00:00:00
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notification bell right there or down there because then you know when we post an episode
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um we know that a lot of you like it yeah and we want you to get notifications for it to see
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sure you know we're in people's faces yeah we're going to be in your face right now yeah so please subscribe okay do it now
00:00:41
seriously we'll we're just going to wait until you do it i'm not gonna no we're not gonna we're not gonna do the show until you do
00:00:46
it i'm not gonna talk to you do it go
00:00:53
we're not doing it we're not gonna go then until you do it just [ __ ] press the [ __ ] now press it
00:01:01
all right we'll relax sorry they're gonna do it all right you two are bad friends who are these two idiots why
00:01:08
dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad
00:01:15
friends hey so i come in here today feeling so jolly and um carefree as they
00:01:22
say i understand i walk in here and i see this little nice little painting here yeah
00:01:27
and this is me um as a [ __ ] are you chinese in that i don't know
00:01:34
what he is but i i'm not you know do you not know that's a korean warrior okay but that's a whole tool have you you know
00:01:41
hotu is yeah what are you there an english dignitary yeah exactly i'm a pretty boy okay you
00:01:48
look regal in that yeah like like you're you run some [ __ ] i'm royalty
00:01:54
i'm carrying rice to me the royalty to eat i'm hungry yeah but i live in wuhan right
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you have to carry it to england that's right 90 000 pounds of rice on my on your shoulder oh my god but it feels
00:02:07
hand drawn and drawn by a man by the name of jack hansby yeah let me read you a letter read his letter read the letter okay hi
00:02:14
bobby love your stuff a lot so i painted you a painting i hope you like it
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if not okay
00:02:24
so um welcome to the podcast bad friends welcome to the bad friends so we got chad sleeping good at all same you want to talk about it i
00:02:31
want to well i want to talk what i've been um actually um do you have a lot of fear i
00:02:38
have a lot of fear and i have a lot of questions in life because what happened was um
00:02:44
i'll just say this during a couple of nights ago in la there was an earthquake at around 3 30 4
00:02:52
in the morning and i know let me just explain okay and so the earthquake erupts
00:03:00
and i know what juliana did juliana you probably slept right through it right right she slept right through it um i
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was already awake the earthquake i was playing this game on my um ipad it's called uh palace and conquerors or
00:03:14
something like that and um earthquake happened and i i kind of looked up
00:03:21
it was over and then i started playing my game again maybe i didn't stop playing i don't know yeah so some people react like that um
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there are those also so i have i have a friend i have a friend right you may or may not know him but
00:03:36
the earthquake happened and he went like he woke up he was sleeping and went he went he went
00:03:46
what's going on right and blood rush to his head right and that's a reaction of um
00:03:54
some people call that cowardly some people would call that weak i call it um he was just scared
00:04:02
surprised so he goes oh and he goes to the bathroom because he
00:04:08
has to take a fear [ __ ] now a lot of white people when they get scared they take
00:04:13
fear shits and it's like it's it's a combination of um gas and diarrhea right maybe a little
00:04:20
bit of blood and so he took a little fear [ __ ] and as he got up from the fear [ __ ] he goes he goes oops he goes
00:04:28
this is what he goes he goes oops i lose consciousness and he hits his head you know i mean on
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a cabinet and he almost gouges his eye out and so um and then what happens is he
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goes wifey wifey i i heard
00:04:50
i got scared from from the earthquake right it's cause
00:04:56
they they go oh they always go to the other side it's almost as bad as your stand-up comedy that's how bad this is yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's a bad
00:05:02
[ __ ] yeah yeah you're a bad you're your whole life is a bad bit why are you so angry right now because you're
00:05:07
you're you spent four minutes on a dog [ __ ] story that's not even that's what happened to you i woke up
00:05:13
that's what happened to you i had a couple of drinks why is he so angry today can i tell the real story
00:05:19
i woke up i've i'm gonna be so drunk stuff was breaking so i ran into the
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guest room yeah and i had woken up so fast that i my equilibrium was off because i also had a couple drinks with
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my neighbor oh i didn't know that we'll throw in the details next time you call me you're not listening anyway bob you
00:05:38
don't listen to me ever i need details like hemingway i need specific what the sunset looks like
00:05:44
you can't just say sunset you got to say glowing red no heavyweight said sunset made you figure it out you can figure
00:05:49
out the rest in this case hemingway i had a couple of drinks i woke up i went to go hear what was break and see
00:05:55
if the dog was okay and then when i walked back to the room i lost my balance because the blood was
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rushed to my head i got up so fast and the earthquake was still shaking that i sat on the hallway toilet in the bathroom
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to to to level myself but i had flipped my my up and down had flipped so much i
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blacked out i blacked out and i hit my head yeah and i busted what's the difference and i
00:06:18
busted my head over the story that i told and your story you threw an unnecessary
00:06:23
um you said uh coward lie not true i wanted to make sure my dog and my house were
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okay you know what you're right yeah my stuff was breaking i got nervous i thought oh
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my god first of all what if the tv fell on the dog what if the tv fell on the dog
00:06:40
the dog meanwhile you're playing i'm 50. i like ipad games at 3am
00:06:45
you're you're in shut up shut up shut up rudy do you like your new painting yeah
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[Laughter] i did i went to the er honestly no but
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look at my eyes busted for the fans yeah and i went and got my skull and my noggin checked and i went in an imaging
00:07:02
machine and i was scared because the only one they had was in panorama city you can google it it's not nice
00:07:09
and i got nervous the whole time let me just ask and they send back the
00:07:14
results and they said you're fine but you have an overwhelming amount of stress in your blood level do you by chance work with a korean man
00:07:20
day on a weekly basis i said yeah i work with a little troll a little booger-eating troll
00:07:25
in a room in the valley and they said that could be part of the problem rudy your painting is dope though it's a
00:07:30
really good painting and the knife got hung up that's really nice let me ask you this question honestly how tight is that
00:07:36
painting dear friend hey baby a dear friend yeah so um and this is an honest question i'm not trying to be funny or facetious
00:07:42
don't roll your eyes because i know it's coming no it's not you're gonna make fun of me you think i'm not gonna i'm not gonna make fun of you i need
00:07:48
questions answered okay all right okay so if you're walking down the street yes and there's a little just let me
00:07:55
finish my question and there's a little wind do you go
00:08:00
tornado i hit the deck and you hit the deck i hit the deck okay that's all i wanted to ask i freak out right yeah i would love to
00:08:06
see you in a real situation of fear if you see you know what i'm gonna do what i'm gonna pay someone to come rob
00:08:11
you guys with a real knife and a real gun yeah and i'm gonna see who steps up to the plate not you you're not gonna protect the
00:08:16
girls you have no idea you're a puss puss you're a little puss puss boy i have a
00:08:22
puss you're a puss puss boy oh okay you won't you won't fight or protect you're not a protector
00:08:27
you either yes that's why i jumped up you i've never no that's not why you got up from the
00:08:32
[ __ ] thing why'd i get up cause you didn't know what was going on no i knew it was you got confused i woke up i knew it's an earthquake you got
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confused i heard stuff crashing and i thought it was oh my god i thought oh my god what did the world what if what if is the dog okay did
00:08:44
something break is something heavy is everything okay yeah yeah they should make you know they should remake this is you
00:08:50
i smoke a cigarette and i play ipad them late night booger don't make fun of me
00:08:57
dude i had to go to the hospital okay the hospital
00:09:05
i'm just saying they should remake certain movies about you you should be there there is no movies yeah like like
00:09:10
like armageddon speaking of speaking just let me finish yeah armageddon part then remake the earthquake armageddon no
00:09:17
no no it no you're in it right uh-huh asteroids coming right and then the credits roll down because
00:09:24
nothing happens you're the hero of the story nothing happens the credits scroll down and everyone's in the movie they're going
00:09:30
