00:00:00
hey what up bad friends I am here in New York City baby the big schmapple uh I'm
00:00:06
running around promoting my new special my new special cheeseburger drops tomorrow tomorrow on Netflix it is out
00:00:14
please watch it tell a friend tell everyone you know sit back relax and enjoy a cheeseburger with me on Tuesday
00:00:20
night on Netflix tomorrow please watch it January 10th share with everybody you know cheeseburger on Netflix also bad
00:00:28
friends just added a date go to badfriendspod.com we're doing uh the Nashville Comedy Festival to start off
00:00:34
our tour it's the only day that we put up so far outside of the three that we're doing in February so go to
00:00:40
badfriendspod.com to see us come see us in Spokane in Seattle and Vancouver and then uh we are going to be starting the
00:00:46
bad Friends tour out there in Nashville baby on 4 20. badfriendspot.com is where
00:00:53
you're going to get those tickets and uh please watch cheeseburger on Netflix now
00:00:58
hey all you bad friends out there it's juicy jet ski Jeffrey ski mask whatever you want Johnson anyway after you watch Andrew's special cheeseburger on Netflix come check me
00:01:12
out San Jose Improv January 18th I'm headlining my own show Do You Know the Way to San Jose if not it's a really easy Google search
00:01:23
that's how I got directions to the club okay hope to see you thanks for all the support love you guys bye you two are bad friends who are these two idiots
00:01:36
[Music] we're bad friends God has certain prototypes body wise body wise prototypes and this is the Maddie Matheson you're a man it's a timeout
00:01:49
timeout first of all that's a friend of mine but don't compare stop to Maddie Matheson yeah no he took the body not
00:01:55
all fat bodies are the same although he's explained he is a little titties big belly guy oh God that is that is there's a I I think that is the you know what actually I'm gonna do a
00:02:07
full 180 I'm actually on Bobby's side here thank you because because I do believe this is the best fat body to
00:02:13
have is little titties big stomach you don't want to be too fluffy you want to be hard yeah you want to be compact
00:02:19
smooth right look at my [ __ ] oh sexy dog no ripples yeah and I weighs three pounds are athletic I am shockingly athletic yes yeah you can't run far but
00:02:31
you're not fast yeah yeah yeah right this guy he runs quick not fast quick yeah is long-term like Gimli remember
00:02:36
the Lord of the Rings yeah he was like catching up with Legolas that's the kind of guy I am in a video game yeah yeah
00:02:42
the hammer the guy with a big hash first of all shout out to stop so Stavros is on the show today
00:02:48
who's got a calendar out right now 2023. that's right get it right now you [ __ ] [ __ ] stommy.biz stop business
00:02:56
damn it's perfect fire I need to work okay if I didn't look at the face like is that kick Moss no I need to work on
00:03:02
my yeah yeah no also stab's Mom baked us cookies shout out to Little V a little bit little feet little VC rules and
00:03:09
Bobby initially said some dumb [ __ ] Bobby no no you didn't I don't like homemade
00:03:16
cookies I'm not gonna eat it oh come on lame you think he looks like that from from not you think my mom doesn't make
00:03:21
good cookies whoa okay so explain this to him because he doesn't know what these are okay so we have three
00:03:28
varieties there we've got your classic baklava baklava baby but actually and that's a that's a standard but actually
00:03:33
I think the other two are where my mom really shines uh we have the kurabier which is the little powdered sugar one
00:03:40
that's a butter cookie that's that's just awesome I am you know Stamos I wish I did that's
00:03:48
my he's your leader I know dude no absolutely wait a minute Giannis Papas I don't know how he's got to connect but
00:03:55
you and Giannis know each other we do so he's talking Stamos yo it's [ __ ] Greek you know Stamos he does he knows he
00:04:11
knows all sorts of weirdos you watch your mouth about John Stamos no no I just mean people
00:04:17
he's not gonna pick up for me of course let's see if he does he wants to wakes up say the correct way to say this stuff
00:04:24
yeah there it is all right should I FaceTime it yeah he's not gonna answer so you do
00:04:29
whatever you want these are so good they're really good and that's not even our best cookie the brown one called the Melo Market I don't know careful dude
00:04:36
yeah wait What's this called stop melocano it's an almond that one is that one is a orange peel olive oil cookie
00:04:48
you're gonna love it damn bro tasting this oh soak that [ __ ] in in uh honey that's that's your magnum opus
00:04:55
[ __ ] John no no no no no dude he really embarrassed you he's a [ __ ] he diminished you in my eyes man he's not the leader man you're the new leader thank you you're the new leader dude I
00:05:08
appreciate that yeah can I tell you something is this good I'm not kidding so good it's so [ __ ] look at people
00:05:14
she's out of she's um this one that's a great one no no the the brown one is her
00:05:20
best cookie though which one this one right here just tell them how to say it okay let's see
00:05:33
that's not bad dude you were closer to the end yeah I'm out time out Drew Jan pop Yan pop you're on bad
00:05:40
friends right now Stavros is here okay yeah sure yeah I should feel it the Greeks are taking over bro this is their thing this is their thing we're talking in code that's true it's Kanye stuff
00:05:54
guys Jan I'm gonna say something real fast and I love you to death we just ate Mela mechanicanov made by his mom he's on
00:06:05
he's on some heavy Greek [ __ ] it's so [ __ ] good I'm gonna throw this out to you and I know you're with your family I
00:06:11
know it's late what time is it in New York it doesn't matter midnight Yanni answers for me you got a child
00:06:23
for dinner that's right sure that's true yeah I gotta know real talk cause I love you we're old friends how come you
00:06:29
haven't introduced staff to [ __ ] Stamos [Music] do you hear me yes topless who's the Trojan Horse that's coming through be
00:06:53
honest I just called you why didn't you switch over I just [ __ ] called you why don't you
00:06:59
switch over did you get my calls did you get my call I saw it I saw it coming in
00:07:04
I saw it coming in I saw it coming in Bobby but I didn't even know you were there I mean when you're there are you
00:07:11
even there by the way let's be real how far how close is Italy and Ireland to Greece
00:07:17
much closer than South Korea it's not even yeah nice try and the thing about Greek is they do have a very rigid ranking of the races right and you're
00:07:24
not up there oh you in my personal ranking Koreans are way up there okay good give me give me the Greek ranking
00:07:30
and I'm gonna I'm gonna give you the Korean rank timeout Giannis I love you I'll talk to you soon
00:07:36
you know what I don't actually think ranking race is just another way to start the podcast I think I've changed
00:07:41
my mind no no no that's how we start it is on this spot yes he's great by the way no no no no let's be honest the best be nice to Little V be nice to love you
00:07:52
some of the best cookies I've ever had homemade in my phone I'm trying to convince you to go Bakery mode with it 100. I wanted to open up a bakery it's
00:07:59
so good I'll I'll be honest with you yes please okay yes did I say it right you close there you go he's never gonna get
00:08:06
it yeah I got it he nailed this I'll never try the last name though no it's not that hard give me give me a shot hockey is Stavros
00:08:14
no even still you say it Stavros he rolled the r wow Korean tongue dude I can't do that
00:08:28
[Laughter] [Laughter] does that affect you eating [ __ ] what do you mean if you can't roll an R that's not a good sign for how you eat [ __ ] I don't mean yeah no no I don't
00:08:58
want to start our relationship you're right you're right but you know what you know how about this though let
00:09:04
me make it a car analogy okay please some cars have faster shift right what I don't think [Laughter]
00:09:34
some cars have stick shifts okay right there you go like a uh Mustang right sure sure right yeah and some cars are automatic they're a smart car right
00:09:45
right I'm just going to say yes one car goes faster than the other right but they both get there
00:09:56
dude honestly there was a lot of like there was a lot of scenery around there that was unnecessary we didn't need the stick shift there was
00:10:09
mainly a speed analogy yeah but I can't roll the tongue but um I can do stick it in the hole is that good show how you
00:10:16
eat boxes are you being real though yeah all right I need a thing then can I make a vagina
00:10:23
out of this yeah whatever you want all right you know what you know what's cool this is what I'm gonna do imagine like
00:10:28
you know David Fincher sometimes like you know like if Brad Pitt's legs are pretty good it's looking he puts the
00:10:35
camera in the sink to look up right right so imagine the camera's in the vagina are you guys are you getting into
00:10:41
uh filmmaking yeah so imagine that right so okay oh [Laughter] [Laughter] because Andrew was telling me that you get a lot I do yeah yeah how is that
00:11:23
possible you just gotta believe in yourself time out take a second take a second go and insult my friend
00:11:29
I wasn't insulting it awesome here's the thing it was coming from a legit place of Wonder from a little fat guy yeah
00:11:39
in your head you're asking me how do I get girls right yeah well yeah I can see it I can see originality I could see it
