00:00:00
you two are bad friends who are these two idiots why dude i'm an asian dude
00:00:06
you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends
00:00:12
can i let me ask you something how does only fans work because i i know what it is well i'll show how it works what
00:00:18
happens is you can put almost anything on there it doesn't have to be nudity anymore it can be you can be you can do anything there's
00:00:24
people on there that are making like tens of thousands of dollars a month and all they're doing is showing feet
00:00:29
wow we don't even have to show nudity no no butthole no nothing and we can still make a bunch of money can i show the
00:00:34
cracks on my feet because i have fungi on it yes i think that's a subcategory maybe growth like a girl i can do a growth thing every day yes yeah i mean
00:00:42
yes update do you think people like that do you think people would like our only fans yeah see we see selling feed picks
00:00:48
making 200 a day would make way more than that so in terms of women what do women show on only fans some of them
00:00:54
show um just sexy lingerie some of them show them changing into like um
00:00:59
stuff that they bought like sexy stuff some of them are showing their chocha and they're and they're in there
00:01:07
some of them show their channel is is it porn is there sex i don't know is it is there yes yes there's four so there's
00:01:13
so i can go on only fans and let's suppose like you know mrs bryngardner mrs baumgardner bomb garner yes bomb
00:01:20
gardener down the street has it only fans yeah and you know she makes love to ted bomb goner right and they make love
00:01:27
i can pay for that and watch them make love yeah at a premium level you can watch you can watch these people either some people
00:01:33
not everybody has sexy stuff on there some people just do regular there's like now they wanted to get into gaming they want comics on there only fans wants can
00:01:40
you set the prices so let's this yeah hypothetically if you and i want to do only fans right
00:01:46
mm-hmm and we wanted to really do anal intercourse okay
00:01:52
if we wanted to do i would never do this by the way when you say weed you mean if you wanted to do it you and i did it yeah if we did it
00:01:58
together but only you wanted to do it and i was just doing it to support you because i'm your good friend that would probably be the case that's definitely
00:02:04
the case i'd have to convince you to do it but once they convinced you to do it would you do it yeah but
00:02:10
what would we set the price at eight million
00:02:16
eight or ten bucks maybe like something yeah but what i'm saying is that and then once we did it
00:02:22
why can't can somebody screenshot or download the video and then put it on youtube so i think they're working on
00:02:28
security measures to make it so you can't steal that stuff but i think as of right now it's very stealable i think people do steal stuff and put it up on
00:02:34
the internet but they're working on privacy now look their whole thing was they were going to get rid of porn do
00:02:40
you not remember this they were they were they were going to say they put out there was a thing where they were like we're going to stop doing porn people
00:02:45
freaked out because so much of their revenue is from porn yeah so they're like sorry sorry we didn't mean it we didn't mean it it'd be like playboy
00:02:51
being like we're not going to show boobs anymore people like that's not real that's all you are yeah but now people
00:02:57
are making a really good living and some of them aren't even showing much so you we don't like you don't have to show
00:03:03
your kotano and your chuchichu yeah you don't have to show your chuchichu if you don't want to but you make more money if
00:03:09
you sure right let me ask you something about this is i always thought that when you know because penthouse and hustler yeah
00:03:17
yeah they do right well no yeah and some of them show open chachitos i love open yeah a little bit
00:03:23
when it's closed it's fine right but you know it's like going to a 7-eleven if it's closed like what i know you drove by it's like i know slurpees are in
00:03:29
there i want some i want something all right so yeah they're still fine fine but i
00:03:35
would rather have it open i want it open right so the chichito right you would think that one once those
00:03:40
magazines came out it would have closed down playboy yeah because playboy doesn't show open jiu-jitsu actually
00:03:46
playboy only shows the exterior of the chuchito this is a vagina that's right yeah
00:03:52
that's right that's right that's right yeah but playboy only shows like the cusp it only shows the ridge the ridge
00:03:58
of the chichito yeah and if any if any if there's any it's like showing the floor design of a 7-eleven that's right
00:04:03
pretty much that's right you're seeing yeah you're seeing the exterior from exterior you get to look at the interior from the exterior but you don't really
00:04:08
see inside inside what are they selling in there and if there's any products hanging out of the chichito right like
00:04:14
anything falling out of the door a little bit right like what they tuck it in they tuck it back in they tuck it right back in like you mean an indian
00:04:20
man that works if it's falling out they yeah they suck
00:04:25
it back in yeah so because they want to clean ridge but hustler and penthouse were like
00:04:30
open chuchito all the way out the way you did the sound effects right not a lot of who comes out on that poo does
00:04:36
come out okay if you're cramming and jamming and stuff and sometimes
00:04:41
it falls out yeah look at that blac chyna earns 20 million a month a month a month a month on [ __ ] only bellathorn
00:04:48
11 million a month cardi b nine million a month tiger whoa tiger tiger show tyga
00:04:53
is showing his he's uh he's showing his pequito yeah his paquito is live on there i've heard that you can see
00:04:59
tiger's paquito yeah and mia khalifa six million six million a year not a
00:05:05
month a year a month no dude monthly earnings month yeah i know buddy
00:05:10
we're in the wrong game dude 100 that's [ __ ] okay we got to show our open chatroom
00:05:17
yes i do yeah yeah what is a butthole a chicano chicano yeah
00:05:25
and you're filming it yeah why me who else is going to do it these guys are busy working yeah i don't want
00:05:32
to see you guys [ __ ] let me tell you something listen listen you don't have to look right look
00:05:38
at the monitor right just see if the camera is in the right position and then look away how hard
00:05:44
would it be not to laugh for her though the whole time the moment the moment she sees
00:05:50
the moment she sees you you'll laugh so are there either of our buttholes right and then the pain
00:05:57
the initial entrance of the pain in my face you would laugh so hard so funny
00:06:02
and then we would be laughing because like dude it's too you're going in too rough when you know me yeah yeah yeah
00:06:08
i mean no way put spit in it yeah yeah no dry is a bone that's like
00:06:13
you took that that link i sent you the video that woman from youtube yeah i posted
00:06:18
