00:00:00
hey um I got some dates coming up I'm filming my special in Denver September 24th also I'm going to be in Salt Lake
00:00:06
City uh September 9 and 10 then I'm doing Bray on the 13th I'm doing Minneapolis and Madison Wisconsin 1617
00:00:13
then September 24th I'll be in Denver filming my special the Paramount Theater go to andrewsantino.com for those
00:00:18
tickets andrewsantino.com for those tickets you two are friends who are these two idiots
00:00:27
[Music] we're bad friends why are you got beef with Carlos I don't have any beef with them dude well why do you have carnitas with him I don't even know what whatever
00:00:39
it is yeah yeah yeah I got moist pork with them man welcome back to the show Juju
00:00:47
Juju juicy Johnson I mean I don't wanna I don't wanna tout but um we're really helping you out huh
00:00:58
out of town but I think you're touting yeah yeah I'm telling let me tout a little bit yeah he beat out
00:01:04
now you start off with 13 000 you know followers on Instagram which is pretty noble what are we
00:01:10
talking right now before now she's at 43.9 that's really let me say this if our fans don't get her to a hundred by the end of the year we're stopping the show yeah we'll quit the show yeah it'll be
00:01:21
good friends it'll be it'll be different with Rick Glassman and Eric Griffin and it's not and it won't be a good show it
00:01:28
won't be a good show well they won't talk to each other the whole time yeah yeah no let me say something so we got the 44 almost right
00:01:34
and then um you're gonna open for Andrew yeah yes we're gonna be doing Salt Lake City together jet ski said yes over the
00:01:40
phone September 9 and 10 we're doing four shows two Friday two Saturday Salt Lake City come see me and your boo jet
00:01:48
ski juicy Johnson and what else happened I got a commercial agent thank you to Bobby no I didn't do it you know he
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called me he called me and he told me he was like I think I'm gonna get her a commercial agent yeah I was like really
00:02:00
I was like how are you gonna do that and he goes I I have my ways and then he hung up the phone like a creepy little
00:02:05
Asian Oracle yeah but it worked I blew him you're I gave Lawrence her a [ __ ] for you to get in really yeah yeah when I was on the casting couch for you if you could pick any commercial to go out
00:02:16
for right now what what campaign would you want to do um bad friends no no no real one a real
00:02:23
one commercial yeah um what about like uh Verizon thing from Verizon you could be the new guy I
00:02:29
wonder like a car commercial oh which kind of what car company I would do like uh like it would be sick to do like a
00:02:36
Lamborghini or like literally I've never seen it but Let's do let's do the Lamborghini yeah they don't do car commercials uh but pitch me
00:02:43
uh pitch me a Lamborghini go ahead let's see well I think the commercial is set up the commercial scenario again she has
00:02:48
to set it up if she wants us that bad you got to tell me what what it is okay I'm the valet driver I have experience
00:02:54
doing that so I could fit the rule and uh and uh you you uh play the rich guy okay so you toss me I'm not in the commercial my boss and so you're like park the cars oh I'm
00:03:08
another valet driver I have another compelling just so let's get that clear ly do the car parking too I know but you know I'll be the guy you'd be the rich guy fine I'll be the vet I'll be the Mexican valet driver okay ready yeah
00:03:28
hey hey it's your turn all right I got this all right hey uh how you doing good good is this uh is this valet for the Foot Spa yep just
00:03:41
leave your keys in the car and uh he'll show you take it I got it thank you this is a Jeep I'm sorry yeah let's start over start
00:03:52
over yeah I forgot we're actually yeah hey you broke this one hey is this the valet from Yoshinoya
00:04:05
sure is sick leave her close got it and then I go this is the commercial I go hey where are you going and she's just driving into the sunset and then Lamborghini yeah oh that's cool yeah
00:04:19
lamborghina have you ever wanted to steal it that's a good commercial right right good enough to steal we're all in it we all
00:04:48
get a Lamborghini do we all get a Lamborghini yeah yeah five it's my commercial yeah pull that money close to
00:04:53
your face I can't hear you I keep slipping oh seriously yeah yeah but which one I'll have to pick it based on the commercials oh so we we could be going
00:05:09
to [ __ ] Ruth Chris how many times we're going to Outback Steakhouse and that's a fact yeah
00:05:15
Outback okay so um you know what I I found a different maybe nickname for you because I think you you have a Diane
00:05:22
Keaton kind of energy yeah you said that yeah so what about this I yeah no I really do yeah look at little Lottie dog I like that one yes I'm still
00:05:37
gonna call you juicy yeah me too for the record yeah but la di da is gonna exist yeah that's really that's really
00:05:43
thoughtful and cool thank you juicy by Lady da Yeah by Juicy I like that have you guys
00:05:51
ever thought of getting a fragrance because I wonder what your fragrance was oh dude I'm working on one with H3 do
00:05:56
you know that with Ethan Klein yeah they have a fragrance thing yeah they do yeah what's yours gonna smell like well can I
00:06:03
tell you what it's called one two three noodles no no do noodles have a smell noodles smell delicious are you out of your mind yeah I've never smelled a noodle though I eat them you've never smelled noodles you smell them first and
00:06:15
then eat them yes the steam that's wafting off of noodles when they're cooked is so good two things I don't smell rice steamed rice or noodles
00:06:21
because you just inhale them so let me explain to you that's how you eat yeah let me explain
00:06:28
why is the slurping such a big deal in Asia it's a huge deal is so gross I hate it you just see it
00:06:35
when they suck dick what do they do oh really yeah it's like a large it's a yogurt yeah yeah
00:06:44
yeah slurping and belching during meal are acceptable as long as these are considered limits to the quality of the
00:06:49
food right but the slurping is so so if I was gonna ask you to describe the smell of a noodle please do okay yeah uh
00:06:59
ready I've been crested crested Sunshine laying over a tiny Hill as wheat waves in the Wind my wife my son my dog and my friend
00:07:13
walk slowly through a field what the [ __ ] is Sunflower Hemingway novel yeah no I want what the [ __ ] does it smell like that's what it smells like in my [ __ ] head now if you were gonna describe a smell of an alien race comes
00:07:27
down beep up why do noodles smell like Asian fingers there you go and that's to the point well my cologne is called bird flu
00:07:41
so it comes in a a blue bird bottle but the bird's dead so it's got x's on his eyes right and the smell is going to be lychee fruit and some woodsy smell like a oak
00:07:56
oh I like that like a woodsy lychee kind of fruit okay yeah I can't wait to smell
00:08:01
it it's gonna be great I don't know yeah what's your cologne what would mine be called yeah and what would it smell like
00:08:07
my cologne would be called um cirrhosis and it would smell like whiskey what's a
00:08:15
bottle look like huh I'm I'm at [ __ ] Sephora and I go to the lady oh where's your cirrhosis
00:08:21
oh which you want the summer or the winter Edition I want the summer Edition serosis comes in a little Tombstone yeah
00:08:28
yeah open the tombstone now it has my smell in there and whoa and it's whiskey and the smell of skin rotting to a chair oh that's pretty good nice pretty good
00:08:39
what's your cologne perfume perfume probably like open wound oh what does it smell look like first uh it looks like a
00:08:53
um it looks like a glass box of tampons and it's very pretty good very good yeah yeah and
00:09:04
it smells like roses yeah and menstrual blood oh yum yum yum yum love it's so funny to look over at the boys at Pete and Carlos and they both are going they're nodding
00:09:16
off yeah that's the smell that people want to smell does that [ __ ] that's what [ __ ] smells like to me roses roses
00:09:24
and menstrual blood like a combo the way that you don't smell noodles or rice I don't smell [ __ ] I can't smell anything
00:09:29
you really smell nothing nothing that's amazing nothing what about butthole I know where I'm at once I get to the butthole I know where I'm at right have you ever licked a butthole thingy was
00:09:45
the [ __ ] like you went too deep down can I tell you something yeah no yeah you have yeah because I closed my eyes but but you know you know which one's on
00:10:02
I don't know what directionally I am are you guys able to move them yeah you switch them I can't what a
00:10:10
trick they could play on us yeah like can the uh butthole kind of go to the taint a little bit Yeah can it move yeah
00:10:15
can you shift it okay there is like a Runway there's a Runway I'm trying to do it right now yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the runway is like Hong Kong It's gotta
00:10:22
get land between the buildings it's a tiny little Runway between the butthole and the [ __ ] but can you just squeeze tight and what if you got surgery to
00:10:29
make them right right on top of each other what do you mean if they cut out the tank and made it even closer I