00:11:46
with you as well yeah I just wanted the people to listen okay so let me be the moderator as a not fat guy what do you
00:11:52
think he had what do you think he does to get the puss and what do you think he does to get the puss what do you think
00:11:58
his strengths are with the puss and what do you think his strengths are this is good oh this is good this is good that's a good exercise and I'm gonna be real
00:12:03
not funny please let's go real right you're always not you're always real [Laughter]
00:12:33
sometimes the pods have a really fast do you believe that because of your comedy and what you do for a living you
00:12:52
know stand up and potting this and that gave you confidence enough to get the girls
00:12:58
um it just it just initially probably thank you yes initially yes I'll give you that yeah yeah but what I'm asking you is is that the flow before your Stavros yeah right probably was average
00:13:13
I still [ __ ] more than I should have dude okay good but not much how many times a year you think how many times a
00:13:21
year did I [ __ ] before the staff ask a month how many times a month oh [ __ ] month year yeah year a week how
00:13:29
many times a month is it more accurate how many times a month would you uh okay let's see here
00:13:35
there see I started there was a there's a real turning point when I got when I was getting [ __ ] when I I moved out of my family's house right that college I had a college girlfriend I [ __ ] one
00:13:47
girl right the whole time red hair [ __ ] freckles probably I wish that's enough college girl I did fantasy
00:13:55
they're always redheads long stockings Pippy long stockings um let's say before I was popping I could tell you actually I'll tell you in the year there was one year before I
00:14:13
moved to New York yeah that was the first time I lived with my friends not outside of my house and I [ __ ] 10
00:14:19
girls that year and that was a nice one a month almost and that was a nice one for a fat guy that's a great number I was any guy any
00:14:25
guy and he's dating two of them so I slowed down you know dude let me tell you something I'm gonna it was a nice
00:14:31
year I'm gonna level that was the first year of getting [ __ ] for me I'm gonna bring this back down to earth oh let's go ten guy ten ten girls
00:14:38
almost one a month for any dude good looking dude even still a good nap still a really good number interesting that's a really good number yeah if you're not if you're not gonna get [ __ ] let's get
00:14:48
specific yeah but even the go out and get [ __ ] guy he's so aggressive he's he's maybe getting three in one month and he sent two three months you're
00:14:55
right right yeah yeah you're consistent for my information how many of those is raw dog
00:15:00
oh boy well this was a while ago right it's a deep cut this was what years ago oh dude ten years was
00:15:07
they were no AIDS then no yeah I'm gonna say I did buy a couple plan B's oh actually you know what you know what I had a very scary thing happen this is a great this thank you for reminding me this Kevin I was with uh so in that year
00:15:19
I dated two girls like kind of on again off again regularly may I ask what race uh they these were both white women [ __ ]
00:15:26
yeah I'm trying I was trying to go I was trying to go white free 2022 and that blew up in smoke I was dating a Korean girl actually and then she got a boyfriend while I was on the road oh [ __ ] yeah and I was dating a different I
00:15:38
was I was in a Mexican Korean Zone where I had a little roster well because they're kind of really I don't think so yeah what do you mean Filipinos are the
00:15:49
Mexicans of of Asians yeah the disappointment meter of your parents is like more no no leaning one his mom's
00:15:55
busy making these cookies she don't give a [ __ ] about who he's piping my mom is very is actually very uh Progressive woman she would be happy if I Little V
00:16:02
Little V doesn't care if I came home with a woman of any race she's so happy stoked she wants me to have she wants
00:16:07
grandkids she doesn't care what color they are God bless she's the [ __ ] she's the best God bless move on
00:16:13
um so yeah yeah so uh I was dating this girl and we were watching that this was the year
00:16:19
that Jenny slate movie about getting an abortion oh yeah I remember yeah yeah uh Problem Child Obvious Child Obvious
00:16:26
Child obviously yeah Problem Child was the little that was what I was in yeah yeah that was my movie yeah yeah that was my foreign yeah so I had been dating
00:16:33
this girl for like two months and it come in fully raw dogging her yeah just fully didn't bust in because I was still a little I was a gentleman I was a little skit too scared when you say
00:16:46
fully is there a half way of doing it yeah it's like what you do you put a couple you took a couple swipes you're
00:16:51
like half him what does that mean you're fully erect penis only reaches half in I think is what he's getting is that what your main
00:16:56
my dick size Jordan there is there is a way to it was it was a joke and you missed it no no I got it yeah no I got it yeah yeah yeah yeah well how big is your piece Bobby what
00:17:09
are you mad at Andrew for here that's Bobby's penis is that not your penis is that not your penis okay can I say something is that or is that not your opinion say yes or no fast yes okay thank you
00:17:21
but in one step like is Bruce Banner Hulk [Laughter] all right so you're so by the way so yes collect more information so you know all right well let me finish this one the
00:18:02
plan B the plan B Store yeah we'll Envision so you're fully raw dogging fully which by the way there isn't such
00:18:07
thing as kind of raw dog and that's when you get like four pumps in before putting the condom on shoot yourself to
00:18:13
a couple pumps you're like come on you can't catch [ __ ] I feel like yeah you feel like
00:18:21
Europeans do it that way yeah you know what that's like that's like trying ice cream at the shop just a little yeah yeah
00:18:29
[Laughter] I said I've just been maybe even a maybe even I nutted once anyway um she we're watching this movie and it's a
00:18:41
Jenny slate has a you know and she's like oh my God I just I could never do that like I could just never have an abortion but you just never had this conversation I assumed I'm dating an alcoholic in Baltimore we're both in our
00:18:52
early 20s like of course you're getting an abortion and then I'm like oh well that's kind of [ __ ] crazy that you're
00:18:58
telling me this but thank God you're on birth control and she was like I'm not on birth control
00:19:04
and my life flashed before my eyes Bro [ __ ] I was like she was Christian she wasn't even she just like she probably had Christian parents yeah probably some something got into her head to be like
00:19:16
abortion is wrong and I'm not taking birth control right right right anyway that my whole [ __ ] life flashed
00:19:21
before my eyes oh my gosh that's crazy I have just been absolutely no condom whatsoever yeah just no event I wasn't
00:19:28
even thinking about writing on a condom for months so so this guy now though he's being a good boy now but now I'm up
00:19:34
to 85 condom usage oh that's pretty good number yeah I literally don't know even know how
00:19:40
they work yeah I open it up I blow on I don't know I generally do yeah wow yeah he does well Koreans don't get it well in Korea I've never been a Korean with a thing
00:19:53
well you know in Korea comes with award or anything like that condoms are illegal they treat condoms in Korea like
00:19:58
menthol cigarettes here right yeah they're illegal yeah they're against the law I don't have sex with a
00:20:04
lot of people no no why not you could be having sex you could have sex with many people as you want yeah but you know what I have a ethic no you
00:20:16
don't is that how you say it you don't have it I just sounded so you don't even know how to say it I have ethic you don't have anything yeah that's not the
00:20:23
way you use that word and you don't that's not how you use that word I have ethics I guess right and immorality yeah what is this tell them read it what it says okay ethics is Right moral
00:20:36
principles that govern a person's Behavior or the conducting of an activity you have some government Behavior
00:20:42
person's behavior of the con and by the way guys stop using the podcast just launched you're going to want to subscribe this world you think you're leaving you're not leaving it no no no I know yeah you're getting more you get
00:20:53
the plug-in right up top establish you don't want to be in a relationship though uh I do I mean I was in one I was
00:21:00
in one for a while how long we broke up we were dating for like two years yeah and then we broke up and I was on the road right after the pandemic and I just
00:21:07
got my little titty socks from see the shining sea for a little bit Yeah and for me when I go on the road I can't get
00:21:13
it because I'm gonna close I can't open and close in one night what do you mean yeah you can no I can't I could open
00:21:18
hard but I can't close what I'm talking about like I I because it's for me it's like you know hey like let's say you're
00:21:25
a club okay all the all this stuff is done for the work is done you were so funny tonight oh you think so yeah what
00:21:32
are you doing after this um you want to be Instagram friends I always do that yeah that sucks I mean
00:21:39
harder I make it more challenging I was just gonna suck your dick yeah yeah okay can I really let's just cut to the chase
00:21:45
