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[Music] what do we have on june 28th we're doing a live feed we're doing a live show yeah from moment house is presenting it well
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that's right we've never done this a live stream show before yep it's gonna last much longer than a regular show how
00:00:12
long we have guests it's about 17 hours yeah yeah yeah we have guests we have huge surprises huge surprises yep so
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sign up and get those tickets for moment house and the link is in the description below in the bio momenthouse.com
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momenthouse.com bad friends i cannot wait i can't wait you two are bad friends who are these
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two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting
00:00:39
well you two or something we're bad friends he brought in a bunch of a bunch of kids
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kids here's the problem right when they're not laughing or they're silenced it puts
00:00:50
extra pressure on big time he's telling him to shut up or they get kicked out of class yeah yeah if you don't shut up
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dude he makes these kids come to this uh he makes them come here otherwise they don't get credit do you know that
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i'm dead serious he makes the kids come here or they don't get credit and there's 15 kids out there yeah but they
00:01:08
don't vote one of them is a fan of ours you know the guy with the shirt the wrestling i walked in they were like who are you the janitor they thought of the
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janitor the guy that's wait wait you see what they said to doc is there somebody screaming
00:01:20
somebody's driving all my money so many drivers here it was bad very bad they thought he was a chauffeur
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no not the kid with a bad friend's shirt oh who's he just he just got free gear from this guy yeah he's a faker yeah
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he's phony yeah yeah who's that make the fan walk in here so i can see him so we can we're going where's the
00:01:36
real there's one real fan that's because look at the size of this kid yeah they all look like this stay
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right stay right there look at that look at this is all of our fans really borderline queuing on
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right are you he could be you think he's like a baby he's a truther maybe i'll tell you six three yes six three and
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you're what 185 no yeah 60. 160. yeah yeah dude this guy
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has the we gotta you know how long his penis is he how old is he he's 21. okay you know how long this piece is do i i
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got here early yeah yeah wow so he's the only one of the 15 kids that are sitting out there yeah i say kids they're going
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to rip his ankles apart one kick do you really think this guy would [ __ ] you up you're nuts yo do you
00:02:18
ever see [ __ ] enter the dragon when a bruce lee fight cream of dulce bar yeah it'd be like that you're not at the end
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i would win no you're not no it'd be like bobby lee you're fighting a young kid you're not like water i'm not like
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you're no you don't like like sand you know how bruce is like you have to
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be like water like i'm like you have to be like sand you know what you are you're like the
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stuff they put in those stress balls whatever's in there that's what you are yeah what's your name
00:02:45
ethan he's a handsome dude look at him of course he our is are handsome they're very handsome they're always handsome they're
00:02:52
all over the kid that um bringing the kid with the bad friend shirt well let's say thank you to ethan for being a bad friend so much thank you for being about
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friend bring in the game get with the bad friends shirt so we can call him out for being this guy right here poser not a fan
00:03:04
poser yeah you know who he's a fan of who michael lenocchi oh hilarious he doesn't know who that is yeah right
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yeah yeah you love what what's your what's your name aj aj he didn't sign up to be made fun of by the way oh i'm so
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sorry so say sorry i'm sorry i attacked you for no reason no apologies yeah yeah yeah yeah are you an american citizen
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so am i we have something in common well what i'm barely yeah yeah i'm getting my car next week where are you from aj uh
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massachusetts massachusetts austin uh north boston wow are you a funny guy because a lot of people from boston are
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fine okay that's a no but that was very funny that was funny yeah the way he did it was
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good yeah the response was funny yeah yeah had some good inflection in it no let me ask you something who gets more girls you or ethan i have a girlfriend
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oh you're the winner is she here right now okay take that ethan
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skinny [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah eat something yeah you've skinny [ __ ] yeah all right aj aj you're the man
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thank you aj yeah he brings these look at he brings these kids here can i ask you something yeah do you make them come
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or do you go hey um do you guys want a comment awful way to ask this question
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do you make these kids come yeah it's like isn't there all right there's got to be a million ways to ask you guys
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do you meet these kids um no don't start with that way do you oh how about this i got it right
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do you make these young adults come on right yeah
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that's legal do you make them come i do not they they they do it voluntarily they do voluntarily yeah yeah
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see if that holds up in court fancy yeah yeah so um do you but is it like a credit that they get or is that real
00:04:45
yeah they get a credit okay so francie's a teacher hey no i don't don't [ __ ] man i gotta
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you gotta plug me in what's going on i love you man why don't you inquire inquire yeah yeah what do you do
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what the [ __ ] why the kids
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i do teach a class uh doc oh you okay yeah i didn't know that [ __ ]
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yeah it's a school that this is the irony of this thing it's a school that actually is located in massachusetts
00:05:17
right in connecticut in connecticut what's a [ __ ] dude and then they come here every summer
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he's had kids come okay young adults and then he does a summer program with
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them where he forces them to come to things is it a film class it is what do you
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teach them it's an entertainment class like a little introduction to uh film
00:05:41
television pr marketing but do these let me bring in a random girl just rant let's
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get a girl in here and i want to ask them what their dream is and stuff like that we'll let pete pick somebody yeah pete someone pick somebody pete look at
00:05:51
it he just points yeah yeah you that one by the way in the meantime jules hmm oh
