00:00:00
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two
00:00:07
are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends. I'm going to get Botox.
00:00:13
Don't. Please don't get Yeah, I'm getting Botox. I I have to. Why? Cuz I look old now. It's catching up.
00:00:19
And time out. I know exactly where this started. Where do you guys know where this started? Mone was with me. Yeah,
00:00:24
I know where it started. That photo you posted. I posted a photo on my story. That angle. Never again, dude.
00:00:29
Brother, it looks like you. Dude, I look like a shrinking frog. You are. No, I'm not. I I It doesn't It was not
00:00:37
good. I thought the bags, the liver spots. I got to get Botox. You don't have liver spots.
00:00:42
I do. Look at on the sides. Those are freckles, dude. Oh, they're gigantic freckles. Samoan freckles. That's what I have on my face.
00:00:48
Yeah. Samoa freckle. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I'm That's what I'm going to look like. Yeah. The oil oil London, right? Yeah. I mean, I don't think people would
00:00:55
notice if I got Botox. I think they would. Should I? Okay. Do AI Bobby with Bobby
00:01:00
Lee with Botox. Can we see that? But if I get Botox, new rule, you can't make fun of me.
00:01:06
Uh, you can't make fun of me, dude. Old rule. Yes, I can. Okay. Old rule.
00:01:11
But no, of I won't make fun of you if if if you First of all, you're not going to get Botox. I am.
00:01:16
No, you're not. Where would you get it? Korea. No, I'm saying where on your face. Oh my god. My eyes. Like the puffiness
00:01:23
on the sides here. The lips a little bit. Don't you want Don't you just want to age gracefully? Don't you just want to
00:01:29
age gracefully because you're doing a great job. Everybody thinks you're 40. No one knows you're about to turn 54
00:01:35
years old. Nobody knows that except for everybody that's listening to the show right now. I know. But you know what happens to
00:01:41
Asians, right? What? The old rule. What's the old rule? One night. One night.
00:01:46
Long ago. Wrong ago. I went to sleep. What happened?
00:01:52
I woke up as Yoda. Oh, you think you're going to turn into I'm going to turn to Yoda one day. Okay,
00:01:58
then if you get it, we're all getting it. That's it. No, here's the thing. Okay, cuz Richie needs it, too. Look at his face. Yeah, but he's still 22. 23.
00:02:05
How old? 24. Just turn, right? That's right. We asked you. But think about it in give it some good perspective. Yoda was so wise. Everybody
00:02:12
went to him for advice. Yeah, but I don't know [ __ ] I don't know anything. Ask me something. Ask me uh uh you know
00:02:18
how many floors is the Empire State Building? I don't know. Well, neither do I. Oh, all right. How about this? Give me a
00:02:24
capital of or a city in a state and I I think I'm going to give you the state. Easy. Okay. Go. Oh, country or you want here?
00:02:30
A city in a state and I'll tell you what the state is. Okay. What is What is the capital of No, not the capital. Just give me a
00:02:35
city. Wait, what? Give you any city. Yeah. Albany. Albany, New Mexico.
00:02:42
Yeah, it's new. Yeah. New York. Albany, New York. That was a tough one.
00:02:48
Really? Yeah. Yeah. Give me another one. Give me another one. Uh uh Springfield,
00:02:53
Ohio. Well, there is there is one there for sure. There's one in every state. Okay. Well, that's a trick one.
00:02:59
Okay. Uh uh how about this? Uh Sacramento, California. Come on. Okay.
00:03:04
Lbec, Texas. Very good. Um uh Zizzix.
00:03:11
Izzix. Zizzix. London. England. No, that's here. Izzix. What's it? It's XXYXX. Zizzix. It's in
00:03:18
Oh, that's a good one. You've seen it. It's in the desert. I saw it in the desert once. Zizzix. Zizzix. But that's a road, not a city.
00:03:24
I think it's a city. Yeah, it's a city. It's a city. Zizzix, formerly Soda Springs, is an unincorporated town in San Bernardino County. By the way, I
00:03:31
heard it was a developmental town for like a rehab clinic and it never took off. Funang. Uh, that's got to be China.
00:03:39
I made it up. Funang. Yeah, it can be anyone. Sounds like a Chinese town. That was my nickname. Welcome to Funang. That your That was
00:03:45
your nickname in high school. Funang. Um, all right. Well, I I know some Look, you know a lot of things. All right. Give me a random thing that
00:03:50
maybe I you might not think that I know. Uh, how about um how about like uh give
00:03:57
me the name of the of the first album released. Oh my god, it's panic already.
00:04:03
You know music so well. Yeah, I don't know. Give me the first album released by
00:04:10
I'm trying to think of some something easy. What? Talking heads. Talking Heads. Talking Heads 1977. Perfect. See, you know a lot of stuff. I
00:04:16
mean, you have to lead me to it, but we'll get there. I I uh How about How about uh what Metallica's first album?
00:04:23
Oh, that's good. I don't I don't know what What is it? Kill Them All, I think. Was that the first album? Kill Them All. Ron McGovern 82 Garage Demo. Kill Them
00:04:30
All. Full album. Yeah. Thank you. Got it. Thank Lord. Yeah. Yeah. You know a lot of stuff, dude. You
00:04:35
did you know anything, Richie? Did you know any of those? No, I didn't know anything. I know what you'll know. What was first album? Look at your face.
00:04:42
Come on. You know, [Music] losing your religion. Yeah. was in here.
00:04:48
Yeah. Yeah. That's the one. That's the one. Yeah. That's not the first album. That's not the first. Yeah. Yeah. Richie, are you wearing a sweater?
00:04:54
I am wearing a sweater. It's like 94 outside. But doesn't he look like a college rock band basist? He looks like a guy who's tinkering away
00:05:01
with microchips in a basement. Okay. And we don't know if he's on our team or against us yet. I think he looked like Mike Mills from
00:05:06
the By the way, Richie looks like every guy from a band in the 90s. Yeah. Every band.
00:05:13
Oh, yeah. You kind of do look like him, dude. You're that type of white. Do you think I could rock those shades? No. No.
00:05:18
No. Yeah. Yeah. No. You can't even rock the glasses you're wearing right now. I'm actually allergic to them. To glasses?
00:05:23
To these glasses? What do you mean you're allergic to them? I just found out. So, I'm allergic to metal now. So, it's like I And these
00:05:30
were my backup. So, I broke my plastic pair and then when I put these on now, like my ears all Can we cut to commercial right now or
00:05:35
something? Wait a minute. You're allergic to metal. I've never heard of that in my life. Yeah. So, I I just found out this
00:05:40
myself, but contacts. Use contacts. I don't have any contacts. Oh, you you can't afford them? No, I
00:05:46
just I didn't like how I put them in my eye. It hurt. Oh. Oh, okay. Okay. So,
00:05:51
people metal uh allergies are a type of allergic contact dermatitis called delayed hypersensitivity reaction.
00:05:58
Wow. So, what happens? What's going to happen to you with these on? I don't know. I just got a bumpy ear and I got to figure that out.
00:06:04
Oh, buddy. You're a hypochondrian. Yeah. That the bump on your ear has nothing to do with the glasses on your face. What's it from?
00:06:10
Should you tell them or no? I didn't listening. It's from Funang.
00:06:16
It was from Yeah. Little bit too much fun. You're going to end up with bumps on your face. But I like a little fun. Careful, Richie.
00:06:21
Richie. Okay. You're not We're not When was the last time you had fun, Richie? Yeah. When's the last time you got some fun tang? I like the fun. I
00:06:26
No. No. When's the time you had fun, Richie? When was the last time you had some fun? Funang like two or so weeks ago.
00:06:33
Was the definition of fun, Richie? Funang? It's a food. It's like those noodles.
00:06:38
Oh, okay. Well, it is a noodle. Yeah. For Let me reward word it. Let me Can I reword? Yeah. When's the last time you got some
00:06:44
action? Action? Yeah. When's the last time you got laid, Rich? Uh, like probably this month, but like earlier in the month, like end of or
00:06:51
beginning of July, roughly. Oh, the beginning of July. One time. Yeah, just once. Yeah, we do our best. I have like
00:06:57
Who's we and your plan? Him and his penis. Yeah. Wait a minute. So, was this a one time?
00:07:04
Was this Do you do one night stands or you only I do, but LA is weird. It's like I don't like the one night stands and I feel
00:07:11
like people lean more towards that but I'm more against it. I'm in the search of
00:07:17
relationship but people don't want a relationship. We're going to find you love. I'm going to find you love. Yeah. I I do think you deserve a really
00:07:23
good a good relationship. Oh, thank you. You know who loves one night stands is Carlos is the king of one night stand.
00:07:28
You can teach him a lot. Are you not? Yeah, unfortunately. Yeah. Why is that unfortunate? You do you want
00:07:34
a relationship now? Yeah. It's just been years and years of Are you a good kisser, Carlos? I think I'm good. Yeah,
00:07:39
I got to be honest with you. Yeah. Great kisser. Really? Yeah. He's a great kisser. Kiss.
