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hey guess what man what's up man i'm so excited why oh we got the new merch
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click the thing look below in the merch bar or or go to badfriendsmerch.com or click
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the thing below or click the thing below do it you two are bad friends who are
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these two idiots why dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting well you two
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or something we're bad friends is your mood my mood is good why were you late i
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wasn't late i had to finish something and i was like i'll never make it off no i wasn't golfing today what was it it's sunday so what were you doing
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you really want to know yeah i was going to get my father something it's his birthday
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you couldn't have done that previously i mean don't talk to me about about management
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don't don't you dare talk to me about management i'm not even doing that i'm asking you i want i want you to get something custom
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made for my dad and it was and it was a belt buckle it was on the west side belt buckles socks custom dad's socks
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i went to get my dad a gift what is it i'm not gonna i'm not gonna say it okay he watches the show
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congratulations happy birthday mr santano listen i'm disrespectful oh [ __ ]
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congratulations mr santano so that's why you're late
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you're on the west side getting a socks made or whatever i was in santa monica that's a far away away from here okay
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okay people everybody knows we shoot the show in santa clarita it's far yeah no we do we should you
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know we shoot this we shoot this in valencia we are coming to you live from the inside of the six flags rudy jules is here in a really bad mood
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i texted her i said can we push a little bit today she wouldn't respond she didn't respond no and then she did that she gave me the middle finger emoji yeah
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it's funny she says she said to me no she didn't all right sweater you know what she said what it i
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almost i almost crashed the car when she said i was like what and i we almost died what'd she say she goes
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um she calls me to bobby i don't know if you know that she calls me tito andrew yeah yeah so she goes
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yeah she's out of nowhere she goes i think you're bisexual really and i go really
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yeah yeah and i'll go why i just think you do i think she's right you think that i'm bisexual i think so
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why because you've had experiences with men that doesn't make one bisexual to have experience you think i
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liked it yeah do you think guys that go to prison and they have they get raped or have prison sex they like it no i think some of them i think
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what if what if you open up a can a few people might be like yuck if you guys might go hey this is pretty good i had something
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going on i don't think i am but why do you think so jules we were talking something before that
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about us about we can't talk about which we can't talk about yeah so go ahead and then i i don't know because like
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titan just said class experience yeah and then when we were driving
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yeah oh yeah oh no go tell them you saw a good looking guy tell him what
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happened who do you see we saw a very hot guy yeah and then i
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was just silent and then tituba was like he screamed i what he screamed i didn't
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scream you did scream yeah yeah
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who was the guy was he a famous guy no so we're driving down you know the hill yeah right yeah and um
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this guy was jogging up up yeah me so i'm passing him i see him right now in my head shirt off sure enough i know i love this guy chris
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hemsworth i know the guy right olive skin long hair long hair flowing in the wind blowing in
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the wind very handsome did you see his pacage can you see his did you see his acorn or what i didn't see his face
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[Laughter] so he's jogging up and i kind of went
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whoa whoa yeah i mean how short are the shorts it's black black shorts pretty short
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nice ties [Laughter] oh [ __ ] so you know i go whoa and then
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i look at um juliana and then we just both both laugh we started laughing a couple giggly girls yeah and yeah i go
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did you see that guy he said yeah i did but you saw him too and i go yeah i was just going whoa
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no because it's when you see you know i completely identify with this thank you so when you see a guy like
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because i i obviously i have eyes yeah and i have a mirror small ones but they're there rude
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but touche um so i and i look in the mirror and i i what i've been doing lately is really
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cause you you when you see yourself in the mirror yeah you don't go oh that's me you just kind of it's just like a something
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that's a reality and something that you see i hate looking in the mirror yeah but what i've been doing lately
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is analyzing myself you're like your body yeah i just kind of look to see what i
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did to it and what what was given to me i caught a glimpse of myself in my side mirror on the way out of the bathroom and i said
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look at that [ __ ] creamsicle i looked it up i look like a big fat creamsicle right now yeah so when you know when you look
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at some you i'm i'm like kind of like going oh that's the reality of my situation
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right right it's just like and don't you feel blessed yellow like a yellow dumpling like a a
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beautiful little dumpling yeah yeah yeah and then and then you kind of look you go you know what but what can i do there's nothing i can do who cares somebody
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when you see somebody you know i mean that's the exact opposite yeah who's hot a hot sorry you're not
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hot hey i mean you're not hot
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dude [ __ ] i didn't say i'm hot no but you're definitely not hot i know but you're sexy maybe but you're not hot
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i'm because i'm gonna you're so far away from hot okay but do you know that like on the scale of hot yeah you're not even close
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i know because in a lineup in a room full of criminals
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of hot criminals you're not even you're listen you're the first one you know they go on a scale they go height by
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height you know you go to a museum yeah you're so unbelievably nice when i go to a museum yeah when i was a kid
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right and i was i moved out of my parents house and i would go to the in san diego the balboa museum arts or
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whatever and i used to save up money because yeah i didn't have money back then but i would go once a week
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why would you go every week because i really didn't have any friends and i just i was like one of those guys that played chess until three it was gross
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i would play chess until three in the morning at a coffee shop and like i started reading like you know
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kierkegaard you know i mean in like philosophical books right you were you this is like a
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foreign asian guy you're from america this sounds like you're an immigrant yeah anyway i would go there and i would sit and i would look at the paintings
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right and renaissance paintings and you would see like how they used to
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draw women back then thick yeah thick and like with the holes right not the vagina but like like
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cellulite almost sometimes and the rolls and whatnot and that's what they viewed as beautiful so yeah in our modern current climate i am
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not hot but back then i could have you would have been a hot woman you would have been a hot round woman or a man
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not a man no because men had muscle and everything back kind of stuff really yeah back then men were still in good shape because i i was
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going to make defending myself i've seen statues yeah you've seen the stat you go to a fountain yeah a white people's fountain david
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david's yeah and you see you don't mean a white man right right you're right he he has either grapes
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right or and he's doing this yeah he's thinking and he's also doing this hip you mean thing like this and he's