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[ __ ] hi hi you know we're gonna be in give it up let's give it up for carlos
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the greatest coffee god oh i wanted some milk jesus christ starbucks what's your name
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thank you hi come on in come on in don't be scared what's your name
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hi liz what do you want it to be when you grow up that's a very good question thank you for asking you're welcome and i have a
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very good question good stall something in tv i don't know like writing producing what wherever they'll take me
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like i like fake dreams like that because anything that was you that was me yeah anything that happens you go i
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made it you're in yeah yeah yeah yeah liz so what year are you senior i'm gonna be a senior okay right and next
00:06:39
year will be a senior year yeah so you're not are you you're not are you prepared for the real world a little bit like do you have something in mind that
00:06:45
you think you're gonna get into i don't even know i mean i'm doing an internship now so we'll see we'll see where that goes but cool do you think
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they should be miked or i think they should be mike if we're going to ask some questions doc swing
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the mic over hold on yeah okay we can't hear her yeah that's true yeah yeah poor
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doc well it doesn't come off yeah yeah just do that you know what this means to me and that i don't mind is that how much more
00:07:07
editing fancy has to do i actually kind of love it right so um where did you grow up new jersey oh okay
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is it you can get close to that you can get close to that yeah you can physically you can put your body closer not your head
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is it production or is it writing or production or production yeah well that's a pretty easy
00:07:27
job to get i think no it depends on what you want to do yeah i mean like what do you what do you really tell be honest what do you want to do
00:07:33
and by the way let's say this you can reach high me and this piece of [ __ ] our stand-up comedians
00:07:40
we both we both started at the bottom of our of our respective fields and i got to tell
00:07:45
you he'll probably admit this too i was so afraid to admit to people that i wanted to be a stand-up comedian for a
00:07:50
long time or an actor yeah because i was afraid of people being like you're never going to make it but isn't
00:07:55
that true yeah you didn't want you we always hit it because you're scared people are gonna make fun of you for it
00:08:01
but i gotta get to the tonight show five years in
00:08:06
jay leno fine where are you now doing bad friends
00:08:12
but you know can i say this is real um you should really reach i honestly i i
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don't believe that i don't believe that you mean that i this is what i believe no i was afraid to admit it i'm saying she probably has
00:08:23
the dream and she doesn't want to admit it to us yeah but internally we reach for the stars internally i envision everything the big
00:08:30
house right i'm there now whatever i have now i'm fine with it yeah me too everything that i envisioned you want
00:08:37
more you want more i know you want
00:08:43
one bedroom half bath and i'm comfortable with that no he's a six bed six bath he lives in the kitchen and his guest house is a four
00:08:49
bed four bath so my point is is please dream big what is okay so give us like the ultimate there's no rules
00:08:55
it can this the perfect scenario for you would be what no rules and don't think it's
00:09:01
too out of reach a talk show host talk soho see now she admitted that's cute
00:09:06
that's all she that's great that's all we needed was to practice that's great well then here's your host it's great here's liz liz what what's your last name
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we got yeah it's got to go no no
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no your name is just ippy ipp yeah yeah sure ladies and gentlemen ippy
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the liz hippy the liz happy the liz and you come out in a lizard suit yeah yeah yeah
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do lizards do that that'd be great but let me tell you something ip dog ippy is a dope name
00:09:38
uh but you cannot it liz it beluto i mean who's gonna imagine someone in the middle of america he's going what's on
00:09:44
at 5 30. liz pulo they're never gonna do they're never gonna remember that so if i was a
00:09:51
top talk show host it'd be nippy the [ __ ] [Laughter]
00:09:57
yes i know the um gen z people don't like that kind of humor no we don't like you know what we don't
00:10:02
like it either yeah we don't i don't like it i don't like it either so ippy liz uh i we wish you the best of luck
00:10:08
because i think you're going to kill it i think you're going to be a talk to your host america watch out for uh but if she uses that name we get royalty
00:10:14
kicks yeah yeah yeah yeah five percent [Music] uh and and whomever you talk you've got
00:10:21
to bring us on the show you know of course yeah at least for me on your show i'll have to bring it on mine god bless you i love it god bless
00:10:27
what what network would you prefer to be on i don't know nbc is pretty cool nbc nbc
00:10:32
is pretty cool it is great i have a deal there do you yeah yeah it'll fall through liz
00:10:38
thank you so much liz let's go for liz thank you you're you're the best if he's the [ __ ] he's the [ __ ] we like
00:10:44
we like ippy we like aj we like ethan yeah and we only got to hear one of the three which is good you can
00:10:50
bring your mic back my friend well hold on let the kid let the boys do it in the meantime let's talk to you you
00:10:56
little scumbag all right so i have a little um uh jules update if i may
00:11:01
she's in a committed relationship are you serious you got a [ __ ] boyfriend give
00:11:08
her a round of applause she's got a boyfriend everybody this is a committed relationship and it's wonderful i'm so proud of you
00:11:14
who is this guy let's bring up a photo of him no no let's bring up a photo let's do it first of all number one he
00:11:20
has an instagram he posts no photos well okay can we please see it but we won't show it to the audience but we'll
00:11:25
just show it to us in here he does she doesn't have i've never seen him you've seen him yeah but it's always
00:11:31
blurry and he's from afar and i don't take pictures of us all right relax relax [ __ ]
00:11:39
[ __ ] dude isn't this crazy she's 20 years old right yeah everyone in that room is the exact same age yet these
00:11:45
they seemed together mature sweet thoughtful this is true americans true
00:11:50
americans in another world i'm not i'm an american oh the nose comes out the truth comes up
00:11:57
yeah so wait a minute you fell in love no no you fell in like
00:12:03
like you fell in like but i asked her because she's going to the philippines saturday for two weeks you know that right through i know and you might not
00:12:08
come back yeah well we're gonna call it i'll come back you don't know i might close the border yeah
00:12:14
what if donald trump's like philippines got to close up what if he pops back up and wants to close him down
00:12:19
um he could get it done of all people that could get it done out of office it'd be him i'll just i don't know do it illegally
00:12:26
good girl but i have a good girl that's the american way she's going to miss her boyfriend more than me and kalila
00:12:32
no i said at kalila and him equally but you know
00:12:39
well let's be honest here auntie kalala is her blood sure
00:12:45
and the man that she is gonna miss yeah is somebody that she's dating
00:12:50
are you trying to date your niece no may i say something go ahead okay so let me ask you something
00:12:56
have you seen my house yeah dude i've been to your house you've been in my house okay so if you were
00:13:01
gonna rent a room at my house how much do you think that would cost am i comedy or real real
00:13:09
