00:00:00
you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude
00:00:06
you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends am i still on camera if i go all
00:00:13
the way this way two different brushes who just was you can't get no i didn't i didn't have it and then i took that and
00:00:20
then this morning you know how they come over you want to talk into the mic so we can start the show i don't know and then this morning they had a you
00:00:26
know how they come over you had a pcr person come over to the house yeah
00:00:32
she goes knock knock knock right i go get out of here right they go no we're the nurse for the i go okay
00:00:38
come on in you know what i mean so you do think it's covet no
00:00:43
[Laughter] yeah i don't think it is by the way but
00:00:48
do you know why who's that coming from the left field that's juicy juicy that's juicy and you know what we're gonna say
00:00:53
i know we've gone back and forth over being able to say juicy or not i mean you can say it i know but i l
00:00:59
it's just so fun to say juice it's so fun to say juices yeah i mean it's it's a little too sexual though no
00:01:06
we said that but it's not it's if you make it that way yes look how many uh juice the movie was amazing look at
00:01:12
him uh type in famous people named about dry girl the opposite yeah
00:01:17
dry girl really yeah dry girl yeah oh yeah all right dry dame i was debating bringing this up because i don't want to
00:01:24
invite more of this into my dms but at age 32 i received my first dick pic
00:01:33
[Applause] all right let's go over the first dick pic this is the first dick pic you've ever gotten yeah oh one this week
00:01:40
yeah i'm sure it's from somebody someone here one of our crew members carlos
00:01:47
universe oh yeah yeah yeah oh a bad friends fan yeah well i love the bad it's like it's like the marvel universe with no powers
00:01:58
wait jet ski no you changed it yeah i just can't do it i'm going to say
00:02:04
juicy juice until you can come up with something that you would rather you know how about just juice but juice sounds
00:02:10
dope just yeah no but here but listen seriously yeah on this is your first dp
00:02:16
yeah well i don't know if you should call it that i will your first dick pic by the way i've gotten thousands you've
00:02:22
gotten some good ones never got a dick pic what not one dick pic well somebody's more popular with the
00:02:28
gay community maybe yeah both of us i get so many dick pics you know what's so funny i get
00:02:34
so many dick pics i was with kim kondo and yeah i save them
00:02:39
and wine shank you know kongden and wine chain of course i do right and i was we're talking about the hot
00:02:45
mail comics and you were in the group you're in the group
00:02:51
and i it i i was like you know i mean it was fight or flight for me they go dazzle neck i go that makes
00:02:58
sense they go you know i mean a couple of other guys i got canceled okay that's fine right then they go santino
00:03:04
and i went i froze like this i think that's how i got covered from freezing yeah yeah freezing from
00:03:10
freezing yeah yeah eric andre this is a list of names of what sexy funny
00:03:15
uh hot male comedians from 2017. yeah too late mark maron's on it yeah well
00:03:21
because we know that's not true yeah yeah uh all right so so i was on the list thank you that's great i'm glad i was on
00:03:26
the list anyway were you on the list ice cold yeah i'm never on the any list
00:03:33
yeah but i i'm not hot but i am handsome so i no they said hot yeah yeah oh
00:03:38
that's nice well can i tell you something what now that you're single i bet you're
00:03:44
gonna sneak into that list no yeah you're gonna get hotter i think you're going to get hotter you've been
00:03:50
in a relationship for too long now you're going to get hotter now that you're single yeah but i do it like you already did exude something the other
00:03:55
night i told you you looked really sexy the other night yeah coming from you doesn't feel good though why because i'm the most honest
00:04:02
person of all these [ __ ] people these girls that say you're so funny and sexy bobby just because they like your talent
00:04:07
they don't know the real you i know the real you i'm in love with you i'm in love with you you seem sexy to me
00:04:14
tonight it just doesn't read as well sure from a random but not one of your best friends of all [ __ ] time say it
00:04:20
again you look really sexy today thank you yeah see you see you bought it a little
00:04:25
bit there thank you a little bit there all right let's talk let's talk about uh juices dick pics i do have an idea for
00:04:30
bobby really quick though yeah what if we gave him a sexy nickname ooh like saucy
00:04:36
oh saucy bobby well i mean oh here comes saucy yeah
00:04:42
saucy i don't like it okay how about here comes uh ooh here comes noodles
00:04:49
oh that's cool i love noodles you're getting closer yeah
00:04:54
like how about pungent noodles little punching noodles
00:04:59
here comes flavor to it oh here comes pork chumai yeah pork shoe mic yeah it's chinese i'm korean wait are you serious
00:05:06
you didn't know that when have you been korean imagine if i did think you were chinese
00:05:13
listen if you are sexy we will get you a good nickname well i let me say this though just to defend myself you know
00:05:19
what do you mean no one's nothing to defend i have to okay i have to defend my honor he loves defending something
00:05:25
that isn't defensible yeah i'm definitely my honor right now okay okay i'm on the hill i'm wearing the samurai
00:05:31
outfit i have my sword you're over the hill you're 51. i know but there's dead bodies around me it's in my right this is what i'm doing okay okay so i'm
00:05:37
defending myself right to the end and i want to say something it's been kind of cool
00:05:44
okay there's been signs not that i have done anything but there's been signs that
00:05:50
papa may be back maybe the phoenix has been reborn do you
00:05:56
want to tell the fans no no nothing nothing bobby got his groove back
00:06:02
it's just you know boobies say what people say dick pic so
00:06:08
vroom vroom jet ski i know how hard that is for me it's just so stupid i hate jet ski at this point
00:06:15
juicy listen jessica sucks jessie sucks juicy we gave you juicy we blessed you with that battery yeah yeah yeah yeah
00:06:20
yeah i'm grateful you guys don't know how powerful you are in one episode you've changed my name yeah that's right
00:06:27
we did shift it yeah you shifted her name all right so tell us about the deep the dick pic juice i want to know bad
00:06:33
was it good dick pic was a good dick they're never good no it was alarming i went into my other messages and it said
00:06:41
you know the image you have to tap on it to see it yeah and at 32 years old of not seeing a dick pic i didn't even
00:06:47
think it was a possibility yeah so i was like let's see what this is yeah yeah what did you think the image
00:06:52
might be i don't know a funny meme a funny me funny meme now if there was a picture of a dick in a funny meme would