right can we role play though or no I want to play the girl I love ship station because we Andrew have an online company we expect station
00:21:57
and we rely on we want efficient yep trustworthy yep thing yes we do and that's why we use shipstation to get our merch to you guys we've been using it for a long time and I got to tell you
00:22:08
something uh they have the best rates in the industry and they just got even better with 86 off USPS and UPS rates
00:22:15
it's not a question of if you should switch to ship station but why you haven't already shipstation helps you
00:22:21
get there faster whether you run a side hustle or a giant Warehouse keep customers happy and fulfill more orders
00:22:26
than ever all while cutting down shipping costs and managing it all from a single dashboard it's impressive what
00:22:31
they do they automate routine shipping tasks they print shipping labels and they easily compare rates and delivery times to optimize every single shipment
00:22:38
so it doesn't matter what you're selling doesn't matter who's pushing it through for you they have 130 000 companies that have grown their e-commerce business
00:22:44
with ship station 98 of the companies that stick with ship station for a year they become customers for life make the
00:22:49
New Year your best year and grow your business with ship station the promo code is bad friends and it's
00:22:55
shipstation.com to sign up for your free 60-day trial that's shipstation.com promo code bad friendshipstation.com
00:23:02
bad Friends porn promo code doordash you know I get a lot of food from door down
00:23:07
I think you exclusively get food I would be dead without them I know not only get I get other things as well you've got
00:23:13
back-to-back meetings errands to run yes a chores to take care of I do what's the secret to clearing your to-do list well
00:23:19
tell me a Little Help from doordash you can get dinner household essentials and everything on your grocery list delivered that makes no sense that makes a lot of sense because I got to tell you something you need last minute stuff
00:23:30
like school supplies or an impromptu dinner or fresh flowers for a loved one which Bobby usually sends to me but he
00:23:35
hasn't in a couple of weeks doordash is there for you listen you guys know what doordash is we've talked about it before
00:23:41
it's incredible if you're not using it you're a fool other delivery other delivery service systems are not as
00:23:47
efficient and not as easy to use and I think not as efficient in my opinion stores and restaurants uh the dash is
00:23:54
driving around every purchase provides a new opportunity for everyone involved because doordash there is a neighborhood of good in every single order with over
00:23:59
300 000 Partners you can support your neighborhoods go-to's or choose from your favorite National restaurants like
00:24:05
Popeyes Chipotle and Cheesecake Factory for a limited time our listeners get 50 off that's half off up to a 20 value and
00:24:12
zero delivery fees when you download the doordash app and enter the code bad friends 2023. that's 50 off up to a 20
00:24:18
value and zero delivery freeze when you download the doordash app in the app store enter code bad friends2023. don't forget that's code bad friends 2023 for 50 off up to a 20 value and zero
00:24:30
delivery fees with doordash subject to change terms apply no I thought he gets into character actor Studio yeah just tuck your penis
00:24:50
into your balls no no yes sir Korean women's ass are flat so I want to do the flat walk guys she didn't
00:25:01
have a flat Ash no she had a nice ass she was shot he's saying she's hot act hot this is
00:25:08
somebody get this frumpy [ __ ] out of my line hi hey how's it really Finance Dave thank you I'm song hey
00:25:20
that sounds like a really cool not racist name I love your humor it's edgy what's so many kids
00:25:32
I have a little uh lychee fruit tits yes you think maybe I could put those bad boys in my mouth or what both of them one at a time whatever your
00:25:43
preference is yeah but we're like we're at a club at my hotel room I'm actually staying right around the corner yeah yep
00:25:50
um how about tomorrow I'm really I'm not gonna be around it's all good it's tonight or nothing
00:25:56
but either way Knock knock hello could you never tell me your hotel room number so I knocked on every single door and this is the 40th door and I'm so
00:26:09
glad because I was gonna be like my last one you see what he does yeah yeah that's how he gets to suck on tits right so it's true you want to suck on the
00:26:16
tits yep okay A little dirty why because I just [ __ ] worked out pretty much I went to every floor knocked on everything so they're sweaty not dirty yeah yeah oh yeah can I sprinkle them in the faucet no no I need it
00:26:32
all right like all the sauce yeah okay let me get some fun all right first tip you want to start with uh
00:26:44
oh man they're kind of smaller than I was expecting yeah anyway with this one yeah I guess yeah hey you want to just
00:26:51
go ahead and just suck me off well that's how you do honestly yeah that is legitimately though yeah I am just like hey do you want to come in my hotel room dude they say no get rejected
00:27:03
yeah we'll get rejected and in the hotel room hey you want to suck me off do you get rejected there in the hotel room I
00:27:09
do not care but you say that directly hey you want to suck me off if someone's coming to your hotel at [ __ ] midnight
00:27:14
what do you what do they think is happening yeah they all know what's up they know and here's the other thing Bobby that you that you should do put
00:27:20
out a sexual Vibe look at the calendar I handed you oh I mean that's a guy if you're coming to that guy she'll tell him you don't think you're sucking his
00:27:26
dick oh I get it see I've put it up animals exactly you love the animal yeah yeah I've put it out into the world that this is what I'm into and if you're if you're
00:27:39
responding to it you you're that's all about the score let me ask you Andrew but don't but don't you get it though
00:27:44
like this is what I say to you he I was once like you his yeah I was as a youth I don't know why the [ __ ] I honestly I would expect you to [ __ ] so much more I'm saying I see it in you I see [ __ ]
00:27:57
getting in you yep I really do you know but I'll be honest with you can I say something please I'm more of a
00:28:02
relationship guy are you or is that where you're telling yourself oh interesting interesting interesting interesting you might be
00:28:09
ultimately you might be but I think also you wouldn't mind getting [ __ ] a lot for six months well does that sound bad
00:28:15
you know that's okay 24 different tits in a six month period does that sound bad to you [Laughter] um but can I say something it's just
00:28:27
that um I think it's me like I don't I get weirded out by people you know I mean and like you know they'll say certain things and they'll just get weirded out and I can't do it okay I just I think that's just a weird guy
00:28:38
what do you mean that's you are a weird guy for sure but yeah you can't [ __ ] no it's like you know I've never seen Star
00:28:43
Wars that'll throw me off oh here's a good dude you're in luck the internet is flooded with like autistic girls that just realize you could be
00:29:03
horny yep that's everywhere Spectrum it's big oh really yeah the trans girls a lot of trans people we're like can we get you on Love on the Spectrum would you do that show do you think I have it
00:29:14
no you got something but I don't know what do you think I have Down syndrome Down syndrome I'm not racist
00:29:22
I know you don't have Down syndrome I don't know dude yeah you I watched that show none of them yeah deal for me yeah are you into trans girls at all a lot of
00:29:32
like there's a lot of sci-fi trans girls on the internet I'm serious would it be
00:29:38
describe well you guys started it it was an Asian thing what trans or sci-fi no sci-fi combination honestly both
00:29:47
the combination is your style of Asian but yeah yeah you guys started it that's on you guys uh yeah like a like a chick
00:29:54
who's a horse with a dick and like five heads that's you guys dude oh wait we did it in animation style though but but
00:29:59
you wanted it to be real you think so yeah that's why you animate stuff you wish that was real argue that is there
00:30:06
is there a is there a like a Korean hentai culture too but it's not that far away so you know I mean Japan so it's pretty close yeah but those guys Japan [ __ ] your asses you guys don't like
00:30:16
them right like I saw I saw an anime where the an octopus was [ __ ] you know I mean six Japanese girls with each
00:30:23
you know what I mean yeah right that's a classic and if I saw that in real life I would just be like cold anymore
00:30:32
[Applause] right I don't know you don't know until you're in that situation yeah all right right once you've called the Coast Guard then you're like all right they're on their way all right
00:30:44
I've already I've done my due diligence they come at the same time whether I bust or not right who am I hurting
00:30:51
sometimes you just want to see it in anime I get it yeah yeah all right so how about this let's get back to square one okay well let's get an off course
00:30:57
enough information yeah what do you think is the the key nugget for why he pulls and what do you think is a key
00:31:03
nugget for why he pulls I got it for sure all right stop give it to him do you want to go first go ahead okay thank
00:31:10
you I think by just being a cute little guy cute little guy a little statue no no I just mean uh spiritually he could
00:31:17
