got a man I wouldn't got it I put it on his table
01:10:40
yeah well thank you you did know where it was but I do that but here's one when I regret yeah is um I was in Nashville love Nash I love it too and I was at a
01:10:54
barbecue place with my friend Marissa who nobody but oh man Marissa Tomei the actress no but she's this cute white
01:11:01
girl this is friend you know grabbing dinner yeah and some probably six foot eight
01:11:08
probably a seven year old man wearing a leather or six foot eight 70 year old yeah just this John Nick gigantic man he
01:11:16
was with his family hmm and he comes up beside me and he puts his hands around me well I'm talking to
01:11:21
my friend the son pull up your pants you know what I did to you yeah I would I did that like a [ __ ] bit like a child yeah I should have went a dude don't
01:11:35
[ __ ] touch me wrong yeah do not [ __ ] touch me touch me and also you should have taken your pants off you
01:11:41
should have bobby the [ __ ] double but yeah i'll show you double down but I'm no longer I'm not gonna do that anymore why no I'm no longer gonna be submissive
01:11:48
right I'm not gonna no because I think about it way too [ __ ] much like it kind of I like lay in bed
01:11:54
sometimes and I'll think about that one incident yeah because that's because you need to stand up for yourself that's what it is okay let's play a scenario
01:12:00
right yeah you're you're out you're with your with your with not kalila cuz that's too good it's got to be somebody who's somebody who works for you like like Gilbert okay I'm with Gil okay
01:12:12
you're out with Gilbert yeah right Gilbert's kind of he's a very nice guy he's a little quiet but he also is very
01:12:17
like mmm-hmm he commands right you guys are like Cafe 101 mmm okay ready and then
01:12:23
you're sitting there with Gilbert just you not be talking to Gilbert about some got your face is so flat today that's from their words I know I
01:12:30
know keep going yeah yeah what do you mean I know it's just like you did a hundred yard dash in a 90-yard
01:12:35
gym yeah but like I've hit a wall that fat yeah hey yo what's up you Bobby Lee yeah yeah I don't like your comedy at all okay yeah here man
01:12:48
okay well you're also in my [ __ ] booth I sit there so get out of my [ __ ] booth no get out of my [ __ ]
01:12:55
booth okay let's go Gilbert I said well no one but you did say no once the first
01:13:02
time but the second time what you don't want to fight this guy for a while what you [ __ ] it up
01:13:08
that's never happened all right let's you ignore unless you I would never be real about I'll be very real ready okay
01:13:14
I'm with Gilbert again you're unfortunate Leigh yeah yeah here's the situation you pulled into a gas station yeah yeah and I we're both kind of
01:13:20
waiting for a pump you got you kind of snuck in there before me but you technically it's yours okay but you but you don't I mean yeah
01:13:28
okay okay ready you get out of your car well say something so Gilbert did you used to drive a steamroller and you fell off and your head got that way no man
01:13:39
all right I want me to pump gas wouldn't you know hey bro yeah man I I was here - I was waiting
01:13:47
for this for this spot you you like literally just swooped in front of me and took over the pump actually I was my car was a little head of yours and I you
01:13:54
know that I was in front of you or so you you weren't in front of me and I think what you're doing is [ __ ] rude all right dude um how much is gas for
01:13:59
you my car my coat to fill up my car yeah it's about $285 here you go you're just gonna give me your money yeah shut the [ __ ] up really shut your [ __ ] poor face up
01:14:10
my guess is $800 I wouldn't it's up to $180 yeah well you already paid you [ __ ] up Johnny I wouldn't do that let's like brus rewind a little bit ready yeah go ahead hey man you know
01:14:22
seriously you did cut me off like I want you to apologize to me for that I'm sorry
01:14:32
[Laughter] yeah hold on hey man you stole my yeah you stole my pump I was here first
01:14:43
relax dude I was ahead of you and I'm my I'm like the things the nozzle is already in my car I'm pumping okay well I want you to take out the nozzle cancel your credit I'm never doing that dude I
01:14:54
was here I don't give a [ __ ] call the cops I don't give a [ __ ] you know what what I want to call the cops call them
01:15:00
you're not gonna say sorry for cutting me oh I will not say sorry for to the end of my life I won't what's your name Dominic Dominic what Cruz the actor no
01:15:09
the MMA fighter the MMA fighter yeah that's you yeah you're the [ __ ] ain't gay who's that ugly flat face kid in the car to Tiki statue I got from Hawaii let
01:15:22
me see how you would handle that dick who you how you would handle a go ahead all right um hey dude that's my [ __ ] palm [ __ ]
01:15:30
off see that's good yeah Don because you have a physique yeah but you're you do you have let me handle the how I really would let's do it for real yeah yeah here yeah I'm pumping Shh okay
01:15:42
I'm tell you who it is yeah go ahead I'm LeBron James okay I got to get there in my head okay yeah I'm there ready yeah okay yo man yo man yo I was ahead of you dude it's like
