00:00:00
come see me and Christy Stephano on the East Coast as I do October 8th 9th 10th and 11th go to Andrew santo. you can
00:00:06
find out where I'm doing all that stuff you two are bad friends who are these two idiots a white dude and an Asian
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dude you two are disgusting you two or something we're
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bad friends Papa got them Dope shades on hi rude hi
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Hi how are you how are you dude hey little baby when you
00:00:34
you no hey little baby is hey little girl is your daddy
00:00:42
home I'm fire true hey little baby shining on and I don't know why you
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don't know don't know mhm and your mind's on fire NOP
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oh I'm on fire hey
00:01:01
hey little baby when you're Dum dumb and you don't know mine socket all
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right yeah oh
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oh I'm a fire you know I always sing that song
00:01:21
it's a raining Ash hallelujah it's raining
00:01:28
Ash oh fire it's all on fire it's on fire fire fire
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fire great ball fire what's going on he used to date his you know huh his cousin
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14 what that guy that sang Great Balls of Fire uh Henry con Henry conic J
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that's not his name Henry Le Harry conic J didn't they make a movie oh you know who played him who one of the Quaid
00:01:56
Brothers Randy yeah either one J Jason Terry Taylor uh qu Taylor qu Taylor
00:02:03
Quaid played the guy in the movie Great Balls of Fire hi rude hi it's so Smoky
00:02:10
outside can I I'm going to show you something this is incredible this got sent to me this morning um we can't play the music but people that home can look
00:02:16
it up someone took the footage of what's going on in San Francisco and put it to the Blade Runner soundtrack oh [ __ ] and we can't play the music because you know
00:02:22
YouTube will get us but look at how insane this looks this is all legit this is this is what it looks like what's
00:02:28
going on down there God look at how insane that is this is not doctored there is no filter on this oh my God
00:02:35
this is real Drone footage that's up on the crazy interweb it's it what color is
00:02:41
that Bob redish orango that's Andrew Santino oh Andrew Santino color that
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literally looks like me that's like as if I blanketed the city of San Francisco yeah it's a terrible color
00:02:52
terrible it's a terrible imagine if you have to live with it all over your body yeah this San Francisco knows what I feel like for a couple of days the
00:02:59
ridicule that they're facing that's this is what I feel every day in my life yeah but you know what actually your face
00:03:04
structure and stuff like God didn't [ __ ] you entirely no no no the face is he gave you a pretty good face so you know
00:03:11
I'm going to make he probably turned to Moses and you know Saint somebody and
00:03:16
said Moses was around Moses sa somebody Cleopatra whoever it might be I'm going
00:03:22
to make he's Southern so he you know God Southern oh he is yeah because you know look at the Christians let me tell you
00:03:27
something I'm fixing to make me a little dude and I'm going to make him Freckle face redheaded yeah but I'm going to
00:03:33
make him kind of good looking he going to be okay yeah yeah yeah and then everyone's like laughing right but let's
00:03:38
see he's gonna die anyway he's gonna die people are going to kill him when he's young the people are G to kill him but watch and he threw him you down there
00:03:45
and you [ __ ] survived it all and and all the disciples like Cleopatra and sa
00:03:50
somebody was like I can't believe he survived they survived it yeah he was like no I'm not gonna make another one
00:03:55
of those again that's the last one I'm gonna do when he made you he went check this out check out this bigheaded little
00:04:01
flat-faced dude I'm about to make right here this buggy eyed massive headed dude you're goingon to love this dude this
00:04:07
dude short Stumpy stock short Stumpy St he's never going to get over 5T tall
00:04:12
even with lifts in his shoes and this little dud this little dude's going to be a
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Le when he made Rudy what'd he say when he made Rudy well you know what I'm going to make you know what I mean I'm
00:04:25
going to make a human pygmy a little pygmy like yeah a pixie pigy little pixie Pigman girl yeah and this one
00:04:31
right here is going to um her face is going to look like a tiny Bean like a little bean like a little like a little
00:04:37
one ear bigger than the other ear could you you have noticed that which one is bigger rude my left take off your
00:04:44
headphones real fast so we can see show the camera I'm going to make one ear big and it listen man it's big Hey listen to
00:04:50
me man hey man listen to me man sorry man like if she was a bird she wouldn't be able to fly or she'd fly in a circle
00:04:57
that that's why I'm going to make one one ear bigger than the other right I want to make really skinny skinny like
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gmy arms tin arms little T-Rex feet though big Sasquatch feet sasquatchy
00:05:10
feet big feet you could water ski on them yeah you don't even need water skis you got skis on your feet right now well
00:05:15
if she lived in if she was an Eskimo she wouldn't need snowshoes you know the snow shoes that
00:05:21
yeah yeah yeah she wouldn't need snow shoes would need snow shoes and uh we're going to have her funny accent and uh
00:05:26
she's going to love dumb things like anime anime but she's going to she's going to be a master of knives oh yeah a
00:05:33
master of knives you'll see look at this they found Rudy on the internet so many fans sent this to us by the way this is
00:05:40
Rudy Rudy you got found on the internet I don't know if you've ever seen this clip let's see the music is uh the theme
00:05:47
of Halloween look at this little girl tell me this isn't
00:05:54
Rudy little mini Rudy Rudy Julien what were you doing there
00:06:01
yeah what was going on yeah that is that really is her how creepy is that [ __ ]
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creepy the mom just gave this little girl this little girl's got to be like I don't know seven six
00:06:12
seven look at and she just like here's a knife here's a mask and made her dance around in the living room that looks
00:06:17
exactly like Rudy by the way it's the same color brown isn't it but we don't know the fish she could be 42 she is
00:06:24
she's Asian then that's LP that's a little person that's a little person sized you know what I said the other day
00:06:29
I just saw Brad Williams this morning I just played golf with him speaking to little people wait wait
00:06:35
that I play golf with Brad this morning you what where do you get his
00:06:43
clubs what do you mean I mean I mean is no could I just ask right go ahead yeah
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there's probably like CU he goes to Baby Gap or whatever right no for his clothes so he probably there's probably is there
00:06:56
a baby Golf Club um store yeah no I'm being real is there is there golf clubs for kids that's what mini golf is I know
00:07:02
but are there golf clubs I'm not I'm being real I'm not trying to make fun of them yeah they golf clubs for kids yes there are and he's using the golf club
00:07:08
for kids I think he gets adult clubs fashioned for him they get you can get him shortened
00:07:14
Bob it's amazing I thought you know what I thought about the other day I said no but let's let's and does he wear like
00:07:20
when he does the uh you know the you know the C the golf clart oh yeah is there like a little miniature like you
00:07:27
know what I mean one that it's a side C Mattel makes have you ever seen like a motorcycle with a side so there's a golf
00:07:33
cart and there's a mini golf cart right next to it oh I see and he gets into that one so um that's great that's wonder that just makes me laugh he was
00:07:39
good at golf he's a good I've never seen a dwarf golf uh have you ever seen that I've
00:07:44
never seen it I mean I've I've played with I've never seen a dwarf do a lot of things like what Skydive I have oh you
00:07:51
have I don't know if they you would think that they would just fly away I don't think hear me he go ah and then
00:07:56
the wind would just take them to like Argentina or I don't know if he was skydiving or they were throwing him out of the plane but I did see a dwarf get out pushed out of a plane oh I'm sure
00:08:03
they were pushed out as I don't think he got I don't think he got a shoot yeah I think push him out joke you know what I mean no Brad Brad's a good golfer no
00:08:09
there's no way there's no way is the hole like closer to him like in the middle of the it's bigger twice as big
00:08:16
oh oh twice as big for him am I being mean no yeah I love him no we love he's
00:08:21
what a great little guy he's awesome he's my favorite because I'm so small yeah I'm so small that like you're not
00:08:28
much bigger than Brad I know that's the thing like you know when I BR I always whisper to him I go I just like hanging out with
00:08:33
you because you know the whole world has always been like I'm the dwarf no really
00:08:38
has cuz when I walk into places everyone's so much bigger than I am right that I kind of have to look I want to like rub your head whenever I see you
00:08:45
cuz right so then when I'm Brad I go I just just like this is new for this is just a good experience for me well you
00:08:51
know what I said I said the other day I was like I want to play with Brad and I was thinking about Brad M cuz I hav't seen him in a long time and I thought
00:09:00
but Brad must feel more vulnerable than we ever think sometimes like imagine
00:09:05
walking on the street at any moment some psycho some crazy dude on the street on drug could just kick him someone could
00:09:11
just run up and just and boot him right I mean think about that think about every day of your life some crazy person