this the other day not that one the other one the other one we'll get to that one the this one bro
00:06:23
this somehow went viral on the internet yeah again uh this woman there's a show called uh
00:06:29
what's it called a celebrity super spa and these women think they're going in to wax a woman yeah but you don't get to
00:06:36
see it but this is her reaction when she sees a man's butthole a man's bottle for the first time okay this would be rudy
00:06:42
if she walked in on you and me okay here we go the other side of this door i'm expecting to see a big burly man or a
00:06:48
handsome young man who cares as long as he's a man yes
00:06:53
are they english
00:07:00
hello hi guys
00:07:06
come in dude stop stop push possibly i think she was expecting to see a man and she got a
00:07:12
woman that fires a woman's butthole she's fired no but keep going this is the best part she she she's got the giggles remember in school when you
00:07:18
couldn't stop laughing
00:07:25
i love when you tried to hold it together if i was the man laquisha get in here here you go she tries
00:07:32
[Laughter] give her a second hold it together you got this
00:07:37
you've got this come on
00:07:45
[Laughter]
00:07:50
no they can't show it this but this was years ago i don't even know what it was it was on this this reality show obviously yeah from there but that would
00:07:57
be you and you know what the next one i sent you that this would be the next version of this a tick tock girl got her
00:08:03
vibrator stuck in her butt look at that look at the x-ray oh wow that's you by the way dude how much stuff i would stick in your butt what do you mean i
00:08:09
would not let it i would put it so far up it couldn't come back i'm going to say something right now uh-huh it's not a [ __ ] warehouse yes down yes it is
00:08:17
that's an amazon word my butthole doc is in there is so tight yes dude
00:08:22
my poop looks like angel hair pasta yeah it's so [ __ ]
00:08:28
tight you said it was loose yeah it's loose okay it's okay angel hair pasta all right listen
00:08:35
mine's ravioli yay it's listen all butthole in the
00:08:41
entrance is very very tight yeah okay when you get deep it becomes there's more space it widens out it why it's
00:08:48
like a face it's like a little base right so but initially to get it into the doorway you're not going to be able
00:08:54
to get a bunch of stuff in the doorway unless you open the doorway that's right
00:08:59
right if you do some carpentry work right right and then there's blood a little
00:09:05
massaging yeah this oh you think massaging is the only thing i'm going to massage it right open so it starts like this and then
00:09:11
no i feel like there's scissors oh i've got it yeah i click clip and i'm like dude that hurts yeah
00:09:16
well it's like joker's mouth [Laughter]
00:09:21
why so why yeah this girl got a vibrator stuck in her tush what a bummer what a bummer i
00:09:28
tell a joke about this on stage yeah when we were in uh austin like uh someone approached bobby with a x-ray
00:09:36
that looked exactly like this someone really wait really yeah i don't remember this but what was the x-ray of again of a
00:09:42
flashlight oh a guy had a flashlight up his ass oh that's why he gave me the x-ray what was someone looking for up there
00:09:47
so why show me well i'm not a doctor but did you think it was cool to see it was a cool thing to see yes obviously but why show me you
00:09:54
don't have to be in the middle of you appreciate it you asked when you i mean she was a girl like working at the er
00:09:59
and bobby asked oh have you seen any weird stuff so then you asked i did ask yeah
00:10:06
i did ask that's an easy fix jules never put anything in your butthole i won't
00:10:11
i know never now you have a piece not even penises your face looks like
00:10:17
i don't want that it's scary but you already have huh no no that's the face of somebody
00:10:22
no don't ever put anything in your head because once you do it once yeah you want to do it again
00:10:28
it never stops yeah you tried please come on you see this thing i'm a fiji
00:10:35
man buddy this goes right up this goes right up there yeah honestly i don't think anything's been
00:10:41
up there no chance no i can't i'm so scared i'm so scared of putting anything on my side of my for a joke i put candy bars you put a candy bar in your butt
00:10:48
well rsh if you're putting twix in my butthole the left one or the right one what do you mean
00:10:54
you know what i mean that's very funny did you put two twix no just one the left one
00:11:01
is twix twixes i got unfollows what do you mean you got unfollowed the only friend's phone wait why why would people unfollow
00:11:07
because of that because i have some fans that follow me because i'm on certain things that they like me on but then
00:11:12
it's like they have christian you know i mean foundations you don't i think there's a very follow followable photo
00:11:18
no i always whenever i put something provocative on i lose about a thousand fans really yeah
00:11:24
what's wrong with that not a thousand like maybe two or two people start unfollowing do you have you
00:11:29
actually have a lot of christian fans i have some yeah like church going well koreans aren't really
00:11:35
i didn't know this until i did that show beef with them that that so many koreans are like bombarded by the church oh yeah
00:11:40
yeah i didn't know it's the number one religion in korea christianity can you sing any christian song do you remember any songs from when you were a kid yeah
00:11:46
well which one is that uh jesus love me yes i know
00:11:52
for the bible tell
00:12:09
i know but you you sped it up no i did it you made it racist how do your song
00:12:14
do your song jesus love me yes i know
00:12:21
for the bible
00:12:31
[Laughter]
00:12:41
yeah yeah no the amount of koreans in church it was wild we did a scene in a church yeah and all of these guys we're
00:12:46
talking about the moonies you know about the moonies right i don't you know about the moonies i swear to god i don't know what that is look at
00:12:52
the [ __ ] guy sit down oh speaking of church going weirdos [ __ ] weird let's go
00:13:00
ladies and gentlemen yeah put on the headphones ladies and gentlemen i'd like to present to you our our guest of uh
00:13:06
guest segment right now yeah he looks like if oscar isaac was super sick
00:13:13
i'll take it yeah yeah i'll take it what happened yeah ladies and gentlemen
00:13:19
we'd like to introduce our guest segment uh that we're bringing in some of our friends sometimes he's
00:13:25
only gonna stay for as long as we can put up with him yeah he is one of the funniest most talented dudes
00:13:31
i've ever met in my life he's my oldest friend
00:13:47
yeah yeah yeah in what way early on bobby would take me on the road he was like the first guy to take me on
00:13:52
the road what did he pay you that's not important no see that is very important why is that important because my friendship and my love has been more
00:13:58
more than the money that you've given him it's not about money it's about it's about helping did you get any opportunities did you get any
00:14:04
opportunities from him taking you on the road yeah i got to like headline some clubs after i featured for him occasionally thank you what see rooms