01:15:56
remove that nozzle I'm gonna park where that is and you're gonna back up because that's my slot Michael Jordan's the
01:16:02
greatest basketball player of all time Josh Shh that you would that would shut him
01:16:09
up yeah he would he would laugh he'd probably laugh yeah you made a joke he would laugh Wow or punch me
01:16:15
either way I'm getting [ __ ] paid yeah knock me out LeBron knock me the [ __ ] that's the Bob you do you do it but
01:16:21
you're Kevin Bacon I'm Kevin baby I know you're Kevin Bacon every try yeah yeah why am I doing this
01:16:31
anything to do very Footloose yeah yeah he was in Footloose right yeah I hear you already you're at the pump I'm Kevin Bacon hey man you took my spot I was at that pump before you yeah yeah yeah I wish
01:16:44
that uh you had died and not bill paxton I am dead bill Paxson's alive Bill Paxton died Diddy holy [ __ ] this is bad how do we not know this I know this is
01:17:02
Kevin Bacon dead Kevin big is alive no he died no Kevin Bacon's alive but by the way Bill Paxton yeah so see bacon bill Paxton's a lot died yes so see
01:17:17
bacon with a tiger belly a bit on our podcast I love her and I love her dad that was just yeah we're just kidding
01:17:23
I'm kidding scenario we're allowed to joke around love you and I want you to live forever why Bill Paxton why did he
01:17:29
pass away what did he die from he was here know that you he had an operation that went wrong oh my god Bill Paxton
01:17:35
this is crazy yeah Bill Paxton Johnny you don't know he died in 2017 after running into a
01:17:42
tiny little Asian man at a gas station in an argument soon after the argument Paxton drove away had died of a stroke dude you [ __ ] killed Bill Paxton boo-boo um it's crazy that he died I
01:17:55
mean what a great he was so incredible yeah I'm really annoyed that I didn't know he was dead I apologized that was my [ __ ] fault did
01:18:02
you not know he thought was your doing still doing a joke no I wasn't doing a bit about that part they Kevin Bacon part I knew he was alive I was just
01:18:08
joking around yeah but I didn't know that Bill Paxton passed away people died and I do I forget don't you forget sometimes no
01:18:13
name me somebody that's dead and I'll tell you if he is or not I'll name bunch of people that that that yeah how about that there's gotta be a website called people you didn't know
01:18:26
we're dead that shouldn't try to mix in people that are still alive and I can tell you okay uh Betty White
01:18:33
alive oh yeah yeah she is um Val Kilmer alive um hold on what's the girl what's what's the girl's name
01:18:54
from Star Wars what's her name she's dead yeah okay okay okay hold on this is a web site yeah yeah oh here we go Brittany Murphy dad okay let me Nate
01:19:11
don't look at the screen how would I name me one okay Tara Reid Dead Alive she's alive [ __ ] she's still bad at this okay okay okay how about how about how about Harold Ramis dead [ __ ] let's see
01:19:28
another one of these how about they knew him oh you did yeah Wow he was [ __ ] one of the greats
01:19:34
how about Michael Clarke Duncan dead [ __ ] Rowdy Roddy Piper dead we knew him he was at the store he's not there anymore you know what I just realized his website his actors that are dead you
01:19:49
have to date Mixon people that you thank you thank you thank you thank you what is this ooh this is great okay
01:19:54
here's some list uh this is really good Angela Lansbury dead that's right yeah [ __ ] drew Carey alive nope dad do care
01:20:11
he's not a daddy yes he is no he's not Willie Nelson Willie Nelson he's alive he's dead is he really
01:20:21
he's dead [ __ ] he died yeah yeah wait is he alive he's alive [Laughter] Dick Cheney alive he's dead Dick Cheney dead he's not he's alive
01:20:40
he's alive I'm not playing this game it's fun all right Carl Reiner Carl Reiner died yeah that's right
01:20:54
David Attenborough ooh dead he's dead mmm Bobby Lee if you were dead yeah you would be the [ __ ] worst ghost of all time you would be the
01:21:11
shittiest ghost oh it would be as you'd walk around on let me I'm really good it there were how many people are dead but it's funny because I don't even know celebrities yeah if you okay if you died yeah and
01:21:26
you got to visit your funeral uh-huh right and if I didn't go because I know you won't go if I didn't go because I had to do magnum p.i or something [ __ ] what are you [ __ ] serious I not put
01:21:42
you in a rage I would haunt I would haunt you kalila I would haunt everyone you're
01:21:47
associated with because I have to work you [ __ ] work you call magnum p.i work alright I know what you do you go out there and you drink coconuts you don't
01:21:59
do [ __ ] I know if you didn't show up to my [ __ ] funeral and I saw I'd be I would be so funnier and any excuse that
01:22:05
you would have for me though yeah what something with your family know if something bad happened to Steve or your
01:22:13
mom then I would not excuse it okay if I died right yeah and you let's say Stevens you got a Steven Spielberg movie yeah and you're you have a scene with
01:22:23
Julia Roberts and Tom Hardy okay right and it's only Julie Robertson it's just Tom Hardy I like Tom re you just have this one day in New Zealand right it's a epic scene right and if you don't
