00:00:00
you two are bad friends you are these two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude
00:00:06
you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends
00:00:12
they were naked with you weren't they did
00:00:17
my brother and i my brother and jeremiah got naked for you yes but you know where it was
00:00:23
gay yeah yeah okay oh but uh
00:00:30
your brother he lost he got a little bit of a losing mentality like you he lost
00:00:35
he lost bro lost what and uh strip poker oh it's strip poker yeah that's what it
00:00:42
is so you know it was and jeremiah said you know what he did the friend thing why are you cheap let's get to this
00:00:49
let's get the story now why why aren't you why aren't you drunk why are you drunk
00:00:54
oh because uh i the dennis [ __ ] up my 2.
00:01:01
hey say it again it's [ __ ] up my two see okay it's f that ain't tooth it's tooth
00:01:09
is it one two or two versus it's two i don't know it's the two there's one two three no i want two all right i've never heard it
00:01:15
says it's not a word no it's not that's right you know get to the story man okay so you know why are
00:01:21
you bill w now who the [ __ ]
00:01:31
so i went to the dentist and uh i was supposed to get a root canal uh-huh and then the guy went into my mouth
00:01:38
and he [ __ ] up the root canal right and he drilled imagine where he goes dude i mean what does he do it's yellow
00:01:45
pages yep no yeah what craigslist how does he get his brown pages
00:01:52
yeah
00:02:12
you know how like they have to go in the office to get it's like four different orifices in the room right you're saying
00:02:18
orifices are you saying like the dentist office
00:02:34
so dope let me finish my story all right so
00:02:40
anyway i go there he drills in the orifice but he misses he goes off just real quick i'm sorry i
00:02:47
want to help just don't say orifice again it's making me laugh why is it making it just the way you say
00:02:53
it is making me laugh it's [ __ ] perfect so just okay don't say orifice
00:02:58
all right so he drills through the tooth
00:03:04
and he goes out the side of the two and threw his [ __ ] tooth into another tooth that's right
00:03:09
what is it you know how like wait okay let me stop the only way to get to one of the teeth
00:03:17
is through another tooth no no no no no he did it on accident he did it on accident oh i see his dentist did an
00:03:23
accident oh i thought he was challenging himself let me see if i can get this i can get around this through this other
00:03:30
tooth i did it so tell him now what happens so then he takes he says okay let me see where
00:03:36
i'm at and he puts the splints into my my tooth to see to do the x-ray yeah and
00:03:41
then he takes the [ __ ] x-ray and the splint is going through the tooth into the next tooth i go what the [ __ ] i said
00:03:46
bro that ain't supposed to he say uh you know what i i'm sorry what color was he he said you know what i'll just put some semen in
00:03:52
here yeah you're not what is
00:04:01
can i just say this i've never been to orthodontist orthodontics school how does that sure
00:04:07
yeah why not orthodontics school yeah yeah school yeah dentistry school yeah
00:04:12
never been through it but i'm pretty sure seaman has nothing to do with it yeah why would he fill your tooth with semen yeah
00:04:19
i'm pretty sure no okay we're doing wordplay today okay what are you gonna do you said this
00:04:26
i wasn't sucking
00:04:40
what did you what rudy what did he say yesterday yeah he said seaman how about
00:04:45
how about this this was you already seeming like sperm scene oh [ __ ] no orifices no more
00:04:52
oh yeah yeah those are the two words maybe maybe maybe because maybe because of my tooth i'm i'm sounding like it
00:04:58
sound a little different all right about that just try to find different replacements for the words okay yeah all right so anyway he put uh some
00:05:05
plaster in there right there it is
00:05:18
[Laughter] yeah swirl up my jaw uh-huh
00:05:25
and i went back in and i [ __ ] pulled my tooth he pulled it yeah
00:05:30
when he touches his jaw he said it feels like sand it's all broken oh yeah because he well that was something that
00:05:36
he did before when i went in for he went back yeah yeah you got to get a different tennis dude yeah yeah yeah
00:05:42
you're going to find look at the license see if he has one does not definitely doesn't have one
00:05:48
dude he found him on groupon he got him off you won't believe where he's at though he's in studio city he's supposed
00:05:54
to be a problem wait so tell him so tell him
00:06:01
where's the tooth now oh
00:06:13
the dentist was like can i take this home i'm gonna put it under my pillow yeah can you see rudy yeah
00:06:18
okay give her that we give her that mic for a minute just so she can okay hold on so he doesn't know doc
00:06:24
you know that i'm missing 13 teeth right no for real yeah i can believe that
00:06:30
you're kind of dumb so what yeah real attitude you know what you're kind
00:06:35
of dumb so dumb people they fall in dude you're the one that's letting dentists put semen in your [ __ ] teeth
00:06:41
who are you [ __ ] nervous of this guy he's dude he's hypocritical he goes and he trades on us and goes to
00:06:46
that other dork show then he comes in here with real dude he said dumb you know he said to fancy when he came into the hotel no i can't walk he goes man
00:06:53
y'all didn't give me a big enough room that's what he said to fancy yeah y'all didn't get me a big enough room see how this room is got a [ __ ] patty yeah
00:06:59
you're not andrew santino [ __ ]
00:07:11
how much room service can we get that's what he said that's all he wants ruthless toothless over there yeah so you can still drink
00:07:18
though right nah cause it's it messes with the cloud in there just drink it who cares yeah
00:07:24
drink it the clown away bobby lost 13 teeth he's fine yeah you never heard that song are you are you serious you
00:07:29
lost 13 days yeah okay bro right [ __ ] st come over here
00:07:34
no because you're gonna [ __ ] be i'm not go over here come on over there god man but if you get it [ __ ] violent
00:07:40
i'm gonna get violent see how this is like i'm gonna touch you bro this isn't gonna work you can't go the other way or okay
00:07:46
just jump over the couch yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay let's go look at this little guy man what's your name
00:07:51
look on this side of the mouth down here okay okay oh you want me to look at you oh okay [ __ ] how do you feel [ __ ]
00:07:58
both sides teeth missing sit back down he can only eat egg salad man yeah
00:08:04
uh you bought a few teeth away from giving out gummies huh that's another joke
00:08:11
i feel like that's a joke all right well i think i think with these two bad jokes back to back i think it's time for me to announce
00:08:17
what's going on tonight yeah we're in san diego first of all bad friends we're in san diego the crew is here we're all
00:08:22
going to the show tonight i'm doing a performance at the balboa theater totally sold out and doc is opening the show tonight hell
00:08:29
yeah you do he's doing stand up tonight how much time i don't know he's here all right
00:08:35
man who's opening doc he's doing ten two minutes he's going
00:08:40
out yeah he fancy's going to introduce the show yeah daca is going to go up and he's got to do 25 minutes 25. you can do
00:08:47
25 [ __ ] i guess so i ain't done it in a while but i can do it yeah yeah you excited
00:08:52
yeah if you take the time away from him i'm never gonna forgive you i might i know
00:08:59
you are yeah i feel like this but i feel like you're propping him up and the last second it's gonna be a letdown
00:09:04
and it's gonna be funny on camera yep right but it's gonna break his heart what are you gonna do nothing that's
00:09:10
life that's actually life right andrew isn't that live that's life yeah yeah yeah that's life that's life doc that's it
00:09:16
yeah uh rudy how was the drive did you like it a little trip down to san diego you know what's so funny i asked her i
00:09:21
go on the car ride didn't i ask you about harry styles i go if you were married to harry styles he came up to
00:09:26
you and he said hi i'm quitting com um music i'm in and um i want to marry you
00:09:33
and we're gonna just live on an island and i'm gonna drink 24 hours a day
00:09:39
become an alcoholic and just eat whatever i want to get fat i go how long will you stay with them
00:09:45
she'd stay for two years that's the number yeah two years two
00:09:50
years of an alcoholic wait why drinking why not forever at that point two year
00:09:55
what do you have you have a limit on it yeah cause i think by the end of the two years i'd
00:10:01