00:14:11
for like 80 bucks hey see you're being negative and mean all right let's let's reel it back let's reel it back that's
00:14:17
really nice that you that he helped you out a lot yeah but i'm also an older friend that is true i've known him yeah let me ask you this ladies and gentlemen
00:14:23
for he-man thank you thank you for having me by the way um has a special coming out
00:14:30
uh he's putting out a special it comes out may 27th may 27th on
00:14:36
my youtube channel putting it out it's very hard to get that's one of the hottest specials are coming out nowadays it's coming so it's
00:14:42
already been out so it's already out right now on youtube it's blowing up right we already know it is [ __ ] huge it's 48 million views the first hour
00:14:49
yeah i heard it's more than uh gangnam style which was surprising to me for a special like normally yeah you
00:14:55
know what k-pop is doing k-pop numbers you know why he said gangnam style that was racist that was very racist no
00:15:00
i don't even see him yeah stop right how dare you come into my [ __ ] house and say gangnam style get
00:15:06
him dude right it's like if you came in here i said here's some sand but you do that all the time you do it
00:15:13
i say do i really i say thank you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah at your wedding can we throw sand instead of rice that's what we do that's
00:15:20
like you're making fun but that's a tradition it's funny that you're racist towards him and because you think he's
00:15:25
from the middle east he's [ __ ] italian yeah italian dude this kid's from northern italy he's from afghanistan no he's not
00:15:32
first of all he's from seattle he's from seattle but the origins of him his dad is italian
00:15:38
his dad was a chef tell him about your boyardee boyardee yeah
00:15:45
did you know rudy have you guys met i only know of rudy hello hi big fan
00:15:51
she was at the comedy store big fan two yeah yeah because my thing on is doing game style numbers right
00:15:58
have you seen his special on netflix i mean on how are you sorry i'm wearing you special
00:16:03
nobody's cecil didn't even see the special yeah yeah yeah has put out a special it's out right now
00:16:10
for the fans be honest bobby one of the funniest comics you know i'm dead serious here's what i want to say
00:16:16
about fakie manual um number one he's um probably the best joke rider out there
00:16:22
um he's always doing new [ __ ] clever [ __ ] um i don't like following him because it's like i just feel like my shit's so
00:16:29
old compared to his it's so relevant and so edgy too and just crisp i think
00:16:35
you're the nicest guy too very talented good actor good writer you're all around a super super talented guy i couldn't
00:16:41
even look at your eyes when i give you the comments you were fox news's number one brown comedian this year tucker carlson named
00:16:47
me start a watch which i thought was like are you being real no why why would i want a vote of confidence oh are you
00:16:52
on this show what do you mean what are you talking of course is that real you think tucker carlson likes this guy like it's variety top ten like these
00:16:59
are my comics to watch let me tell you the comics you need to see here's a brown piece of [ __ ] that i've had a
00:17:05
little bit before anyone's as good as well he wouldn't be nice about it there's no way yeah no uh
00:17:11
if uh faheem special is called pro-life uh because it's relevant to what's going on
00:17:16
because it's but he was pretty adamant about that he
00:17:22
was like this or bust yeah yeah i need this heat and for him for people that want to know how because here's the
00:17:28
thing about americans they'll look at this guy and they go all right do i really want to listen to this brownie
00:17:35
right and i'll say this yeah i know no and i mean nobody in our
00:17:40
friendship circle that is more of an american gun toten root and tootin freedom fighter
00:17:46
x veteran than this guy yeah well definitely some of those things yes yeah yeah i'm not a next veteran i got to
00:17:52
squash that right off the bat yeah i don't want to do stolen valor let me say something because the things
00:17:58
that we were talking about earlier you would feel very uncomfortable with so i think we should revisit those
00:18:03
things the only fancy yes what would you think about me and bobby starting and only fans it'd be a great move
00:18:10
yeah yeah i told you but like would you be cameraman no i have too many things going on like i don't need to do that
00:18:16
you're busy yeah the amount of money we're gonna charge we're charging eight million dollars because we're gonna buff [ __ ]
00:18:22
well well well well i'm gonna [ __ ] him yeah what if he switch he's never gonna he's never gonna perfect yeah yeah
00:18:29
yeah he's a i'm a fan and we said we'll give you a million dollars every time we'll check this out that's kind of what it's gonna look like what it's gonna
00:18:34
look like so i'll give you when are these taken and where were they thinking about 20 minutes 20 minutes
00:18:44
honestly your ball sack looks like a [ __ ] from the back rudy's nodding doesn't it look like a [ __ ] from the back it's like a fat
00:18:51
[ __ ]
00:18:58
bro that looks like a fat [ __ ] puss you got a fat chocito back there baby
00:19:05
dude swear to god that does it looks kind of hot i'm not gonna lie your balls my ass
00:19:16
and you have to be in a wheelchair when you're at the gate have you seen it like when women get the procedure done like all of them have to be in a wheelchair
00:19:23
yeah by the way this is going to come back to haunt us for sure yeah yeah we just threw this on the internet like morons yeah like that
00:19:30
there's no way that's not going to [ __ ] ruin our career at some point so you wouldn't be cameraman if we give you
00:19:35
a million dollars every time to shoot us yeah a million bucks yeah i don't need it i don't need the money that bad wow
00:19:41
the special is doing very well here's the thing about him what i love about yeah he has principles he does yeah so
00:19:47
back when he was young i've brought this book i got to bring in the background right back when i was on mad tv right
00:19:53
he this kid was working at boeing yeah right and all he wanted to do was comedy
00:19:58
and television so i walked up to when i go listen i have a sketch on matt tv that nate dave navarro's on
00:20:05
and i just need you to be in the sketchy guys what is it i told him whatever now yeah he has principles that's always
00:20:11
been fahim's move yeah i like that about him i just like doing things that i like you know right
00:20:17
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00:20:23
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00:20:47
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00:20:53
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00:20:59
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00:22:59
corporate gig literally and yeah oh yeah i was in colorado today denver but let's do no no keystone so you did a corporate
00:23:06
gig right before this one because i know you oh my god yeah and you talked about before we talk talks in in san diego no
00:23:12