00:06:58
that be acceptable that would have i would have liked that a little bit more sure but i don't want any all right yeah
00:07:04
no don't please don't send her if you're going to send anybody a dick pic send it to bob he doesn't get anything he's
00:07:09
please send him a dick now that he's single please send him dick pics bobby lee live it's it i don't
00:07:15
think they would yeah are they yeah they will now no no yep i am imploring every one of our fans to send bobby lee a dick
00:07:22
pic let's count next week how many you get okay can i say this though and it doesn't have to be hard by the way if you're embarrassed and you're camera shy
00:07:28
send him a softie i want soft dicks send them some okay only they're good only soft and if they're tucked if
00:07:34
you're willing to tuck yeah yeah he loves a tuck a lot of pubes what kind of dick would be your preferred hamptons
00:07:41
all right let's see this dick pic from this guy i just feel like it's it's a nice size dick yep and i'll be the judge
00:07:48
and he and he just wrote i love you i l ily i'll be the judge but the angle of this
00:07:54
is like it's it's like the [ __ ] empire state building let me see [Laughter]
00:08:01
i mean it's so so head heavy he's so that's a big dick
00:08:07
can i tell you something i think that's the angle it's in portrait mode for sure that's a good dick dude i think it's photoshopped can i say something you do
00:08:13
right you think it's photoshopped even though the dick's good he's poor yeah you saw his room yeah you
00:08:18
see his room yeah yeah so when you see his room you go he's poor so you can't [ __ ] let me
00:08:25
know what i mean there's like a chicken wing on the bed like a [ __ ] you man yeah in the background in the background there's
00:08:31
yeah the closet doors are off the thing yeah he doesn't know how to fold
00:08:36
yeah he's got it it's all it's a mess like an ied went off on that also if you're gonna send a dick pic do it so i
00:08:42
can't see the rest of your room i don't do you know what i mean or like i have certain size though like you know i have
00:08:48
certain places in my house where i only do all my zooms yeah right because i i know where the best places in my house are right on
00:08:56
zoom right right so this is a cool wallpaper great photos it looks rich of course you know what i
00:09:01
mean but this dude don't give a [ __ ] he doesn't give a [ __ ] no and if that's that's probably the best place he could
00:09:07
do it and if that's his best place how to take the perfect dick pic the guy that's the guy
00:09:13
from the dick pic yeah but you have to be i know your boyfriend i don't want to say his name but you want me to say his name sure
00:09:19
all right i know your boyfriend very funny guy so i said the other night oh cool uh like you don't like it that was awesome by the way what sorry i'm
00:09:26
tangenting but i hosted potluck for the first time and bobby was in the back of the room and i was like bobby where are my glasses and where you go up and up
00:09:33
bring up the to be next it was really special yeah the impression was okay it needs a
00:09:39
little bit of work but it was good i thought it was awesome it was super exaggerated
00:09:45
because yeah because you know she's up you know right and i'm wearing her glasses but i'm like she i don't i want
00:09:50
them to know that i'm trying to do her so i went the other way i got it did you bring on
00:09:56
hugo galaxy hugo galaxy hugo galaxy yeah what a [ __ ] name one of the newest i had to show my dick
00:10:02
to a doctor yesterday why did you show him went to the urologist yeah i showed him some on a picture of a p i put a picture of a penis over my own penis why
00:10:10
went to the urals to get my balls checked out see if everything is all good is this are they see how my swimmers are are they good
00:10:16
98 million did you know that 98 million sperm seems like a lot is that good yeah
00:10:22
he said it was a good number my discount was high that's a lot he said he's when they
00:10:28
tested my jizz a normal sperm range for 15 million to more than 200 million whoa
00:10:34
i was 98 million he said yeah i i'm afraid 15 million that sounds low what does that say 39
00:10:40
million per ejaculate is considered low right i was four times three times that yeah i wouldn't want to let's test your
00:10:45
sperm no it'll probably go 150. i i'm just 150 million no no 150
00:10:51
flat yeah and if that was the case i would just feel like you know i'm doing something wrong it's so weird giving sperm dude
00:10:58
it's it's so uncomfortable it's the worst you walk in these clinics they're it's like well lit with with
00:11:04
[ __ ] fluorescent lights and she they're always mean by the way these
00:11:09
women that work in these places they're always mean because are they attractive
00:11:15
[Laughter] so it's hard to get started it takes a long time they should make
00:11:20
the girls attractive that's what i know there's got to be i'm sure there's got to be something i bet you in beverly hills there's a high-end place
00:11:25
where they're hot and they just sit in the room and watch you jerk off yeah we'll go to the hype they reverse louis cku yeah yeah yeah um
00:11:32
honestly they walk into this room they turn on a little a little noise a little white noise
00:11:38
machine yeah which i didn't like i turned it off what does that do huh what does that do white noise they want it so
00:11:44
they can't hear you out in the hallway it's for them yeah yeah but the rooms are barred off
00:11:50
there it's like in a room in a room in a room in a room you're like so far from anybody hearing you are there windows
00:11:57
yeah and there's no blinds no there's no [ __ ] windows i'll just make sure just to make sure my hand just down the
00:12:02
window overlooking wheelchair if you have one of those like fb fbi like incarnations
00:12:10
i'm just watching people like coffee bean like what i would do is i would look at the room and go is there any cameras yeah
00:12:17
that'll [ __ ] me up mentally right there's there is cameras oh if there was even like you look at our ceiling see those little gaps those
00:12:24
are cameras i would have to get up into those [ __ ] crevices i'm about to blow your mind right now good
00:12:29
these are all cameras oh that's a camera that's a camera that's a camera these are all cameras wow you're
00:12:35
unplugged no so i had to go in this room they have
00:12:41
a tv in there with a tv stand with dvds
00:12:47
for porno can you bring your own you bring your i brought my phone can you bring your ipad see i thought about
00:12:53
bringing an ipad but i thought that's way too much yeah it seems like a lot right because they're they already know you're jerking off in there which is
00:12:58
already embarrassing there's no way i could do it with their catalog no no an iphone my iphone you know oh i thought
00:13:05
you said that i had to do their kind of oh you're going through like no plus i had seen all the ones that they had had