00:10:35
wouldn't want that no you know how funny no that's still it's the you wouldn't like to do that number one yeah I would hate to be your roommate
00:10:45
[ __ ] them all I was like wow it's movie night yeah no I wouldn't want that you wouldn't want it it's just too smells you're gonna be too close together it
00:11:00
would create a singular smell imagine if they Blended and they Blended well much like bird flu what if the smell of
00:11:06
lychee and the woods is similar we tested the smell already this is a real clinical thing we're doing it well I
00:11:13
call it bird flu I just think it's funny you know what I mean it's gonna Sell It might smell you know what it's gonna
00:11:18
smell but what I'm saying is that we don't know what the combination of smell is going to do so I'd rather get the
00:11:25
smell smell it first and then get the operation you don't want to get the operation before you know what it smells like I think put the card before the
00:11:31
horse I think we figured we caught we I think you you put the [ __ ] operation into play and hope that thing smells
00:11:37
good and if it doesn't what happens big [ __ ] deal then we move on with your life oops oops and it might sell more
00:11:44
yeah maybe yeah you have a car freshener in your car no but I want to get one because I had in and out today with
00:11:51
Daniel we ate in the car and my car smelled really bad what was your order uh this the number two combo number two
00:11:57
is a double double no onion is Daniel um jealous that you're funnier than him and talk about that
00:12:09
I'm kidding he's very funny he's so funny oh he doesn't watch the show you Daniel [ __ ] he's a funny guy I was just
00:12:15
trying to be mean so you guys had in and out in the car you didn't want to eat it outside we had a long drive back so from
00:12:21
where a wedding shower in Seal Beach oh sorry sorry a wedding shower yeah what does that mean you celebrated them was
00:12:27
it a baby shower I don't know the word for it so it's they're they're well don't make it up that's what it said it
00:12:33
was called a wedding shower oh it was okay yeah it was it was like a celebration because we're not gonna go
00:12:39
to the wedding because it's like in another state but you did go to a wedding oh it's a wedding for poor people it's a wedding
00:12:45
for like the celebration before Bobby what you're right it is true though it is yeah yeah it's for your poor friends for your poor friends yeah like me yeah okay I get it so they go hey just
00:12:56
realized where are we going today where is the wedding at another state I don't know you don't
00:13:01
give a [ __ ] you already did this but did you give them a gift yeah in the registry I'm gonna I haven't yet well you have a year yeah what do you think
00:13:08
you're planning on getting them um I don't know I go on the registry and I'm just gonna find the cheapest thing
00:13:13
no the coolest thing like I saw like ceramic bowls but I'm like that seems like a boring gift but they put it on
00:13:19
the registry so they must want it I think people might just put stuff on a registry because they think they're supposed to yeah how much is it 40 bucks
00:13:27
great they got it done yeah they'll love it what's the most expensive thing in the registry I don't know do you have it
00:13:33
available for us to look at uh I could send you the link but I have to get my phone but it's it's because I
00:13:39
kind of want to look at it and I think we should buy it in the most expensive thing on there that would be awesome that'd be cool for her and we buy it yeah let me think about it we're gonna
00:13:46
buy it I don't know him if ceramic bowls are 40 I don't think they're [ __ ] Registries I know can I just said something with Eric Griffin I still
00:13:52
haven't bought anything and can I say something I probably not you know why why we went to the wedding oh that's
00:13:58
true we went all the way there yeah yeah that's true if I'm gonna go all the way to your wedding where where were we I
00:14:03
don't no more honestly nowhere nowhere I have no idea yeah yeah it was like Guardians of the Galaxy nowhere
00:14:10
if we went all the way there yeah that was our gift um go back to that that's what that's
00:14:15
that's exactly where that's where his wedding is yeah nowhere go to that other page real fast so look at this erecto vaginal fistula is an abnormal connection between the lower
00:14:26
portion of your large intestine and your rectum in your vagina look at this bowel contents leak through the fistula
00:14:31
allowing gas are still to pass through your vagina you can actually poop out of your puss I mean it has been a dream
00:14:37
I feel bad with women that have Crohn's disease why because sometimes they get poo in their [ __ ] well that's what
00:14:44
that was I know well what about men who have Crohn's disease they don't have [ __ ] it's in the dick they can poop
00:14:50
on their penis I bet inside does it come out what if you're dude if your wiener could fart how you wouldn't hear it the
00:14:56
hole's too small no it'll be late it'd be like this yeah mine would go mine would go
00:15:07
mine will go there'll be juice wedding wedding Registries are absolutely insane they're insane
00:15:18
inappropriate but we're gonna buy the most expensive thing on here we're gonna do it but it's cool if I ever get married I'm gonna get married in a place
00:15:24
where people can't afford to go so they don't go I'll go wherever I know that's why I know you'll go yeah right but she
00:15:30
won't go no what if we fly her no I'll fly you please don't invite it don't don't fly her I'm Gonna Fly her no
00:15:36
because I'm gonna do one of those [ __ ] shower weddings oh I think belly room okay good I'll do a shower wearing
00:15:42
at the belly room one night I'm already there right they go yay you know what I mean do a spot go upstairs yeah go I'll
00:15:48
just do one yay and then they'll clap and then I'm out do you want to tell me what you called me about last night in
00:15:54
the middle of the night you don't have to say it what was it what I don't remember who gave you a gift last night oh I could say it let's talk about it
00:16:05
because Bobby called me we both had sets back to back in the store but anyway I got yeah how do you say it hold on let
00:16:11
me set this up yeah I will say and I mean this yeah you know we're gonna look back I'm being can I be genuine for two minutes yeah we're gonna look back in a decade
00:16:22
and we're gonna go man remember how fun it was those nights at the store when I would
00:16:27
bring you one or you'd bring me on yeah and I'm I'm being genuine when I say this I mean this from my heart yeah it's
00:16:33
the most fun I've ever had in my life as a comedian is when you and I are having fun and we bring each other on yeah and
00:16:38
the energy is good and the show is good and I mean it you're gonna look back when you're [ __ ] old and done and
00:16:44
you're gonna go that was the time of our life I'm serious I mean here's why I said
00:16:51
what I said though all right is is that I don't know why but it's always me after you and you always kill so hard you want the best Comics but you kill so hard and
00:17:03
then what you do is you play trickery on stage no yeah yeah you do no I bring you
00:17:09
one I say no you don't no you don't you do this [ __ ] you say my name right and
00:17:14
then you'll pretend to leave yeah you'll go in the audience yeah well I'm telling my jokes you're still like in the
00:17:20
audience audience standing up getting claps for yourself I gotta shake the Fan's hands I know then you come back up on stage something you want me back up
00:17:26
there I know and I don't like it well I'm gonna keep doing it because it means the world's all right
00:17:33
if it gives you I'm sure the stage of my best friend so assuming I'm having a blast if it gives you Joy then do it you
00:17:38
know how people run the light at the Oscars and they play the music and all that I don't like it I love it
00:17:44
yeah you do [ __ ] the [ __ ] them [ __ ] the time [ __ ] you by the way you oh they
00:17:49
play off music no let me say in my [ __ ] until let me say though this is my moment in the Sun but you have to
00:17:55
understand this all right if you look at the lineup right it's hard hitters before me it's a sold out room it's
00:18:01
packed in the main room right and it's like you guys are killing and I just kind of want to go up and do the same
00:18:08
you know me but then I have to deal with other elements I don't like that yeah you but I help you a lot of times I
00:18:13
don't think it's a help they laugh for you they laugh with us okay if you say so so let's say about the what did I do last night well because I begged you on my hands and knees i s but
00:18:24
what did I say I said he's my best friend my best friend on Earth that was perfect I bowed and I walked
00:18:30
away why'd you bow yeah you did I bowed it's racist how because now I bowed yeah I don't keep
00:18:38
out first and I'm like in front of a pack room and I go I'm gonna have to bow yeah is
00:18:43
bowing racist I don't think so look that up how was that that's a sign of respect nothing even came up yes oh nothing came
00:18:48
up all right so bow then fine yeah yeah yeah yeah but don't do the gong like you did okay
00:18:55