it's in calabasas in california it's probably the worst gig i've ever done and he bombed so badly
00:23:17
no i indicted silence everyone didn't do great but i think i took the cake that show why
00:23:24
you bombed oh yeah because it was a corporate and sometimes corporates it's not set up like a comedy club they like
00:23:29
try to re they see you at a comedy club yeah and they're like oh look i want to do this for my corporate retreat and
00:23:35
they try to build a comedy club in a hotel ballroom and it's [ __ ] weird and it's sad yes because there's like
00:23:41
all these tables and then the room is way too cavernous you know there's way too much space yeah
00:23:46
and it's just weird you're in a [ __ ] marriott it's yeah it feels so weird and also they'll be like we're chill like
00:23:52
anything goes just just let it rip but you made a point that if any place has an hr
00:23:58
department that that's it's not going to go well of course not yes i just did chris spencer's wife's
00:24:04
show for her teachers at a school and backstage i'm like should i go on
00:24:10
who would hire you for that chris spencer just do your thing [ __ ] idiot i go yeah but i say so many crazy things he's
00:24:16
like they're into it no they're not yes and and moz want to perform you know how likable and pc is right yeah i walked up
00:24:24
there and the first thing that came out it was silence it was
00:24:29
get down yeah and then all of a sudden i could feel this one sweat dripping down my face you know right oh
00:24:35
i've been there and i i know i knew i was in for the worst 15 minutes oh bob it was terrible i went too dark too soon
00:24:42
because i believe the guy when they're like we're cool with whatever it's just like let it rip you know don't pretend you're doing a corporate just do a
00:24:48
regular handicap on nike joke no i did some other one but like they tensed up so much because if they say do
00:24:55
whatever and they have a hr department like if you're around these people eight hours monday through friday and you're not allowed to say certain things you're
00:25:02
not gonna be able to turn that part of your brain off right and be like oh now i can do that yeah and the people that do that get fired immediately at a
00:25:08
christmas party because they honk you know karen's tits and then someone's like you honk mark you know what you did last night he's like it's a christmas
00:25:14
part and he's fired on monday yeah yeah those things are a [ __ ] nightmare i did one one time and i ate such a
00:25:20
[ __ ] pile of dicks for 30 minutes at the pacific design center i almost didn't even want the money and you're
00:25:25
making like six hundred dollars a show at these colleges that your agents and
00:25:31
your managers take thirty percent it's a [ __ ] nightmare yeah you think you take a bus to [ __ ] college town to
00:25:37
college it was the [ __ ] worst and i did that for [ __ ] years so look at you now baby god you beat the system
00:25:43
didn't you no i i but isn't there i don't know this is not cocky but
00:25:49
isn't there a part of you that's like you know some of the success i feel like i earned it no you definitely earned it
00:25:54
you feel that well yeah you you [ __ ] do you feel it yeah there's a lot of work yeah so there's so much work it's
00:26:00
mostly work that no one sees that's the problem it's no one sees that you know well it's all the grinding night in a
00:26:06
night out all the clubs you know nobody knows that so many people in this town want to go to parties the birthday parties and go to some house party and
00:26:11
[ __ ] and try to like get ahead that way nobody just wants to go to the shitty uh bar show and work on their craft for
00:26:18
several years until they get very good but this town does reward people
00:26:25
i mean i've never met someone who's fallen face-first into such a great situation and she's not even grateful she doesn't give a [ __ ]
00:26:31
this is the problem with the generation you have to work for it she doesn't she has more followers on instagram than
00:26:36
most of our friends how many followers do you have on instagram uh less than rudy probably yeah how much do you have
00:26:41
seventy three yeah she's a hundred thousand hundred thousand and she's done literally
00:26:47
twenty years he's been doing it right you've done nothing and he's a craft and he's extremely good at it so good but i
00:26:53
can't do this oh yeah yeah yeah you can't do nothing she is the lamb
00:27:00
she is the lounge expert actually you know what that is true fajim can't do nothing yeah that would drive you nuts
00:27:06
yeah you know when some people like there's people that work jobs just so they can retire that's the opposite of you would you
00:27:11
that's you know once they say some people they retire and it's their that's their dream some people retire and they die because they just don't know yeah
00:27:16
i'm i'm if i retire i'll probably die you you're the same way you love work
00:27:22
i just need to be doing it yeah you need to do something yeah i can't imagine if they were like uh you have throat cancer
00:27:29
mr lee you have throat cancer god i hope not holy [ __ ] right and you can't talk ever again oh and then what would you do
00:27:35
just program your joke oh yeah be one hey how's everyone doing
00:27:40
any birthday anybody celebrating they just got talent right who couldn't talk but he was a stand-up yeah but all his
00:27:47
jokes were in the thing did they crush they did my my point is that your dad
00:27:52
could have [ __ ] programmed no no that's what you think he's writing it because does his facial expressions match up to the thing no it's like look
00:27:59
at the size of the tits on this [ __ ] in the front row but he's not moving his lips oh look at the size of this no
00:28:05
there's no talking it's all in the computer i was trying to do that
00:28:10
but you're moving your [ __ ] lips well i'm not a [ __ ] ventriloquist bob oh is that what you're doing yes oh my
00:28:16
god god what are you doing he's showing the video of it that's it lost voice guy that guy that guy
00:28:23
let's see this guy hello my name is lee and for obvious
00:28:28
reasons i'm also known as the lost voice guy see his arms his arms
00:28:34
how long have you lost your voice i just knew you were going to ask something that i hadn't thought about
00:28:41
beforehand he goes far
00:28:47
oh that's the thing with these shows if you have some calamity or some hardship we talk about that you're gonna go the
00:28:53
furthest here's how you win on america's got talent get hit by something a bust a car
00:28:59
a sad story yeah or a kid or some sort of disability somebody if
00:29:04
you have all three you won the whole thing you don't have to do anything cancer yes that's a huge one somebody has to
00:29:10
have cancer either you or someone you love right right you have a disability yeah
00:29:15
and you came from a tough place yeah bum-bum-bum but if i'll win you know
00:29:20
what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go to a rooftop right douse myself right in what you
00:29:28
know with with um gasoline oh good yeah i think that's implied with dallas like nobody else's
00:29:33