a room there would be 1500 a month yeah 1500 a month right she's been there for three years
00:13:15
okay let's do the math do the math fifty four thousand fifty four thousand dollars right man not a dime did you
00:13:22
spend i love autistic pete what watch this no seriously watch this i'll show you something this is insane
00:13:28
yeah he knows how he can guess he knows the day of the week you know this you know this trick watch us watch us
00:13:33
um october 4th 1964. thursday dude what i'm gonna look it up right now
00:13:40
i'm gonna look it up right now i'm telling you he can do it he can really yes dude
00:13:47
go ahead i'll look it up while you're talking it's going to blow your mind dude no no hold on let me get this one first
00:13:54
1964 are you ready yeah this is going to blow this is literally going to blow your mind i said
00:14:00
what'd i say i said october what did i say 4th 1964. no october what did i say 14th right or would i say 8th what'd i
00:14:07
say october 4th 1964. yeah what did you say thursday
00:14:18
it's just a couple days off all right i was close though right you were close you were thinking you're
00:14:23
within seven days for sure yeah it's uh it's not a talent it's a sunday
00:14:39
uh i'll give you a date a date i'll give you is um march
00:14:44
uh march 5th 1977 march tuesday march 5th
00:14:50
tuesday my friend march 5th 1977 yeah march 5th
00:14:56
1977 holy [ __ ] what is it it's a saturday
00:15:01
so so we have the same ability we have the same ability yeah yeah yeah pete you really let me down yeah uh no that's
00:15:08
from no don't you know some kids that have aspergers are able to do that they're able to just guess it's
00:15:14
unbelievable well there is a guy that got hit in the head you know um and he has uh that ability yeah and every date
00:15:21
throughout the history of time you can tell you the day i know you know marwyn call you heard about that right they made a movie yeah steve krell did a
00:15:27
movie about it there was a guy that got that yeah i know that he made the little little toys
00:15:32
yeah little toys yeah yeah marwan calls it was just such a it was a little documentary then they made it into feature films let's go back you're
00:15:37
dating a guy and what's his name i hate his name oh god rudy why so mean it god's so mean
00:15:44
you should yeah it's it's fine man you're such a good partner
00:15:50
you hate his name yeah where where is he from santa clarita santa clara so he's
00:15:56
from here he's from los angeles southern california he's also um filipino oh got one of your own
00:16:02
yeah that's good chiseled phase very handsome good looking kid good looking kid comes from good stock has even met
00:16:07
his parents no because his fair his parents are scary because they're filipino right so
00:16:12
but you're used to all that yeah but i'm still scared okay okay can i have an announcement to
00:16:17
make santa clarita i have an announcement to make please last night i saw a movie it was one of the best movies i've seen
00:16:24
in 10 years you mocking me no are you blocking me no
00:16:30
[Music] [ __ ] top gun maverick can you do the
00:16:36
theme song again [Music]
00:16:44
there it is [Music] the [ __ ] best move i've seen in like 10 years man yeah i can't wait to go see
00:16:50
it i'm so excited it was so good so i'm going with a friend but we promised we'd wait to go with them when we get back
00:16:55
from hawaii and then there's this beach scene where all the dudes have their shirts off and they're playing football
00:17:01
i could have jerked off in the theater man i'm not gay though yeah but it was glistening their bodies
00:17:07
were gliss that when he was going oh like that i want to stick my dick right in his mouth
00:17:12
have you won a great movie you've seen the original right hated it really did not like it why
00:17:19
as a kid i watched it because when you're watching the planes fly you i couldn't figure out who was in what plane what was really going on you know
00:17:25
yeah but with this movie oh i could see how that'd be confusing who's in what plane what's going on
00:17:33
but in this movie you know who's in what plane and what's going on and i i believe because it's like they have the
00:17:38
technology don't make fun of me man come on man that's the whole show exactly so i'll keep going
00:17:45
they have the technology where the cameras are in the the cockpit were they in the cockpits last time yeah but this
00:17:50
time but tom was flying these planes for real yeah it was just amazing you don't know this the pacing this [ __ ]
00:17:57
has six you can look it up how many licenses he has he can he can fly almost any
00:18:02
airborne motorized vehicle like helicopters different levels of planes
00:18:08
this [ __ ] and spaceships to see xeno did you do you know this story he asked nasa that he wanted to make a
00:18:13
movie about nasa and he said he said we'll do all this and have funding for nasa
00:18:19
you have to let me walk outside of the space shuttle when we go up there and they were like nah i don't think so let
00:18:25
me walk out he wants to go outside of the shuttle in space i know oh he want to do a space wall
00:18:31
in the center with no suit probably thank you no no no he wants to go without a suit he wants to go without a suit
00:18:37
yeah no yeah you guys yes he wants to go outside of the shuttle which but do you think it might have to do with
00:18:42
scientology and that he wants like he has a spacecraft waiting for him like i want to go outside so i could get picked
00:18:48
up by my i see my xenu and the peeps whoa in the peeps yeah good band yeah yeah i got the
00:18:55
z and the liz xeno and the peeps not just conventional aircraft tom
00:19:00
cruise is a state trained to fly jet he's stay trained to fly jets uh he also
00:19:07
well skydiving diving scuba diving but i'm but where is it he's got motorcycles obviously he has boats jets
00:19:14
yeah anyway he's the [ __ ] best and the baby blood's got to be flowing lately because he looks what's a baby boy good he
00:19:21
drinks baby blood oh yeah oh tom hanks only does upper upper half
00:19:27
he'll drink arms baby but cruz will do the whole body he'll drink all the blood you know that's what happens to jules no in hollywood in
00:19:33
hollywood if you get famous enough yeah to stay relevant and young you have to drink baby blood they have to you
00:19:40
sacrifice a baby huh it's a ritual it's a ritual yeah bobby and i are pretty close we were
00:19:45
offered yeah i went i'm okay with the diet coke i said i'll take a diet coke
00:19:51
i prefer maybe maybe geriatric blood they had this 96 year old lady
00:19:56
and they were just clubbing her and then we put straws in her and we both sipped her right there let
00:20:02
me ask you something if that was a real thing if really if baby blood really made you look younger would you drink it
00:20:09
are you [ __ ] serious right now of course i would drink it of course if
00:20:14
it kills the baby though i live long right i'd have a tap
00:20:20
[Laughter]
00:20:31
in two days jules would you drink baby blood if it
00:20:36
made you younger or kept you young yeah and i'd eat their meat you would eat their meat because
00:20:42
they don't they don't waste anything they don't waste the baby yeah they eat the claw well you and i could finish the blood give her the meat yeah yeah yeah also
00:20:48
this is nuts i learned about this this weekend what steve fury you know you know fury my boy
00:20:53
you know about steven fury took him with me to go uh dude for me sometimes i know he told me we did a show in tahoe he
00:21:00
ripped it was great he was awesome and then he told me he was talking about this new gang that he had read or heard about that
00:21:07
this you won't believe this to get in the gang to get into the gang they have to fist
00:21:13
fight someone to the death and if if and when they beat them they must eat their heart out of their chest
00:21:20
look it up [ __ ] is that dude he was like he heard about it on a podcast or something on this but you're
00:21:25
losing members of your gang if you [ __ ] no no no these people these people are trying to get in the gang right so they have to fight anybody that
00:21:31
they get from the streets they ain't fighting somebody in the game look at this most beautiful they're both auditioning to be in the game doc right
00:21:37
they're not actually in the game oh both that's they're trying to get in how did you get in game boys how did you get that game
00:21:42
