00:00:00
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00:00:29
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two
00:00:36
are disgusting. You two or something. We're bad friends. Guess who's charming. Who's charming? You are, dude. You're a charm charm charmer, dude. Dapper. When you get a
00:00:48
little buzz, my friend, you get like good evening. Hello. And you get um extremely charming
00:00:56
cuz I Well, that's better than jackal and hide. I don't like start getting angry and fighting people when I have a couple of cocktails. You introduced me to a
00:01:03
friend. I was trying to be polite and nice and ingratiate myself to her and I was like, "Hey, how are you?" And I gave
00:01:09
her a hug and she actually said, "We're hugging." I know. But she said that. She goes, "Oh, we're hugging." I was
00:01:14
It was a 50/50. Like we were in the car, we had dinner and then Andrew calls me, "We're over at so and so, right?" And I
00:01:21
go, "Okay." Okay. And he's like, "D Roa's here. I can say that." Yeah. Yeah. So I go, "Okay." And he goes, "You
00:01:27
said come on by. I wanted you to come by." So I brought it was 50/50. So I said to her, I go, "We, you know, because I know
00:01:34
that you're doing a little drink, drink, right? You were drink drink with him. It's bad." Yeah. Yeah. It got bad. Yeah. I heard it got bad later, but um I was drinking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I heard you got wild.
00:01:45
What did I do? No, I'm going to Let's recap. Okay. Okay. So then um I go you know I don't
00:01:52
know what are you going to say jackal or hide it can't get hide when does it get hide and it can also get jackal when have I hided with you hide is the good one right I don't even know
00:02:03
yeah which was the bad which was the bad one I don't know yeah it's I think jackal is the bad one jackal sounds like the bad one
00:02:08
jackal yeah like a jackal so you might get jackal and she's like what do you mean I go where we'll see we we come and
00:02:15
as soon as I say I go it's hide [Laughter] And cuz you stood up and you have this
00:02:21
like little smirk. It's very um Casablanca. Hello. Hello my dear. You know what I mean? Like good evening. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's very like that.
00:02:32
So I'm like oh thank god it's Hyde. So we No, I'm being real. We sit down and then what Hyde does is he just
00:02:40
becomes very like a lot of questions. I'm interested in her. Too many questions.
00:02:46
Okay. Okay. But is that a real thing? You meet someone for the first time. I'm I want to know. I'm interested in her.
00:02:51
No, there are memes about this where your friend all of a sudden becomes a comedian around your girl. I was being I was too charming
00:02:58
asking someone like, "Hey, what what is this about that I've heard about you? Can I say it?" Yeah, but just the whole the way you
00:03:04
hold up a pushuto. Yeah. I don't like chicken wings. We were eating chicken wings. Whatever it was. What? It's just the way you know I mean everything. Your your pinkies are out.
00:03:15
All three fingers are out. It's very like you told me she's a witch and then you're asking Salem witch like
00:03:20
you know what I mean? Like the Salem witch trials witch. How do I know that there's a difference? Yeah. It's like saying that it's it's
00:03:26
not like she's a vampire. That that's why you were asking her that kind of line of question. No, I
00:03:31
you mean what's it like at the coven? You asked about a coven. I said what's up? Did you ask about a coven?
00:03:36
I said what's up with the Yeah. Yeah. How is it? She's one of those like um Burning Man, you know what I mean? you you know um holistic you know I mean
00:03:47
Shangrila the witches the witches that I hang out with are at the coven okay they're coven witches right so she does it double double boil and trouble it's more of a um
00:03:58
boil boil it's more of a self-help you know I mean you know spiritual thing she's very nice but asking about the coven and all that stuff was a little I didn't ask about the coven there was
00:04:09
there was a coven question I don't even know what the coven is either it was you or your friend your He goes, "Well, is there a group?" And I
00:04:16
looked at him. I go, "When you say group, do you mean coven?" Yeah, you. And then he goes, "Yeah, that's what I
00:04:21
meant. That's on you." No, that's on him. That's a part of you. He said, "Is there a group?" Yeah. But the way he said it was, I know
00:04:29
what you're leading. There's a pot. You mean boiling green. Whatever. Whatever. Does she have a pot? Toad feet. Does she have a pot? No, she has none of that. Crystals.
00:04:41
I did do a spell on you. [ __ ] you then. Yeah, he told me he did a spell on me. I I did a spell on you.
00:04:48
I remember. Yeah. What did I What? You put my name in the freezer. You wrote my name on a piece of paper and
00:04:53
put it in the freezer. Yeah. I put your name on a piece of paper and put it in the freezer. And guess what? It worked.
00:05:00
What is this? You've been chill since I've been I'm always chill. You weren't chill. Oh my god.
00:05:05
When did you put it in the freezer? When we got back from Europe. No. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. No. I put your name in the thing and
00:05:11
I wish I did it before we went to help me out of them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But so yeah, I do some
00:05:17
of her suggestions. Yeah. And I think they work. Yeah, they must. Yeah. And then I hear I have lunch today
00:05:24
with Andrea Jin and the person that I'm hanging out with. And um Andrea says, "Andrew was there last night at the store." And I go, "Yeah." She goes, "One word.
00:05:35
Guess what it is?" What did she say? He's like, you know, wild. Wild. I was wild.
00:05:40
Yeah, you and D. Rosa were wilder. We were having fun, man. Mone was with us. We were having a great time. Of course, your um
00:05:47
my son. Not just your son. What do you call it? He was drunk. He got You know what I called McCone? A familiar.
00:05:52
Yeah, he's a familiar. What is a familiar in the in the mythological world? Like
00:05:58
vampires have familiars. You just you just hang around. You're that help the vampire get blood.
00:06:04
That's right. You go get me blood. What? Give me the division. The definition of a familiar. It's a supernatural entity. Exactly.
00:06:11
That is an animal. Exactly. That serves as a companion and helper to a witch, sorcerer, or
00:06:17
other magical practices. Really stuck on this witch stuff lately, huh? Yeah. Yeah. You're definitely a familiar.
00:06:22
You're a familiar for sure. Yeah. And you're a warlock. Wizard and a warlock. Wizard and a
00:06:27
warlock. I love it. We went out. Me and Drosa went on stage together twice and we had so fun. They do that in New York
00:06:33
sometimes. Like you see guys at the seller do it. They don't do that here. And so D. Roa was like, I'll go on stage with you. And I was like, that could be
00:06:39
fun. Yeah. Because I was like, I'll get you a spot. He was like, no. So he took my spot. He took yours and
00:06:46
someone else dropped out. Yeah, I dropped out. I wanted, you know, I just I know I know
00:06:51
you're going to talk about it, but I wanted sometimes I'll just go I'm not going to do it. I'm going to hang out. I watch Lord of
00:06:57
the Rings with a friend spots. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I canceled last minute, but thank god D Roa took my spot. It was great.
00:07:05
People uh Did he go So he went up at 10:00? We went to the first spot together and then we went to the store and then we I
00:07:12
went up solo in the main and then we went up together in the O. But what I'm saying is that on stage I
00:07:17
heard you were extra. I went off a little. That's all. I had a night. Yeah. Yeah. But I was having fun. But I heard it was very funny. I haven't let the band-aid rip in a long time. Yeah. Yep.
00:07:28
No. Sometimes I want to have a couple of cocktails. Let the band-aid rip. You got to let the band-aid rip sometimes. I don't. When was the last time you saw
00:07:34
me like that? God, it's been a couple years. It's pretty rare. But you But I I but you do it when it's
00:07:40
like I'm I'm you know I mean Charles Bakowski and I I'm going to just go to a bar by myself and you know what I mean
00:07:47
write poetry or whatever what what in the [ __ ] are you talking about? What do you mean? Not literal poetry. Do I like to go Oh, you're making fun of when I You're making fun of when I go to
00:08:00
my spot in New York and write. Yeah, I like that. No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. Oh, at Dollywood. Yeah.
00:08:05
Oh, no. That was a mental breakdown. I know, but that's what I'm saying. The bicowski. I'm going to go to a bar by
00:08:10
myself. Yeah. And not literally wrote a write a poem, but you go into yourself and write poetry in your mind.
00:08:15
I'll tell you what I did at that bar at that Tommy Bahama or whatever. No, Margaritavville. I bought everyone food
00:08:21
and drinks. I turned into hide. Oh, I was jackalled with you, bud. Yeah. Yeah. You're jackalled with me a
00:08:27
lot. Well, yeah. Why do you think that is? Because I'm 100% hide. No. You think I'm jackal sometimes? No, let's be real. Get [ __ ] You [ __ ] you. You think I'm jackal
00:08:40
sometimes? You are. You're doing it right now. Look at the shirt you're wearing, too. This Iron Maiden [ __ ] runs.
00:08:47
Such a good song. It's great. The trooper. Great song. I want to I want to say this, though. Can you get more lighters? What are you
00:08:53
doing with all I'll tell you why. Why? There's nothing worse in the world when you're in your
00:08:59
car. Who How many smokers are here? Three, Richie. Right. Isn't there nothing in
00:09:05
the You have cigarettes. You're in the car. You smoke? I know. Yeah. You smoke cigarettes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he does. Look at him. How long have you been smoking? Well, I actually I started probably like
00:09:17
sophomore year high school. And what are you now? A senior now? I'm Yes. No. How old are you now? 24. Yeah. Wow. He he has some time. He doesn't look like a smoker. Yeah, I just realized who he is.