i guess everyone dies they've already made a movie about you there we go here we go this is what i like about our relationship this
00:09:37
i miss this they made so several movies about you i love what's eating gilbert grape you
00:09:42
were you were fantastic in that oh i'm at the leonardo dicaprio uh i am sam you were very good in that oh
00:09:47
i see yeah yeah yeah you're saying that the one with johnny what no the one with johnny knoxville that was about you wasn't it were you
00:09:54
trying to go the olympics what's even eating gilbert am i the fat mother could be no you're you're saying that i am you're here as
00:10:00
much as you're anybody else in that movie yeah yeah i want my son that's you you are the you're the obese mother that
00:10:07
they're gonna have to remove from your video game layer in 20 years when you die of lack of movement
00:10:12
and the whole time you'll be young i want my war zone we played we did play i'm terrible i'm so bad it's
00:10:19
un it's not even funny bobby would you check in with me andrew are you still okay no it was it
00:10:26
was it was fun to play with you because um so bad the first couple times you died
00:10:31
you didn't open up your parachute yeah well you have to learn how to jump no one gave me the details i know and
00:10:36
then you jumped off a building and you didn't open up your parachute oh three stories i thought he could take the hit yeah no you didn't you broke your legs
00:10:43
we revived you you did well no you didn't uh uh uh uh josh did yeah josh price very
00:10:50
good he's phenomenal how good is that guy he saved me six times and we won twice i know that isn't it but first of all
00:10:56
you have to understand how difficult it is i know i talked to some friends nobody wins we won nobody wins i know we won what happened
00:11:03
i just didn't but it was very joyous it was because you have a win in your column can you
00:11:08
can you can you tell the fans one thing even though i didn't get credit for it but they they said it was true
00:11:15
i killed a guy you did but i didn't get credit because what is it it said it was uh what this is what
00:11:21
happened yeah okay is is that um somebody had hit the guy
00:11:26
maybe a couple of times sure but you had the final elimination yeah right but because maybe that person
00:11:31
got a little bit more damage on the guy they get the kick yeah you didn't get the kill but you will get kills
00:11:37
i feel like because of your temperament yeah and your aggressiveness that you will get like five six kills
00:11:43
i'm gonna yeah at some point yeah do you like the game i love it can i show you a gift yeah
00:11:48
somebody did something for you a friend of a friend of a friend made you an operator
00:11:56
how cool is that that's really cool isn't that cool yeah they should have that operator so here's the thing i think we
00:12:02
should start some kind of petition to get your bobby lee operator on the game look they do this with all other sports
00:12:08
uh games i have friends that are in other video games yeah how come you can't have an operator that's you
00:12:13
in the game and that looks good too yeah that looks good there's already a
00:12:18
korean woman in the game that's what this is no that's the uh they put my face on the russian guy's
00:12:24
body on the russian guy's body but actually that's you know this image can do you remember this image this is taken from
00:12:29
an actual image oh you know what that image is yeah that's me my first second headshot at
00:12:34
mad tv that's exactly right you shaved half of your head you were really cute i was cute what happened to me no you look good now now
00:12:41
you're it's just your um uh it's just your your your there's different things that are cute about you
00:12:47
that you didn't have back then like what your comedy confidence is better i think so yeah much more
00:12:52
yeah uh you're definitely more um comfortable in your skin there you go you i'm waiting for it yeah
00:12:59
i don't know what else are you waiting for me to be mean yeah i'm not gonna it's a nice day today
00:13:05
yeah i had a perspective on life because i got out of the hospital feeling were you scared because um i could covet
00:13:11
and all that stuff yeah now was the you went to the er right yeah now where were there
00:13:17
people with obviously everyone's wearing a mask in the lobby yeah they don't you they they let you in one at a time they let you in one at a
00:13:23
time are you sitting with anywhere near anybody else nope nope and are there people there for covid
00:13:30
when i went no they have they tell you which is crazy they go um do you or anyone you know in your
00:13:35
household have had covet symptoms or have had coveted self-diagnosed no okay they say today we have not had
00:13:41
any covet patients but we're required to tell you if we've had anyone come in here with cobit i said oh okay
00:13:47
they immediately took me in an isolated room met with a doctor told her my symptoms she was very cool she did a post-concussion test
00:13:53
are you wearing a mask at the whole time oh yeah you have to and gloves and face shield wow um they did a post concussed test to
00:14:00
make sure i'm not i didn't have concussion and then she did a bunch of blood work tons of blood work
00:14:05
you got to couch your eye out man i missed it's actually the cut is actually on my if you when you get close to me
00:14:11
you can see the cut hits my eyelid so i actually missed my eye by this much my god blacked out
00:14:16
yeah blacked out and she she was like just confused on the angle because i was
00:14:23
like oh my my neck hurts so i can't move my neck this much um she was wondering how i hit
00:14:28
the floor because that's what she was worried about what part of my head hit first when i went for the cat scan that's when i
00:14:33
started to get emotional because i got nervous i was like oh my god what if something happened but i'm fine it's an okay day and i'm back with you
00:14:41
and i feel good yeah i go to the hospital over the last um but i was nervous i'm not gonna lie
00:14:47
i've been in cdr so many times it's scary because of kalila well because she has a life threatening yeah she has a
00:14:53
heart condition yeah so i i've been to the hospital many many times she's never had a stroke has she no
00:14:59
what what do you mean people ca people have mini strokes no she's not gonna have no stroke do you know what a stroke is my dad died
00:15:05
from one yeah i do so what is it he uh he the he has high blood pressure
00:15:11
and and his veins and his brain all the veins that lead up to his brain are clogged and the blood can't get to
00:15:17
the brain right and then your blood your brain needs oxygen blood it starts where though what where does
00:15:24
this also the heart from the heart yeah so my question was valid i it's it's so i know i was trying to be
00:15:29
nice to you mm-hmm and i was gonna be no i was trying to be nice but that's my pet peeve when people
00:15:36
go treat me like i think you really think that i have some sort of mental deficiency
00:15:41
do you know what a stroke is explain it to me yeah because i know you don't know i do know my dad died from one if your
00:15:47
dad didn't die from it you wouldn't know did you know what a stroke was before your dad died a stroke yeah i of course i know what a [ __ ] stroke is i don't
00:15:53
know you don't know much there's a lot of stuff you don't know bob go ahead let it out
00:15:59
no this is retaliation for you being mean to me up talking about my injuries yeah you were bro bro i can't wait till
00:16:04
you pass out and get hurt
00:16:14
i don't have a lot of friends dino you know this right juliana knows this i
00:16:19
don't have a i don't talk to a lot of people right and um i have you know maybe four friends yeah
00:16:27
um you're a part of that infrastructure i know a friendship right it's very
00:16:33
difficult to get into that kingdom you know the kingdom is closed for um
00:16:40
enlightened hierarchy do you think it's because most people don't want to get in that kingdom anymore there's other ones available
00:16:45
maybe but but i still have a very strict dress code you have a dress code yeah
00:16:52
also you know philosophical code okay okay so it's like just imagine me being a kingdom right
00:17:00
you're being a gate a king i'm a king you're a king and there's a gate yeah and
00:17:05
people walk up knock knock knock hello can i be bobby's friend yeah and then
00:17:11
there's a you have to go into a room you take a test what's the test oh there's a mill do you know there's 10
00:17:17
questions pretty much there's 10 questions what are they um do you know what
00:17:23
what the first question is chicago pizza or detroit pizza chicago
00:17:30
there we go cat's number so i passed yeah you passed number one okay all right number two it's rolling stones or the
00:17:36
beetles neither trick question that's exactly what it is exactly what it is all right
00:17:42
right yeah number three um what is the most important area of the
00:17:48
genitalia the [ __ ] the taint or the head of the penis there's another
00:17:54
quick question it's all the above [Laughter] that's what i'm saying kingdom is
00:18:01
exclusive yeah it's very exclusive well i'm glad i'm your friend well there's also physical challenges i'll kiss you yeah yeah do you know
00:18:08
what's so funny is the one of the first times that we ever like started to talk to each other as in friendly conversation
00:18:13
you would kiss me yeah you're the first guy that i would go even on stage after we've done a couple of times where
00:18:19
uh andrews brought me up and aurora brought him up and i look in front of a pack room a couple hundred
00:18:24
people i'll look at andrew he'll bring me up bobby lee and i'll cross paths and i'll go and you'll just go i'll know better and
00:18:31
you'll kiss on my lips i gotta kiss you and people will laugh and i go and i don't even say anything about it you just walk right because that's
00:18:36