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just like pondering things yeah he's thinking a lot right and then you look at the dick and it's like i kill it
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it's a small dick yeah it's a real small dick well we didn't start to get big dicks until the late 1800s
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hormones milk and all that stuff really yeah interesting everybody had small dicks is that so i'm
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serious historically most people had small do you make this up no this is a fact all right well and then they're learning something new but think about it like
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this if you think mike if you think david's michelangelo's dave you think david had a small dick in comparison to his body yeah and the
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running joke about asians having small imagine how small asian's penis were if that was regular for a white guy what was regular for you
00:08:20
well they would save a lot of [ __ ] cement or whatever they would like like we have like some
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dust left over there's this penis or the oral gum they took gum
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and just stuck it on there yeah you're right though you you would have been back in but the reason that people women were beautiful
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because they were thick was because people could eat eat meant you had money but this is an interesting thing to say meant you're poor because it's like
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socially right and our culturally yeah right we deem certain things attractive
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and certainly and do you don't you think it's just a consensus that we're programmed to think yeah that
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someone would like a brad pitt that oh my god he is hot he's you you've stumbled a jewel when you talk i got scared i get
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scared sometimes but yeah when you look at like somebody that you think that you know we're conditioned yeah you know no but he's no
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no something attractiveness yeah and on that level yeah
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is not subjective it's objective symmetry is attractive to us right yeah so symmetrical faces clean
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like smooth skin no matter what the race is if you right are you getting horny right now no i'm not what because i've been
00:09:27
thinking about this one incident when i was um so before i used to have this girlfriend christine portea but before christine
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right there was this one girl and she was like from the midwest i forgot her name okay but i remember i hung out with her
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like for six months and we connected on a level that was pretty cool you know
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i mean we like the same films and music we'd hang out all day and then one night i go that was a comic
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this is right after my tv so it was like you know it was something i was a poor
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comic you're doing fine i was doing fine and um one night i went in
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for a kiss oh right and she did this oh you know when that happens what was
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she looking at anything but me yeah i mean look you know i mean the skyline oh yeah yeah
00:10:18
or whatever cool and then i go oh well so i read it wrong she's like there's just no way
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i go there's no way what just look at i just your your everything
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about you is just there's nothing really yeah and it's like six months of this yeah and i go
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really she get i mean just friend by the way six months i know she goes
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friend friends hardy yeah yeah yeah so hardy friend right and then
00:10:51
that's when i realized that like if i just looked a certain way right yeah that maybe she
00:10:57
would have done it no no because women aren't as shallow as men women will date a man that's unattractive they'll just be attracted
00:11:04
to them for other qualities i.e who you're with right now yeah so it's like if there was just was no connection
00:11:09
with you and that girl no because no no sexual connection no
00:11:15
because i'll tell you what happened what um not with her but with somebody else do you know um patrick
00:11:21
swayze no patrick keane patrick keane's a comedian yeah i don't know yeah so patrick keane used to live in
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koreatown right and there was another girl right where she was an artist and i begged
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you know i mean i begged on my hands and knees for her please just make out right she's like no no nope
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no way no way she turned away too another friend i didn't even go for a kiss and she turned away you're making a lot of friends at least
00:11:48
i know but then later right she i remember she brought paintings this is
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this is before i was on matt tv sure and then she brought paintings to the comedy store right and she told a doorman she goes i
00:12:01
didn't know that he would become famous and i want to hook up with him again like hang out with him again and i drew him up a painting
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no right no no you know i got the painting and i threw it in the big dumpster
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in the store yeah yeah i've thrown only two things in that dumpster i threw i've thrown that painting in
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that dumpster it was a painting of you i don't think it was i think it was a painting of like asians like working on
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a a rice farm or something i would have liked that yeah and then um i threw away one of
00:12:31
sebastian's pairs of shoes why would you do that oh man what he did was what sebastian
00:12:38
monoskalco did was blasphemy what so i'm at the comedy store one night
00:12:45
minding my own business yeah here comes sebastian and he looks you know back then he
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used to wear like silk red you know what i mean t-shirt i made
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button-ups oh yeah black slacks yeah right dress shoes but so there we go so it's the shoes i
00:13:02
looked down and i almost vomited i went you know what i mean
00:13:08
like what the [ __ ] is that right and he goes oh i just got this from you know i online it from italy right
00:13:15
and i go it's a good impression by the way don't please don't right now not right now so oh i just got this
00:13:23
from italy so what they were were black dress shoes yeah so imagine black
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and they're slip-ons so imagine slip-on black dress which is fine ferragamos yeah which are
00:13:35
which is fine yeah but have you ever seen ninja shoes
00:13:40
ninja shoes yeah where it like the it was the toe yeah the toe you could see the toe right
00:13:46
and then there was another section his shoes were that yes no leather right but with the toe
00:13:52
you know turtle toes right one big toe another toe right you go look at it it's [ __ ] you know
00:13:57
futuristic or whatever right they've never done this before or whatever and i go how much were they he goes i
00:14:03
don't know 125 bucks i had 200 in cash i'll give you 200 right now
00:14:09
and there's a bunch of comics standing around why did you want the shoes so bad to throw them away
00:14:17
so you bought him he took the shoes off he took off he had like sandals in the car yeah he goes i got sansa i go give me
00:14:23
here's 200 and people were laughing right right and i gave them the 200 bucks i took them
00:14:28
and everyone saw i threw him in the dumpster did he see yeah blasphemy and he was laughing too did he go get him oh that he could have
00:14:34
i bet you he went and got him what a coward if he did he's like good night everybody climbing in the trash
00:14:39
yeah so i've done two things i've thrown that painting and that and that why did pat keane come into that story
00:14:47
where was pat keane is because pat keane used to live in like a shitty apartment in koreatown and she
00:14:52
lived there no he used to have like people in the building hang out there yeah it was sort of like a gypsy
00:15:00
kind of dwelling i don't even know what that means just people coming in and out and you know oh like like you
00:15:06
mean like a like a traveler yeah yeah yeah it was like uh you know a halfway house
00:15:11
bohemian bohemian halfway house yeah come and go as you please yeah and um she used to hang out there
00:15:16
and i um but i think i've been thinking about but the gay thing the bisexual thing
00:15:21
um i think you're wrong because um are you afraid of being bisexual no i have nothing against being a bisexuality you
00:15:27
know no no no no no of you being bi are you afraid no no you know because you don't think that i you know you know one of the who said uh
00:15:33
a life not self-examined is a life not worth living i think it was uh socrates who said that sure right so
00:15:40
i've examined my life you know i mean i know what i like what i don't and i've i've gone internal it's just natural
00:15:45
when you see a hot guy to go wow that's a hot right so i what you read was you know i'm just going oh there's a specimen for you what do you
00:15:52
think do you think is that a lie i just think if there's an opportunity that peter bobby
00:15:58
could do something to a man he would hmm that's that's [ __ ] crazy that
00:16:04
sounds fair but what gives you that idea i just feel it [Laughter]
00:16:11
we got a little soothsayer over there right so she can feel the vibe i know because she i'll tell you what she's getting though it's like i tell
00:16:17
jokes around the house right like like we'll watch a movie like um mad max you know what i mean and then
00:16:25
you were the first scene in mad max where you see tom hardy's back yeah right and he turns around and he
00:16:31
has a lizard in his mouth mm-hmm right whenever he turns around i go wink you know i'll make that noise
00:16:37
to get a laugh from from the maybe that's a way of you covering up your insecurity about it
00:16:42
you could actually feel it and be weirded out by it and not know how to address it let me tell you something you know who tyler the creator is the rapper yeah of