in water well i get on a rooftop by putting on sunscreen two different guys i'm gonna light myself on fire then jump
00:29:38
off break every bone in my body i'm going to have a couple of guys put water on me right right and i'm going to show up
00:29:45
right on america's got talent and i'm going to go back
00:29:50
and i'm going to get the golden buzzer i'm going to win the whole thing really you think that's going to work can you imagine that they wheeling a guy
00:29:56
immediately after you yeah who's like oh look he's an asian guy who also set on fire and fell off a roof yeah but he's
00:30:02
gay and then he wins just right yeah beat you by
00:30:09
they see the minorities like how deformed they are they're like oh that's gonna be tough to be
00:30:14
like i just have no arms this guy's burned and he has no legs yeah that guy's on fire right now
00:30:21
but then what i would do is i would add a lie and go but i'm eight eight yeah eight years old then they're
00:30:26
like oh he's a kid when something's wrong with him that's a thing right yeah yeah kids if you're a kid and you're okay you're
00:30:32
gonna go far yeah but if you're a kid and disabled oh my god forget about it give him the golden [ __ ] buzz i hate
00:30:39
the story too it's like you know like you get this in like uh american idol well they'll go
00:30:45
yeah so yeah anyway my best friend my uncle died two years ago and then i'll just go oh
00:30:51
and i'm i'm always like sing [Laughter]
00:30:59
i don't like that they try to find the story too angry two years is so long
00:31:04
two years it's like they try to come up with a story well they're digging they're probably backstage what story am i gonna
00:31:10
tell what bad thing did anybody get hurt in your family do you know anybody that has any tragedy they need to pull something they need to pull someone what
00:31:15
would be your your trick card my trick hard what to go far yeah like what would you have to use something look you're in
00:31:20
your own life what would be your story like my village got bombed like i'm not even from ireland
00:31:26
in seattle so we're judges right this is this is called um los angeles got something
00:31:32
ellie got something yeah ellie got something right and we're both dressed as my name is simon ciao and you're
00:31:38
simon no if you're simon chow yeah i have to be you know
00:31:44
heidi wong heidi wong joe and hi we're both ages you have accents you
00:31:49
better believe it hey welcome to america la got something
00:31:56
[Laughter] right there welcome to ellie i got something this is i am simon chao
00:32:02
i'm heidi wong yeah anyway tell your story what your story first of all what's your talent i am i
00:32:09
like to sing oh
00:32:19
so tell me about yourself i i'm from um afghanistan oh
00:32:25
bad bad base that [Music]
00:32:40
but i seem to pass time yeah oh okay that's throwing us still now
00:32:45
you're doing no but then a missile hit me one day
00:32:51
my brother i about to hit my brother and i try to deflect but he blow up and
00:32:56
he's not here anymore nick cannon is like oh mitchell hit this [ __ ]
00:33:03
losing his mind interesting so you know but i remember last year we had another guy from afghanistan his missile hit him
00:33:12
my brother stepped on the ied other brother oh so you have to throw two
00:33:17
brothers in the other one so no no brother anymore seem pretty sad
00:33:23
yeah yeah that's so sad that's so sad though no not then um
00:33:29
then [Laughter] machete fly oh
00:33:35
the flying machine
00:33:51
it's like my mother in her your brother no mommy anymore
00:33:56
well that will happen if there was a machete around it yeah okay for us now
00:34:03
i'm very nervous [Laughter]
00:34:20
that would be your freedom that would be your freedom yeah and you and you would go far far far so far i'd be i have a residency in vegas yeah yeah yeah and
00:34:27
they'd have like photoshop pictures of my mother machete like this is dedicated
00:34:33
[Music]
00:34:40
like everybody watch where you walk thank you good night yeah but then what will i but then people would do research
00:34:47
yeah they'd find and they would go like no his mom's lives in glendale yeah but by that time he's got the money
00:34:53
no i would have a pr team who would know how to spend that squash don't worry about it what you could do
00:34:59
is go to your mom and go they i think they're finding out so we're going to have to we're going to have to get your
00:35:04
hat but we'll cut you in half in a way right where you're still going to be alive but
00:35:10
your legs are going to be missing yeah so then when they come over and you go look right and she's going to be like
00:35:17
machete right flying machete mom yeah but at the end of the day you will already have banked
00:35:23
all that vegas cream that who gives a [ __ ] yeah who gives a [ __ ] would you ever do a residency in vegas no i wouldn't well yeah not really because i
00:35:29
like doing new stuff and you know like i want to work on new stuff and when you're doing a residency you're just banging off the hits your whole life
00:35:35
yeah but i mean look at some point if you reach that point in your career when you just don't feel
00:35:41
like writing and touring a lot i could see being in the latter half being like i'll do a couple years in vegas i always say
00:35:48
vegas is where you can see stars from yesteryear while sitting down right yeah yeah yeah
00:35:53
like i saw boys to men when i was there and i love boys to men i grew up with them but everyone was just sitting down with like a giant
00:35:59
big gulp i know we went to go see gwen stefani uh because we were going to vegas um little dicky played in vega
00:36:06
like played a new year show a couple years ago well it was like four years ago now and we were like oh you know we can go see
00:36:12
gwen stefani before he does his show at like midnight i was like she's right next door that's great i think she's amazing i was like i've never seen her
00:36:19
we go exact same thing no one's even wooing there wasn't even like a woo yeah it was
00:36:25
literally like it was like quiet theater people sat she would come out do the thing and then people would do this
00:36:31
it was so [ __ ] weird it i i was blown away that all these young girls weren't like
00:36:37
getting excited excited it was just uh it was like watching a movie i bought
00:36:42
tickets to a comedy show when i was dating christine absol [ __ ] lutely never in a million years
00:36:48
i know because i didn't know him at the time but she's mexican and she grew up with george lopez yeah right so i called
00:36:54
my agents and i go can you get me tickets they're like yeah so they got me second row right but i
00:37:00
still had to pay some where was this at at some amphitheater somewhere down i don't know where i was sure in downtown
00:37:05
where the state staple center whatever it is you took her to go see another comic is great but this is what i almost walked out because this is what happened
00:37:12
so we're sitting there and i think i brought up to george since then but we're just sitting there and i'm
00:37:18
like what is the show starting right and the lights turn off
00:37:23
and then there's like smoke like what the [ __ ] there may be some dancing tap dancing [ __ ] going on here