called he's in part of my kingdom you're the kid i'm in a kingdom right and so when i play warzone some of these kids i play
00:18:41
with they want to desperately get in there's the ones that are in there are so good
00:18:46
there's a husband and wife combination that we played with yeah yeah and they're both phenomenal phenomenal yeah i don't know
00:18:52
who's better her or him yeah yeah i mean i don't know because i'm not smart with that stuff yeah but they're very good yeah but
00:18:58
they're all bad friends fans no you're right right right i mean they are you should imagine imagine if
00:19:05
honestly yeah if you wanted to play the game and i'm not around yeah right literally play with them i mean
00:19:12
there's so many what you do is this what i did was like who can carry me
00:19:17
that's the question so when people message me on playstation people will go
00:19:23
i'm okay at it right you're out yeah you need to be very good there are people like raymie and josh
00:19:29
price and gus i'm probably one of the best out there i was i'm a tournament i'm like i was professional cod player two years
00:19:36
ago i was ranked you know i mean 123 in the world or whatever can they make money at that
00:19:41
i mean there's a guy i don't know what his name is but he makes what five million dollars a week playing video games oh a week something
00:19:47
like that yeah yeah what yeah do you know about this stuff rude no and here's this because you're a
00:19:54
comedian and because i'm bad i i honestly think that if we started a twitch a bad
00:20:00
friends and we played once a week for like five or six hours we could make money five million dollars
00:20:06
not five million dollars a couple grand is that guy good cool the five million dollar guy or
00:20:11
people just like there's a guy out there that makes so much money that like maybe 100 million a year or something on just playing yeah and he he's
00:20:19
really good we picked the wrong [ __ ] career i should have no because there are people in our our thing that make a lot of
00:20:26
money as well only a few bro nobody in our who's making a hundred million dollars
00:20:31
in our josh not josh josh rogan josh joe rogan does josh rogan joe rogan how much does he make he
00:20:37
makes a lot he doesn't make 100 million in comedy no way not even close yeah but his spotify deal was different thing
00:20:43
i mean that's a podcaster that's who we are we're podcasters
00:20:52
[Music] this is a product that we use here at bad friends that's right we're about to start selling merch to you guys we
00:20:58
already sell stuff online individually with our other shows and we are going to use ship station once again this is the fastest easiest and most
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affordable way to manage and ship your orders as folks adapt to this changing world we're all going to be buying stuff more
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online than ever before if you're an e-commerce seller and you're ready to meet the demands of our
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new delivery culture be ready with shipstation be ready with shipstation if you're selling stuff online there's no reason not to use it
00:21:21
no matter if you're selling on amazon etsy your own website they bring you orders into one simple interface it's easy to
00:21:27
use and manage and they work with usps bob fedex who else ups
00:21:32
yeah amazon yeah no matter what you're selling etsy your own website et cetera et cetera et
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cetera et cetera they're gonna do it ship station's number one choice of online sellers you'll ship more and less time with the best rates possible and available right
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now bad friends listeners can try shipstation for free for 60 days when used to offer code bad friends make sure to
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your business is ready meet the demands of delivery culture click on the microphone at the top of the home page type in bad friends shipstation.com enter the
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promo code bad friends shipstation.com makeship happen
00:22:01
we all shop online do we not yeah constantly and we've all seen that promo code field taunt us for at checkout
00:22:08
yeah and all the time it's saying hey do you have a promo code to save money and you're like no because i don't use honey but if you use
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honey all you have to do is have honey and at checkout the honey button drops it automatically
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applies coupons for you for 30 000 stores online damn it honey supports
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30 000 stores online they range from sites that have tech and gaming products to
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pop to popular fashion brands and even food deliveries oh bobby loves
00:22:38
food delivery if you're if you're trying to find a coupon for something that you love i promise honey has it it's extremely simple
00:22:43
to get honey is easy to use 17 million members and they've saved over 2 billion dollars it's that easy if you don't have
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honey you'll be missing out on free savings it literally just logs into promo code you don't have to do anything and it's free and installs
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in seconds you're doing yourself a solid and supporting the bad friends show so get honey for free at joinhoney.com
00:23:02
bad friends everybody joinhoney.com friends i want to show you some this is why we're good friends somebody made
00:23:09
this but let me make a point real quick before you even do that
00:23:18
oh it's like the aha yeah video just a nice loop of us
00:23:26
bobby and andrew scooting through the hallway they're in love they're in love
00:23:34
bobby and andrew [Music]
00:23:45
i'm holding on to him we might fall over because there's an earthquake happening
00:23:52
i could die because i'm clinging on to a coward a [ __ ] cow or a [ __ ]
00:23:59
he don't know nothing you like that you're such a little dick
00:24:05
what you said to kello you did it you did you add it on yeah yeah andrew um
00:24:10
yeah andreas wants to um call you he wants to call me now yeah okay all right let's call this guy
00:24:18
i want you to say that again wait wait stop for a second say that again say what say it again andrew andreas
00:24:24
wants to call you
00:24:31
no say it again andrew andreas wants to call you oh thank you
00:24:38
and if you don't do that from now on they made a compilation of that yeah we do we have a compilation of you
00:24:44
not getting to the mic get closer to the mic stresses me out it does i know because it's too far away
00:24:50
[Music] hello hello
00:24:55
hi hi sweetheart hi
00:25:01
did you want to talk well yeah after our talk last well after your
00:25:08
show last week and i thought you guys talked about fashion and i think so i i bought you guys
00:25:15
something i have a gift for you rudy has it and you rudy can you give give it to them yeah
00:25:22
and i decided to share a little bit of like style with you guys oh my god thank you did you really buy
00:25:28
us a gift incredible yes i just sanitize it you don't need a
00:25:33
sanitizer tyson he sanitized it already oh my god andres oh andreas this is like
00:25:41
one of his your oh my god andres these are the european shirts insurance oh it's by design
00:25:50
look at that no you want to wear it yeah let's wear it from now on what is it this is called decidual
00:25:57
oh dude let's see wow oh wait say it again how do you say it in your language
00:26:05
this is so nice yeah i'm looking well can we show look you look at how unnecessary look at this
00:26:10
so this is the best part where is this from what country is this is from this from
00:26:16
spain so in spain look at this this is so spanish clothing first of all bobby has two shirts that they just made into one
00:26:22
right yeah and then so this is what they do look at what they do all the time yeah 84 so they took football numbers and put
00:26:27
it on a t on a shirt yeah and it's down here again just in case and look what it says here
00:26:33
love the world love love love yeah this is so nice positive energy
00:26:41
thank you positive energy thank you so much andres this is yours i have a fancy dish rack
00:26:50
now it actually looks good that's actually a cool shirt yeah
00:26:56
it's a little too small what size did you get bobby i think i i mean an anal
00:27:04
but it's a european now it's a european one it doesn't it's not small then it's a
00:27:09
little tight rudy is his shirt a little tight i think it's fine thank you yeah well
00:27:14
that's because she has residency at your house yeah thank you so much andreas we will get you a gift too one day
00:27:21
oh no that's that's no i really like it thank you so much okay okay thank you bye bye bye guys
00:27:33
well we've got our spanish shirts on do you like it it's not really that
00:27:40
spanish it looks like somebody that a homeless person in bangladesh
00:27:46
would wear you know i mean yeah like it you know it has this third world quality which i love
00:27:52
third world wear but you know it's it just feels like it's just patched together you can buy this
00:27:58
on the streets of calcutta yeah yeah meanwhile i think he told
00:28:03
like you're you're if you're with a prostitute in calcutta you need to get no no and you and you
00:28:09
you like come on the wall she gives you this to clean it off
00:28:14
i was to say if you got one in calcutta and you had a t-shirt on she's like you can't come in unless you have a collared shirt
00:28:20
go buy a three dollar oh yeah sure yeah that's that's what it is this is a calculator three dollar
00:28:25
prostitute shirt and then you you go to the store or write three dollars and you almost contemplate not even getting it and you're saying [ __ ]