you weren't against the crack cause that's how i got this oh okay y'all got crack let's do it yeah
00:21:49
can you imagine that's all it took look at this blood pack the world's most brutal cartel force recruits to eat the hearts of rivals straight from their
00:21:55
chest in terrifying initiation is it is it a hispanic gang i just won't be
00:22:00
asking come on hey well i'm sorry carlos my bad andreas well it's certainly not a
00:22:06
spanish gang it's not from spain yeah yeah what would they do make clothes for each other
00:22:12
do you need more fashion yeah yeah no do you need more fashion it's a slap fight and then they dress each other yeah
00:22:18
whoever loses has to dress the other man for a week you know you have to [ __ ] pick out outfits for him
00:22:23
on it you know those times when you're so into what you're doing that you can't think about anything else andrew
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you see what i mean yeah no enthusiasm literally this
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billy eyelashes she's so [ __ ] talented so talented unbelievable yeah i watched the thing
00:25:28
with her in letterman it made me fall in love with her she's great i mean i already liked her but i was like she's
00:25:33
so lovable this [ __ ] kid and the hairy styles well i'm sick of his [ __ ] i have to fart go ahead and the mic
00:25:41
it's your mic are you serious yeah
00:25:47
wait a minute that's that was you good yeah really
00:25:52
not really [ __ ] not right
00:25:57
so we have a petition right now for rudy julianna kuhn to meet harry styles we we've they've organized the boys have
00:26:03
organized a petition for you to meet harry styles and we have to push us around the internet we have to have everyone sign this yeah so hopefully
00:26:10
harry gets no to this right is that the goal fans exactly well i have a connection right so
00:26:16
you know i did a game show called uh what was it called game on game on
00:26:21
i don't even know i was on a game show called game i was me rob gronkowski
00:26:26
serena venus williams venus and ian carmel right but i don't know
00:26:32
so ben winston was the producer great man you know ben james corden's producer yeah so james cordensburg ben but ben
00:26:39
discovered harry styles right and they're like really close he did discover him he discovered him because
00:26:44
ben used to produce x factor where harry was discovered right right that's right so i have ben's number and i have i text
00:26:51
him but i can't how do you get into like go hey my niece wants to be hairy can you hook that up
00:26:57
like that feels weird and gross they say i would do it like this okay hey b dog that's how you start it oh i hate b dog
00:27:03
hey b dog he'll love that can you write this down andreas yeah hey hey hey b dog two haze hey hey b dog hey hey baby let
00:27:10
me repeat it you know i'll write in my notes i'll write it and i'll paste it into it so here we go
00:27:16
so um hold on notes just give me a second notes here we go so here we go why don't you just let pete type it
00:27:22
he'll do it right up there no because i when i write it myself um i can memorize it better oh all right
00:27:27
so i go hey hey hey hey hey how about three hayes hey hey hey bee dog yeah yeah because that's like half fat hey
00:27:34
hey hey hey hey hey bee dog bee dog
00:27:40
hey hey are you chilling you chilling you're chilling yeah chilling you're chilling good or is chilling good not
00:27:47
good no yeah chilling yeah chilling yeah chilling and then just right that's cool yeah d with a d d-a-t-s that's cool
00:27:53
that's cool no no no l coup that's cool that's cool that's cool
00:27:58
i'm gonna put five uh o's
00:28:06
so i have six um we do have our resident culture critic i have six oh o's there so i take two
00:28:12
o's out i take two of them all right so that's cool yeah that's good yeah nice and quick so hey hey
00:28:20
hey [ __ ] wait b-dawg sorry b-dog hey sorry hey hey hey b-dog you're chilling
00:28:26
that cool that's with an ass oh
00:28:41
yeah uh
00:28:56
one letter scares [Applause]
00:29:07
my little niece lil niece my little niece kook my
00:29:13
my cuckoo little niece i don't know about cucumbers
00:29:18
yeah i i want an adjective in there though [ __ ] ass my [ __ ] has a little niece my [ __ ] has a little niece niece
00:29:23
yeah my [ __ ] ass little niece knees yeah my [ __ ] has a little niece niece trying to try and or finna find me yeah
00:29:30
fend the meat no no defend the meat no not finn fine no watch fen duh no no no that's not it it's finna fight
00:29:37
no but i'm doing it my way fender meat m-e-a-t okay defend the meat
00:29:42
yeah fendi meat is going to work send a meat yeah yeah h styles h styles fendi meech h-sty
00:29:50
i'm gonna and then i'm gonna put stye
00:29:58
if this [ __ ] doesn't know what you're talking about and respond positively yeah and he's not a great producer so may i may i go for it yeah
00:30:07
i'll stand i i think i literally [ __ ] my pants earlier yeah yeah
00:30:12
and guess who has to clean it yeah yeah i think though rudy yeah i can't stand something
00:30:18
yeah it doesn't go up yeah hey hey hey bee dog you're chilling that's
00:30:26
we'll start from the top wait you need something hey
00:30:31
you're chilling that ass i put ass that's cool oh that's
00:30:43
okay shut up man because i'm gonna text it i'm not gonna say it do i think this is what happens on set when you do stuff
00:30:55
yeah and yeah and they're like who knows dr ken who knows all right so hey hey hey dog
00:31:03
you're chilling that's cool neat and eway
00:31:09
right my [ __ ] knees in fender meat
00:31:14
eight-star what'd it do perfect all right dude he's going to love it
00:31:20
he's going to respond so positively today we're out of charisma this guy you're going to send that text within minutes
00:31:26
he's going to call yeah hey what's up he's like i've got you i've got a meeting already he's got his english yeah
00:31:33
so we're gonna get if let's just say this this text this gibberish goes through and ben is like okay i can link
00:31:40
it up would you leave your boyfriend yeah yeah that fast yeah so don't take too much weight i just need like a boxers or
00:31:47
like a brief from harry styles oh you want his underwear yeah not washed
00:31:52
after after maybe like a concert after show a tour yeah so it's just like kind of musty what if every day on tour he
00:31:59
wore this show underwear and took it off and never watched it then put it on for every show you want that kind of underwear and then what would you do
00:32:05
with it i'll just smell it every night that's insane
00:32:11
okay so there's about five or six women in the room over there right there's girls in the room over there so girls uh
00:32:17
you could just yell yes or no is this something you also want to do
00:32:26
yeah yeah sure bring better kids next time the other night i was at the store
00:32:31
i was in the main room performing and and so i go um
00:32:37
i was doing this physical bit right yeah there was a guy in the front row and he wasn't laughing right uh-oh and i go
00:32:43
what bro that [ __ ] wasn't funny to you and he goes i'm blind
00:32:49
oh no right and i go well then see better or i just said something right
00:32:54
and i just lost the audience yeah i think if you make fun of a blind guy but i didn't know he didn't have a thing or
00:33:00
nothing have you ever had that like are you [ __ ] up like with an audience member or no i've actually had i had a
00:33:05
train i had a um a signer um because i've had deaf people at shows before and i once i saw who where the deaf
00:33:13
person was yeah i couldn't stop looking at him like i just i wanted i wanted to
00:33:18
see because okay i'm the deaf guy right and you're this is the audience i'm off to the side no they're in the audience i know but i'm just saying but i could
00:33:24
tell who should decide who the joker but then keep looking at me all right yeah but don't laugh all right don't you wish
00:33:32
don't you wish they remade uh american films in asia i'm doing your bit
00:33:39
um you know like uh uh like um braveheart don't don't do my joke man
00:33:46
don't do my job don't go too much
00:33:52
i just kept going i kept going like this everything yeah yeah i kept looking over because i wanted to see
00:33:57
if he was enjoying it yeah and he was but it was in my mind because they're
00:34:02
good the signers are amazing yeah they're amazing they are amazing but i was also like
00:34:07