00:09:18
could when you walk past a crazy person on the street like you know that guy that like yells at the trash yeah yeah that guy could
00:09:23
just turn and see him and go hey and Brad's like H just runs up to him and could kick him yeah physically boot him
00:09:30
yeah I think about that like he could just get kicked someone could just run up and kick him don't you how crazy is
00:09:35
that yeah but when it you could kick a dwarf something bad bad's going to happen it's seven years bad luck I'm sure it's seven something bad it's like
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when you break a mirror it's like putting a hat on a bed or you know what I mean one yeah that's bad yeah yeah what is it black cat don't walk under a
00:09:48
ladder don't walk under a ladder um don't do don't kick a dwarf don't kick a dwarf don't kick a dwarf don't cross
00:09:54
eyes if you want you to go cross eyes you can't go back right um right here well you know my dad used Jer out too
00:10:00
much you get hairy hands hair hands yeah yeah you know that one parents used to tell their kids if
00:10:05
you masturbate you're going to get hairy hand what's the other one if and I would just masturbate and I look at my hand
00:10:11
nothing yeah still nothing Asians are hairless for the most part I think maybe it's in the inside of the hand because I have to shave I've shaved this every oh
00:10:18
yeah yeah that's funny now what what uh there's so many those o do you believe in that stuff rude do you believe in
00:10:24
that um in bad luck stuff do you believe in any of this is superstition is that what it is um no I mean I have OCD
00:10:30
things where I have to touch things three times or like in a movie theater I have to look at a guy three times in
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back of me so like shut up oh yeah you know you sit down you have to turn and look three times no that's why if you if I'm at a movie theater um and we're
00:10:41
watching a movie you'll never see me turn around because if I turn around like if
00:10:47
I turn around and look at somebody I'll go this is what'll happen this is what you'll see okay I'll be watching the
00:10:53
movie oh look at Tom Cruz just jumping over buildings does his own stunts what an amazing guy mhm oh look at him go
00:11:01
he's little but he seems big why do you have to keep looking over watch the movie stop looking at me no I'm not
00:11:06
looking at no that's not I'm I haven't done it yet well don't look at me anymore stop it you're no you're the guy I'm sitting next to oh so I you're
00:11:12
watching the yeah you're watching the movie too yeah yeah sorry so um okay goad so this is why I'm watching oh wow
00:11:17
look at him go God yeah he's so maybe I should become a Scientologist that's what I thinks when I say maybe yeah yeah
00:11:23
it looks good and I go what's going on
00:11:29
what are you what what are you doing I that's what I have to do well so what do you need to you look do you recognize him no it's just a human being you make
00:11:36
eye cont I think that something bad's going to happen if I don't turn around two more times he's gonna no it I no
00:11:43
it's has nothing to do with him just in general in general I think like if I don't do it then I'm going to leave the
00:11:48
theater and then a dwarf's going to kick me oh that makesense something like that you know what I mean or that makes sense
00:11:54
or like I'm going to get in a car accident or something will happen I do that at I do it when I I'm at night do
00:12:00
you touch the light do you have to touch like the light Swit this is what when Kil like last night Kila was sleeping next to me and my elbow hit her right
00:12:08
yeah so then I have to do this this elbow and then this elbow and then it woke her up she's like
00:12:14
what are you doing are you doing that thing again yeah yeah I can oh dude that's OCD it's crazy yeah that's not
00:12:20
suid that's like OCD that's like a assessive compulsive disorder no that's no it's it's it's Superstition Noe do
00:12:26
you have Superstition rude um when I point at a tree at night I always um do
00:12:33
do this yeah what when you point at a tree yeah
00:12:38
if ever I point at a tree I have to like um bite your finger yeah that okay what
00:12:44
kind of f Voodoo [ __ ] is that that dude that I've never heard that before in my
00:12:51
life a tree that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard because you know what because you
00:12:57
you're thinking to yourself how the [ __ ] did you come up with that yeah wait wait the first the first time how do you bite
00:13:04
it how do you bite your finger show me just that's it I can imagine her going like this looking at a tree one day and
00:13:10
going I have to do something you know what I mean do I tap my feet three times you know what I mean
00:13:17
do I raise my hands and do this with my hands you know what I mean no I'll do this what do this mean what is that Rudy
00:13:22
what does that mean um older people said that um if you point on a tree um you
00:13:28
have um if if you don't bite it then your fingers are going to be cut off Filipino folk that's Filipino fol so
00:13:34
somebody taught her that yeah that's crazy when you point at a tree it it your your finger's going to get cut off
00:13:39
Yeah by um some kind of monster I mean it's crazy have you been
00:13:45
to the Philippines there's trees everywhere so you can you you just see Filipinos buying their [ __ ] F all day
00:13:52
just walking around it's crazy Hi how are you yeah yeah why we got to cut that
00:13:58
trees down this is getting out of control you know what I mean that's the weirdest thing insane it's insane I used
00:14:03
to the only thing I had was in high school this was crazy and it went away because in my mind I thought oh [ __ ] this going to be it forever when I got
00:14:10
out of the shower in high school you know when you I had a we had a knob that and you pop it out and then you can turn
00:14:15
hot or cold you know what I'm talking about and when you push it in the little drain thing goes down so when I when
00:14:22
that went down I would have to catch it before it went down and spin it on my finger yeah that's weird too crazy
00:14:28
that's crazy it would GOP cuz the noise was like King Kong so I'd go King and then catch it and I'd spin it and then
00:14:33
I'd have in my mind I'd have a good day yeah that's pretty crazy right isn't that weird but you know what's weirder
00:14:39
pointing at a tree and putting your finger in your mouth that's crazy that's really strange biting it mine was like a
00:14:44
mine was like just an I just the habit of not making the noise so because it was so loud when it clamped that that's
00:14:50
like saying um you have to do something when you see the sun yeah you have to
00:14:55
go you me yell at the sun yeah it's just something that's like just so like when you see a cloud right you have to put
00:15:01
two fingers you know I mean on your eyebrows right and go Allelujah Hallelujah whatever it's crazy yeah but
00:15:06
I've seen that before in the Philippines they do that they do that but you know what my mom used to say cuz when I you I don't know if you guys did this but when
00:15:13
you have a charlie horse oh right or you have dead you know you have or Charlie
00:15:18
Horse you lick your finger right three times you and you put
00:15:24
it on your nose that doesn't help the Charlie Horse it does no way I swear to it does really yeah it does if you have
00:15:32
a charlie horse go there what about when you get a leg you know when you get a muscle cramp you know when your leg tightens up the worst feeling in the
00:15:38
world when you're like oh and you try to go straight with it you're like and it hurts even more lick your nose lick it
00:15:45
oh my god it works everything really yeah I think you I think it's psychological it's getting your brain
00:15:50
away from the away from the feeling maybe yeah yeah that's so strange like whenever I would have a um whenever I'd
00:15:56
have like a like a sore tooth or something and my mom she would come in the room and I'd say oh I have a sore tooth and she's like I'm going to go get
00:16:02
something and she would go she would leave the room and never come back and the soreness would go away I thought she
00:16:08
was going to go get something for me and and I was thinking about what she was going to get and it never she never would come back with something and it
00:16:14
would go away really I swear to God because it's in your mind I think she's going to go get something to help me you
00:16:20
know it's it's it's funny it's like my parents didn't know about like
00:16:25
traditional things that you tell kids or you know or folklore American folklore or any of that tooth fairy and stuff
00:16:31
that right so you know you you you you hear about it from friends right yeah if
00:16:36
you put you as a kid you know if you put your tooth underneath your pillow you get a dollar you get a dollar right but
00:16:44
if your parents have to know about that right so I would just why would they have to know about to because at the end
00:16:49
of the day it's that it's their parents that put the [ __ ] Dollar in there right it's not really a tooth fairy yes
00:16:54
it [Laughter] is what are you talking about
00:17:00
there's there's no I'm like Santa Claus right your parents have to get know
00:17:07
about Santa Claus for them well they have to know about it to teach you about who he is no no about cuz they're the
00:17:12
ones that buy the presents and put the presents underneath the
00:17:17
tree I love what you're I think this character is so funny I think you're a little misinformed I don't know how they
00:17:24
do it in South Korea yeah so so what you're telling me and CLA Santa claa so you St Nick a fat
00:17:33
white guy who probably has diabetes he does have diabetes yes and um I don't
00:17:38
know how old these reindeer are 148,000 years old he says that he says that all the time he songs yeah he goes to every
00:17:46
single house billions of houses in one night yeah okay how could it not be
00:17:51
possible have you never seen him tracked on Norad do you know what NORAD is no you don't know what NORAD is they track
00:17:57
where he goes they track Santa Claus on Norad with satellites I don't know where he is right now let's see official NORAD