00:28:31
oh god i don't even wanna have to wear that inside yeah rudy who's this more whose is better
00:28:38
and and rank it when i say better i mean which one do you do you hate the most okay i think
00:28:46
they're both pretty bad i think yours this is this is pretty bad excuse me say it in
00:28:51
the mic i think it's um tito andrews is the worst yeah it's pretty bad
00:28:57
yeah it's got football numbers on it right here and up here yeah this is pretty bad i haven't but
00:29:02
yours is just honestly it's just two shirts they threw away two shirts yeah it's the
00:29:07
left side of some guy's shirt and left got a dead guy shirt but honestly if i wore this in any kind of like um
00:29:13
business meeting and especially if i met people for the very first time embarrassing i'm probably not going to
00:29:19
get the job they they'd ask you to leave well i don't think they would ask me to leave but they would just be like you know when you know during the audition
00:29:26
or whatever they would do the smile but they would just be so distracted by they go yeah can we ask you something
00:29:33
yeah the shirt why did you choose is it because the character is it is that was a
00:29:38
character and the way i wear this that's your shirt yeah right this i get this in the spin oh is there
00:29:47
it's a good good script from e-design design honestly it looks it looks terrible and genuinely doesn't
00:29:52
do you any favors and if it's not part of the character i don't know why you wore that to the audition today well it's loud it's distracting it
00:29:58
doesn't make any sense well as a guessing director you should use your imagination my imagination is saying that i can't see you in any other normal clothes
00:30:04
because you have a really bad stupid shirt on right but if i get the job my acting skills are good the job is not going to happen there's no chance we're
00:30:09
going to give you the job yeah but the word there's no chance you would never get the job but you'll never get the job bye-bye bye
00:30:14
[Laughter] don't you miss going to bad auditions by the way i miss going in bombing
00:30:21
auditions i miss saying no i miss bombing auditions i miss saying i can't do it or making some excuse it
00:30:28
was so funny because there was a three-year period where i would make excuses it's just too hot every i know
00:30:33
i've got to take it i gotta take it off it's the worst that's bad it's very bad thank you andres thank you we'll keep it here we'll keep
00:30:40
it here [Laughter] how much are these i honestly i feel bad
00:30:46
i think they're expensive i know you gotta be real how about this you know what we should do what hey uh if any bad friends are out there
00:30:52
why don't you guys email uh us we'll sign them and we'll sign them and send them to you whoever we will randomly pick yeah we'll randomly pick
00:30:59
who gets the shirts and we'll sign them and we'll mail you we'll sign them the fancy be sure you're gonna do more than sign it though
00:31:04
well we'll write a message in it or something i don't know if you can really sign those that'd be hard we'll sign a bad friend's uh picture for
00:31:11
you but email us why don't you guys email us why you why you think you deserve the shirt yeah and do it at uh
00:31:16
badfriendsmail gmail.com badfriendsmail gmail.com we'll send somebody those beautiful andreas
00:31:22
de secure shirts oh yeah this is so funny so i when i was driving over here my
00:31:27
manager had texted me and she goes improv is doing some summer drive-ins in
00:31:32
irvine do you want to do 8 15 or 8 29 and watch what uh that's like saying
00:31:41
watch that's like saying like saying hey next week
00:31:50
are you typing this to your manager yeah so so she said that hey that's like saying hey next week
00:31:57
can you eat a bucket
00:32:04
of broken glass [Laughter] eight fifteen or eight eight twenty nine
00:32:09
yeah yeah yeah 8 15 8 15. pick a day yeah 8 15
00:32:16
or 8 29. you want to write one yeah all right
00:32:24
i'll say or hey hey hey next week next week week
00:32:33
yeah do you have time in your schedule do you have time wait do you have time i have time just say you have
00:32:38
time time two two visit this
00:32:43
visit this aids prison
00:32:50
eighth prison 8 15 or 80 there's going to be a certain aids prison in haiti yeah in 80.
00:32:58
8 15 or 8 20. 80 8 15 or 8 20. is she gonna be pissed off i don't give a [ __ ] because that is the
00:33:05
most ridiculous eight but there are people that probably go yeah i'll do it does she have fun
00:33:11
with you like that does she ever joke back no she's gonna go
00:33:16
she'll say something like a simple no would suffice oh so you don't have this kind of rapport with her i just sent it anyway
00:33:24
if you don't have that kind of report i don't understand or hey next week do you have time to
00:33:30
visit this aids prison in haiti 8 15 or 20. that's so mean i i got an offer saying
00:33:37
what if she fired you because of that she's like i don't want to work with you bro bro and i want to
00:33:43
say this i love abby my manager abby i've been with her since
00:33:49
i was an open miker a long time yeah 20 years ago longer
00:33:54
25 years ago and she used to when i couldn't pay rent or pay phone
00:33:59
bills or anything like that she would pay it that's huge and she would always look at me and she
00:34:05
goes i honestly because at that time she had two producers that she was managing she was managing steve skrovan
00:34:11
who did everybody's loves raymond wow and then um um warren hutchinson who was doing
00:34:18
executive producing with the bernie mac show so she was making pretty good money all right right so she would just pay my
00:34:24
[ __ ] and she'd just be like i know for a fact that you're gonna work one day and pay me back
00:34:30
and you did and so when um things started rolling and the bigger
00:34:36
management companies were going you know the big ones we're going hey we want to sign you
00:34:43
trust me tempted right you said no but i would never leave her wow what is she who's she with
00:34:49
she's just independent she's a woman that lives in venice right and she just has her she works out
00:34:54
of her house you've met her she's been to the house and she and she's just a sweet you know
00:34:59
that's really nice you stuck with her my first manager was not the same case who was your first i noticed dude who's
00:35:05
not around anymore oh yeah i mean as far as i know i don't know what he's doing but he would you know he kind of like coerced me into
00:35:12
a like into his company i didn't even know if i wanted to be represented because i was like i don't know what does he do what i don't really know if
00:35:18
he has any does he really put you out on stuff and i landed a job
00:35:24
and i had to pay him for i don't even think he i don't know if he got it for me or someone got it
00:35:30
for me and i had to pay him anyway but he would make me drive his checks to
00:35:35
his house or he'd stop by my place and pick up checks and he come by with his girlfriend sometimes it bothered me so much it was
00:35:41
so gross and weird that the second season when we got picked up it was a hosting job that i made them renegotiate the
00:35:46
contract so i didn't have a manager i didn't have anybody and he said and he said he was going to sue me he goes i'm going to sue you
00:35:52
for the sunset clause i didn't know what that was yeah yeah and i said you better sue yeah you better sue me for the sunset claus
00:35:58
i'll see you back yeah and he says he's gonna sue me for for the uh for the payment on the next year of that show
00:36:04
it's it's funny and i wasn't making any money it was an internet thing yeah it's like it's super petty
00:36:10
it's funny how people bamboozle you early on when you don't know much well you don't you you don't know any better i don't know what
00:36:16
i'm so stupid and vulnerable and i just thought i guess if you can get me in yeah but the job i landed i'll never forget
00:36:22
you know who's in that room sklar brothers um uh uh uh what's the guy who hosts uh
00:36:30
um not ben bailey not cash cab the other guy that hosts like everything like that we know him he's a comic
00:36:38
matt eisen do you not remember him love him no you don't know him he does like um he
00:36:43
does wipe out oh yeah yeah magnet matt and then and and then another big name and i remember walking into the room and going
00:36:50
i'm 23. i'm brand new nobody here knows me i'll never ever get this job there's literally no chance these are
00:36:55
all guys that have hosted stuff i've seen before she literally go this pam frasier shout out i don't know where she is now
00:37:02
she goes honey you funny you're funny but you're not good at hosting and i was like oh okay i've never done
00:37:08
it before i don't know i'm just a comedian yeah she goes we go figure something out two days later she calls me back
00:37:14
she goes come back in they want to see how funny you are so i went in there i just got told jokes
00:37:19
live on camera yeah in a green screen room i didn't even think i thought this was just maybe to just
00:37:24
let them know me and they gave me the job i hate like weird [ __ ] like you know johnny sanchez
00:37:31
yeah so johnny and sanchez and i auditioned for this mountain dew commercial yeah and so
00:37:36
it was a call back right so four people would go in at a time yeah and then another four so they were
00:37:42
gonna pick three out of you know i mean the eight sure that went in so they go eric all right everyone
00:37:48
back in the room so we all came in the back of the room and some white dude just walks up and goes in and out out out
00:37:56
and i'm and then john we were the ones that are out yeah and johnny and are like you could just set that in the hallway yeah you didn't do that in front why did
00:38:02
you call
00:38:07
yeah what do we say about the korean guy yeah but what people don't realize is that like
00:38:12