00:16:48
course okay when we work together on punk this is before he kind of came out as
00:16:54
i don't know i think he's pansexual means anything right isn't that what it is yeah yeah i don't know what he came out of but whatever he used to come up to me all
00:16:59
the time all constantly yeah and call me gay constantly like you gay ass
00:17:05
gay ass red [ __ ] yeah yeah every day yeah and i'd be like i'm not gay i mean i don't care but why
00:17:11
is he insane yeah yeah it was and he would say that all the time to people and then years later when he came i was
00:17:16
like oh it's just because he loved playing with the idea because it was his truth to call get to say things were gay right
00:17:23
because because he was cool that was in in him somewhere so maybe it's in you somewhere well here's where i'll because maybe you
00:17:29
saying boink is comedy covering up for fact no it's not that man you heard it here on bad friends bobby lee is bi
00:17:36
please submit to give me some of that bow box i'm not gonna deny it yet but let's explore it for a second i want to what
00:17:42
i'm saying is is that like for instance right if there was a guy
00:17:47
a producer of a huge movie yeah right yeah and you were gonna get paid the
00:17:52
role was 2 million you just knew they was going to change your [ __ ] life in your career i know where this is going right
00:17:58
so what i'm asking is most guys would be like no i wouldn't suck that producer's dick for the job
00:18:03
right would you bobby lee would you i would not you would not you know what
00:18:10
no yeah you would either yeah you would me either you have to say it so loud because it's real no no yeah i'm not bad you're not gay that's
00:18:17
like a 13 year old oh yeah yeah me either dude how about this yeah give me a scenario what if what if i told you
00:18:23
you're in the room with him and he said i want you to just kiss me i just like to be kissed on my penis but i don't have to complete
00:18:29
oh like a oh like uh just a peck on the tip like this oh i don't even do i'd even do this
00:18:35
right and i would even do this at the end right to the tip and do a lick and he says you have to do that for 10 minutes
00:18:41
a lick 10 minutes and then i'll give you the roll you have to kiss me but i also like i'm eating a vagina but
00:18:46
i'll do it on the tip of his penis right you have to do that 10 minutes and he has to get a picture well could i
00:18:51
be laughing no you got to take it seriously because i would be laughing my head off and he wants to take one photo of it
00:18:57
yeah it's so funny because kala kalaila we were laughing at this idea of like a
00:19:02
sex scene with me and some other male guy right in it i go no no no no there's no because they're just
00:19:09
certain guys you know i mean like for instance i talked to joe coy yesterday and i thought to myself if i had you to
00:19:16
do you know a make-out scene with joe coy i just wouldn't be we would just be like we can't do it
00:19:22
you'd be laughing the whole time because we would laugh so hard and then and she goes what about santino and i go
00:19:28
there is absolutely no way there's no way you wouldn't do a sex scene with me i
00:19:33
just it depends on the money okay all right so you're getting a million i'm getting a million right i'll do it
00:19:39
no and then you we both have to be literally naked on the set i'll do it no no stop stop we have to we don't have to
00:19:47
you know do tongues with the open mouth as we're breaking out i'll do it
00:19:54
i'll do it for the sake of the comedy i know no it's not it's a drama i know but for the after but afterwards it's common okay
00:19:59
do you really literally think that first of all if it's a one day if it's just they're shooting
00:20:04
for one scene do you think you and i people are believable that you and i are in love yeah they could people at home think
00:20:09
we're in love yeah that's why we do this show but it would be they would take it would take a week to get that scene done sure but we'll
00:20:15
be laughing so hard but we'll get it yeah i'm gonna do it because sign me up hello guess what what my best friend in
00:20:23
the whole world yeah he's my [ __ ] well i thought i was well you're okay my ass next to your butt next year next to
00:20:29
my yeah yeah next year and i'll tell you something right now i like my friend my best friend to be clean yeah right i want you to be
00:20:36
able to eat a fried egg off of my [ __ ] when you use hellotusha you could you can i'll tell you why number one
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is easy to install yeah number two you're not using garbage toilet paper and the poor tree
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is out there right you're not killing the vehicle it cleans your butthole better than any toilet paper that you ever have it does right tell them more
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about it if you don't know what a bidet is wake up dude wake your [ __ ] up it sprays your tush
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tush when you're done don't use a ton of toilet paper it's annoying it's stupid we both have one here at our house and
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oh my god i got a new um package of me undies the other day you know that's all i've been wearing baby it's so comfy on my tushy uh me undies
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it's like you literally can feel the difference oh it feels so between you know regular underwear that you would get at wherever
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pains whatever they are yeah when you're wearing me undies it's like you're going to the
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four seasons it's like your butt went to a nice hotel yeah it's really nice it's like your your genitals i love the designs the designs are
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really cute and um they're just vibrant and you could just tell that you're wearing a very
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high quality yeah you know yeah piece of uh and they're for all kinds of humans all
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that's me undies.com bad friends so ike baron holds when we were on mata
00:23:49
tv together we did this geisha sketch where you know you know and he played like this american soldier and
00:23:56
i played a geisha yeah and we were doing a montage scene right what do you mean like it was just like
00:24:02
montages of us making love uh you know i mean on a refrigerator and just different places you know and
00:24:08
then i goes let's scissor which
00:24:14
wouldn't make any sense right makes a lot of sense to me right so we got on this mattress and we got in the scissoring position
00:24:20
and we almost got fired we were laughing so hard you couldn't get through we couldn't get through it tears coming down our face right so i'm
00:24:28
saying that i don't know if i could do it would you do a kissing scene with uh eric griffin no
00:24:36
why he's not my type no no be real why he's not my type so i'm your type you're
00:24:43
you're my type for yeah if i was going to be a dominant sex no i'm the dominator you're
00:24:49
absolutely the bottom for sure in the scene really yeah you're the bottom you're a little gentle
00:24:54
you're for sure but to break stereotypes right and to do a different angle on
00:25:00
more inclusivity right that you would have to be the bottom i just i could it wouldn't be possible yes it would be you'd crush lay
00:25:07
on my stomach on your stomach you'd crush me right i would lay bare it would hurt imagine dude imagine you
00:25:12
layering laying bear think about it on your stomach with your pale
00:25:18
red white cheeks yeah right yeah me taking off my [ __ ] pants [Laughter]
00:25:25
and then me laying on top of you right rolling rolling right on top imagine though what if i got erect what
00:25:30
would you say i i go figures figures yeah slip it in slip it in stop
00:25:37
being a goofy i said no to eric griffin too when kaleila brought his name up well who's going to play it what do you mean who's gonna play your
00:25:42
lover who's gonna play this gay lover in the show she was throwing joe coy in the in the middle i don't think that's good
00:25:48
why don't you get a really good looking guy and really test your ability you really want to test rudy's theory
00:25:53
get a super hot guy to do it like the guy that was just jogging we should just pulled over he went apart yeah yeah he's like wait what's up of
00:25:59
course yeah yeah you should you should get a really hot guy to test your rudy's theory might be right brandon ruth who brandon ruth is that
00:26:08
his name i don't know who brandon ruth is he was superman is he or is he like your celebrity crush
00:26:14
well i'll tell you it's weird because me and my me and my old lady have the same celebrity guy crush brandon ruth that guy
00:26:19
yeah oh you like him dude rudy is that guy good looking yeah yeah that was quick so
00:26:27
click i'll click on one i'll tell you my story with brendan ruth yeah so the casting that we talked to yeah
00:26:33
not my type again she called in yeah she had this weird part so the two people she
00:26:39
wanted maybe for it was either him or me same guy so we were sitting in the lobby
00:26:44
together right we didn't say anything yeah we're just kind of going over our lines because he thinks there's no way you're
00:26:49
out for the same role yeah that guy looks at you and goes well we're not going for the same thing but i looked at the sign-in sheet
00:26:54
and it's the same character wow yeah well they want diversity i don't know what it was but i remember
00:27:00
just going you know when you read that that i'm we're going for the same part i you almost want to leave
00:27:07
i would leave yeah like you're going to get this so i'm not going to leaving yeah unless they're going for comedy but i
00:27:12
remember thinking like i did maybe five glances i did this i was
00:27:18
reading you're wanting him to return a glance you never did and then i didn't a
00:27:24
longer one i went do you know why why hot people don't see ugly people the
00:27:30
way that we see them
00:27:39
they don't look at us the same they look at us they look through you a little bit they look at you like you're sort of
00:27:45
like you furniture right like you might be able to your help i've had hot people
00:27:50
use me as furniture right you know me like lean on me yeah because you're i mean
00:27:55
like you're like you know what you know like someone like oliver hudson he's better looking than i am
00:28:01
but yeah yeah right and i remember one time we were when we were splitting up together he
00:28:07
the director was giving us notes and he kind of leaned on my head cute i know like this and i
00:28:13
was just kind of like you know i mean just yeah what do you do thank you oliver yeah yeah may i have another you you're
00:28:20
right so they they look at you your objects uh you're kind of like um in a hot guy in a hot person's world we