00:13:11
urban chicks 1998 you know bangkok [ __ ] you know you know i'm like going through the [ __ ] fire like none of this urban
00:13:18
checks 1998. uh no it's it's you bring your phone in there but i did think about
00:13:24
bringing an ipad and i thought it's already a weird embarrassing thing they know you're going to jerk off and you're like an ipad just seems gratuitous i
00:13:31
would have to bring my suction machine you the suck 9000 or whatever it's called i have one i know that
00:13:37
yeah that's the only way i can do it now you you can't just regular because it has two
00:13:43
great options yeah right it has didn't we buy it for you we bought it i bought a new brand new one you bought another
00:13:48
one yeah i i i spent top dollar yeah they automatic suck right right it has sucking and vibration right whoa you can
00:13:54
do combination and then you do release you can release the air right so it's just like you're there right
00:14:02
it hurts kind of it sucks it i don't think it's supposed to hurt bud i make it hurt yeah i think it is i think he likes it
00:14:08
you put it on her i think i thought yeah there was a lot of little pain yeah
00:14:17
right yeah so could i bring that machine in uh sure yeah yeah you can i mean there's no rules but i just felt like
00:14:22
but i had to bring in my phone and it would i couldn't i wanted to bring my ipad because my ipad has a stand ah my
00:14:28
phone i have to hold right yeah and also i put it on the counter i tried but it fell so i just
00:14:36
it was it's it's uncomfortable already they put stuff all over these chairs and they dim the light
00:14:42
and it stinks of course i brought headphones because boy what do you mean you're bringing
00:14:47
headphones why you listen to music yeah i'm listening to [ __ ] radiohead while i jerk off oh you want to listen
00:14:54
to the yeah oh i don't want to hear the i don't ever listen what yeah are you a serial killer
00:15:01
you watch porn on silent yeah that's disgusting he does his own soundtrack
00:15:08
no because and here's where you'd go the reason why i do is because
00:15:13
jules is in the next room we'll put on headphones yeah but then i have the machine it's it's the whole thing
00:15:19
so she hears whoa let's hear that yeah yeah she's like he vacuums a lot so much
00:15:25
hey what does that say that kanye watches porn on silent he refuses kanye refuses to listen to porn yeah i think
00:15:32
that's a thing i've never watched porn with the sound on yeah i think that's a thing yeah he's a he's a [ __ ] loose
00:15:38
goose upstairs and i am a lucy goose we know that's something you share yeah yeah it's uncomfortable too because you
00:15:43
have to fill out a sheet of paper that says what what did it say i live with my mom
00:15:48
in high school then i live with my mother-in-law chris jenner's house the kids next door and stuff what if this is such a sad he's such a
00:15:55
sad reality your house is his house is 50 000 square feet find a wing to jerk often or jerk off in the bathroom
00:16:02
anyway does your boy you ever catch your boyfriend jerking off never so he doesn't drink off i've never
00:16:08
caught him what do you mean he's jerking off right now while she's here oh that's right he's like i love that you have that job yeah yeah go do that podcast
00:16:14
but does he he is at work right now which doesn't mean he's not jerking off yeah that's what do you think everybody is he one of those guys that's like i
00:16:20
don't ever jerk off you know you've heard these guys yeah which is insane no i've asked him before because i've never
00:16:26
seen him do it and then what do you say he's like yeah of course he does yeah you you jerk off yeah yeah you use a
00:16:32
machine i'm 32. i get it yeah yeah yeah oh do you have
00:16:38
machines and toys yeah i'm 32. yeah yeah does he have machines and toys not that i know of no you would know by now you'd
00:16:44
find it because guys machines are so big they're so big they're like they're cumbersome yeah they're so hard to hide
00:16:49
you can go it's a humidifier yeah i mean they just make it look like other things turning that on at night
00:16:57
like it's the loudest humidifier like it should look like a lava lamp it's a lava lamp i'm from the 70s and by the way the
00:17:03
lava flowing around your penis oh that'd be cool so cool your dick is up there and the [ __ ]
00:17:10
i'm on the planet pandora you know i mean that'd be great it's uncomfortable to come in a cup it's impossible to come in a cup and you have to come in a cup
00:17:17
and then you have to write on the cup and you have to write did everything get in and what the time that you jerked off oh my god and then when you're done
00:17:23
you put it in a little booth and then they make you sit there it's so funny it's like almost like punishment they like do you leave the
00:17:29
room then you sit outside of the room and wait for them to say it's okay to go is there what do you mean do you stick it through a door and then they pick it
00:17:35
up yeah like a little window yeah like either yeah exactly like if you were pissed in a cup for a piss test yeah yeah maybe you could put in a little
00:17:41
door same thing and then they make you sit there like a weirdo while you sit you see another guy like
00:17:46
hey like it's weird to see another guy who also just jerked off you know what i do i shift through the [ __ ] hazard
00:17:51
trash bin you touch the hazard trash bin i have to know what's in there you
00:17:56
that's probably why you're sick when it's red like a red bag and it has a hazard thing yeah when it says i open
00:18:02
it up like it's a christmas gift needle's in it yeah yeah and i just go through it you know i mean that's the one let's get one about let's
00:18:08
get bobby one of those because you see interesting stuff in there yeah like needles blood yeah
00:18:14
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00:19:30
a dj and she goes it changed my life honestly here's the deal we're big proponents of mental health awareness on
00:19:35
this show that is truthful we love to make jokes a mess around but we also bob and i both take care of our brains because we speak to people i think it's
00:19:42
helpful no matter who you are where you're from what you do i think uh if you take care of your brain the way you take care of everything else in your
00:19:48
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bad friends that's better help dot com slash bad friends speaking of oh my god speaking of blood
00:20:31
or something nega like that i know what you're gonna say huh the breast lawson car accident oh my god
00:20:38
you're gonna bring it up it's it's heartbreak do you know about this this woman was going like a hundred and ten through blood right through
00:20:44
this video it is so brutal can you want to show it or not so what happened was juice this girl is
00:20:50
going 110 drunk drunk yeah well totally [ __ ] up yeah and goes through not only just an intersection but smashes into
00:20:57