we had spent three we had gone back there the third two or three times thinking parking yeah
00:38:18
santa monica right yeah it takes hours to get there if you don't know la traffic forever and that you can't
00:38:25
find parking anywhere no right so you're gonna get a ticket and you're stressed out because you can't you're never gonna make it you're never go yeah and then you you spent all these
00:38:32
hours doing it just so that somebody go out to your [ __ ] face in in
00:38:38
out yeah and looks in points at you like you're like i've been in before yeah right and when when they say in the
00:38:43
best i look at the outs and go loser i always do that bye
00:38:50
take it easy yeah is it what's the best when you got a call what was the best
00:38:55
job you got when you got that one that little that one that one that's the most exciting job you've ever had yeah you know why
00:39:01
why because it got me that's the i quit my day job that day it was the day i got to finally never work in a day job again i hung up the
00:39:08
phone i ran down the stairs and i ran on mid wilshire you i can't make this up from the e
00:39:14
building where that is that's where i used to work across the street all the way down all the way down
00:39:20
to vineland no sorry to what whatever lost philly's boulevard
00:39:25
whatever that is yeah louisville's boulevard right there high highland or no no hill hillhurst whatever road
00:39:31
ran all the way down sat there realizing i just ran out of the office
00:39:36
smiling laughing oh such is it the greatest oh
00:39:42
felt so good i never stopped running i just ran and ran and then i called my mom and i was like i'm never gonna have to work a job ever again i'm not gonna have
00:39:47
to worry oh my god that joy it felt so real can i tell you my best yeah what is it
00:39:53
so i get a call say from um sasha baron cohen's people that they want to do a table read for
00:39:59
the movie the dictator right and i go table read
00:40:04
yeah i mean they're just calling every comic and actor you're not gonna get the part thanks
00:40:10
yeah but so i i show up and it's one of those things where you don't read it oh and you go it's just
00:40:15
gonna be in our office who gives a [ __ ] right but then you show up and you realize oh there's an audience
00:40:21
yeah right so we're all on stage and if you look at the audio i'm not kidding you larry david gary shandling judd apatow
00:40:31
everybody just taking notes yeah they're all taking notes like they everyone in the industry and i'm sitting
00:40:37
there when nick crowell was there ran a zizzi just a bunch of [ __ ] people we're all everyone's has a part
00:40:44
and i'm just playing the part that i played in the movie right yeah so i just do it and
00:40:51
i leave this is probably the greatest moment in show business so larry charles who directed the movie
00:40:58
yeah gary shandling sasha they're all like sitting on this patio outside these two doors but people are
00:41:04
walking out and they're talking and i walk by them and gary goes gary
00:41:09
shanley goes stop you kid stop and i'd go what
00:41:15
and he turns to them and goes you should give that guy that part that guy killed it wow and i go oh i
00:41:22
just you know yeah you tried to play humble you go with that i don't know if it works it works right right right
00:41:29
and i remember i got in the car tears yeah tears people don't realize that
00:41:36
something like that because you i i was you know i feel like a loser all the time
00:41:41
yeah not being real no no i'm saying yeah yeah you get defeated yeah you just feel like a
00:41:46
loser that nobody wants you that you're never gonna really make it right
00:41:51
and so when you get a simple yes like that yeah it means a lot right you can start you start
00:41:56
fantasizing too and dreaming right gary and i are gonna hang out yeah yeah never sell them again but you know
00:42:02
i mean and just tears and you just like you know and i i want one of those wins features
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00:42:35
i do they're really actually nice they're they're not just uh golf socks so they have uh socks for running socks for just walking and
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00:42:47
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sir i can't unsurpassed performance you want to try that again no okay i don't features helped achieve
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00:43:39
first pair right i've had better like when larry david hired me for curb that was huge yeah that made me feel how
00:43:44
you just felt like oh my god i made larry david laugh yeah but the reason that that first job meant so much to me is because i finally could
00:43:51
quit my day job and i finally got to be a comic from then i was a kid who worked at a desk
00:43:57
and then at night at a comedy but couldn't take off she didn't they didn't let me leave i had to work this job to
00:44:02
pay rent yeah mommy and daddy weren't going to pay my rent so i just didn't have a choice but it's like that with first love too
00:44:09
definitely right when you like have a crush on somebody
00:44:14
and they don't reciprocate right um and you don't mean the 24 hour every day
00:44:22
just thinking about them and just being emotionally just crazy then you go i don't deserve them i guess
00:44:27
i'm too ugly and stupid have you ever asked someone to a dance and they said no oh so many times boom yeah just broke my
00:44:33
soul honestly a girl that quite frankly i was like you're not even that hot i brought a girl to prom yeah and i brought her there
00:44:41
i never saw her again i was her uber driver yeah it was a white girl i have a
00:44:48
[ __ ] problem photo at home blonde hair yeah she's like that she just walks up thanks bye i'm gonna go hang with my
00:44:54
friends well she just no she didn't even say that thanks close the door and she just went into the prom and i'm in the car stacey how'd you get
00:45:01
here that weird korean guy dropped me off yeah you thought you you he liked you did you think you like it
00:45:07
yeah yeah yeah that's so mean i asked a girl to go to a dance and she said i think i'm waiting for someone else to
00:45:12
ask me yeah and i was like ow and i picked her because i thought it'd be easier i'm like she's not even that good looking
00:45:18
she just texts back my manager okay she goes i was just asking because some
00:45:25
people are just dying to get out there no pun intended and they're doing these drive-ins i agree with you that it's not
00:45:30
worth it but i had to ask i don't think there's an aids prison in haiti there's two of them
00:45:36
and there's two of them there's two of them there's two of them wait can i by the
00:45:42
way i don't know if i've said this before do you know my claim to fame of going to a dance with someone in high school was i went with
00:45:47
do you remember brett michaels had a reality show called rock of love where he picked vaguely yeah okay the girl that won the
00:45:54
first season was a good was a friend of mine in high school and we went to a dance together and my mom sent me a picture he goes
00:45:59
she goes she's sorting out old pictures goes who is this girl i'll show you who she is yeah this is her
00:46:06
yeah i went to pr we went to we went to a dance together i don't know which dance we went to but oh she was more of this blonde look
00:46:13
when we were in high school together this was when she got on tv with brett michael she did the rock and roll pink hair yeah she's a
00:46:21
super [ __ ] cool girl and she seems cool she was dope as [ __ ] but we went to a dance together and she was a mega babe
00:46:27
and then she was the first person that i knew in my group of friends that like made it made it yeah exactly i was like
00:46:33
whoa she made it she's uh with brent michaels i was blown away i was like holy [ __ ]
00:46:39
what is she a billionaire now yeah was she worth eight billion dollars yeah but it was a reality show that i didn't even i didn't even
00:46:45
understand i didn't know what it was i was like oh what did she win i don't know you know who darren carter is come on
00:46:52
the party the party's okay so there's a comment i know who he is darren carter he's a redhead as well and he's they call him darren carter the
00:46:59
party starter he calls him that he calls himself yeah right he does so when i was an open miker in san diego
00:47:07
he was a doorman at the comedy store in la jolla he was yes you know he worked la jolla he lived in san diego i do know that i didn't know
00:47:13
he worked la jolla yeah he did so he was a doorman there right and um he brought me to this coffee shop to do an open mic and i
00:47:20
always thought he was a nice guy i love you very nice so much i still like him so that he moves to la i'm stealing it down there right and i'm
00:47:26
watching some cw or warner brothers show right and he has a line i was just in
00:47:32
the random sitcom and the doorbell rings some guy answers it and darren cars are going pizza
00:47:38
and they go yeah thanks and the door closes for a week i couldn't sleep why
00:47:45
i know that guy i know derek oh my god
00:47:52
losing your mind lose telling people around he's famous you know the guy that was at the [ __ ]
00:47:57
doorman at the [ __ ] la hoya comedy store i know him i know him like bragging about it he's
00:48:04
the pizza guy on the cw yeah yeah and then when i saw him again yeah i got nervous hey well they did that
00:48:11
how's la treating you yeah i hear you're doing good good things right and he was just
00:48:18
like what the [ __ ] is wrong with you i had one line in a w yeah mr humble over here
00:48:24
when does your emmy come in the mail do my dad embarrass me so much the first
00:48:29
time so the first time i ever saw a famous person was in downtown chicago when i was a kid at an ice cream store and it was the mom
00:48:35
from um the mom from uh uh uh fred savage show what's wrong with me yeah what can
00:48:41