00:09:30
Every generation, Buddy Holly. Close. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. But the generation after that is who he
00:09:37
is is Robert Crumb. Who the [ __ ] Who's Look up Robert Crumb, dude. The cartoonist.
00:09:42
The cartoonist. There lies the man. He's a He's young Robert. Dude, that's Robert. Come on, dude. You're young Robert Crumb. Dude, you're young Robert Crumb, dude. That is a fact,
00:09:53
dude. It's a fact, dude. That's very funny. and you don't draw. So that's not that's not good. That's not good. He can draw
00:10:00
like a [ __ ] So my panic is when you're in the car and you don't have a lighter and then
00:10:06
you're just kind of looking around for one. So what I do is I buy three or four and just scatter them around the the car.
00:10:11
Smart. That's what I'm saying. Being mindful. Yeah. When I used to smoke pot, what I would do is I would buy a lot of
00:10:17
lighters and then I would give them to my friends because I know they'd get back to me. What do you mean by that? Because when
00:10:24
you smoke weed with people, you're always like giving lighter. Carlos knows. You're giving your lighters away and then they come back to you eventually.
00:10:30
They come back to you in the mail. What are you talking about? So when you smoke a lot of pot with your group of pot friends. Yeah. But you
00:10:37
weren't like alone. I did it alone. Yeah. It wasn't your thing. Like we get we would get high with uh sit around a couch.
00:10:43
Well, go to some guy's house or go to in a car. And so what ends up happening is you smoke pot with the same like 10 to
00:10:48
12 people. And that's a lot of people. Well, I mean like that's a big pot group. No. No, I I would call it a coven.
00:10:54
Your core your core pot group is like two to three people, but then there's a chunk of people you would run into in high school and we'd smoke pot with that group of people and then that group like the hippies. If I went over to [ __ ]
00:11:06
uh uh Paul's house, hey, I'm Paul, dude. Um, bro, you want to come over, dude? We're having a pot
00:11:11
club. Yeah, you do. There going to be about 12 of us, dude. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Bring your lighter, dude.
00:11:17
I'll bring it. Yeah. Okay. And guess what, guy? What? Eventually, you'll get it back.
00:11:24
Okay. Yeah. And that's what you do. Bring one lighter, hand it to I have a bunch of lighters. I just hand them out to friends and then I go, "This
00:11:30
is gonna come back to me." And eventually you'll be smoking a bowl stoned and you'll go, "This is my lighter, man."
00:11:36
Years later or how long? Sometimes it's months. Sometimes it's a full year. And someone will be like, "That is your [ __ ] lighter, man."
00:11:42
Right. I get that. You gave it to me at Paul's garage. Yeah. I just handed it to you to light
00:11:48
the bowl. Yeah. But but this is what happens when you're smoking pot. The point I'm making is you you give someone a lighter to get
00:11:53
high, they put in their pocket, you all get stoned, you forget it existed. So if you buy strangers lighters that you get high with, you will get them back.
00:11:59
Right. But you know what I do now? I buy the ones with a symbol on it. Was that Chinese?
00:12:05
No, I'm just saying anything because this green one, somebody can go, "No, dude. I just bought this."
00:12:10
I go, "But this one, the cherries. Come on, dude. That's my lighter. That's your lighter. Cherry boy
00:12:16
lighter." Yeah. Anyway, while I didn't Yeah. Now I get why it comes around. It always comes back. What are you
00:12:21
drinking? Coffee. Iced coffee. Yeah. Why? You never have coffee this late. What's the line of questioning, pal? You got something going on later tonight? I have a couple of shows tonight, guy. You going to cancel those, too?
00:12:32
No, I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there because if I don't, what you know, they cry. And one of them.
00:12:37
Who? The fans. Guys, the promoters. Oh, the promoters. Yeah. You know, if people don't know
00:12:43
about the LA comedy game now, 70% of it is promoters, I'd say. So, you'll get like six guy. There's like six guys. There's one girl that's really good.
00:12:54
Sarah Melo. Oh, she's the best. She's the best. Yeah. But there's a couple of guys that are a little um
00:13:00
they're like um student loan people. Lone sharks. Lone sharks. Yeah. Like or if you leave
00:13:07
the Mormon church, right, they constantly call. They're going to come get you. Yeah. Yeah. I go, "How come you haven't
00:13:12
been back to the sermon, buddy?" Mhm. It's been 2 years. Where are you and why are you not here? Yeah. And and here's here's 17 dates. Can you
00:13:20
please do one of them? Yeah. And then if you don't, which I don't text them back pretty much 99% of the
00:13:26
time, I don't. Well, you get flooded with texts. Every day, I'm not lying. You get 5 to
00:13:31
10. Yeah. Can you do my show? Can you do my show? Can you do my show? Yeah. It's a great problem to have. It's a No, I'm grateful for it. I'm
00:13:38
grateful for it, but um it's a little there's some boundaries that need to be That is interesting because it I thought
00:13:45
about next time I do set up shows like this, I think I'm going to just give them Carlos's phone number and he can just do it for us.
00:13:52
Yeah. I mean, it's what happens with everything. Shouldn't we do then? My deal with my Melanie.
00:13:57
With who? Melanie. Who's that? You know who Melanie? Who's that? You know the one that's camping right
00:14:02
now. So, does she live in the woods? I know what you're I know. in the desert. Yeah, I have somebody that works for me that's always in the woods. It's pretty She's 95% in the woods. I
00:14:16
think she's like half bear. Head in the clouds, body in the woods. Yeah, because she's she might be bare. I don't get reception out here. But
00:14:23
every time I This is her thing. Every time I'm in town, every two or three days, I'll get it. You know what I mean?
00:14:29
And I'm like, but I'm paying you. Yeah. Right. This is like the early 1900s. It's like, well, I'll get there when I get there. Yeah. Sometimes I'll see a smoke signal, you know. There she is.
00:14:41
Brian Marock wants to do you want you to do the show. Yeah. Or whatever. Some Yeah. Can you do 8:00 p.m.? Yeah. Yeah. A flare or something. But she is always in the woods. I don't know
00:14:53
what she does out there. Well, she's probably connecting with Earth again. She's getting back to her roots. Yeah. She's native, right? She's Native American. I don't even know what she is.
00:15:03
I just have an image of her in my mind. I have never seen her. Have I met her? No, she could be native. She could be native.
00:15:08
She Yeah, she might be there. No, she's Vietnamese, but she's native Vietnamese.
00:15:14
That is native. She's half Vietnamese. I don't know what the other half. But anyway, um Did you buy that while we were down under or did somebody give that to you?
00:15:20
I bought it at the airport with Juice. You Oh, you did? Is that a football or rugby? Is that Southampton? What is it?
00:15:26
Australia. Australia. Okay. Yeah, I got it in Sydney. And what's this shirt you got on, Rich? Oh, Cinema Salem.
00:15:34
Hell yeah. What is it? It's got a witch on it. Yeah. But what? Santa of Salem. Of Salem. Yeah.
00:15:39
Santa. No. No. Cinema. Oh, it's the movie theater. Oh, cinema of Salem. Oh, wow.
00:15:45
Yeah. Well, some Santa would go to Salem. He goes everywhere. I Does he not? I I don't know to be honest. No, Santa goes everywhere. No, he doesn't. Oh my god. Now we're going to get in
00:15:58
another fight. Where does he not go? Where does not go anywhere? Where does he not go, Santa Claus? Africa.
00:16:04
What would you say? Africa's He just said Africa. Why? Cuz they don't have chimneys.
00:16:10
They have chimneys. Do they? I do. Do Yeah. I mean, they're made out of clay or whatever, but that's not a
00:16:17
bad thing. No, it's just, you know, Santa goes everywhere. You're right. But there he goes to certain places first. I think you can say it. All right. So, I think that Santa
00:16:30
Claus's route, right? I'm going to play it safe. Yeah, he'll go I think he goes to America
00:16:36
first. Of course, we're number one, right? So, he goes to New York because of the time. He starts on the on the East Coast.
00:16:42
Yeah. Yeah. Does all the major cities first? Well, no, he would do all the suburbs, too, right? He's not going to go to New
00:16:49
York City, then to Atlanta, and then to Onian. He back up, right? He would do the region
00:16:55
first, right? That's a lot of houses. Who do you know in Onian? What do you mean? How do you know the town? The town of Oni. Well, um,
00:17:05
how did that pop up? I did a college there. I was just gonna say because that's so specific. I did it one with Renaiss open for me
00:17:11
back in the day. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cuz he went to school there at on somewhere in Oniante and went to school
00:17:16
there. Yeah. But anyway, that's how I know Oniian. And Santa does go everywhere. He does go everywhere. But you're saying where did he go last?
00:17:23
If there's time. Yeah. He's like, "Dude, if I can make it, I will. If not, I I won't."