00:28:26
we are um different colors you're not in the same category as me because you me and you yeah we do get
00:28:34
lumped in the same there's no way because i'll tell you why we get lumped in the same as far as like
00:28:40
red-headed men i get lumped in this like oh he's the he's like a um he's like um one of the
00:28:45
sad boys put him in the ugg because i cuz there's things that
00:28:50
i know about you right things that have happened to you that would never happen to me okay but
00:28:57
that's what my point is is that you know aside from show business yeah right if
00:29:03
you're just lining us up outside on the street no one knew who the [ __ ] we were and you would say who's better looking
00:29:10
they would say neither and keep driving you think so they go perfect goodbye you're both weird yeah and they'd be gone
00:29:16
between you and george though so what's george then if we're ugly what is george george is um well do you see george is a
00:29:24
nerd right a smart so smart ugly people are actually more coveted in their community and of the of the nerds he's kind of a
00:29:31
good looking silicon valley exactly where he'd be killing it exactly ah when you're a nerd like george is
00:29:37
yeah and you're you're a full-blown dork freakazoid nerd yeah yeah poindexter doofus yeah
00:29:45
then when you look like george he kind of is the top end of good-looking dork yeah in the dork world he's up there
00:29:51
because he doesn't have buck teeth you know he says like words that i don't ever say like he probably at five times a day says
00:29:56
this word algorithm algorithm analytics analytics analytics algorithms
00:30:04
yes george he's the top of that category right but let me say this let me jump backwards real fast
00:30:09
look i am agreeing with bobby i'm not going to go with you on this jules that you're not bisexual you're just
00:30:14
conscious of your of your you're comfortable with your amanda you're conscious of your feelings some men are like ew other guys aren't good
00:30:20
looking that's gross but like i see a guy and i'll go sometimes i'll pass a guy with with my lady and i'll go
00:30:29
let me see that [ __ ] guy yeah okay good and then she'll go and then she'll go i mean what a no and i know she's lying
00:30:36
right of course you saw that guy yeah the whole [ __ ] trader joe's saw that guy yeah i wanted to follow him
00:30:42
yeah i wanted to go where he was going i didn't even need stuff from the frozen section but i'm going there now because hot guy's there
00:30:48
because the shirts fall on their back just right yeah their pants always fit the best their shoes are cool also they're their
00:30:54
hair is just neat the way it just like lays what gets me mm-hmm like i know he's not
00:31:00
this episode is called we're not gay yeah we're not gay but we what gets me i have a friend he's an actor yeah he's small like i am but i think
00:31:06
he's cute his name is ashton holmes do you know him what a name no but what a name so he was in a movie called um
00:31:13
history of violence i love it did you see that movie no but i love you guys no i didn't saw it so he played vega merchants son in the movie
00:31:19
and ashton i've had coffee with him right yeah and many times when i've had coffee with him i've been so
00:31:25
focused on his he has wet lips yes yeah and no i'm drinking it right i try not
00:31:32
to do it right and he'll be talking about like he loves yoga of course yeah yeah you know so i was doing the downward dog you know
00:31:38
and he's talking about this thing about the downward dog right and i'm like yeah i know that's a difficult and i'll just kind of look at his lips and i'll just
00:31:44
get lost in it you know what i mean i'm not not in a gay way not in a section not in a gay way
00:31:50
because your lips are so [ __ ] dry it disgusts me why do that to keep keep you away from me
00:31:55
i don't want you to start getting turned on oh you have naturally moist lips and you yeah yeah i dry out you dry before i
00:32:01
come here i put the hair dryer right like i'll be having coffee with ash and i'll just be kind of lost in his
00:32:07
moist pink lips yeah yeah it kind of looks like a [ __ ] almost that's why yeah maybe hot people are so
00:32:13
hot sometimes they're androgynous where you don't know right it's hot for a guy or hot for a girl it's the one in the same yeah
00:32:19
sometimes they're so hot it doesn't matter what it is yeah but that's just because they that's why i'm saying it's it's objective it's
00:32:24
obvious when someone's hot we all go well that person's hot yeah that guy that was in
00:32:29
dresses movie that we showed last week aiden kanto the guy that was in the sitcom with me yeah i'm not joking when we would go to get
00:32:35
lunch together and go to like crafty the way that people looked at him just to get lunch
00:32:41
was like what a pleasant like like they brought he brought them joy by being so good-looking
00:32:46
you go hi how are you and they're like hey yeah they give joy and they're so nice and they're sweet he brightens them
00:32:52
up and then i go and i go hey do we have pork loin today and they're like ugh yes yeah
00:32:57
yeah yeah take it and get the [ __ ] out yeah it's just hot hot people make people feel um vulnerable because they're
00:33:05
better than us it's it's almost unfair they're better than us you know that whole idea
00:33:10
you know how that whole this is what i don't i believe in god all right okay okay but but this one
00:33:17
when religious people say this yeah and god loves everyone the same it's not true it's so not true obviously has
00:33:25
favoritism going on yeah like just imagine like him making a chris hemsworth or tom hardy right
00:33:32
i'll give him talent but let's spend a week on the face right with me right yeah they went you gotta go get
00:33:40
through it this one's gotta go right we gotta make a billion of them go go
00:33:46
yeah yeah yeah and he just threw them you know what i mean yeah not just one at a time in groups
00:33:52
god i think god plays jokes yeah he makes jokes and then they say they gave me pimples on top of pimples
00:33:57
yeah what is that is that a bit like they were they were like getting getting drunk and it was just like
00:34:03
pimples then he was like put him on top of the other purples why yeah and that probably like moses or
00:34:09
somebody said to god why let's just see what happens it's funny yeah yeah yeah it's funny yeah and then like you you see like some
00:34:16
kids are born like as a rockefeller right they're right and then the kids are like
00:34:21
born in some tundra in africa you know i mean right right with just famine war disease
00:34:28
that's the quick that was a there's no god doesn't love everyone to say it's impossible it's impossible it can't
00:34:33
it literally can't be doesn't make any sense but also when you you stumbled up for a second when you said god i do believe in
00:34:38
a thing i don't call it god i don't like that well yeah what i mean by god i don't mean like you know a western religion version of i just
00:34:44
don't like the idea of it being some dude in the sky with sandals i think that's absurd but it's absurd but i don't like it
00:34:52
when someone does religious imposition like last night or a couple nights two nights ago i was
00:34:58
with my friends and their baby right and we're out we're walking in the neighborhood and a woman go is clearly coming from
00:35:05
the bar around the corner and she's tanked and she's like oh my god is that a baby
00:35:11
yeah no it's not a baby in the stroller what the [ __ ] do you think this is yeah yeah it's a [ __ ] baby oh yeah oh
00:35:18
my god oh my god god bless and god bless you and the babe and she kept saying god bless
00:35:23
over and over and over and it's almost like okay but like god bless your baby and
00:35:30
god bless the health of your baby yeah what if my friends don't believe in god yeah stop saying god bless the baby also what
00:35:37
if god hates that baby yeah what if it's a really ugly baby yeah so don't do that to the baby and the
00:35:43
family yeah god bless you and god bless the babe maybe god didn't bless the baby it's got one eye yeah religion is um
00:35:51
one of those things that peop because i understand it right we're a product of our environment right
00:35:57
for instance you know i always tell my christian friends that like you know if i was born
00:36:03
right in a buddhist colony somewhere in tibet or whatever right i'm not going to be a mormon right
00:36:10
no i'm a [ __ ] buddhist you're a boy you're just you're whatever is around you you get fed that stuff totally and it molds you
00:36:16
and that's what you are until you decide i don't want to do it anymore some most a lot of people do that or continue
00:36:22
yeah and then so for me it's like i wasn't raised right with any kind of religion really i
00:36:28
mean i was baptized mormon you were yeah you didn't know that i've never known that yeah yeah do you know
00:36:33
that no yeah yeah what paul you know paul paul remember the
00:36:40
the phone thing that we that the invention that he made yes yeah yeah we sold a lot of those did we
00:36:46
yeah so so my uncle paul's dad yeah was a mormon and you got baptized in him and he used
00:36:52
to make us get in the corridor right and i'm it's a sunday i imagine i
00:36:57
was never even raised religious just one day my mom go you have to get out that we have to go
00:37:03
you have to go to the church so you'd go i would go and then i would like i auditioned for the mormon tabernacle choir
00:37:08
what yeah and i just i didn't even make it the first round because they could tell i put the bow tie on and everything right and i was like
00:37:16
out get out right so then i auditioned for that and then i would go and then the next
00:37:22
thing i know i'm i'm in water how old are you
00:37:27
12 i don't know really i don't know how old that was well because in in cat catholics we
00:37:33
baptize when you're a baby no i was like i had no i didn't have hair
00:37:38
i didn't have hair until i was 19 or whatever which was what had happened wait a minute you were in water when i discovered hair
00:37:45
right it was as if i won a billion dollars in the lottery yeah one here kind of sprouted when i
00:37:51
was like 19. uh-huh like what yeah i was so excited were you in a tub where did you get baptized it was at the
00:37:59
the church the the the church in poway where i'm from i know but how big was were you up it
00:38:04
was like a like a jacuzzi not somebody's backyard it was the size of a jacuzzi but square
00:38:10
they have jacuzzis at church yeah the mormons are tight and they you go down these stairs i remember the
00:38:15
water being really cold and i remember shaking because it was because i didn't want to do it right like you know when you you're just going
00:38:22
down and some white man old white hand right imagine an old wrinkly white hat
00:38:27
he grabs the back of your head and he slowly dunks you in right and then you're like you know what i mean
00:38:33
yeah you're in the water and you're like wow what am i doing here does he say something while he's dunking