00:07:44
Yeah, you guys. But you and I Yeah, but we not open mouth. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You guys have kissed.
00:07:50
What I do is I don't go tongue first. Well, when I don't do um bonsai style,
00:07:57
you I don't do Pearl Harbor. Oh, right. I don't do sneak attacks with my No, I make the noise.
00:08:04
[Music] And then I go back. Oh, you back off.
00:08:09
I go I back off, right? I don't actually hit Pearl Harbor, right? You You pull up. Pull up. Pull up.
00:08:14
I pull up. I'm that coward. Remember in Godzilla uh minus one? The guy who couldn't do I'm that guy. He just couldn't do it.
00:08:20
No, he didn't do it. He bailed. I would have been that guy, too. Me, too. By the way, you're in a plane. You can't catch me. I'm gone.
00:08:26
I know. But you still Where are you? I know. But in in um Godzilla minus one,
00:08:31
he had to land at an airfield. Yeah. And he's like, "Oh, my my plane's broke." And he was like, "You're probably not broke."
00:08:39
Perfect condition. It's a perfect condition. I mean, but I think I would go pretty close and then
00:08:44
pull up. Well, and you would just say it's a it's a mechanical error. I couldn't do it. A check button. A,
00:08:50
right? But then you're out over the ocean. No. Then you swim to Hawaii and go, "I'm Hawai." Yeah, that's true.
00:08:56
Right. Why can't they say they're Hawaiian? They kind of look Hawaiian. Well, there's certainly a ton of There were Japanese people in Hawaii.
00:09:01
Yeah. So you're you'd fit in. I guess that makes perfect sense. You think there's a story of a guy that's a movie we need to write for Bobby.
00:09:07
The one kamicazi who didn't do it. Yeah. And he ended up living in Hawaii. Like becoming the king of one of the
00:09:13
small little islands. There's no And then what? What? Yeah. There were no kings back then. It's a madeup movie. All right.
00:09:20
You become a king of a little tiny island and then some someone an ex an ex-military after years later 30 years
00:09:27
down the road. Me? Yeah. I I'm suspicious. I come to this little island. I marry a Hawaiian and I'm like,
00:09:34
"Who is this guy?" Mommy? Yeah. Who Who are you? Gilbert. You're King Gilbert, huh?
00:09:39
King Gilbert the ninth. There's generation generation of Gilbert. Well, there's a rumor that you bailed as
00:09:45
a kamicazi pilot. That's kind of being spread around. Look at my hair. Carpal tunnel. Both hands. Oh, you can't fly.
00:09:50
I can't fly. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. All right. Well, God bless you, King Gilbert. And then cut to an hour later, I'm jerking off for both hands.
00:09:56
Well, and then you catch me. He can use his hands. Yeah, dude. This is good. And then and then you need my help and I need your help.
00:10:03
Yeah. Like in Titanic for instance. Um I think I would have gotten off that boat pretty quickly.
00:10:09
You'd be so dead. Well, I'd probably be bottom though. You and I. I You're upper deck.
00:10:14
The Irish. No, dude. We were in the basement. Bottom deck. The I think the Irish were were like the Irish were held in the basement, right?
00:10:21
Yeah. We were down low down low. I would cl I would climb over people. You know what's so funny to think about
00:10:27
that? I like when they say like there's no there's no order in chaos. Like I would have killed so many people to to to survive.
00:10:32
What were the Asians doing down there though? What were their jobs, do you think? Probably scooping coal into the fire to like make the make the boat engine.
00:10:39
Hey Chan, we got a free trip. Where? Where too? I don't know where we're going in the
00:10:45
Arctic. But you know what? All we have to do is put the coal in the in the thing and all of a sudden you're drowning.
00:10:50
You're gone. They don't tell you the race. They just tell you it's common folk. Yeah. Cuz they don't want to admit the
00:10:55
truth. They want you to still go to the museum. That's why that's why they still want you to watch the movie. Once you learn of the actual atrocities
00:11:01
that took place, then then it loses the lore. It loses some of like the the the
00:11:07
sparkliness. They're like, "Well, it was a bunch of minorities in the basement." They're like, "Don't worry about that. Don't worry about any of that."
00:11:12
Wow. I want to go. Isn't there a Isn't there like a huge Titanic museum somewhere and you can go visit like a perfect replica
00:11:18
of the Yeah, it's in the ocean, though. No. No. The I've gone to the real one. You went down there? I went down there to Yeah. That sound
00:11:24
still haunts me when those people went down. The Richie, you're laughing. It's kind of funny.
00:11:30
You are just like fancy. He's sick like fancy. Yeah. Where is that? Let's go to that.
00:11:35
Branson, Missouri, dude. Yeah. Yakovone will be near Branson, Missouri. We have to go there.
00:11:42
I want to go to that and Noah's Arc. They rebuilt that one. I want to see Noah's. Yeah.
00:11:47
You believe that? They got one of every animal. I do believe it. I'm not a naysayer. Kentucky. Yeah. You gota cram it in there, though.
00:11:54
I don't know. You know what's so funny, though? When you listen to the song, two alligators and long neck geese, some humpty back camels.
00:11:59
There's no way there's a song. Chimpanzees. There's a scene. Cats and rats and elephants and birds galore.
00:12:05
Oh, yeah. You don't know that song? Yeah. No, I'm not making it up. Look, give me the lyrics.
00:12:10
There was an actual two alligators and long neck geese, some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees,
00:12:16
some cats and rats and elephants and birds galore. But you won't see no dinosaur. That is the real song. Type in
00:12:23
some of those lyrics and you'll see. So do do cats and rats and elephants and birds galore. Well, dinosaurs really didn't exist.
00:12:30
You know what it was? What? The devil did it. You think so? See, he's buying into it. The devil. This is Korean church coming back in a
00:12:36
play here. AI will find out the Noah's arc. The unicorn. Oh, you won't find no
00:12:43
unicorn. Is that what it is? There were green. Go up. There it is. There are green alligators and long
00:12:48
neckies. Some humpy back camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants. And sure as you're born, the
00:12:53
loveliest of all was the unicorn. See? Good. Old Noah was there to answer the call.
00:12:58
Finished making the ark just as it started rainfall. But where are the wombats in the song? Yeah. Where are those?
00:13:04
I want to know all the all the animals. Wombats. Where's all these animals in the Philippines? Red panda. Is a red panda in there?
00:13:10
That's my dog. Yeah. Red panda for life. You don't believe the dinosaurs existed, huh? you.
00:13:15
No, I really do believe that. Of course I did. I was silly. Yeah. No, but apparently he thinks maybe they got us. Maybe. But why would the devil do it?
00:13:23
Can't have good without evil. But sadness is a real thing, too. You're not sad, though. You've been happier than you've ever been. I've
00:13:29
noticed. No, the last two weeks has been the worst two weeks of my life. Okay. Well, let's This is what Bobby does, and it pissed me off. Last night at the Comedy Store, I even said this in
00:13:35
the recording today. The kid absolutely smashed a piece. Yeah, but I was sad up there.
00:13:40
Well, then be more sad cuz you're killing. I hope for your taping you're sad cuz you crushed it. I left immediately. You
00:13:46
see notice that? 10 out of 10 though. You hit 10 home runs. It was crazy. Every joke you spit out, I was like, "Man, that's a hit.
00:13:51
That one's a hit. That one's a hit. That one's a hit." You didn't miss. Amen. And then we gave Dax Flame a joke. Dax
00:13:57
read one of our jokes. Did he Did he really do it? Yeah, he did it. What was the joke? He texted me and it did really well. I hope that Yeah. He said, uh, the joke was, we're
00:14:04
going back to this again. We were actually talking about this last night. Okay. It was um, California in 1948 outlawed the chair.
00:14:11
Yeah. And uh Bobby wrote the punch line which was that's crazy because I went to
00:14:17
IKEA and Burbank and they had a ton of chairs. Ton of chairs. It crushed.
00:14:23
It did. It killed. It absolutely killed. Yeah. It was a great joke. Did he do the tag that I made up?
00:14:28
He said and I sat on one and I didn't die. No, he didn't. Oh, damn it. I think he forgot the tag. Oh,
00:14:33
but it was still good and it killed and then he gave you credit. Wow. Okay, good. He said Bob and Andrew. He said Bobby Lee wrote that joke for
00:14:39
me. Oh, I didn't write the punch line. Yeah, but you care about the setup. So, what punch line?
00:14:44
Setup is a lot. Punch line is all that anybody cares about. Yeah. Who's who do we have? Who do we have? Who who just showed up?
00:14:50
Oh my god. And if it isn't the You have a sunburst here. If it isn't the corn bandit himself.
00:14:56
What's up, ladies and gentlemen? Harlon Williams studio. Hello.