be grossed out he'll get fat yeah yeah what's up doc who's harry styles
00:10:07
give him the mic give him give him the mic what did he just say to him would you say that's uh harry styles who is
00:10:13
harry it's all right it's all right it's all right easy easy easy
00:10:19
all right um okay bobby tell him who it is
00:10:26
he don't know either look at me he does he just can't believe that you don't i can't believe you don't know he's like
00:10:31
one of the most famous black activists on earth
00:10:37
you don't know harry styles martin luther king malcolm x harry
00:10:43
styles she's showing you a joke photo that's not edgar mevers
00:10:49
i've never seen this guy in my life you've never seen this man no do you have the internet at your house
00:10:56
is he okay he's not from harry potter is he
00:11:12
styles this [ __ ] guy is hilarious dude harry potter stuff he's a [ __ ] singer
00:11:18
how are you alive how do you function in society you don't know anything man how the [ __ ]
00:11:25
you pay your taxes man you pay rent how do you survive hey i'm just like the rest of america we do the bare minimum
00:11:31
we just eat and sleep that's what we do and work a little better all right is harry styles a part of harry potter
00:11:38
he is he is he very much so is he really hey man i didn't know no god bless you [ __ ] how young he is though see i'm i'm
00:11:45
48. well bobby knows and he's like what are you 67 sick what are you i love how you don't know harry styles
00:11:52
and yet you're trying to slam me right and do a slam joke i'm just that hurt
00:11:58
all right you're the [ __ ] guy that doesn't know who harry styles is you [ __ ] see how many are you trying to [ __ ] h-shame
00:12:05
me don't age shame i try to harry styles okay was in a pop band from
00:12:13
england called one direction huge oh they were discovered by simon simon cowell on x factor okay they
00:12:21
were all contestants he put them all together they created a band called one direction harry styles
00:12:27
happens to be one of the guys that created a solo career and now he's one of the biggest stars as big as adele
00:12:36
as big as beyonce was at the fourth time no you don't know timberlake and the
00:12:42
last timber like same group no yeah same group timberlake same yeah yeah this guy [ __ ] doesn't
00:12:48
know [ __ ] timber like he said he is okay go ahead try to figure out [ __ ]
00:12:54
that's right okay timberlake is uh that's three boys no he's in sync and sync there it is
00:13:01
that let him have it yeah i was there i was [ __ ] there so you know who but it was all boy bands so i'm right there
00:13:06
okay you think harry styles was in a band with justin timberlake i was trying to like they're close man i couldn't
00:13:12
[ __ ] i was trying to yeah i couldn't i was trying to fit in how come there's no more it's just good
00:13:18
boys to men yeah there's not anymore what is no no no they said how come there isn't any more yeah oyster men was
00:13:24
was so good yeah i don't know yeah
00:13:29
well there was one group after them who jagged it oh jagged
00:13:35
but that's this is all the 90s yeah that's all the 90s we haven't had anybody in the 2000s i know because
00:13:41
well i i i wish the jackson 5 was a jackson six and he was the sixth
00:13:46
bro
00:13:54
he's out there right what is this little [ __ ] doing danny he's got like i'm robert you have tambourines
00:14:02
[Music]
00:14:11
the jackson six the jackson stick that'd be great how funny that be
00:14:16
oh [ __ ] how how really how come because korean boy bands are [ __ ] huge the biggest
00:14:22
in the world some of the biggest right now yeah dude there's a group called bts that's the biggest boy i've heard of bts
00:14:27
no globally they have to be the biggest bandit okay i mean boy group
00:14:32
who do y'all got white right now that's a big man who would the whites have this season
00:14:39
american like the rookie who are the ones in the rookies yeah
00:14:44
we're all injured we're all benched yeah all the oh you know who's doing all the whites have comebacks like the battery boys did a comeback tour and
00:14:50
sync 98 degrees they didn't come back tours boys to me and sing in vegas or they really have a residency
00:14:56
[Music]
00:15:04
they was in boise man uh residency room that's where they are
00:15:10
so they perform with boys to men david jefferson [ __ ] but they just had the room while they wasn't there so we was
00:15:15
in there looking at the trophies and [ __ ] like that trophy trophies yeah we had some fruit and [ __ ] that was good
00:15:21
did you perform on that show no i didn't perform just me in n was at the seller
00:15:27
oh yeah yeah the seller and then in open for dave chappelle and no oh oh dave attell david
00:15:34
tell and ross so i went with him did you ever do the seller in vegas bob no it's a whole week you know that yeah
00:15:41
it's like tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday right have you no i actually did i did jimmy kimmel's
00:15:48
club years ago when it first opened what's that called jimmy kimmel's club
00:15:53
oh it is a [ __ ] guy oh yeah he wanted you to know well i know who jimmy kimmel is okay no
00:15:59
but it is called jimmy what are you trying to do that's the same thing me not doing jimmy kimmel had a comedy
00:16:04
club in vegas and you not knowing who harry styles is yeah you think that's the same thing yeah
00:16:10
yeah it's a [ __ ] thing it's absolutely something in my heart doc you're doing my [ __ ] art you're the one over there
00:16:15
in your teeth what the [ __ ] it's insane we're still going on this evening all right we're never gonna let
00:16:21
that go i'm gonna get you my dentist i don't trust yours no no i like this yeah i
00:16:27
like him going into this yeah i like my mom is he a white guy no he's indian dude that's what's even more of a that's
00:16:32
mystery yeah i figured a white would [ __ ] that up yeah they usually fly but he told me he's 80
00:16:38
something how old is he he's about 80 late 70s who was the best dentist yeah he's been
00:16:43
so great for these many years about you know mark simone what was that steve simone oh yeah well
00:16:49
steve told me about that's who i should go to he heard about this so when his brother 20 years ago lived here
00:16:54
his brother owned his own dentistry in santa monica and we would all go there would he give you a deal yeah he was the
00:17:01
best dentist i've ever had where'd he moved back he moved back to philly yeah yeah wait philly no
00:17:07
wherever they're from am i trying to guess why am i yelling yeah steve was telling me that after he
00:17:13
found out about this he was telling me to come out i'm going to the dentist on wednesday and i'm nervous because i know they're going to find something
00:17:19
it gives me something clean or what huh did you get in the cleaner yeah but it's been a while because of covet
00:17:25
you do have beautiful teeth they're real nice the bottoms are are getting jagged they get all you know
00:17:30
they feel the whole family yeah we're teeth people yeah your mama's a pretty mouth
00:17:35
wow that didn't even come out i don't know what that was but don't
00:17:41
they thought it was goddamn bottle he deserved it
00:17:54
you've never been to san diego have you no but i slept all the way so yeah she slept all the way the whole drive yeah
00:18:00
what the [ __ ] are we gonna talk about to me in this one she hates me she doesn't hate you dude
00:18:06
do you hate you told me there's real mexicans near here there are real men yes so there we go do i see i [ __ ] dude
00:18:13
no i teach what do you mean these are this is mexico mexicans yeah you do the borders right there
00:18:19
okay we at l.a do you think we are you think we're near the bay area no i just
00:18:25
mexicans are everywhere in california but now i know what you mean you're talking actual touch over the border hey
00:18:32
come okay they call them come and go okay i get it yeah like day laborers come across you don't
00:18:38
have to put the mic in front of her mouth until she talks she doesn't like it oh okay she doesn't like it she don't like
00:18:43
the money yeah okay okay isn't tommy hilfiger like super racist
00:18:48
that's what they said but uh you don't care
00:18:58
will you look it up what did tommy hilfiger say he i think i don't think he's saying i think he was end bombing on a phone call ah i'm gonna be wearing
00:19:05
this [ __ ] if that's the case i don't know if it was fresh enough you'd wear it are those hill figure
00:19:10
shoes andrew cunanans from here too who is andrew conan who's that you don't
00:19:15
know andrew cunanan this is anybody know andrew conan yeah he's the one that killed versace
00:19:20
uh yes yeah he's from san diego yeah he's from la jolla how about la jolla yeah