is this getting is there anything that she's not gonna get that do you know what i'm saying yeah she's not doing the
00:34:13
translating that [ __ ] well she was killing it she was like your face was wild it's amazing i have a friend that does a cat brewer she did a documentary
00:34:19
about it but it was like i kept i couldn't stop once i saw i was like that's he's right there yeah i couldn't
00:34:26
stop staring at him i was fascinated one time i was in um indiana with paulie shore
00:34:33
and a mother came up to me in my face she goes my son has down syndrome
00:34:38
yeah yeah and you're like same yeah yeah i'd love to me because i did a bit about
00:34:45
it right yeah and it was just like you know off-putting what was the bit [Laughter]
00:34:50
was the bit off-putting well the bit was like you know what's up with people with down syndrome all right thank you good
00:34:56
night indiana that's it no the bit was um you know immigrants my dad doesn't
00:35:02
you know immigrants they don't have a filter right like they just whatever they whatever they think they say so i was
00:35:08
dating this girl i go this is my girl uh my girlfriend kathy wherever he goes when bobby was eight he was molested by
00:35:13
a guy with down syndrome right right i'm like okay thinks about dad and then taking the girl away but
00:35:20
it's true it is a true joke right i was molested by a guy with down syndrome when i was a kid so true's the true
00:35:25
truth but then she got so angry maybe she was also molested by somebody you think that's what the thing is do
00:35:31
you think they did so she was a liar song wasn't maybe had down syndrome right maybe her son yes may what if her
00:35:38
son was the guy that molested you and you're out there spreading his skies
00:35:44
right and just to protect her molesting son oh i see that's a good mother yeah what
00:35:49
can you say what a great mother what a great mom you know rudy let's get back to you real fast okay
00:35:55
so this boy uh abraham that you're dating yeah he so
00:36:00
did you say i want to make it official not me the the guy abraham
00:36:06
well your wife has his name that's not his name i know dude okay he said i want you to be
00:36:12
my girlfriend yeah formally like that yeah did you ever do that to a girl do you ever say will you be my girlfriend or was it kind of an assumption thing
00:36:17
all the time it just happens it was always an assumption was that always an assumption for you yeah yeah what about youtube
00:36:24
huh no i know but i've never said um will you be my girlfriend have you done that
00:36:30
fancy has done that you know he has have you done that of course he has look at him oh what a soft i've done it too you have yeah and have they said no yeah no
00:36:38
they said yes yes i got a lot of those i heard that often
00:36:44
because that moment of that because i wouldn't know what to do you couldn't handle the no yeah so here's this is
00:36:50
what i would do yeah i'm the girl what a lovely evening
00:36:55
yeah it's actually kind of nice i really appreciate you taking me out to this restaurant we've been here twice but thank you
00:37:00
i love how the sun beams are shining in my eyeballs and and the sunset i mean no that sunset
00:37:06
looks great and the sun yeah reflecting off your eyes are nice yeah it's beautiful i have little eyes
00:37:12
yeah like fyi you're totally little everything's everything's still about me yeah your body not my penis
00:37:25
i'm starving yeah yeah well i'm sorry this line at mcdonald's too long here's the chef yeah yeah
00:37:32
is that what you call the people that work in mcdonald's well you took me here yeah yeah it was gorgeous yeah yeah oh hi sir yeah so um
00:37:39
we'll have a number one i like the kids the kids meal happy meal the happy meal is what they
00:37:45
call the happy meal yeah the happy meal is there a toy yeah yeah i'll have a happy meal okay thank you
00:37:52
what would you like i'll just have a mcflurry that's it yeah yeah i heard you spin all
00:37:57
you wanted this is it's his money so just go you know what i'll take a mixed flurry too as well you won't yeah yeah
00:38:03
i'll take a number one then too yeah anyway you want to sit uh yeah
00:38:09
anyway um so we've been hanging out for the last eight years just about yeah but eight and a half
00:38:16
years right and we bet we better jiu-jitsu school yeah we did yeah gracie
00:38:21
at crazy jiu jitsu over there in glendale yep and wow you know it's can i say something for a girl
00:38:27
yeah you really know how to put somebody in a kumura in the best way thank you yeah it really hurts and i tap off
00:38:32
really quick yeah right right it's really cool you know and i know that you live with four guys
00:38:39
four guys yeah yeah and they're you're just friends we just added a fifth yeah yeah it's a one bedroom apartment
00:38:45
it's weird it's a studio yeah yeah yeah so four five guys now in a one bedroom yeah like the burger joint
00:38:51
like the burger go joy yeah they're really buff all of them are strong they're very strong they're all either competitive weight lifters or they all
00:38:57
own a crossfit gym right yeah and is it one of them like doing kind of light porn
00:39:03
um it's only fans oh is that what they call it yeah it's a holy family yeah it's only fantastic she showed me the photo a couple of weeks
00:39:09
ago very big penis yeah whose vagina was that in i think it was one of his friends oh
00:39:15
okay i mean i'm one of his friends but i don't think it was mine yeah it was one of his friends all right because you
00:39:20
have red hair and she had a red hair down there anyway yeah but they have a lot of redheaded friends that's true yep yeah probably anyway are you enjoying
00:39:26
your mcflurler
00:39:34
are you enjoying your mcflurry so much yeah mine too it's so crunchy that the bits
00:39:40
in it yeah there's cookie bread there's cookies
00:39:45
yeah right and it's crunchy oh yeah yeah anyway the happy meal is great no toy
00:39:50
didn't get a toy that's okay it's okay will you be able to [Laughter]
00:40:03
all of a sudden one of my roommates walks in all five of my roommates walks in yeah
00:40:08
three beautiful three beautiful big men yeah they pick me up and they just tag teaming right in front of you they're on
00:40:14
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00:40:21
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00:40:33
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00:42:35
yeah sorry i would say that that would really hurt if you got to know but you know it's funny because some of that's
00:42:41
true i asked a girl out i slid a note under her door at freshman year of uh college yeah
00:42:47
um i slid a note in her dorm i slid a note underneath yeah on my hallway and
00:42:52
then i saw the guy that she would later [ __ ] uh who became kind of a friend of mine later i saw them laughing at the note
00:42:59
no yeah that one hurt a lot yeah i'll one-up you because i
00:43:06
think i said real stupid [ __ ] in that [ __ ] note was it a it was a yes and no answer thing no no i just wrote like
00:43:13
a long like i just think you're so cool and beautiful and i love your style and
00:43:18
taste and music whatever the [ __ ] i said and i watched them laugh at the note oh i'm so sorry i also asked a girl in
00:43:25
high school uh to s uh spring spring or one of those things and and she said no
00:43:32
and i said oh do you already have a date and she said no but there is a guy i'm waiting that i really want to have asked to ask
00:43:38
me oh yeah it hurt it hurt yeah do you think that that has motivation to you
00:43:44
for you to do stand-up and all that stuff you use that as motivation no no it has nothing to do with anything
00:43:50
it's just it's awful you just you take the hit and you're bummed yeah and you're like well that's really [ __ ]
00:43:55
sad and you look at them differently you know you're like oh i guess you're better than me yeah and that's
00:44:01
okay you got to know your la where you are on the ladder is that what it is i'm not sh they were
00:44:07
probably better than me no yeah no no they probably were they were both probably better they were out of my league maybe because
00:44:13
when i worked at panicking i worked at a coffee shop called the panic in la jolla and there was this kid named ben who was
00:44:19
a little person yeah an el pizzle a little puzzle right and but he he was a little person but he
00:44:26
had tattoos which was cool they can't get tattoos yeah they only can get one yeah but it fills their whole body
00:44:33