00:38:38
you i don't know i don't remember because the catholics they do a whole thing and they flip the baby and all that she's baptized mormon men and why didn't you continue
00:38:45
mormonism i stopped and they and they wouldn't they're like they're worse than like um with the
00:38:50
students student loan people they they they hound you about coming back yeah every
00:38:56
day i would get phone calls you're gonna come back yeah where are you right right oh this is my favorite
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00:39:10
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yeah uh it's the the they've done the the design part of it is incredible because the sound is also very good too
00:39:27
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you have to like because i have raycon right right right but you have to kind of tap it a bunch of times yeah i don't know if it's happening or not no it's
00:39:43
annoying and then look rekons have six hours of play time their water and sweat resistance how long six hours fly to new york
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00:42:04
that's why you started partying hard was because mormonism i think it was because i was number one
00:42:10
born with that disposition disease right number two i think um what exacerbated it you know i mean it
00:42:18
was um the beatings from my dad yeah the violent you know nature of my house right and i was molested see i think
00:42:24
this is a thing yeah rudy might be a bond to something because of when your dad used to tell you can't be gay
00:42:30
yeah maybe that's because he felt like you might have been gay and he was trying to beat it out of you
00:42:35
you're gonna beat the gay right audio is what your dad was trying to do so subconsciously you might have you
00:42:40
guys i've told you that i don't know if i told you this but there was a kid at parties that used to just go suck my dick in the
00:42:47
bush and i would do it yeah you told me that right yeah so i remember when he used to grab
00:42:52
my head to do that i have his name but i'm not going to say it say it no say it we'll bleep it out it'll be fine no because i can't say it because
00:42:58
it's like beetlejuice he wrote me a letter no until you say three times he'll come back and then what happened was um when i was at the american comedy
00:43:06
company yeah doing a weekend there i go into the you know the back dressing or whatever
00:43:11
that and um there's a note you mean on the table right and it
00:43:17
doesn't say any kind of apologies i'm sorry that you know i made you suck my dick you know me ten times or whatever right
00:43:23
it was like i have a family now i have kids and i just want to congratulate you
00:43:29
congratulate you on all your success and here's my number if you ever want to hang out and like i'm
00:43:35
like i'm going to call that so that next thing next thing you know i'm at his house right yes and there's
00:43:40
all these bushes in the backyard in front of his family yeah which one which one you know his wife is like do
00:43:46
it yeah so um what was that yeah but i remember him doing that in in when i was
00:43:52
a kid younger and going was he the same age yeah and going i
00:43:57
don't want to be doing this i hated it yeah yeah i mean so i don't know i don't think i'm gay well that that's abuse that's not
00:44:06
what i mean what he was doing was abuse it's not like you're like oh yeah this isn't right for me that's not how like
00:44:11
gay men hook up they don't get like physically forced into sucking random guys penises
00:44:17
he was cute [Music] you're right though consensual before
00:44:23
right but i don't have any i don't have that i'm not trying to fish to find out i don't i have no i rudy thinks something honestly
00:44:29
honestly dude i don't have any even if like if i was like i went to like some sort
00:44:37
of clinic right and they did all these tests on me right and i went to therapy test yeah just a gay test
00:44:43
right they they you know i mean they got to know my history right right that was completely they injected me with
00:44:49
some honest serum some truth serious truth theorem whatever that though yeah yeah and i'm babbling off and if
00:44:55
and at the end of it because when my dad died i went to that trauma place i told you about that like last year
00:45:00
they had this thing where all the counselors right all the therapists at this place put me
00:45:06
in a gigantic kind of like mini um gymnasium and they all
00:45:12
had notes of analyzing me and they're telling me what's wrong with me whoa right and everyone stood up well i
00:45:19
did you know i mean a two-hour session yeah and i found this about him you know and
00:45:25
so i if if they did that and they said but there was one for gay people and they said we you know we've done all the
00:45:32
you know tests yeah we think that he is 100 true homosexual right i
00:45:39
wouldn't i would be like all right you would accept it yeah but i don't think that that would happened
00:45:44
all right but it sounds like you kind of want it to happen no i don't want it to happen and i'm going to tell you another thing too all right here's another thing to
00:45:50
defend myself all right i like it you think there's a gay test it doesn't matter but here's another thing yeah is i can't tell you the comics name
00:45:59
but there was a comic i found i heard a rumor that he him and another comic
00:46:06
guy sucked each other's dick in a movie theater you get jealous no i didn't get jealous
00:46:12
so then i remember so the second time i had i i remember watching him hook up with this girl
00:46:19
right and he i remember him going i i don't know what's wrong oh right
00:46:27
sorry sorry that's fine sorry juliana but then here's what now
00:46:32
you say sorry no been 55 weeks of this [ __ ] something that is new so okay good so 17 years ago
00:46:40
when i got sober the last time you know what i mean when i knew i was going to get sober what i what i did was for a whole week
00:46:47
because i lived i lived in silver lake yeah and i used to just invite comics and people over to my house right
00:46:52
because i'm going i'm going to rehab right so let's just come to my apartment let's smoke weed
00:46:58
and drink whiskey all week long yeah right yeah so we were watching platoon
00:47:05
it was just platoon was on right and i was high and drunk right
00:47:11
and he said that he was on my couch and he it was just him and i so i we're watching platoon i'm high and
00:47:16
drunk and oh you have to imagine i hadn't been high and drunk in 12 years like right so could i have been sober for
00:47:22
that long right and he goes hey let's suck my dick man let's suck my dick he goes suck my dick man from
00:47:28
behind and i don't know if like if i was so high and drunk because i remember going
00:47:34
just watch william to phone this movie yeah and i think he come on man suck my
00:47:41
dick right and i was just like focusing pretending to not hear it oliver stone is so talented
00:47:48
pretending not to hear it you know what i mean yeah like if i had this you know i mean this course blinders
00:47:53
this is what was happening right literally you know what i mean just focus on this
00:47:58
right he's sitting next to you and i remember going yeah i'm getting kind of tired man it was like seven
00:48:06
7 p.m get a little tired man get the [ __ ] out of here trying to crash early dude yeah yeah let
00:48:12
me ask you about this though because um this actually happened today about the asian accent thing so i got offered you know a very big
00:48:19
movie with a very big star we not say who i don't want to because i because i talked to the director today
00:48:25
on zoom and he's the nicest guy in the world he huge fan who is the director do i know
00:48:31
i'll tell you later okay but he was just like you're right for the part and it's like a thick
00:48:37
asian accent and i'm just like i just can't do it but what i see i'm
00:48:43
curious i remember doing when i was on the dictator and i did an accent for that
00:48:48
well i love george clooney he's an old-fashioned movie star he gay he suck my dick no those are just
00:48:55
rumors are you homosexual i remember having a conversation with
00:49:01
cho and i go is that weird he goes i would never do it
00:49:07
right like i've never done it but he's but he's you know what you know no
00:49:14
like a real actor
00:49:20
i know he is well we're not real actors we're comedic actors i understand that but still it kind of like
00:49:27
it kind of jarred me it hurt your feelings a little bit too a little bit because he's like he's like saying i'm better than you no it wasn't that because you
00:49:34
know i you know i it was he got some sort of lifetime like asian excellence award thing that he
00:49:40
wanted me to be the presenter i mean he's always liked me and i always like that right but he knows that he's his skill level
00:49:46
is different than yours yeah because he did beat me out of hair lakuma 100 yeah obviously yeah i mean they put you
00:49:53
in the movie no less yeah but yeah but um yeah so whenever when he said that
00:49:58
back then you know i mean i had only done it like i'd curb i did an asian accent and it was very
00:50:03
funny though yeah i did asian accents for you know josh
00:50:08
josh gad josh gad and billy crystal had a show right it was called the comedians the comedians yeah i did an asian accent for that did
00:50:15
they ask you to or you did it on your own no because it's larry charles i know so larry charles
00:50:20
he did all three of them dictator yep curb yeah and that show that was all larry
00:50:27
charles i know i love him and he likes the way i do asian accents so he just if he needs an asian accent he always
00:50:33
calls me well you're gonna do it also you know so like but then after john said that i was just like i just
00:50:39
can't [ __ ] do it anymore it just it just but why do you think asians don't have asian accents
00:50:46
i think it's because um back in the day that's all they wrote us sure right and
00:50:52
that's how they see us but back in the day there weren't a lot of american asians yet until i was
00:50:57
generation if i was in a show called deadwood yeah and i was playing a [ __ ] you know i mean a chinese man who was
00:51:03
doing laundry obviously i would do an accent because that's what was you know the environment
00:51:09
but you're saying there's no asians in 2021 with but in 2021 what i'm saying is is that
00:51:14
i'm a guy in l.a right right it's like why do i have to do an asian
00:51:20
accent because you just came over here from korea i understand that just got here a year ago right then get an a an
00:51:26
actor what my argument is is that because it was written for like a 70 year old
00:51:32
you asian man perfect right like um do you ever see the matrix obviously
00:51:37
the key master or whatever his name you know i mean yeah that type of guy you know i mean they had one in john wick too where it's like
00:51:42
he's the medic yeah this old chinese man right that's what it was written you know that archetype character type i mean and