00:19:26
yeah murderer is wrong but he he he killed a fashion designer
00:19:31
that's high it's sexy dude it's like if you can kill like gap is there a gap mr
00:19:37
gap yeah is there mr key is there a mr cap fill gap bill gap there's no bill gap yes there
00:19:44
is bill gap that's his name that's his name bill gap yeah oh yeah bill gap that's his name bill and cynthia gaff
00:19:50
cynthia gap yeah
00:19:56
80s right it was a vintage clothing store first right and they used to call it um
00:20:01
alleys i don't know what was called what do you mean what was the first store they called oh the alleys the alleys yeah the alley
00:20:07
it was called the alleys right and um how did the name came about oh i know
00:20:14
what i know what it was so all the prices you're mean um
00:20:20
they were going out of business so they did like a 30 40 and that's where the gap comes from that was the gap that was the gap and it was
00:20:26
like we're going to save you a lot of money look at the gap yeah so the tag used to say look at the gap yeah holy [ __ ] these guys are just walking uh
00:20:32
dictionaries here yeah yeah or is it encyclopedias which one it would be the second one yeah it'd be definitely second one
00:20:38
dictionary has uh english language words in it yeah yeah yeah p what is it what did tommy hilfiger say so apparently
00:20:44
this was went on the oprah um show he went on the oprah winfrey show and
00:20:50
made racist remarks what it is which is the right venue to do if you're going to do it if you're going to do razor stuff go to the front opera i mean that's all
00:20:56
what i always say yeah i mean he's real yeah what did he say god damn face
00:21:14
i got to see that [ __ ] you just heard it he just said it to you what happened dude yeah but that he
00:21:19
could be reading what what source is that make it different it's this what it's from the magazine the source
00:21:25
it's a rumor it's not true it's true the source is the hip-hop magazine the source that's what it is i wouldn't be
00:21:31
wearing this [ __ ] if he was like that no that sounds true to me five minutes i would take the shirt off it's it's it's nice
00:21:37
it's not real he said he wants it on white backs only yeah for what
00:21:43
well like the clothes i'm wearing right is all from old confederate flags did you know that
00:21:49
better half oh my god andrew we both talk to somebody we both believe in this this is something we actually use often
00:21:56
yeah better help will assess your needs it's it it's online therapy you know what it is yeah and it matches you with your own
00:22:03
licensed therapist you can start communicating in under 48 hours we all do this yep we love this place it's not
00:22:09
a crisis line it's not self-help it's professional counseling done securely online guys it's the best i'm telling
00:22:15
you there's a broad range of expertise available which may not be locally available in many areas yeah but that's
00:22:20
okay because the service is available for clients all over the world you can log into your account anytime from anywhere send a message to your counselor and you're going to get
00:22:25
thoughtful and timely responses you can read the reviews from the people that have done this at betterhelp.com.com
00:22:33
reviews it's more affordable andrew than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available visit
00:22:39
betterhelp.com bad friends that's better help help and join the over 1 million people who have taken charge of the mental health with the help of an
00:22:45
experienced professional this podcast is sponsored by betterhelp and bad friends listeners get 10 off their first month
00:22:51
at betterhelp.com bad friends ten percent off your first month at betterhelp.com slash bad friends raycon
00:22:57
oh my god raycon is my favorite recon sent me wireless earbuds and they make the difference because i gotta tell you
00:23:04
yeah i've suggested it to friends yeah they look great they feel really nice and snug they come in a range of cool colors customizable gel tips oh for in
00:23:11
my because my little tiny ear i've been also listening to tupac you like tupac now california
00:23:17
california rough i don't know but i love it and i love listening to my attitude to it with my
00:23:22
rate cuts as my point well recons are great uh raycons are built to go wherever you go with quick and seamless
00:23:27
bluetooth pairing and a compact charging case it's really smooth they look great they feel even better so raycon has 24 hour battery life and portability uh i
00:23:34
take them on the aero plane because you know i'll be flying all over the country yeah bobby likes them when he's at his
00:23:40
little house listening to music by himself yeah everyone hear him bump in tupac listen up raycon's offering 50 off
00:23:46
all their products for our listeners and here's what you got to do to get it go to buy raycon dot com slash bad friends
00:23:53
then you'll get 15 off your entire raycon order and it's such a good deal you'll want to grab a pair and a spare
00:24:00
that's 15 off at by raycon.com bad friends buy raycon dot com slash bad friends
00:24:06
wow yeah yeah you feel good about that yeah it's okay because the flag isn't just it's not on it i don't want it
00:24:11
anymore andres doesn't like it he shakes his hand he doesn't like these jokes yeah i don't care andre anybody what are you
00:24:17
what do you mean what am i no i thought he was what no i thought you're spanish right yeah yeah
00:24:23
[ __ ] guy man you know i didn't know it's like you learn the same thing every day
00:24:28
over and over again oh gee oh gee spain okay yeah wait a minute you don't you know you know you do know this right
00:24:35
that fancy's from spain yeah i do i kind of sort of knew that yeah where did you think he was from
00:24:41
he spoke spanish so i was like cuba a little bit you think he looks cuban yeah
00:24:47
he he knows what i'm talking about you guys don't know because you don't look cute espanol cuban cubans are way darker look
00:24:54
at how like look at those are like him too he knows that are there cubans that look like you puerto ricans too bro not like that
00:25:02
no okay well see that shows you how much educated educated
00:25:07
yeah doc you have the [ __ ]
00:25:14
cutest eyebrows yeah i've ever seen they're so
00:25:19
tiny they're like chocolate chocolate strips okay you know like i want to rip them off your face
00:25:25
and just eat them so how did we go from that too to bobby he just said he's just admiring
00:25:31
your eyebrows i'm just gazing into your [ __ ] cute little [ __ ] eyebrows i'm glad you feel that way bobby that's a
00:25:37
little [ __ ] stressful uncomfortable right now
00:25:55
like if i'm if i'm 69 oh we're perfect george kimmel right there's muscles being used
00:26:02
you know because he's taller so i have to stretch right i'll elongate my neck
00:26:23
and then it's it's perfect perfect right it's like when tetris pieces link up just
00:26:29
that's exactly what it is thank you so much man this is that those two upstairs great conversation have in front of your
00:26:34
daughter yeah she's staff right now uh talking for an
00:26:40
occasion yeah it's fine i'm used to it yeah she's used to it sounds like i'm
00:26:46
not that sounds like the judge asked her in a court was like how do you feel about you like it's fine i'm used to it back on
00:26:53
good girl good smart don't say anything bad [ __ ] good when he dropped those cards funniest
00:26:59
thing i've ever seen not only the funniest thing but there was also a feeling of embarrassment oh yeah and
00:27:05
shame i felt shin was like in his head he was like thinking about getting in the car and leaving as soon as he saw it
00:27:10
to my credit i think he might have put a little bit of oil on there just for the effect you know what i mean like he made me
00:27:17
is that it is that like a racist joke about shin lim no i'm just saying that i was set up what is that like i know how
00:27:23
to shuffle cards you don't believe me bring some cards out here we can do this we do
00:27:28
we did we did it we did it and we were taping it we filmed it we have it on and
00:27:34
we saw your failure live yeah okay there was no escaping it doc are you
00:27:40
ready for your date tonight i thought we weren't going to do it he said he wasn't but we're going to do it we're going to do it live going okay on
00:27:47
stage oh so we're doing a date on stage it's a longer show okay i feel so bad
00:27:54
for the girl i don't know why i just feel so bad for the girl why she submitted she submitted
00:28:01
it i understand that but it's like a female jihadist
00:28:07
taking one for the team i'll blow up the cafe what if she blows herself up on stage yeah yeah then i'm
00:28:12