01:22:38
make it you're not on the movie if you're not there right if you miss my [ __ ] funeral I'll be ok with that
01:22:44
here's the deal though here's the best part I would go to the funeral and be able to get on a plane and fly to New
01:22:50
Zealand because you go back in time when you go down there Wow that's smart or is it forward [ __ ] I don't know that well whatever is it backward down there well regardless of what it is whatever it is whatever do both no even if you
01:23:03
couldn't let's say you couldn't I would do your funeral I would I would yes you mean more to me than you mean more to me than [ __ ] that I would not do the
01:23:09
same for you you [ __ ] what yeah it's a big deal I mean one day look at it like
01:23:16
this it's one day in a movie where you're insignificant as [ __ ] Tom Hardy mega star hot guy awesome cool we'll
01:23:21
steal the movie and who was the other person Julia Roberts yeah okay first of all they would never be a movie together second of all she's the [ __ ] cheese a
01:23:27
shining star brilliant beautiful person you're one day couldn't be a substantial role so it means nothing you'll be just
01:23:33
another little fart poopoo nugget dumpling character that they threw to you and it wouldn't mean anything to the
01:23:39
movie would you be mad if they didn't put your son and name on the comedy store awning for at least a day live it I would be [ __ ] if I didn't get a
01:23:46
make God laugh sign yeah and the Laugh Factory and a r.i.p story live it you know what I would be living at huh if
01:23:52
Jamie put make God a raff I would be like I've my ghost I would not think it was funny people would think was funny if it said make a god a raft
01:24:03
ya gotta Ralph make a God around would it would infuriate me oh my god you know what what I'm gonna save money I'm
01:24:09
putting that I'm putting that I'm a tombstone for you yeah make I got a raft yeah but like yeah I would have to be in
01:24:15
the awnings you know for how many days though that's the point yeah so some people got a whole week some people get look how did Brody get
01:24:21
what did Brody go to got more than a week I think Brody got Brody got a substantial amount of time like seven days well that'd be just a week oh I
01:24:28
just said just more than I think he got over a week oh yeah about this two days and you're out would that be mad yeah two days Monday Tuesday it's open
01:24:38
[ __ ] my curse that I don't want I want the poorhouse but yes Friday Saturday your weekend yeah that's good just two days also but in an in La Jolla
01:24:46
I don't know low I know I want to be in the Jolla to for Friday and Saturday yeah I want law and that on one side it
01:24:53
should say the headliners name on the other side it should say but really rest in peace yeah yeah how about this what how about
01:25:01
this this is good this is really sad and weird and [ __ ] up yeah if yeah when you're dead
01:25:07
yeah when you're dead and gone yeah and if you go to the memorial that they're gonna that they have at the Comedy Store
01:25:12
for you hmm if you found out certain people were there that attended your funeral that
01:25:17
you don't like how would you feel then I would know who I'm thinking about a couple of people you can name them I
01:25:24
don't give a [ __ ] there's a chunk of people that you know that we both know you don't like if they showed up how would you feel about them there's a
01:25:29
couple of people that politically they have to who whose political whose Polly they would just save face they we show
01:25:36
up yeah okay okay I know what you mean yeah yeah no because I'll be honest with you when Freddie Soto died yeah right
01:25:42
yeah he didn't like me why didn't Freddie like you we just had a beef for some reason comedy wise
01:25:48
yeah like I don't think you're funny - no it wasn't that it was something else but I want to get into that but um but I
01:25:54
had no I love Freddie yeah he just didn't like me yeah right so but I showed up anyway you did i sat in the
01:26:01
very you know where the back yeah and when they showed his baby photos could you know how they that's [ __ ] that is that makes you look makes you cry as soon as the baby photo Freddie I
01:26:11
literally burst in tears where and nobody wanted me there cuz this is when Eleanor hated me and all these people
01:26:17
hated me why did Helen or hate you oh she didn't talk to me for 17 years you know that why I mean I know but why
01:26:22
didn't she I thought you guys didn't get already oh that's it yeah I thought there was a
01:26:28
thing that happened i ratted them out I read it I ratted people out I'm a rat what did you rat them out for it's a long story alright don't sound like I could tell you do it alright I'll tell ya tell it
01:26:40
so um Freddie didn't like me yeah we got that and Freddie was very big at the comedy store at the time yeah he was and Eleanor was the talent coordinator mm-hmm they were best friends Freddie's
01:26:52
girlfriend princess Cori was also a talent coordinator right and I wasn't getting spots mm-hmm right so I would call in and then somebody told me that oh they're not even giving
01:27:06