00:15:01
[Applause] You don't have to clap, dude. Well, I shouldn't have because now I've delayed putting these on.
00:15:07
Get it on there. You don't have to if you don't want to. You can hear us just fine. If you can Oh, this will be a good bit.
00:15:19
Hang on. [ __ ] You got it. [Music]
00:15:24
Stupid. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. Where'd you get these things?
00:15:30
Stupid. God damn it. [Music]
00:15:36
Well, I didn't make the thing you did. [ __ ] Why are you so stupid? Why?
00:15:43
[Music] Why you acting so dumb dumb, dude? Is this a podcast or a Rubik's cube?
00:15:48
All right, don't break it. I'm a technician. Mode, help him. Take your time, dude.
00:15:55
Somebody please. Jesus Christ. Not easy, right? Guy.
00:16:02
When a hippie can't do it, how do you Exactly. Okay. He's my buddy.
00:16:09
You know that guy, right? Yeah. I love that guy. You do? Yeah, he's my buddy. He helped mentor
00:16:14
me. Did he? Really? He helped. What year? What year? It was thanks to you, but uh we'll save
00:16:19
it for later. We'll save it for later. Yeah. Yeah. Let me ask Let me ask you something a minute. Let him get settled.
00:16:24
Okay. Is it
00:16:29
good to go? I want to go. Get out of here. Yeah. Get out of here then, [ __ ]
00:16:34
[ __ ] Just get out of here, dude. Anyway, Harlem Williams, everybody.
00:16:40
Harlem Williams. There we go. I I [ __ ] told you it wouldn't work out. I know. You're right. Draft. Draft King Sports Book.
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00:18:12
Simply Safe. I gave this to you and you gave it to me. Simply safe. And you know what? I have never felt safer in my life in my home before because let
00:18:19
me say something. I have um two Filipinos and seven animals in my house. Two two and seven. That's eight animals
00:18:24
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00:18:30
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Simplysafe.com/badfriend. There's no safe like Simplysafe. He doesn't know how to use those things.
00:19:33
No, he's never. Come back. Come back. They sent me back. All right, Mone, get up there and set it up for real for him so
00:19:40
the hippie out here. Yeah, I like that. We should start calling him the hippie. Good job, hippie.
00:19:46
Thank you. H dirty hip. Hippie. He's dirty. Smelly hippie. He's smelly boy. Smelly.
00:19:51
You know why he's smelly? He's not He doesn't have an apartment. He doesn't have anywhere to live. Well, they live in a back of a Volkswagen van with flowers on the side.
00:19:58
He stinks. Dirty FP coming from a guy that goes to Burning Man every year. Yeah.
00:20:04
Not this year, though. Why not? Why? I need a break. Daddy needs a break. What do you do at Burning Man? What's
00:20:09
your What's What do you like? What's your What don't you do? It's everyone in the world should go.
00:20:15
Really? Oh, yeah. But you don't take any drugs or anything like that. Burning Man gives you that window of
00:20:21
exception. Not that I've ever taken any, but if I were to, that would be the
00:20:27
exception. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. You don't do them, right? I don't do Burning Man. Have you ever done hardcore drugs?
00:20:34
Yeah. In my lifetime, of course. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. What's your Which would you What's your favorite? I haven't, but if I did, I
00:20:41
would do it there. Yeah. If I drive out there, do I need a van or a bus? You should rent a uh an RV.
00:20:49
You're out there with an RV? Yeah. They don't accept money out there. No, there's you can't buy anything,
00:20:54
right? So, it's um you're trading. Yeah, that's what they say. But it's
00:20:59
it's it's it's not like like a bartering system. It's just if you need something like if you need a sandwich, you knock
00:21:05
on a trailer, give me you have a sandwich, we'll give you a sandwich. Wow. What you give them in return?
00:21:10
Whatever they ask for. A drink, another sandwich. You could do sandwich or sandwich. Like I could knock on a door
00:21:16
and say, "Hey, could I get a tuna salad sandwich?" Yeah. And they would say, "Sure, but I need an
00:21:22
egg. I would like an egg salad sandwich." And then you do like a sandwich trade, which you don't see a lot anymore.
00:21:27
Nothing says a good sandwich in the desert like tuna. Egg salad. Nothing in
00:21:34
that heat. In that heat. Yeah. It's grilled. Perfect. Yeah. Are there ladies out there?
00:21:39
Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful women. Beautiful. Yeah. All the Victoria's Secret models go out there. They like to
00:21:45
dress up, right? And there's Is there dancings? There's dancings. There's uh It's
00:21:51
mystical. It's magical. Is there any documentation of you at Burning Man dancing? Yeah. I I actually made a documentary
00:21:59
called Burning Men, which I've never released. I actually shot me and Michael Rosenbomb went one
00:22:05
year. I made a documentary of it. Burning Men. Burning Men, I called it. Wow. I should release it one day. It's all
00:22:12
done, edited, everything. But I What's holding you back? I don't know. I just I do a lot of that. I'll make
00:22:18
things and then never put them out in the world. I think we all do that as artists. No, we put it all out.
00:22:24
We put it out. All of it. We've never not put anything out. Wow. Okay. I've put a lot of them put
00:22:29
out. Well, I think you should start putting more out. Yeah, because you're so valuable. Everybody wants you.
00:22:35
Say again now. You're on the rise. You're on the rise. Like yeast. Yeah. Yeah.
00:22:40
And if you let it sit. Exactly. Get yourself some bread. Do you feel that though? Do you feel like that you're on the rise?
00:22:47
No. Oh, okay. Why you winking? Don't. You're tricking him. He's I didn't wink. I did one of these.
00:22:53
Yeah. Have you ever brought Harlon Williams on stage? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's brought me on stage, too.
00:22:58
Yeah. We've done it. We've done it both ways. We go both ways. Mhm. Do you know how athletic he is? It's unbelievable.
00:23:04
I know. Look, I've touched his legs before and they're so strong. It's unbelievable. This guy. You touched my leg? Yeah, we've all touched your leg.
00:23:10
Yeah. Yeah. He asked if I brought you on stage. Your legs are so very strong. Yeah. You know that?
00:23:15
I just literally came from the raetball court uh about an hour ago. I was playing raetball.
00:23:20
Who do you play with? Just the guys on the on the list. But I thought you said that there's another comic that you play. Dane plays with me sometimes. Dane Cook.
00:23:27
Plays. Who else? Vinnie Vaseline. Yeah, Vinnie Vaseline. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you about Dane. Yeah. Is he aggressive?
00:23:34
Uh, yeah. Yeah, he's he's got a got a temper. He's fired up, but that's what you want with sports. Have you played war zone with him?
00:23:40
No. It's insane. Is that Get behind the wall. Yeah. Like he he he takes charge, dude.
00:23:46
Can you beat Dane at paddle ball or raet ball? Easily. He's He's new. I've been playing for like nine years. He's just
00:23:53
He's going to love this. That clip. Yeah. Easily. Easily. It's going to fuel. It's going to fuel his fire. Haron, how come you haven't had one of
00:24:00
your pool parties? You know what? I love your pool party. I know. You got to come up for one. I I still have to have one this summer.
00:24:06
Yeah. Yeah. This summer you haven't had one. I haven't. I've been busy. Yeah. What are you doing?
00:24:12
Uh I was um down in Florida fishing and scalloping
00:24:18
and uh you know just uh taking it easy. I've been taking a a class at Devry.
00:24:25
What are you taking? Well, people always say that I
00:24:31
I have trouble communicating a lot. Uhhuh. And sometimes people say I always like make up stories and they have trouble
00:24:38
like communicating and getting like a real story out of me. This type of
00:24:44
nonsense. What does that have to do with the fry? So, I took a class I took a night class
00:24:52
in communication. I'm taking uh it's immersive. It's called uh Ouija therapy.
00:24:59
Oh, whoa. Have you heard of a Ouija? I know Ouija, but that combo I haven't They combine the two.
00:25:04
They combine it. So, what they do is they train you to because your face is so expressive. So, when I can't get the
00:25:11
words out, uh they sort of assign areas of your expressive face almost
00:25:17
like the keypad on your computer or typewriter, everything's a letter. Yeah. Wow. And since I have trouble like
00:25:24
sometimes getting answers or stories out, right, I've sort of been trained by them to
00:25:30
assign letters to my face. Do W. Well, what you do is you ask me a
00:25:35
question and then I do I thought you because I can't get it out. But if I if I practice my Ouija communication, it
00:25:44
sort of helps. Yeah. Let me ask you a question then. Okay. Um, what is your favorite nocturnal
00:25:49
animal?
00:26:02
Okay. Uh, the answers. You brought You brought a
00:26:08
What is it? You brought a Ouija thing, dude. I'm trying to grow. He's in class.
00:26:14
Don't make fun of him, dude. He brought a Ouija thing cuz he's taking a Devry. He told you.