be six eight he'd be a cute little guy right you know what I mean he's got like a especially the relationship thing now
00:31:23
is it maybe a bit of a crutch because I was that guy when I couldn't when I was I didn't believe my I didn't want to put
00:31:28
myself out there I'm telling you I listen uh could I just say something right now dude yeah stop right there
00:31:34
dude okay you're beginning to piss me off because of my accuracy [Laughter] we're the same guy I'm trying to tell you you're acting as if you're above me I a little in terms of getting your dick
00:31:48
sucked I know but this is my [ __ ] house I'm gonna allow it but you're saying there's feelings being aroused okay all right so go ahead okay what I'm telling
00:32:03
you is I when I college girlfriend why did I only [ __ ] one girl in college could I [ __ ] more yes I didn't want to
00:32:10
put myself out there I didn't want to get rejected so I slowly built up this this relationship and yeah was it
00:32:16
meaningful because I you know I fell in love all this stuff yes but also it was safer my feelings didn't get hurt I
00:32:23
didn't make a move until I was like a thousand percent sure this girl like that right and there is a little bit of
00:32:29
that to being like now some people are just serial monogamous right is that what you really are or do you just not
00:32:36
want to because rejection does hurt bro I was at The Comedy Store a month ago he's asking there was a girl in the
00:32:42
audience right she was super hot right I wrote a letter a letter you took out a pen yeah I went to no I
00:32:50
went to the office and I wrote the letter you typed it no I just wrote it down Bobby what you don't write yes but
00:32:57
I swear I gotta you you can you you can one of these guys Carlos Carlos wrote it for you no no no no no Carlos you penned
00:33:02
it [ __ ] oh you can call Ari Madness right now and ask him about the letter a handwritten note I'm gonna say a letter
00:33:08
I put boxes okay oh that's cute do you like me yes or no whatever you know what did it say it
00:33:15
says Hi I think you're cute do you like me yes or no who is this to the girl from the audience all right so go on and
00:33:20
I go here's my phone number you know I don't normally do this and ask Ari I gave it to her she went
00:33:28
she gave me a face like yeah and I see her reading an audience she folded back up and I'm sitting in the bath back
00:33:33
booth and I saw her drop it on the floor brutal did that hurt yeah no yeah you're
00:33:40
lying yeah but you know what I still gave it a shot yeah you have to okay so I do do it that's step one though oh there's more steps yeah look her in the eyes when you
00:33:52
ask that's right oh so I thought the letter was bad letter was bad but because you know what I would have to wait to the end of the show you know you
00:33:58
don't want any weight no sure or you have to sit by the women's bathroom you tried to get her to you tried to get her
00:34:04
in the middle of the show she paid money for you were like hey do you want to get at it I was first
00:34:10
you watched 12 minutes of Comedy no that's why I give her my number that's why I just gave her my number I go like
00:34:16
later yeah right I mean and I go and so she never called and she dropped the thing well I would say a lot of in it's
00:34:23
okay if you're not a conventionally attractive man a conventionally handsome man but you are some women think I I
00:34:29
think I'm very handsome okay my friend Holly is here she thinks Holly do you think I'm handsome
00:34:37
thank you do you employ her by any chance no no no no she's she but she is blind no
00:34:44
Holly thank you no she thinks you're handsome he or attractive he wasn't saying that he's saying conventionally
00:34:50
which means a vast majority of the public would agree that means like like Brad Pitt is conventionally hot we just
00:34:57
all know no matter who you are no matter how straight you are you'd go that guy's hot it just doesn't matter what I'm
00:35:03
saying is you are your cute guy but also what's going to put you over the top is your Vibes yep okay you have you have uh
00:35:11
uh isolated you've basically taken away your biggest Advantage with that letter because the [ __ ] the person to person
00:35:17
contact is what you have going for you listen up dude that's true [ __ ] you okay
00:35:23
he's right he might be yeah [ __ ] you because you're a magnetic person can I make an argument though please sure all right I had already crushed she got the vibe no no no but that wasn't for her
00:35:35
that was for everybody he's saying you got attention on her and you're right though you you need to convert that
00:35:40
you're exactly you've done the hard part you've made the the nice first impression you just going with any kind
00:35:45
of [ __ ] conversation you'll know if she wants to [ __ ] you or not yeah have a have a [ __ ] hey what's up how's your
00:35:51
day anything I don't want to [ __ ] first night she may not want to either but maybe it's just putting out the five
00:35:56
it's weird okay that's fine that's fair fine yeah I don't know I don't know we have a philosophical difference here also some women are crazy you don't know on the surface you're like oh this is a
00:36:10
Christian but like she's a crazy person and behind the closed doors you know what I mean yes they'll spit in your
00:36:17
face and like you know what I mean choke me and like every every girl I find like wanted to be choked in the last in the
00:36:22
last year that choking is a that's a cultural standard it's an American culture it is yeah is would that still
00:36:28
be considered Christian now right oh yeah all right joking are you a big Christian huge Christian no but I love I
00:36:35
love missionary that's my favorite position sure is choking in the Bible ask if choking's in the Bible I bet how
00:36:40
many choking how many girls are into it 80 of women want your hand around their neck at some point are you being real
00:36:46
that's what the internet says and that's never wrong I know but here's my thing it's like let
00:36:52
me okay I'm okay through it right okay I'm doing my favorite position missionary oh yeah right and I'm looking at her not her favorite but go ahead yeah yeah it doesn't matter no I know it's what you
00:37:03
want yeah I get it in you know how you do yeah no you do it not me two different guys
00:37:09
you don't stick it in well you've got to be so close to get it all the way down there you're in do it again sorry go
00:37:15
ahead sorry you're [ __ ] right so I'm [ __ ] right all right right do you have a secret moving missionary do you do anything special I do this move
00:37:22
yeah is that what they call it yeah so then I'll do that move right and then I'll go and then so my mind I'm like okay I'm gonna do the token 80 I mean
00:37:36
what could go wrong let me ask you my question do you go right in yeah or do you like kind of
00:37:42
move your hand up on the shoulder you do a shoulder and then you just okay they got I got her on the neck and how hard do you squeeze pretty hard as hard as you can yeah
00:37:53
wait you squeeze as hard as you can wow my father was a carpenter his father was a construction worker my dad was Blue Collar as well what did he do he hit you
00:38:26
yeah he worked on him and his mom all day long yeah yeah yeah no but he what he's saying to
00:38:37
you is go crazy go crazy have fun first night missionary choke Bobby you deserve
00:38:43
it I'll go to prison no jury on Earth is convicting that little face you give him those puppy dog eyes ready say what I'm the judge I'm the
00:38:56
judge yeah yeah and you're defending yourself right okay Mr Lee we saw that you choked out a woman nearly to death
00:39:02
how do you how do you please not guilty look at these hands do with an accent how do you played oh I have
00:39:08
access how do you plead Bobby Lee I'm not guilty oh get him out of here he's good why am I hyping he's good to
00:39:15
go no cause you I you all got to go high pitch that makes you sweet and innocent right because there's at several different Asian accents let me try to
00:39:21
blow pitch see how that works all right Mr Lee you choked a girl almost to death how do you plead look at these hands
00:39:34
more like [Music] I know something's off there I want you to I want you to try a stove
00:39:47
method in fact I've said this to you before we've had this conversation I wish stav wrote a book on the stove method of how to do all this [ __ ]
00:39:54
sexually and I want people to try you know you know the game thinking about it the hard dick Warriors way
00:39:59
I'd read it I'd be the first guy remember that the game Neil Strauss yeah we talked about this yes I was like why would hasn't someone done that that was 20. I met that guy right Neil Strauss I
00:40:12
met him but that was 20 years ago how come no one's done a book like that since mine is not uh the the it's not like
00:40:19
focused around tricking women right that's psychological yours is just here's a here's a way to do this and to
00:40:25
do it cool without being annoying yeah yeah absolutely like in this in that book right that stuff that's Frost book
00:40:31
yeah my roommate my first roommate in L.A read the film there's a thing where it's like if you're at a bar right and
00:40:36
you see four girls you look at the one that's hot but then you make you but then you make fun of the one that's hot
00:40:42
to the to the right and then you hit on the other ones right is that one of the moves yeah no that never works fine listen listen that's not in the hard
00:40:49
dick tell them what the hard dick Warriors was just go up there you start having a good time with the whole crew