dead too that i'm [ __ ] dead too don't say that [ __ ] i want to live it just like feels like someone's sacrificing something
00:28:19
large something they really yeah the girl is and it's like or oh or she wants
00:28:25
a little black magic and she really genuinely loves it that's what i'm saying why he came
00:28:32
listen to me right now honestly andrew i've known you for how long yeah 15 years look at me in the eyes dude yeah
00:28:39
is it hard to believe right
00:28:44
don't take this personally but should i leave no don't leave stay here right here i want you to listen to it okay i'll take it personally don't think it's
00:28:50
all about you but don't take it do you is it is it hard to believe
00:28:56
that a female human being yeah right would
00:29:02
allow right right his genitals erect
00:29:07
right inside their organs pretty hard to believe hard to believe pretty hard now that i think about it about it you know i think about
00:29:13
it yeah yeah what the [ __ ] is wrong with your boy but you know what you know what
00:29:18
it's only because you kept denying wanting to meet up with any of these women that he's concerned what women you all the women that we
00:29:25
have submitted you didn't want to go on a date with any of them we had to force you to go on this date with this woman it's easier to believe this is the one
00:29:31
with the boyfriend right no no no you have to say no to that one
00:29:36
because of your well this is a different one yeah you like this other one yeah
00:29:42
okay oh my god see that all right let's do how about this let's
00:29:47
give rudy that other mic do a practice date right now because we need to give you some training y'all think i'm [ __ ] like yo what
00:29:52
kind of [ __ ] is this i ain't let's see how well you do pal okay all right you're out on a date with me i'm the waiter
00:29:58
go ahead okay welcome to madison as well love this place
00:30:05
welcome to menace as well um two table for two
00:30:11
table for two please sit here do you like this view your accident a little thick what was
00:30:17
that catering do you like this view oh yes it's beautiful a lot of places already
00:30:24
all right all right he almost got kicked out yeah yeah well how how did i almost get kicked out you're a black guy in madame as well
00:30:30
yeah yeah yeah the accent was a little bit i know but he's racist you know that's right this well
00:30:36
well anyway would you like to hear about those specials yes okay we have uh
00:30:43
let us hear we have yesterday escargot
00:30:57
basically it's lightly sauteed escargot with lightly
00:31:02
creamed escargot do you know what those are no what is
00:31:08
this escargot you don't know what escargot is it's scarborough no there's a mcdonald's across the street
00:31:14
[Laughter] would i get in trouble if i said that
00:31:21
yeah you would no i don't support you i'm gonna call your manager he owns the plan i own the rest i'm madison
00:31:26
yeah this is mad as well himself calm down yeah yeah thank you what's happening on
00:31:32
the date already yeah reprimand him rudy you know she's my piece would you like a bottle of flat
00:31:40
or would you like a bottle of sparkling water i'll take the sparkling water please and for the lady flat please flat
00:31:47
mother do you want a bottle a flat and a bottle of sparkling
00:31:53
give me both okay oh they're 49.95 a bottle okay well can you put hers in the cup and just give me the
00:31:59
bottle i guess we could afford it yes
00:32:04
um i'm actually the uh you know not the main server you know
00:32:11
francesco is the main service
00:32:17
hello no she my assistant i'm francesco i'm here to serve you okay yeah so i told him about the special about oh you
00:32:24
did yes he doesn't know escargot does he doesn't know you know the mcdonald's across the street
00:32:32
you can get a complete meal for 2.99 this is the latest restaurant no it's funny
00:32:40
lovely lady lovely ladies weird looking man lovely little thing okay
00:32:48
from an island you know outside of greece greece outside right outside of greece
00:32:54
where are you from i'm from detroit oh gross
00:33:01
are you sure miss where are you from where are you from i'm from the philippines
00:33:10
how do you end up with this thing yeah this yeah we met on a dating app oh
00:33:15
which one which one's one tinder oh nice who swiped first yeah yeah he did
00:33:22
yeah he would he would he looked like he's are you blind no
00:33:29
you are sure you're not blind have you have you taken a look at the menu do you want to know what you want to eat yeah um we'll have the most
00:33:37
expensive most um special dinner because doc is going to
00:33:43
pay for everything yes that will be very good well we have expensive we have a whole shark you we can we have a horse
00:33:49
we have mammoth bone marrow mammoth bone marrow that we saute over the top of a yeah endangered species that's the
00:33:57
mammoth is extinct the bone marrow is very hard to come back in fact
00:34:02
[Music] with they have a an intact mammoth in probably thousands of years thousands
00:34:09
anyway but look at this giant we have a gigantic mammoth bone with the marrow see what the [ __ ] this place should be called flintstones this is like
00:34:16
oh you make fun of me yes you're the
00:34:32
you like this guy fine it's fine just calm down it's fine when they compliment you but
00:34:38
they dissing me over here ma'am do you want us to call the police on this man how does how do i i gotta pay for that
00:34:43
man we could put a children's placemat with the with the little uh puzzles and the little cartoons we have crayons
00:34:51
like that dog likes that yeah yeah go get this the dinosaurs
00:34:59
okay here are your meals here you go please enjoy i don't i don't remember them very fast i didn't remember them
00:35:06
you asked you received yeah yeah that was it and you're all done with the plates
00:35:11
how was the meal yeah it was really good anything else i can get you coffee dessert
00:35:18
dessert oh this is true yeah yes does the man not want dessert but he's making well we have a very special
00:35:24
dessert tell them about that how much is your desserts how much how much
00:35:49
hold on are you telling us maybe you can't afford because we're gonna have a problem are we gonna have a problem no no i'm you
00:35:56
know where's the front door give me your card now before we move forward i'll give it to you give me your credit card that's
00:36:02
you that's your card let's push your channel at costco that's a costco card right maybe you're
00:36:07
a real kind of please like that's all i got okay this says blockbuster on it i don't know what blockbuster is still
00:36:13
open you know what i was a little nervous my bad he just checked my other ones okay all right let's see here oh this is curves a gym for women why would
00:36:20
you have this car i forgot this is a gift should take me for lame
00:36:30
i'm trying to pay for this the best way i can okay another i can't use this sharper image gift card sharper image
00:36:36
not around [Laughter] listen sir if you can't afford you're gonna have to wash your dish
00:36:43
wash this you look like someone who has a washer they should before both of those right no no both for us right yes
00:36:52
i ain't never taking you out again this is preposterous okay doc it's back to us again yeah okay what a bad date yeah it
00:36:59
was i mean [ __ ] you're never gonna land you don't know how to do it you didn't let her you didn't even ask her what she wanted you just said i'll have
00:37:05
i'll have i mean [ __ ] dude you didn't tell her how beautiful she looked he didn't say anything sweet yeah yeah yeah
00:37:11
i didn't feel the magic you were no there was no imagination there was no magic let me ask you something what do you think magic is maybe you don't know
00:37:17
the definition of magic that was me being what do i think man charming huh that's
00:37:23
you being charming yeah yeah ask rudy how the date went how did you feel about our date
00:37:29
um your energy was off and about what about yeah
00:37:48
is fancy nice restaurant such a nice act like you're like you belong yeah you know madam as well you know well i just
00:37:55
you know by the way you had you had i think you had mrs madames as well here i was i was getting different you had carl
00:38:02
menace as well the little obese lady over here she was she was pretty hot are you insulting our
00:38:08
owners when you insulted me how did i insult you young man you said
00:38:13
i would uh i should go with a mcdonald's like i can't eat here like some back of the bus type of [ __ ] you said to me you
00:38:20
might not know that's what that was oh we we've got a squirrely one
00:38:26
yeah that was some [ __ ] you came at me in your place again good first of all