00:17:28
Well, I think that he forgets like he's like he's in London. He's like, "Oh, finally la last house." And then elf
00:17:34
calls him. Santa. Yeah. Hey, Santa. You Ho ho ho. You forgot. I got I just got to the last house in in Essex. Essex. Essex.
00:17:47
Santa, you forgot. I don't know where I can say that's not going to turn out to be a racist joke. Well, I mean, you're right. I mean, in
00:17:52
many ways that the Middle East, they don't celebrate Christmas, do they? Well, Palestine is the Bethlehem is
00:17:59
where Jesus was born. So, they do Christmas in Palestine. They do Christmas in Syria, in Iraq, in Lebanon.
00:18:06
Yeah. Yeah. I've been I've been I think I was there. I was there where Jesus was born.
00:18:12
You were around when Jesus was born. No, no, no. I I went to the actual place in Bethlehem. In Bethlehem? Yeah.
00:18:17
You buy it, huh? What do you mean? You buy that for this guy property? Yeah. Come on. I kicked some people out, but
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autorenewing subscription purchase. No, but you I went to the place where Jesus was born. So they say. So they say. Yeah. How do they know?
00:21:31
They don't [ __ ] dude. It's all to make you feel good. Yeah. Look at that. Is that a
00:21:36
What's that? That's where he was born, I think, in this spot. Yeah. No, he's Wasn't he born in a [ __ ]
00:21:43
barn? Yeah, but they changed it to that. They changed it to a steam room. Yeah, that does look like a
00:21:48
It looks like a steam room. It also looks like uh in China Yeah. Uh I I don't know this. I know this uh
00:21:55
through my wife's words of that there were toilets sometimes that were just holes in the floor. Oh, I told you. You just used to poop in a hole in the
00:22:01
floor, bro. I never dude. So, as a kid, I remember my my grandparents lived generations on top of this mountaintop and the house is made out of rice paper.
00:22:14
You know that, right? I mean, there's wood, but the walls are rice paper. Why are you laughing? It's just is it's edible. I guess you could eat out. No, but it's rice paper, right?
00:22:24
And outside is uh wooden, you know, what do you call it? An out of house. Yeah, you've told me this, but there's a whole generations of your family's poop. And yeah, my so my great great great
00:22:35
great great grandfather's poo was down there. That's amazing. It's amazing to think about. But see, those are are those stalls to pee in? Those aren't for pooping. That's
00:22:41
not a That's Those are for pooping. Oh, it Oh, it is. That's how you do it. Oh my god. Yeah. Which is a cleaner way to get it
00:22:47
out, I think. Uh Yeah. No, it actually is. Sitting on a toilet the way we do it is actually the worst for you.
00:22:53
Yeah. That's why Squatty Potty or those lifted leg things are good. Yeah. I put my dog under my feet when I poop.
00:22:59
Do you really? Yeah. Yeah. I put my feet on her as an ottoman or something. Yeah.
00:23:05
Well, yeah. I don't think that's good. A dog. Yeah. Come here, dog. The dog does always sit there when I poop. She loves to sit
00:23:11
there and she'll stare at me for a second and as soon as she'll hear like then she'll turn away out of respect.
00:23:17
And I said, "Thank you." Yeah. They they're afraid of my toilet cuz it does stuff when I'm not in the
00:23:22
room. It's a Japanese toilet. Yeah. That's why it's got noises. So it go right. And it it selfcleans, right? So they think that there's something in there. Sending a fax. Also, I have two robots now in my
00:23:35
bathroom. What do you mean? Well, you know, I buy robots. Yeah, you have so many [ __ ] robots. No, I'm being real. I'm not even just
00:23:40
not even joking. You mean that the cleanup ones? No, I have real like robots that you would get on TikTok or whatever.
00:23:46
How much were they? Well, I have two. One's not necessarily a robot. So, one of them is an actual robot that cost me like $1,000 or
00:23:54
something. Does it speak to you? What? Yes. Really? Yeah. You have conversations with him? I think his name is Emo. Don't you get
00:24:00
to name them? It's yours. No, it's called emo because you have to say good morning emo.
00:24:05
Hello. Good morning. And it'll start like doing taxes or and when you're not when you're in the other
00:24:11
room, you can hear him do taxes, sing, right? And he'll just like drink coffee and so just know that someone's in there. You just like that someone's around. Yeah. And then I have another thing I got from Tik Tok, which is a snow globe
00:24:24
that sings. So it's a face. It's got It kind of looks like Elmo. It's like this white globe and it does old timey music in the
00:24:33
night before Christmas. What do you like? You like it to put you to bed at night? No, I just like the fact that there's
00:24:39
somebody in the other room going telling he tells old timey jokes like take my wife please just randomly.
00:24:45
It does. Yeah. And I just kind of like that there's something in there and then my and then El emo's there too doing taxes.
00:24:51
Do they talk to each other? I don't think so. Now you don't know yet though. AI is doing this right? Yeah. I think emo is more AI than um the
00:24:58
talking globe, but who knows? God, I think it's so creepy we let these things into our world and they're all just You don't have anything like that.
00:25:04
I I don't have I don't even have uh what do you call it? Um sir, you know, Siri or what you know,
00:25:10
right? Like I can't call out to a thing to play music. I don't want something listen to me 24/7. This thing already does it.
00:25:16
I don't want more of these things around the I have nothing like that around the house really. Well, you have your wife.
00:25:21
She's not. I don't have anybody. No. Yes, you do. You have so much. You have first we have nine roommates, 30 animals.
00:25:26
That's true. Yeah. The house is full. Yeah. But you know what? I buy I just buy dog stuff all the time. Yeah, me too.
00:25:32
More dog [ __ ] What do you get? Well, she just got a new She had surgery, so she can't She was [ __ ]
00:25:38
mad cuz the tennis balls that she likes. The doctor was like, "You can't have those. That'll the threads will get
00:25:43
caught in her stitches and rip it out." So, you get the green ones with the fuzz on it. That's right. Yeah. My dog, they rip through those.
00:25:50
I love it though. Yeah. I like the orange one. The orange hard one. Blue. I have those. I like those. Yeah, those are good.
00:25:56
You can't rip through those. Yeah, you guys wouldn't get it. Come on in, Joe. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe D. Roa. Da.
00:26:02
Dude, please sit in the blue chair. Rough night. No, I just Did you do my uh Oh, D.
00:26:08
Rosegard. Oh, that's good. I thought you just spelled my name wrong to [ __ ] with me. Just put the headphones on and shut up.
00:26:13
Oh, wow. This guy was a bad boy last night. He off. You're a little prank. Pranky.
00:26:19
You're a little pranky. You're a prank. It's It's the Egyptian in you, man. I don't like it.
00:26:25
I don't even know what that means, but um I always forget that you're Middle Eastern. And you brought it up last night. Yes.
00:26:31
You're doing You're having a tough time right now. I'm great. I'm good. No, I could tell at the at the
00:26:36
restaurant. Uh I'm good. I'm good. I'm adjusting to how far away I am from both of you. I've
00:26:41
seen the show. I didn't realize it was quite this far away. Would you want to be closer? Um I don't know to be honest. It does
00:26:48
feel a little interrogational at the moment. Oh, like we're judges. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you guys are sitting up high.
00:26:54
Well, we have a verdict. Yeah. And the verdict is, you know, you went a little crazy last night. I did go a little crazy last night, but
00:27:00
so did he. So did the kid. Yeah. I heard you guys were wild together on stage. We had a good time.
00:27:05
Yes. I think it was good. I heard it was good. No, it was good. We had fun. Mullen. Was it good? Fun. Yeah, it was. The audience liked
00:27:11
it. Good news. You know, in this what we do, news travels fast, right? And there's like I have little birds out there. Uhhuh. You know, I have birds at every club.
00:27:22
Uhhuh. And what the little birdie said was, "Good time." Wild. The good time. Wild time.
00:27:27
Yeah. Wild time. You did live here, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For like six years. I stayed an
00:27:33
extra year because of you. You don't even remember. Why? You don't even remember.
00:27:38
Why? Because I said I said I'm leaving. Three people talked me into staying. You were
00:27:43
one of them. Okay. Who are the other two? What happened? Who are the other two? Right. Mark Marin and Burr.
00:27:48
Yeah. Me, Burr. Mark Marin convinced you to stay an extra year. Yeah. Why? What did I say?
00:27:54
I told Hold on. I told Burr first. I said, "I'm leaving." Yeah. He's like, "Ah, you're hanging up your
00:27:59
cleats. You're going to go back to [ __ ] Right." Right. Yeah. Then uh then I saw Mark Maron. The same
00:28:05
night I saw Mark Maron randomly. He walks up to me. He goes, "Heard your pussing out, man." And I was like,
00:28:11
"Jesus, how like I don't like right." And he goes, "Why you want to leave, dude?" And I go, "I miss New York. Uh, I
00:28:19
don't think I click with this place. I don't The energy is weird." And he goes, "Yeah, man. Yeah, you don't get that charge when you go outside here, man. I
00:28:25
get it, man." And I go, "I also don't think I'm going to meet my wife here." You know what I mean? He goes,
00:28:31
"Your wife, look at you. How dare you." And I was like, "Yeah, you're right." And how right he was. Yeah. Yeah, it was totally right. And then I saw you in in and third person.