00:40:54
whoever gives you the vibe you [ __ ] her yeah that's it you let them decide for
00:40:59
you right I was in Seattle and I hung out with this group of friends I couldn't I think I could have [ __ ]
00:41:05
like three of them and then we just stayed out all night and I was like God it's like [ __ ] it's 3am we're just
00:41:12
drinking in a public park you know it was fun it was a good time and then I just couldn't really I couldn't really
00:41:18
make a move we were all having a good time and then we just were walking away and just the one closest to me I was like
00:41:24
when I come back to my hotel room and she was like yeah and that was it that's so good I
00:41:30
had a nice night with all of us as a master that's the hard dick Warriors you're right you know what you're just convinced me I love this we're gonna get
00:41:37
you so much can I say this yeah you're the master okay and it can I be your number one student absolutely so
00:41:43
basically when you have a class and you people walk in the dojo I'm like next to you yeah
00:41:48
also I want to like okay here's the foundation is not it's gonna get in the way you're getting [ __ ] what your need
00:41:55
for validation is going to get in the way you're getting [ __ ] but just for this one thing no can't do it yeah give me a different belt too no you don't get
00:42:01
a different Bell I see why you don't [ __ ] now I can see it right now I'm not asking for Blackness
00:42:06
with a stripe if I was a woman here's what had just happened I was a woman that was about to [ __ ] you yeah
00:42:12
and now I'm I'm out you know oh yeah okay let me get that I'll just attend your class I don't care what position
00:42:18
I'm in look at that also can I tell the other guys I know him no Bobby what you can't wait listen it's a risk if it gets back to me you're [ __ ] all right
00:42:29
yeah don't tell them don't ever tell them don't [ __ ] me a hard dick Warrior yeah yeah you know this guy oh yeah okay hold on excuse me
00:42:41
Mr Stavros this guy says he knows you Bobby OH ZIP and now you gotta do something for me oh no
00:42:53
you got it [Laughter] you're just a man maybe I'm 18. okay yeah all right hey Master hey clip my name's clip you're handsome I know
00:43:27
you've been in my class for months now I love it thank you so much thanks for sending me book anyway um yeah you know
00:43:33
um women you know I've used I've applied your rules to women situations you know and um it doesn't take you know they
00:43:41
just they don't like me and I just wanna I just want to bash them over there no no come on too much clippy yeah yeah but
00:43:49
you but what I'm saying is some of these in cells right you will have them in your class sure right and the resort to violence what do you say well we kick
00:43:56
them out hopefully we don't get they don't get the violence right right here's the thing about the hard dick Warriors Way getting [ __ ] is a small
00:44:01
amount of it oh it really is you're blowing my mind it really is is there money you couldn't you learn you can
00:44:07
teach us how to make money with three easy payments of 49.99 I can tell you the rest wow
00:44:13
DraftKings hey the NFL playoff picture is locked and my go-to place for Wild Card round action is DraftKings sports book and official sports betting partner of the NFL to kick off the road to the
00:44:26
Super Bowl 57 baby new customers can bet just five dollars five five dollars and
00:44:32
get 200 in free bets in instantly plus all new and existing customers can get a no sweat bet each day of the Wild Card round this weekend just place any NFL bet your choice and if it loses you'll
00:44:44
get a free BET back up to ten dollars that's huge action's so good why bet NFL playoffs anywhere else I don't know why
00:44:51
you would this is the only one that I've been using for a long time trafficking Sportsbook it's incredible it's simple it's easy uh and if you're into
00:44:57
Sportsbook betting hey this is the one to use have I won some money you better believe it you better believe it okay a couple weeks ago I won a couple hundred dollars uh did I give it back maybe none
00:45:08
of your business you got to try it out for yourself download the DraftKings sports book app and use the code bad friends that's right bad Friends new
00:45:15
customers can bet five dollars on the NFL and get 200 in free bets instantly only a DraftKings sports book with the
00:45:20
code bad friends minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply see show notes for Tails butcher box I have a
00:45:26
freezer downstairs specifically only for butcher box yeah it's butcher box freezer exactly if they have the best
00:45:32
Meats in the business oh yeah I'm a meat man you are a meat man I'm a meat boy butcherbox takes the guesswork out of
00:45:38
finding high quality Meat and seafood you can trust 100 grass-fed beef free range organic chicken pork raised crate free and wild cut Seafood it's humanely
00:45:50
raised no antibiotics or added hormones I gotta tell you something if you have never tried this it's incredible because
00:45:55
most of the time you think of meat that's shipped to your house is not going to be fresh and delicious this is high-end high quality fresh delicious
00:46:02
hormone free no antibiotics you mainly raised meat that tastes as good as it sounds it's incredible I've been getting it for a long time now and thank you to butcher bucks for stocking up my freezer
00:46:12
free shipping for the continental U.S and no surprise fees choose from a variety of box plan options from curated to customize and change your plan whenever you want baby if you're someone
00:46:24
who wants high quality high-end delicious Meat and seafood sent to your door you got to try it out get the New
00:46:29
Year bundle for free plus ten dollars off when you sign up today that's a 14 ounce Port tenderloin two pounds of ground turkey and four top sirloin
00:46:36
steaks free in your first box sign up at butcherbox.com plus bad friends that's butcherbox.com bad friends use the code
00:46:42
bad friends to claim this offer but truly it's like if you feel depressed and you feel like a [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] you're not gonna you're not you're putting out bad vibes it's all a Vibes
00:46:53
based philosophy right so you got to take care of your own [ __ ] yeah man and once you start progressing on anything
00:46:58
clippy right whatever clippy's up to what's up man okay what are you trying to work on clippy hey man I'm just you
00:47:05
know what master I try to improve my vibe okay and that's why I'm doing this right here
00:47:13
you don't need hands up yeah yeah I love rock we all do it that's the KKK oh oh [ __ ] my bad yeah so I'm just trying to work on my vibes your vibes okay but do you have um
00:47:27
I don't know what do you read a book okay here I read your book from my audiobook oh I don't actually read it no
00:47:33
oh okay but I love your voice that's why good job on narrating thank you clippy are you trying to [ __ ] the hard dick
00:47:40
I'm not gay man no no it's cool it's all right if you are yeah it's way EAS if you are that would help us out it's getting [ __ ] is so much easier you know what on a dessert an island I
00:47:52
would [ __ ] you can you imagine a book A book about getting [ __ ] in the first page you just said go out that's it yeah
00:47:59
yeah leave the house but like how do I improve my vibe uh Master well well clippy and this is uh it's very psychological healthy that you have to keep doing characters to ask me
00:48:11
questions clearly you're just wondering is there something you want to work on do you want to go to the gym do you want to read a book do you want to become a cinephile you know what I mean are there
00:48:24
other movies you want to check out the more you start feeling like you're improving in your life the more confidence that'll give you and that
00:48:30
will improve your Vibe and sometimes give you something to talk about clip you got some good stuff there thank you
00:48:37
so much no problem 49.99 that's interesting that's how that's how those that's how those big church people work though it's brilliant like that guy did you see this clip that went around
00:48:49
the internet about it one of the Evangelical guys that he was talking about how expensive his watch was he was
00:48:54
like dude it's so funny to their face he's like this watch this watch is more than my first house and they're cheering
00:49:01
they're like the Prosperity Gospel he goes this is this is 89. these guys drive me a thousand dollars I know it is
00:49:08
it's insane I mean I respect it it's such an incredible racket by the way they bought into it I think it's that guy Kenneth Copeland maybe that's the guy but it's like I don't feel bad for
00:49:18
those [ __ ] people they bought into the system yeah they're paying to be there he's being blatant about it he's just like listen I'm stealing money from
00:49:26
you and they're like yeah [ __ ] Jesus Christ This Could Be You Someday but you know what I do want to do with you though while they're Googling this yeah is that guy that you know the guy that um takes he's like an exorcist so he
00:49:37
goes to like you know you see that he goes to the Midwest it's on YouTube and they [ __ ] oh here it is look at this [ __ ] demonic voice okay watch this
00:49:44
yeah I'm hesitant to say I don't want to say God I'm gonna get all kind of crazy I'll let people fight me you'll have jewelry cost more in your house
00:49:52
I got them to their [ __ ] they're clapping I'm telling you listen to me I'm I'm telling you my first house costs
00:50:00