00:38:31
the map was horrible right did you like the mammoth i liked it it was good
00:38:36
wait it was overpriced that's what it offers overpriced
00:38:42
the mammoth bone marrow was horrible as if there was a reference like you've had it before
00:38:48
like how do you [ __ ] know i just went with your goddamn theme that's what you said right i know but okay
00:38:55
you've never had it before i've never had mammoth bone marrow what could you compare it to even if i had it it
00:39:00
probably tastes like [ __ ] you know there's a mcdonald's right across the street
00:39:07
[Laughter] have you ever taken a date to mcdonald's
00:39:13
never okay where's the cheapest place that we've all taken always taking dates to nice a nice restaurant did you
00:39:19
[ __ ] like 400 dollars a plate like what's the cheapest place you've taken a date to i mean i
00:39:25
i've taken dates to like i love laurie's what you know what laurie's is no
00:39:31
laurie's kitchen yeah restaurant oh the lowry's the steakhouse the steakhouse i said cheap
00:39:37
the cheap see this guy no
00:39:45
a chain restaurant or or something like what's the cheapest importance that's the cheapest you've ever done on a date
00:39:51
is that a chain yeah but that's not true because that's not cheap
00:40:02
what's the cheapest place you know um i've i've taken girls to like um
00:40:08
smokehouse that's pretty cool nice is that by the way
00:40:14
yeah yeah um subway yeah you get a date to subway when i first moved to l.a i took a girl to
00:40:20
subway i mean like that's understandable it's all i could afford yeah and i made her split a foot long you guys [ __ ] huh
00:40:28
what do you guys [ __ ] yeah i bet it was i let her get the italian bmw
00:40:34
it was nuts yeah the subway girl but well we shared sun chips that's all i could afford if you if you
00:40:41
had a guy that's wait i know would you be mad jules give me the give of the mic
00:40:47
would you be mad if a guy took you to on a date to subway i wouldn't be mad if i know that he's
00:40:53
not making that much he's making a lot and he's taking me to subway no i was poor i was 22 i had no
00:41:00
money right i literally was living on like 20 a week but if he like if like harry styles
00:41:06
took you on a date oh see then it reverses again she'd be okay with it again because it's here
00:41:11
so you'd have to be poor and very sweet or very rich and super hot are you excited to do a set tonight by the way
00:41:17
rudy do you want to do a little bit of time no i'm fine please no okay you will no yep
00:41:23
it's gonna be a lot of people it's not it's only like 1500 people or something like that sold out yeah 1500 no i don't
00:41:30
i don't know what number is it's over a thousand i think it's 1200 what is it 13 1300 people yeah sold out yeah
00:41:36
congratulations thank you babe what the [ __ ] is up san diego
00:41:42
[Applause] yeah [ __ ] i'm so glad to be here i brought a couple of bad friends with me
00:41:48
you ready for a good show
00:41:54
first up is two special guests all the way from the dirty island the tree climber and the spanish fancy bee
00:42:02
and little miss rudy jewels [Music]
00:42:07
[Applause] [Music]
00:42:14
hello san diego [Applause] [Music]
00:42:30
hi everyone
00:42:35
i'm farting a lot [Applause] yeah my legs are trembling too hi guys
00:42:45
welcome san diego we have a couple treats for you tonight besides andrew's
00:42:50
great show yeah i'm rudy or jules [Applause]
00:42:58
titu bobby and tito andrew forced me to do this again
00:43:03
um but welcome to tito andrew's show i think he's the better and funnier tito
00:43:11
so so to start we have
00:43:17
the little black man from bad friends
00:43:26
the the black alley cat the greatest black magic
00:43:34
aka aka doc willis so give it up for doug
00:43:41
[Applause]
00:43:48
hey hey san diego
00:43:56
live in the flesh right [ __ ] fantastic look at this goddamn crowd all these goddamn
00:44:03
race of people we got whites and any black people
00:44:08
oh [ __ ] hell yeah that's what i'm talking about doordash when i go on the road the only food delivery system i use
00:44:15
is doordash people are the most reliable they are they have the most options they have the friendliest and most proficient
00:44:35
at doordash guys they connect you to the restaurants you love right now right to your door you know doordash you can get the grocery essentials you need with doordash too drink snacks and other
00:44:41
household items delivered in under and out ordering is easy you open up the doordash app you choose what you want
00:44:47
from where you want it and your items will be set left safely outside your door with the contest
00:44:52
contactless delivery drop-off setting that's right over 300 thousand partners in the us puerto rico can australia you
00:44:57
can support your local neighborhood go-to's or your favorite restaurants for a limited time our listeners are going to get 25 off in zero delivery fees on
00:45:03
their first order of 15 or more download the doordash app enter the code bad friends 2022. that's 25 off your 10
00:45:10
value and zero delivery freeze on your first order when you download the doordash app in the app store and enter
00:45:15
the code that's don't forget the code bad friends 2022 for 25 of your first order with doordash
00:45:21
subject to change terms apply you look like a guy that sells hollywood hollywood hollywood signs
00:45:26
what what the hollywood maps i mean oh the maps oh yeah the map of the stars doesn't he look like a hollywood map guy
00:45:33
like you know where people live maybe i guess where do you live doc i live in studio city
00:45:39
where your dentist is yeah have you ever stayed right down the street right around the corner from brody right down the street from uh brent morin and rick
00:45:46
glassman david lucas is over there francisco ramos
00:45:52
uh comics corner yeah we out there in these streets rip brody
00:45:59
brody the funniest thing brody ever said to me so many funny things but one time
00:46:05
i tweeted like in the height of all the trump chaos way before he was elected
00:46:10
i wrote i'm gonna vote for trump just to make east eastside comics mad and then brody came up to me and he was
00:46:16
like really voting for trump i was like oh i was just making a joke he's like you should
00:46:22
don't be a coward to follow through and then he walked away dude he was so funny his that that that
00:46:30
that news when he died yeah was the worst day of my life pretty
00:46:35
tough i've never i've never been so hit by somebody's death more than him is it crazy you know when
00:46:41
somebody says where were you when something happened i usually don't know but i know where i was i literally know
00:46:46
where were you what where were you i remember i was taking a nap and i remember kalila going
00:46:52
what's so funny perfect bobby story yeah like 3 30 in the afternoon she goes
00:46:59
brodie died and i go what brody died and i waited five minutes
00:47:06
in silence and i said why aren't i crying huh i said that to her
00:47:13
she goes you will when you wake up because i was kind of in the mid stage yeah i know that and as soon as i
00:47:19
started kind of waking up falling oh my god i was on a chairlift i
00:47:24
was in mammoth i was skiing yeah yeah what rich white people do snowboarding mammoth wasn't aspen it was
00:47:32
mammoth all right but i was on this chair and i got into a fight with my buddy that we were out there on the mountain
00:47:38
we were arguing he was upset about the airbnb we got i was pissed and then i got that news
00:47:44
and i had goggles on and i cried in my goggles on the chairlift and we didn't say a word to each other i just got in the car and i drove back to l.a we
00:47:50
didn't even say goodbye i literally got in my [ __ ] car and i drove back to la and and it the whole ride i was quiet
00:47:58
there was no radio and then i kind of snapped out of it and realized that i was like oh my god i've just been driving not even thinking my
00:48:04
brain was like empty i was uh we didn't ask you doc anyway hey man
00:48:10
he was having a moment see how he ain't [ __ ] sorry where were you yeah i was about
00:48:15
brodie was supposed to be in the sand or bispo comedy oh that's right in the slow fashion i was on my way up there wow and
00:48:21
then i was going to surprise him because he didn't know i was going to be on on the festival i was going to be on the fridays and saturday show
00:48:26
so then is it like a little person with you brad williams a bunch of people okay so okay
00:48:32
was a lollipop
00:48:38
because of what's going on in hollywood with like more minorities getting bigger roles i do think if they remake wizard
00:48:44