00:18:03
Santa tracker let's see what he's up to Rudy don't laugh come back December 1st all right so the tracker's off right now anyway the joke I was going to tell
00:18:09
about my parents about the tooth but you know now the joke is not not it's not going to work now hold on we can get back I'm he going to throw it out there
00:18:15
just because I have OCD about it okay what is it right I think the bit I was trying to go for is that um I just I
00:18:21
don't know something about maybe I had 15 feet uh teeth underneath my pillow over the years something like that I don't know it wasn't going to work I'll
00:18:28
give let me give you one no it's okay you just you just [ __ ] my joke but I didn't no let's go back to NORAD though
00:18:33
no no stop norad's not up right now no can I tell there's a friend of mine cuz I was going to go to another bit about
00:18:39
um you can go into the bit I was going to go about another bit but then the bits aren't going to work now because you your your joke was funnier yeah
00:18:46
about the thing yeah sorry yeah yeah about about not knowing when so then now
00:18:52
the but I have to throw the jokes up because I have OCD did your dad not know about tooth fairy for real
00:19:00
but here's another shitty joke I was going to get into right and and if they're not even true I was these jokes
00:19:05
I was going to throw out but I have to say it now because of my OCD right your joke CU this is the this is the episode
00:19:11
right so I'm just going to do it yeah is is that um you know like the things that you
00:19:17
would tell your kids like the the thing is is that if you watch the TV so like what do they say your parents say if you
00:19:23
sit too close to the TV what happens you go blind you're right that's my dad kind of took it and made it his own Korean
00:19:29
way mhm he would go if you watch TV too close Grandpa's going to die right and
00:19:35
then I'd be like he's dead already he goes you did it so that was a joke I was going to say
00:19:42
see that's still good I know but imagine the joke now if I didn't with the pretext sorry you know I would have hit
00:19:49
a home run there it was a it was a third B it was a triple yeah in the par it was you know but you're very funny thanks
00:19:55
and we have to go with your gut instinct about that that was my instinct yeah yeah let me give you a joke that my I I can't I'm not going to take credit for
00:20:01
this okay but my my friend used to have a joke my friend Ken had a joke years
00:20:07
ago that made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my life and he he used to say uh he's like my dad's from India
00:20:12
and they don't know American Customs just like you yeah yeah and he used to say uh the Tooth Fairy my tooth fell out
00:20:18
and I said dad my tooth fell out and he goes okay throw it in the Dres and he said no no no I'm GNA put it under the
00:20:25
pillow and the tooth fa is going to come and and give me money yeah and he goes what what are you talking about and he
00:20:30
goes if I put my tooth under the pillow in the middle of the night a Fairy comes in and leaves me a dollar everyone at
00:20:36
school is talking about they're all losing their teeth yeah and then and he goes interesting and he goes to bed he
00:20:42
says he wakes up the next day and he looks underneath his pillow and there's no money under there yeah his tooth is
00:20:47
still there yeah and so are 10 of his dad's
00:20:53
teeth and his dad comes in and goes come on divy up the cash how much did we get
00:20:59
how good is that joke a funny joke it's my Budd Ken but it's not real that didn't actually happen that's his it's a joke it's joke used to tell is he a
00:21:05
stand up K Shaw yeah yeah dude it was the funniest it made me laugh that's a very funny joke rayon hey guess what
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month at betterhelp.com bad that's right whenever whenever you can get into the depths of like the cultural cultural
00:24:09
differences that's what I think when you're able to make fun of them as a standup oh it's so [ __ ] funny there's
00:24:16
a few guys that do it so [ __ ] well yeah that show the gaps of stuff H because I don't have that like for my
00:24:22
parents you know they you could do like a Boston thing or a Chicago thing with your dad yeah it was just they're mean
00:24:28
parents are just mean American parents are just mean to their kids right and yours are mean because they want you to be good ours are mean because we're
00:24:34
already bad kids you see what I mean a Foreigner's kid goes you better be good
00:24:40
because we worked hard to be here and American parents are like you're a piece of [ __ ] and it's our fault it's
00:24:46
interesting you say that because I have been thinking about how foreigners come here and I
00:24:51
know my parents were the same and um what year did they come to America in the late 60s what what a Time yeah but they're
00:24:59
they they come here for us right solely for you they come for their the Next
00:25:05
Generation they go They're going to get a good education MH they're going to you know be cultured a lot of culture you
00:25:12
know what I mean they're going to go to Great College they're going you know I'm going to give them everything that I did
00:25:17
not have yeah and the next thing you know you know their son is like doing crystal meth you know behind a tree
00:25:25
jerking off into a Hustler magazine right in the middle of the Forest right
00:25:31
and that's what they made yeah yeah and their kids don't take advantage of it but you're actually the American dream
00:25:38
you bounced back think think about that that's actually the American dream you bounced back so no you tell that to my
00:25:45
dad in how many other he's dad in how many other countries that's true how many other countries can someone do what
00:25:50
you did get into Dr by the way in the Philippines isn't isn't drugs like don't you go to prison for life for drugs yeah
00:25:56
so first of all what other countries could you get in as low as you could and then still bounce back and look at you now so
00:26:02
many countries you'd be in prison or dead well you yeah I mean if my parents had me there in Korea you'd be dead not
00:26:08
just dead I would or it could be like I can't maybe drugs aren't because I think Dr drugs were tied into some of my
00:26:15
trauma yeah right so it's like maybe I wouldn't have gotten into drunk maybe I'd be a saki Drinker or whatever or you
00:26:21
know an alcoholic alcoholic or whatever but imagine the job I would have I would probably just being hauling rice right
00:26:29
right in a factory and I would like telling you know my friend Han a joke
00:26:34
yeah and he's like oh fny and and my back is like hunched yeah I know it funny huh you're
00:26:41
so you're so curved that's your body he's like yeah if we had a stand up comedy here
00:26:48
you you could have done that I know but we don't so how many more bags 52,000 more you know whatever i' be just doing
00:26:55
some [ __ ] yeah you know so you're living the literal American Dream you bounced from back from zero yeah maybe
00:27:02
you know maybe I'm very lucky I'm very lucky right Jules are I'm very lucky so is she oh my God she's Lu we don't call
00:27:09
the feds on we can get you deported pal we can get you kicked out right away see your sulk oh and she's Su like she she's
00:27:16
studying right and she'll come out and her she her shoulders are down and she'll just do a little pout like oh
00:27:22
it's hot you know what I mean everything is so hot depressed you know what I mean
00:27:27
it's like dude we give you [ __ ] everything yeah you have everything what are you really depressed about though Rudy depression
00:27:33
can come from other things Bob we know that I'm not depressed I'm just tired from doing all my homework you know she
00:27:39
started school yeah but what do you mean you're tired from doing your homework yeah oh shut up oh my God shut up shut
00:27:48
up you shut up ungrateful you ungrateful little brat yeah are you really tired
00:27:54
from doing your homework though it's bumming you out yeah I'm just tired yeah straight AG you know that right yeah she
00:27:59
yeah because that's why she's tired she's actually doing it you and I we don't do it I was never tired I got C's and D's yeah did you get really good
00:28:05
seas and D's yeah yum me too yeah I know terrible that's why we are where we are I know but when you got seas and D's
00:28:12
what did your parents say to be expected no they didn't they didn't yell at you
00:28:17
no so so I was a c average right and I'd get a B once in a while yeah uh and I
00:28:23
had to get an A I got an A like only once or twice in high school and it was in creative writing cuz that's what I
00:28:29
knew I I liked and um and the other one was in like uh uh oh e like like like uh
00:28:38
econ or something something like simple business math you know what I mean like intro to like econ or whatever right because it was easy it was just like oh
00:28:45
yeah I know how to [ __ ] balance a checkbook but I couldn't like you know who also got those good grades who Trump
00:28:50
that's exactly right that's exactly right that's what heel that's exactly rightel that's exactly right and then in
00:28:56
and then in high school though parents were like you're just going to have to figure out your own path I never was
00:29:02
going to go to a good college I was never that good of a student you know why school was boring so boring I it was
00:29:08
I was miserable you you know as soon as I got out I felt good I was like oh I
00:29:14
can try everything I can do whatever I want I can learn stuff if I need to learn [ __ ] I learn more now on my own
00:29:20
than I ever did in school you know how I would have got straight A's if they paid me if money was an incentive no here's
00:29:26
the thing like even like when I used to be in the workforce in my 20s like in
00:29:32
restaurants yeah you wake up at you have 7:00 you have to be in the morning yeah at 6:30 you get up right and you're just
00:29:38
like late right but you're going because you need to make money yeah it's there that's why I'm up if you had if you had
00:29:44
to get up and bust tables for free you would never show up why why am I going
00:29:50
you would never show up yeah so what my point is is that if you paid me not a lot couple bucks five bucks an hour fine