first of all the gong is too much they loved it I know but then you grab the mic in the back and go I don't like that that's your calling card it's true it is a thing you know
00:19:06
how they put Batman symbol in the sky yeah yeah yeah yeah okay it's almost if you float down all
00:19:12
right out of thin air that's your Beetlejuice Beetlejuice beetlejuice okay so um should we talk about what happened the bizarre thing that happened last
00:19:18
night yeah so you call me on the phone to talk about the spot all right so um I'll just say it I don't know how to get into it but um it's a good thing it's a great thing and I'm I almost I cried
00:19:30
almost I know you got emotional on the phone I got emotional so what happened was I show up at the store and
00:19:36
a bunch of people come up to me goes Leslie Jones is looking for you so I go um because I let me just say this
00:19:43
beforehand um I've known her for a very long time I've had a deep relationship with her I
00:19:49
love her so much same I'm so happy for her success she's such a great performer and a great actress whatever so whatever
00:19:58
so funny to be like so genuine what whatever it didn't know what word to use that's
00:20:03
fine okay whatevs whatevs is that better yeah so they go she's looking for you and I'm like I think I'm in trouble
00:20:09
already right because I have to I felt some friction in the last year between you
00:20:15
and her yeah yeah I felt some friction in the last year and I didn't know where it was coming from and um it kind of hurt me you know
00:20:23
when I would see her we wouldn't log eyes we'd avoid each other you know and I I was like well this is [ __ ] weird but
00:20:29
it is what it is so last night she comes up to me and she gives me a bottle of wine you know she
00:20:36
doesn't know I'm sober but and she gave me a letter and the letter read something to the
00:20:43
effect of I have it in my house um thank you for supporting me over the years I love you um it's just something about I'm glad you're in my life and all that stuff
00:20:54
and [Music] um she gave me some money there was a check right yeah which I'm not gonna you don't
00:21:01
need to talk about it yeah I'm not gonna but it's pretty but she was I'm not gonna catch it in but she was thinking I'm gonna frame actually the the letter
00:21:07
and the and the check yeah you can always get it no I'm not gonna just cash it and then say can I have it back
00:21:13
no it's fine but I just that that moment was like and she kissed me in the cheek
00:21:19
I nearly almost cried and I um you know I I could see her trying to um change I don't know what it is I don't know what's going she's going through but it really meant a lot to me well it's great maybe she maybe the time when
00:21:33
you thought she was being weird or she was going through something else and you didn't know we don't know what people go through you know what I mean but it was a really nice gesture and um that's why
00:21:40
I called you shout out to Les yeah shout out to Leslie she's the best she's always had a crush on me
00:21:45
really yeah ask her I can't imagine that her and I yeah what are you talking about she would tell to be top she'd be top no no no no there's no rolling around
00:21:58
you roll around she's top we'd roll around yeah and you're on your stomach cute I mean can you imagine she's
00:22:04
pulling me from the back yeah and there's tears it's called the doorbell yeah yeah and then oh I'm crying oh
00:22:10
you're crying for sure well and then you know one day we'll get married and then her and I will have a registry and you'll have to buy the most expensive thing that I put on there and now a word
00:22:17
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seven boxes and three free gifts hellofresh America's number one meal kit I can't imagine what your register is going to be when me and Leslie Jones get married yeah I can't imagine that what
00:24:54
would it be I don't want to go there because um yeah you don't you know I mean that's a trick question
00:25:01
well let's look at this registry we obviously can't show the photos I've seen that guy before we're not going to show the picture of the say their names
00:25:07
uh okay let's see what they got though oh when it says sort by do most expensive price high to low whoa whoa
00:25:13
yeah yeah I didn't even go there short Buy price high to low all right here we go 600 what is that Oklahoma whatever
00:25:21
that thing is Highland Reserve flow it's a it is a it's a it looks like a fantastic meth lab
00:25:27
like a high-tech doesn't that look like a high-tech meth lab you know what Bobby Because of Your Love of Animals you
00:25:33
should get the litter robot 3 connect that's a cat it's like a cat house oh let's get that what is it it's a cat
00:25:38
it's for the litter or there's there's they want a three-ply stainless steel cookware set huge yeah they want travel
00:25:44
bags obviously because they want to travel they need two of them uh they and then it's close and then
00:25:49
it's then it's always Furniture it's always Furniture it's always Furniture so let's go back to the top one because Bobby's interested in that so do you
00:25:54
want to buy the 600 Oklahoma Joe's Highland Reserve flows 879 square inch black horizontal well since I don't know
00:26:00
them at all let's get the second thing you want to get them the cat yeah because I like cats okay
00:26:05
bye now oh my God yeah let's buy that that's cool but this is from you yeah so how are we gonna do it are we going to
00:26:12
use our credit card yeah okay Sheila they listen to this podcast okay there we go oh well then [ __ ] they're
00:26:18
gonna know what they're gonna get there yeah yeah but that's exciting that is exciting do they need like a mat or
00:26:23
anything like that all right Carlos slow the [ __ ] out Carlos yeah he's like they want the super one right the the oversized
00:26:30
what color do they want they didn't say huh litter robot let's get the black yeah black is cool yeah the black one
00:26:37
looks tight it looks dope oh it's gray whatever it is get that are they big cat people they must be with a litter box
00:26:44
like that that's a sick litter that's almost unnecessary but I like it I like it a lot it's like from Star Wars whoa
00:26:49
look at that that does look like a Star Wars yeah [Laughter] it almost as if they wouldn't know to go in there well yeah it looks a little deceiving yeah it looks a little ominous
00:27:03
can you imagine we pay 600 for this thing and the cat that never uses it they'll never use it no is that a bad
00:27:08
idea what if we get in the barbecue the barber does it come with the white girl I buy it then she got that white girl that'd be great
00:27:15
go to details scroll over to the right it says to the right there it's go up it says stop scooping cat litter forever
00:27:21
while giving your kitty a clean bed of litter forever for each use a better litter box for everyone white girl not
00:27:27
included wow there it is I guess they don't she doesn't come oh the white oh [ __ ] they're just saying white girls can use it too
00:27:33
okay though she's waiting to get in oh she's next yeah she's oh that she's waiting is that what she's taking a picture she's like get out of my house
00:27:39
[ __ ] she doesn't look upset scoot over [ __ ] she's sitting like she's holding
00:27:45
in the [ __ ] yeah yeah white girls always sit like that oh they do yeah and what is that called you know
00:27:51
crisscross applesauce we used to call it Indian style you can't say that anymore why not well
00:27:56
no no no no let's let's address that okay I'm continuing to say Indian style you're on a show about Native Americans okay crisscross
00:28:09
yeah crisscross Indian style look that was a way to sit on the floor legs crossed now a popular phrase used is
00:28:14
crisscross applesauce Indian style is considered offensive in 2021 well 2022 so I guess it's not offensive anymore
00:28:19
but no but Indians but let me just say though it's not like it's it's not a term that's making fun of them though it's just a cool way of sitting yeah yeah it's like you know if like you know
00:28:31
sitting like like I'll just you know you know how Asians like to break everything Asians like to sit like this well you crouch yeah Asians
00:28:43
love to crouch that sounds awesome Asian stuff but see but Asian style has been used to describe like a version of food like it's good like and like like a
00:28:56
Buffalo Wild Wings is like Asian style that's like a cool thing to have oh so back in the day you think natives like
00:29:02
in Indian style was a way that people killed them like let's kill some native skin Indian style what if they made him
00:29:08
get it what if they made him sit down crisscross applesauce while they killed him oh yeah oh then okay see just cross
00:29:13
apple see you gotta think about it so long but okay crisscross applesauce what's a quicker way to say cross-legged
00:29:19
crisscross but crisscross was a great group we don't know oh that's right yeah yeah
00:29:25
okay you know what I mean are those prescription yes wow that's cool so do you wear contacts
00:29:31
ever or no no oh just those I just wear these I love it someday I'm gonna yeah yeah what do you mean get Lasik I get no like I get really attached to
00:29:42