of oz you're going to [ __ ] kill it yeah kill it old ass why still can you go flying
00:48:49
what oh my god
00:48:55
that's from [ __ ] that's willy wonka oh that's not the flower but that's another role
00:49:02
did you just say the flying what monkeys that's what he was about to say this is goofy don't look at me wait wait wait wait i didn't you thought i was going to
00:49:08
say flying monkeys that's [ __ ] that's racist
00:49:22
[Music]
00:49:29
that's in willy wonka what are the little people in the in wizard of oz the lollipop gang they're not the lollipop
00:49:35
games we represent pop games what are the little people called in
00:49:40
wizard of oz find out please for me they're called the lollipop lollipop kids man that's a ridiculous
00:49:46
name dog yes it is they go we represent the lollipop gang yeah and the lollipop kids
00:49:52
all right look up lovely lollipop what is it pete yeah they're
00:49:57
i know they're monsters but they're called the lollipop kids the one that came out is what lollipop kids right which is a good bit that sounds
00:50:03
like a good rap group yeah we out here with the lollipop kids and this [ __ ]
00:50:11
suck on yeah [ __ ] suck on me suck suck suck on me [ __ ] lollipop kids lolly lollipop kid feel that sucker on my
00:50:17
stick i'm the lollipop kid hey hey hey i want you sucking on my stick i'm a
00:50:23
lollipop kid
00:50:39
him so there was no one else there just him and i how could you couldn't the music's playing him going yeah yeah
00:50:45
we're the only people in vip how would you see his head that would be the yeah that'd be a [ __ ] nightmare
00:50:51
i would leave the club immediately let's go to a club tonight doc you want you want to ball out
00:50:57
no gay clubs because y'all [ __ ] why what is that who cares what do you mean who cares what am i doing why can't
00:51:03
we go to a gay club no cause y'all be doing some silly [ __ ] oh my god this guy's so having a drink hanging out with
00:51:09
some dudes that's not my style what is your style my style your style is not hanging out with human beings
00:51:16
human beings and [ __ ] there you go what do you mean they're not human beings [ __ ] gay clubs is what just
00:51:22
all gay dudes right yeah what do you think is going on there yeah nothing just all dues it's boring do you
00:51:27
think they're trying to force you to be yeah we get it we look how we argue and [ __ ] i don't want to be in a [ __ ] place with a bunch of other dudes [ __ ]
00:51:34
out of here
00:51:39
on the [ __ ] dance floor you do realize we're going to a gay bar now oh i knew this type of [ __ ] well you did
00:51:44
it you did this well i thought you was going to say no i want you to learn you got to open your mind dude what are you talking about i gotta open up my mind
00:51:51
i'm good you know i like gay people it's funny andrew it's like if you and i were at a um we're at the
00:51:58
abbey right in west hollywood which i've been there yeah multiple times so there's a club called the abbey in west hollywood do you know what that is doc
00:52:04
i've heard of it yeah and so don't get angry dude if you don't own it relax because this
00:52:10
is set up against me no and i'm not the bad guy but i remember being there with my friend mike and there was a bunch of
00:52:15
gay guys and my hand i was like my hand brushed up against a guy's leg
00:52:22
you know i was kind of doing this right and he goes he then he reciprocated back
00:52:29
he touched my leg with his hand yeah right and i looked and i go oh dude i'm not he's like you're not
00:52:34
we're gonna know but like if somebody touched you at a gay club
00:52:40
right from underneath the table would you be like my bad or would you be angry and i'd be like because he
00:52:47
probably don't know if i'm up in there that's an open game he gives you a big kiss right in your
00:52:53
mouth no that ain't going to happen what do you say what do you say bobby go kiss him and see what he says how would you let a guy just up and just kiss you like
00:53:00
what i'm gonna just be sitting there and just oh my god he just yeah yeah so he's like just [ __ ] no i don't go don't work like that hey
00:53:07
welcome to madison as well all right we have a club night too oh welcome back to my
00:53:28
okay my lord what does it say they come small the witnesses come small
00:53:35
oh you're like a happy meal speaking of but you know there's a mcdonald's across the street
00:53:51
so um i would love to see him a gig so i want to take you to a gay bar no
00:53:56
why not for what it's it's funny because it's like why when we go to a gay club sex isn't even in our mind it's just
00:54:03
we're at a club there happened to be gay people there well couple of drinks
00:54:19
because they feel comfortable there because they're not getting hit on listen to rudy rudy confirm
00:54:25
i haven't gone but i would go to a gay club more than a regular club because regular club would annoy you every
00:54:30
[ __ ] dude coming up to you trying to be all over you like who are you here with hear what he just said though what
00:54:36
there's gotta be dudes in there that's on a pro like him looking for you
00:54:41
oh in a gay bar yeah no yeah so you're saying there's one
00:54:47
right there there's one straight guy at a gay club there's got to be somebody no there's
00:54:53
like 20. filipino in this you know you ever heard remember ari's bit like that he went or the story about how he went and he said
00:55:00
it was like a lot of girls in here because guys i'm trying to tell you oh my goodness let's see let's see how
00:55:06
it would play out we're not going okay we're here welcome mademoiselle's gay
00:55:13
bars hey what's up doc what can i get you to drink
00:55:19
what's up you little sippy cup what's up you little tiny drink of water how you doing very well look at this little piece of
00:55:25
chocolate sauce this is my jam oh i love that i'm going to twerk
00:55:32
i'm twerking show your [ __ ] [ __ ]
00:55:37
that thing is out of shape hey what's going on here are you finally coming out a little bit more delicious
00:55:42
than that are you coming out doc is that why you're here you're coming i'm coming out i'm just here with my boys
00:55:58
okay what do you want to drink i'm the bartender what do you want to drink doc i have a pinot noir a double would you
00:56:04
want a double yeah give him a triple a triple piano i gotta be honest with you pinot noir pretty gay
00:56:13
pretty gay rudy what would you like to drink yeah
00:56:19
uh sprite okay with the purple pill i like to give
00:56:25
you oh yeah here's the purple pill all right see you tomorrow
00:56:31
[Laughter] see you tomorrow doc if you go to a gay club for real and you order a pinot
00:56:38
grigio they're you're gonna get hit on you think so you're walking around with a glass of wine in a [ __ ] night
00:56:44
regardless because i'm in there that's what i'm saying no you're not they can smell that you're not gay okay that's
00:56:49
good i understand they know they know like you're cute as [ __ ] yeah
00:56:56
all right you're going to be the [ __ ] king [ __ ] in that room big time right
00:57:02
when you walk in there they're going to hear like a little like when you say that's your [ __ ]
00:57:09
you say glimmering right yeah what is an [ __ ] glimmering in the light like you know
00:57:16
it's just a line hitting it yeah that's exactly what the sun it's yeah it's like there's like a
00:57:23
little led light in the muscle around your dick i mean your [ __ ] i mean it's spinning real
00:57:29
quick are there hemorrhoids on it
00:57:38
when you walk through that you be that you'll be there [ __ ] chocolate delight might be the belle of the ball yeah man
00:57:44
i can feel that you know yeah yeah look at it everywhere i feel that walk in the building boom
00:57:49
little little nestle toll house just walked in look at that little chocolate chip let's let's give him the purple pill
00:57:58
and then the next day what happens he wakes up in our apartment oh yeah yeah you know what happens you wake up in our
00:58:04
apartment the next day good morning good morning you want eggs you want eggs man i'm out this
00:58:09
[ __ ] don't say nothing y'all don't know what yeah wait a minute there's a child coming from your ass
00:58:16
don't need to speak i'll take care of it all right come on black just like that just told us that was your name last
00:58:21
night black magic yeah well i don't remember it yeah yeah oh [ __ ]
00:58:26
you're about to see me pull a dove out of my [ __ ] little black magic
00:58:32
okay we're gonna go you know we're have to go now tonight yes wait a minute doc
00:58:37
doc how much time can you do i could do about 35
00:58:44
i just ain't been on stage in a while so wait really when was that time you got on stage please don't make them do 35.