00:29:57
Five Buck a class that's that's great I probably take 20 classes a day I'd take as many as I could I would never for
00:30:03
every a you get like 2500 bucks holy [ __ ] I'd be straight a bro straight A I'd be I'd be one of those there's no
00:30:09
incentive yeah what is it you go you basically you have to work hard for
00:30:15
free yeah and it's like for me it's like what am I doing here this is the worst
00:30:20
you know what I mean I'm absorbing information why am I what is this and and most of the information hate to
00:30:26
break to you kid you're ever going to use most some of it's very useful have
00:30:31
like what like what I think you should learn I think you need to know basic math okay you need but only
00:30:39
multiplication dividing yeah you need to learn percentages is probably like I don't know any I don't I never ever used it oh
00:30:46
yeah you do how tip oh yeah I mean St yeah but I'm not I
00:30:52
just said basic math yeah but tip all right at a rest basic numbers if if if my bill was
00:30:58
$33,000 do e $ 33,2 43 what are you eating right then I would have to learn
00:31:04
that what were you eating for 33 that's an insane Bill I know saying I know but
00:31:10
because when you you generally go to m a restaurant it's like 50 bucks you can just calculate in your head it's pretty
00:31:15
easy to percentile can I try something oh my God your bill is is $128 what do you
00:31:23
tip I just off hand well yeah we're off I don't have a TI 8
00:31:29
so I'll just tell you what I would P that's what I'm asking how much $128 $128 just round it to 130 just I would
00:31:36
be um I'll probably least 40 bucks that's
00:31:43
an extremely nice tip yeah do you know what 20% of that would be really but that's what I would leave so if you
00:31:48
round up to 130 13 * 2 is 26 cuz I know $100 is 15 15% of $100 is
00:31:56
$15 okay just start with the original no no no no let me just do it the way I would I think I thought don't don't do
00:32:01
that no let me tell you something that's why teachers that's why teachers never got through to me because of that okay let me let me revert back when teachers
00:32:07
do that you know what I mean it's [ __ ] annoying let me try let me try it again here you go I'm a teacher ready I I don't want to do this anymore okay
00:32:12
so Bob swea so Bob I'm sweating so Bob yeah yeah yeah actually how about this don't challenge me you stay on that
00:32:19
because you're over tipping and that's a good thing yeah that's a good thing yeah 20% would be around 26 bucks you're
00:32:24
giving you know yeah you're you're you're [ __ ] giving almost double you're giving like 40% tip so if so on
00:32:31
three $3 so 15 $8 so um what's it how
00:32:37
much is the bill it was 128 but I said just round to 130 so I would pay to be 15% is $20 closer to that
00:32:45
15% yeah what is it the actual but you want to tip 20% right but what what's 15% $20 yeah yeah that's so I would
00:32:52
probably leave 40 bucks double it just go back to what we where we were before
00:32:58
okay well then I like that I I think that's nice at least you're over tipping you know there's nothing had to pay you
00:33:04
in school that's all that was the bit if
00:33:09
they they should pay they should pay yeah but you know what's so funny though
00:33:15
sometimes uh like I don't want to discuss this with you because I don't know you don't know anything about it but they're trying to talk they there's
00:33:21
a pay to play in college sports that's a big deal it's a big argument whether people should do you think college athletes should be paid yeah yeah but
00:33:28
because because does the school make money that's right and they they make money because LeBron James or whatever
00:33:34
he never went to college uh let's let's make up a sport guy well there's a running back let's
00:33:40
make up a running back almost everyone else just name another guy almost his name is fatim aloa fatim Muhammad no
00:33:47
fatim aloh ala oh fim ala yeah and he's from Nigeria he's a great running back yeah he's he's amazing right he goes to
00:33:53
and let's suppose he's like he breaks all the records he he does he runs it into the en he runs in the end zone
00:34:00
right M 20 times a game that's impossible but yeah well I don't know how the sport works so just say like
00:34:07
four times a game is is that seems ridiculous to me 12 times a day Game 12 times a game he always he goes from the
00:34:13
five yards into the enies mhm eight times a time every time a Time eight
00:34:20
times a time he's so good right wow okay and he can weave and move around and so
00:34:25
the whole town of the you know I mean Columbo let's say there's a town called Columbo
00:34:31
right col it's a college 3A 3A college team and Columbo there Columbo's like
00:34:37
you're a good runner you're a good runner kid and for Te Al right right he
00:34:42
goes from the five to the nz's right yeah eight nine times a game the whole
00:34:47
town of Columbo realizes it they love it they go we don't usually sport you know what I mean the red jams you that's the
00:34:54
team's name they're called the red jams yeah yeah okay yeah the Columbo red jams yeah the Columbo
00:35:00
red jams and they don't you know they you know they we we're only you know ninth division we're 3A team but we're
00:35:08
ninth division oh so they're 3A yeah yeah 3A team but we're ninth division right and when during during this
00:35:14
regular season right they they never win they never win they never win right even though they've got Fatima no before they
00:35:21
never won before fatim when faim show so the Columbo the people in Columbo they go why do we go you know it's
00:35:27
embarrassing right you know what I mean you know the skylarks beat us every time well they're really good yeah yeah
00:35:34
because they have that kid from from New Guinea yeah New Guinea Sky you mean always crush us he probably runs in the
00:35:41
NZ maybe 13 times a game yeah and the town of Middletown where Sky the Skylark
00:35:46
school is Middleton Middleton Middleton right and that kid you know they bury us every time the best 20 years that kid's
00:35:52
been burying us it's unbelievable yeah he can't get out of high school it's College this is college sport can't get out College yeah yeah yeah yeah so but
00:35:59
this a fa team right he comes right straight from Nigeria right from the plane to the football field yeah right to the field they goes right to practice
00:36:06
and they realize right away right he's got like real strong
00:36:12
legs they realize it right away they even analyze it the Sports Doctor you know they all have a sports doctor they
00:36:19
bring them in right and they analyze for team's legs right and they see extra muscles around the calves uhoh it's like
00:36:26
you know the regular muscles and there's another one that's protrudes out right and they poke at it you know how doctors
00:36:32
do they poke at it right and they hear ding ding ding ding ding ding it's metal
00:36:38
it no it's not but the muscle makes a metal sound right that good it's that tight
00:36:44
that tight d d d they they take three steps back the doctors oh they look at
00:36:50
it we got it we got we got the guy we got the guy the Scout did hey Randy yes
00:36:57
some nerd with glasses he's in a wheelchair yeah comes in he comes SCS in right yeah great job scouting him in
00:37:04
Nigeria oh thank you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then so they then they push Randy out oh right right he's gone and
00:37:12
they get here's the ball oh you give they give they give fatim the ball yeah and let's well give the ball cuz he's
00:37:19
not the quarterback right no he's a Dyan Sky bark right
00:37:24
here it's I'm Dyan Sky bark B and rais in in M Middleton Sky handed
00:37:31
off to [ __ ] you know and so he just like the Road Runner right the whole
00:37:37
town the whole town the whole town of Colo coming oh right before it was a few people live in Columbo uh I think it's
00:37:44
like 22,000 no what 14 million 14 million people are in Columbo yeah they all come they they have to make the
00:37:49
stadium so much bigger they got to build a new stadium yeah yeah like they make it bigger than the biggest stadium ever
00:37:55
really yeah wow for 14 million people from colum sh up to watch 14 million people there right and you know they can
00:38:01
charge so much they can charge um $300 a head per ticket what and now fa team he's every
00:38:11
[ __ ] year right touchdown that's all hear that's all you
00:38:19
hear you could be you could be right in [ __ ] Chicago and you could hear
00:38:24
touchdown that loud you could hear touchdown that loud you you're like you're working at a [ __ ] Subway yeah
00:38:30
right not not the sandwich shop in the subway oh underground underground okay right and you just sweat touchdown touch
00:38:38
right and and team must have scored another touchdown Columbo you know I wish we didn't live you know so close
00:38:45
but how close is Columbo to Chicago two different states over two states away I can hear T down that often South jeez I
00:38:52
can't think of the states right now but South okay yeah so then years go by and then one day for
00:38:58
team he goes halfway he he doesn't go full way he doesn't do that he stops
00:39:06
right and he puts the football on the ground he sheds one tier like the American Indians do when you litter oh
00:39:12
boy yeah and he walks off the field fa te and why because the school is making
00:39:20
billions of dollars uhhuh if fa te still lives in with his grandmother doya he
00:39:26
lives at doya house he has no money and he he knows that the whole [ __ ] town
00:39:31
of Columbo you know is he's making so much money he gets nothing that's why
00:39:37
you have to pay College athletes because of a team
00:39:42
exactly what do you think I think we should send this to the NCAA and see what they think write it up because I
00:39:48
really I you know what I never had a I never had a cause I never had a cause I had never you know but we're down with
00:39:55
when I see when I see I get angry about things yeah when I see Hispanic kids
00:40:00
being at the border and they they put they be put in cages it breaks my heart they're putting who in cages well you
00:40:06
know how like people sneak over and then they take the Hispanic kids they put them in the cages well yeah cuz they got