things I don't know if you guys get like that like these shoes I got right when I started working at the store and I'm gonna wear them out same with these
00:29:49
glasses like I'll wear it until they fall off my face but I don't get attached to stuff
00:29:54
you do a little bit oh I get it romantically involved yeah you like stuff yeah yeah I get like there's like
00:30:00
there's a personal like I remember there was a car that I drove from La out of San Diego and I moved to La it was a
00:30:06
truck and I remember um I was going I was opening for men C on the road and I parked at the airport
00:30:13
and it was like on its last leg once I parked it I know it's dead that was it that was it so I remember being in the park that parking lot at LAX looking at
00:30:23
it and I remember weeping oh yeah I relate to that because of all the experience I had with that [ __ ] truck
00:30:29
that truck saved my [ __ ] life I don't have any attachment to things the whole house down tonight as long as nobody I loved was inside of it I don't give up there's not socks or any pair of shoes or does nothing not one I mean
00:30:41
this when I say this yeah if my house caught on fire and no one I loved is inside of it yeah I don't I wouldn't
00:30:46
even think I would be like what's the insurance gonna pay out what are we gonna get really I couldn't care less
00:30:52
what about like what about this what about like I've never had I've never had a home you know how you had a home I
00:30:57
broke my mom's heart one time when I said my our house uh doesn't feel like a home it feels like a house and she
00:31:03
[ __ ] couldn't because I I've never felt at home so I just like things in places I don't
00:31:10
uh time I really cherish yeah moments of time I'm super um what's that word uh when you get
00:31:17
sentimental about the past or the moments in time um nostalgic nostalgic super nostalgic dude but honestly I
00:31:24
don't know I just don't like you grew up in a home your home yeah but there's things that mean stuff like for instance
00:31:30
I was at a a meeting once right and this old-timer not a million times but this old timer his name was Chris he got his birthday cake and he had like 40 years of sobriety right and I was a newcomer
00:31:42
right any any and he took a candle off of the cake and he gave it to me and he goes this candle is yours I hope you stay sober and I put that candle in my pocket I still have that candle didn't
00:31:55
stay sober though that sure didn't work you guys got to make a better wish it didn't work but I still have the candle it doesn't mean so much to me I know what you mean in fact okay okay so I I have small things like that but they're
00:32:07
very rare like um my dad gave me a stone are you being real I swear to God yeah a little tiny Stone he gave one to me and my sister one year for some reason and he had some of the great Limerick behind it but I
00:32:20
just liked it a lot and I kept it in my pocket for every time I did stand up for years and years where's the stone it's
00:32:26
gone where is it where is it I threw it away I got tired of it oh so you don't have it no I do have it it's in my desk
00:32:32
drawer yeah I got a dragonfly from my mom in my pocket look at that and I bring it on stage or anywhere I go like oh it's a similar so if I stole that that would bum you out she'd fight yeah
00:32:45
you're like I can detach but I do yeah I like no yeah I like the stone is in my desk drawer in my house it sits in my desk and it's in the very front of it I know
00:32:55
where it is I just it's very rare because it's just very rare that I have those things can I tell you the most
00:33:02
precious thing I have me no aside from that um you roll your eyes yeah you don't
00:33:10
think I'm one of the most precious things in your life absolutely not are you [ __ ] serious I enjoy it you enjoy me yeah I enjoy you
00:33:18
you don't think I bring ultimate levels of joy and and nuance and comedy and I believe you meet certain people at
00:33:23
certain times for certain reasons and you're a part of that schematic okay so give me what's precious to you okay so 20 years ago my mom
00:33:34
she was in tears and she goes in Korean she said basically I can't speak English that
00:33:40
well right and I don't know how to write in English right and I I've never been expressed to you
00:33:48
how I felt about you right but I wrote it in Korean and when I die get it translated it's a two-page letter written in Korean do you have it
00:33:58
I have it in my house and I haven't gotten a Transit because he's obviously still alive but I'm I'm I'm I will get
00:34:05
it translated can I tell you something what what if it said [ __ ] you you're the worst yeah yeah I really
00:34:11
think in my heart yeah you should never translate it but just get it framed why because there's something great about
00:34:18
the unknown it's almost like you'll it's like the chase is better than the kill it's like the idea of not knowing means
00:34:25
more than knowing for some reason like you'll know what it means by the feeling you have for it more so than the direct
00:34:31
translation because look what happens look what happens in English dear Bobby I'm gone now take care uh of Stevie
00:34:37
goodbye and in Korean you know yes so it doesn't sound as pretty right it would be the reverse though but
00:34:48
yeah you're right it just doesn't sound as pretty right so and you know it's going to be because there's because we're Lost in Translation will happen
00:34:54
with Korean to English yeah so it'll read so weird it would yeah you're right it won't happen I miss you I will
00:34:59
Bobby's son mine yeah yeah it'll just be [ __ ] annoying you're right so I think
00:35:04
don't get a transition I'll frame it frame it yeah and let it live in your house for the rest of your life oh my God yeah do you have anything like that
00:35:12
no I I don't have nothing like that I know when my dad um had to take care of his dad's funeral
00:35:19
uh and everything it was so messy that he's like given me his card to his financial he's like when when I when I die just call this guy he's got like the
00:35:30
business card all right I don't want it to be a mess for you oh wow so he has it all taken care of that's what he says I
00:35:37
don't yeah I'm like why he constantly tells me out like I'll be fine when he's dead I'm like I don't want to choose I
00:35:44
know it's because his dad left often with such a mess to like take care of oh see that's not fair will he leave money
00:35:50
you think he he all the time like yeah like oh how much do you think how much do you think I have no idea is he rich I think so but he's so Frugal that like I have
00:36:03
no he was a rocket scientist he's retired oh wow he's gotta have a lot of money but like he didn't want to go to a
00:36:09
show in North Carolina because he was worried about the two drink minimum but I think that was wow
00:36:15
right because it's like no one tells me to drink two drinks I'm drinking four but you don't tell me to drink two yeah
00:36:20
yeah that's how people at the store they're like why is there a two drink minimum and you're like you had seven drinks yeah yeah what the [ __ ] you what
00:36:27
are you talking about yeah you were gonna get wasted anyway and also oh I don't drink fine then you just buy two waters or whatever or when you come put
00:36:33
somebody on the list and they ask that bro dude I had friends I put them on the list and then like why do we have to take two drinks okay you this is a 30
00:36:39
dollar ticket [ __ ] well you know what I do you know what I do now to not deal with that anymore I usually tell the tell the servers yeah I say hey you know
00:36:47
at Comics tab like give the comics discount because they're my table and just put it on my credit card yep well
00:36:52
that's what you do yeah because I don't want to [ __ ] deal with it yeah yeah and so that way when they're drunk and annoying I can be like go get you guys
00:36:59
have to okay you leave now oh yeah or or the word says you get a call me plus one
00:37:04
and then right before you go on we're here but it's 15 other people yeah no yeah yeah and then you're like what you
00:37:11
don't get in yeah you don't know then I have to go to the [ __ ] what's it sold out but what can we do it's so annoying it's so annoying by the
00:37:18
way we had some guests the last one I saw you know wreck was there with dumbfounded oh yeah who's Rick oh you
00:37:24
don't no uh-uh that was who was with me in beef who played with me and beef he was with dumbfounded did you meet did
00:37:30
you go say hi to them I did so that was the guy that replaced me on beef he didn't replace you
00:37:37
my enemy he played you no it was that him that was wreck right yeah I'm glad I had a good set he's the [ __ ] man no I wanted to show him he's
00:37:48
not a stand-up it doesn't matter first of all he loves you I had to show him okay he loves you I know and what kind
00:37:54
of show though you can show how good you are you're a great comic everybody [ __ ] knows that's why he went to see you yeah yeah he thinks you're incredible it does shake his hand I
00:38:01
didn't good I did it I did it I kind of gave him a pound and a walk by such a grudge I love
00:38:06
it you hold a grudge I love it well that's my energy is it it's what keeps me up it's what keeps me going is that energy it's like me I'll show you I'll
00:38:17