00:26:20
I know. I thought he was improvising, but this is kind of real. Okay, I apologize. I thought it was a joke that you I thought you were doing improv or
00:26:26
whatever. So, this is real. I didn't get what you were saying there, but um could
00:26:31
I ask again? Wombat, what is my what? Wombat. Your favorite.
00:26:36
What were you saying with the weed? I'm I have to ask again.
00:26:42
All right. All right. What is your favorite nocturnal animal? Jesus.
00:26:50
[ __ ] off. Oh, that this is that was it, not me. Oh,
00:26:56
it was this. It's a spiritual thing there. There are spirits involved. It's Ouija. Wow. It's Ouija. I didn't know. You ask
00:27:02
a question, Andrew. I feel like I know the answer. You [ __ ] off.
00:27:07
Yeah. Yeah. Can I see it? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Just toss it. Good. Toss. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Ask me a question, Harlon.
00:27:14
Uh, okay. Okay, let me think of something deep and meaningful. Uh, what is the meaning of life?
00:27:22
Well, that's too broad. Let me ask you a personal question. Sure. What makes you sad?
00:27:28
This This makes me really sad.
00:27:33
Yeah, this bit makes me sad. The bit makes me sad, too. It makes me sad.
00:27:38
Yeah. Well, maybe you shouldn't enroll at DVI. I'm not going to. Well, I'm glad you enrolled at DVI. I mean that does seem
00:27:44
like it's working very well. Yeah. Do you read? Yeah. What's the last? Recommend me a book.
00:27:50
Have you been to his office? Yeah, I have. It's amazing. It's amazing. He's got books. He's got so much [ __ ]
00:27:56
all over the place. It's beautiful. You have the also the best view of the city. I mean, Shanku.
00:28:01
Shrank Shu. I would say uh man, I would recommend
00:28:06
The Fountain Head by Anne Rand. I've heard of it. I heard it's good.
00:28:12
You're reading a lot of Anne Rand lately. Have you read The Fountain Head? Oh, dude. Is it good? Oh, yeah.
00:28:17
Cuz they did a movie. No, I don't know if they ever made a movie The Fountain Head. I think they attempted I think they did. They attempted it, but
00:28:23
I don't think it was that great. It's too big in scope, but it's a very very uh
00:28:29
Gary Cooper. Oh, Gary Cooper. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, The Fountain Head and Rand
00:28:34
and Rand. Yeah. Read it. I'm gonna read it. Yeah. Are you being You're being real. I feel like you're being real right now. I am.
00:28:40
Yeah. I am going to read that tonight. Well, it's really big, so you won't read it in a night. No, but I'm going to start tonight. I'm
00:28:46
going to audiobook it. Is that okay? It's up to you. But it's one of those books that draws you in and it's one of
00:28:51
those savory books where it becomes part of your life for the time that you're reading it. Oh wow.
00:28:57
And also Stephen King's The Stand is like that because it's a big thicky. Yeah. Kujo is like that with me too.
00:29:03
Kujo. Yeah. You love a good You love I love it. Wow.
00:29:08
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I ran the fountain head. What are you reading?
00:29:15
The Insightful Man by who? I don't remember the guy's name. Look up the name. What's his name? The
00:29:22
Insightful Man book. Yeah, Insight of a Man. The Inside of a Man. Uh, by Leon Mopipi.
00:29:27
Uh, and at first it got me. The Mopi got me. I was laughing when I bought it. I bought it because of the Mipi.
00:29:34
Yeah, I'm not going to lie. I bought it because I saw Mopi and I thought it was funny and it's actually given me a lot
00:29:39
of knowledge and insight. Yeah, it actually is. It's Well, I'd invite you to read my latest book. What is it?
00:29:44
What is it? It's called Uncle Milton. Whoa. Yeah.
00:29:50
And And what is it? Is it a It's a collection of short stories. Are you being real?
00:29:55
Yeah. Wow. Uncle Milton by Har. Haron Williams. Wow. Yeah. It's short stories.
00:30:01
Three short stories that you wrote. Yeah. Wow. Let's see the reviews. Click on the
00:30:06
click on the There's a review. It just came out, so I don't know. Harlon Williams is good at anything he decides to do. His short story
00:30:12
collections are no exception. In the realm of suspension, supernatural, the stories are unique. Good read. I've read
00:30:17
a lot of Stephen King's short stories, and this gives me similar feels. In this collection, there are three separate stories touching on different aspects of
00:30:23
relationships. Three, three is a magic number. The heart and the mind and the body. Harland focused on each of these in turn. Overall, very good. Hoping to
00:30:28
read more books from Harland in the future. Wow. I didn't even know those were there. I like Thank you.
00:30:34
I got Hear Yourself by Prem Rawat. Oh, tell Marashi. The Maharashi.
00:30:41
Oh, wow. Yeah. Do you know why? Why? Cuz I'm going crazy. I need to dilute
00:30:48
the mind. Calm the mind down. What's going on, my guy? Nothing. I don't know what it is, but I'm trying to a lot of anxiety. So, I'm
00:30:54
trying to calm the meditating at night, being mindful about my breath, doing breath work. What's uh causing the
00:31:02
anxiety? I don't know. I don't know the root of it. You must have an inkling.
00:31:07
This special, we've talked about this. Yeah, there's a lot of pressure on the special. He's about to shoot a special. Yeah. When?
00:31:13
In January. Well, it's going to be December, but anxiety thrust it into the new year.
00:31:18
Maybe February. Yeah. Depends on the anxiety. But I don't think you need the anxiety
00:31:23
cuz you're a confident, funny human being. Wow. Are you my messiah or I'm not my
00:31:30
messiah? I'm happy to help. My spiritual teacher. Happy to help you. You know what? I would follow you
00:31:35
if you had a philosophy. What is your philosophy of life? Chocolate. Yeah,
00:31:40
it is really dark. Yeah, I would follow chocolate. Swiss. I like Swiss chocolate.
00:31:45
All right. Me and you, we climb the temple. We get to the temple, right? Yeah, I'm there. We see him. He's in a robe.
00:31:51
We sit, you know, cross-legged. Yeah. Right. We light some candles. We do a little bong bong. Right. Yeah. Our
00:31:57
master's about to speak. What do you say? M chocolate.
00:32:05
And then we go chocolate. Master. Master.
00:32:11
Yes. I have a question. Yes. Stupid. Sorry. Sorry. Because I'm so superior.
00:32:17
I know. Master, I didn't mean that. But master, I'm going through a divorce and my my wife cheated on me. What do I
00:32:23
do? Uh Humphrey Bogart said once that women are like street cars.
00:32:31
One goes and another one is coming right along.
00:32:36
Oh, very good. Master Master Master. Yes. My children have died in a horrible fire
00:32:41
accident. A smelting accident. I owned a smelting factory and my child died. I worked there. I saw them die.
00:32:48
He may have been the person that killed my child. We don't know. M. We don't know yet. Master, what do I do now?
00:32:55
Uh, make some new kids. Ah,
00:33:00
and uh, forget the oldies. Yeah. And and chocolate probably.
00:33:06
And chocolate. Yeah. And I got a hole in the desert you can put the dead kids, too.
00:33:11
Oh, master. Master. Thank you. Thank you, master. Thank you, master. I would love to help you, my guy. I
00:33:19
don't like it when you're you're like, you know, when my guy is feeling anxiety.
00:33:24
Are you talking to me as master or meand slash master? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Master,
00:33:31
you want to help me now? Yeah. Okay. You're a you're a funny funny beloved uh
00:33:37
guy. Don't don't don't feel anxiety. Yeah. I told him. I know. People tell me.
00:33:43
Yeah. Yeah. I just uh I just feel the anxiety. I don't know what it is. is what's your fix? I have you know what I you know what I
00:33:49
have master? Yes. Um imposter syndrome. What's that? I don't feel like um you know people go
00:33:56
oh you're doing well or this and that and I always go you know what I mean? I always downplay it.
00:34:01
Okay. You know I like you know I like just going to a Starbucks and getting my horata my horatada beverage.
00:34:08
You know what I mean? And just being normal. You know what I mean? All that you mean? But then people go oh can we get a photo and this and that. I've
00:34:13
I just I have a conflict about it. What do what's my what do I do master? I would say ride the anxiety like like a
00:34:21
snake like like a dragon like ride it like yes you know this sometimes when you perform
00:34:28
your mood can feed your performance. Sometimes you feel down sometimes you
00:34:34
feel up. Sometimes you feel anxietyridden. But whatever it is just take it onto the stage.
00:34:40
Yeah. And let it be part of the journey. Oh so it I know it'll pass. It might not
00:34:45
pass. You might just say it's going to pass. I think it's going to pass. Use it as fuel on the night of the
00:34:51
special. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I will. Yeah. Oh, let me say something about this about myself. I know this.