14 700 I'm giving you a chance to write your checkout fourteen Thousand Seven my
00:50:05
second house called 81 900 and this watch costs more than that God he's awesome [Music] no no
00:50:21
to laugh at it to be like this is more than all of you making six years and the laugh and then the congregation's like it's the best that's the CR that that to
00:50:32
me I don't blame them at all I don't blame him at all if you're buying into that you're a [ __ ] fool I mean that's
00:50:38
America [ __ ] dude I don't mean to get all [ __ ] give it to me college give it to me give it to me but that is the
00:50:44
thing it's like you know everyone every poor [ __ ] thinks they're gonna be a billionaire right so you never you
00:50:50
never want to hold them accountable because you're like well when I'm ultra Rich I'll do that I want to do that well
00:50:56
that's like that uh what's the guys garyvee it's like there's there's a what's the other guy's name that does
00:51:02
that a lot uh Grant Cardone there's like a group of guys online that are like if you're not [ __ ] hustling if you're
00:51:07
not making [ __ ] six million a year you're a [ __ ] worthless piece of [ __ ] you're a [ __ ] fat loser [ __ ] [ __ ] and
00:51:15
your wife is ugly and your kids are [ __ ] dumb [ __ ] make six mil or kill yourself dog garyvee it was his dad's
00:51:22
liquor store that he like took over is that his thing yeah yeah well but this thing it's like he's like I was he tells
00:51:28
people I worked at a liquor store and it's like no you owned it you owned the liquor store like that that is the big
00:51:34
difference I can't not make fun of this guy because he's like no I mean here's steel it's like [ __ ] you gotta [ __ ] sell your shoes he was big on
00:51:40
nfts too which which turned out to be a real [ __ ] fart yeah yeah that's a real [ __ ] scam that dude that was
00:51:46
that I walked with a buddy of mine the other day I was taking a walk having coffee with a friend and he he stopped
00:51:51
me and he goes dude I ca I can't be happier than realizing how good it is to be behind the times when it comes to nfts because he was like he didn't buy any crypto nfts and he was like man am I
00:52:04
a dummy I'm behind the times he's like I've never been happier to be behind the times type of a guy who didn't get [ __ ] like people that bought like 50
00:52:10
Grand worth of uh board ape [ __ ] and now it's worth like six bucks that sucks and Justin Bieber and all
00:52:18
those guys are getting sued yeah you know this FDX because they they paid them right to to [ __ ] basically
00:52:24
promote it it's basically shorting a stock it's like inflating inflating inflating to be like [ __ ] you take all the money and then they leave Paris
00:52:30
Hilton says it's good yeah yeah I got it so I think it must be fun you remember that video of Jimmy Fallon and Paris
00:52:36
Hilton plugging their board Apes no on The Tonight Show yeah no I think yeah for real and it was the most awkward
00:52:42
they clearly didn't believe it right they did it on The Tonight Show it was [ __ ] crazy dude but yeah this I mean
00:52:49
it's it's all such [ __ ] dog [ __ ] and it's the only the only reason that happens is because of life in America is
00:52:54
such dog [ __ ] that you're like well maybe everybody wants to hit that everybody wants to hit the lotto because it's all or nothing here there's no good
00:53:00
quality of life anymore right no middle no middle class we gotta change the culture then guys I agree you know what
00:53:06
though right this capitalism cannot be the main oh shut the [ __ ] you're right you're right capitalism isn't the thing
00:53:13
it's the [ __ ] it's the fact that people are being sold so many lies that's the problem it is religion used
00:53:19
to be capitalism right it's the thing that controls the masses right dumb people stop it what I mean religion run
00:53:27
people religion okay right and now they use capitalism to do it and to enslave us all and we just got to figure out how
00:53:34
to just you know I agree with you Bob become free yeah how do you become free don't do the gadgets don't buy this
00:53:40
stuff you do all of it you're smart with the [ __ ] shoes today yeah you're smoking a vape with an iPhone
00:53:48
anymore you're not a slave yeah I am no you're not yeah because it's like there's somebody like you're free he's
00:53:54
in a nice cage and watching Deep Space Nine on Star Trek right the other day right so I was
00:54:00
doing something else I was listening to music online can you imagine how offensive it is to slaves to say that you're a slave while you Huff a vape and
00:54:06
play video games for nine hours a day I don't sleep till 4 P.M I want to wake up wake up yeah and I
00:54:13
want to be a zombie anymore I text you at 2 p.m wake up you're not in the Matrix I want to wake up though dude
00:54:18
lies I do okay you know what yeah then you talk that talk yeah talk that [ __ ] we're gonna go I like being slave
00:54:26
[Music] it's so ridiculous when you say stuff like that it's not I've been on the
00:54:40
Peloton so many times when how many this week how many days I can't sleep without it how many hours a day I do 45 minutes
00:54:46
what do you mean you can't sleep without it I need to exercise during the day or I don't feel tired
00:54:53
okay I took myself out yeah we're gonna go hiking this weekend I'd love to no no pleasure okay we want to go one Hill
00:55:00
we're doing the hard one me you and Marin are gonna go do the hard one I'm not doing the Maryland yes you are I'm not doing the America yes you are no no
00:55:06
no it's a white one huh there's an Asian one there's a Green Hill there's a green hill over here yeah over there yeah
00:55:13
Korean [ __ ] out there in Korea Town you can just go in Koreatown you can just go from like uh driving range to
00:55:19
driving range to Korean barbecue place no it's like Wilshire to you know Olympic to you know what I mean it's
00:55:25
like there's a street you were from chosen Gobi yeah yeah yeah you guys work for me too right this is not the way to go about it yeah yeah I'm
00:55:42
trying to fix it you know we're working together so don't even know you're like I'm your boss yeah you can't have thoughts but it has changed here we go he's a morning
00:55:55
person now what he's a morning person now oh wow I'm moaning person now that's what he said what time are you waking up I woke up today noon noon yeah no today I that isn't the
00:56:08
morning the morning's over by noon morning no I woke up at nine in the morning so what to piss no bathroom I
00:56:15
tried to lay back so I didn't sleep that's because your body woke you up to go hey we got we're supposed to get up
00:56:20
now that's exactly and you still were like no no no no no no yeah I tried I don't know but then he said yes yes you
00:56:26
know and I got up what's your schedule what's your schedule stop it's all over the place right now because I'm traveling so [ __ ] much but you're not
00:56:32
a guy who I feel like you're not like a you're not you're not like a oh I slept in till [ __ ] 2 p.m I can't anymore I mean I've been sober on this leg of the tour because the last one [ __ ] me up
00:56:44
so bad yeah so I try and get like today for example got up [ __ ] [ __ ] shredded my [ __ ] buys and tries worked out in the at the hotel gym
00:56:55
and then I got a little smoothie a little smoothie and then I've just been doing [ __ ] pods and [ __ ] all day
00:57:00
what's your okay what's your bad boy meal on the road that you know you're not supposed to have but you're but you do have it you're like I don't give a
00:57:06
[ __ ] I gotta have it it's my bad boy meal I'm a bad boy meal what's your little naughty boy I love I mean
00:57:12
honestly this this trip I have fallen off the wagon because the end is in sight like next week I had so much I launched this podcast I did Rogan last week I did [ __ ] I'm I'm here to do
00:57:26
like a bunch of other La shows and I go straight to Vermont to do six shows and then I have to do four [ __ ] episodes of my podcast and then I'm off for like four weeks yeah so it's like a busy
00:57:37
thing so I did Relapse I because I was just so overworked and last night I hit the the classic like just make a [ __ ] up dessert out of whatever's in the in the hotel mini like
00:57:50
front you know what I mean in the front Zone peanut eminent I did a little peanut M
00:57:55
M's Rice Krispie Treat like [ __ ] oh I would I would purse I personally created
00:58:00
double like Eminem and then I put a little ball of Rice Krispie around it how did they not sell that I was in there doing fat boy you know confectionary when you when you're
00:58:11
eating a fat boy confection after hitting uh I was walking around the neighborhood after hitting a Shake Shack
00:58:17
by the way good boy God bless you so I did have uh when you single though when you eat in bed like that you're in the
00:58:22
bed yes I was on the couch okay so you can I say this this honestly I think what what thwartz uh real bad boy fat
00:58:30
boy stuff is being out of the bed gotta be out of the bed if you can do it on the couch or in the chair in the
00:58:35
computer chair it does something yeah yeah yeah it changes how much more you're gonna eat oh because when I would be on the road at the beginning and I
00:58:41
gained like 12 pounds last what last year on the road it's because I would eat in bed yeah and in bed you're like
00:58:47
it's okay yeah it's okay yeah well it's just comfort zone well once you've crossed that Rubicon you're [ __ ]
00:58:52
you're [ __ ] you're [ __ ] and until this week I did have like I was actually pretty strict about my Road schedule