i think of it uh uh what's wrong with the wonder years wonder years yeah and she signed a napkin for me that was
00:48:46
the first time the second time i ever saw someone famous yeah i didn't want to say hi because i thought it was so tom selleck in the
00:48:52
airport whoa check this out yeah my dad i go dad it's tom selleck and he goes where
00:49:00
right there right there like right like right you know like 20 feet away yeah and he goes holy [ __ ] tom schillick
00:49:07
no tom selleck turns he goes what's up and tom stella goes hello and my dad goes right on
00:49:14
now
00:49:21
[Laughter]
00:49:27
now what you do is i cuz i still get like that with people yeah but if i if i'm at an airport and i
00:49:33
see them then i become an extra like i don't know what it is my defense mechanism
00:49:38
mechanisms come out so i'm not like that i could become more douchey almost well because you don't know how to act sometimes
00:49:46
i could be a huge fan yeah and think about what's up and i could be like hey but meanwhile i would suck that
00:49:53
guy's dick right meanwhile you know you're just pretending inside right yeah because you just you don't know how to act i don't
00:49:58
know what actually it's only because you if i don't admire someone if i don't think they're amazing if i'm not like whoa that guy or that girl is so good at what
00:50:05
they do if i just see someone that's famous i usually just you know okay whatever yeah but if i
00:50:10
like them then i get my brain changes oh my god if i'm like [ __ ] i really think they're good at what they do like when sebastian monoskalko
00:50:17
he would i kept asking him because when he was in that uh the irishman he was saying one night he said that um
00:50:24
joe petchey like after they were done shooting a scene goes hey come to my trailer i have a chef
00:50:33
i'll cook your meal and it's insane like all right he shows up it's like a a full-blown
00:50:39
chef yeah like a real [ __ ] he's in joe petchey's trailer eating a steak right and in my head i'm
00:50:47
like wow you know that's how they live that's how they look and then like he was saying that
00:50:52
you know when you work with dinero de niro was just like hey i heard you doing great things in the comedy business and
00:50:58
gave him a hug oh right cool like those little moments yeah i don't know if i would be able i think
00:51:04
i would just melt yeah i do when i was walking from set to lunch with larry david i had nothing good to say i love that
00:51:10
guy by the way love was a nice guy i had nothing good to say so i was nervous i was nervous i never get nervous yeah but it's larry
00:51:15
it's different you know what i mean it's like he's the one he's the one so i'm walking to lunch with him and i'm
00:51:20
silent and he's like uh you're good you did good in the scene i was like oh thanks like he's trying to
00:51:26
start conversation because we're walking together yeah and i was like thank you very much
00:51:32
and you can tell he's pulling teeth yeah oh man and then he goes he goes
00:51:37
jeff said you do stand up garland right i go yeah yeah would you stand up together at the comedy story he goes awesome yeah yeah like go keep going
00:51:45
what are you doing i got i didn't know and then what are you doing you're better than that no he but he's but it's larry
00:51:51
because i think anything i'm gonna say he's gonna be like what shut up like i'm afraid he's gonna be like you're an idiot don't say that
00:51:56
don't ask me that so i just kind of kept quiet then we sat when we sat at lunch then jeff showed up and it made me feel better because jeff
00:52:03
you know jeff hey hey love yeah that's full of life i love that guy he
00:52:10
took care of it for me and then i started talking and got normal but i was nervous around larry larry's a [ __ ] he's a comedic king so to me
00:52:16
i don't want to say the thing where he goes to a party one night or is with a friend and goes yeah you know what that kid said some
00:52:22
dumb [ __ ] to me on the way to lunch yeah it was really annoying because i did the show season five when the show was more
00:52:27
popular and um oh my god and you know what it got less popular after you did it do you think that was a con do you think
00:52:33
that was a coincidence you think that was a coincidence stop that might be damaged from the earthquake
00:52:41
why am i so mean to you i actually asked the doctor that yeah why i said should i look for any signs or symptoms of of brain damage and she goes
00:52:47
you'll know you'll know oh yeah so that i think that's it no coco
00:52:53
coco that's not it ask me a question let's see if i can solve it real fast go i want a riddle no okay yeah i'm being
00:53:00
real yeah i'm a riddle yeah don't say [ __ ] riddle me this batman so
00:53:06
listen to me a grandfather got it his father and his grandson
00:53:13
right a grandfather yeah his father and their grandfather his son and his
00:53:19
grandson so grandfather his son and his grandson
00:53:26
okay they go fishing okay you know this one no okay they go fishing you're right
00:53:33
and they're in one car okay on their way back they get in a car accident oh no yeah
00:53:39
the grandfather and his son they die of course the grandson is still alive but he needs
00:53:45
surgery right he's in the emergency room right he needs surgery right away the
00:53:50
surgeon walks in and says i can't operate on this boy he's my son
00:53:55
what happened the doctor's father and
00:54:02
grandfather took his son out fishing
00:54:09
what are you saying i think i got it no that's not it what are you talking about the surgeon walks in the grandfather and
00:54:14
his son is dead the grandson's still alive the surgeon goes i can't operate on this boy he's my son what happened
00:54:21
i can't operate in this boy he's my son but you're saying his dad and his granddad died in a car accident yeah
00:54:28
this mom has been sleeping around yeah this mom's a [ __ ] so you think that's what it's a horror riddle you think that's what it is it's
00:54:34
a riddle yeah that's not the answer what is it you don't want to give up i think you're being too vague i think we're missing a
00:54:39
detail no we're not it's very simple the surgeon thinks it's his kid no
00:54:44
because because he's been knocking with knocking boots with this girl this woman is a [ __ ] no that is
00:54:50
happening what is it the answer yeah the search is his mom
00:54:56
and that's sexist you're sexist and that's sexist yeah and that's the the reason why you ask that riddle is
00:55:02
because you're a sexist person that's funny that i assumed it was a man i know but most people assume it's a man that's why it's a public riddle
00:55:09
you can say that nobody got it i guess i guess the first time no you didn't why i know you did it why are you
00:55:15
blushing because i can't it isn't interesting i did i know i i couldn't figure it out well cause you think you go the surgeon
00:55:20
guy walks in yeah yeah did you say man no i said surgeon walks in i can't operate on this boy he's my son
00:55:27
why can't she operate on the boy just because it's her son because it's a law you can't operate on your own family member because you'll give them better
00:55:33
attention yeah no i guess that's a thing that's a bad law
00:55:38
it's in the riddle in that world i don't [ __ ] know it shouldn't be my side i don't like the law first of all if you're let's see let me
00:55:44
ask you this right dear surgeon right and you have to operate on her would you be too nervous to do that or
00:55:51
would you just get let's say you have another friend who's just as good as a surgeon as you
00:55:56
would you rather have him do it or you do it me
00:56:02
why because i know why i'm going to save my wife's life dude scalpel dude
00:56:09
i i wouldn't be able to do it she's dead i wouldn't be able to do it no i don't think so either i would be so nervous i wouldn't want to operate on my family no
00:56:15
i wouldn't want you you'd be so nervous yeah because if you killed you drop a scalpel in the [ __ ] inside the bottle right you're digging
00:56:22
up you know with the organs to get the scalpel it's like flying like [ __ ] a pizza roller
00:56:28
yeah yeah meanwhile like cloud eye opens what are you what are you doing you're right and you have her like long inner
00:56:34
[ __ ] pancreas in her your hand go back to sleep the scalp went inside your body yeah that would be
00:56:40
terrible yeah yeah you know rudy would be like i've got this and fix it in like two seconds no
00:56:46
she makes sashimi yeah with her [ __ ] knife put our little plate with wasabi did you order more knives
00:56:53
no do you want to let's get her another knife
00:56:58
yes rudy more knives
00:57:04
[Applause] yeah why not yeah you yeah you would get
00:57:12
her another knife there's room by the way your popularity is growing so much a friend asked about you a friend who's a fan of the show
00:57:19
he's like rudy is so funny and she doesn't even try to be funny i said i know that's bad friends rude and she and he said uh does she have like a big
00:57:26
following now in instagram she's like 20 some odd thousand followers 22. she knows 22 000. yeah okay so
00:57:33
she's making a mark in comedy faster than she thinks first of all i know a dude right who was on a tv show yeah right
00:57:40
who has been grinding for 25 years in this business yeah who has 15 000
00:57:46
followers i'm not kidding that's so mean and she has i know and so i i told her the other
00:57:52
day i go because she has two instruments instagram accounts private she has a private one that has 100 followers right that's her
00:57:59
family friends island friends that's for your island friends for island friends right and i'm just like i just put it all in
00:58:06
one because the whole point of instagram is to brag no but the island friends know the other they follow the other
00:58:12
account did they follow the other account no i don't want them to know oh yeah
00:58:17
she wants to keep it private maybe bad rudy that's not her real name yeah maybe bad rudy her [ __ ] uh instagram