00:28:45
It was one, two, three. And you were like, "What's this [ __ ] man?" Somebody [ __ ] said, "You're leaving." It was
00:28:51
crazy how the word traveling. It was nuts. Yeah. And um for a guy that hadn't been
00:28:57
working and I go, "Bobby, I've never very funny guy. Always knew." Yeah. Thank you. That's all that matters to me. No, I appreciate that. Okay. But I'm saying like I couldn't believe how many
00:29:08
people were talking about me leaving when I hadn't had a job in like three year. It was brutal. I came out here the
00:29:13
first three years. Week one, booked the lead on an FX animated pilot. Month two, Got Better Call Saul. Month three, Comedy Central is going to let give you your first hour and they're
00:29:26
going to let you direct it. Writing job, Wet Hot America, Pete Pete Holm Show. Then to Wet Out American Summer, then to
00:29:32
[ __ ] Jeff and some Aliens, then to Mosha Casher show. Dude, it was one thing after the [ __ ] next. I'm at my
00:29:40
birthday party. I look up. [ __ ] Rob Melhaney is there. I'm like, "What's going on?" I I I'm doing it. This is This is it. Yeah. This is LA. I love I love LA.
00:29:51
Essenti happening, baby. And then and I and then uh and then the last thing was I booked a a multiam on CBS where I played the like lethario like
00:30:06
the office perve and per perfect casting. Yeah. Perfect. Fired me. Two weeks before the table read we're cutting the character. It's too
00:30:16
unlikable. Me too happens the following week. Less moons at CBS goes down. I'm like oh
00:30:23
that's why they cut the character. Wow. Yeah. And I my hand to God, I got the job. Uh my friend Pat Walsh, my co-host
00:30:30
of my podcast, Pat Walsh, he was the showrunner. And I I still had to audition. And uh he goes, uh uh they ran
00:30:40
your tape up the ladder. Less Moonveves said, "This guy's hilarious. Hire him." And then he got me dude.
00:30:46
Then he got fired. Yeah. Yeah. For basically being the character I was playing for being the character. He's like, "This guy's awesome."
00:30:51
It's so funny, dude. Anyway, um, so the show I get booted off the show. I had two pilots in the pipeline. Both, they were like, "They're not even going to air. You're not getting a [ __ ]
00:31:03
dime. Nothing's happening with these." The movie I was working on and developing at Rooster Teeth, which was a
00:31:10
production house. I know them. Yeah. They they were like, "Um, we're not moving forward. Sorry." Like, it's
00:31:15
just not whatever, dude. It was just my manager and I split up. It was like it was a it was a polar opposite of what the first three years were.
00:31:27
It was a crash [ __ ] landing. He gets like I'm I don't know if I'm going to get you on the wall, but you at the store.
00:31:37
Yeah. Wow. Cuz he was like, I'm trying. It's who who's he? Adam. Adam. Adam Eaggan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:31:43
He's But he's But like he's like he's like it's it's not you, dudes. There's a lot there's politic like I don't know
00:31:48
what's going to happen, you know? You're a paid regular now. Now I am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he gets one of my [ __ ] best
00:31:55
friends. Like he's like I love the guy so much. It wasn't Is your name on it now? Yeah. Great. I forgot to [ __ ] look at it last
00:32:02
night. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, I've never seen it in person. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Well, go now. Go after the show. Nah cares. See? Yeah. Who gives a [ __ ]
00:32:13
Yeah. Who gives a Yeah. You got to see it and go, "Okay." Yeah. Um and then for three years nothing. So,
00:32:19
three years nothing. So, I saw you. You were the third person. Yeah. In the same night and you were like, I
00:32:25
heard you're leaving town. I'm sorry. And I go, "Yeah, buddy. I'm going to go." I think. And you go, "Why?" And I
00:32:30
said, "Bobby, I haven't worked in 3 years." And you went, "3 years is nothing. I didn't work for 5 years once."
00:32:36
Yeah. And I was like, which is not true. It is 100% true. You've never gone 5 years without working.
00:32:42
As he was saying, I'd bet my bank account on it. You've five years. You haven't gone 5 years without working. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, I got one line in a
00:32:48
Nickelodeon show. That's a win. That's not a win. Better than him getting booted off of everything, right? And crash landing,
00:32:54
right? Okay. Five years. You never went five [ __ ] years, man. You're You've been cruising
00:33:00
since the beginning of time. Okay. You know what's funny? What are you doing? Looking up my IMDb. Yeah. To prove in the Yeah. Yeah.
00:33:05
See if there's a gap in my timeline. Not going to find a fiveyear one. Yeah. Are you in season three of And just like No. No.
00:33:10
No. Why not? She doesn't do the podcast anymore. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't ask. I just, you know, I'm not seeing a 5year gap at all.
00:33:17
Okay. But you see things, projects that are like, this is, okay, this is insane. What do you mean?
00:33:23
It's constant. It looks like a [ __ ] receipt at the grocery. Jesus. CVS receipt of credits.
00:33:29
Yeah. Like Yeah. Okay. All right. Uh, anyway, I lied. You I Joe, I lied. I know. I'm a liar. I'm sorry. I knew I lie right in front of your face.
00:33:41
I knew you were lying as saying it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I apologize. But yeah, you said you said so what, dude? So
00:33:47
you're not working. What about standup? And I said, dude, I there's no stage time. I can't get in anywhere.
00:33:52
You're like, [ __ ] that. That's going to turn around. And I did it. You you you go, I want you to give it
00:33:58
another one more push. And I called the Laugh Factory and I was like, [ __ ] it.
00:34:04
And they were like, yeah, put your avails in. And I put my avails in and because they had been kind of cold prior
00:34:11
to that, so I just I'll try it again. And I they were like, "Put your avails in." And the first night I had a spot
00:34:16
was a week later and you were on the show. Uh but you left before I got there. And when I walked in, the lady at the box office goes, "I have something for you."
00:34:27
Here we go. This is good. Yeah. And I said, "What?" And she handed me a note. I was like, "What is going on?"
00:34:33
Yeah. And it was from you. And it said, "Well, well, well. Look who's working." It was a really sweet thing. Isn't that
00:34:39
sweet? Well, I got a little teary almost when I Do you still have the note? No. Good. Of course you threw it away that night.
00:34:44
I wet my ass with No, I actually do have the note. I have a I have a box. I have one of those giant like or maybe
00:34:50
probably two now. Um you know those big clear like Tupperware things you get at Target. Yeah. Storage bin. I have a couple of those of
00:34:57
all memorabilia. Wow. So like that I would I took that home and threw it immediately into anytime I get something I throw it in the tub. Did you get spots after that?
00:35:09
I did. I did. Uh, two more spots. Yeah. And the second one, uh, the early show ran 90 minutes over. Let me guess. Why? I have a guess.
00:35:20
Go ahead. Was it Chocolate Sundays? No. That was a Saturday night. Okay. Why that?
00:35:26
Huh? Why that? Chocolate Sundays? Yeah, cuz they run long. Okay. Those shows run long.
00:35:31
It was a Saturday night. Somebody dropped in. Maybe it was I don't know. You know, maybe it was just they had dropins. I don't know. But the
00:35:37
show was 90 minutes too long. That's why I don't play that room a lot, right? Yeah. And then um my 11:30 was a 1:30.
00:35:45
Oh, yeah. [ __ ] And I got up and there was six people in the room that were there from the
00:35:51
[ __ ] earlier show. They just stayed. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I can't do this. I'm I'm moving back to New York. I have to go back. And I'm not That's not me knocking the Laugh Factory. In fact, I
00:36:02
saw the the Booker last night and I want to do it again when I come to town. But like it just it just wasn't the place
00:36:08
wasn't for me anymore. I was like, "Okay, this is what it was." But then I went back to New York and started doing
00:36:14
standup every [ __ ] night and I was like, "This is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is amazing." And then they
00:36:20
were like, "Uh, you can't leave the house ever again." Co, what have I done? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Wow. I forgot you moved like right before then. Right before. Dude, I had my apartment
00:36:32
had no windows in it. Oh my god. Lived in a cellar. It was No, it was on the third floor, but the windows were in the bedroom. Wow. So, the main room had no windows and it
00:36:44
was the place was a dump. But I was like, where where was it? It was Avenue B and Second Street. Yeah.
00:36:50
And it was two grand a month. And everybody was like, "You better grab that [ __ ] apartment, dude. Like, that
00:36:55
location is insane for that price." And I was like, "It's not that nice, but you know what? I'm never going to be there. I'll be doing standup all the time. Who
00:37:02
cares? It's just a crash pad. lock. How wrong you were. Yeah. The [ __ ] hallway, dude. Wow. It was the grossest hall. Remember when they thought you could get it from a
00:37:13
surface? Like my hallway? I was I thought I was I'm going to die in this hallway. Yeah. That dude when So remember when
00:37:20
Tom Hanks got it from flying back from Australia? Yeah. He was like one of the And I thought I thought we're all going
00:37:26
to die. Do you remember that? Yeah. And then the coach from um Arsenal, Muel Artetta, got it. I was like, "Oh my god,
00:37:33
there goes Arsenal. They're gonna all die. They're all die." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They [ __ ] It's I I I shot that.