like a bunch of different cars and people and then almost hits a gas station it could have
00:21:02
could have been watch watch it look at this watch how fast this girl comes flying through here
00:21:08
whoa whoa six people died instantaneously a pregnant a couple with
00:21:14
their baby look at right now watch this again here it comes i mean the sheer speed
00:21:22
oh my god oh my god and that's a gas station and she's can you believe that didn't light
00:21:28
anything on fire at the gas station yeah by the way bad plug for united oil already my least favorite casting yeah
00:21:34
and she she survived she lived oh my god right she was out like on the side of the road
00:21:40
like what's going on and it's like oh what a disaster why do they always live they always live she's [ __ ] up yeah
00:21:47
yeah but i mean they always live i you know my grandmother once was like that's that's god's punishing them they have to
00:21:52
live with the pain instead of just dying and getting freedom and i was like i i think it's just when you're drunk
00:21:58
you're more loose and your muscles don't tense and you're more likely to just flip and roll and not die yeah that's
00:22:04
usually what they say but it's like i've been on that road oh my god what do you mean i've got thousands of thousands
00:22:10
i've been in that intersection it happened so fast your life you're gone instantaneously that's scary yeah yeah i
00:22:16
do i do think about how i i take for granted how how much we drive in la and how
00:22:22
i don't really think about it i'm never thinking about it i'm never think but honestly la accidents
00:22:27
constantly constantly there's accidents in this city yeah so you never think about it you're just driving along it's like those people those [ __ ] poor
00:22:34
people what did that say there were what 52 000 car accidents in la and just in
00:22:39
2015 that's an average of one person killed in la by traffic accidents every 40 hours every two days someone gets
00:22:45
someone gets gone in la yeah and that's also 16 or six years ago oh my god updated that's insane can you
00:22:52
imagine that [ __ ] the shift during covid how much they it's 150 crashes a day
00:23:00
that's so many yeah i mean it's like you know what does that say
00:23:05
79 asian why is that why is that on there why would they list that statistic
00:23:10
that's not okay what website is that
00:23:16
what's this all set up we're not bad drivers we just drive slow i didn't say anything we're not in that omegle law
00:23:22
said that yeah yeah yeah yeah we just drive really slow omega law that's what that is that's like one of
00:23:27
those one of those law billboards that you see that's like you want to butt [ __ ] your case in the ass
00:23:33
you got a call mike and kev it's always two like tough guy looking bros i i cannot believe
00:23:40
these guys these attorney those attorneys make money those [ __ ] ambulance chaser attorneys yeah they do though no they make a [ __ ] look do you
00:23:46
guys get road rage i you know what's so funny you've never been in the car with me i used to yeah
00:23:52
and then you get oh you got so over it now couldn't care less yeah it's all [ __ ] every time i drive i don't even
00:23:58
think about it anymore i'm so bia when i first moved here i couldn't comprehend how atrocious people drove here it blew
00:24:05
my mind and then years into it you're like i have a solution
00:24:11
you want to hear my solution of course yeah all the cars should be interconnected in terms of talking to each other
00:24:18
right autonomous vehicles so every ev they're all so we don't drive at all anymore they can't no i'm driving no we can talk to each other so i can press a
00:24:24
button what are you doing what are you doing what do you mean
00:24:30
put on your blinker it's broken how old are you
00:24:35
12. oh and they call the cops yeah what are the cops going to do
00:24:41
nothing yeah l.a yeah maybe that's not good we're busy yeah yeah
00:24:46
do you know how many black people we have to just search randomly we're busy no dude you know what talking to people
00:24:52
in the car i think that we should all have scrolling led screens what does that mean you know like an led
00:24:58
screen that projects something then you just say something into it and it would just say like go [ __ ] yourself so if you guy cuts you off you can just put it up
00:25:04
and it just is rotating on your car i want one of those these are just augmented ways of road rage though that's right they're safe you're right
00:25:10
you're right right you're right but we're not i don't have a gun i'm not going up to [ __ ] kill someone but i do want to say to people sometimes [ __ ]
00:25:16
you but have you ever done this like like someone cut you off and then you speed up to see what they look like i have to know what they look like you
00:25:22
know what they look like asian what what what what do they look like no it's
00:25:27
always like a white dude right it's always a white tube yeah yeah wearing a trucker cap it's always a white dude in the truck yeah right and shaved off you
00:25:34
know the sleeves are cut off yeah yeah yeah yeah a lot of white trucker a lot of white guys with shave
00:25:39
trucker hats in l.a right and you go and you and then if they look tougher than you you go
00:25:45
donald trump donald trump cut me off in traffic one time whoa whoa yeah happy
00:25:51
he was it was tight though yeah i love him dude i was like love you dog you know i let him go he was fine he was
00:25:57
on a motorcycle so there's this movie my brother recommended to me and he go it's the same guy that directed ex mccanna ex
00:26:04
machina do you see that great movie right yeah he did a new movie called men
00:26:10
right i love them and my brother my brothers for two months i saw it in the theater you gotta watch it you got every
00:26:17
[ __ ] day it's a horror film yeah i don't know what it is dude all i know it looks like a [ __ ] if
00:26:24
it's a comedy they're they're not advertising well [Laughter] that looks good yeah but let me tell you
00:26:30
something dude it's so weird that i couldn't finish it
00:26:35
weird as in like like it's not oh it's an a24 again another bad yeah yeah another banger it's so weird i couldn't
00:26:41
finish it who's in it can we get back to the cast yeah you don't know anyone that's in that that's cool i like that yeah yeah actually can i be honest with
00:26:47
you pretty [ __ ] scary like you did freak out but not in a way where it's like you know you went to
00:26:53
conjuring there's like there's like you know um what do you call it um jump scares
00:26:59
yeah they don't have any of that yeah i hate them when they do that on the internet i mean i'll just kind of just tell you when something's coming and then a
00:27:05
baseball flies to the screen you're like don't do i just tell you see the first scary scene you're not going to see it
00:27:10
well say spoiler alert to the fans when you do this spoiler alert spoiler alert right it's called men so she this
00:27:17
woman she loses she her husband kills himself right big spoiler by the way in the