00:40:12
so much energy what are you going to do let them oh that's true yeah yeah you got to put them in something to keep them maybe put them in a hotel room though not not out of Four Seasons but
00:40:18
like you know Motel Six like a Courtyard Marriot Courtyard whatever what did they put you in Andre when you guys came over yeah you have never been big on
00:40:25
causes yeah I never yeah but I think think I could get behind that one cuz I think it's it's a travesty pay to play is great particularly in fact when they
00:40:32
make money but what is the argument against it well people that do argue against it
00:40:37
which I I am not they say uh it's usually this guy ready it's this guy
00:40:42
yeah I think we should start paying uh college kids Let Me Tell let me tell you something stupid well don't please don't
00:40:48
call me let me tell you something debate they go to school for free they get a free education okay which is life it's
00:40:54
life growth and then when they're done they go into the pros and get paid up there but but it doesn't work that you
00:41:00
get a free schooling okay and the money that you bring in goes to the team and the and the school itself to support
00:41:07
this wonderful University and we have history so no they don't deserve a dime yeah but um so fatim is going to leave
00:41:14
if you don't pay him well he can go on and go on then but but we but but but but we won't
00:41:20
fatim they think that that because they get to go a free education that's the benefit that they get free food free
00:41:25
meals free lodging a free education a free start well you don't pay everyone uh oh so like yeah you don't
00:41:32
pay you don't pay everyone only the good guys get paid yeah you the ones that are like you know the Stars yeah but what do
00:41:38
you say to the other guys then get better get better it gives incentive so
00:41:44
if you so so give them incentive to get paid just like you like the fatim situation let's say there's a guy named Todd oh [ __ ] I dud I Todd pH no not Tod
00:41:53
Philip a director a director yeah Todd Todd Todd they I'm just I don't we don't know his last name his name is Todd Todd
00:41:59
uh Todd uh Todd rosende Todd rosende thank you and Todd looks at ftim and he
00:42:04
goes hey man I can only do two a day a game he only gets two nzs a game yeah
00:42:10
yeah but this guy for team is getting 16 yeah yeah better than you I would if I was Todd I would go up to 15 one day and
00:42:17
go hey man in Nigeria how do you get that extra muscle in your calf no honestly yeah he's like we would
00:42:26
I don't know I don't know to do a Nigerian accent when you you run from when you run from Tigers all the time
00:42:33
that's the exact same accent you do for like everything it's but when you run from
00:42:39
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helping our sponsors so please use the promo code badf friends blu.com MH literally I just found out about that
00:45:35
just now I I'm shocked that they don't get paid anything yeah they don't that's a it's a big debate because a lot of
00:45:41
times I mean let me ask you that something in in a sport like that m not all kids go to Pro right does every
00:45:49
college kid playing for end CAA team no do they go pro no so basically they all
00:45:56
want to of I mean no that's not that's not true necessarily most D1 athletes
00:46:01
wish they could go pro but most D1 athletes realize at some point it's not
00:46:07
going to happen right so like there's a division there's people that they know are going to go pro there's three classes in my mind fact you're going to
00:46:14
go pro there's no doubt you're one of the best it's like a joke you're fa teim yeah second level you're good you could
00:46:20
go pro you never know or you could get out and go I just want to work and do a regular job I don't want to [ __ ] do
00:46:26
Sports professionally because I'm not good enough to stay third level of of of college athlete is like look I'm a white
00:46:32
guy I'm good at basketball I'm 6'2 there's no [ __ ] way I'm going pro but I'm having fun there's that guy too so
00:46:39
that guy should get paid the guy who's just having a good time that I mean it's like it's because you can anyone let me
00:46:45
ask you this yeah can any if I went to school like college what's a good basketball college I mean University of
00:46:52
North Carolina okay I go to University of North Carolina right I get in Duke can I just show up and go I want to be
00:46:57
on it uh if you're in if you're a college register if you're a registered College yeah I'm a college register okay
00:47:03
and and can I just go to the stadium or the the the training area and sign up and go I want to be on the team well
00:47:09
there's no sign up but yeah you could go there and say I'd like to try out if you're oh you have to try out no no if they have Walk-Ons not every school has
00:47:15
walk- on tryouts some schools do say hey we hold walk- on tryouts you can try to join but the other players have been
00:47:21
draft have so so those kids that are on all the teams had to either try out or
00:47:26
get scouted most of them got scouted it's rare to get a a walk you can't if they've never seen you play basketball
00:47:32
you can't be on the team you could if you're [ __ ] if you've never played ball and you show up and you're fa team no
00:47:37
you don't you just show up you don't even play and you go I want to put me on the team yeah they go get the [ __ ] out
00:47:43
okay so there we go right so the people that are on the team right that are on the third tier as you were saying like
00:47:49
the best of the best the best of the they should get paid cuz they did all the work to get on the team yeah and if
00:47:55
the school is making a bunch of [ __ ] money they're making a lot of money they should make money they're making a lot of money they should make money I agree
00:48:01
that's I'm on your team I'm on your side you're making these guys play and also a college education is worth what anymore
00:48:07
are you going to go to college yeah she's looking right now where where are we going to go where are we going to send you and on Whose dollar you better
00:48:14
get a scholarship we're not paying are we paying for that we're not paying for that scholarship where where do you want to
00:48:20
go what's your number one school I don't know yet maybe just um hey hey hey hey community
00:48:29
yeah Community College yeah why Community College um Roger said that it
00:48:35
pays um less Roger said it costs less yeah and
00:48:41
who's Roger um grandfather right community colleges right but I think
00:48:46
you're smart you could probably get a scholarship somewhere you could probably maybe I think so don't you well
00:48:52
she is getting her license too oh that just taking her driver
00:48:57
you have interim permit or what do you have um driver's permit she has a driver's permit are you letting her
00:49:03
drive no why not have you driven my car once no but if you when you get your permit you need hours to log in yeah let
00:49:09
Roger do it why just in case what's the difference you don't you don't care about your car what what is
00:49:15
the worry that she's a bad driver answer me no I'm trying I I I
00:49:22
would answer you if I had the answer I don't have the answer so why can't you drive your car on the way home today say say Tito Bobby can I drive home today
00:49:28
there's no way there's no way there's no I'm still practicing she because the first time practice on the way I'll tell
00:49:34
you why the first time I asked her let's go driving she did a no no no no you
00:49:39
know what I mean like a freakout thing so she there was no confidence behind it so then I was like oh okay she doesn't
00:49:46
have the skills you you lost confidence because of her lack of confidence yeah yeah yeah I think that's what it is well
00:49:52
well you at some point you're going to have to just jump all in you can't be scared cuz if you drive pensive and
00:49:58
nervous you know what's going to happen that's when you get into an accident so you got to drive aggressive let me give you a couple simple rules that my mother
00:50:04
taught me when I was young my Aunt Kathy actually taught me this um when the light is green what do
00:50:09
you do you go when the light is red what do you do you stop what when the light is yellow what do you do you slow down
00:50:16
no you speed up you go as fast as you possibly can to get through the light you don't ever slow down at a yellow hit
00:50:21
the gas even if you're in the middle of like the intersection right and it turns red mhm you're you're the one with
00:50:28
movement yeah you're already going so you have the right away yes Rudy yes yes you don't know [ __ ] you don't know
00:50:35
anything how how far behind when you stop at a when you stop at a light how far behind the the car in front of you
00:50:40
should you be um 100t as close as you possibly can you
00:50:46
get as close to the car in front of you and it's okay to even to be touching if you don't r f it's fine why you can touch the cars it's called a bumper bump
00:50:54
bumper bump car you can bump them and go go go ready go seat belt you wear one or
00:50:59
not you wear one it's a suggestion and also it's also it's a reverse psychology thing yeah because get this you're in a
00:51:06
fiery ball of flame I can't get my seat Bel off I can't get my seat Bel off it's
00:51:11
burned to your skin meanwhile I don't wear one I'm on the sidewalk are you okay get out get out get out of the car
00:51:18
smoking get out get out of the car yeah in fact you know what I did in my car you can look afterwards I've taken
00:51:24
scissors I've cut the seat belt right out of the car I don't even want it in there well you know what I've done because sometimes seat belts make noises
00:51:30
if you don't have it on so I have it on but I just now my back is against the seat Bel on it I sit on it I do the same
00:51:35
thing so it's not on me you've got some of you've got some of them right you got some of it yeah when you run out of gas let's say you run out of gas on uh in a
00:51:42
neighborhood somewhere what's the first move you go to the side of the curve and then you call no put the car in park get
00:51:50
out and walk away leave it leave the car you it's not your problem anymore call
00:51:56