00:34:58
When I get a ball, I hit it. You do? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I will hit the ball.
00:35:03
You will hit the ball. I think the anxiety is just giving you, you know, without the anxiety, your
00:35:10
experience might be mundane. And so the anxiety is giving you a little bit. It's life saying, "Hey, feel
00:35:16
the energy. Feel the electricity." That's the anxiety versus you've been doing this a long time. You know the
00:35:23
terrain. I know the ter. And so think of the anxiety as a little electrical charge, a little air under
00:35:30
your feet, and it's going to make it more interesting and provocative and and and infused with life.
00:35:37
Guy, you're the master has spoken. Yeah, I love it. Now go suck a chocolate bar.
00:35:44
That's our messiah. Suck a milky way. Yeah. You're a little You are a little chocolate boy. You love snacks.
00:35:50
Whenever I go to his house, he has snacks. I sleep with a with a can of Pringles like in my arm.
00:35:56
Like I snuggle it. Yeah. Is it a big one? That's a big can. No, it's just a regular can, but I can't. How do you close your arm? But
00:36:02
it's a sour cream and onion and I just Is that your favorite chip? I love it.
00:36:08
Yeah. I just snuggle with it at night. I used to have a teddy bear, a teddy rucks spin. You know the ones that talk.
00:36:13
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Had one. Mine got possessed and spoken tongues and I had to flush it in the toilet.
00:36:19
Literally in the middle of the night I'm stuffing its head in the toilet. Flush. Flush. What was it saying?
00:36:26
Yeah. I hate devil talk. I know that. Yeah. You know that.
00:36:32
No. No. Don't don't don't. You're going to summon it if you do that. You know, one time, this is a true story. I had this um roommate. His name
00:36:37
is Aaron. Redheaded kid. Yeah. Christian, why are you looking at me? I don't know. My eyes just drifted.
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00:39:21
and he goes, "Come to my church." And I sat down and the I guess it wasn't a big
00:39:26
church and the sermon where the preacher eyed me and then everyone started
00:39:33
speaking in tongues and they all touched my head and and as they touched my I stood up and I
00:39:39
literally walked out of the church. Wow. Yeah. I was so scary. Wow. Yeah. Do you think it's real speaking in
00:39:45
tongues when in church? Yes. Oh, you think it's real? There's videos of people speaking in tongues. Ah, they connect to a higher power.
00:39:52
What are you talking about? No, they do. Yeah. Yeah. God speaks through you. The best time to do it.
00:39:57
The best time to do it is when you're performing kunnelingus. Really? Because it's like,
00:40:05
you know, girls love it. They love it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like foreplay. Satan's foreplay. Yeah. See, they were speaking in tongues here.
00:40:11
They can show you this.
00:40:18
Is he a cracker? These guys are just
00:40:25
All right. It is Those guys are just Latian. I don't think that. Yeah. Yeah, that's what it felt like. I'm pretty sure that was just another language.
00:40:31
Yeah, I think you're right. How many languages do you speak? You speak a few, don't you? I speak a little French and a little
00:40:37
German. That's is good. Yeah. Das is good. And that's it. That's That's is
00:40:43
I I did speak a little when I lived there, but I speak a little French because I'm French Canadian, but that's
00:40:50
it. Say, Bobby, it's so good to see you today and I can't wait to go out to eat
00:40:56
with you later. Uh Bobby say Mo Leap
00:41:06
Montreal Fireworks Festival. Wow. Yeah. Wow. That's really good. Yeah, good
00:41:11
lanto panalon lasa eli.
00:41:19
I'll wear my pants to school on something like that. Yeah, I said school. I said school in there, too,
00:41:24
right? How come you guys aren't fighting? Usually when I watch this show, you're
00:41:29
like just going at each other. We were fighting a little bit. No, we were good before. We haven't fought today. We didn't fight. I know, but why?
00:41:35
You want us to fight? I was sort of looking forward to a good fight. Like a bruhaha. All right. Well, give us a topic and we'll fight over it.
00:41:41
We'll fight about anything. Oh, it's your show. You should have the topic. What? You should have the topic.
00:41:48
You were just going to brew a fight. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Usually you're yelling at each other. Well, okay. He said that he liked your
00:41:54
shirt. I hate that shirt. Wait a minute. I was lying. This shirt has a lot of hate shirt. Awful. It's awful. It's [ __ ]
00:41:59
Yeah, it's a [ __ ] shirt. This shirt has a lot. What do you What do you be comb? You like them? This shirt has a lot of sentimental
00:42:06
meaning before you rip into it. I we don't Okay. What is it? Let me guess.
00:42:11
Your uncle Your uncle Harvey was on a Golden Temple Mountain with a panda and
00:42:17
they pooped out an egg. It broke open. And there's a shirt. Cuz you tell stories like that all the time. And
00:42:22
they're not real. Dude, my father died today
00:42:28
nine years ago. Wow. And he died when we were watching the movie. The whole
00:42:34
family were at his house. We were watching Children of the Corn. This is a corn shirt. Yeah,
00:42:41
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm So, Children of the Corn is full of jump
00:42:47
scares. I don't know if you've seen that. Malachi was a scary guy. Malachi. There's the niblet children are
00:42:53
popping out of the rose like just crazy. So, we're at my old man's house. This
00:42:58
guy, you said I like sports. The old man liked fish. He loved fishing. He died today or 9 years ago?
00:43:04
Nine years ago today. Hey, this every year we put on the corn shirt and he had a 9 ft marlin hanging over
00:43:12
the wall behind the couch right here. We're all sitting on the couch. He's got a knife. He loves this. He has fish tanks all
00:43:18
over. He had a fish tank full of piranhas. You ever heard of these things from the Amazon?
00:43:23
Yeah. Piranhas. They eat flesh. They're like piranhas. Pirasana.
00:43:29
He has piran piranha. However you want to Swiss it up. Why would you lie? I don't know.
00:43:34
Well, there's two pronunciations, okay? The botonists call it or students of
00:43:39
ichthology call it piran, right? But the lay person like yourself calls it piranha
00:43:46
lei. So the old man's got a piranha tank over here. He's got a uh 9 foot marlin up on
00:43:53
the wall with the snout. Here we are huddled in the den. We got Pottery Barn
00:43:58
candles on the table. We're all huddled together, nine of us, and we're watching Children of the Corn like we do every
00:44:05
year, which his favorite horror movie. This thing's packed full of jump scares big time. Yeah.
00:44:10
We're sitting there, Malachi pops out with some of the nibblet children out of the corn. We all jump. The old man goes
00:44:18
back, hits the wall. The marlin cuts loose from it. It's hanging on the wall.
00:44:25
This thing comes down. The snout of the marlin goes into the old man's spine.
00:44:31
The old man flails across the room, right? He hits the wall. He hits the
00:44:37
light switch. The [ __ ] ceiling fan starts going on. No. Now this thing's got a wire on the back
00:44:44
of the marlin. Right. Now the wires up in the ceiling fan. But when the old man went back, he put his
00:44:51
hand into the piranha tank. These things took off two of his fingers. Here goes the ceiling fan. It
00:44:58
starts constricting around his neck. He's got a marlin in his spine. He goes to turn off the ceiling fan switch. He
00:45:05
ain't got the fingers that you flick the switch with.
00:45:15
Oh my god. This is my old man. It's like a final destination. Sorry, man.
00:45:20
Yeah. I I I I like the shirt. It's just It's a memor. So before you rip into it, uh this is like in
00:45:27
memorandum of my old man. And let me tell you something. I do like the shirt, okay? Cuz it's You would
00:45:33
never wear it. It's never It's [ __ ] hideous. It's a hideous piece of [ __ ] shirt. It's
00:45:38
insane. It's I don't even know where to buy a shirt. Where did you buy that shirt? Yeah. Look up at Forest Lawn. They've got
00:45:47
at the cemeter cemetery. Wow. You know, everything's a theme. Yeah. Yeah, right.
00:45:52
You can't even find that kind of corn shirt online. Look at it. You can't. Yes, you can. That's it right there. Corn cob background shirt.
00:45:59
No, that's not it, dude. That's not what that is. That's a one of one. Yeah, I think Well, I mean, this is it's not about the
00:46:05
shirt. It's about my father. You're right. Oh, that's right. You're right. You're right. Let's go back to that. Good lord. Yeah, he passed away, guys.
00:46:11
Okay, so um Malachi, if I can reiterate. No, please. Malachi popped out through
00:46:18
the rows of corn. With the niblett children. Yeah. And the niblett children were Well, now
00:46:25
I feel like you're making fun of my dad. No, we're not. I just I we see where you got it for your father. It's for any
00:46:32
occasion. Street leisure, the party or for to commemorate his death.
00:46:38
I I look I think when your dad I mean Bobby, your dad died pretty tragically. Yeah. How did Tell them how your dad
00:46:44
died. My dad died. wearing the shirt as well. Yeah. Yeah. My dad died in a hospice. Oh, no.