00:37:39
Remember Comedy Seller had that show on Comedy Central for a while, the standup show. I was shooting that show and I found out
00:37:46
about Tom Hanks at the spot I was doing to warm up. And I got to go on stage because the crowd was in the taping when
00:37:54
the news broke. So I got to be the person that went on stage and said, "Tom Hanks has CO."
00:38:00
Really? Really? Yeah. Wow. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, it was a fun It was a fun moment. But, uh, but yeah,
00:38:06
but anyway, things are good now. Yeah. Yeah. Now you're good. Well, yeah, you're killing it now. Living awesome. You have
00:38:11
Do you feel like you're killing it? Uh, look, I am very uh grateful. Um, I have I have a lot of thoughts on this. I'm glad you asked. Yeah. Yeah. Good, good, good.
00:38:23
Andrew, feel free to jump in at any point. No, I want I'm I Yeah, you look like you want to punch me in the face right now. a little bit. Why? You drugged me down the avenue of hell
00:38:34
last night. No, you did it. No, you did it. [ __ ] You did it. No, I didn't. Thank you, Bobby. No, I didn't. Cuz he never goes down the avenue of hell. He goes to the the street of
00:38:45
heaven. Street of heaven. And you took me down the kid is a lush. What are you talking
00:38:50
about? You took me down. He's hiding it from you. I know. I know. Down, dude. Yeah. You [ __ ] were, Dude. You were like,
00:38:57
"Let's go, B." Like who started at the [ __ ] show when he had a drink on the podcast? You were in there. He was like, "I'm going to get
00:39:04
wrecked." Well, just cuz you poured him a huge drink. Yeah, I was responding to you. You He
00:39:09
poured me a full glass of whiskey being like, "Come on, dude. Come on. Drink. Drink. Drink." Yeah. Yeah. He was Your podcast is called Whiskey Ginger.
00:39:15
Yeah. That's his fault. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. He knew. Yeah. Okay. He knew what he was getting into. So, you drank whiskey on his pod
00:39:23
all night and then you went all night and then you went No, but wait, I want to I I want to
00:39:29
respond to what you said. Okay. I look at it like, you know, there's glass ceilings and you keep going
00:39:34
through and eventually the top tier, it's a steel ceiling. You can't get through it. There's only so high you can
00:39:40
go. But the tears are, you know, fairly large tears. But you're in the building. Yes. But there's a lot of guys in that room when you get to that last tier.
00:39:52
You're on the first floor. That's good. Of you. True classic. Yeah. You classic guy.
00:39:58
I'm so classic. And you know, you see me, you make fun of me by how many of these I wear all the time. I'm turning classic now. You are turning classic cuz I love them.
00:40:05
And that true classic, by the way, it's not just about the fit of the fabric. It's helping you show up with confidence every single day and purpose. These
00:40:11
shirts, I'm telling you, are so comfortable and so wearable no matter what you're up to. Whether you're like
00:40:16
Bobby Lee, you're playing pickle ball on rollerblades, or you're like me, you're at the golf course and going to have uh
00:40:21
club sandwiches with friends afterwards. I meditate with them on the mountaintop that I meditate at. You're still going to that same mountain
00:40:27
top? Yes. Meditation mountain top. You should go. You've been wearing true classic for a while now. For a long time. You can. And can you feel the difference?
00:40:33
100%. Right. You throw on. You really do. Clean, effortless fit that actually works in real life. And it's not just
00:40:38
their simple classic TE's. They also have uh uh polo shirts that I love very much. And you got to try them out. It's
00:40:44
going to fit within your budget. That's the best part. Clothes are getting expensive. And I'm telling you, you don't have to hunt for a good uh a good
00:40:50
deal of something comfortable that looks classic, clean, and also is very versatile because True Classic has got
00:40:55
that. And you can find them at Target, Costco, and head to trueclass.com/badfriends
00:41:02
to try them for yourself. That's right. Go over to Target. Go to Costco. Go to whatever you need to. But you can also go to trueclassic.com/badfriends.
00:41:08
Check it out. Best birthday ever. Well, there's one where that came from. A word. [Music]
00:41:22
Is that the new Bad Friends merch? Happy birthday to me. Do you want to touch it? Can I?
00:41:34
Yeah. Oh, genuine embroidery. So, was your birthday perfect? Almost perfect. [Music]
00:41:45
You want me to say it, don't you? I want you to say it. I don't think you can handle it.
00:41:51
I can handle it. I'm a Bobby mother. I'm Bobby mom. Oh, yes. Yes. Thank you. Oh,
00:42:09
you just sometimes forget to be grateful. But the thing that makes me grateful, and it's my reminder every
00:42:14
week, and I [ __ ] cherish this because there are some people that can't do it, and it's such a simple thing. The
00:42:20
grocery store. I go to the grocery store once a week. I walk and buy the things I
00:42:27
want and need, and I go to the checkout, and whatever she says this cost, I hand
00:42:33
her the card. And I'm like, "You are so [ __ ] lucky that you can do that. You are so [ __ ] lucky that you can do that, man. I get that. The grocery store, I get it. Yeah, we we always used to talk about that.
00:42:44
That I think you knew you made it in standup is when you can go eat a meal afterwards with other comics and then
00:42:51
not worry about what the meal the what it was going to cost you. Yeah, cuz when you were young in stand up and
00:42:56
you go out and you'd all be like, who's going to [ __ ] are we all going to split this? Are they going to Me and my roommates used to share a BRC
00:43:03
burrito. It's amazing, right? El Poo Loco BRC $1. What's the BRC? Bean, rice, and cheese. Wow. And we would split one a day and we'd split in half.
00:43:15
And then we would get arguments of how much bean that he got extra. Well, yeah. Sometimes it's Well, he was Mexican, so I mean, I let it slide. They love the beans. But my point is is that
00:43:25
I need it, bro. And I got more of the rice. Yeah. Yeah. So, it's a fair exchange. But, um, yeah. I
00:43:32
mean, that's all we ate and I was a standup. Mhm. And I was hitting the clubs, but that's all I could eat. And now I'm
00:43:39
grateful that I can get more. You dude, but you That's an understatement. You order the
00:43:44
whole menu. Yeah. You He He really does. Yeah. I love that, dude. I love He orders the whole [ __ ] thing.
00:43:50
I've ordered two entre before cuz I'm like, I can't decide. Yes. Yeah. You've done that.
00:43:55
I'll order with you. You order Can I just say something in Dublin? You You did the ordering.
00:44:01
You know what he does? This is what he does. tells the table, "Don't worry about it."
00:44:06
And they'll have a private You always have a private meeting with the with the [ __ ] waiter.
00:44:12
You do. You do. You do your f the [ __ ] The hide comes out. Hey, I got this, right?
00:44:19
Yeah. Yeah. Bonjour or whatever. You'll pull aside and then things will just come out.
00:44:24
Yeah. And we don't have to worry. I slip him a card and then Yeah. Yeah. He takes care of the whole thing. That's Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Paul Italia does that.
00:44:31
That's fun. Paul Italia does that. The Paul that owns the stand that I that I do Joey Roses with.
00:44:36
Um he'll he'll want to check out a restaurant and he'll go in and he'll run the [ __ ] menu.
00:44:42
That's fun. He'll be like he'll be like, "Bring it. Bring it. Bring it. Bring it." Like, "Why not?" And then, you know, and then it's paid
00:44:47
for and you're like, "Okay, all right, dude." Well, then also here's the real move. Get the [ __ ] to go you can't eat. Find
00:44:53
your nearest homeless guy. Go, dude. You want a [ __ ] killer meal? I've got so much leftover. And then they go, "I don't want it. Give
00:44:59
me crack." You go and you're like, I'm giving you a steak. Is there crack in it?
00:45:07
You go up to the homeless guy, you go, you want a killer meal? You got to try this place. Wait till you get it. When you get your
00:45:12
life together, man, you'll be able to get in there. Yeah, this really good spot over here, buddy.
00:45:18
That was one of my f one of my first shitty jokes uh was about taking a girl on a date that I couldn't afford. And then uh we got food to go. We got the
00:45:29
leftovers to go and I walk past a homeless guy. This is in Westwood. And the homeless guy was like, you know, looking at me and I go,
00:45:36
I'm going to give him the food, you know, in front of this girl. I thought it'd like be a good gesture. I go, "Hey man, you you want this food?" And
00:45:42
he goes, "What's in it?" And I was like, "Tomorrow another day on earth." Wow. You said it or not, you piece. No, I didn't say that. No, I didn't say that
00:45:54
to him. No, no, but but he literally was like, "What's in it?" I was like, "Oh, I don't know. It's a whatever blah blah blah." And then and he goes, "Nah,
00:45:59
I he [ __ ] me off." I was like, "All right, dude. I wrote a joke about this. I had a homeless guy once uh he I go, "Do you
00:46:06
want this leftover Chinese food?" He goes, "It depends." And I go, "Oh, does it?" Yeah. Does it? Yeah. And I go, "What does it depend
00:46:12
on?" He goes, "Is there meat in it?" And I go, "Yeah." And he goes, "Hard pass. I'm a strict vegetarian." I go, "You might want to loosen up the reinss on
00:46:18
that." Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Well, there's a rat eating your leg right now, so take take it all in, my friend. Relax. I've gotten somebody laid.