00:51:50
it's like get that guy but he's busy yeah well you're next on the list kid what do
00:51:55
you do why do you do this i want you to do an asian no no why why stop for a second
00:52:03
why do you do this the show no no why do you do why do you always
00:52:08
right i say one thing i do it for rudy i don't know i'm asking you all right i say one
00:52:14
[ __ ] thing dude right and you always take the opposing right point of view to [ __ ] make my throat
00:52:21
sore right why do you do that all right let me start the let's do it the other way okay i'll now i'm gonna agree with everything
00:52:27
you say i'm not gonna pose anything i understand you answered the question
00:52:33
that's right right that's create to create conversation conversation right we're making a [ __ ] show here
00:52:38
okay all right we're making a [ __ ] show so let's go welcome to bad friends let's go the other way then okay
00:52:44
all right all right so they made me do they're making me do this asian accent oh why would they make you do these exactly why would they do that [ __ ]
00:52:50
2021. yeah wake up yeah that's this is good you you shouldn't ever do an asian accent
00:52:57
but i say that honestly because you're not good at it i'm better at the asian accent than you are
00:53:02
and can i say something i mean it and i mean this i mean because you're making me so mad
00:53:08
you're making me so mad but i mean this huh i would have to agree with you really yeah only because yours
00:53:16
you look so asian that when you see when you do the accent they go this is fake but for me i look like me
00:53:23
yeah yeah yeah it was like one you know it's like my indian accent
00:53:29
it's because i grew up next to an indian family yeah and i listened to them every day and and we would and i would just be
00:53:36
able to impersonate it because it was monkey see monkey do yeah so most people do an indian accent and it's cliche
00:53:44
this whole episode it's been you know whatever 40 minutes we're just figuring it out yeah yeah like i'm not i'm not gay but i'd be okay
00:53:51
if i was yeah because who cares like if someday i figured out i was like maybe i guess no i am
00:53:57
you you continue to tell me that you're not gay with so many gay lived experiences yeah
00:54:02
you don't understand the vibe that you put out okay the re i think other people think you might be sexually um open why read it on the internet
00:54:10
because you've had more people say to you hey suck my dick hey let's go to have sex with it has to
00:54:16
do with my size no it has to do with your vibe that shirt's kind of gay
00:54:23
yeah because you know what's so funny you have a gay vibe maybe you're so funny because i was with i was at the abbey yeah you
00:54:30
know what it's a gay bar here it's the most famous gay bar i was at the abbey right during the day i don't know why i know
00:54:35
why no so anyway i was at the abbey and i was with um
00:54:41
a couple of guys justin martindale no i wasn't no i wasn't yeah and we were just
00:54:46
sitting around the abbey i think because i was sober at the time right and i was just drinking like a diet coke or whatever and this guy i was with right he had a
00:54:54
buddy that came that just kind of happened to see him sure right he sat with us and then he put his hand on your pants
00:55:02
on my leg on like and started rubbing my knee yeah i go whoa whoa dude i said to him
00:55:07
dude i'm not yeah i mean i mean i i you know i'm flattered right and he goes oh i thought you just give
00:55:14
off those vibes you do and i go oh i shouldn't be doing that
00:55:19
well it's hard it's your aura it's your essence you give off a vibe of like i could be down yeah you're like a you're like a
00:55:25
challenge yeah a guy a good looking guy sees you and he goes look at that little pudgy challenge with a little [ __ ]
00:55:31
load of the earth challenge i think you're you're a challenge but that's a compliment yeah right
00:55:37
a gay guy sees me and he goes no chance no see but greg i i equate it to this you know greg
00:55:42
fitzsimmons of course love him yeah best comic yeah so fitz simmons told me a story where
00:55:47
back in the day when he was in boston he was a young man and he goes um one
00:55:52
day i just wanted to see if i was gay or not test the water right so he goes i went to a park where i knew
00:55:59
gay dudes were [ __ ] in a what yeah no i know that every city has a park it has a park yeah people were [ __ ]
00:56:04
in the forest in the woods in the woods right so he goes you know i just showed up there one day right and i was talking to
00:56:10
him about it and he goes i walked into the forest and this guy comes up to me
00:56:15
right uh-huh and he came really close to me and i guess greg pushed him yeah and he just left the
00:56:22
forest and realized he wasn't gay you're mean so you just committed to
00:56:28
hate so when he told me that store i was like you know that's me it's like i i
00:56:34
i've always been kind of curious about it and close to the edge yeah and i like being in close to the edge on everything drugs
00:56:40
right like i like visceral movies you know i mean i like weird music you know yeah i don't know i
00:56:48
don't know what has that has to do with being gay but no no but i'll tell you why because i'm whimsical in that way
00:56:53
whimsical you are whimsical yeah which is why you borderline i'm not gay can you look up take a gay
00:57:00
test we should take a test to find out i'm not gay by the way you say it negative it's fine if i happen to be one that's fine but
00:57:08
i'm just not one i don't know why this podcast has turned into this well because because because
00:57:13
rudy said that she thinks you might be and let's see let's take this quiz let's take this quick quiz and just to find
00:57:19
out all right by the way this is from mit developers this is gotta be real then yeah okay uh let's start let's try it okay
00:57:26
why'd you decide to take the test bob is that what yeah to check how gay you are i'll read it to you
00:57:31
no zoom it in okay zoom it in zoom it in pinch and zoom there we are okay so why did you decide to take this test to
00:57:37
check how gay i am exclamation point to make sure that i'm straight exclamation point just to have fun sometimes i have
00:57:44
fantasies about the same sex go click on the second one just to make
00:57:49
sure that i'm straight yeah right safety net okay so have you ever looked at a person of the same sex and
00:57:54
felt attracted in a sexual way let me let me read okay go ahead yes have you ever looked at a person
00:58:00
of the same sex and failed and felt attracted in a sexual way yes all of my crushes are same-sex yeah
00:58:06
sometimes but i also have a crush on the opposite sex never i'm not gay at all very rarely but
00:58:13
there were a few moments when i really liked someone of the same sex give me four okay so very rarely but there were a few moments when i really
00:58:19
liked some of the same sex yes give me four perfect if your best friend confessed to you that he is gay you would
00:58:24
feel delighted and welcome him or her into the club get excited and start flirting with him or her make a joke about it or tell him or her
00:58:31
that sometimes you feel attracted to the same sex too third make a joke about it right
00:58:36
have you ever worn or fantasized wearing clothes of another sex all the time sometimes but probably not
00:58:41
going public like that never or rarely but sometimes i may wear my partner's clothes outside
00:58:48
i think it's four four yeah rarely but you actually sometimes wear kalila's stuff yeah how frequent are your same-sex
00:58:53
sexual fantasies uh all of my dreams are about the same sex most of the time never or rarely
00:58:59
how many frequent are your same-sex how many times you have a dream about the same sex you've never had a dream with another guy in it nope you sure
00:59:06
yep all right there were no people left in the world except for someone of the same sex you would be happy as no one
00:59:11
would ever flirt with you ever again be disappointed that you're losing out on another sex or fall into despair as you will never have sexual partner ever
00:59:17
again probably three fall into despair okay have you ever kissed someone of the same
00:59:23
sex yes i do it all the time once or twice no way or i love kissing people regardless of their sex third no way yeah you've never you've
00:59:31
tucked a dick but never before well why can't we make that the same thing they're not the same thing they're not the same thing i know you went to third
00:59:38
base instead of first then i was keeping somebody they're saying they're so sensual and they're they're saying
00:59:43
they're saying did you ever hit a single and you're like well i got a triple yeah that's not what the question is i would i think for yourself no no i i
00:59:51
want to answer the question all right you did never i only never you only like the opposite sex no
00:59:56
wait no we're on it we're on a new one we went forward okay if your partner offered you a threesome with someone of the same sex
01:00:02
you would feel excited about it be confused never or do it as long as do it because i don't care about the sex
01:00:08
of another person be confused but i would probably do it never i'm the i only like here's the
01:00:14
problem lila said it's a really good looking guy okay here's the problem with that there should be a fifth one in there but there's not
01:00:20
i i know but can i give you the fifth one yeah is i would do it just as long as i don't have to touch the guy
01:00:26
okay so i think that would be do it as i don't care about the sex of another person yeah but i think that that's you know i
01:00:32
mean that's not what the question that they're asking we're as close as we can get i think it's do it i think you would do it because you know i would go three
01:00:38
never yeah i don't i don't like that answer yeah yeah but i think but i think you're lying because you want to break the gay test
01:00:44
no i'm not trying to break it i'm trying to answer as honestly okay so what you said then as long as you don't have to touch the guy then that would be two
01:00:49
be confused but you'd probably do it okay go two that's right would you be comfortable with a gay
01:00:55
colleague flirting with you at work while i do this almost every week sure it's a lot of fun i guess so it
01:01:00
depends on the situation i would feel very awkward about it or it's never appropriate to flirt at work four never appropriate to float it's not
01:01:06
appropriate okay your friends decide to go to a party at a gay bar you would feel like you're going home let's party
01:01:13
uh get excited to go check out a new venue feel threatened or uncomfortable or get secretly excited as you always wanted to check out a game second
01:01:19
get excited to check out a new venue yeah yeah i like new things yeah you're 54 straight 45
01:01:26
by that's right on the line kid right down the line wow i'm 54
01:01:33
straight so i mean that and that's yeah one of those questions let me tell
01:01:38