00:46:50
Yeah. And he he was like like that for a week and he loved Metallica. He loved Metallica.
00:46:55
That's why he's wearing the shirt. He loves it. A hospice. What What is a hospice? Puppets.
00:47:03
What is a hospice? Oh, it's where people go to bed to die. Harland, I'm sure your fingerless dad
00:47:10
died in one as well. No, he died from the on the ceiling. He died instantly. He died, right? He choked out.
00:47:16
Wow. Who took him down? Oh, I don't want to talk about that, but the cleaning lady. Oh, she cleaning.
00:47:22
Oh, what? The clean the next day or Yeah, we went we had to go out and eat, but uh she came in the next day.
00:47:28
Yeah, cleaned it up. Cleaned it up. Why no socks, Harlon? That's a little weird. Uh oh, I didn't know you were looking at
00:47:34
down there. Yeah. Uh that's one of my pet peeves when people don't wear socks. How about you?
00:47:40
You know, Do you have stinky feet? No. Let me smell your shoe.
00:47:45
Well, no. Take one off. Take one off. Prove it. Cuz otherwise I'm going to find out if you got sticky feet or not.
00:47:51
Yeah. Yeah.
00:47:58
Yay or nay? Yeah. I can't do it. I'll vomit. I can't. I almost threw up. Is it bad?
00:48:03
Yeah. It got me. What's it smell like? My eyes are [ __ ] watering. Yeah. What's it smell like? [ __ ] Yeah, it's bad.
00:48:09
It's pretty bad. Tell me. Let me one. Oh my god. Big whiff. I hate it. Big whiff. I already did it.
00:48:15
Do a big whiff. I can't. Put your [ __ ] nose in it, you [ __ ] There's no way. What's it smell like?
00:48:21
I I Corn, chocolate, all of it. Your dead dad. Everything.
00:48:27
Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Wear socks, Carlland. Jesus. God.
00:48:32
Do you ever wear no socks? You got to do a shoe now. Pour your your drink into your shoe and drink it. That's That's That's what Australians
00:48:39
do. It is. That's what they do. They don't do that. Yes, they do. Shoeies. You've never heard of a Shouy?
00:48:44
Shy. Bring up a Shouy in Australia. That's literally what they do. So, what do you do? You pour a drink in it and you chug it to No, don't do it, Harlin. Don't do it.
00:48:51
It's crazy. It's gross. Well, no. It's a c Look, it's a celebration. All right. What do I do?
00:48:56
You pour Look it. You pour it in and you chug it. A real
00:49:01
Oh my god. Yes. Oh my god. Aussies love you, mate. We love Oh no.
00:49:10
No, I would have. I think I got a hangail. Oh, I got a toenail.
00:49:17
Oh, wow. Wow. Haron, are you in love right now? Yeah, he is. Cuz you seem like you're in love. I do. Yeah, you kind of are bouncing.
00:49:24
I know that you are. Really? What do you mean? He is. I know that you are. I know you personally. I know that you are.
00:49:31
In love with what though? A female. A human. Uh, define.
00:49:37
Uh, a woman with appropriate genitals.
00:49:43
What's inappropriate? I don't know. I don't know. You're in love with a person. Yeah. You're Yeah. human being. Because you've mentioned it a couple of times.
00:49:51
You don't You don't probably notice it because you never go, "Well, I have a girlfriend." But you've said like, "Yeah, the girl that I'm seeing and
00:49:57
we're doing this and that." And it's it's fun. It's I can see a joy off of your face. You do? Well, thank you. Yeah. I I do
00:50:04
have a joy. Yeah. I don't talk about my personal life like you do. I don't.
00:50:09
We're opposites. There are things about me that no one knows. You You're an open book. You're an open
00:50:15
like collection of dictionaries or encyclopedias. Like what don't we know about you?
00:50:21
Okay. No. What? There are some things that he Yeah, there are things I hide. Okay. There are personal things like my recovery or like you know.
00:50:27
Well, you just let it out. No, but like personal things I do with my Okay. Okay. But there's just some things that I do
00:50:33
hide from. I'm not going to say it. No, it's a trick now. I I understand your tricks. Well, I just drank out of a shoe.
00:50:40
You did. He's good at tricks. Yeah, but there are things that uh about you that you do hide a lot. I don't hide. It's not like I'm hiding
00:50:47
them. It's just I choose not to divulge everything about me. It keeps you close.
00:50:53
Like, but what what what does it hurt if we ask you? You can ask. go that you are you are seeing somebody and
00:50:59
that you and we don't want to know specifics but we see a joy radiating from your body.
00:51:05
I love I love that you feel that and sense that. That's all I'm saying. I love that. Yeah.
00:51:11
He wants more. No, I love you. You gave me a ride home that night. We talked deep
00:51:16
in your in his in his car. I got to tell you about this guy's car. You think your old car was a mess?
00:51:23
Yeah. This guy. Yeah. We're at the same time. It's unbelievable. What was in my car? Everything. I don't know what what
00:51:28
wasn't in your car. Wow. Guy, there it was insane. Yeah,
00:51:34
there was there was uh a like a halfbuilt crib, like a baby crib.
00:51:39
Wow. Doesn't have a baby. Yeah. Uh there was a um You remember pegs on on BMX bikes?
00:51:44
Sure. Had had four or five sets of pegs in the back seat. This is all real. This is all real. Hyper like needles.
00:51:51
H what? Hypodermic needles? I don't know. Do you have any of those? You I don't know what you saw. I might have
00:51:56
some. It's just what you saw. He had I'm not kidding. He had a paint bucket. Like a a [ __ ] What are those?
00:52:01
Like a few gallon bucket of Elmer's glue. Well, I have that. Oh, you do have one of those.
00:52:07
Yeah. No, I have hundreds of bottles of Elmer's glue. Do you know why he has glue? Uh well, I know he doesn't like horses.
00:52:15
And glue is primarily made up of groundup horse hooves. That's true. Yeah.
00:52:20
And so I don't like the hooves. I like the horses. Oh yeah. You don't like horses hooves? Yeah. Yeah.
00:52:26
Yeah. Okay. So that's why he has all the glue. Get rid of the the hooves. No, but I Why Why would I have Elmer's
00:52:33
glue at home? Um the way that they seized Diddy's house and got all that baby oil. They seize
00:52:40
your house and have What was he doing with all that? Hundreds of bottles. And who's Elmer, by the way?
00:52:47
I don't know, but I I do want to meet him. I mean, it sounds like a short story you would write. Yeah. Tell us who Elmer is. That's a good
00:52:52
idea. Who is Elmer behind Elmer's glue? Who is that guy? Because he's got to be someone
00:52:57
significant. We've all used his glue. Elmer was a known Elmer's glue is Elmer
00:53:03
the Bull, a character who is a husband of Elsie the cow. Oh, see hoofs. That's almost a slap in
00:53:08
the face to our hoofed friends. Why would you make your logo of the thing you're killing
00:53:15
to make the product? Well, is it ketchup always has a tomato on it? Okay. Well,
00:53:20
yeah. Just slap it down in front. Andrew, good point. Thank you. Great point. Like one of the best.
00:53:26
What I do with Elmer's glue is I dry them onto my hand and I peel them. Oh, so it looks like you have that aging
00:53:32
disease. No, but I I do No, I do like 40 layers with a with a blow dryer.
00:53:37
Yeah. Oh, wow. And then I put a complete glove. Oh, that's so cool.
00:53:42
You know that, right? And I stuff That's so cool. I stuff cotton in them and I draw on
00:53:48
them. Oh, that is so cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, it's like an art thing. I get it. I can relate. What I do is I
00:53:54
sit in the bath for about two hours. Yeah. I get my fingers pruned wrinkled
00:54:02
and then when I get out of the tub, I touch myself with the wrinkled fingers and pretend I'm getting molested by an
00:54:09
87year-old priest. Oh, so I can't have my thing.
00:54:15
I just Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Whoa, dude. Whoa, dude.
00:54:21
Do you love the movie Spotlight? What is it? Okay. Do you ever see it? Yeah, it's a great movie.
00:54:26
Yeah, it's a great movie. What's it about? It's about some of the the some of the friends of the church.
00:54:31
Oh, right. Right. With Michael Keaton. Yes. Whoa. It's a good movie. Spotlight. What is the quote that people
00:54:37
yell at you the most in public when the quote? Yeah. Like something that you said in movies and stuff. What is something Oh, I thought you meant
00:54:43
on the or on the pod. Yeah. No. No. In real life, do people ever say a line to you in public? Uh, well, in real life
00:54:48
they say, "Hey, no chin." I get that a lot because I have no chin. Yeah, you do. Not really.
00:54:54
Turn to this. Oh, yeah. Look at that. It's like a one piece. Like I get, "Hey, no chin a lot."
00:55:00
Uh, the good news is when because it's connected like that, it's, you know, you don't ever It's always protected.