00:46:30
A homeless guy? No, not a homeless guy, but another another comic. I'm that gracious.
00:46:35
Wait, would it Wait, would it you got somebody laid? You Well, sometimes I've I've done that. Oh, okay. So, I matched with this girl on Hinge
00:46:43
back in the day and eventually they they got, you know, and then um she saw a flyer with me and
00:46:51
this I I saw him last I don't I forgot his name, but he's a handsome upand cominging one of those tick- tocky
00:46:58
comics. You don't remember the kid's name? No, I don't. Okay. And I go he she goes, "I think he's hot." And I linked them together.
00:47:06
Wow. Wow. Yeah. Would you do that uh for you? I try to find you girls. No, but would you do that to a stranger?
00:47:12
Cuz I didn't even know who he was. Yeah. If it's a comic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For comics, you would.
00:47:17
Would you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If Yeah. your ego. You put your ego aside. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, but you didn't you you weren't really putting much aside because she didn't want to [ __ ] you. I
00:47:29
mean, you really did nothing for this person. You You're like, am I I was like, I'm such a great guy that I didn't
00:47:37
prevent a woman who had zero interest in me from [ __ ] my friend. This is Come on. It's good. What it is? It is good. It is good. It's nice.
00:47:51
That made me mad. Joe, I'm Let me just say something. Okay, I could have been like, "Fuck off." Yeah. No, I I agree. Right. But I don't This guy I had to
00:48:03
[ __ ] text the promoter to get this guy's information, right? And then link them up.
00:48:09
That's nice. Then call the guy had this girl that kind of rejected me, but she think she's into you. Yeah. Right. And he goes, "Really? I don't
00:48:16
know you." I go, "I know. Cuz I'm a good guy." Oh, you didn't know him? I didn't know him at all. He doesn't even know his [ __ ] name.
00:48:22
I don't even know his name to this today. I I thought I thought So take it back. I take it back. All right.
00:48:27
I thought you were saying like he was a guy you kind of knew. You were on a show. No, no, no. You Yeah. All day.
00:48:33
Yeah. Joe D. Roso. Why would you want to [ __ ] that mythological creature? But you know what I mean? I would still do it.
00:48:38
Yeah. Oh god, that hurt. Yeah. Mythological creature. Human Gollum. I mean, well, I guess Gollum was human. Yeah. Thank you. All right. So anyway, was he? Yeah. Yeah. He was a hobbit.
00:48:50
He was a hobbit. Yeah. Not human, but a hobbit. Yeah. Humans aren't. Yeah. Yeah. Um Yeah. Are you seeing anybody now?
00:48:56
I just broke up. Ah. Did it hurt? It did. Yeah. It hurt really bad. So, she did broke up with you. No, it was mutual. I heard we heard about it last night. Is that true?
00:49:07
Oh, yeah. Yeah. You went on a I talked a lot about it. We were broing down. Yeah, we were broing. Yeah, I was. Yeah, we're
00:49:12
I don't want to get into details cuz it's personal. Whatever you were. But do you still get your heart broken?
00:49:18
That was the first girl I ever was truly like fully in love with. Like I loved her very much.
00:49:24
Oh, this is a nightmare. No, it's it's okay. What did you do? Wait, what's the nightmare? Because I'm
00:49:30
talking about it. Is that bad? It's going to make him sad. No, it's not going to make me sad. It's going to make me sad.
00:49:35
Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm not sad. Are you sad? I'm not sad. You sure? No. Okay. I'm kind of happy. Okay.
00:49:43
You did see a little pain. It makes me a little happy. Yeah. Yeah. Uh it was mutual. She's she's great. She's
00:49:50
really great. Uh but it's just was mutual. And um we were both comics. It made it that that adds complications. That's hard. Um but you know, can we say can we It was just Kathy
00:50:02
Griffin. No, no, no. It was Eric Griffin. Oh, that's Oh, I see. Did you do the Impractical Joker's cruise? Did you do that? Yeah. Yeah. You like that, huh?
00:50:23
That was fun. Well, you had a little fun on there. Yeah. Little piggy on that. You're a little fat little piggy
00:50:29
slob, dude. No, it was so fun, dude. We were [ __ ] gambling. This is what the Q West thing
00:50:35
was like. Just partying. Yeah. I I went back uh to Austin after I did it and some of some of the guys in
00:50:41
Austin like Derek Poston and Assan and what they were like that that Q West thing looked nuts like was what was that? I was like it was a festival whenever they go do you have to do a ton of standup? I go bro I got there on
00:50:52
Wednesday my show wasn't until Saturday. Wow. And they go how many shows did you do? I go one. And they go what else did you
00:50:59
do? I was like I don't know. They'd be like can you go host a belly flop contest?
00:51:05
Like it was ridiculous. Yeah. But that's what the Joker's cruise was like. Same thing. Yeah. All I had to do, me and S did two
00:51:12
taste bud lives. That's it. That was all I had to do. The rest of the time I was gambling. I was [ __ ]
00:51:19
drinking. Hanging by the pool all day. Yeah, dude. It was so fun. Hosted like I'm going to one in February next year.
00:51:25
What are you doing? Where? A a cruise. You doing a comedy cruise? Yeah. You're not going to catch me on a cruise, man. I can't do it. I don't I
00:51:31
get that that the panic, the fear, dude. I don't like I'm starting to get that with with [ __ ] like that now where you're trapped and can't leave. Yeah, I don't like that. I need to get out. I need to be I need to be able to
00:51:42
have access to like get the [ __ ] out. I don't like it. There's lifeboats. The lifeboats.
00:51:47
There's lifeboats on the I guess I'll take a You know what? [ __ ] it. I'll take out. Dude, that reminded me. I did the Cabo Comedy Festival. I
00:51:53
think it only went like one year. Uh I I did that, too. You did that? They flew me down there? Yeah. This is the funniest [ __ ] There was no
00:51:59
one organizing it. It was [ __ ] absolute chaos. I saw Kevin Meanie quit comedy at that [ __ ]
00:52:05
No, really. I'm dead serious. Go ahead. I'm not stepping. No, there's no story to tell other than I literally flew down there. They I
00:52:11
didn't do one show. Didn't do a show. 5day vacation. Went home. They were so disorganized. They were
00:52:17
like, "What show are you on?" I'm like, "No, you guys tell me." And they're like, "I think you're supposed to be at this bar at whatever." I showed up to
00:52:23
the bar. TJ Miller or somebody was like doing an hour and I was like, "I'm on this show." And they were like, I I
00:52:29
don't know. Then I literally just stopped answering their emails. I just went to the beach every day. Wow. It was [ __ ] great. And they paid me.
00:52:35
It was Yeah, that fest was insane. It was a nightmare. No, you know, it was a nightmare. But they [ __ ]
00:52:42
uh I And I wasn't drinking. I was like in a little sober stint when I was there. That was not fun.
00:52:50
Not at all. But uh yeah, you're at Sammy Hagar's [ __ ] Tequila World, whatever the [ __ ] it's
00:52:56
called. Yeah. Margaritavville's competitor. Yeah. And you can't you're not drinking. You're like, but anyway, yeah. Three
00:53:03
things happened down there. I got into a fight with House Sparks. A fist fight with House Spark. No. And on stage
00:53:10
in front of an audience. Why? Uh Seth Herzog has this show called Sweet that he's been doing in New York forever. And the the way the show works
00:53:22
is is he has a co-host. And you, if you're the co-host, you sit with Seth on the side of the stage and you riff with
00:53:29
the comics. Sure. And like in New York, it'll be like literally like Will Forte or like Justin
00:53:35
Long or Sam Rockwell. He gets all these really fun people. And in Cabo, he's like, "Brother, you've
00:53:40
done Sweet a million times. Like just co-host with me. It'll be fun." So I was like, "That'd be great." So we're sitting there, of course, we're in a
00:53:47
nightmare [ __ ] bar where every, you know, it's not a good show to begin with because of Cabo, I mean. And then um Hal
00:53:54
Sparks went on and I guess he didn't know what the show was and he was talking and I was like and I
00:53:59
jumped in and said something. He goes he goes, "I got it from here, pal. All right. I don't need your [ __ ] help."
00:54:04
Uhoh. Right. Like that. So dude, I sit back. I sit back and immediately it's like
00:54:11
Yeah. You know, I had a tiger dog. Yeah. Yeah. Remember that clip of you and Theo where you're staring at him?
00:54:16
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like that. Yeah. And I'm just like, you [ __ ] [ __ ] Yeah.