yeah just give me a whole sleeve just one tattoo so um why did i why did i do the munchkin
00:44:39
i love it though brad williams one of our good friends yeah yeah yeah and he always got women
00:44:45
yeah right like he's always on dates with the hottest chicks yeah but was he good looking not really oh you're just
00:44:50
confident he's swinging right right and i remember go hey um ben how do you get so many girls hey lee he used to call me
00:44:56
lee which drove me crazy he looked up to me hilly right amanda at least i try wow you
00:45:02
don't try i go to bat buddy he does yeah and i learned something lower lower strike
00:45:08
zone but yeah he does so i'm going to say the most painful thing i was working at a restaurant and
00:45:14
there was a waitress there that i fell in love with and i hung out with her for two years but but secretly in love with her oh
00:45:22
like i would like go to coffee shops thinking knowing that she sometimes goes and just run into her so you would wait
00:45:28
for it i would spend eight ten hours at a coffee shop i wonder if she's gonna come in here so the new generation they
00:45:34
like the kids the gen they call it stalking yeah all right that's what they call that stopping that's a new yeah yeah stalking yeah yeah but it's okay
00:45:40
because then it was different we made it meeting
00:45:50
so one day she starts dating i found out that she starts dating another waiter from the restaurant [ __ ] right
00:45:56
and i'm devastated right is he hot well they got married he's pretty hot oh
00:46:01
no they have kids he was hot yeah he pretty much their kids hot very hot so this all worked out for them it worked
00:46:06
really good yeah and he has money oh well you you you have money yeah but it took me i'm 50
00:46:12
now you're 50 yeah so anyway so one day so one day i go hey
00:46:18
let's go to this party she goes i feel sick i'm not going to the party and i go okay i'm going to go i went to
00:46:23
the party i'm hanging out there's a lot of people there she's upstairs sucking some guy's dick in the bath
00:46:28
really so check it out right oh no yeah it gets worse so oh she's what she's here
00:46:34
she's not sick no she's upstairs in one of the rooms right so like an idiot i go
00:46:41
and i open the door oh no yeah and let me guess [ __ ] this guy she's [ __ ] a guy the
00:46:47
guy from the she's at a room at a party right [ __ ] you start [ __ ] them no no
00:46:54
like an idiot i just go in the room and just sit down you [ __ ] out yeah yeah and then they stop then they stop well
00:47:01
yeah and they're looking like what and i go oh sorry and i left and i went
00:47:06
across the street and i beat up a tree and i had blood all over my hands i was
00:47:12
beating up a tree damn it you know what i mean damn yeah he's crying too you mean oh lord i would
00:47:20
say lord yeah dang it whatever right and i remember
00:47:25
but then can you imagine they're done [ __ ] they're both smoking a cigarette and looking out the window like little korean guys beating up a tree again
00:47:33
you got it lee go get it buddy right so then i um but i remember i was probably
00:47:38
22 years old at the time and i remember going when i was being i i remember going if i don't do something
00:47:45
drastic with my life i'm never going to make it you'll be beating up trees forever
00:47:51
right so at 23 is when i started doing stand up i thought he was going to say he was like 14 but 20 to god damn so
00:47:57
that was that was the impetus for all this for stand up was this i think it was yeah i think it was the impetus of like i can't be doing this is weird well
00:48:03
thank god this girl left [ __ ] this guy in front and you beat up therese cause then you wouldn't be a good stand-up
00:48:09
don't you think that's kind of great yeah in retrospect yeah but you know poor tree poor tree what did i do
00:48:16
just because you have a little dick
00:48:22
have you ever had your heart broken rudy um just one time when i confess
00:48:28
to a great a guy that's a grade above me yeah and then you just laughed at me
00:48:36
laughed at you well what did you say how did you say it i'll be the guy go ahead i gave him just
00:48:43
reenact it there's a podcast all right look at me right we're going to teach you to be an actor all right so look at me right now and yeah i'm the guy what's
00:48:50
up is it in the philippines yeah what up
00:48:59
um this is for you this is a letter let me read this is chocolate
00:49:05
okay that's what he did kind of
00:49:11
oh that was a four-year-old what an [ __ ] where is he now i don't know i haven't talked probably who has a
00:49:17
hundred thousand followers on instagram yeah you do yeah [ __ ] you guys [ __ ] you guy [ __ ] how about you little man
00:49:23
well what happened to me
00:49:39
talking to her for about three four months on the phone straight back and forth i met her at a part right now that number would buy the party so she was
00:49:45
like finally she was like okay we ain't you we can get in here i was like getting okay so she asked me to come to
00:49:51
the hotel i get to the hotel and i'm ready and there's a guy waiting
00:49:56
by the door and so i walk up to the guy and i'm like what's up with you he said well i'm waiting on patrice and she in
00:50:03
there with another shoe and she told me to come here and i said what she told me to come here too i don't say
00:50:09
[ __ ] so like here i am don't [ __ ] laugh bro i'm not living
00:50:14
i'm not lying like i [ __ ] spent all this time like talking to this [ __ ] and she had
00:50:21
a dude inside [ __ ] and another dude waiting at the at the door until you had to wait for two guys
00:50:28
yeah you were last in line i was last in line nobody no you were the caboose you were asking this guy to come yeah first
00:50:34
guy yeah and i was like what the [ __ ] that was like the most bizarre [ __ ] that i've ever under wait i waited a little
00:50:40
while [Applause] i needed some goddamn answers yeah you
00:50:46
know what he was doing he was waiting for that second guy to maybe leave right because then he'd been like well you
00:50:51
know i am next was there anyone behind you no it's just
00:50:56
oh it's just us too but it was just like it's weird for her to do some [ __ ] like that no no that's really normal no
00:51:05
good time get the [ __ ] out of here because she's having sex with a guy and the guy's waiting outside yeah that's how pete met his wife
00:51:12
pete was hurt pete was first he was the one that waited he was the one that waited wait a minute though
00:51:18
so you talked to this guy and then you dipped out did you ever speak to her again did you say hey man yeah carter and then she said well you should have
00:51:24
just waited anyway like what you should have waited you should have waited why would i wait because what are you waiting for what
00:51:30
what first of all it was like a like at least a 25-minute drive to the
00:51:35
goddamn hotel well that's what i'm saying right you drove all that way yeah yeah you're tripping no no no listen
00:51:42
let's just talk this out don't get angry okay hear me out all right you spent all that money going over there right there's a
00:51:48
little line we went to magic mountain yeah we did we waited right and we waited on the ride yeah we did right what did we the most we waited what
00:51:55
six five seven six five six minutes we had a fast pass but if we didn't have the fast pass it would have been faster you should got
00:52:01
a fast pass
00:52:11
you know what you might have not been too tall enough to go on the ride
00:52:28
i know i talked to her i called her and when we talked on the phone like i said she told me that i should have waited and i'm saying after that no you didn't
00:52:35
continue cuz i don't play that [ __ ] it just was like what the [ __ ] why would you have me come all the way out there and you knew what the [ __ ] like to me
00:52:41
she just was just [ __ ] up in the head i've never had that happen no no that's crazy
00:52:46
that's great what else have you ever your heart broken again a year
00:52:53
damn dawg yeah really broken heart give me another one give me a heartbreaking story
00:53:00
okay so i was so i was [ __ ] this chick that had a boyfriend right
00:53:06
so she could start okay okay so now she breaks up with this dude yeah right
00:53:11
like can i guess why and then whatever so then she was like
00:53:17
i guess automatically assuming we were together so we did she did so then she thought we
00:53:24