00:55:05
Yeah. Yeah. You You're not going to get knocked out easy. Yeah. It's I'm like almost an instant shadow like punch.
00:55:12
Yeah, dude. You are. In fact, could I ask you? I don't want to be critical.
00:55:19
No, please. I can take anything. You could be as critical. I can take If one thing my father's death taught me
00:55:25
is life goes by fast and anything can bounce off you. So, you can be mega critical.
00:55:31
All right. Well, your face looks like a gigantic canvas, but only drew a little face on the bottom half of the camera.
00:55:37
Oh, so like like one of those cartoon guys that like a caricature. Yeah. So, my face is big and my body's
00:55:44
small or my It's just a longer but it's I like it. It's dimensional. My face is long. Yeah. What about mine?
00:55:50
Well, let's stick with this. No, I want to I want to get to the bottom of your hat. There's no way to There's no hatred.
00:55:57
I thought you said you hated my face. Did I say hate? Did I say hate? No, you No, I observation. I said
00:56:03
what is it again? Say it. What do you think I said? Okay. Long face. Yeah. And it's like, you know what I mean?
00:56:09
This half of the face is where all the this thing. It's like Antarctica. Like if you looked at the like Earth, a big
00:56:15
world. Antarctica. Nothing going on. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. He's saying, you know how you look at
00:56:20
Keep going. Oh. Like when you look at a map. Yeah. Yeah. Of like of like cities and the and and
00:56:28
way down below there's all the city lights. Hold on. And everything else is blown. Hold on. Shh.
00:56:33
Sorry. Got it. [ __ ] off. Yeah. Yeah. I was kidding, dude. You're
00:56:39
very handsome. You I don't know, you know. No, I I got no problem with your face, but I don't mind criticism. I I like it.
00:56:46
It's the only way I can grow. Criticize me like physically or
00:56:51
or just even in terms of my attitude sometimes. You're
00:56:58
a little bit elusive and distant. That's being a ninja. I know, but it's
00:57:03
I have ninjutsu behaviors. Okay, if that's the answer, I accept that as a
00:57:09
friend. Yeah, I think you're deflecting if I'm being honest. But if you want to play the
00:57:14
ninja game, I know what you're saying. This is what you're saying. Talk to me, guy. Guy, I'm here and I'm listening.
00:57:20
Well, I said talk to me. Don't listen. Talk talk to me. All right. Right now, are you getting a little aggressive?
00:57:25
I sure am. You do, but guy. Okay. All right. So, what I want to say I know what it is what you're saying.
00:57:31
Talk. It's like I did your podcast and then you know and then like 6 months later you want me to do it again and I
00:57:37
don't return your phone call. Is that what it is? No. Oh [ __ ] I just think sometimes when buddy
00:57:45
Hey, bud. Buddy Yeah. tries to get close to Buddy.
00:57:50
Buddy doesn't always let Buddy all the way in. Yeah. And maybe Buddy's a little guilty of it, too. What do I What did I do?
00:57:56
I know. [ __ ] Sometimes I feel like there's a little barriers with you two,
00:58:02
between us or No, with me. Like Buddy tries to get in and you guys will open the door so far,
00:58:08
but then Buddy, you kind of put a foot in the door and Buddy can't get all the way in and be buddy. Buddy,
00:58:13
I'm sorry buddy. Can I say this? Every time I see you on the lineup, what do I do? You're sitting there in the booth in
00:58:19
the back. I always walk up beside you and I always say hello. But a hello is fleeting. I always try to
00:58:27
engage. I try to get a conversation going with Buddy. And Buddy sort of
00:58:34
flirts with it, entertains it, but never fully engages with Buddy. And so Buddy
00:58:39
ends up feeling alone and sad when he walks away and turns his back on Buddy.
00:58:45
I see. Well, maybe if Buddy didn't wear corn shirts, we'd have a better conversation. My father was killed.
00:58:51
Yeah. Yeah. And let me tell you, by a Marlin. Also, can I just say something, buddy?
00:58:57
Yes, bud. If you call me being I'm so I'm so emotional I can't even speak. Right. So,
00:59:02
let me let me calm down. I think we're getting somewhere. No, stay stay. This is where the real stuff
00:59:08
comes from. Stay. All right. When you see me in public, right? Why don't you call me by my name? You don't. You call me Sarah
00:59:14
Silverman. Yeah. It's a term of endearment. Do I call him Sarah Silverman? No.
00:59:20
What do you call him? That's special for you. What do you call him? Calls me earthquake.
00:59:25
the big black comedian. He calls me earthquake. That's what I'm saying. Well, what? Yeah. That's why buddy, we can't get in with you, buddy.
00:59:30
Yeah, but why let a title get in the way of our intimacy?
00:59:36
Because when you scream it across a room, hey, there's Sarah Silverman, the whole room turns around and it's me.
00:59:43
It's a little awkward. Well, can't you get around it and engage with me and and be intimate and have a
00:59:50
real conversation for once in your life? Well, how can I have a real conversation
00:59:56
with you when you don't call me by my name? Well, get over yourself, Sarah.
01:00:03
And then I call you Johnny Meatloaf. Fine. I love it. Slap me with the gravy. Okay,
01:00:08
I'm in. All right. It's just a title, but beyond the title. And again, you're deflecting all over
01:00:14
the place. He can see it. I'm not looking at him. You're not looking at me? No, I am. When does the real buddy
01:00:20
conversation happen between us three? We try. You want to sit around all day and eat styrofoam peanuts? Great. I can party.
01:00:28
You know what I would do? But when does the talk happen? Let's go to Joshua's. Okay. Airbnb Airbnb a house. Get a fire going.
01:00:37
I would love I love s'mores.' You know I love the Jewish s'mores. Have you ever had s'mores? Yeah. Yeah.
01:00:42
Are unbelievable. They're unbelievable. You know what a s'more is? I sure do. Yeah. I'll get them off. Ollie'more.
01:00:48
Yeah, I'll get the marshmallow and I'll and I'll get the gapilta fish and we'll have oursel. Isn't it interesting? Isn't it
01:00:55
interesting that you want to drive 3 hours into the desert to open up to your
01:01:00
buddy and I want to open up right here and now while we're right in proximity.
01:01:06
I want to live in the moment. and you want to create some fantasy getaway in
01:01:11
the desert where maybe we can talk, but you know when there's a crackling fire,
01:01:16
it's hypnotic and you can't talk to anyone because you're hypnotized by the
01:01:22
crackling flames. And this is all part of your deflection so that you don't have to look buddy in the eyes and talk
01:01:28
and get to know the real me and I get to know the real Sarah. Get to know you.
01:01:34
Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's get real. Here we go. Finally.
01:01:40
Um, I love you. Okay. How There's a lot of layers of
01:01:46
love. Yeah. But as a comedian, um, you're one of the ones that I feel safe with and
01:01:52
trust. Love this. I feel like you're an ally. I love this. Yeah. I've always had a fun, playful
01:01:58
relationship with you. Like we're two kids in a schoolyard jumping with glee.
01:02:04
Don't you feel that? I do. There's a there's a childlike banter that you and I both have.
01:02:09
But in that schoolyard, and thank you for opening up. Yeah. Yeah.
01:02:14
The janitor built a wall, right? And I need you to get over that wall.
01:02:20
Okay. And come to me. Okay. I'll break. Maybe your friend Little Red over here,
01:02:25
too. I'm the janitor. I'm building the wall. Someone's got to clean up this mess. And now No, now since I was on the hot
01:02:31
seat, you talked to Harlon about how you feel.
01:02:36
Harlon, I I don't get you. Don't make a joke. All right. Get real.
01:02:42
It's a comedy show. I know, but get real for a second. He made it real. Thank you. All right. Yeah. You're welcome, buddy.
01:02:47
Haron, you're one of the most elusive comedians I've ever known.
01:02:53
Talk to me. Is that hurtful? No. Is that a Is that Is that hurtful to you?
01:02:59
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Can't pin you down. Don't know you. I just don't know the real you. tried.
01:03:05
Tell me how you've tried and let me hide. Help you get there. You hide. How? What can I
01:03:10
I want to help you get there. Guys, intervene real quick. Yeah, please like the story about your dad. Yeah.
01:03:16
I don't think that's real. I don't think that's real. Would I show up in a corn shirt?
01:03:23
If it wasn't real, that's what I'm saying. We're worried about it. Can I say another thing, please? Is you did a pod a couple years ago with
01:03:28
my brother Steve. Steve Oo. Stevie Weebi. Stevie Weebi. That's my little brother, Steve. It's your little brother. Yes.
01:03:35
Right. And you had a little cap in your jacket. Sure. From my dad, a momento.