show you yeah yeah I'll show you what happens when you run out of people to show oh I make them up
00:38:22
[Laughter] I make up people I really do I'll go who's the guy you know countless Studies
00:38:29
have shown yeah holding grudges and keeping negative feelings is bad for your mental health
00:38:34
I know you know what's gonna happen to you what you're gonna have a psychotic break no I'm not yes you are let me ask
00:38:41
you something let's be real because you you have your ear in the the local comedy scene
00:38:47
especially at the store right sure yeah so in terms of do you think people think that I'm gonna have a psychotic break
00:38:52
that I'm Bobby Lee's like you know Manic and he's on the edge everyone I've heard says that you're
00:38:58
like getting [ __ ] together but I will say it before this podcast you did approach me on the stairs
00:39:05
outside into tonight's the night I get murdered [Laughter] wouldn't I say that just before 25 minutes ago right before Andrew pulled up and I was like thank god
00:39:22
oh yeah I did do that yeah I go tonight tonight you get murdered and I grab the the keys yeah yeah did you really think
00:39:29
that if Andrew didn't show that you would be a murderer no yeah I wasn't gonna hurt you no I know yeah yeah you
00:39:34
know yeah you would even bring that up yeah wait it's weird she would bring it up you
00:39:41
just talked about you having a psychotic break it makes perfect sense yeah and you said be honest be real yeah yeah you're right okay my bad and she is
00:39:47
honest and realized what's Andrew's reputation you think he's he's you know you hung out the other night for the
00:39:53
first time in a long time that was cool yeah I usually just don't hang out you know what I did last night right I went to teach Tate I went to Pink Dot and I
00:40:00
bought um you know you leave sometimes leave something for the servers yeah and I left a bag of Tate blueberry chocolate
00:40:07
chip cookies by the way you know Tates you know Tate's cookies yeah the chocolate chips are the best
00:40:13
they just made blueberry yeah and I ate two bags this weekend no like a fat piece of [ __ ]
00:40:19
I liked Tates is the best and they have a blueberry they just made blueberry and I'm not kidding oh my god dude we gotta
00:40:25
get some for the show like a fat piece of [ __ ] I ripped through it and I got sad because when I finished the first
00:40:30
one yeah yeah I knew I was gonna get another one can I say something like you look fatter today I know you really do
00:40:36
look pudgy or like bloated I got swole I've been swollen this weekend was a swollen weekend yeah
00:40:43
Andrew the worst thing is when you're on a vacation yeah and you look at your partner whoever you're with you're
00:40:49
Compadres and you go what do we do today we don't know no one planned no no one planned anything but that's why now I
00:40:55
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only valid one per customer I buy every single brand on Amazon Sun's flower seeds oh right every Taco Bell flavor spicy hamburger flavor right
00:43:56
flame and bacon right like bacon so good so [ __ ] good cheddar Dill right I get
00:44:03
them all right but I have high blood pressure so I'm on blood medication like high blood pressure medication and I eat
00:44:08
so much I can't feel my my neck is so stiff can't stop you can't and I think I'm
00:44:14
gonna have a stroke so I'll keep eating I gotta get flaming flaming bacon see what that flavor right
00:44:20
okay and then I have jars of seed shells just jars of it on my [ __ ] nightstand
00:44:26
uh oh no I'm missing your neck uh it it's it's usually caused by an issue with a spinal cord or other nerves yeah
00:44:31
that's spinal cordation I know I know you're having nerve damage I'm having nerve damage from it okay so if you die from eating sunflower seeds yeah yeah
00:44:37
can we make your Tombstone a sunflower seed bag how about one large sunflower seed
00:44:43
that's cute that's cute what flavor Asian style there is no Asian style flavor look up yes there is we should create you should
00:44:54
make it no we should create our own flavors of sunflower seeds bad friends sunflowers yeah dude I'm being real I'm
00:44:59
toe down because there's certain flavors they don't have they always [ __ ] with hamburgers I like that one tacos fuegos
00:45:05
that's a good one you know what I mean yeah yeah but like Mongolian beef imagine Mongolian beef
00:45:20
[Laughter] caramel is better than chocolate when it comes to the sweet and salty stuff yeah so caramel how about caramel can we go caramel we could go yeah yeah look at
00:45:38
all those flavors right now the sunflower seeds ultimate variety pack I think we need to get that for the studio for Bob yeah yeah can we do that let me
00:45:44
see something this is not my favorite pigs is not the best it's not the best David is clutch but yeah no David's not even the
00:45:50
collection no no but it's it's I'm saying it's old school did you guys see this look at my face
00:45:57
what oh do you have a stroke no did you see the movie good Bad and the Ugly no no it's new I
00:46:03
only know this because I listened to your yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so what is it Elvis yeah did you see it do
00:46:08
it again no that just looks like he had a stroke oh oh Elvis Elvis is it this is lip
00:46:17
do you see it no why then I won't why I don't support bazlerman or whatever the [ __ ] is it yeah I have no reason I just don't
00:46:27
I don't I don't know I'm kidding I just don't give a [ __ ] about that it was good I'll say I thought it was good yeah but is it about his life when he gets fat
00:46:34
and dies yeah it's the whole the whole did they show the drugs they show the [ __ ] they show it all baby I want to
00:46:41
see the gross part is all that why can't we just have the time period when he dies also this guy I've heard he was good in the movie he was so good
00:46:49
he was really good dude you look strange it also doesn't look like Elvis in the movie dude there were times where I like uh no they're stretching so [ __ ] hard it's fine because you're not gonna find
00:47:01
someone that looks exactly like him but yeah look at that no that looks like that looks like Elvis with plastic surgery
00:47:06
it does that does it looks like [ __ ] La Elvis [Laughter] Elvis after he'd like lost an important role and he was like I'm gonna get him back yeah but I thought his performance
00:47:18
was good I heard he did great yeah yeah I'm never gonna see it wow I love how stubborn you are [ __ ] Elvis I don't like
00:47:24
him he [ __ ] stinks I thought a [ __ ] stunk [ __ ] Elvis he stole music from black people [ __ ] him oh dude I don't like him I don't like
00:47:31
that people love him too yeah he's a stinker Pinker name the song that you love to listen to by Elvis
00:47:37
um you're suspicious okay ain't nothing but a hound dog trash whoa dude trash [Laughter]
00:48:01
so you prefer the Beatles better are The Beatles better than Elvis it's not even a [ __ ] conversation all right of
00:48:07
course they are The Beatles The Beatles yeah I just said the Beatles yes oh they're way better it's not even in the same kind it's like The Beatles you know what the Beatles are to Elvis you to a
00:48:20
person who's thinking about starting comedy no that's so crazy yes it is wow yes it is no it's not the gap between
00:48:26
Elvis and The Beatles is not even [ __ ] close wow how many number one hits did the [ __ ] Beatles have how
00:48:31
many number one hits did [ __ ] Elvis have yeah all right how many number one songs did The Beatles [ __ ] but he's the king of
00:48:37
rock and roll he was the first guy he was the guy he was the king because he owned slaves what what that's what they
00:48:42
called him that wasn't in the movie he owned slaves I didn't see that we didn't see that part of the movie Graceland
00:48:48
yeah yeah Graceland is all it was a slave house Graceland not Raceland no it was racist
00:48:56
what the Beatles had 20 number one hits Elvis had uh 18. 18. there it is 20 days
00:49:02
two that's close no it's not even close there was no one else making music around Elvis yeah but it's so funny because I can only name like maybe eight Elvis songs you just did you named all
00:49:13
four well yeah yeah but I can name probably 80 People songs yeah we could go through we could go through all the
00:49:18
Beatles albums right now and name off almost every song probably can't name [ __ ] from Elvis yeah they're probably sorry jail what about the stones what's
00:49:25
better the stones or the Beatles I'm still gonna side with the Beatles I think so too but I like the stones I love the stones yeah you're still gonna
00:49:31
go with the Beatles what about you Beatles yeah so you're what your guys are saying to me is do you think let's say it here at that Friends The Beatles
00:49:37
are the greatest rock band ever period that I I I've always said that period I've always said that people argue no the stone nope no way no The Beatles the
00:49:47
from what uh here here's what it proved it to me what the Beatles did categorically like the the levels of
00:49:52
[ __ ] what they went through musically like diff just super different channels the change yeah they went with the yeah
00:49:59
they were relevant through their did the stones do that I don't know a little bit they did a little they did Ruby Tuesday