00:54:22
And um he's loading up the bullets and I'm just seething. And then halfway through his set, he talked to me and I
00:54:29
go and he goes, "I'm talking to you, man." And I go, "Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to say something? I I tried to jump in earlier and you got really pissed off." Oh, here we go. And he goes, "I didn't know you were so
00:54:41
sensitive, little sweetie." And I go, "Yeah." Yeah. Yeah. And I go, "Yeah, I didn't know you were a [ __ ]
00:54:49
right away." Wow. All right. No slow build. Just come as hard as you can. My hand to God. Uh uh Bud Freriedman was
00:54:58
still alive. He was at the back of the room. He stood up and walked out. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
00:55:03
For people that don't That's the guy who owned the improv. He was done. And I was like, "Well, there go the improvs."
00:55:08
Yeah. And then did it ever resolve. You ever run into him? I saw him the next day. Yeah.
00:55:14
And uh I saw him the next day in the lobby and he he lectured me for about 10 minutes. Bud did No. No. Cal [ __ ] Sparks Lex. Lectured. Wow.
00:55:24
About what? He's like, "Look, man. You know, I'm sorry about last night, but you got to understand something like they didn't
00:55:30
tell me what the show was." And I'm like, "Okay, like cool, dude." And he was like, he's
00:55:35
like, "Every show has I just told this story the other night. It's so hard not to laugh." He goes, "Every show has I tell you what he said." He goes,
00:55:47
"Every show has an id, an ego, and a super ego." Oh my god. Oh my god. And you have to be familiar with all three. Now, let me tell you why uh the show Set
00:55:57
List does so. That was Was that Provengers show? Yeah. Where you made up the jokes? No. Yeah. Set list. Yeah.
00:56:02
Set list. He goes, "Let me tell you why set list does so well. Every week they reiterate the concept of that show to
00:56:09
the audience and that audience has seen it a million times because that is how you treat the id ego and and I was like
00:56:16
I am going to blow my brains. Kathy Ladman standing over there. I've never met her. I was like I'm going try to talk to Kathy Ladman. I got to get out of this.
00:56:28
And then tell me who quick comedy and then then I saw Florentine and I was like right after that
00:56:34
and he's like what's up man? And I go, "You know who's a [ __ ] dick? How Sparks?" And he goes, "What are you
00:56:40
gonna [ __ ] do?" I was so mad at the lecture. I was more mad at the lecture. Yeah. And I've never I've never seen him since. Oh, wow. I mean, I wouldn't I don't I'm not You
00:56:51
know, let's set up a fight. Yeah. I love wars. Let's set up a war. Do you know him? Is he nice? I mean,
00:56:57
I don't know anything. I know who he is. Yeah. Even if I I've never even been in the same room as him.
00:57:02
Uh I think I've done a show with him once. I don't really know though. Yeah. I don't know. I had met him at um Montreal
00:57:10
and we went we we took a car. Remember sometimes at the Montreal Fest they'd make you do some show that was like
00:57:16
actually out of town? Yeah. And it was the worst cuz you were in a [ __ ] car for 45 minutes with one
00:57:23
other comic. I did that with him once and we got along really well. Ah. And he and that's the first time I met him, right? And I knew who he was from the L Word. He was on that Showtime show that you
00:57:35
Oh, yeah. That's right. Or no, no, he was on Queer as Folk. Yeah. And um so I knew who he was.
00:57:40
Oh, no. Yeah. And uh and uh you know, we we had a great time. And then like when we rode
00:57:46
back, he's like, "Hey, man. You're really funny, dude." And like we talked. I was like, "This guy's awesome." So when I saw him the next time, it was
00:57:52
when he was on stage at Sweet and I was like, "Oh, this is I I know how." Yeah. We took that card to see that makes the story even weirder. Yeah. Yeah. I'm actually just remembering that
00:58:03
part of it now. Yeah. I was like, I should have told this part first. Yeah. If somebody says back in when I was
00:58:09
growing up in this business, one weird thing forever dead to me. But you have little revengey things too.
00:58:15
Yeah. I don't know who I don't know who my who say it. You have it with clubs. With play Oh, certain clubs. When you were younger, they didn't treat you that well. Yeah. And then you still carry that with you.
00:58:27
I mean, don't we all do that? Oh, yeah. I [ __ ] Yes. You do that? No. Liar. I love yaks. I just I I guess I maybe you do.
00:58:39
I Yeah. Um you do you have them? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was at one. I was at I can name five. I was at one. Yeah. Uh that will remain nameless. Governors Long Island. That place can
00:58:51
[ __ ] burn to the ground. I like Governors. I don't [ __ ] that whole thing, dude. That guy made me feel like [ __ ] man.
00:58:57
When I was a kid. Wait, wait. Which guy? It was this was a long time. I mean because I'm just wondering if it's some random man. I might have got I was getting New York
00:59:03
Comedy Fest. It was probably 2011 or something like that. 2010. But he whatever man. There was a paper show was
00:59:10
[ __ ] awful. There was nobody there. And there was a bunch of like it's like out of a bad movie like Italian like
00:59:16
sitting at a [ __ ] table talking the whole talking through every comic like just [ __ ] on everybody.
00:59:22
That can happen on Long Island. And he's saying shut up. And I'm like dude take care of this. And they don't take care of it. And then I was like, "Well, I'll just I don't I don't want to
00:59:28
do the show anymore. There's not even enough people in here for It was like 13 people." I was like, "I'll get I'll, you know,
00:59:33
I'll pay for you guys to not be here. If you guys want to leave, everybody can leave." And they were, you know, oh, they're
00:59:39
[ __ ] barking at me and [ __ ] And then I just sat on the stool. I literally sat and didn't say anything until people slowly got up and left. And the guy was
00:59:45
like, "That's the most unprofessional [ __ ] I'm taking those ticket prices out of your paycheck or whatever." And I was like, "Good.
00:59:51
And keep the [ __ ] paycheck." And write will never come back here. I I had that with uh Off the Hook.
00:59:58
Oh my god. And that [ __ ] douchebag. Yeah, that douchebag that when you meet him, he goes, "Hey, Joe, I'm the captain."
01:00:05
Really? Really? Why don't you sail on my [ __ ] dick, you loser. The worst [ __ ] crowds I've ever been in my He lied. He said I ran up like a
01:00:18
like an impossible bar bill. Yeah. Imp like I had like four shots and a beer at the bar at the V because you literally two of them before before I
01:00:29
went on stage because I was like this is a [ __ ] nightmare. I can't do this. And uh and then I had I had to drink on
01:00:36
stage and then a drink after or whatever. And then I left because big big surprise. I didn't want to hang out at Captain Brian's Off the Hook for my
01:00:43
night in Florida. And uh I'm like, "Bro, your audiences suck. They suck and they're stupid. They're stupid. It's not my fault. He's like, "Yeah, you had a bad show."
01:00:55
You know, you never went down there. I'm mad that I was never booked. No, that's how mad I am. I don't even
01:01:01
know Captain Brian. Two of them, right? Yeah. Yeah. I want to meet Captain I don't know if it's two or he just moved it. Yeah.
01:01:06
Yeah. I did I did it one time. [ __ ] Jim Jeff. This is Facebook was the only thing. Facebook Messenger.
01:01:12
Remember, this is a long time ago then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [ __ ] Jim Jeff who like I was friendly with but didn't know that
01:01:19
well. He messaged me on Facebook Messenger and he was like, "Mate, I know you suffer from depression. I know what club you're at this." Wow. Wow. Wow. And he goes, "Are you doing okay?" I go,
01:01:32
"It's a nightmare. Don't walk out into the ocean." Yeah. I go, "It's a nightmare." I go, "Did you do well when you were here?"
01:01:37
And he goes, "Fuck no." And he told a story to me that he walked the entire crowd outside so he could have a
01:01:43
cigarette. Wow. Because he's like, it was a [ __ ] joke. A drunk lady got on stage with me
01:01:49
the last show and tried to wrestle the mic out of my hand and the staff did nothing. I was screaming at the [ __ ]
01:01:56
staff. Yeah. And then this is my favorite part. At the end of the weekend, they go, "Would you sign the your head shot?
01:02:02
What are you gonna Yeah. What are you gonna do with it?" Yeah. You put it up above the lobster. Um, it did have a seafood bar in the middle
01:02:08
of the room where you're performing. Really? I'm not You went to Captain Brian Zoo? Yes, I did. I told you I did it one
01:02:15
time. Wow. Everybody does it one time. Never even did it one time. That's how sad my [ __ ] [ __ ] is. But he had But he
01:02:21
I don't even know if he was there when I went down there. Maybe he was, but I went down there and I walked in and
01:02:27
immediately I was like, "Fuck, [ __ ] People are eating dinner. It's dinner. It's terrible." I got this feeling.
01:02:34
It was tough, man. Do you do your 45 or no? I did the time. I will say this, dude. That does mold you when you're young and
01:02:39
into you're like, "Fuck it. I'm going to grind the [ __ ] out." Like, it is something good about those things. Your relationship, your experience was
01:02:45
obviously terrible. But I like I think there was something about those rooms when I when I was doing them that I was like, "Well, this is just going to make
01:02:50
me build an hour." That's also though when I was really in my like I wish I was Bill Hicks mode.
01:02:58
Oh, yeah. So, I went on stage and I was like, I'm doing the material and you're either going to get it or you you know what I
01:03:04
mean? I didn't break out of anything. I didn't do crowd work. I could have. Now I'd be like, I'll figure this out. Yeah.