00:58:49
you're doing 50. about i think he'd do 20. about three weeks ago i did a show you can do 20. no 10
00:58:57
let's start with 10 and see how it goes if it's bombing [ __ ] get off but if it's doing well then let it ride i'll be
00:59:02
all right 20. regardless it'll be fun you should let him sit in it yeah he's gotta learn okay even if you're
00:59:09
bombing we keep you up there okay yeah let's go i said i guess she would be riding 411
00:59:14
since then because uh i'm not about to fight you for a dollar fourteen that ain't going down
00:59:20
matter of fact it was three ways you can't drive oh [ __ ] i didn't [ __ ] up the joy
00:59:28
god [Applause]
00:59:36
[Music]
00:59:44
y'all ready oh y'all in for a super treat right now this is my homie right here man uh met him at the comedy store
00:59:52
y'all seen him on mad tv y'all seen them
01:00:01
with no further ado let's bring to the stage my asian friend bobby
01:00:11
one more for doc willis everybody [Applause]
01:00:19
sit down man it's not my show man [Music] [Applause]
01:00:25
we we told that [ __ ] to do five [ __ ] minutes
01:00:30
he does 30 [ __ ] minutes one more time for eddie murphy give him
01:00:36
a round of applause what the [ __ ] doc what the [ __ ] right on
01:00:44
doc i told doc to do like 10 minutes
01:00:51
i forgot he was black i was like he's [ __ ] he's gonna run the light there's no
01:00:56
doubt he's like man i don't know what a clock was this right here this is a [ __ ] clock right this is a
01:01:03
clock right here this is the clock what the clock go i don't know where you put the [ __ ] client or digital
01:01:09
on [ __ ] i don't know what that [ __ ] was right there dude four feet
01:01:16
and give it up for that chocolate morsel he's the best i love him to death wonderful
01:01:21
it is what it is that that's so cocky is it yeah unbelievable
01:01:26
by the way side note you would never get hit on in a game no gay guys are going to hit on the guy wearing the tommy hilfiger
01:01:32
shirt that's not yeah style they know you're not whatever the case is i don't care huh that's a straight guy clothing
01:01:39
bracelet i don't i don't even have a problem with if a gay guy ever have you know i've never been hit on since i've been out here by a gay guy if that's
01:01:45
your problem you need to get hit on i was told by by the gate uh remember tony falcone
01:01:52
well you wouldn't know remember tony found david who was tony falcon the [ __ ] is tony
01:01:57
falcon i remember tony falcone i don't know nobody named tony falconey the gay the gay comic white dude from florida oh
01:02:04
tony no i don't know tony yeah you do you just did his goddamn accent his voice
01:02:09
i obviously don't tell him i just did a general game how was that oh okay
01:02:15
tell us the story about tony falcone uh so tony was telling me so a lot of us comics was talking about how like they
01:02:22
they got hit on by a lot of like straight comics and a couple gay comics at the store and they were saying how they get hit on
01:02:28
all the time and i was like no i said i'll never get hit on and then tony falcone said that's because gay men
01:02:34
know who's gay and who's not correct that's not true but we're correct sometimes well something yeah right but
01:02:40
or you're just not there i got three gay uncles and a gay cousin so now none of these people ever hit on me that
01:02:46
can be the name of your next album when i was when i was about 14 15 years old i did get kind of yeah what i got say it
01:02:53
whatever okay i'll tell you what happened you're molested this is when i found out my uncle was gay were you molested i don't know i mean you could
01:03:00
yeah you could consider it but
01:03:05
for sure so this is what happened right yeah okay oh probably maybe about 12 13. whatever so
01:03:11
it's gonna be brutal yeah so i feel like this is gonna be a good one my uncle was like uh hey we're going
01:03:19
to the park you want to go to the park with us and i was like yeah let's go it's all him starting off fast the two
01:03:24
dudes which i didn't know was gay because i know my uncle was gay at the time right uh-huh so we go at the park
01:03:29
we sitting in the car and the guy's playing ll cool j right i'm sitting in the car listening to the llc
01:03:35
and my uncle starts going off and he starts breakdancing and he runs back to the truck and he's like hey doc you should get out the car and dance with us
01:03:41
and then i'm like the dance with me you're not going nah man i'm sitting here listening to your let's go ahead and do your thing and then the guy
01:03:47
switched the music to like this house music like blow your house down blow your head
01:03:54
like that right yeah and then all of a sudden my uncle switched and he kicked his leg up in his air in the air and
01:04:00
caught it and inside his head and like kind of i said where the [ __ ] that move come from i'm like never danced like that in his [ __ ] life right so i just
01:04:06
was like that's weird so anyway stop stop can i just stop right so he did a leg twirl and they caught
01:04:13
his legs in a park in the park all right so he's
01:04:19
doing this [ __ ] yeah you know what i'd be doing what running home right that would scare the [ __ ] right he
01:04:25
caught his legs uncle han just did a [ __ ] wait leg twirl first of all first of all they're break dancing in
01:04:31
the park but just outside and they're like come outside and dance well we're in the truck me and the other
01:04:38
two dudes
01:04:53
so then while he's dancing the driver hand falls on my knee and i go what the [ __ ] he said how the [ __ ] he you don't
01:05:00
see him sitting in the back here so i moved his hand like okay well whatever and then so then my uncle came to the
01:05:05
truck he's like doc you should get out the ground and say man man maybe i should i said go ahead and do your thing dawg and then he starts he say look
01:05:11
let's flip because i do somersaults and [ __ ] you know backflips i'm pretty goddamn good i'm pretty good
01:05:17
i was pretty good dude why is it so little black guys can always do back
01:05:23
flips yeah yeah i'm a little athletic certainly i used to be but you don't do it at the park when your uncle tells you to
01:05:29
do it like yeah when your uncles are doing it that's when you go you know what i'm gonna chill on the [ __ ] somersaults hey knock it out the car do
01:05:36
some flips yeah that's weird man do some flips so then he's like uh there's a flip
01:05:43
flips so then while he's tumbling the guy's hand fall backs and grabs my ankle so i
01:05:49
kicked his hand and i stumped his hand and i said i tap his boil from i say man let me out the car for a second and then i get out of the car now keep in mind i
01:05:54
don't know 13 yeah 12 13. yeah so you're telling a grown adult yo man
01:06:01
don't touch me like that yeah you know you're not it didn't sound like that yeah no you're not no
01:06:07
my voice was kind of deep when i was young too so can i tell you something what happened i'm going to tell you what happened doc doc doc
01:06:13
that little berry berry uh what's his name what i'm going to tell you what happened
01:06:20
that day all right you were brutally molested by three or your family members
01:06:26
all right why did you go there yeah i tell you i'll tell you only one was his uncle only one was his uncle whatever
01:06:32
you were brutally molested by three adults no brutally no and in your twisted mind right you've come up with
01:06:38
this fantastical story backflips black flips meanwhile dude you're being [ __ ] bent
01:06:44
over behind a chevrolet just getting reamed from behind like
01:06:50
like jerry sandusky style dude that's so sad we've got to press charges let's vote
01:06:55
let everybody raise your hand do you think doc was molested raise your hand all right
01:07:12
by the way it's okay this it's fine we've all been we've all been molested
01:07:18
yeah but that's not bobby molest me yeah yeah that's not it's not that's the same i don't
01:07:23
i didn't even know molesting was that if they just touch you period that's my lesson him touching
01:07:29
your leg is it's not okay yeah that's my last name kind of yeah kind of yeah yeah you can yeah now let me ask
01:07:36
you something did your penis mix oh boy
01:07:55
what the [ __ ] is wrong with you i just told you that he just grabbed the ankle that's it so he grabbed it was that the end of the
01:08:01
story he grabbed your ankle you got out of the car and then it got out of the car you never talked about it ever again today no no no no no no so i told my
01:08:07
uncle by the way where'd it go
01:08:17
no but i'm saying i'm not making fun of what happened to you i'm not making fun of what happened here hey doc yeah all right just letting him
01:08:23
go no no one's making fun of you but also that was the end of it it was like he's not i wasn't
01:08:29
i'm just getting to the core okay oh [ __ ] there's more i knew there was there we go this is it
01:08:34
yeah so there are so many [ __ ] dick
01:08:40
never gotten to that oh it hasn't gotten to that yet hey all right doc go ahead all right
01:08:46
so michael's like hey we can go to the day house to hit the driver's house i go nah man i think we should go home he goes damn let's go to this all day all
01:08:53
right so i go we go to the house and there's stairs right they sitting on the stairs and then i'm standing on the
01:08:59
sidewalk i won't come up to the outside of the house yeah cause everybody's just sitting on the street you know because back here
01:09:06
i know so i'm sitting standing on the sidewalk and then my uncle's like what's wrong with you why are you standing over there i said man i don't even want to be over there it's like you got to chill
01:09:13
out and i said all right and i came and sat next to my uncle and then my uncle got up and he laid me no and then my
01:09:19
uncles sat on a when he sat on the stoop the guy came and laid between his legs face first and then i was like man oh
01:09:26
man what the [ __ ] and then he was like what's wrong and i was like man you don't see what he doing oh my god damn i
01:09:31