00:50:04
and they got a little bit like Jumping Jack Flash you know what I mean but I just the Beatles went through such like it's just like tidal waves of of
00:50:10
different kinds of music during different time the Beatles are king and and the Beatles have like albums that are like notoriously like good from
00:50:18
beginning to end like yeah like Abbey Road right yeah I can I think Exile Main Street which is a Stones album is pretty good from beginning to end but I can't say that about the rest of the other levels I just think they just the amount
00:50:30
of bangers that those kids made is just stupid and yeah and to think you know what's crazy I'm sad they're not making
00:50:36
any more albums they're all alive and kicking around it's like why don't they make another album yeah yeah yeah you know what are they doing they're just
00:50:42
hanging out how did how did Pete Bass Live with himself how I would have I would have take a [ __ ] shotgun muzzle into my mouth and pulled
00:50:52
the trigger I mean that's the worst decision ever ever made of and anything ever those guys that rent Chernobyl not
00:50:59
even close not even close to what peepas did Peep has [ __ ] up can you you imagine that I want to let people know who Pete best is do you know who that is I've just figured it out right yeah all
00:51:11
right well let me guess he had a chance to play with the Beatles he was the Beatles drummer and he turned to the rest of the guys and went I want
00:51:22
to go back to I want to go back to art school he literally was like it's not working out and then they went oh we got to find something they found Ringo right
00:51:27
it's not working out it's not working out it's not working two years oh he could have waited two [ __ ] years
00:51:33
they're the biggest thing on planet Earth and he's an art school with a [ __ ] shotgun muzzled as well yeah
00:51:40
yeah I would have killed myself do you know what's insane though when you think about it when you look at him yeah it looks like he doesn't fit that's what's
00:51:46
even more creepy yeah he does it when you're looking for food when you look at the photo that's the Japanese version
00:51:53
it just looks like he doesn't belong he doesn't for some reason he looks like Johnny
00:51:59
Cash he does look like yeah that's what it is it's like he doesn't belong that's 99 Cent Store Johnny Cash yeah yeah
00:52:04
whatever what are we doing here yeah yeah see he's thinking about [ __ ] art school that's his problem that's what he's thinking about right now I can't
00:52:10
wait to get out of this thing when you said a shotgun muzzle in the mouth by the way yeah you can't pull your trigger so far away to use your toe how do you
00:52:16
get down there what do you mean well the muscles up here your hands are holding it what's with the muzzles in my mouth right and the trigger's way down there
00:52:22
you got to put your toe down you would I don't think you can reach well I create apparatus oh so what I would do is a
00:52:28
little Rube Goldberg like a pancake pithing pops up a light falls you know yeah yeah it would be a little ball I'll go through a Lego set by the way the funniest suicide video on Earth if you
00:52:42
rude Goldberg your own suicide yeah you have to just sit there put yourself and if one Domino fell the wrong way
00:52:50
yeah yeah he's been trying to kill himself my brother for like a year to figure itself out yeah
00:52:59
yeah those I've always wanted to make one of those can we make it let's do a bad friend's room what's it called them
00:53:05
I think it's called a Rube Goldberg right Rube Goldberg yeah yeah well who the [ __ ] is Rube Goldberg by the way the first idiot to try it I guess by the way if we find out he was trying to kill
00:53:17
himself and just wanted a way to like get to have time to think about it yeah that's what it is he made that so he's like I just don't want to die yet I'm
00:53:23
going to think about the way I wanted Goldberg himself the world's most famous newspaper cartoonist draws animated
00:53:30
cartoons for path these films will make so he was a [ __ ] right so he had a brilliant brain of drawing cartoons and
00:53:36
like had a great imagination so he made a machine just to waste time I love those things they're so ingenious have you seen those on YouTube on YouTube that are legitimately like three minutes
00:53:48
long of just a of track through someone's entire house and outside someone's backyard back in the house
00:53:54
biggest dude type in biggest Rube Goldberg machine yeah ever and I want to see how long it takes to get through all that stuff because it's got to be just how long is that one Epic chain react
00:54:07
what is that four minutes four [ __ ] four minutes dude of course it's an Asian guy of course it is
00:54:14
by the way it was probably started rube was a white guy that Asian guy can't even say Rube Goldberg
00:54:19
[Laughter] I mean look at that alone just wow dude [Laughter] I mean it's just maybe that's how they create the names Asian names ping pong
00:54:35
ping pong it's a guy writing what always blows my mind is is when it's multiple things at once look at that look at that look at that that's inside right like that oh my God that
00:54:46
has to fall to pull the thing there's no way we will do it dude no we'll never be able to yeah yeah I'm not an engineer
00:54:52
is there anybody we know that's smart enough to do to like waste time doing this like do we have any autistic friends
00:54:58
yeah we're glass man Glassman could do that Glassman could do it because because an autistic kid can see this on
00:55:03
his mind I'm sure that's yeah I just don't have the I don't know how to I wouldn't know where to start it's a lot of marbles though so imagine
00:55:10
you're gonna cure yourself at the end here there's a shotgun in your mouth right and you they always tape these things you have to tape them right right
00:55:16
but is your friend filming are you your friend and what if like you you had the muzzle to your mouth and the camera's
00:55:21
not even on you he [ __ ] up in some way you know what I mean can we do it again yeah yeah he's
00:55:26
he just gets a text message right is the last thing false this is this is absurd it's not as sexy
00:55:32
looking as some of the other ones but yeah it's it's very intricate look at that thing oh my God
00:55:39
did you ever create anything like that when you were in school did you ever have to do like like an elaborate diorama or some [ __ ] like that
00:55:44
remember how did we make those things for like fares did you ever do like a school fair you didn't have to do that I
00:55:49
mean we had to I never did it you just bailed on all that yeah I said [ __ ] it you were a good kid you did all the
00:55:55
things that you needed to do yeah we one where you had to like get it drop an egg off the building and somehow build an
00:56:01
apparatus to sit so it wouldn't break I remember that you don't remember that I never did it everybody had to do that I
00:56:07
never did it you had to make like an egg pillow so it wouldn't crack no I um then one of the kids that we went to school
00:56:13
with fell off the building when he was doing it no yeah fell off and died fell off and died Humpty Dumpty at your
00:56:18
school that was his name at your school that's what happened I set her up for the joke he had a great fall
00:56:25
it's a good fish that's a good bit that bit was something Central by the way you know what's insane about Humpty
00:56:31
Dumpty wow all the king's horses and All the King's Men yeah oh my God they went
00:56:36
to go put him to back together again but it's nuts because what does the king have to do with this egg guy
00:56:42
and if he cared so much about Eggman why didn't even let him live in the castle with him here is this egg guy look at this poor bastard
00:56:48
yeah he's got to sit on it look at that [ __ ] guy so the king is relegated this guy's sitting on a wall all day
00:56:54
being embarrassed in front of the towns people yeah he at some point he gets tired and Falls you know he gets he's
00:56:59
not gonna he can't sleep let's be honest though let's be honest right what we're human beings right if there was Eggman
00:57:05
they would be fifth class citizens I don't know they could be entertain we're kind of like if we were at a restaurant
00:57:11
we saw egg people we'd be like can we change tables that's so big of it I'm just saying are you egg phobic yeah dude I need a chance you know I mean the guy's eating an omelette oh he's eating
00:57:23
yeah yeah how is that egg man eating an omelette that's [ __ ] crazy but if he's eating bacon is that chill
00:57:35
yes the greatest band of all time see even we can even now we can find a way to get back to the Beatles that's how
00:57:41
good they were that's how good you can go so obscure about egg people we can talk about walruses beetles beetles
00:57:46
Strawberry Fields beetles yeah you can always get back yeah get back to where you want to go did no no you guys didn't get that you had to have Pete get that back I'll get back I said we can always
00:57:56
get back did you mean to do that yes you know what that song's about yeah you know what that song's about don't you what is it that's in reference to the police uh um like Sting
00:58:09
yes no no the police are abusing abusing black people and immigrants and saying go back to where you came from oh [ __ ] yeah yeah scumbags yes but basically like if I