00:27:22
beginning of the movie opens it with it right right how is that a spoiler i'm just saying yeah yeah
00:27:28
sometimes the spoiler is a little bit light this is that one's right on it it's like you're giving away a big piece well i can't explain this next part guy
00:27:34
kills himself go ahead okay so she decides to go to a small english town and get away
00:27:41
she rents a house and you know they're like you know it's it's very like rural right she goes on a little hike
00:27:48
and then she sees a tunnel right she goes in the tunnel
00:27:54
and it's one of those tunnels where you can see the end you see there's a little light right and she goes
00:28:00
and then the tunnel goes right there's an echo that's right
00:28:06
and she kind of echoes and makes a song almost and all of a sudden at the end of the [ __ ] tunnel you see a man just stand
00:28:13
up and he's completely naked and he just starts walking towards her
00:28:19
right is he hard is he hard no big dick though yeah and then she's in
00:28:24
her she escapes right she runs away she runs away from him and she's like sitting there talking to a friend and
00:28:29
the guy is just picking fruit naked you know what i mean in the front
00:28:35
of the lot what kind of fruit why does it matter it's important yeah
00:28:40
it makes a difference yeah it is it does was it like an apple tree oh it's a peach tree peach love a good pizza
00:28:50
by the way right yeah if you're gonna be naked and pick something peaches are pretty clutch yeah yeah
00:28:55
and then he just comes with the window and stares at her like this still naked yes completely naked and i stopped
00:29:02
why that sound that sounds like it's about to get good yeah i don't know what happens after that but it's like way too much dick for me that's how i felt when
00:29:08
i got that pig yeah too much that's why i brought it up by the way if he if what if he had his [ __ ] through a peach would
00:29:13
that be funny see see he says yes yeah yeah that's it
00:29:19
yeah and she runs her that's a big [ __ ] tunnel holy [ __ ] by the way i got in a youtube wormhole watching cave
00:29:26
uh uh or maybe it's tick-tock cave um people that go through like they they go into those like little caves they do
00:29:32
cave uh digging or whatever dude it gave me the worst claustrophobic i'm watching it and i'm freaking out
00:29:38
these guys go through the tiniest caves their bodies underwater right no no no no this is just they'll see a cave in a
00:29:43
[ __ ] mountain yeah and they'll start they'll just go into a hole and then go as far as they can go
00:29:49
it's it's caving it's in it's [ __ ] insane there's a guy look at how [ __ ] yeah
00:29:56
yeah it grossed me dude i kept i couldn't stop watching it i was on the [ __ ] what are you gonna find
00:30:01
i don't know another dead guy who did the same thing that they did yeah i mean you should i don't know what
00:30:06
if that's like that like what do you find there like a gold nugget look up look at father and son caving
00:30:12
yeah maybe it was tick tock i think it was youtube or tic tac but these two they go together and it was [ __ ] me
00:30:18
up dude i was like like i would do it if they said like no sometimes they find diamonds sure yeah
00:30:25
i know i'm just saying if that was the case yeah i might try it they just love the idea of of of going through these
00:30:32
little tiny holes and they want to see and they map it out so they'll draw while they're doing it what it's like
00:30:37
for other people and they leave like they leave stuff planted so other people know they were there and [ __ ]
00:30:43
it's insane i couldn't stop watching when men do that it has something to do with their mother
00:30:48
to getting getting away from some or going back into the birthday trying to go back maybe yeah some psychological thing
00:30:54
because i have no urge to go back inside my mother that was a dank place i got a nurse to go inside your mother oh yeah
00:31:02
that was an awful place the dank isn't good dad yeah i like it dark and well
00:31:07
maybe that is a very like uh maybe that is a calling back to like wanting to go back to like being in this
00:31:13
these weird uh fetal positions and climbing slow and having to like morph your body through that's the only
00:31:20
explanation in my head i guess yeah yeah but some people just like daredevil [ __ ] because it's risky as
00:31:26
[ __ ] it's risky as [ __ ] you can easily get stuck and die they found a planet in our in our galaxy
00:31:33
that the mountains are made out of diamonds let's go i know that's what i'm saying
00:31:38
so what are we [ __ ] doing so i would risk that i go uh okay let's try it let's die there yeah
00:31:44
yeah yeah i'd rather die there there was some scientists by the way what is that 55 uh can creed the rocky world knows
00:31:50
twice the size zero that has eight times the mass it's a super earth a diamond rich planet wow yeah let's [ __ ] i
00:31:56
want to go there let's go we don't tell anybody well yeah well we just told like well you us three go okay all right we
00:32:02
love you guys don't tell anybody we told a hat a million people right now okay okay so let's say elon musk let's see
00:32:07
elon musk goes we can get there i don't know how we're gonna get back i mean i we you know i mean but we can get
00:32:13
there i think i can help you get there yeah yeah yeah would you go
00:32:20
i may i'd have to think about it because what because what are we gonna go get all the diamonds and then die there yes
00:32:27
get the diamonds and die that's the point of life yeah you want to be like smog from [ __ ] you know what i mean
00:32:35
die in a bunch of gold coins like mount doom you know i think it's a great idea but who would get more diamonds it i
00:32:41
wouldn't even count at that point because it's like i'm not gonna go wow he has just two satchels you know i mean i'm gonna compare bags i feel like you
00:32:47
would though can you imagine we get all the way there and none of us brought a bag
00:32:53
and we're like [ __ ] yeah i thought
00:33:04
[Laughter] yeah yeah you'd be my bag
00:33:11
bobby i just got it i would do it though but if i had to carry your diamonds through my [ __ ] i get 60
00:33:16
oh that's fine okay i don't care because i'm doing the lug lugging by the way i'm not doing it for the diamonds i'm doing it just to see putting stuff in your
00:33:22
[ __ ] that's all i really want because if we can make it back if we're making it back yeah
00:33:28
but can i tell you what me and juice might do what we might kill you and then just take the diamonds from you
00:33:34
and then it's no longer i've always known that about you yeah yeah yeah you'd do the same to me because like in darkness because you'd
00:33:40
do the same to me remember in the dark knight because you would do the same to me well they keep killing each other in the beginning when they're robbing the [ __ ] course yeah
00:33:46
don't do that we'd have to make a pact okay you know it would be fun sign a contract hey it'd be fun to tickle him