01:03:40
Yeah. And the cap was what? A mushroom cap. A mushroom cap from a man's penis. Well, my dad was in the circumcision
01:03:47
game. That's what I'm saying. Is that his profession? I don't know. Don circumcisions down on
01:03:54
Melrose 782. It's right over the door. It says, "We love it when you leave a tip." And it
01:04:01
was right over the door. I know. I I remember. Yeah. I guess I have had some procedures. Urban Outfitters. Yeah. I've been there.
01:04:07
Been there. Yeah. So that's your dad, Don. Don. Yeah. And he tragically died the way you
01:04:14
described him dying. Yeah. Watching Children of the Corn 9 years ago today.
01:04:19
What's wrong? Why? Okay. All right. You are being real.
01:04:24
Sometimes you have to because it seems seems not real. Fantastical. Yeah. It seems fantasy. Yeah. And it seems like it's not
01:04:31
grounded in reality. Hey guy, everyone has their journey. Sorry if I'm not in your playbook. Sorry
01:04:36
if I don't uh I'm not a cookie cutter. I'm just living my life. Sorry my dad
01:04:43
got a sailfish through his spine. Uh yeah, sue me. Okay, we all got our stories.
01:04:49
Don't sue him. Okay, we'd like you to be unsued. Yeah, he would. I don't want you to get sued. Well, now I want to get
01:04:56
Haron, talk to Andrew about how you can be a better friend. How can I be a better friend to the and man? Like, I
01:05:02
want to get in. I want to be close. I want to let you in. How do I do it, my guy?
01:05:08
I just don't think you can keep wearing those corn shirts. Yeah, me either. And any foods.
01:05:13
It's only one day a year. Yeah. No more food. I've seen you with uh barbecue with actual barbecue on your shirts.
01:05:19
Well, that was real like stains. Yes. Yeah. Wash it. Okay.
01:05:24
Yeah. Yeah. Um, but you know, outside of that, I I think the only way to really
01:05:30
get to know you is to spend time with you without clothes, without restriction
01:05:35
in a spa talking naked. You said strip away the fire, strip away all the distraction.
01:05:41
I agree. I think we should go to the We should go to the Korean spa. We should go to the Wii Spa. The Wii Spa with you. Get naked. Sit
01:05:46
around like real men and just like real men. Would you want to see this naked? Yeah, but I mean
01:05:54
it's not it's not a challenge. What I have under this fabric, do you want to see it?
01:06:01
Seeing is not the right word. Witness is the word. Witnessing. I'd like to witness it. You would? Yeah. What is it about what's under this
01:06:09
fabric that is provocative for you? This is just a shroud. Whatever you've got on this this this the clothes are as
01:06:16
uh as as false. It's a shield. Yeah, it's a shield. Shield to your heart. What part of my
01:06:21
anat I guess so I prep for your penis. That's the part of my anatomy. I've never seen it.
01:06:27
Okay. Okay. Have you visualized it in your head? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Would you like to describe it to your
01:06:32
audience? Yeah. Corn dog. But a Korean one. So there's like stuff on top of the the
01:06:38
breading when they dip it in stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So it's got like corn nuts and like you know little snacks,
01:06:43
little bacon bits, you know. I don't feel like it's a salt. I feel like there's other flavors involved. Well, let me say this. Go ahead.
01:06:51
We're going to go to the spot of connect and I think that will bond us together. We'll get through we'll get rid of all this other crap.
01:06:56
They have shorts there that you can wear if you're like I'll go I'll go pink. I when I'm nude I look like a shrimp by
01:07:02
the way. A cocktail shrimp. That's me too. And if I curl my body sort of like this. Yeah. I look like a cocktail shrimp.
01:07:09
Like you know how they hang them on the glass? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Like I'm pink like that. Yeah, that's fine.
01:07:15
I'm me like that. Me too. Yeah. So what? Just so I can uh put this into context, the three of us
01:07:22
sitting naked in a spa getting to know each other. Is it a steam room? Like can we
01:07:28
rice on a steam room? The whole bit. So is it like I'm watching almost like a ship emerging through the fog, your
01:07:35
pasty white bodies or is it a clean steam room where the air is clean and I
01:07:41
can have a crystal clear There is there is steam. There is steam. So it's ghostly.
01:07:46
Sometimes you can't even watch me walk in. I'm just there. Wow. Yeah. Like a ghost. It's just like Yeah. I know. That swirling
01:07:53
mist. Almost like John Carpenters. The fog. Exactly. The fog. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. You wait in there long enough.
01:07:58
Yeah. And the karate ghost appears. Wow. I'm in, guys. Let's recap.
01:08:04
Okay. We learned a lot about you. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, I thought you were recapping. No, I
01:08:11
was say my dad used to do a lot of recapping down at Dawn Circumcision.
01:08:18
Yeah. Oh, you could reattach? Yeah. Oh, he did that procedure as well. Yeah. Wow.
01:08:23
Yeah. Every now and then there was a slip up, right? But uh to I want a thicker cap. Can I get mine
01:08:29
replaced? Uh how thick are we talking? Shaquille O'Neal. Whoa. Yeah. Big.
01:08:34
Really big. Black. Like a hub cap almost. Yeah. I want a hub cap. Wow. Haron, we we we hope we get closer.
01:08:41
Yeah. Yeah. I think I like that. I don't know that it's going to happen. I feel I feel farther away, actually.
01:08:46
Got to be honest. Yeah. Don't you feel farther away? Maybe the mystery Yeah. Maybe the distance makes us more
01:08:54
interesting to people now than we ever were. Maybe this was an exercise in distancing ourselves from each other.
01:09:00
Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. And your crowd now sort of sees us as a Nancy Drew
01:09:06
Hardy Boys mystery type of setup where maybe we don't want to give the ending
01:09:11
away. Wow. Let's not do it. Let's not do it. I'm in. I'm in too, bud.
01:09:16
You in? I'm in. Nancy Drew, the mystery of the swirling
01:09:22
steam room. Yeah. Go.
01:09:27
Are you good at puzzles? Yeah. Good. Hit me. You want a riddle?
01:09:34
Sure. Can I give him a riddle? Yes.
01:09:40
Grandfather, his son, and his son, they go fishing. You caught up yet?
01:09:45
Yeah. Okay. On the way home from fishing, they get in a car accident.
01:09:51
The grandfather's son and his son's son die. No. No. That's not what it That's not
01:09:56
what it is. Let me start Let me start from the top. Let me start from the top. Let me start with the top. You just riddled yourself. You know that.
01:10:02
Grandfather, his son, his son. Well, that's why the phrase is riddle me this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Grandfather, his son, his son. They go fishing, right? On the
01:10:09
way back, the grandfather grandfather and his son died. The grandson lives. He's in the operating table at the
01:10:14
hospital. And the surgeon walks in and says, "I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. What happened?"
01:10:21
It's his mother. Very good. You're good. Good puzzles.
01:10:26
The surgeon was his mother. Yes. Yeah. That was way too easy.
01:10:33
Do you have a riddle for him? No, that was that was really easy. Yeah, it was easy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I know any other
01:10:40
Oh, yeah. I got one. I know where you got that riddle, by the way.
01:10:45
What? You're going to love this guy. Okay. That riddle
01:10:51
came from an episode of All in the Family where Archie and Meathead and Little
01:11:00
Girl and Edith toiled over that one because back in the 70s
01:11:07
it was always presumed that a surgeon would be a male. So back in the 70s,
01:11:13
that was actually a very difficult riddle to figure out because people
01:11:19
weren't accustomed to picturing women as surgeons. I know. And so many people didn't get that
01:11:25
riddle. And this ain't the 70s anymore. Still All right, guy. I got another one for
01:11:31
you. And if you want to look that one up on YouTube, the uh riddle with the uh
01:11:36
I got another one for you. You don't believe me? I got another one for Everything Haron says is fake and wacky like his dad
01:11:42
didn't die by a sailfish. But look it up on YouTube. All in the family. Doctor
01:11:48
riddle. Surgeon riddle. Look it up. Wow. That's naturally on in the show.
01:11:53
I told you that's where it's from. Wow. Okay. Well, I was just There it is.
01:11:58
And I'm the guy that makes [ __ ] up. Okay. How dare you, sir? Here's another riddle.
01:12:04
How dare you? with your nutty little koala fingers and your chocolate fudge
01:12:09
cluster eyes and your coconut cream pie pubis.
01:12:14
How dare you, sir? I apologize. One more riddle before the we Yes, please.
01:12:20
There's 100 cows, 28 chickens. How many didn't? How many didn't?
01:12:25
Yeah, cuz it was her mother. There's 100 cows and 28 chickens. How many
01:12:32
didn't? None. No priest. No. 80.
01:12:39
Why? 28 chickens. 28 chickens. How many didn't?
01:12:46
[Laughter] 28 ate them?
01:12:52
80. He didn't. Haron. Thank you for being Thank you for being a bad friend.
01:12:59
Uh, guys, surprise. I'm not done. Woo!
01:13:11
Yeah! Woo!
01:13:18
[Music]