01:03:10
You don't know the trick? No. What's this trick? Make up your own rules. You make up your own rules. Do whatever.
01:03:15
What? Let me ask you this. Okay. You don't know the trick. Get one of the biggest podcasts in history and then you don't have to do this.
01:03:22
No. No. No. No. No. This is before. Way before. This is way before somebody I don't know who did this.
01:03:28
They made up a rule. Opener does 10:15. Feature does 30. Yeah. The headliner is 45. You mix it
01:03:35
up. Mix it up. Yeah, but opener does 45. Yeah. You know what I mean? Who cares? Feature does 30.
01:03:41
Yeah, he does 10. Yeah. Mix it up. You mix it up, dude. You always though, you always didn't
01:03:47
give a [ __ ] The first Do you remember the first time we met at the Laugh Factory in New York opening weekend?
01:03:53
Oh my god, that was the worst week. Yeah. And Jamie was there and he had you headlining that main room. Yeah. Yeah.
01:03:58
And you Okay. What' I do? You 100% lit your pubes on fire on 100%. I know that that I was just like this kid's [ __ ] wild. But then uh
01:04:11
but then we were sitting in the lob. Remember there was like that lobby next to the service bar with the booths?
01:04:16
Yeah. It was like basically their green room and uh and Bobby just was like light and sigs.
01:04:24
Light and sigs. There's no doors. It's wafting out to the customers. Jamie runs over. He's like, "Bobby, yo, what the
01:04:31
[ __ ] are you doing?" screaming at him. Tomy's like, "Jamie, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Yeah,
01:04:36
I learned that from Dice. Yeah. Then he go then you go, he he he lit a cigarette at the gate at
01:04:42
LAX. At the gate. That's insane. And he's I can do. And I go, "You can." He go, "I can do whatever I want." And then somebody goes, "Can you put that on?" He just stomps it. And I learned that behavior. It's not
01:04:52
me. I learned that behavior. Okay. It's learned. That's learned. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
01:04:57
It's not him. every But then he would go away mad and you'd be like, "Watch, this is gonna be so funny." And you would do
01:05:04
it again and you would run over and scare you. You'd be like, "Jamie, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." Put it out.
01:05:09
Yes. You'd walk away. You'd be like, "This is so You were cackling." Cackling like a little maniac. I remember I was looking at you like,
01:05:15
"What's What is What are you doing?" Yeah. Well, you know what I was doing? Well, I do. But I was But do you know why? Cuz that week he
01:05:22
made me go on the street and pass out tickets. Oh, you were barking. I was barking. Oh, that sucks. I was already on Matt
01:05:28
TV, right? And he goes, "Buddy, no one's coming. Get out there." Right? And so this is like my first year
01:05:34
or two of Matt TV. And he gives me a stack full of tickets. And now during the day, I have to just pass out tickets
01:05:40
to tourists. What a [ __ ] nightmare to headline. That sucks. And then no one showed up anyway, so I'm
01:05:45
going to smoke. So you're going to smoke? Yeah, I'm going to smoke in the club. The moral is you're going to smoke. Yeah. And that club's no longer there, right?
01:05:51
No factory there. Yeah. It used to be a strip club. Yeah. Yeah. Then it became then it became the
01:05:57
laugh factory. Then it became a haunted house. Yeah. You said you said it was a laugh
01:06:02
factory. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But have you been upstairs? Do you have you seen his collection by the way?
01:06:07
What are you talking about? Do you not? You've been up there to Jaime's you know he collects clowns. Yeah. You've never seen this?
01:06:13
No. Oh, the Hollywood one will [ __ ] you up. Upstairs is filled with clowns. In like his office, you mean? Or
01:06:19
No, no, no. Did you know this? Or in the green room area? There's a corporate office. There is a a there is a green room within a green
01:06:26
room. Do you know that? Yeah. Yeah. And so I found it out maybe 4 months ago. I've been going there for 30 years.
01:06:32
Okay. One day I was there. I was like, "So where's Arseno Hall and um George Lopez?" And he's like, "Buddy, they're
01:06:39
in the green room within the green room." I go, "Come on. I've never known about that." He goes, "Okay, you can
01:06:45
come in." And I went in and there's a whole different section where there's clowns and A whole wall of I'm not kidding you. A framed whole wall of Ralphie May's
01:06:58
t-shirt. It's just J big t-shirt. [ __ ] Yeah. One shirt. One shirt. Holy [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah. Wait. But where is it though? It's okay.
01:07:09
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I just got invited. Let me ask you this. Is there like a
01:07:14
secret door? It kind of is. Yeah. It's hidden. It's hidden. That's [ __ ] up. It's [ __ ] up. Yeah. Normally what you
01:07:21
just hang out upstairs in that like kind of like loun area the landing, right? But it's No, there's a secret room.
01:07:26
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'll get in one day. Joe is one of my my best friends. He's one of my like sweetest comedy mates. I
01:07:34
love him. He's one of the funniest people I know. And uh he has a special out right now. I never promised you a
01:07:40
rose garden. It's fantastic. Please go watch it. Uh Bobby loved it. Bobby watched it this week. Oh, really?
01:07:46
I have a Blu-ray. He's got it on Blu-ray. Do you really watch it or No, I've never seen any special. All right. Yeah. He's never seen anyone special ever. He's never seen anybody else go up. I've never seen this podcast. I've never
01:07:57
seen anything. Yeah. I don't watch anybody. I don't read comment. I don't just do nothing. I just do it and I go home. Yeah. That's what I do.
01:08:02
That's true. Yeah. Um, thank you for that. I'm very proud. So good. I already know it's good.
01:08:09
Yeah. That's a great way to deflect. That is funny. Oh, really? Face. How about this, Joe?
01:08:14
No, it's good. I'm giving you How about this, Joe? Right. Go ahead. You texted me, right?
01:08:19
Yep. Guess who texted me right back. Who? Right. And guess what you asked for? What?
01:08:25
Oh, would you would you post my special? Would you mind? And what did I do immediately? You posted it. Exactly. So, what's the ungratitude
01:08:31
about? It's not on gratitude. What's the hostility about? I I was literally complimenting you.
01:08:38
That that I don't need to see it. I know you're great. Is an awesome deflection that I'm going to use
01:08:43
to get out of so many things. I mean, you might as well. I'm dead serious. Yeah.
01:08:49
Do you know how many [ __ ] people we know that have a goddamn TV show by special by this, by that? And you got to
01:08:54
I always go, "Uh, yeah, dude. Nice." Yeah. Meaning I watched four minutes of it,
01:09:01
right? Just in case they ask me anything. It's already good. I know it. That's why I don't even go to my friends who are director of screenings. I don't
01:09:08
watch it. Yeah, but that gives you anxiety. You hate I'm just in the I just go in and out. It's always not good. I don't watch
01:09:16
that stuff makes me nervous. Like watching a thing cuz you have to lie. It's a masterpiece.
01:09:22
Wow. What did you make? Yeah. Yeah. I don't watch it. I don't watch anything. I'm in No, that's disgusting.
01:09:27
That was This was torture cuz I directed it. So, I had to sit there. I had to sit there
01:09:33
going through the I was proud. I was proud to have done it, but it was That's tough. Yeah.
01:09:38
I hate it. So much easier to be like, can you guys just show me a cut? Yeah. Just do it for me. It's good.
01:09:43
Who said that? Who's told us that? Schwarzen. Yeah, I don't know. Someone was like, I never have seen any of the I tape it and then they put it
01:09:49
together. Do you have fun here or no? In LA or on the pod? This pod. I had a great time. I was actually kind
01:09:55
of sad when it was done. I know. I was having a nice time. I'm dead serious. We don't do Rogan hours. We do Bad
01:10:02
Friends Hours. Yeah, I had a great time. Yeah, we we really should try to do a Rogan marathon type of show once. Just you and
01:10:09
I. Well, we should start at like 10 p.m. and see how late into the morning we can go. Oh, that'd be fun. Wouldn't that be just fun? We have
01:10:15
guests coming in. Yeah, people can pop by if they want. Yeah, you should. A marathon. You should Sometimes guys will do
01:10:20
24-hour That's [ __ ] No way. Keith and the Girl would do that once a year for I think a charity thing.
01:10:26
Yeah, I'll do it for a charity thing. But it was so fun, dude. I would literally Let's do it. I would literally hit them up at 3:00
01:10:33
a.m. and I'd be like, "Hey guys, just got back from the bar. Like, can I hop on?" They're like, "Come on, dude."
01:10:38
Yeah. And I would go on through Zoom and just sit there with them smoking sigs till 6 in the morning. It was so fun.
01:10:44
No. Okay. There's no way because it's hard enough because we talk so much. That's fine. No, just let me let's [ __ ] let me talk, you know? We talk a lot.
01:10:57
We talk a lot. You know what I mean? And sometimes it's like enough talking. Yeah. Get to living.
01:11:03
Yeah. Yeah. I get it. I get it. I get it. All right. Sign out, Joe. Look in the Look there. Thank you guys for having
01:11:09
me. That's not it. Oh, sorry. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
01:11:20
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