00:33:53
if we tickled bobby and the diamonds just kind of fell out yeah oh it's going to take us 40 light
00:33:58
years to get there yeah that's not bad though bobby doesn't have that much time yeah i don't have that much time i'm 50. we do yeah we're
00:34:04
good what about this though let me ask you something yeah so let's let's put something else on the planet
00:34:11
what else is up there yeah yeah so [ __ ] the diamonds right diamonds are gone yeah what if it was like um
00:34:16
[Music] just all women mm-hmm they're all top ten women top ten yeah
00:34:23
top ten and only fans so the top ten and only five yeah yeah yeah yeah they're just like top-notch top-notch right
00:34:29
and um they don't speak they don't have mouths no no mouths no
00:34:35
but everything else looks the same as a human yes okay they have three breasts three tits yeah yeah so no mouth three
00:34:41
tits yeah yeah and they um they have a little bit not a full one
00:34:48
but a little like a little unicorn horn coming out sexy pretty hot sexy
00:34:53
yeah it's sexy yeah yeah and they're they're kind of cross-eyed too why are they crossing why did you do this because i'll tell you why because
00:35:00
they're always looking at things they're staring at the horn right so they're kind of little cross-eyed okay right and just just the
00:35:07
perfect vaginas you did this perfect vagina this is perfect yeah perfect
00:35:13
right would you take a trip up there with me no i don't i want to have conversations with these women
00:35:19
they can oh yeah me too but i would learn i would learn sign language or the way they communicate okay how about this
00:35:25
though yeah here's the trick there's got to be there's got to be something bad i'm not a shallow there's got to be something hey there's got to be
00:35:30
something bad one of the tits if you suck on it will detonate like an ied
00:35:38
yeah like a a roadside bomb right so they're land mines they're tit mines let's make it different one of the tits
00:35:44
has like one of tits will look cyanide well the tits are like no the t yeah the tits are like um shishito peppers you
00:35:49
know like one of them's gonna be hot out of a batch well i won't suck on them then if you touch them at all you say
00:35:54
that now yeah you say that now you're gonna want to suck some tits especially if there's three right so it's the first
00:35:59
time well it would be like you'd be like dear hunter you'll be like dear hunter
00:36:07
well what about for juice for juice there's a planet where there's a guy who has uh two dicks one for your butt one
00:36:13
for your poos and he also has a dick on his face so it's one for your mouth so he's the three dick guy interested
00:36:20
and he's the best joke writer
00:36:27
is guaranteed to work on stage it crushes it so you can get back on the right so you have the two dicks right three dicks three dicks really one right
00:36:34
mouth one for your mouth right and you meet so you're gonna have great sexual satisfaction yeah right but
00:36:39
you're also going to come back with an hour a new hour a new hour of material what do you think you know what i like
00:36:47
yeah but it's going to take you 10 years to get there and back you know who i kind of had a crush on
00:36:52
and i haven't in a long time you guys see this wrestler it was he was at the store recently like king ryan
00:36:57
i think i don't know who that is no ryan garcia was at the store the other night though do you know who that is i think that is that the boxer i think that
00:37:04
might be the kid ryan garcia is that who you're talking about this kid yeah he was at the store oh you like him if
00:37:09
there was a planet full of these guys yeah oh so that guy he's good looking yeah yeah he's real that's the guy he
00:37:14
was at the store the other night and [ __ ] jacked yeah really there's not an ounce of fat on that kid it's all i
00:37:20
mean he's not a big person he's a smaller guy but there isn't an ounce of fat on that [ __ ] kid it's no it's
00:37:26
insane tight is the top you've never seen his hands how fast this kid is no i don't show a video of this [ __ ] kid
00:37:32
it's insane he's so fast he doesn't have to be funny
00:37:37
he doesn't no can we tell you something you know he's not funny yeah and he's too good at something else you can't be
00:37:43
you can't be that good at boxing and be very funny and if he's that good-looking boxing and funny we would kill him we
00:37:48
kill him yeah we could kill him how would you guys kill it with this guy we shoot him with a gun
00:37:54
the old-school way like an american look at this kid
00:37:59
imagine he's oh i want to watch him on youtube you should he's so fast so good his hands are just so quick
00:38:06
oh that's a body shot baby yeah he was so planted to those guys and you're good what if he has no dicks
00:38:11
no dicks no dick but it's [ __ ] good yeah yeah
00:38:16
and it takes 40 light years 10 10 10 10 10. five there five back
00:38:23
okay then yeah yeah all right i could pack a bag bring some toys if you could go if you
00:38:29
really look if they open it up they already are going to open up space travel would you go
00:38:34
yeah i would go even if they say there's a planet out there that has the same atmosphere as earth right what if it's
00:38:40
50 50 risk of coming back that's fine but they say we don't know what's there we don't know if there's humanoids we
00:38:46
don't we just know there's vegetation and because there's atmosphere and oxygen all that stuff i might do it
00:38:52
would you do it juice i think i would i feel like we people talked about this with the planes right
00:38:58
but 50 chance of coming back if they give you if they said half people don't make it
00:39:04
well make it there or when they get make it back don't come back they can't come back do you die on the planet or just
00:39:09
stay there they're not going to tell you what happens you just have 50 don't get back but they don't die that did they they don't say that i would have liked
00:39:14
those questions likelihood is high that they're going to die not enough resources can i ask how they died unfortunately we're not we're not
00:39:21
allowed to tell you really that's part of our oh so did i land on the planet and this is [ __ ]
00:39:27
50 foot [ __ ] black dude with a big dick and chasing you and then i get [ __ ] to death so you know about your mall
00:39:34
i know about the jamal plan you're aware about your planet yeah yeah it's his planet yeah
00:39:40
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skin raw as raw as it gets and i've never been skydiving
00:42:03
but it's really safe though yeah you got it you've done it no i don't think i'd do it but you gotta do it okay right eye
00:42:09
you got it why wouldn't you do it it's scary it's terrifying see i'm not scared of it i just feel like something is
00:42:15
gonna go wrong yeah i'm not like afraid of the plane of jumping out i'm like i know i'll be the [ __ ] guy
00:42:22
who who they're like the shoots [ __ ] up and i'm like what like i know that'll be me because there's two things that