were together and then one day when i after we had sex she starts crying on me right i'm like what the [ __ ] why are you
00:53:29
crying that's how you see us what the [ __ ] yeah why you be crying yeah what [ __ ] why are you crying what is it no
00:53:35
it's like are you sweetie why are you crying no man all right all right back then it was like what you crying
00:53:41
for was it 50s
00:53:47
i'll just get back in the kitchen there's no reason for her to cry all right so i said why are you crying and then
00:53:54
she goes well i hate to tell you this but last week i made him steak and went back and slept
00:54:00
with my ex-boyfriend so then i said that's cool cause last week i had slept with two other women so
00:54:06
we're even and then she's not even
00:54:13
sporting event if it's two against one if two one it's that somebody's winning yeah yeah it's not even right someone
00:54:20
has two goals yeah and then someone has one goal right right the person the team with two goals yeah they won
00:54:27
okay okay do you know how that works i knew how it worked but i'm just saying like to me we were even because to me we both
00:54:33
could have got aids you know what i'm saying you [ __ ] around you don't wait
00:54:49
why did you jump to aids
00:55:04
we could both get it doesn't matter you know what i'm saying is out there right and i was like you was [ __ ] with me
00:55:10
when you had a boyfriend so what the [ __ ] yeah he's not supposed to say this bro what this broke your heart this brother
00:55:16
broke my heart talking to me yeah and i was like
00:55:21
that's not a [ __ ] heartbreaking story dude yeah you you this is what we asked you
00:55:27
and you're like what do i what do i say here right you just [ __ ] pull out a random story from your past
00:55:35
don't just say that you don't have another [ __ ] story man i don't have like a brick heartbreak like like that
00:55:40
like what did you say that oh okay okay oh what but even that one
00:55:46
was that heartbreak that story he told which one when he walked in on a [ __ ] yeah that's heartbreaking that's not oh
00:55:51
no she wasn't someone i loved and i'm still friends with you i wasn't with y'all went together how do you love somebody you're
00:55:57
not will it's called unrequited love you never heard of that no you ever heard a fatal attraction that's what the [ __ ] that was you [ __ ] crazy
00:56:03
you were [ __ ] crazy beat up a tree yeah yeah you're right yeah you wouldn't even work what the [ __ ] is wrong with
00:56:09
you and then you sat there and watched them like some person i understand that i understand where i went wrong but
00:56:15
still it broke my heart what i'm saying is is that the story that you told it didn't really break your heart but i was
00:56:22
[ __ ] you wasn't yeah he was [ __ ] that's true that's just
00:56:27
at the end of the day he was so what you're saying to me is let me just ask i don't know why you're getting angry but let's just let's
00:56:33
pull back a little bit let me just say this okay so what you're saying to me is that um when you have feelings for
00:56:39
somebody there has to be sex yes no we're intense for the kind of feelings you're displaying punching
00:56:45
trees and [ __ ] who does that yeah but i hung out with her every single day like we really wanted to have you hung out
00:56:50
every single day for two years we took trips together well oh my god and i you know i mean i
00:56:56
just kind of fell in love with her bobby don't know this word what that word called you know huh simping got
00:57:01
themselves that's all he was right that's simple dude
00:57:07
i'm a simple you are a simple i'm a simple you be simple hard all right she knows what simp means
00:57:13
what does simp mean it's like you're crazy she sims for harry styles yeah that makes sense yeah
00:57:19
like you do anything for him for sympathy i'm a simp but it's for men men who are
00:57:24
seen as too atten uh too attentive and submissive to women especially out of a failed hope of winning some entitled
00:57:31
sexual attention oh they feel good so now i don't have to feel bad for your little heartbreak [ __ ]
00:57:51
i was simply hard but i did have feelings and did break my heart yeah it did it broke your little shirt yeah yeah so why is that i mean why can't both of
00:57:57
things be true it is they are true i'm yeah
00:58:03
i think he's so mean right now he's being mindy
00:58:12
i know man that's what it's nothing like you don't you didn't have anything yeah
00:58:17
well yeah but but there's something called unrequited love it's been in poetry
00:58:25
bobby i didn't know you were so that was so like great expectation like that's beautiful you ever seen greater
00:58:31
yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what he is yeah but he didn't [ __ ] ethan [ __ ]
00:58:45
so you understand that um i didn't have sex with a woman until i was 23.
00:58:52
until i started doing stand-ups sex with a guy before that i slept a couple of days
00:58:58
a little trial a little child right but i stuck three dicks right but in high school
00:59:05
don't count when you're a grown man yeah yeah but i was a kid right so um since i was and you know when i was in
00:59:12
high school i went to this thing there was thing called the sadie hawkins dance where the girl asked the guy i was never
00:59:17
asked right girls just didn't like me right and i and i always liked girls right and
00:59:22
i you know i would hang out with girls and i would like them hard and i was so scared of rejection right that i
00:59:29
would have feelings for somebody right but i wouldn't say anything because i was i didn't want to get my
00:59:36
heart broken yeah right because it's like like that same thing it's like do you like me no it would shatter me it
00:59:42
hurts it would shatter me so what i would do is i would just stay in these friendships right but have these
00:59:48
feelings uh-huh right and then they would see other guys it would break my heart that's all i'm saying i got two
00:59:53
more yeah go ahead i just thought of two fun ones yeah there was a girl that i had such a big crush on in college
00:59:59
and like i hung out with her friends and we were in like the group we were in like the same group and
01:00:04
when i finally had the time that we were going to hook up together i got so [ __ ] nervous because she was
01:00:10
like finally like down she was kind of like yeah i think yeah i think you're cute
01:00:15
like yeah okay i stayed late at their house i go into her room and then i went down on this girl
01:00:22
no less than a half an hour [Laughter] because i'm not kidding i was down there
01:00:29
i had done all the moves to get there and i was going down on her and i was so scared about coming back up because i
01:00:35
didn't know the next move i wanted to make yeah so i just stayed down there yeah even when i thought i thought
01:00:40
that's not a heartbreak story no no no you're eating [ __ ] yeah
01:00:47
poorly but that's not what we're doing talking about right now it's a great heartbreak all right well i
01:00:53
thought you said you had two more heartbreak stories but i went down on her for too long yeah and she tapped on me my head me head she kept on yeah yeah
01:01:00
at some point and she goes that's enough
01:01:06
like that stayed with me for a long time like a parent and i'm not kidding i got up and i laid next to her and she took
01:01:11
like a big breath and then went to the bathroom and then went back out to the party or i have another i have a story that hurts i have a story because i
01:01:17
really liked her life a lot where i [ __ ] up but not kalila but the girlfriend before
01:01:23
right and i feel so bad about this we were making having hooking up right
01:01:28
in the bed right and she takes my penis right and she kind of tries to do something maybe she saw a porn she's trying to do something right like what
01:01:34
the [ __ ] is that a joystick and she started to cry yeah and she had but she still had my
01:01:40
her hand on my penis yeah i mean i'm like why did i say that
01:01:46
what a scene yeah a woman crying you naked yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's like don't you know anyone well maybe she she
01:01:54
had that maybe what was it galactica she's playing galactica
01:02:02
yeah yeah no and then also yeah
01:02:08
and then uh do you have another awkward sex story no i had a yeah i was like my other one the go down one that was that one kind
01:02:14
of hurt me yeah emotionally that that stayed with me i'm not saying it was heartbreak it's just those kind of things i there was a girl that when i