00:58:23
account is her u.s persona that's right this is rudy is rudy's united states girl she's like in
00:58:31
in in cebu she's bruce wayne but in america she's the dark knight she's the darkest of the
00:58:36
knights yeah she's the darkest of the knives she's the darkest knife the darkest knife ladies and gentlemen the darkest night
00:58:42
the darkest night but so you have 22 22 000 people are following you i wonder if now opportunities are going to open
00:58:48
up after pandy's done maybe she can host something what if she gets offered what's that's
00:58:53
here's the thing i'm trying to get her out of her shell do we take pro commission on anything she likes well
00:58:58
no i'm trying to get her out of the show because she doesn't like to talk that much yeah or even around the house like she'll be
00:59:04
laying there like what have i been doing lately what do i have saved up in the in the in the closet
00:59:09
you've just been doing video games no but the thing that i'm trying to make a ball of what
00:59:15
boogers bob why what do i have in the in the closet you
00:59:23
have i don't know five or ten boogers and you're trying to make it into a ball
00:59:29
you're trying to make a booger ball bud yeah are you really and it's right now
00:59:34
worth it oh it's like it's you're gonna get it if you don't i'm sticking her mouth what do you think about that hey
00:59:47
no i'm being real yeah yeah okay good if he if he does it then i'm also going to do
00:59:53
it you're going to do it back to him yeah you're playing with fire kids she also has knives around the house that's
00:59:58
why i haven't done it because you're afraid of the knife yeah what if she what honestly what if she comes back and starts hurting you you
01:00:04
don't think she's capable because i do i really do i think that would be a proper end to this life if rude killed you i think
01:00:11
that'll be a fantastic story how many times do you think you've um lived oh
01:00:16
probably hundreds of times hundreds if not thousands yeah which life haven't you lived yet that you're wait that you're excited for
01:00:22
well if this is my show business life this is not good enough but um it is good enough i think that uh
01:00:29
i want to do like a primitive life right like a tribe like people part of a tribe what part of the tribe
01:00:35
would you be gathering a gatherer fruits and nuts and stuff so you would be out gathering and making
01:00:41
i'd be making like water moccasins and whatnot um a little seamstress would you stitch and
01:00:47
sew yeah i'd be the tribe [ __ ] you'd be slutting yourself out to everybody yeah the gay i
01:00:53
would have to be a man and after the the great hunt but you'd be very effective with the buffalo yeah after
01:01:00
the great haunt i'm just laying on my belly in a tent right and i put like animal fat animal fat
01:01:08
right because it's like a natural lube i'll just take you know buffalo animal fat right and just
01:01:14
rub it just jam it into my butthole right just lay on my stomach right and get some boys
01:01:22
you'll make like a [Music]
01:01:37
my my cousin or whatever would have tickets yeah but the tickets are made of park yeah
01:01:43
come on right and they would come in and and oh you get you get
01:01:48
two minutes there's a hundred people in trouble and one guy's keeping keeping clock yeah he comes and goes all
01:01:54
right yeah you're like and they come out like almost disappointed
01:01:59
yeah because the further the line goes it right they're like the 80th guy he comes out he's like too loose
01:02:07
because imagined right yeah 79 dog eyes have already been in there yeah too loose couldn't come no
01:02:14
no no oh
01:02:27
i know what you would do too right you would take two [ __ ] i know you would do you would take two [ __ ] like buffalo bone
01:02:33
yeah and put it on my ass cheeks to make it squeeze it together like this and you would just try to just get some
01:02:39
friction there right right [Laughter] [Music]
01:02:46
wow let's live that life let's live that let's live that life i haven't lived that one um yeah that i have not lived was
01:02:52
another life i want to be i want to be back in like the i want to be back just one time in kings
01:02:57
and queens like 15th century type of [ __ ] oh yeah so bad i want to be a jester i want to be a little court jester
01:03:03
yeah and i want to hang out in my little lounge with the other artists and i'm going to i want to eat eat eat whatever food they give us and
01:03:08
drink and be drunk all the time and they go out there and they're like and you get out there and i'm like and do a little dance and then i like and
01:03:16
they beat me they beat you every night but they still love you you know yeah but they're not going to kill you they don't care they don't kill the gym in
01:03:21
the same castle you're in with me yeah i'm the castle [ __ ] you're still casually okay you're a [ __ ] in another life i'm still there hello welcome welcome
01:03:29
you know i mean i'm still doing the same thing have you visited the [ __ ] upstairs and you're like hello boys
01:03:35
yeah and you're beautifully draped by the way you always have the nicest clothes in these other lives yeah i would i want a simple life you want no
01:03:42
one of them has to be very simple like a butcher a cobbler a shoemaker a footmaker or like something that i'm good at
01:03:48
one thing i want you know what i see you as a fisherman yeah that would be a nice yeah that was
01:03:53
a night yeah show the fish to the village and they go yeah yeah yeah every day yeah you go out
01:03:58
there you catch some fish you come back you cook you talk god imagine though back in the day
01:04:04
when like a fisherman got like lupus or you know someone's disease or
01:04:10
or they got or they got cancer well when they didn't know what cancer was you they didn't even know what it was
01:04:15
yeah you had stomach cancer and there's like no medicine really yeah they just say so for a year you're
01:04:21
just like ah you know oh my god you know what they do with a fisherman they put them out on a
01:04:26
boat and they just push them out to sea and they're like they don't do that yeah they do bye and then when you go bye
01:04:34
i don't want you to spread the disease to the town ah push you out to sea or like when they used to just [ __ ]
01:04:40
burn people alive that's terrible isn't it but they would just go anything which remember back then
01:04:46
which which okay she's like i'm just you know yeah i'm clean i'm sweeping i'm sweeping the
01:04:55
and they would just tie you you know what the [ __ ] was going on oh my the horrors they would just pick people to kill i
01:05:01
know they just really wanted to kill you anything that was different could you imagine me and you in a town back then they would kill us
01:05:07
immediately yeah the korean guy and the red-headed boy oh i always think um imagine freaks do
01:05:13
you imagine this you and i we're time travelers right yeah yeah and you and i are wearing cowboy
01:05:21
hats and we're just galloping into deadwood okay all right you're at the lead
01:05:31
and we walk into the saloon right you know how the piano guy stops and everyone just turns right and you
01:05:36
know i mean i'm still on your back yeah all right and you go hey man i go hey fellas here to grab us a
01:05:44
drink yeah we love whiskey got whiskey you guys have any whiskey in this bar we would be hung just right now like cut to the next
01:05:50
scene just dangling from it yeah oh my god we
01:05:56
caught these two we caught these two gay boys rolling into town kissing and hugging on each other
01:06:02
was a chinese boy yeah the other one was a freak a red-headed freak oh speaking of my freakness
01:06:07
i had to look this up the doctor was asking me do i have any um allergies to medications and i said not
01:06:14
really that i know of but my pain tolerance for medication is pretty high my tolerance is high
01:06:20
and she was like oh yeah redheads do you know about this we can handle 20 percent more
01:06:27
uh tolerant level for for painkiller stuff like that we need 110 of anesthesia anesthesia
01:06:34
anesthesia because we slip out of it all the time so if i get surgery and they don't juice me up i'll just like you said with a
01:06:41
scalp i'll just wake up in the middle of it in the middle of surgery i can wake up they say it happens in red heads all the time i think it's the lord's way of saying
01:06:48
get rid of these people no i think the lord's way is saying we're going to make this particular
01:06:53
group of people look sick yeah but we're going to give them strong
01:07:00
resilience ah you know yeah there's a yin and yang to everything what's your yen because i know what your
01:07:07
yang is what's my egg i know what your hair what's my egg man i know you oh tell me where my hand
01:07:12
is got a couple of gangs i don't know which one's which yeah yeah what is yin and yang what's that i have
01:07:18
no [ __ ] idea isn't that weird that nobody knows it's just the opposites that balance each other right yeah that's life
01:07:23
life is yin and yang life is ying yang um i know you're a big fan of ellen and i'm sorry to hear all the
01:07:29
ensuing news about her being called out you know
01:07:35
first of all i don't know her you're a big fan big friend big fan i'm not a friend you know her very well
01:07:41
she produced the show i was on last year yeah i know you didn't meet her and i never met her no no uh you see she got called out but
01:07:48
these are things i've heard those things you know it's you know i've said this before and i'll say it again
01:07:53
there are certain things that go around with that you hear you know yeah i've heard things um
01:08:01
for years and then it comes into a reality one day like the allen thing there's many things
01:08:08
yeah you know um and um some of them you don't believe
01:08:13
some of them you go there's that's valid the rumors um there's some big hollywood