was like you don't you don't see what's going on i said man this [ __ ] is crazy then the dude was like you're a little feisty when huh and i was like man stop
01:09:38
talking [ __ ] talking to me i'm not talking to you i'm talking to my goddamn uncle we're trying to have a goddamn family moment right translate let me
01:09:43
translate he sucked them off
01:09:50
[Laughter]
01:10:01
you're a little feisty one he says he's all right let's just let's play karate then my uncle says let's play karate
01:10:08
this is insane i'm serious i'm serious all right so you start playing karate
01:10:14
now at the time i was studying too a little bit you know so i knew a little bit studying karate
01:10:20
he's studying karate that's hilarious
01:10:31
[Music] [Laughter]
01:10:42
so [Laughter]
01:10:57
duck what so my uncle's like doc you don't wanna i'm telling you and i go nah i got this huh so i get in my stance
01:11:02
right he get in his stance and then i whoop boom kicked him in the stomach what the [ __ ] he goes
01:11:07
he said oh you know a little something so then he got in this this stance and i go what the [ __ ] and i go okay i'm ready
01:11:15
and the guy [ __ ] kicks me and i tell you i [ __ ] flew i flew over the
01:11:20
[ __ ] grass hit the goddamn truck right and i hit i landed on the ground i was so [ __ ] maratino and then i ran
01:11:26
towards them like you some bit and then my uncle grabbed me and said doc i tried to tell you this motherfucker's like a third like a five degree black belt like
01:11:33
you [ __ ] don't know what you're talking with and i'm like [ __ ] why you ain't tell me dog he didn't kick me against the goddamn truck this [ __ ] is
01:11:38
preposterous and he's like calm down man i'm just trying to i'm just playing with you i'm just playing with you he said he's he said he said he said you feisty
01:11:45
you think you could pick me up i was like [ __ ] yeah i could pick you up what you mean right so he said well try to pick me up so i ran around
01:11:50
and i tried to grab his legs and pick them up and since he was like six feet he reached over and cupped me by my ass
01:11:57
and living honestly i was so [ __ ] mad bro bro bro i said what the [ __ ] and then i said oh this
01:12:04
[ __ ] man hey man take me the [ __ ] home right now and he goes what's wrong doctor cause you don't see what the [ __ ]
01:12:09
order i said man just take me home so he's like your [ __ ] no no he had the cheeks he tried to lift me like he
01:12:15
lifted me like when i had his legs like this stop [ __ ] with the kids yeah don't touch the camera but
01:12:31
that's the only thing back there when you're lifting you know i mean it's not as if like he could be touching
01:12:37
he could be touching any area of your body it just so happened you know that's where you're at
01:12:43
yeah yeah so yes it could have it my question might but the thing i'm saying is that it it's
01:12:48
probably not a physical like homosexual thing that he was doing whatever the
01:12:54
case was it don't matter i was i felt like i was violated did you go home after this yeah i was like take me back
01:13:00
to granddaddy house right did you tell granddaddy what happened can you let me found you i'm almost there tina welcome let's go go ahead so
01:13:06
then i uh hey granddaddy
01:13:12
so then i uh attempted to take me home someone goes where i was wrong i said just take me on [ __ ] this [ __ ] i'm going so i go home
01:13:19
and then he said you okay doc you you need to talk and say nah man you good just going with your boys i'll talk to you later so then i ran upstairs to my
01:13:26
cousin and i was like man i said you know i didn't want to tell um but uh the dude that we was with he was
01:13:32
grabbing on me i think that dude might be gay don't know it and then she was like you goddamn idiot we've been trying
01:13:37
to tell you he's been gay for years and you [ __ ] didn't listen to us your uncle's gay and i go what look what the
01:13:43
[ __ ] got it i said the guy so you mean tell me him and that guy's together she go i said oh that's why he laid between him yeah you
01:13:50
goddamn that's why you suck that's why you sucked them up dude you're gay
01:13:55
doctor all those years i've been kissing uncle mouth and penis and he's gay when i say hi kiss him on the tip of the
01:14:01
penis you're telling me the one i smooch at night you tell me uncle's gay but this is
01:14:08
important for all especially like if you got any black listeners or anybody to hear this story it's good for your podcast because okay
01:14:15
after that all right this guy's i get he come back home later and i cuss him
01:14:21
out man wait wait till you out here you know pillow biting whatever the [ __ ] i'm pissed i'm like man what's going on with
01:14:28
you rubble block cause you know i was [ __ ] angry right you were mad at me he said then he said hello
01:14:34
you know you know if you fail oh i guess you probably like the pillow maybe you might pillow i don't know what you was
01:14:40
of the pit pillow because of the pain of the butthole i guess so that's what i was that's what you're saying that's what i
01:14:46
was saying so don't think i'm not true when a gay guy his buttholes are pain yeah yeah they bite i think
01:14:52
women do too you know what i'm saying i've never seen that but okay sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry about that jewelry don't touch sorry don't ever touch her again
01:14:58
don't ever [ __ ] talk about it just not did you see that [ __ ] yeah i'm not happy whatever she's a good girl yeah you are
01:15:05
sick anyway uh we're sick you're out here with break dancing karate kicking sucking dick in the park
01:15:11
and i'm the weirdo yeah so it finished so granddaddy and cuz he starts so he i submit he starts crying
01:15:18
he says because you're the only one that never turned your back on me and i go god damn
01:15:23
it and to this day we still best we still cooled in a [ __ ] man now i'm saying like
01:15:30
one and even sometimes i remember one time he was like no nobody i was talking to him and he was like uh
01:15:35
you're the only family member that didn't turn on him because when he came out as gay everyone else shunned him yeah yeah at first everybody was like
01:15:41
but when you found out he was gay and you came to this realization i had a hard time with it at first you still but
01:15:47
you still stuck with him because you love him yeah and then i just like this is good because he was the only one that brought me around the willis family i
01:15:53
didn't he was the only one that would let me stay with my grandmother my grandfather's house so i could be around all the willis the grandkids that my
01:15:59
father wasn't wasn't around like that what are you talking about willis you'd say [ __ ] it don't go too far but
01:16:04
but you know what i'm saying but even one time he was talking to me about and he said you know doc i'm proud of
01:16:10
myself i said why that he said you know i i've been with one dude i've been complete completely monogamous and he
01:16:16
said i feel and i was like it's kind of weird because i ain't know what to say because i was like well i guess that's good i can't get pregnant
01:16:22
or something like that i i didn't know what to say it was like [ __ ] that's one of the awkward but i said just say
01:16:27
congratulations well hold up hold up and then he says doc when we talk when i talk to you about these dude this stuff
01:16:33
bothered me i said no honk i said this it's something you you go through and that it's your life so say talk about it
01:16:38
always talk don't never feel uncomfortable so he said okay doc cause he said you know you're the only one that's been listening so you know that's
01:16:44
the thing man like that that's great podcast always don't do that at the end you just [ __ ] it up it was so nice
01:16:52
that's amazing though yeah it's because because you're a good human with a good heart you care about the people not about all the other [ __ ] yeah i don't
01:16:59
like the [ __ ] one like like misleading them or like i know i don't like when people i had i had
01:17:05
another uncle who i used to fight for all right how much more time are we going to give this guy out the show okay
01:17:11
all right you have another okay you have another gay uncle yeah
01:17:17
i got two more it seems like yeah i just don't think it runs in the family yeah something's going on you
01:17:23
have three games you have three gay uncles yeah three games i don't have a single gay cousin or gay
01:17:28
uncle just fyi well you do but that you just it just it didn't exist what do you mean
01:17:33
everyone has a gay family member obviously they don't say yeah i'm the guy you think i'm the guy in the family could be yeah
01:17:40
you think i am [ __ ] you [ __ ] wait wait wait why why why [ __ ] you [ __ ]
01:17:46
yeah bye you're bi for sure yeah okay but no but that being said that you everybody has a gay member in their
01:17:52
family yeah they just maybe people don't talk about it huh do you have one yeah
01:17:59
yeah i know oh you're that you're it who knows you know so funny grown up i had a gay
01:18:05
uncle ira i had this this really good-looking jewish guy and we're not jewish so he's not white
01:18:12
he wasn't my uncle what's he she's a family friend but we called him uncle ira yeah but i got old enough and i was
01:18:18
like that gay jewish guy is not my uncle my dad was like we're not jewish
01:18:23
oh look at you you [ __ ] map of iron [ __ ] potato farming piece of [ __ ] you
01:18:28
think we're jew i was like i thought he was our uncle somehow he's like who was he married to i was like one of those guys they're
01:18:34
always hanging out with i didn't know he was my gay uncle ira but i didn't i had no idea when i was a kid i didn't know
01:18:40
he was just good-looking and it worked out all the time had a bunch of [ __ ] really good-looking guy friends my gay uncle ira
01:18:46
to be honest it was a wonderful doc that it just showed your true character you're a good egg doc yeah you are that
01:18:52
was true cause you really cared about the person yeah yeah uh doc um you take us out and say thank you for being a bad
01:18:57
friend thank you for being a bad friend [Music]