01:02:21
first moved here when i first moved down here um i had met this girl and i oh my god i like literally fell i that
01:02:28
was the first time that i was like so fast i fell for somebody and i was like holy [ __ ] i think this girl's the best
01:02:33
we started hanging out and she had just broken up she had broken up with this other guy and we were hanging out and hanging out and then we were hooking up
01:02:40
and she was saying my name andrew a lot like a lot over and over yeah and i was like wow
01:02:47
and then the next day she admitted to me her ex-boyfriend's name was andrew
01:02:53
and that's part of the only reason why she slept with me was that
01:02:59
the name was andrew and she was like i did imagine you were him
01:03:05
because you have the same name ow yeah and then she said that's enough that's that'll do that'll do it that'll
01:03:11
do that'll do that'll do that'll do yeah yeah
01:03:21
i have an embarrassing story that's not sex related but with a girlfriend give it to me all right so
01:03:26
sarah my girl not the girl from before kalila but the co-worker before the last
01:03:31
girl sure right two go two go two goals two two
01:03:36
two two can we say tonight sarah i just said you know sarah said so you know sarah you know sarah know sir
01:03:43
yeah yeah you know she likes vintage [ __ ] yeah she's cool yeah she's like she likes vintage paintings vintage uh she
01:03:49
goes to the thrift store a lot right and it was christmas and her parents were in town and her parents came up to my house
01:03:56
you know i sleep in i don't give a [ __ ] about gifts or merry christmas but i realized that oh [ __ ] her parents are
01:04:02
coming over and i have to give sarah a gift right yeah so i found this like painting in my house that's really cool
01:04:08
and i wrapped it up right your own painting yeah it's a painting that i found at the thrift store right okay and i she they opened
01:04:16
the door this is when i was living above the comedy store when i lived in paulie's house above the comedy store and there her parents were and their
01:04:21
sarah was and i can merry christmas she opens it and she looks at and she goes she starts crying
01:04:27
she goes i gave you this last year for christmas oh my god you [ __ ] [ __ ] it was so
01:04:35
[ __ ] awkward and her parents are their parents they're
01:04:48
like and that's why i'm like way more mindful about that [ __ ] now that's why women don't like it that's why you don't
01:04:53
ever get people gifts that could be you don't get it i don't give a [ __ ] i went to renzo's uh party the other day
01:05:00
and i gave this is what i always do i shook his hand and there was 400 bucks in cash
01:05:05
you gave him 400. yeah that's all that that's that's a gift that everyone loves money
01:05:12
right yeah money is if would you rather have like if i found a vase a beautiful vase at like some china shop
01:05:19
or if i gave you cash what would you rather have i'll throw that [ __ ] out the window that vase yeah you should open the goddamn base get the [ __ ] out well
01:05:25
i'd be below the window cause i love a good vase are you mad are you mad at me now still no i never was
01:05:30
you could do man look at that face you throw that vase out the window i'm catching it i love me a good vase are
01:05:36
you being real yeah yeah for real we got vaz's all over my house yeah your your
01:05:41
wife has boxes you don't you know what i want a fabric i paid for them
01:05:47
i want a factory appreciate hey can we buy a faberge egg a bad friend's faberge egg a big one but those are [ __ ] they cost like 25 billion oh no
01:05:54
so what we can afford it i want a faberge we want a really nice one
01:06:00
give me a real one what's that one cost i saw one for six grand 33 million holy [ __ ] [ __ ] okay zoom
01:06:08
in let's see how pretty it is is it worth 33 mil oh yeah that yeah it is the one on the right oh yeah yeah yeah
01:06:14
look at how beautiful that is all rudy's thinking about is balut right now she's just thinking about there's a bird in there
01:06:22
is there a bird inside or harry styles underwear yeah harry's his stuff hairstyle is under his stuff would you
01:06:27
rather have a harry styles underwear or that [ __ ] vase underwear
01:06:34
how much do you think harry styles could sell his used underwear for online if he did for real for real five grand how much would you pay
01:06:42
five grand five grand like the ceiling what's the highest you'd pay if it was an auction i only have five grand
01:06:49
she was at five grand in the bank so you'd give your last dime yeah wow why
01:06:55
okay what about this what if we give you um somebody like doc's underwear but we say
01:07:01
it's harry styles and you smell it for a year would that be fun
01:07:07
you wouldn't know the [ __ ] difference you would never know inside you might i just feel like harry
01:07:13
harry's underwear would be would smell you think okay let me ask you something when he
01:07:20
comes do you think something different comes out than us yeah yeah what like some like i know what you tapioca
01:07:25
pudding yeah like it's sweet in some way no it's not it's just like ours it's not harry's
01:07:31
different he is oh you think he [ __ ] crystals or something yeah maybe he eats a lot of pineapples
01:07:37
yeah you know if you eat a lot of fruit your sperm okay yeah all right
01:07:43
so you think do you think he poos yeah but you think he poo's differently than us i think his poo is
01:07:50
it smells good it's definitely different than you what
01:07:55
well you know you why
01:08:00
just you know okay i'll get it i'll go with that it's just he's better than us a little bit a little bit all right so
01:08:05
his poo is a little healthier and it smells a little better i'll say this of all the heartbreak stories we told on
01:08:11
this show i kind of been mad that rudy doesn't have any so i'm hoping that abraham breaks her heart yeah a little bit
01:08:18
because you're also too cocky you want to get rid of him you don't even like this guy that much you don't like his name i just don't like his name but i
01:08:23
like him as a person as a human being yeah by the way i was in montreal and marin had talked about the leota episode
01:08:31
that he took took out from behind the paywall so he i recommend listening to that too because he like removed it for people to see for
01:08:37
free and of course you know marin some guy online was like way to post oh to get the attention on you when he dies he
01:08:43
was like i'm giving you a free episode i want you to be able to hear his [ __ ] interview uh and it's good she has no idea who he
01:08:50
is ray leota no yeah wow um uh chantix
01:08:58
chantix no okay not a smoker if you need to stop smoking with chantix yeah uh he did not yeah no he i he was awesome he
01:09:05
was incredible he was in a i i would say he's in two legendary movies feel the
01:09:11
dreams good fellas is probably good let's feel the dreams goodfellas got to be the most famous movie of her of his yeah but field of dreams
01:09:18
number two number two i think goodfellas is number one though i just gave you that man yeah thank you man i'd like to thank
01:09:25
all yeah yes i'd like to thank doc for getting so angry at me about me not [ __ ] girls and it's not
01:09:31
heartbreaking whatever right i absorbed it and i let it go okay and i love you so
01:09:38
much and let me tell you this quinnipiac university thank you so much for being here you guys you guys really are the
01:09:45
future there you go and and the count of three i want you
01:09:50
guys to yell in unison thank you for being a bad friend okay okay
01:09:55
one i bet you money there's no energy two three thank you for being a bad
01:10:03
very good that was very good [Music]
01:10:23
if i was a pharmacist i would be taking some so many pills that's why i'm taking that's right i mean i would take the fight
01:10:41
[Music] just a juiced up jacked up bonered
01:10:46
[ __ ] yeah there's no way i get fired by who you're the pharmacist oh that's right who's
01:10:51
gonna fire that guy right but i would do i would get stuff that's like you know um that's heavy like the stuff that killed
01:10:58
michael jackson oh uh uh what is it it's not perk assistant no no what was it called that killed him it was called a
01:11:03
bunch of stuff no yeah but he was one one the one that was mega man good one that was a good one propofol
01:11:10
let's get that i was snore mr profile
01:11:16
[Music]