00:42:28
happen right there's two shoots there's the main shoot and the emergency shield correct and then right like if i do the main shoot and it
00:42:35
doesn't work the biggest fear is when the second shoot doesn't work that's when it all pops in especially
00:42:41
because i just saw that video that came out of that guy there was a video that went oh what does this say uh the lowest on record 10 fatalities
00:42:48
last year 10 people died out of how many jumps 100 000 jumps
00:42:53
yeah 10 of 100 000 is is that's enough that's enough to [ __ ] me up yeah it'd
00:42:59
have to be one of a hundred thousand no it'd have to be none none i don't want it to happen it's like
00:43:04
commercial airlines it's like yeah but roller coasters has like there's got to be fatalities on roller coasters right on roller coasters more
00:43:11
in a car which you get in every day i know what do we talk about today no but the difference of roller coasters is roller coasters are running all day
00:43:17
every day these 100 000 jumps is not a lot i guarantee you there's about probably 20 million roller coaster rides
00:43:24
happening right okay the mount is insane but but also there's that video of that
00:43:30
guy the skydiver guy just happened his [ __ ] shoot opened got tangled the emergency
00:43:36
chute got tangled in the tangled shoot and he almost died but it came out at the last second
00:43:41
this is a scary episode yeah a little bit dick pics and death from from the sky
00:43:47
yeah oh my god look at that that'll be me that's the guy oh my god no it opens at like the last second
00:43:54
this is it yeah oh [ __ ] he's in it he's [ __ ] inside of it stomach flipped
00:44:00
oh my god oh my god oh my god and then so that's the red one that's the emergency one that he throws behind it see the red one buying it behind him
00:44:06
that's the other one and that ain't opening neither oh my god oh my god oh my god
00:44:12
oh my god also to die tangled you're tangled in your diet well i don't think the tangling is that much of an issue yeah
00:44:19
that's saying no no no i'm last second
00:44:25
lucky son of a [ __ ] this lucky son of a [ __ ] go play the lottery
00:44:30
go play the [ __ ] yeah speaking of which lottery was won by illinois one of my people do you think he'd do that
00:44:36
again he'll probably do it again yeah yeah i watched one of those things about wingsuit guys yeah those [ __ ] psychos
00:44:42
yeah they do it all the time their friends die constantly i watched a documentary on netflix i don't remember the name of it the wingsuit guy one of
00:44:48
his friends they were wingsuiting in a canyon of a ski of a ski resort and he missed a gondola by a foot
00:44:56
one people were inside of it this guy missed a gondola by one [ __ ] foot
00:45:02
bobby and when they got down he was like they were shaking and he was like dude i i i
00:45:07
couldn't control myself he's like i almost hit the gondola and if he hit the gondola not only would he would have died people inside it because it would
00:45:13
have exploded yeah yeah yeah my god these wingsuit guys are nuts but they do it they all do it they all
00:45:20
[ __ ] do it but what if it's the greatest experience i don't like we don't know i don't know
00:45:26
if it's genuine i don't know it might be better than sex no no way how do you know
00:45:31
there's just no way because maybe like how about would you have let me talk with this it can't be better than coffee if one
00:45:38
person out of every 100 people have sex however one person every
00:45:45
what i mean one out of 100 people die when they have sex we do have sex
00:45:50
one out of a hundred yeah yeah probably yeah i probably would yeah me too yeah
00:45:56
how about this i'd rather i'd rather die having sex than jump out of an airplane yeah it's like you know that's
00:46:02
that drug ice it must be like that right it's like ice is meth right right yeah it's like one out of every 50 people die
00:46:08
no something crazy like that well [ __ ] is my the annual instance of sudden cardiovascular deaths heart
00:46:14
attacks sexual activity so 0.2 out of every hundred thousand men yeah that's why now would you be okay
00:46:21
how about this though yeah if you do die [ __ ] it doesn't happen while you're [ __ ] it happens right when you finish
00:46:27
well that's nice see what i mean i'd rather that i'd rather have it yeah what are you having to write before
00:46:32
you finish would be the worst i wouldn't do it though there's people that die while they're [ __ ] in the middle of [ __ ] didn't isn't that there's not
00:46:38
like a isn't there like an old rumor that matthew mcconaughey's dad died while he was [ __ ] i think he talked
00:46:44
about it one time but it sounds like a thing that he would want to be true anyway yeah yeah yeah while he was [ __ ] man that's why i
00:46:50
named my company just keep living dude yeah matthew mckinney says his dad died while having sex and they and apparently
00:46:56
they rolled him out to the street with his and his [ __ ] was still hard when he died imagine the one that was the room the trauma
00:47:02
on the for the woman yeah why is your poor man uh john why is your dick cold [Laughter]
00:47:17
can you imagine though [ __ ] dying while you're [ __ ] well there's that's the way to go see
00:47:24
you say that but no it's not what is then they cart you out naked and your your little limp penis nate i mean it's
00:47:30
just weird and you the the face
00:47:36
no way we do dig hard and your family gets to the to the [ __ ] mortician and they're like
00:47:42
can we see the body and they see it and they're like you didn't fix the face like we can't yeah yeah so the viewing everyone's like go say
00:47:47
your go say your buys and you're just they're like no that doesn't make to put a spider-man [ __ ] thing on my face
00:47:53
shooting jizz west [Laughter] yeah i don't know i don't think i could
00:47:59
ever i just i i'm not it's not that i've gotten more risk-averse as i've gotten older for stuff like that yeah i just never have been into it i'm always like
00:48:06
why i don't know i don't feel like jumping out of a [ __ ] plane about dying on stage
00:48:12
you know i thought about that when i saw what's her name fall and hit her [ __ ] head really hard on that video oh yeah what was what was her name why can't i
00:48:18
think of mcdonald huh heather mcdonald yeah heather macdonald she did yeah she smoked her head she passed out from
00:48:23
covid oh yeah i remember that i remember the same thing yeah i guess when that was happening i had a
00:48:29
little moment of yeah i'm okay dying on stage as long as
00:48:35
it's like a good stage oh yeah i don't know but mike yeah i don't feel like [ __ ] one day open mic at the store
00:48:42
with you hosting with three minutes there's no way no way sorry how's it going i just want to die if you died on a cool
00:48:48
stage i'd be fine you're like drag me to the main room yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i meant you're in the belly room and