00:37:29
right and he comes out to his back turn from the ground
00:37:34
to the audience sick right and he stands there
00:37:40
for five minutes without turning around and that's how long the applause break was wow
00:37:46
and i was like i was leaving i was leaving i couldn't do it
00:37:51
i [ __ ] but i watched it he was very funny the show was good but i paid would you pay money for a comedy show no
00:37:57
no i mean i know that's too deep i would just like use all my connections to be like hey can i get in i would use agency
00:38:02
or hit you up say hey can you see if you're in love with a new girl let's just say you're in love with a new girl she is a massive comedy fan but a fan of
00:38:10
a comedian who's nothing like you and you have no connection to this person yaakov smirnoff she's russian
00:38:17
right because she's pro-ukraine she's she's pro-ukraine but she's russian and you can't get to yaakov you can't get to
00:38:22
yakov because he doesn't have agents he doesn't right and she goes so there's the yakov
00:38:28
here's the new girl you're in love with and she's like for him i i want to see him so bad i miss russia
00:38:35
why won't you take me why won't you take me to see yakov and you have to pay how much are tickets to
00:38:41
yakov nice three thousand dollars what the [ __ ]
00:38:47
what does vip entail though like what he gets to yell at us in russian for five minutes
00:38:52
and it's three thousand dollars we get yeah three thousand for vip and he will decide he will sign my kids
00:38:59
but i thought you like me no yeah i want you to [ __ ] my teeth i want him to sign my tits
00:39:04
i want you to [ __ ] where he signs on my tits but you still love me
00:39:09
yeah of course but you need to take me to say york of otherwise i will never give you blow chop again
00:39:15
okay um here's my visa would you do it
00:39:21
would you do it let's say yeah you have to yeah that's why i went to george that's why you went to georgia yeah
00:39:26
that's why i went that journey because you had to do it did you have to laugh the whole time too just like you know there's some parts where i'm like oh
00:39:31
that was good he's funny he's great you know what he got his face on the arsenal youtube rabbit hole because he was doing
00:39:37
the new arsenal stuff for netflix during that festival yeah and then i saw george an old george lopez like his
00:39:43
premiere on arsenio it was just crazy to watch a 30 year old george lopez i know so on arsenio just kill him
00:39:49
kill it and kill it on the couch afterwards too like yeah that's where those guys made their mark was killing on the couch do you
00:39:55
know who arsenio hall is at all no who his audience used to get up and go
00:40:03
nice man it was love it was the height it was nice it was the height of like cool masculinity you ever see coming to america television no oh okay
00:40:11
she doesn't do much it's what we've learned she's just here to make you guys feel so old no she
00:40:18
genuinely does but here's the other thing she's not even in tune with her generation that's the weirdest part she makes us
00:40:24
feel old because she's she's just can i argue again i want to i'm going to be a lawyer here okay okay
00:40:29
what i found about the younger generation because i was at wii spa last night and there was one guy out of eight
00:40:34
young 19 year old asian dudes they followed me in the jade sauna you get followed into all the rooms right so i'm
00:40:41
in the jade sauna and these nine dudes just sit around and i go to the jade sauna at the wii spa because no one ever goes in there so they just call sat
00:40:48
around me and one guy goes you're bobby lee right and i go
00:40:53
yeah yeah and the rest of it guys like why the [ __ ] are we doing in here man who the [ __ ] is this guy oh that's nice
00:40:58
of them yeah my point is is that everyone he watches podcasting but everyone has so many options yeah to
00:41:05
watch right that it's like she has so many options we didn't have that growing up when we grew up we had four channels
00:41:12
that we could watch yeah and there's six shows that we had you know i mean so that's why we know who
00:41:18
gary coleman is if you did one show everybody knew you yeah now you'd have to do about 10 shows and then a few
00:41:24
people might start to get to know who's like the tonight show would have changed one appearance would have changed your
00:41:30
life you would have gone from no money to a millionaire yeah by doing johnny carson real talk this is bigger for me
00:41:38
than doing like a late night you're my friends and [ __ ] this is bigger for me than doing stand-up on the late night show
00:41:44
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order by going to onit.com bad friends that is on it dot com slash bad friends
00:42:55
you're my friends this show is huge like the special's coming out like what better place to do it than here you know
00:43:00
well people need to what is the special call by the way it's called hat trick so i did i did all three rooms i watched the
00:43:05
comedy store you bring me up in the original room i do 15 minutes later this is my butthole for you oh [ __ ] man i
00:43:11
don't need you to do that but i appreciate it that's so unnecessary hold on will it be left twix
00:43:16
yeah i said twixes that's what we said that's what we said earlier yeah so i bounce around all the
00:43:21
rooms and then finishing the belly and it's yeah you did you did oh our main belly yeah but here's the best part that i think people need to know about this
00:43:27
restaurant because i'm being genuine he sent it to me i watched it and i called him on the car ride at home when i was driving back from see me [ __ ] valley
00:43:33
uh the most beautiful thing is it's hard to encapsulate what it's like to go live to the comedy store it's
00:43:39
almost it's almost impossible to encapture that on film because everything has to be like shot
00:43:44
and overshot and filmed and taken from different angles and his was done so
00:43:50
organically it felt like a night at the club because it was a [ __ ] night at the club uh i directed it right like so
00:43:57
there's only one camera going at the same time so you don't get shot to the audience or whatnot it's not a lot of reaction shots of the crowd but like you
00:44:03
know there's multiple angles and stuff yeah but so you see me from different angles you see back of heads it just
00:44:08
feels like i wanted the ultimate fly on the wall experience at the comedy store because every special there's like neons
00:44:14
and [ __ ] it doesn't even look like the place that we perform at every night right i just wanted to like not put
00:44:20
lipstick on the pig just [ __ ] show the place and you can't even eat pig which is kind of ironic about this whole
00:44:25
thing but oh come on that's good i gotta get
00:44:30
somewhere it's religion man all right no but it is it's incredible
00:44:36
but it looks like a [ __ ] night at our home amazing yeah you get a lot of backstage stuff like you yeah just
00:44:42
talking in the hallway outside the parking lot parking lot green room just like walking through the bar to get
00:44:48
upstairs um it's really cool really magical place let's rank the clubs in la