00:58:23
don't think the king would care if the Eggman fell timeout why did he send so many horses and all of his men obviously
00:58:29
he cared about Eggman you think he might have been related to him and just look it was his brother they didn't talk anymore is the king in Eggman too was
00:58:37
the king in Eggman I don't [ __ ] know that would be that if they're like eggy people what if he was half egg he could
00:58:44
be half egg he was ashamed of his egg half yeah let's see zoom in on these [ __ ] lyrics he had a great fall all the case
00:58:51
courses All the King's Men couldn't put him together again so he was like go try to fix my brother yeah and they could never do it
00:58:57
I mean it's impossible to fix a broken egg it's impossible it's kind of like when JFK's head came out it was like you couldn't scoop that back in yeah yeah it is
00:59:08
I wouldn't use that you know I mean well when you see her doing it you're like what do you she was scooping I know it's
00:59:14
too dark I wasn't there you weren't there I know but I can't imagine what Jackie witnessed
00:59:20
I mean what would you do if my significant other was in the car next to me and got shot in the head like that
00:59:25
yeah and it's oh first of all I'll never sleep again no sleeping is no longer a thing sleep no more yeah sleep no more nightmares constantly constant nightmares day mares I mean you would
00:59:37
have gay bars yeah all day long so afraid of everything yeah I don't know how to function if I saw that next
00:59:43
to me no but then wouldn't you and here's why wouldn't you as Mr Revenge spend the rest of your life trying to find the people that did it but they
00:59:49
know but they know that the guy that did it guys plural the one guy that they thought that did it didn't really do it
00:59:55
I know he didn't right so there's a dude and you have to spend the rest of your life knowing the guys that did it are
01:00:00
never going to be found never never because there's the shadowy people oh the shadowman yeah shadowman dude what if Humpty Dumpty didn't fall out there I never thought of that [ __ ] I
01:00:12
think you got pushed bro bro who pushed Humpty Dumpty Jack Ruby no oh [ __ ] that filthy son of a [ __ ] killed two people or the king did it and it was all
01:00:28
inside jobs oh and the King was like get all my men and all my horses and help yeah the king and dude the king and the
01:00:35
Egg we're smoking a little something something [Music] huh what opium okay no something
01:00:42
something is vague others have suggested that Humpty Dumpty is King Rich the third of England who's supposed to have been humpback and who was defeated at
01:00:48
the Battle of Bosworth field so it's mocking King Richard III oh and he's British and you know what that
01:00:55
means what I don't know something there he is me either he does have an egg face go to that picture the real the realistic looking one to the left there yes yeah he does have an egg
01:01:08
face that's just a white guy that's what they look like yeah it's kind of what we look like yeah that's just a plain old
01:01:13
white guy but his chin is Aggie this is that's your skin color no his shape is eggy yeah he's got a like an oval shaped face well then you're saying Jay Leno has a [ __ ] you better believe it yeah
01:01:24
he's more scrambled than anything else yeah yeah no no I see he's poached uh is that what is that the king's skull yeah that's king that's that's King Richard the third skull
01:01:38
wow why they kept the skull they always keep their skulls oh so when Queen Elizabeth They're Gonna Keep the skull
01:01:45
when she dies she died she's been dead for 15 years no no not quit the queen now yeah he's talking she's been dead for 15 years yeah no she's not he's I have I am fully in on the conspiracy
01:01:56
theory that she is AI yeah but she's still alive I think they found a body double and manipulated it all right fine
01:02:01
but like the regular people the people that aren't in Q Anon right I'm not in queue yeah you do dude your cat's cue
01:02:08
[ __ ] that's cue [ __ ] dude that's insurrectionist [ __ ] no no so she's still alive right she's like 100 euros I'm In You by the way not q u we're ahead of Q okay she's been dead for so long but which
01:02:21
one is you know I know about this huh the crown oh the show The Crown yeah whatever I
01:02:28
love that show it's so good it may not will not oh my God it's so good the Crown's amazing I don't support the
01:02:34
British Elvis it's all the dark [ __ ] too bro it's all the weird dark [ __ ] the Diana [ __ ] all that dark [ __ ] what about
01:02:40
the incest there was no insults they skipped over the incest oh they [ __ ] each other do you mean there's no incest
01:02:46
in the royal family Prince Charles looks like that not from incest he's just a [ __ ] up looking dude Google incest in
01:02:51
the royal family the whole they're whole they're predicated their whole history is about [ __ ] incest their whole [ __ ] they [ __ ] each other is the royal
01:02:58
family inbred you better believe it look what it says Queen Elizabeth II Prince Philip do share two common lineages this
01:03:04
would make the most this this would make the most inbred living British Royals their children yeah but if it's like seconds or cousins
01:03:11
it's okay you no it's not it's yeah thank you it is okay if it's second or third cousin if you're justifying something that you did with your cousins leave it out of the show no I'm not I'm not doing that I'm defending the people
01:03:23
you [ __ ] one of your cousins no I'm defending the people that are in love with their second or third cousin no I'm
01:03:28
not defending these people that's insane all right but I'm gonna say right now okay there's no [ __ ] scientific proof
01:03:34
that if you make love and have a baby with your third cousin that the baby's gonna come out of whack
01:03:39
I wish I want to see the scientific person baby came out whack and ask can you have
01:03:47
babies with your third cousin I mean you can and will they come out will they come out whack and will they come out whack I feel like they're probably in short yes it is legal for second and
01:03:58
third cousin to marrying the U.S beyond that state laws get a little more complicated according to the national account bingo so it's not against the law 25 States prohibit marriages between
01:04:05
first cousins that's gross that's two the blood is too thick it's there any blood is wrong they like the thick blood
01:04:12
that's right in Arizona the first cousin is marriage allowed if both parties are 65 or older
01:04:19
and no one and or or one of them is infertile so they're basically saying if you're too old to have kids or one of them can't have kids then you guys might as well just [ __ ] until you're dead you're 65. that's why a lot of people
01:04:29
retire to Arizona oh wow yeah that's a big retirement community yeah uh proof of genetic
01:04:36
counseling from a genetic counselor in Maine all you got to do is prove that you guys uh know it and are okay with it
01:04:42
Minnesota says only certain types eh that's so funny what kind of cousins can get married here well certain types same thing in [ __ ] Wisconsin another
01:04:53
[ __ ] Scotty said if the woman is 55 or older is permanently sterile only both parties are 65 or older is the same
01:04:58
thing in Utah wow so you gotta prove that you can't have kids yeah what if you use somebody else's data to prove
01:05:04
you can't have kids just so you can sneak by the system to have kids with your cousin and they catch you they put you in jail it's dope but if you make
01:05:11
love to your first cousin have a kid would they come out weird yes okay because I know brother and sister yeah
01:05:16
don't do it if you're thinking about it don't I don't and none of my cousins are attractive I don't know yeah none of
01:05:22
them are okay yeah yeah and they've never met a second cousin you've never met a second cousin no huh
01:05:28
yeah have you yeah is there a second cousin that you have that's a cute boy no I'm a third
01:05:34
cousin no you wouldn't think it's something you won't even think about it they're almost all women okay yeah and
01:05:40
still no are you the only good looking one no like I they're I have a truck that's a
01:05:46
yes yeah that sounds like a yes you have a what I've attractive family members but I've never thought about wanting to
01:05:52
sure like yeah yeah no you've been defending it since the jump no I haven't I'm just saying technically I wouldn't
01:05:58
do it but I I just think that on paper through because it wouldn't be weird it would be I think it'd be this is Sally
01:06:03
my wife she's a third cousin why would you tell everybody I would have to tell that people know well then it's weird no
01:06:09
it's because it's not out there I don't have to Google it can you imagine at a party yeah hey there's my car this is my
01:06:15
wife Sally hey Sally I'm I'm stabbing I'm coming yeah Sally's my third cause immediately I
01:06:20
don't like those people you're right they're gross you wouldn't announce it no dude how many people are
01:06:25
on Earth how many humans are on earth billions yeah billions yeah yeah why do you need what options why do you need a
01:06:30
cousin what if you're let me just propose start driving go to a new place there are some places