00:58:59
where I'd wake up early work out or go on a walk right I would actually prepare and then I would [ __ ] take a nap look
00:59:06
over my notes again and and do that but like the last last like couple weeks I'm so but you're the
00:59:12
end is near for you the end is it's fine you you paid your dues and then and then we're getting another [ __ ] big ass
00:59:18
tour fat Rascal tour folks go to the fat go go watch the fat Rascal we're in theaters baby we're selling tickets out
00:59:24
there we're going too the bad Friends tour is about to be announced we're inches away in fact we already have a couple of dates that
00:59:30
we're going to do we're doing Vancouver we're doing just for laughs in Vancouver are you coming March and April no he's not it's Carlos is coming who's our guy
00:59:37
Wilson Carlos okay can we say why you're not coming yeah we said it already we did right yeah small [ __ ] is about to
00:59:43
be a papa yeah congratulations I'd like to be a papa Mazel Tov well I'll come a couple days it's going to be legal it's Davos yes um what podcast did you do earlier today
00:59:54
I was actually on my uh friend Hassan's stream oh really yeah yeah who else this week what have you done
01:00:01
um my Brogan came out today I did um Joe Rogan yeah I did Fred Rogan oh yeah I love that guy yeah he's a he he's he's an eclairs podcast right so we talked my question is it clear is this your
01:00:15
favorite one so far I'm having a blast on this one yes no other you've not had fun as much fun as this one no this is
01:00:22
this is so much fun we come in here well because this we get you [ __ ] we figure out okay I learned so much he brings us
01:00:28
cookies yeah yeah I want honestly I want you to [ __ ] so like it so deep in my soul truly I really why did you roll your eyes I've done it so many times yeah I'm so good in there no here's the
01:00:41
thing I am dude it's so [ __ ] funny that you say that because every girl looks at me and goes that's surprisingly good I didn't say one word yeah like
01:00:51
like Carl Lewis level Carl Lewis the Sprinter yeah athleticism you know you could you could have said somebody from this from the last time
01:01:07
Michael Richards the swimmer Michael you do a Michael Richards bit right after you come
01:01:12
but anyway I'm very good no no but he uh I I'm sensing something what is it I don't know I don't like it but I'm right go ahead you know what you don't like is the how accurate how I could have been so far this whole time be honest I don't
01:01:26
even know you personally we just met this is the first time we let's for the viewers yeah and listeners the first
01:01:31
time we ever even talked yeah yeah yeah yeah and already we have this like we have a bond it's a bond but it's also a
01:01:36
clash it's not a clash listen once this is I this is I think this is how you are
01:01:42
right once you thrash around a little bit you'll realize how close we are yeah okay let me see let me figure that out
01:01:47
you know what he's doing you know what he's doing all right what's that you know when you know what they say when somebody's like um uh fallen off of a raft or something
01:01:53
and they and they they thrash in the water because but if they realize if they sit still they won't drown right
01:01:59
it's this that causes the drowning yeah or or the my feet can actually touch the ground
01:02:04
yours know no chance that's right yeah so I'm splashing around right oh I'm not drowning but listen just stop splashing all right relax now can I do the splashing first though go ahead go
01:02:16
ahead close your eyes close your eyes close your clothes that's racist close your eyes okay relax they're closed
01:02:34
that one yeah yeah now listen all right so listen you're the Lifeguard you're the
01:02:40
Lifeguard sure sure stop listen to the hard dick Warrior all I'm saying is Bob there is something in you right you're not dictating the
01:02:52
amount you want the [ __ ] now the amount you want to [ __ ] could be could be small you might not want to [ __ ] that much but
01:02:59
I don't think you're deciding I think you're a prisoner to some outside forces that I can't look at him wow you're back
01:03:08
stroking you thought you were dying now you're butterflying through the ocean yeah water in my mouth can you believe how good you're doing yeah you're doing so good you're doing so good all it took
01:03:19
was words of affirmation in my head that's great it's amazing you're right you know we do have a bond that will never be broken it will never be broken never ever ever again for the
01:03:29
rest of time I love it um no after this can I get your number yeah you can actually that's a real test
01:03:35
this is how it works you honestly can and will you pick up if he calls you I will I will yeah he's a law this dude's
01:03:42
a loyal [ __ ] yeah you know what dude let me say something bud please and this has only happened a couple
01:03:48
times in my life sure maybe 10 times but I met a lot of people instantly cheap [Laughter]
01:03:59
weird bragging only 10 times right well I went instantly instantly went you know what this guy is somebody I'm gonna know for the rest of my life that's what I like to hear yeah yeah we'll be there yeah
01:04:11
it's pretty good because he's got it like that I'll be your I'll be I'll be there dude I love Harry thumbs I don't
01:04:17
have very thumbs no but your body is like a hairy thumb like it's just like one thing you know
01:04:24
what I mean you know but with hair it's great he's just sexy you know like the thing like
01:04:29
that what's that the cousin cousin is cousin it you've shave them down a little bit cousin they yeah okay yeah
01:04:35
look can I show you I've always I've been in love with style for a long time and we've just gotten to know each other
01:04:41
in the recent years but I will say this when I saw this look up Stavros toothless
01:04:47
this is where I learned to fall in love with this guy I'm judge I'm dead serious we go images I saw him on the internet
01:04:54
post a clip like this oh yeah there it is bald with his tooth out yeah had no tooth for two years and I was like dude
01:05:00
I love that that's a good look dude that was a power tell them what happened I uh I had something called tooth resorption
01:05:07
and the final thing that took my tooth was I cracked it on the chicken wing pretty pretty like Wing or the bone
01:05:15
Winger Wing was it a Winger I believe it was flatty yeah I believe so because I ate the rest of it by peeling off the wing and like throwing it into the back of my mouth and gingerly chewing like I
01:05:27
was in excruciating pain but I was only like three wings out of a ten Wing order in so I finished them yeah
01:05:35
but when you lose a tooth like that do you do you get upset like oh my God I'm a comic I'm on TV I mean does that bump
01:05:41
you I don't know he put a bit up on TV that's what I get that's what I'm saying no I thought it was awesome I was I was
01:05:46
actually stoked to do it to have a bid on with no tooth I was actually pissed I was supposed to film my half hour in May
01:05:54
2020 and it was gonna I was gonna fix my tooth right after it and I was like that'll be awesome my half hour I'll be
01:06:00
yes and then the pandemic happened and then you guys [ __ ] it all up but otherwise it was good
01:06:18
[Laughter] do you remember the videos from like Wuhan like because they all followed directions in a year and they're having like music festivals and [ __ ] yeah we
01:06:30
were like what the [ __ ] it was like half the world was like dude all you got to do is chill for one
01:06:36
minute and then you'll be all good and we were like [ __ ] that [ __ ] yeah we prohibitioned that [ __ ] we kept it
01:06:41
moving [ __ ] it dude sneak it under the floorboards that's true this is when I this is when I was like oh man I knew
01:06:47
exactly who you were in terms of like how if there's something about Comics some comics and you embody this for real
01:06:54
you are an extremely funny stand-up comic I am kissing your ass thank you brother but also because uh
01:06:59
I think not taking yourself that serious is is important so if you can kind of [ __ ]
01:07:04
if you can get to a level where you let yourself kind of not give a [ __ ] like that yeah yeah and the great the great you're in the Free World the great uh the great the worst thing that will ever
01:07:16
happen to me is that I was never toothless with a bald ponytail that's that sucks that sucks that really sucks yeah I'm never gonna get toothless again I mean it was nice I had a nice run but
01:07:29
yeah one of my dad's buddies growing up he was balling a ponytail bald with a ponytail is clutch power it's an inch
01:07:35
it's a kind of guy power move it's a power move but by the way you do have to then everything else your clothing the
01:07:41
car you drive you have to be that guy you kind of have to be look at that guy fart no no far should I do that dude I
01:07:46
would [ __ ] love it if you did that I've always want to do that go down one and over the left too uh up up that left
01:07:52
left that guy in the business suit this guy business so awesome big dick [Laughter]
01:08:06
it's almost like rude yeah yeah yeah where women are like come on Michael yeah I gotta stretch before we [ __ ]
01:08:13
every time yeah we can't just have a casual [ __ ] this guy's like no way pubic hair probably has beads and stuff you know like and stuff like he doesn't give a [ __ ]
01:08:25
this guy like that okay okay go straight down the white shirt do you see the guy down down one over the right three yeah
01:08:30