00:44:54
the three no why don't i want to do this you're trying to make enemies i don't want to make enemies i just want to tell you what what your number one place is well
00:45:00
the comedy is for everybody in this room that's our home
00:45:13
i did a jfl showcase there once and then they asked would i come back and i said yeah i just i never have gone
00:45:19
i have no beef with any of those other places i just don't go yeah it's almost like
00:45:24
i'm sure like there's restaurants that people are like you have you never eaten there and you're like i see it i just
00:45:29
never stop by i know it's there but i know what bobby's ranking is i'm gonna feel like a piece of [ __ ] by
00:45:35
saying this right now i'll do it because i want to talk about flappers go ahead okay so the woman that runs it
00:45:42
nice lady barbara i don't know so barbra when she's opening it right
00:45:47
um she calls me she goes i'm opening a comic club am i cool she goes i go what what weekends can i play she's like oh
00:45:54
no you're not a weekend guy you're a tuesday wednesday guy right and i go well who's your weekend guys
00:45:59
she goes names me a couple of comics that i know that doesn't even remotely draw the way i do yeah barf from a gopher yeah yeah and i i go
00:46:07
no and then i saw her at the improv maybe a month ago and she's there hanging out she's in
00:46:13
the green room i don't know upstairs and she basically goes how come you don't play my club and i i didn't know how to say because i'm a tuesday
00:46:20
wednesday guy oh my god i think he said did you say that there or do you just hold it in and turn it make it turn into
00:46:26
a cancer later so a guy like me goes you know i just i just don't do it but a guy like you yeah a guy like you yeah badly
00:46:33
wants to use it because you love vindictive [ __ ] you love payback it's one of your favorite things but i
00:46:39
didn't i go okay i know but i'm surprised because you want too bad but deep down there is a part of him that
00:46:44
goes yeah i'm busy on tuesday wednesday nights i go to my meeting that's a cool
00:46:50
way to do it yeah yeah but i didn't do that because i i'm trying to change my ways well i've told you i'm trying to be a better person
00:46:56
ladies and gentlemen we just want to say thank you to fahim thank you because he has a great special that's
00:47:02
out right now on youtube it is called did i sign a waiver by fee man no patrick it's called the
00:47:08
hat trick please watch the hat trick on youtube right now it would mean a lot to us yeah just uh youtube.com he manor
00:47:14
please tell the fans to [ __ ] watch the man female waiver i love you for him thank you so much for joining me
00:47:21
i'll talk to you we love you later him some love love you [ __ ] love
00:47:28
god bless you're the best i'll call you later well tonight you're sore tomorrow all right i'll see you there i'll call you later buddy now that fahim is gone
00:47:35
what do you think of him because now we can talk [ __ ] now because i know that that's your favorite thing to do yeah i don't talk [ __ ] but
00:47:42
see negative things we like negative so that we can work through it well we're being positive for for the next month we
00:47:48
said we'd be positive we want you to be the negative one on the show um his nose is very jewish
00:47:54
[Laughter]
00:48:00
so you don't think he's muslim you think he's a jerk yeah yeah i was gonna say that but then i thought it would be mean yeah oh you wanted to
00:48:06
see that in front of him yeah no you should have that would have been so funny so funny but you know now he he's
00:48:12
gonna hear and see this after the fact but that's okay you don't mean anything mean by it yeah right but that's your only impression you're just looking at
00:48:18
his nose the whole time yeah because some girls think he's sexy do you think he's sexy
00:48:23
um i don't know he's he's cute
00:48:29
yeah he's cute in what way like aladdin how aladdin was cute
00:48:34
he doesn't even look brown what does he look like white no see this is the problem because she hates whites
00:48:40
he's too light he's too light brown for her yeah right you want a darker brown yeah yeah she likes darker brown you
00:48:46
like darker brown he's a little too light-skinned muslim too light yeah yeah yeah yeah what do you think of the religion i love muslims
00:48:52
but what do you think of the religion are you setting her up i don't mind it it's
00:48:58
what do you know about it what do you know about it they don't eat pork what's their god called allah that's all
00:49:05
that's all i know praise allah what's the book called there it is you heard that almost
00:49:11
um i don't know karaoke
00:49:17
the book of karaoke yeah yeah yeah koran koran yeah
00:49:22
and what else are they as a woman what else do they believe for women women should walk women
00:49:28
should wear all those coverings because and they should walk behind the man
00:49:34
and speak when they're spoken to and serve the man and serve the man how do you feel about that i don't want i don't
00:49:40
like that i know i'm trying to be a muslim out here why don't you like it don't muslim men um they can marry a lot
00:49:48
of women first of all this doesn't apply to all branches of we're generalizing we know
00:49:54
almost nothing about it all i know is this this is all i [ __ ]
00:50:00
why would you want to marry more than one [ __ ] woman that would be a nightmare how many like when i see those
00:50:05
polygamous [ __ ] that show that sound like tlc or whatever that guy that has like six wives why the [ __ ] would you
00:50:11
want that many [ __ ] what that's insane sister wives this [ __ ] psycho and by the way bring up the image of
00:50:16
these people look at what these people look like good look at what these people look like i know i don't know what are they
00:50:22
looking just click on the photo zoom in zoom in and let me let me say something mean it's like they
00:50:27
photoshopped the same face on everybody it's him yeah yeah it's him as different yeah they're all the same person that's
00:50:33
him as different women yeah yeah yeah and i gotta tell you like which one would you [ __ ] you got four swings and
00:50:39
you struck me honestly which one would you spend the most with the guy that girl in the far right
00:50:45
oh yeah the girl on the front right yeah where's the guy at though i don't know i don't know if there is a guy at this point oh he just they should just show
00:50:51
the wives in that photo
00:50:58
emperors back in the day like in china right yeah they used to have like 200 concubines no that's different though
00:51:04
why those are just women they got to sleep with you but you know these guys have to live in a house and still you know those concubines
00:51:10
how come you didn't you know i wrote you a letter how come you didn't write me back i mean you know everybody's so busy
00:51:16
i know but you know dick dick you spent three days with dick dick and tong tong
00:51:22
right but me you ever see me in three more your tits are weird
00:51:29
that's the [ __ ] thing on this show i've seen it before they talk on the show about he spends more time with other women and they all get jealous