someone go hey the car is out of gas on Brier Street I got to go I got stuff going on someone needs to get and fix
00:52:03
and help the car not your problem also in an emergency right you can kind of use another person's car you're allowed
00:52:09
to you're allowed to what's called common deer another another vehicle so you run out of gas you've got some anti
00:52:15
Kila says it depends on what you have to do like if you if you have to go to the gym not necessarily but if you're late
00:52:21
for like a development meeting at a studio yep or you or din dinner a good
00:52:27
dinner if you've got a good dinner finals yeah finals you have you can steal any car and then take it so the
00:52:34
code is you go up to a car like at a stoplight you run out of gas and then you knock on the window tell them to roll it down you
00:52:41
know if they have an old roller I don't know if they have or and they R down and go I'm
00:52:46
commandeering this vehicle I have somewhere to be and if they say no you punch them as hard as you can open the
00:52:52
door pull them out get in the car and say have a good day and keep driving this is this is America dude this is how
00:52:58
you give it back the car no you R you drive till it runs out of gas and then you leave that one where it is as well
00:53:05
hopefully you'll run it out of gas near your home or the location that you're going this is stuff you got I'm not
00:53:10
going to drive with her you're not going to let her drive Roger does it Roger's our grand her grandfather Roger's a good guy how old is your grandfather 72 does
00:53:18
he drive well yeah he's a good guy cuz sometimes old people when they like way that they drive dude I ran an old person
00:53:24
off the road when I first moved to LA did you really yeah she hit a tree did she die I didn't stick around that's
00:53:31
illegal bro you have to stick around can I tell you what happened to me like 14 years ago I was with my
00:53:39
brother Steve mhm it was a Friday night yeah it was raining and I was on La
00:53:45
Siena and sunset right so I was going up laa rent in a rented car mhm by the way
00:53:53
I didn't run an old person off the off the road I know you didn't that's why that's that's that's why I went over sorry that's why I ran over the the
00:54:00
yeah yeah the bit but but honestly you have a joke I did you have a joke I did
00:54:05
what the do what I was doing the OCD go ahead tell me the joke now see how weird it is it's over go
00:54:12
ahead no no no you have to say the joke now because I did a couple that like the time had passed MH some lot a lot of
00:54:19
times in podcast you think of something but then the the timing you know what I mean and then you it's gone and then you
00:54:25
just let it go mhm but not today we're not doing that today tell me the joke so I ran this old lady off the road right
00:54:30
she hit a tree she hit a tree head on yeah and I didn't stay initially I kept
00:54:36
driving you're supposed to stay then I felt bad yeah I turned around I came back to the scene yeah I got her out of
00:54:41
the car I noticed that she was still breathing and I got nervous because now there's a witness so I took off my shirt
00:54:49
she was bleeding and I pretended like I was going to cover up her wound and I just wrapped it around her head and I strangled her to death you on La Lasana
00:54:57
gun Sunset you on Lasana gun sunset go
00:55:02
ahead sorry I I Str sorry hold on sorry I strangled her wait I strangled her a
00:55:08
little dark I strangled her now can you switch it yeah change it a little bit go ahead I ran an old lady off the road and
00:55:13
she hit a tree when I first moved to LA yeah did you stop or uh yeah I did I stopped to make sure she was okay yeah
00:55:20
and when I saw that she was totally fine and there was no big deal I pulled out my Magnum 357 and I shot her a thousand times
00:55:27
see what a clever guy sunset in laso yeah well now my bit see now my bit you
00:55:33
got now my bit doesn't work after you don't have a choice I know but I have to do it but my bit not even is has nothing
00:55:40
even to do with that well I've told you my story I actually hit a guy with my car and this is real yeah I hit a man in the rain yeah I'm swear to God can I not
00:55:46
tell my story it's not as good n oh [ __ ] I hit a man in the rain go ahead it was raining in lasan again Sunset you hit a
00:55:51
man on the rain I did okay all right so let me tell my first okay so uh this so
00:55:56
we I rented a car it was like a Chrysler and it's one of those cars where if you look at the dashboard you don't know
00:56:02
where like the gas light is where the you know where you're running out of gas sure like all the symbols look kind of
00:56:08
the same I just didn't never looked at it or whatever and we had just gotten the car so I'm like I just you don't assume that you have to refill it not
00:56:14
right away I ran out of gas oh [ __ ] so it was raining 5:00 p.m. Friday lasa
00:56:21
right for those that don't know it's it's it's it's incline like this and it's the mo it's the most the most
00:56:28
traffic yep congested place on planet Earth on Earth on Earth y it's just cars
00:56:35
everywhere and if a car stalls there oh boy people don't go home for 5 hours
00:56:41
yeah at least so it stalls right I put the emergency break
00:56:47
up my I'm with my brother smart I go stve cuz you know there's a Chevron right there yeah go get gas my brother's
00:56:55
panicky runs in the rain right people are honking screaming at me I'm just sitting there sweating I'm sorry I'm
00:57:02
sorry I'm sorry right my brother comes right with the [ __ ] thing and we pour
00:57:07
it into the the um the what do you call it gas hole the gas hole it's one of
00:57:13
those nozzles right where you have to either push it in for it to come out yeah so my brother was doing it but but
00:57:19
he was pushing it in in the wrong spot and it it the thing wasn't actually in the hole so it went all on the side of
00:57:25
the car he had go back there again with the same thing they go we don't have another thing he's trying to instruct my
00:57:31
brother how to do it yeah and my brother comes back and now my brother and I are going to kill each other yeah and all of
00:57:37
a sudden I see this guy right these two guys one guy didn't do anything but the
00:57:43
they were both wearing Comedy Store t-shirts oh employees who was it it was Steven Fury
00:57:50
okay and Assan oh nice you know ass yeah I know them both both very funny yeah they're good dudes but I didn't know that who they were at all never met him
00:57:56
yet no I mean I'd se you know how I am with the at The Comedy Store I'd seen them around you don't know who anybody is I didn't know them yeah so I go um
00:58:05
they go hey you need help Bobby yeah and stepen fury does it he
00:58:11
puts it in M right and I looked at him I go you're going to open for me and I gave him opening dates and that's how I
00:58:18
knew him and but then when once he started open for me I realized how strong he was he's very funny he's so
00:58:23
funny he's extremely funny and Assan I gave Assan dates as well but they saved my [ __ ] life that's the there was no
00:58:29
joke there was just a [ __ ] story that's really nice about the man man in that I had a guy in the rain yeah yeah
00:58:34
go [Music] ahead go ahead no I hadit a guy in the rain that's a real story I was I was
00:58:41
going to a job I'm sorry I was going to a dinner to get fired from a job that's a fact I was going to get fired from my first job in
00:58:47
La yeah and I was mad I didn't want to go and it was raining so bad on Crescent Heights and and Beverly where that big
00:58:53
dip is where swingers used to be yeah you know how that's a dip down yeah I was swing sry I went through I
00:58:59
about to dip I about to dip I went through so fast and the rain hit my car so hard it spread all over my window and I made a left a guy was running through
00:59:05
the rain across the street and I smoked him shattered my windshield got glass in my face I hit him so [ __ ] hard he
00:59:11
came out of his shoes came out of his shoes okay I got out what's going on are
00:59:16
you okay not okay a woman's like I'm calling the cops call the cops I was like it's okay I have insurance he
00:59:22
didn't stick around he fled the scene I hit him and his buddy was like let's go we got get the [ __ ] out of here they had a backpack I thought something was
00:59:29
wrong it's not funny I hit a guy and then for weeks I thought what if what if he died now I think he being up story
00:59:34
swear to God on my life well you could go to prison why we called the cops they
00:59:40
left they left the scene okay and guess who didn't show up who the cops they never came I [ __ ] sat there in the
00:59:47
[ __ ] rain waiting for the cops with this old bad crazy woman something right now I literally didn't hear any of the story I kind of dozed off that's why I
00:59:55
asked you that H I'm sorry it's okay I really didn't that's fine I'm so [ __ ]
01:00:01
up that I do that yeah you do it to me all the time yeah I just want to give Chris Katan a message can we call Chris
01:00:08
no no call him I don't want to call him so I Chris Katan call him I don't want to call him Bobby I I'm not calling him
01:00:14
Bobby call him but he he Bob I'm doing the same thing I I'm not call him no
01:00:20
call him all right here we go great
01:00:30
Chris Katan we'll put up a picture right here I'm
01:00:35
sure
01:00:41
yes come on come on Chris
01:00:51
Katan hi this is Chris please leave me
01:00:56
so now how does that make you feel when someone doesn't answer the phone when you call them now I'm mad really yeah
01:01:01
because I was feeling guilty because I don't text them back oh I know cuz I saw all the blues on his side yeah yeah so I was feel I was feeling guilty about it
01:01:08
but now that I called and didn't pick up I don't feel as guilty anymore are you relaying were you relaying because of
01:01:14
something that happened in the text or were you saying that because me and you what happened
01:01:19
yesterday you know it's it's funny I didn't I didn't know that I was doing a podcast with a little boy
01:01:27
I didn't know I was doing a podcast with somebody that um needed tissue paper to
01:01:33
wipe his tears I didn't know I was doing a podcast where you know what I'm going to get for your birthday a little violin a tiny little violin I didn't