you something you could read it you can read it that way yeah one of those questions though because you're reading a glass half empty
01:01:43
if you read a glass half fullest i'm 45 bi or gay that's a lot to buy gay that's
01:01:50
almost half of you is my day yeah yeah so yeah huh
01:01:55
i want to vote let the fans vote yeah yeah let the fans vote because you know this is as close as we're going
01:02:01
to get to accuracy yeah but let me just look can i do my final
01:02:06
let me have a final say here final plea for your sexuality no no i'm not pleading for anything i'm accepting what
01:02:11
are the although one of the questions i was coerced into doing you weren't coerced i think you were trying to lie your way
01:02:16
out of it i wasn't laying why i wasn't i was being coerced in it i think that you know i mean the one about me having
01:02:22
my [ __ ] the threesome the threesome was coerced it's only because because the answer wasn't there but the closest
01:02:28
i wouldn't want no there's i wouldn't do it i did i wouldn't want it the guy that
01:02:33
was jogging that you and rudy saw yeah but i don't want it he comes up to the car and goes bobby lee
01:02:39
no i wouldn't do it i wouldn't do it i wouldn't do it and he goes all i want so i think that i'm 25 no you're not the results are in
01:02:46
no because of that question anyway let me do my final 45 let me do my last defense the name of
01:02:52
this episode let me do my last defense yeah okay okay
01:02:59
my defense is this yeah is that um you know i was highly sexual as a kid
01:03:05
yeah you know and um from where i was raised the area that i was raised in right
01:03:11
it was 95 white yeah right san diego san diego from this
01:03:17
is the area the most white place in southern california so um and
01:03:22
it was you know you have to understand that i went to high school in the 80s right so the only you know asian
01:03:29
right now there are a lot of women that are being raised with you know all kinds of information out
01:03:36
there in terms of like what they can be what they're conditioned to think you know i mean because there's you know we have now k-pop and people
01:03:45
love you know bk what's up blm what what what what's up what bts
01:03:52
bts you know women young you know i mean white american girls like bts right and
01:03:59
um because of the internet and whatnot right they're just exposed to all kinds of things right sure but back when i grew up they didn't have
01:04:05
that right so it's like when they would look at an asian guy especially white chicks right there were just no sexual feelings
01:04:13
toward them plus i'm not like a bts looking one i'm more mr miyagi
01:04:18
yeah like smaller right i am i'm more mr miyagi right i'm smaller i look like i'm
01:04:24
good at clipping you know trees bonsai trees or whatever their sushi your panda express yeah
01:04:31
again okay yes i had to i'll i'll absorb that okay so you know so imagine being highly
01:04:38
sexual so it's like i remember like going to my friend's house my friend allen meadows for instance right i know that his dad had a lot of
01:04:44
pornography so i used to go over there right and go hey god let's look in your parents room because they're at work you know and try
01:04:50
to find pornography and i would take one of his magazines that would drug off to whatever right they were never male ones
01:04:55
right i was you know and in high school no one really i wanted a you know mean hook up but i was highly sexual right so
01:05:01
you know i also was on drugs and stuff and whatnot i used to get drunk a lot and drugs so it's like the little gay you know i mean exposure
01:05:09
that i did or behavior right was um out of necessity you know just because just
01:05:14
wanting you know i mean some sort of connection with somebody sure not right until i became a stand-up
01:05:21
when i was 23 and i could just get regular chicks because i had confidence and talent and ability
01:05:28
and so it's like you know am i gay i don't think i am am i 45
01:05:33
bisexual i don't think that i am i think so and um and i think that uh so
01:05:40
if you're saying you're not gay for the sake of your father no i'm not i don't give a [ __ ] why would i care
01:05:46
he's not around anymore i understand him i don't care he can't i don't give a [ __ ] i'm out
01:05:51
about everything i'm the most honest podcaster out there i know but why are you yelling then
01:05:57
i don't know why for entertainment no i know but you know what it really is what look at me yeah shut the [ __ ] up
01:06:05
look at me shut the [ __ ] up bobby look at that shut the [ __ ] up dude bobby yeah yeah
01:06:11
you're gay [Laughter] yeah i look i have a lot of gay friends
01:06:18
and i would love to add you i have a lot of i have a lot of gay friends i want to add you to that list fine i was coerced i'm 25 20 you're 45
01:06:28
rudy what's how much how much how much is he 50 50 you think that i'm 50
01:06:35
bisexual yeah she does yeah she called it from the jump yeah yeah i shot another commercial can i show you
01:06:40
a commercial sure show them the commercial that i shot a beer commercial
01:06:47
when i played baseball i could hit the ball halfway to china so i figured i could do the same thing with a golf ball no way
01:06:55
but after digging up some turf there's nothing we like better than cold miller life it's less filling and it's got that
01:07:01
big taste as hackers appreciate where'd that go [Applause] [Music]
01:07:08
no matter where you play i shot that commercial a couple of months ago for miller light i hit the
01:07:15
ball all the way to china it's at my point that's my point because i know back then
01:07:21
yeah that was cool if i was an actor yeah you would have done that would been the part that's the only part i know available to
01:07:27
me oh i don't know what to do what happened imagine going to juilliard
01:07:33
yeah where you're an asian actor and the next thing you're not i don't know i don't know what happened why is the ball coming nowhere but you know yeah i mean
01:07:40
and then all of a sudden that's it you got paid so if i was like like you weren't let's
01:07:45
say i was uh i understand why that's not appropriate i work at an ad agency you're my boss yeah right and i give you the script
01:07:51
for that yeah so basically it's it's like you know three white guys and a black guy yeah
01:07:56
they're playing golf that is by the way that's i'm blown away that as as racist as the commercial was
01:08:02
i can't believe they added a black guy to the group yeah because this is pre-tiger woods right right yeah yeah like this commercial is like it's like let's be
01:08:08
racist against agents but we do want a black guy right right go all the way so anyway so here's the
01:08:14
script and it's they're playing golf and he goes you know i i'm so strong i can hit a ball to china you should be
01:08:20
able to hit a ball halfway to china right so he drinks a beer the way halfway to china would be the ocean go
01:08:25
ahead yeah he drinks a beer and then he hits the ball all the way to china no no no check it out yeah but then you
01:08:32
cut to the ball landing in china on a golf course oh i love it and then you have
01:08:38
four chinese monks they're not monks they're just in like uh they look like they're
01:08:43
they belong in mortal kombat yeah i mean you know that you know i did say it was sub-zero was that true yeah
01:08:49
yeah yeah and um they they get confused they have the accent obviously that's what's funny about it
01:08:56
what is going on here right yeah i mean right and what do you think of that let's put it on the air let's do it yeah i think it sounds good
01:09:03
that but that's i get look as that i'm using that as an example of why it's a coincidence that you talked about
01:09:09
not doing the asian accent i get it look i get that that's absurd yeah it's when you i get it but it's
01:09:15
it's back to the coronavirus the kung flu [ __ ] that you know i mean people were saying and stuff like that
01:09:20
but that was funny i know but now you can flew we could see the real consequences yeah it was a real thing
01:09:26
of old korean people asian people yeah are getting beat down in the middle of you know in during broad daylight but
01:09:31
you should just but but as a korean you should just tell them if a bunch of thugs are like hey china boy just be like i'm korean
01:09:38
they'll leave you alone can we live in a world though that that that that just doesn't come up of course not
01:09:44
of course not why you're never going to get rid of racism that's insane
01:09:49
i know it's funny country was founded on because i you know i remember last episode i talked about watching ken
01:09:55
burns vietnam right he taught me a lot but now i'm watching the civil war oh but so far boring
01:10:04
wasn't fun huh first of all right yeah the music well there was no good music
01:10:13
that was the music right right and it's like there's nobody that they could document interview that was
01:10:20
actually there well they didn't let black people make music back then so you're not going to have any good music yet
01:10:25
that's what i was thinking that's the point let's check it out you know like you know we
01:10:32
we have deep philosophical type figures like james baldwin back in the 60s and 70s right just a
01:10:38
brilliant rider right you have like you know black people obviously are so talented
01:10:45
on every in every area okay right so you imagine though when you're watching this
01:10:51
a civil war documentary of how many of those people that were slaves that were actually geniuses
01:10:56
that never got a chance to show they've never had the opportunity you know to show off you know i mean who
01:11:03
they are and what they are right that's the [ __ ] crazy part well then they got then then that's why
01:11:09
the war was fought over that being part of the biggest yeah but they could we could have lost it
01:11:15
that's what's crazy about it well we didn't i know but my point though is that if we lost it you're saying what would the world be like now would
01:11:21
america be like yeah and also you look at so during the insurrection january 6th some [ __ ] guy had a confederate flag
01:11:28
just walking around the capitol inside you know yeah and you didn't realize how
01:11:34
absolutely [ __ ] insulting that is and people still think that way sure
01:11:40
right and it's like you're never going to get rid of it it's so sad i know but let's look at it like this if
01:11:46
we're being serious yeah i'm trying on the scale of racists right yeah we're good
01:11:52
america's good everywhere is racist i we have this weird idea that we're the
01:11:57
only country that's racist i told a joke in my special about in costa rica
01:12:03
i saw them beating a guy in the street yeah i asked why yeah and the guy said because he's pet from panama
01:12:09
yeah they don't like him they don't like him and his collection of friends that come over here people are racist all over the how do
01:12:15
you like do the japanese like chinese or the koreans do you guys like each other now yeah nah
01:12:21