00:51:35
what do you [ __ ] expect what do you think is going on yeah of course he's going to pick and choose who's got this tightest toy i would get the front the
00:51:42
brunette for me the brunette if i had to pick the brunette nah not for me which one back
00:51:48
right because she looks like she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose yeah that the back is right
00:51:55
yeah no dude look beyond the idea that i don't want to [ __ ] make these real humans feel bad
00:52:01
i just think it's not my [ __ ] i don't give a [ __ ] you can go do whatever you want do be happy with as many people as
00:52:06
you want what's that photo that's all the kids they have wait their kids have kids
00:52:13
but they have to [ __ ] each other he has kids with all the woman it's not true he has kids i think with every
00:52:19
woman i think i don't know oh that headache yeah balancing that i'd forget first of all remembering their names is
00:52:24
no also imagining him doing a five-way divorce the alimony well insane yeah
00:52:29
insane you're broke you're homeless i mean how do you remember all these kids name that was always impressive to me i i
00:52:34
i'm one of two kids and i was an only child for a while before my sister yeah my mom forgot my name all the time
00:52:41
there's a system that you can do it i think what is it what is it so what i would do is if one of the woman's name is angie
00:52:49
i can memorize the five women's names right so their kids would all start with an a and
00:52:55
n right correct right right so angie and joe and drew would have been an easier one
00:53:01
it would be one of them but ann joe would be what angel my brother and joe is the oldest right and jai angie
00:53:08
and she's my wife yeah but she they could have an angie uh angie the woman what's your daughter oh angie junior the
00:53:14
woman right so anjo yeah and jai right angelica angelica angelo angel
00:53:20
angel would be a good one and then if my other wife was name is uh brianna be all b.r
00:53:26
bianca even harder bi way harder let's try bianca though okay go for it b b
00:53:32
one of his name was b e yeah yeah b e a yeah one would be b b b the other one would be b b no hard
00:53:39
that is b b b yeah i wouldn't do three b's b b b b come over here when the b b
00:53:45
comes over i said three b's listen idiot you [ __ ] idiot listen when i'm
00:53:50
calling you and your sister yeah yeah yeah i think i there's to be able to remember all of those kids
00:53:55
and be in line with who's whose kid would went with which woman that would [ __ ] you that would [ __ ] me up too they
00:54:01
look they all look the same no but this is what you do he [ __ ] up he [ __ ] it up you you
00:54:07
marry different races yeah he got all whites which is one black girl yep so i know what i mean one
00:54:14
black one asian one uh black you would have a mexican one black mexican
00:54:19
being asian i couldn't do an age i could do an asian one if i'm full asian you should have a white i definitely have a
00:54:25
white yeah those are my good looking ones well you have to get loans for these
00:54:30
houses somehow yeah yeah all right so so you have a black one an asian one i would probably have a mexican one a
00:54:36
mexican but that's so close to asian i think my kids would kind of look asian or no no if it's if
00:54:41
it's mexican mexican indigenous mexican indigenous indigenous mexican yeah and then and then native american
00:54:49
the same as indigenous no mexican native americans look very different wait indigenous native you're saying
00:54:54
indigenous people mexican mexico indigenous people in mexico and native americans are too similar
00:55:00
they have a few i would go south asian oh okay okay yeah yeah like
00:55:05
what yeah yeah i'm not south asian you're not you're not asian at all as far as i'm
00:55:11
concerned you know what i always i would marry two whites i would marry an american white but check this out in
00:55:18
my thinking okay a russian white because my kids will have knives oh yes right yeah because
00:55:24
they like i saw eastern promises where that was that movie eastern promises yeah yeah yeah the [ __ ] steam room
00:55:29
yeah so those kids are good at violence yeah and if one of my kids is playing with a bear outside i got the yeah that's my russian one yes yeah yeah
00:55:36
that's look at there's a never go to a steam room with a russian no yeah yeah no let him go and let him come out and
00:55:42
then you get in and lock the door yeah yeah lock yourself inside the steamer what would you have all whites
00:55:49
no no yeah no you know what i would do well with me it would look but the red hair thing would stand out with anybody
00:55:54
if i had a black wife but we had a black kid with red hair because you know if you've seen this there's black kids with red hair yeah like my i have a buddy
00:56:00
who's black with freckles that is a lot of freckles don't like it [ __ ] you you know what your kids would all look like sinbad
00:56:06
one of the coolest guys of all time she has no idea who that is yeah show me sinbad thin bad the comedian he's the [ __ ] man a successful awesome
00:56:13
comedian i'll take it i thought the lion yeah so these are all that's right andrew's kids yeah with a black woman
00:56:19
right go to the one with the mohawk a little bit yeah that's me back in the 80s though sinbad in the 80s
00:56:25
you think what with the lion what did you say sinbad oh simba
00:56:30
[Laughter]
00:56:39
and type in antonio cromartie kids there's a video there's a video of him naming his kids
00:56:45
oh oh that one right there the second one down look at this he's trying to remember his kids names listen listen how many kids does he have so
00:56:52
let's go to this ad and then pause it okay but here's the deal this is when having too many kids with too many
00:56:58
people goes awry when you can't even remember ages and names okay so look at how watch this this is nuts they're holding up you have
00:57:05
to turn you know all the aggression on but as soon as you leave and get home you got to be that father figure you
00:57:11
know that that husband what's wrong with your help
00:57:17
what's going on over here yeah alonzo who is five
00:57:22
i have um karis who is three i have
00:57:27
my my junior was just three i have a my daughter who just turned three as of
00:57:33
yesterday three threes um i have another son named tyler that's who he turns three in december
00:57:41
he got another uh daughter that was born october 16th named london that's my birthday another
00:57:47
daughter i was born named leilani who's uh two years old and uh i have my newborn with my wife think
00:57:55
about how that how stressful it is remember just remembering all the kids that's more stressful to me than having all the women i don't remember any of
00:58:01
the [ __ ] kids names of their birthdays how do you how would you know he named all of them except that one girl and you know that one girl's gonna
00:58:07
see that video and that's gonna sit with her for the rest of her life yeah it stinks it stinks but you know what what
00:58:13
does it say they don't know how to pull out thank you for being a bad friend
00:58:21
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