01:06:35
right in Idaho right where they're Rural right a small community what if it's like a certain type of religion where it's like we you know they have their own cult and your options are slim
01:06:47
uh-huh right you have second and third cousins running around what are you gonna do leave yeah leave town there's a
01:06:54
lot of towns but they don't know because it's like they don't they're not exposed to television they're not supposed to
01:06:59
what do you mean everybody knows that [ __ ] a family member would be wrong it's like instinctual yeah and sexuals yeah okay it's insane
01:07:06
it's ancestral essential it's Instinct it's instinctual right it's Instinct shot okay you know better I do yeah what
01:07:13
if it what if you made love to somebody that's your brother or sister but they're not biological they were adopted
01:07:19
well that's like on every porn site it's a fact yeah yeah but by the way they're adopted there's no blood there that's fine that's that I mean I don't love the idea so what Woody Allen did
01:07:31
was fine that's not true they didn't question it yeah yeah yeah no he raised that girl that's gross okay that's gross okay if two people were raised together I'm just throwing out ideas I don't believe
01:07:42
anything I say check it out I'm a boy like my parents my mom remarries and a guy who and a guy who has a girl uh and
01:07:50
we find each other attractive which I think happens I'm kind of okay with it because they did there's no relation
01:07:56
they're just strangers that met in its proximity yeah but if there's any sort of family lineage at
01:08:03
all yeah 80th cousin uh-huh gross okay what about this scenario gross can I throw up can I throw it out to you I bet it's gross it probably isn't go all right another way I will throw it to you
01:08:14
okay okay I feel like it's gonna be gross too thank you it's not gonna be gross all right let's suppose you were
01:08:21
adopted okay okay all right and you didn't know your family lineage right and you love your adoptive parents you
01:08:27
have a great life right you go on Tinder you meet a guy right you fall on with this guy right and you start having sex with a guy you really in love and then you guys do a you know a DNA yeah and
01:08:41
you know ancestry.com like most third dates yeah and you find out your biological
01:08:47
brother that was your brother what would you do throw up and then and then I'm out of there yeah that's it
01:08:54
you made the mistake you gotta move on even if he bags like come on we have something going yeah I'd be like we're clearly not meant for each other yeah
01:09:01
but you swallowed if I come no insane all right let's flip it on you yeah yeah because we obviously have a proper stance on this yeah yeah what would you do nothing
01:09:13
absolutely nothing are you kidding you're crazy here you are single you're back out of the dating scene you date
01:09:19
someone it turns out yeah your mom had a kid that you didn't know about different San Diego different dad
01:09:25
same dad I have the same dad and mom that's it's your sister okay my biological sister
01:09:31
that's what you said to her yeah yeah what don't give me the same scenario I'm just flipping it to make it seem broader
01:09:36
all right go ahead I hear your mom and your dad yeah have a girl they get rid of it already no all right here your mom
01:09:41
[ __ ] a guy yeah yeah who's cool right and the daughter runs away yeah and [ __ ] she comes to a show she doesn't know right you don't know she doesn't know right you hook up yeah and
01:09:53
she says you know I'm gonna do that 23andMe thing yeah I already did it oh yeah and what did you find I found that
01:10:00
90 Korean 10 Japanese oh cool yeah yeah I found out that I have like a brother yeah yeah cool yeah what's your mom's
01:10:06
name Genie oh my God that was my mom's name yeah holy [ __ ] where where is she from
01:10:15
okay but where does she live in Southern California did she live here she lives in Arizona
01:10:21
wait my mom now lives in Arizona and she used to live in your biological mom Poway I'm from Poway wait a minute we can
01:10:29
still [ __ ] by the way she's figuring it out trying to get out of it yeah she's trying to find a way to stay in it no I'll try to
01:10:36
get it get in Walmart or smash you want one more time yeah for all time's sake no I would never it'll be gross you're right yes I know we forced you into that yeah you
01:10:49
actually don't find it that gross but still I'm glad you turned I turned because you weren't no I wouldn't [ __ ] come on man dude okay yeah it's kind of
01:10:56
like old boy what it's kind of like old boy in a way yeah an old boy you see the movie Old Boy no oh my God it's one of
01:11:03
the greatest movies ever made it's it's a Korean movie it's one of the greatest movies I have the posters
01:11:09
framed in my [ __ ] that is one of the greatest movies don't tell them because I got so let me tell you about this
01:11:15
movie Bill Burr had a birthday party when I first met him and I brought this movie on DVD this is back when streaming
01:11:21
wasn't the thing and I gave him this movie he still talked about this movie This is the first Korean
01:11:27
Dude that [ __ ] old boy dude I love when you brought me that movie yeah he literally [ __ ] he [ __ ]
01:11:35
said it says that I bought him that it's please watch this movie I'm gonna watch it it is
01:11:40
[ __ ] amazing you're in it well can I say something 100 the little girl to the right looks
01:11:46
like you that's Bobby Lee Oh I thought you meant I was mixing Joy you are Mexican yeah
01:11:51
the guy he literally is what I want to be everything about what no no no no I think that's cool yeah like like I I've like literally I literally I'm not afraid to look older yeah because of
01:12:04
this dude oh because you yeah this good dude is like my [ __ ] dude that dude in this movie
01:12:10
he does a scene in this movie and I'm not gonna tell you what it is and you'll tell me what it is because you'll know
01:12:15
when you see it does he have a hammer I know that yeah that scene is so crazy and it's like if you technically even as a director and an actor you wouldn't be able to do it well he's not building
01:12:27
something I can tell yeah you know you wouldn't be able to do this scene it's one shot it's insane imagine he's just
01:12:33
putting together an Ikea desk with a sandwich wait wait yeah wait till you see this
01:12:39
movie is so amazing I'm gonna see it and then can I just tell you the premise or not no I want to watch it all right let
01:12:45
me watch you wanna watch Elvis watch Elvis first never [ __ ] that all right by the way shout out to Bill Burr for
01:12:50
playing Fenway that's insane what was that Fenway is the baseball stadium that the Boston Red Sox play in and he he's playing it right now I think now I think he did it last night maybe I have no
01:13:02
idea but do Bill Burr Fenway but he put up a photo and it just made me feel so good for him
01:13:07
I [ __ ] he's the best I love him so much he's better than the best he's the coolest nicest guy in the world he's the
01:13:13
[ __ ] ever August 21st that was uh yesterday or today [ __ ] that's right now wow Fenway Park dude so to him I know
01:13:20
this means nothing to you but to him I mean dude this is like my your childhood like for me it'd be like playing Wrigley Field in Chicago it's
01:13:27
like it's insane oh my God like Eddie Vedder plays [ __ ] Wrigley Field and it's
01:13:32
like doing that look there he is there's our boy Billy [Music] Thomas August 21st there's still a couple of tickets left
01:13:44
uh come down and listen to my ignorance as I scream out there uh on the triangle
01:13:50
will you hit inside the park home runs so proud of him man can you imagine selling at a baseball stadium where
01:13:56
where where two teams play one man is able to sell them tickets where two teams play yeah that blows my [ __ ] we sold 200 seats in New York so that's pretty good no it was I think it was
01:14:08
116. 116 seats yeah yeah that's pretty good now we did we sold it 37 000. insane dude I can't even like comprehend well I don't know if he's sold out I
01:14:20
don't know if that's what the seating was for stand up but still it's insane can you imagine if I don't think he sold
01:14:25
30 but imagine like how many followers how many how many followers you have on Instagram well for a concert it's still
01:14:30
37. 40 how many whatever everyone here what if all of them came to see before at one time
01:14:37
I mean that's nuts yeah by the way we did sell two shows fast in Gramercy in New York because it was a
01:14:43
pop-up show we didn't know we were going to do it last minute and we're gonna we're gonna [ __ ] um we're gonna do a
01:14:49
tour now thanks for coming thanks for coming appreciate it hey thank you guys for everything you've done for me we're really grateful we will do it for the rest of it Karen I
01:15:01
love you we love you I love you guys come see me and juicy in Salt Lake City September 9 and 10. honestly like you've
01:15:06
you add something you add something to the show that's uh pretty cool you've it's beyond pretty cool it's a [ __ ]
01:15:13
incredible yeah and uh why don't you thank him for being bad friends and take us out thank you for being a bad friend
01:15:19
the best [Music]