01:01:40
know I was doing a podcast with a bch it's so funny I'm going through my head
01:01:45
right now of stuff that I want to like do to you or throw at you or or physically hurt you and I was like I can't I can't I can't I called I
01:01:52
actually texted Bob 10 times in a row didn't text her call back it's so [ __ ] stupid and then I said hey well
01:01:58
first of all I said do you want to get lunch I've done that twice in a row and you didn't respond either time first of
01:02:03
all you just say I'm good thanks I'm good I already ate okay
01:02:11
that's all I need to know and then I said Bob because I played war zone the fans and me would
01:02:17
love it if you went to the driving range with me I wanted to go to the driving range you I thought it'd be fun I said let's go to the driving range I know you
01:02:23
have nothing going on I know you have nothing going on cuz Kila sends me a [ __ ] schedule I get a screenshot of
01:02:29
your schedule I know what the [ __ ] you're doing nothing goose egg and you didn't come to the driving range with me and it's down the street from your house
01:02:36
you can spit there from where you live I plan my life with you based on proximity
01:02:41
for you if you said um hey dude um I was can
01:02:47
you come to my house and have lunch cuz I have't I haven't been to a restaurant in 6 months right I have not since the
01:02:52
pandemic Jules have we been to a restaurant you went to Menino Farms no we get it delivered you didn't go you
01:02:59
didn't go we've never eaten at a restaurant so when you go when you you haven't eaten at One Restaurant no so
01:03:04
when you text me hey let's go have lunch it's like I'm not going to a restaurant to eat with that I don't we don't do
01:03:09
that why because we're in lockdown no we're not in lockdown yes we oh our our
01:03:15
family we're in lock family is stupid everyone is eating outside there's outside stuff we don't do it I haven't
01:03:22
been to a Starbucks you know how badly I want to go to a [ __ ] Starbucks when we when I leave here with her yeah I
01:03:28
look at her I go can I go to Starbucks she goes no I'll tell kalila you get trouble snitch you know what fact you
01:03:33
know what I'm going you eat on a patio I'm going to go to Starbucks after this and you're not going to tell Kila oo I
01:03:39
like this okay so my point is is that so when
01:03:44
you when you text me that right it's like you I think I just assume that you already know the answer and the second
01:03:50
thing of course I don't know the answer when I ask you to get lunch what you should say then is hey not eating at restaurants do you want to eat at your
01:03:56
house or eat together somewhere else we can get it delivered but you don't say
01:04:01
anything and it's mean it's rude and the second text was um do you
01:04:07
want to play golf it's like no driving range go to the driving range I don't know how to play it that's the fun I
01:04:13
[ __ ] bought headphones to play war zone I don't know how to play it all I'll do it you going to tape it though
01:04:19
if I I don't want to do go to waste you have to tape it I'll film it we'll bring a camera Andreas will you set up a camera so we can do it absolutely then
01:04:26
it's it's so much fun and rude can come so wait a minute are you going to be allowed to go to a driving range cuz
01:04:32
it's outside probably not it'll be a fight but that's another thing it's always a fight things but why doesn't why don't you guys she doesn't trust me
01:04:39
right because you're going to like lick somebody or something no it's that I don't lick things you know what I mean but she doesn't she thinks that like but
01:04:44
if you're wearing a mask you're being safe and you're fine she just doesn't trust me and and she has a she has a point you know I'm kind of like a you
01:04:52
know you're like a little kid yeah like I I just don't think things like you've touched your face seven to 10 times
01:04:58
during this podcast I know because my face itches don't itch it so my point is
01:05:04
she doesn't really trust me so you know it's like um what did he just say oh did he text
01:05:10
you back hey can hey can I try you back later no say I Need You Now Chris
01:05:15
Katan Cap City Clos down Cap City comedy club in Austin great really they banned me I'm so happy
01:05:24
that that's the case that's a bummer you know why because the improvs opening there oh it is yeah they're opening an
01:05:30
improv in a Rogan talked about opening a club down there and then I thought what if he buys Cap
01:05:36
City then would you do it oh yeah if it was his club and would you just talk
01:05:41
about the whole time that you couldn't play it anymore you got banned from it well it was so funny because the same thing happened at Tempe you got banned
01:05:48
from Tempe yes what did you do so at Tempe right I showed the audience oh so
01:05:54
so Dan m you know Dan Murr M so Dan M used to be the manager at the 10pm impr
01:06:00
right and um he's gone right he passed away he died he passed
01:06:06
away what that's my sad face I know it was very sad he he was not with us yeah
01:06:12
so Dan M First comedy club I suck into by the way there was a guy named Howard polands that owned and he was a
01:06:19
Christian a a good a good Christian so it got to the point where they um told they only would hire Christian Comics m
01:06:26
right and so um but then I showed up because menia came in right and I was
01:06:32
opening for menia and he's Methodist no whatever he is okay and they go and and
01:06:38
they were like we don't want Bobby he's like yeah but he's my opener and I knew that they were weird like that so I
01:06:44
showed the audience the inside of my butthole mhm that's Christian right just
01:06:49
cuz I wanted to show everyone we're all pink on the inside or whatever right they and then after that I got mad all
01:06:56
that stuff and they still wouldn't put me up just for show just for showing your butthole yeah so years 12 years and
01:07:03
they said he'll never play here wow but then um my buddy bought it who bought it
01:07:11
oh oh who bought the people who bought the improp oh yeah yeah yeah so my buddy bought it and
01:07:16
um I was like the second the third act that they hired wow and so when I walked up on the Improv stage I go I knew it
01:07:25
was going to Happ happen it's good here yeah you did I win did you show that audience your butthole yeah yep and
01:07:31
guess what still pink still pink baby brown now and you can play more Brown than ever more Brown yeah but you can play there whenever you want yeah I can
01:07:38
I so so if Rogan buys Cap City you'll be happy to go down to Austin and do it or he opens his own club look I think it's
01:07:44
sad that that things are closing down so it did make me sad but then I thought what if you know Joe comes through and
01:07:49
does there's another club out there that's kind of like that too for me a lot of clubs right will have me one time
01:07:55
and they go oh it's too much for me or what about you don't you go one time and go I don't want to go back that's rare I mean there are some gigs like Virginia
01:08:02
Beach where I went never been when I went I went oh I like to play here every year and I remember like a year went by
01:08:09
and I go and I did okay number was a good numbers improv that's a funny bone and I go
01:08:15
um can I go back and Matt was like probably never why you showed your
01:08:21
butthole no but I go crazy on stage you know me yeah you lose it but what what you two yeah they were like enough we're
01:08:29
not going to have them wow and then the one that broke my heart the most is
01:08:34
Columbus why the funny bone because I love that room I played it like 10 times right and he's a buddy of mine David
01:08:40
stro but they they just stop booking me because you were just too much yeah no
01:08:46
man by the way let me say this I respect the family Rules of the house you guys are being safe I understand it it's a
01:08:51
bummer because I want to be able to just get lunch with people outside sometimes yeah I'm just I'm not one of those that
01:08:57
are that yet yeah because um it's fine I'm not I just I'm I to go I am going to
01:09:03
go to Whitney's house I'm more mad you going go to Whitney's house tonight no like cuz she's doing that thing the
01:09:09
standup stuff I can't do stand up in front of no I told her I'm not going to do stand up I'll come and hang
01:09:14
out I think that's what I'm going to do I don't know I just being around standup is so strange right now yeah I I I can't
01:09:21
imagine myself because I'm being invited like you know people text me all the time hey do my show and I'll pay you
01:09:28
yeah I'm doing my first show this weekend where uh in Glendale where it's in like a backyard
01:09:35
it's in like a backyard thing and who's doing it me shagura uh a few special
01:09:41
guests Ian Edwards it's actually a good show and and uh you obviously yeah yeah
01:09:47
but it's more it's more to just try I I it's been six months yeah I can't do it and I need to pre practice because you
01:09:53
know because because I'm going and doing dates in October oh you have to go up yeah yeah I I refuse to go up until
01:09:59
there's a regular audience well they are regular what do you mean what's wrong with them they're scattered right they're six feet apart they're you you
01:10:06
and me apart I mean cuz I I look at like what Chappelle is doing in Miami and I go um not Miami Florida Dave Chappelle
01:10:13
yeah Chappelle does that outside show it's in Ohio right is he in where it is yeah where he lives yeah
01:10:19
Miami Dave Chapelle presents Chapelle
01:10:26
Miami yeah I don't know I don't know dude wherever wherever it is Yellow Springs Ohio it's at his it's at his
01:10:32
[ __ ] house I think it is like a ranch or something yeah and I go I just think I go I just that that doesn't seem like standup to me you would go if Chappelle
01:10:39
sent you an invite you would go in a heartbeat to go to his little camp or whatever the [ __ ] that is I don't think I would Dave Chappelle calls you on the
01:10:46
phone I I don't think I would do what's up Bobby know that's get your ass I don't know if I do I don't know if I
01:10:51
want to do standup if Dave Chapelle called your phone and said will you come to Yellow Springs and do a show and come
01:10:56