okay so this guy I've been behind this guy at a concert yeah and I swear to God and everybody at home knows he he is
01:08:36
with the hottest non-white chick age appropriate yes yes the hottest woman his age like a Nigerian woman this
01:08:48
guy this guy is 64. she's 50 and [ __ ] a smoker she's thin big tits she's wearing heels on the grass she's sick I can't even say she's a little older than by bear she's like 58 right right right
01:09:01
is it because he has money or is it because dude Vibes we told oh yeah we listen to the warrior listen to the [ __ ] Warrior
01:09:12
can I say something I'll be real for the first for the first time for the first time I was born with vibes
01:09:19
exactly why are you blocking your own time you're standing in the way of your own Vibe that's right I walked around
01:09:26
places just wandering around you know I like to wander yeah yeah yeah but you know what I mean but
01:09:34
you know I don't like exercising that much so more wandering okay but I've been in like malls and people walk up to
01:09:39
me and goes hey you want to be in my movie stuff like that you have that I have that ability yeah yeah it is sleep
01:09:45
in my eye you know I mean I'm doing a little you know I mean a little you know little jig exactly yeah yeah Uncorked
01:09:50
you're battling it up oh I am you are I see with these little [ __ ] notes can I tell you something what he just said if you put out an album or a special in the next couple years it's got to be called uncorked
01:10:15
let's do it again love it it's one sound one sound of the best [ __ ] right yeah yeah I told you this oh I told you this off I
01:10:28
told Affair he wasn't here for this but I have a I had a friend who told me uh that they were offered uh a bunch of money a ton of money to let a guy [ __ ]
01:10:41
him uh I'm sorry to [ __ ] a guy to Peg a guy in the ass for a clip load of money and she's contemplating whether or not
01:10:48
she should do it no physical touch no nothing like that if your girlfriend or wife yeah said hey this guy is gonna pay
01:10:55
me me it's me hey you what's your girlfriend your girlfriend he's single right now yeah let's just
01:11:02
say you have a girlfriend Cynthia right that's a beautiful name oh we love her about it yeah I love Cynthia it loves
01:11:08
Cynthia you know I mean um can your girlfriend put on a strap-on right see she can be fully clothed right okay and
01:11:15
she can no touching no kissing she doesn't have to cut touch no hello right don't even acknowledge my presence right
01:11:20
come in and she'll walk into the room I'll be bent over you're on all four 25 Grand cash oh wow um this is your girlfriend personally
01:11:49
absolutely I don't give you you would say you should go you'd go babe is that chill if I do that it's for 25k
01:11:55
[Music] the fact that you actually makes it weird because if you come up to me you're like hey I cannot stop thinking about your wife [ __ ] me in the ass right now if we're strangers without
01:12:08
question I don't give a [ __ ] but if like my friend is like who she's my wife that's a little but let's say my wife is
01:12:15
just like she has gotten this email from someone like they offer uh [ __ ] my ass
01:12:21
you can wear full you can wear beekeepers outfit bring bees what about what about this she's [ __ ] me right yeah I'm staring at your head shot
01:12:35
this guy's headshot is amazing yes one this guy's headshot is so good though it's a little would that be weird for
01:12:40
you or no no listen twice well again do we know each other personally yeah I'm Bobby Lee yeah yeah I don't like that
01:12:47
okay okay but if just some guy wants to look at a picture of me like the first one the very first one that one for sure
01:12:53
that's a good one I have that and your wife is okay I get it but not you because I don't want that would you know
01:12:59
the bond we've forged over this [ __ ] my Sensei you're right you you know what I mean that's just disrespectful all
01:13:05
right stop let me is that a stranger and there's no kissing no nothing absolutely yeah that's what I'm saying okay let me
01:13:11
say this stop I need to take you get your take on this as a single man yeah I know on the road you've been offered
01:13:16
threesomes I know it I know combos have been like oh not couples you know what I mean I mean like uh friends have been
01:13:21
like how do you what's your line of with kakary if a guy says listen bro I need you to pump my wife right please come back I'm not going to touch I'm not gonna do anything but I'm in the room I
01:13:33
don't need him and I can't but he but he goes I have to be in the room closest I'll come to his other room closed
01:13:39
circuit television but eyes wide Chuck masks I can't do what about Max I'm like a Phantom of the Opera Opera how they do it I don't want another Christine I don't want to happen in the
01:13:51
moment the moment you come he goes that makes it in the corner so you're on the road and it's cut but so no cuckery for you I just I'll [ __ ]
01:14:03
another guy's wife yeah but he can't be there I don't want him there but but what is it though I don't need another
01:14:09
masculine presence no no he's not he's beta beta beta baby they're still it's still another guy okay
01:14:16
is it two lesbians her Butch wife can stay if she's like even if she's we're talking chewing stuff right yeah yeah yeah we're talking off
01:14:27
the sitcom that's just right Drew a shirt thick glasses she could be that type of that's I think I could handle it you'll be down but I just can't have another guy in there for that could you
01:14:41
not do that how about this no no could you do kakary if you're on if we're on the road in the bathroom you and I we're
01:14:46
on the road you okay not me I can't who are you I'm taken what's your name Andrew Santee I know but in the scenario we are on the road it's Andrew Santino okay we're on the road here Bobby Lee
01:15:01
[ __ ] she you see what I got on the road Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee and a couple comes up to us okay we love you guys he's so fun yeah yeah you want to go for you like a drink or a meal with
01:15:14
us and we say you know we're not drinking but maybe we'll go get dinner we go get dinner with this couple yeah because they're both very I already know the answer they're very good looking I
01:15:20
already know the answer and the guy says Santino no disrespect I can't you know you're taking anyone Bobby I want you to
01:15:27
[ __ ] my wife and I want to watch okay what do you say I say this if you laugh funny
01:15:42
[Laughter] it's not that you're it doesn't matter what it's not that you would say something funny
01:15:54
bro be fair but be fair check this out you take your clothes off he's immediately gonna go
01:16:00
that's how I'm doing that so that's really disrespectful I'm doing a seriously you're getting cucked by
01:16:06
cooking he's cooking you why but he's laughing he's like this guy if I turn around in any movie like like damn dude holy [ __ ] even when I'm real
01:16:20
let's see yes I don't know man right that's who's gonna get a laugh a little bit how about
01:16:27
this though this is supreme cucking yeah if the guy has him in the room and every move he does he's like boom yeah yeah
01:16:33
that is a huge power move so you've got your [ __ ] in a guy's wife and he's laughing at you there's no lower low no
01:16:41
so you're not gonna cuck on the tour you call that a stroke pal [Laughter] use your hips dude
01:16:50
he's got a foam roller he's he's loosening up your quads I was in the belly room and you know one of the guys
01:16:57
that works at the comedy store was with the older porn star hot nice yeah and he kept going she wants to blame man there
01:17:04
you go that I could probably do I gotta get my dick sucked yeah yeah so I just was in the belly room green right now
01:17:09
they came up there I was there talking to another comic yeah and then this comic laughed and I was alone with the
01:17:15
the man this guy that works there yeah and this girl and then she gets on her hands and knees and she gets on her
01:17:20
knees like this okay right that's her knees right like oh yeah knees like just knees like you said it before what do you mean well you said she got on her knees then you did it it is
01:17:30
barely changed my point is all right you haven't been sitting on your knees this whole time he went on his knees somehow he's like
01:17:44
she's on her so she's underneath all right go ahead she had her knees like this and then she went she opened her mouth right like
01:17:56
this I walked out of the room no yeah because I didn't want him to watch I okay right that's you don't want that I don't want him to watch I told you I'm not gonna do it anyway although is that her
01:18:07
I mean yeah I don't want a guy there but I might in that situation I might just pop my soft dick and just just to say I
01:18:12
did because I know never in my life go in the oven I don't grow up but put the dough in the oven yeah yeah that would be really funny to just that's another Alpha so beta it's an alpha move soft
01:18:25
dick [ __ ] put your soft dick in a woman's mouth and be like nah and then leave
01:18:31
I got a [ __ ] suit how long is this but let me say that I got a bunch of stuff you're invited anytime anytime let me
01:18:38
say this yeah please stavy's got a new podcast out yes please go watch it yeah please do it's
01:18:44
funny as [ __ ] he is funny as [ __ ] plug it stavy's World YouTube world's on YouTube puts on everywhere you get podcasts look at that camera go thank you for being a bad friend thank you for
01:18:55
being a bad friend phenomenal oh thank you hey get this guy Akita [Music] oh foreign