midsi that you're avails oh right so I started getting paranoid right as you do as I do right and I was
01:27:14
also working there as a doorman so just sit there week on with just no spot so then what happened was Paulie guys did Kirk's back and Kirk is a time N and he
01:27:28
is like very pull potty yeah if you show up one minute late you're fired never come back he like he was one of those guys love that right yeah but Kirk would go to me you want to go
01:27:40
up right he loved you yeah I go now prime spot you could do whatever you want with me he'd loved he loved me so he would just put me up that's so wonder it's so wonderful but
01:27:53
everyone hated him all the waitresses hated him to everyone in the club hated him okay so then they did a busy day of
01:28:01
what do you call it a UH what do you call that forum where everyone's a sign-up sheet you know to go to MIT see
01:28:07
it's like a petition thank you thank you George thank you yeah but also shut the
01:28:15
figure a little too loud and aggressive about it but yeah so he needed a petition right to get to keep fire Kirk
01:28:21
oh right and I some somebody gave me the petition sign it okay I'm not signed this is the only reason why getting spots yeah and they go and Paulie can't know they were doing this because crooks
01:28:33
paulie's guy right right right so the first thing I do is call topic all 100% right call Paulie yeah and I go yeah and
01:28:41
Eleanor do a petition and they're trying to get a quarter and that's how I said Kirk and I talking [ __ ] behind your back
01:28:48
like you're a little kid an abomination right really broad right so yeah it goes
01:28:58
any wreaks havoc but then you guys Babbitt call me right right that's right and then all of a sudden just sheer rat I was a rat you're a rat that's a rat no
01:29:13
I'm not that's not a rock roach right you never die right rats die yeah you know Hawk roaches don't you stayed a lot you've held on for the listen give me all you [ __ ] young is right that talk [ __ ] behind my back
01:29:27
right they say that oh you know he's old you know I mean he's not relevant all that [ __ ] - yes
01:29:34
I'm the new [ __ ] I know it's in my head Bible nobody literally nobody I'm just saying if you are doing it remember
01:29:40
right I am cockroach I know going nowhere you know so anyway what happened was crook they found out and he stayed on for a while he still kept the job but man that [ __ ] it up with me Cory
01:29:53
Eleanor and I am real bad damn for a long time for another 17 years after Freddie died had changed and you know you got even worse but you and Eleanor are good now because one day I don't
01:30:04
know what happened this only happened two years ago shut the [ __ ] up yeah you're in I guess mmm what happened
01:30:11
when I knew George Ellen I've just never been in the same room with you two yet because you I would avoid her right but
01:30:18
you avoid a lot of people at the store not that you dislike him there's just I do I do I avoid so I just assumed that to be natural but one day we were armed
01:30:23
it was so weird I was downstairs now and there was a bunch of people down there and I'm just talking to people and I
01:30:30
turn and Eleanor's right there and it couldn't get away because people were like and she just said do my
01:30:37
podcast like okay you said yes and then the week that next week we did it and it
01:30:44
was squashed see people grow people change you know when when already beat the [ __ ] out of me all those times right
01:30:50
and I literally adamantly was like I will forever hate him and one day it just passed things change things you know you just let things fly by and let things simmer down and things will
01:31:03
change don't react violently you know just you know well if it's necessary after you have to do what you have to do yeah but so um yeah that was a huge thing for him it's a big step yeah Corey
01:31:15
still doesn't talk to me who Princess Cory though I don't know who that is Freddie's wife that was oh the channel corinader oh sure she doesn't talk to me well do you want to call her no no no we
01:31:28
called a lot of she would have that she would have to come up to me and go let's ask wash it yeah I'm not gonna say anything well maybe we should maybe we
01:31:36
should reach out to her sometime you want to do that now alright alright you want to look into the camera and sign off and say goodbye
01:31:42
to the to the kids did we do enough I think we did a good job how long I don't know we did some good time how long do
01:31:47
we don't keep asking how long we did I want to know how long now we do that's great yeah that's what over 120 is good well we're still lobby you're slowly
01:31:58
make mommy moves in the sink I really oh no no signing up no no we look in the camera and this a main one and we say thank you for being our bad friend okay remember hold on right ready don't first
01:32:10
of all don't please hold on don't talk to me like Robert hold on okay Ready's don't thank you what is it again thank you for being a cow or bad from reading one two three thank you for being our
01:32:24
bad friend well don't [ __ ] it up you [ __ ] thank you for be no just let me count it in one two three
01:32:30
thank you for being our bad friend [Music]