hang out with me at the camp you would say I don't I don't think really you would say I don't think I
01:11:03
want to go I think I would panic and I probably write a set and you'd go I'd probably go yeah if Chappelle if the [ __ ] goat told you to go sure sure
01:11:09
isn't he the greatest don't you think he's the greatest I think he's Our Generations Richard Pry yeah I think
01:11:15
he's the greatest comic I've ever that's ever lived yeah I think that um in my [ __ ] I think in every generation we
01:11:21
have you know a a type typ I think he's super time I think that um our George
01:11:27
Carlin who's our George Carlin do you think who's our George Carlin
01:11:32
uh who's who's kind of like he's he was politically angled and prolific yeah but
01:11:38
he also it has to be um represent has to represent the times as well so it's like
01:11:43
in our era it's because Society changes and the culture changes so it's like I think Bill bur would our George Carlin
01:11:51
if if Chappelle is our Richard prior what else is another Legend um um well
01:11:56
who well who's like who's our uh I mean Chris Rock is kind of Chris Rock I don't
01:12:02
think anybody I don't think he's like any anybody before him he's AR Bill Cosby yep yeah yep what about what about
01:12:09
Seinfeld he kind of Falls weird in the weird in the middle I'm going to say something controversial to you m i don't
01:12:16
understand it you don't you can't you don't understand Seinfeld's humor I I I can understand why people like it but
01:12:23
I've never like looked at it it's fine yeah I never looked at it and um you know his wife pronounced my name wrong
01:12:30
that's what it's about yeah that's more what it's about she called me Billy and she didn't pronounce your name wrong she
01:12:35
said your name wrong pronounce how you're having fun Billy booby Lee and I go and I go I know and I go she just
01:12:43
called me Billy in my mind what' you call her nothing I go I'm having fun you know she goes you having fun here Billy
01:12:48
and I go I'm having fun where were you guys it was a weird like a bumper car rider you having fun no it was um this
01:12:56
is the I don't know this has never happened before or after it'll never happen again and I don't know why it
01:13:02
happened with the Seinfeld no what happened was appow yeah calls me and
01:13:07
he's never called me again MH I think something happened I think I rubbed everyone the wrong way or whatever I'll
01:13:13
tell you off air okay do you really know
01:13:18
mhm so APO calls me he goes hey I have to go to this un like this lunch brunch
01:13:26
and it's going to be Yi and um Wayne what's his name Newton Newton Wayne
01:13:34
Newton Wayne fedman Wayne fedman yeah and I got where is it it's at the Palm
01:13:39
restaurant whatever the old one on on Santa Monica so I go what is it and he's like it's Jerry Seinfeld's wife has a
01:13:46
charity and it's a luncheon and you want to go and I go I don't feel good I I'm sick I go I'm gonna go wow so I wore my
01:13:53
best hawne shirt right and I and I show up yeah and it's
01:13:59
me Jud fedman sitting at a table Sebastian's there too because you know
01:14:04
Sebastian's in with Seinfeld they're very close they're very close I he's the only guy that did a show twice I think
01:14:09
and it was like when Sebastian saw me there you could see that he was shocked he goes what are you doing here what are
01:14:14
you doing what are you doing here right and I go I don't know why I'm here how mean is that when somebody goes what are
01:14:20
you doing here you're like [ __ ] I know I don't belong oh I have another story about it a famous guy and and I've never
01:14:26
called him out this I'm gonna call him out yeah do it I G to start a war but hold on let's do this first so get
01:14:33
through this Sebastian says what are you doing here you're like I don't belong here you're you're at the you're at the thing so I go yeah I don't know and then
01:14:39
um I met Seinfeld walked by Mrs Seinfeld no Jerry oh with his wife and and they
01:14:46
and and I think Jud goes this is Bobby he didn't know I was a comic Bobby is a
01:14:52
comic hi nice to meet you nice to meet you and then um his wife goes nice to meet you and they walk by and then an
01:14:59
hour into the luncheon there was a bunch of speakers mhm I don't even know what the thing was how bored were you so
01:15:05
bored yeah and the the shrimp was dry the shrimp was dry at the Palm yeah and
01:15:10
then I remember um she comes back she goes you having fun Billy that's fine she's never met you
01:15:17
before she barely knows you don't even know her [ __ ] name yeah and what did you say yes I'm
01:15:23
having fun yeah yeah and you let that sit with you yeah I don't know you I should let it go that's insane you just
01:15:29
met her for the first time it's not like it's not like dude I met this girl 10 times yeah can I tell you CU I have stories of comics like that yeah I've
01:15:36
met you before Andrew right yes [ __ ] we've met a thousand [ __ ] times stop
01:15:43
pretending like you don't know me yeah yeah no I used to go to all those cuz I
01:15:48
was sober what about and I couldn't get any girls right right and so this is so
01:15:53
embarrassing so I thought because I'm on a show yeah that if I went to a Hollywood place like Joseph's that may
01:16:00
be able to get a girl and I couldn't get any you still couldn't get late no did you ever go to like rainbow
01:16:06
room and date the goth girls what's wrong with goth girls I no no but I'm sure I just don't like pale skin I tried
01:16:14
to go out with a goth girl and she didn't like me I think I don't know what it is didn't you do you definitely dated
01:16:20
pale skinn women I did a lot yeah like three of them that I've known so you do like skin women I do like pill skin I
01:16:26
don't know what you're talking about but that would that Vibe I mean like did you do that thing like the sunset [ __ ] no no
01:16:32
no I I don't know why but I kind of was going for like um nightclub rats well no
01:16:37
you kind of think to yourself can I elevate my game in my head I thought the game was there it wasn't yeah but what I
01:16:44
went was I went to my own people what was your own people Kila right but that's Years Years Later yeah yeah yeah
01:16:51
I feel comfort with someone that's you know more closer of my ethnicity I guess
01:16:56
yeah somebody that you know eats the same kind of things I do and doesn't look at my you know body and judges me
01:17:03
in in a you know in a lens in a lens of of race way she doesn't judge you in any
01:17:09
way physically no no I know it's nice like she's never looked at you it's a real last night cuz I had I you know I
01:17:16
almost didn't come today because I had my stomach hurt so bad last I couldn't sleep I was aching I was making groans
01:17:23
tell me no no yeah my tummy and kilo would and I was farting up because we had this garlic sauce remember the
01:17:30
garlic sauce I was farting out something just abysmal man like it was it stunk up the whole
01:17:37
room I know yeah yeah yeah and it was like um a thick jungle like thick Napal
01:17:44
napom garlic and [ __ ] that's like it blankets the room yeah it blankets the room yeah like the Army could use it
01:17:50
yeah right yeah yeah yeah and so it was just blanking the room and every 10 second sh it was like I was spreading my
01:17:57
cheeks apart too because you didn't want to Flap I didn't want to Flap right yeah so right and and and Kila would just
01:18:03
kind of rub my head y okay what can I do what can I do and some pale white chick would have been like I'm out of here mhm
01:18:10
right ew you're grow are you farting yeah go in the other room and I just kind of like the fact that Kila is like
01:18:17
will go deep into the pxy will she smell it she doesn't like it oh yeah she just
01:18:23
is like it is she go m she didn't go M she do that that would be hot yeah she
01:18:28
[Music] goes yeah so you know um so you ended up where you belonged yeah but there was a
01:18:35
time where I was like maybe I could get like you know did you ever get latea Milano or whatever did you ever get laid
01:18:41
at the nightclub you never took home one girl from all the years you spent in nightclubs
01:18:47
really what about girls that will like recognize you from Mad TV still like a girl that comes up to
01:18:54
you that's like you're so funny I want to drink with you and you drink and you party with them and you never got
01:18:59
laid what about like a kiss I was like Joey Diaz in the sense that like I kind of dated inh house like your like your
01:19:07
cousins like f no no no because Joey Diaz is you know girlfriend right or wife you know I mean with was a waitress
01:19:14
at The Comedy Store correct right yeah and I knew her way back then so it's like um it's just it's inh house right
01:19:21
so it's like you start you know covet what you see like Buffalo Bill and Silence of the Lambs right you C it you
01:19:28
know bad reference no I love that reference it's the truth it's like you cover what's around so then you start
01:19:34
dating you know a comic right right or you know a waitress or whatever it's it
01:19:40
that you know that's way when Jim Carrey you know his first wife was a waitress at The Comedy Store you covet what you
01:19:46
see and so I just kind of stayed inh house rather than going outside you know I think later in life you know when I
01:19:53
became um more of a name it became much easier when I had a fan base but in the
01:19:59
beginning of Matt TV I didn't have that it was it took years and years to get a fan base before we go yeah I want you to
01:20:08
apologize to me for not texting me back even to say no I don't want to the word
01:20:14
no is fine nope no I don't even need no thanks no on text not in person in
01:20:22
person you say you do say something nice to me you apologize for your behavior say I'm sorry I should text
01:20:32
back I don't know why I can't do it I'm just close your eyes I can't do it you don't even have to look at me just close
01:20:38
your eyes but I don't feel sorry is that okay if I don't feel sorry it's fine just all right so just know what I'm saying I don't mean at all okay at all
01:20:45
okay like I don't give a [ __ ] okay okay okay I'm sorry for not texting you back that's good enough thank you for being a
01:20:52
bad friend yeah
01:21:02
woo
01:21:07
woo wo [Music]