01:08:19
stars that have weird little rumors that people don't talk about but you just kind of know
01:08:25
it's it's said you know yeah and sometimes they don't come out right but with ellen you i did hear
01:08:33
certain things like um you couldn't lock eyes with her couldn't look her in the eye i thought i heard that but i thought
01:08:39
that was [ __ ] yeah but that had hurt that yeah but it sounds like [ __ ] yeah like how do you work with some
01:08:45
like a boss yeah i don't care what i mean get me a latte you're like okay what
01:08:51
size it's just like she shows you you're like oh [ __ ] yeah she puts it right over her face
01:08:56
just to test you yeah you're looked yeah i've heard that but they called her out they said it was
01:09:01
abusive behavior um uh and then it got turned into one of the producers is getting in trouble for
01:09:08
being you know creepy to whatever the people cast to to people that work there but it's funny because i i'm thinking um
01:09:16
ellen doesn't know what's going on inside of her stable i don't know maybe she knows what she does and then
01:09:22
brad garrett came out today and was like yeah she's not nice i was like wow brad get this
01:09:28
really i was like he's quiet usually about a lot you know what i mean all i know about ellen is because um do
01:09:35
you know who jeff lala is i don't jeff lala runs the addison improv
01:09:40
okay all those improvs in texas sure and he's been in the comedy industry for 35 years
01:09:46
and one day we were doing press in the morning and i'm like so what big comics did you
01:09:53
hang out with back in the day in the early days and he goes ellen and i go oh really ellen degeneres yeah
01:10:01
i would drive her from city to city like she would do one night you know in houston sure and i would get in the car
01:10:07
and i would drive her and we would hang out and i go what is she like he's like she was always hard-working yeah very funny yeah she
01:10:15
never complained she never complained because she knew no so you think she's a woman in the 80s
01:10:23
difficult who's who's gay who's gay but doesn't can't come out can't come out yeah difficult right um
01:10:29
in in a male dominated industry totally right and um she had to
01:10:36
jump over certain hurdles that we we might not have had to jump over i
01:10:43
know that i know that um as an asian guy i've had to jump over a lot of hurdles that
01:10:49
others i don't complain about them i just know that they were there right sure and so um and then she became
01:10:57
one of the biggest stars on planet earth i don't know what it's like to be what
01:11:03
it's like to be her yeah i say that i think that i don't i don't walk her shoes i don't know anything
01:11:08
i'm not there but if the but if it's true that you can't look around the eye that's [ __ ] insane that's what i mean if it's stuff like
01:11:14
that i'm like what that's crazy if it's just like when somebody goes they're mean to me i'm like lots of people are mean to you yeah
01:11:20
what do you like yeah what i mean i've read things that i'm mean
01:11:25
you in what regard like like well i met him he was not nice to me or you know and then it's like you don't
01:11:30
remember you're like i don't remember that's because the interaction went like this uh i'm you and you you're an adoring fan
01:11:37
say hi to me on the patio this is i'm you and you're the fan go ahead hey dude [ __ ] hey what's up man
01:11:43
how are you huge fan man thank you very much um so we got to go to that and you're just talking to somebody else
01:11:48
and then that guy goes [ __ ] bobby lee didn't even [ __ ] give me the time of day right
01:11:54
but you were already talking to somebody else yeah so it's kind of like people can just say you're people can just say that you're a dick
01:12:00
just because they like you and they didn't get from you what they wanted oh one time i did which is super [ __ ]
01:12:06
selfish in in i was in chicago in um in february no i was at the
01:12:13
schomburg improv oh yeah and um i did a meet and greet and
01:12:18
three days later i get an instagram message from a woman going hey i just want you know my my husband
01:12:25
hasn't slept in three days and i'm like what happened right and she
01:12:31
goes because he didn't me you were you were talking to somebody and he made some sort of asian joke and then
01:12:38
you just kind of turned your head like he have completely offended you you probably didn't even hear it i don't
01:12:43
remember any i don't know what the [ __ ] she's talking about yeah yeah so he's like what's up chang in new yeah i
01:12:49
wasn't even hearing it i was doing something else so maybe you know with ellen it could be a lot of that i don't know i wasn't
01:12:55
there so many could you imagine how many times people have said something to you that they think they said wrong and you didn't even
01:13:00
it didn't register the people just say stuff and you're like i don't know man i'm doing especially when you're doing 15 things
01:13:06
you're meeting people and you're yeah i know i take a picture and do all that stuff someone could be like hey man i'm your biggest fan you're like thanks man
01:13:12
and that guy's like that's it we live in a strange world where people know the gossip is
01:13:19
black magic no it is it is you know gossip is the worst thing
01:13:26
our society does because it's you it's always like there's lies and opinions
01:13:32
that are threaded through gossip yeah because it's one yeah yeah so the truth becomes muddled right truth it doesn't exist it doesn't
01:13:39
even exist just because it turns into this thing what people think and it's that's what social media is
01:13:44
yeah twitter people accuse people of things and it's like we live in a very
01:13:50
dark alternative reality i think it's people are bored and tired and the pandy has made people angry as [ __ ] and
01:13:56
they're broke and they don't have a job and so this is an outlet to go [ __ ] you or [ __ ] you or i like this and
01:14:01
i hate this yeah a lot of our friends in comedy have been doing um jimmy kimmel guest hosting and bob
01:14:08
and i submitted and uh we didn't get it and we were
01:14:13
jealous because a lot of people got it you know sebastian got it eliza eliza
01:14:18
whitney um uh what other comics did it um but dude it doesn't matter we
01:14:24
submitted it it hurts me that we didn't get i know but we're not them it doesn't matter we submitted a
01:14:30
good tape yeah but we're it's like saying um hey youtube not even you two coldplay got
01:14:37
something and it's like fugazi didn't i know but fugazi is
01:14:42
cooler we put in a lot of work fugazi's cool just on its own and you two is cool on its own yeah yeah whatever let them be okay well
01:14:50
anyway we submitted some tapes we submitted it personally it's fine yeah i slept
01:14:55
it didn't sleep no yeah it's ruined it's honestly the fact that they emailed back and said no thanks lol yeah anyway i guess we'll show it
01:15:14
um hey everybody okay today i o jimmy kimmel
01:15:25
i don't i don't want to do this bob i don't want to do this i don't i don't want to do it
01:15:31
jimmy kimmel he uh he's not gonna host the show for a while so i i'm going to
01:15:38
uh try to get the job there to do the whole things you have to [ __ ] do it i can't
01:15:43
believe i don't know what to say give me your [ __ ] idea give me any joke to say i do comedy too shut the [ __ ] up
01:15:50
okay here we go hey alive around the world is uh the world is absolutely insane right now what's
01:15:57
going on around the world uh hey everybody talking bang here oh boy what go ahead in the world right now
01:16:03
it's crazy it's 150 million a thousand people died from corona
01:16:10
and boy melania trump i i do i [ __ ] her i [ __ ] you gotta make it uh g ready
01:16:18
it's for network tv so oh okay so i saw it they said oh boy what going around this town right now
01:16:24
holy moly [ __ ] 150 000 million people died from kovit 19 donald trump wife melania i
01:16:32
i stick
01:16:42
there was a guy who was raising sea turtles and check this out and he's selling them
01:16:48
uh he's selling them at uh two shells of pop
01:16:54
he's he's uh this guy's getting he's getting a killer deal on that uh
01:16:59
don't talk about the maloney
01:17:06
they matter and you know you go to the protest right you stood sign do not do that to
01:17:13
the black right and you know one time i went to protest and i saw a woman while protesting with
01:17:19
her when she looked like uh you know milani no not the president's
01:17:24
wife no but she did not do it was not her because this was in l.a
01:17:30
so this is not her but she looked like okay she looked like maloney so she protesting black lives
01:17:37
i was getting 22 like a black lives getting to the right and then i hit
01:17:44
like this her hip right and i look at her i go you know one day you and i could go no
01:17:51
stop saying you're gonna have sex with the president's wife she's not there okay yeah yeah yeah
01:17:58
okay okay my god what's going on with the ui2k
01:18:04
the y2k man 2000 everything is going to be wipeout
01:18:10
there's a um
01:18:17
we're never going to get this gig if you do that so rudy um has a poem she wrote
01:18:25
i'm going to read your poem yes you're going to read her poem and if you didn't write it you're going to have to make one up i don't have you said you were going to
01:18:31
write a poem so you're going to write a poem about the butterflies write it write it about it write it right now about it
01:18:37
filipino butterflies and knives yeah um hey hey don't ever uh oh
01:18:45
you're gonna make that you're gonna make papa mad i don't have the poem you better just make it up right now because we asked you to make up a poem
01:18:52
and you didn't do it okay okay yeah
01:18:57
roses are red yeah they are violets are blue yeah
01:19:07
the philippine butterfly yeah [Music] is this beautiful
01:19:15
i see you thank you for being a bad friend
01:19:22
[Music]