no yeah now here in america but a japanese mainland a man that's born
01:12:26
and raised in japan right now they don't like the chinese every the whole world is racist my
01:12:32
friend we're not the only ones everyone is racist everyone is racist
01:12:37
but i think to get through it though we're just we're just good we're good we're an alien we show it off if we had an alien innovation i think
01:12:43
that would unite us do you yeah because it's like if if this
01:12:49
like like independence day right if this gigantic alien race came and
01:12:54
they were going to devastate our planet we would have to unify and then i think that we would get through so you think
01:13:00
we'd come together i think also it's like um there was a lot of like the vietnam war right there was a lot of um
01:13:07
you know white kids from the suburbs or the midwest that never grew up with black eyes right sure but because
01:13:14
they were now sent right onto the battlefield right they were brothers they they would you
01:13:21
know if one died they would carry their body [ __ ] you know thousands of [ __ ] feet
01:13:26
right to get them into a helicopter i mean they would risk their own lives just to save their fellow americans my
01:13:32
point is is that we should all be in the army no my point is is that we i think that we need some sort of outside
01:13:38
you know what i mean element to unite us well so you want to get invaded yeah so
01:13:46
aliens should invade us and i think we'll come together you would devastate probably most of the planet but the ones that survived i
01:13:51
think you know would be because we came together over race i don't know how funny that's not funny it's just no it's very it's very real
01:13:59
do you are you racist at all rudy oh no at all that sounded really the hesitancy
01:14:04
was huge no but um oh here's the butt there's always always i don't i don't i don't um
01:14:13
it's my own skin that i don't like no it's not so sad what do you mean you don't like
01:14:19
your own skin no cause like when i lived in the philippines filipinos hate on other filipinos because their
01:14:25
skin is darker racism see so they use like whitening products and everything right you want to be they
01:14:32
want more light skin yeah do what what what who is who are the philippines who are people in the philippines races towards
01:14:39
themselves and outside of that who else though nobody nobody yeah well it doesn't it's
01:14:46
islands so you know they're all out there that is an interesting thing about like you know
01:14:51
wanting to lighten up your skin yeah yeah bleaching one's skin yeah i mean that's but that's a big deal
01:14:57
in many brown cultures right that's like a common theme and
01:15:02
look at andres yep andre says a light-skinned latin person yeah right yeah he thinks and he said
01:15:09
this to me he's better than dark-skinned latin people isn't that right andre's that's right see
01:15:18
because he has lighter skin he thinks he's superior yeah wow that's real isn't it andres
01:15:25
yeah so andreas when you're like if people if like a you know let's say just some
01:15:31
southern white guy looked at you and go you [ __ ] mexican [ __ ] or whatever you might say that's how they say hello you're
01:15:37
right would you be offended by that of course but you but you tell him i'm not yeah
01:15:43
i'm spanish and then you'd they'd be like oh my bad you'd say what i flew here i didn't
01:15:49
wet my back whoa that's a good comeback i flew here first class what if the
01:15:55
plane was warm what did he say oh i didn't hear what he
01:16:00
said did i repeat what he said sure what'd he say so he did a stock 1950s vaudeville
01:16:08
george yeah yeah i mean i flew here boy are my arms tired is what he [ __ ]
01:16:14
just said so going back to king of the nerd type of [ __ ] yeah yeah it's not even though but
01:16:20
that but that reference though is so [ __ ] old it's so annoying it's like you know when standups go you
01:16:26
know what i mean don't bother me when i'm working i don't go to your job and smack the dick out of your head yeah whatever you know right
01:16:32
it's like that [ __ ] hack you know i'm available for children's parties try the veal yeah
01:16:38
yeah you know what we when we do a bad friend's tour i want i want george to come open for us oh he has to emcee yeah
01:16:45
yeah can you do 15 george
01:16:52
we should we should also get right jules write her a one minute bit yeah you have to come we already talked about this you have to come along yeah
01:16:58
would you do would you do performer for how many people do you think we can get in a theater couple thousand two a couple thousand
01:17:03
right so would you perform it for a couple thousand people one minute no you could do one minute
01:17:09
you gotta do more than one minute one minute is so fast yeah yeah so fast for three three he's good three
01:17:14
minutes ago that's a solid amount do you have a joke lined up right now jules when you're bombing three minutes
01:17:21
is an eternity yeah it's like an hour yeah yeah it is you're just in a sea of sadness it's
01:17:27
shocking how scary it is when you when you when you're bombing it's like when it's silent and you know
01:17:33
you're bombing and they hate you it's the worst and you still have to finish oh yeah i mean i can't wait for
01:17:39
you to go through that yeah what would you do um
01:17:44
cry and then run away no no no no they'll love you no they're gonna love you rudy's got some
01:17:50
songs but you have a presentation today yeah i'm excited but can get this
01:18:02
oh yeah it's time to straighten [Music]
01:18:10
out [Music]
01:18:22
this is good a message to [Music]
01:18:32
fans i wanted to recreate because we legally can't play any song on here because youtube bans us
01:18:38
so the song rudy that's a good rudy let's hear the other one a little bit [Music]
01:18:50
rudy [Music] i wish your heart would meld with mine
01:18:57
times i can't breathe original no yeah this is an original but i think of you on
01:19:03
[Music] i'll leave you online midnight because
01:19:09
red and dead asians make a man leave your sight i'll still be with you just
01:19:14
away from those kids we can get boba or some other cool [ __ ]
01:19:20
rudy [Music]
01:19:27
this is [Music]
01:19:35
and good you really stab me then i promise
01:19:41
that's good
01:19:52
[Music] [Applause] really good song this is this is really
01:19:57
good i like that song the first one was good too shout out to that original but this is an original this is his song yeah hey it's your
01:20:02
boise nasty uh oh here comes c nasty you're gonna be able to actually understand the words in this song okay
01:20:10
watching my favorite podcast about two friends are bad got this tiny little asian man and a
01:20:16
ginger always mad then one day up on my screen i see something new
01:20:21
oh my god who is this who is she so damn cute her name's rudy and she's a cutie very
01:20:28
very shy [Music]
01:20:42
[Music] anybody making pretty good that's pretty good
01:20:48
pretty good a little too aggressive for me okay rudy has a presentation let's hear the this is good because now you're going
01:20:53
back to school so we want to make sure that you're uh you know that you're ready for school stuff
01:20:58
yeah um since i forgot what show titu bobby was in i wanted to apologize
01:21:04
and be the better person so i'm gonna have a presentation and be right great
01:21:11
background of mad tv mad tv mad tv was an american sketch comedy television
01:21:17
series and first premiered on october 14 1995. wow the hour the one hour show first ran
01:21:24
on saturday night at 11 pm on fox it's rival was a
01:21:29
saturday saturday night live one of those is still around yes mad tv was pre-taped and consists of
01:21:36
sketches cartoon shorts and musical performances the show went for 14 seasons
01:21:42
and won 12 awards including seven emmys did you ever get an emmy no no that's the beginning bummer
01:21:49
the key cast members are like the important the most important people yeah the most successful yeah we're ike baron holt
01:21:58
yep deborah wilson nicole sullivan yeah airy spears yeah will sasso yeah
01:22:04
phil lamore yo yeah yeah alex bernstein yeah yes michael mcdonald yeah or jordan p
01:22:11
that's it all right good next slide next slide yeah what about you again next slide nobody nobody else that's it
01:22:18
couriers mad tv was a top sketch comedy show and it helped launch careers for a lot of people that we know are really
01:22:24
famous today like artie lange michael mcdonald alex bernstein keegan michael key he was
01:22:30
in lion king the live action toy story 4 and also the host of game on wow
01:22:35
and jordan peele wow who also won those guys did a lot of great stuff all right next slide and then
01:22:43
there was bobby lee first and only asian cast member dc comics owned by mad tv parent company
01:22:49
warner brothers is run by chief creative officer and famous comic book illustrator jim lee
01:22:54
who was also bobby's cousin interesting connie chung is his most famous character because during the show
01:23:01
he [ __ ] in his pantyhose timeout jim lee is your cousin no i don't know
01:23:08
no jim lee wow flyer next slide liar we see how you got the job and of the end of mad tv mad tv had a
01:23:16
long complicated history of fox and because of that fox reportedly
01:23:21
decided not to renew mad tv when production costs became too high given the show's low ratings
01:23:27
4.5 out of 10. ended may 16 2009 and as a result mad tv
01:23:33
never escaped the shadow of snl
01:23:38
that's the funniest [ __ ] i've ever [ __ ] she gives the four on the imdb rating
01:23:45
yeah yeah unfortunately he never escaped the shadow on saturday night live yeah
01:23:51
that's all devastating you were there for when it mattered baby no was i was in the last of it now the
01:23:57
last of it was very recently they just did a season like two years ago oh yeah that was that you were in the heart you were in the heart of it
01:24:03
i was in the heart of it yeah they did it now they did it i know i did it with comics that we know and i was on it would you do a cameo or
01:24:09
something i did three episodes did you really yeah i didn't know that i did one where ike um
01:24:15
he's revisiting the new matt tv set mm-hmm this is so embarrassing and he was
01:24:20
looking through the dressing rooms the same dressing rooms and i was still living in the closet but i was like a caveman
01:24:26
that's fine i think i jump out of a hole like i've been here since you know what
01:24:31
i mean well the sketch is good on the new show because we know guys on it adam and and and amir amir yeah
01:24:37
i thought it wasn't going to work but um because it's complicated it was still um fun to do to see
01:24:44
everyone you know that's nice same producers and you know anyway um what a i'm not gay but
01:24:51
right so that that's what we came to you're gay i'm 45 bisexual you're gay it was still a fun episode to do great episode and the fans
01:24:58
will decide and fans will decide thank you for being a bad friend
01:25:12
[Music]
01:25:26
bye