00:48:53
you're like push me down the stairs all the way down at least die in the hallway where would you want to die at
00:48:59
the store main road on the stage of the main room yeah i'd want to die in the green room
00:49:04
right before i go on why to haunt it oh yeah with gus that place is already haunted yeah so it's like why not be
00:49:09
another ghost yeah did has gus ever close the door on you i've seen his face but not his but
00:49:15
he's never do you know about this the ghost in the main room i've heard about ghosts but i haven't heard a gus what yeah
00:49:22
but main room green room specifically yeah that that to me because i spent a lot of time there with kiltoni and stuff
00:49:28
and i feel the most presents because i used to get there first before anybody and just play my trumpet in there and i
00:49:35
could like feel people like listening do you know the old okay so you know in the main room where you know the double doors for the bathroom you know it's
00:49:40
like it's like swing doors i'm not kidding ron funches had left
00:49:46
yeah ron funches had left and i was sitting there on my phone and nobody
00:49:52
could have been nobody was in there it's not like he had been in the bathroom we were sitting on the couch together and i'm not kidding yeah
00:49:59
like he already left ron did is i was in there alone and i was like the belly room is dark
00:50:06
no this is the main room okay my bad oh you're talking about i know what you're doing nothing uh-huh
00:50:12
i'm just investigating i'm just investigative journalism but i heard those swinging doors swing
00:50:18
and it [ __ ] gave me the biggest creeps and i went up there and i looked in there i just gave me the [ __ ] creeps yeah i've been in there multiple
00:50:25
times and felt weird [ __ ] [ __ ] in there pete gray what you don't know the story of pete gray no
00:50:32
oh my god do you know pete gray i know the tall whites no
00:50:38
yeah you're part of them so pete gray used to be a doorman there and a phone he did the
00:50:43
phones with me back in the day and he performed in the belly room one
00:50:48
night that's him that's peter gray that's jim carrey yeah
00:50:55
that's okay yeah yeah that peter gray doesn't matter yeah i think that's
00:51:01
something i think that's him i want to hear it yeah and anyway um he he does a sit in the belly room
00:51:06
and he's walking down from the belly room to the green room now i'm sitting in the green room
00:51:11
right and i look away and i look at pete and he's his spine broke
00:51:18
what yeah and he slammed his head on that ceiling on what ceiling it in the
00:51:24
hallway oh [ __ ] right like he hit it yeah he said i was levitated up and i hit my
00:51:29
stink yeah he had to get surgery and [ __ ] and then he got addicted to drugs from the surgeries and he never did
00:51:35
comedy again shut the [ __ ] up peter gray pete gray whoa
00:51:42
let's get him on the show i don't know where he is i haven't seen him since then he doesn't want to be anywhere near
00:51:47
the comedy store i don't know and i think he sued the store wow and he got he got some money
00:51:53
how much i don't know let's guess comedy store yeah three dollars
00:52:00
i mean because back then it was back when the comedy store was on the verge of closing it was so close it was so
00:52:06
close to closing because there's no customers that um but i remember he got i didn't
00:52:12
see it but he did lev because you know how high that [ __ ] hallway is yeah and he's not that much taller than i am and he
00:52:18
broke his spine whoa tell me some other freaky [ __ ] that you saw when you go play the in the trumpet
00:52:25
in the main room by yourself i i don't see have you heard the piano i've heard that from multiple people
00:52:30
they can hear the people yeah i've heard from other people the piano i always feel good though i feel like i feel like
00:52:35
there's a presence there but it always feels good to me like it feels like happy spirits or like happy spirits yeah
00:52:41
that's because what you allude what you exude is happy spirits maybe you get good ghosts
00:52:48
no you get bad ghosts eh this ghost breaks fine no have you
00:52:54
have you ever been in mitzi's office i usually take people in there all the time when i had a friend in from out of
00:53:00
town used to be able to jerry-rig the door and go in there and just because i was i loved how creepy it was if you've
00:53:05
never been up there have you no they locked it years ago you used to be able to get in there and you could see all the [ __ ] on her desk was still there
00:53:11
they left everything in that office i mean i don't know what it looks like now but yeah so you've been in there i used to go all the time i've never been in
00:53:17
there i used to break in you used to break in 100 because i i would get drunk i would and guess if i had like friends
00:53:23
in town i would always take them up there and then tell them creepy [ __ ] stories and they would get so [ __ ] lit up because she used to clean that
00:53:29
room every year yeah with a exorcist yeah they would well they would yeah what's that called uh like a medium it's
00:53:35
like a cleansing no they do like a [ __ ] whole client it's like a whole ceremony a ritual yeah to get the spirits out wow her office
00:53:42
was also maybe i'm wrong but her office was also where the mob office
00:53:48
was where the back thing was to get the bodies out and all right right because you know it was an old mob yeah yeah
00:53:54
that's [ __ ] i've talked about the seance i saw mm-hmm yeah yeah
00:54:01
the seance i think we should get i think we should get a psychic to come on the show would you get would you be cool
00:54:06
with that i love it have you ever done a psychic before yeah yeah card readings or what did you do well
00:54:12
i grew up half wicket i don't know if you guys ever knew that my dad's wicked we gotta go i know i
00:54:17
just we gotta go we gotta get out of here sorry like the [ __ ] that sounds like a movie she is
00:54:26
wait so your dad was a wiccan yeah my dad and stepmom are awakened my my grandma's super christian my aunt's
00:54:32
catholic who raised you everybody we're doing it right now oh that's a
00:54:37
wicker man okay i thought yeah oh yeah it's different thing totally different that was what that's that's what burning
00:54:44
man was based it's not like satan worship it's very positive religion like and uh and yeah
00:54:50
so like we would do so any time we moved into a new house and we moved a lot we'd do the sage
00:54:55
get all the bad spirits out so give me give me everything about wiccan i'm so [ __ ] i might want to join i've always
00:55:01
wanted to join a religion so they're affirmative is it expensive to be a wiccan no it's probably the most like
00:55:06
free accepting religion great great i love it okay we're two gay couples right
00:55:11
and you're you're you have a wiccan church you mean we have one game yeah wait where's your party yeah no we're a gay couple we have other partners
00:55:18
we're cheating on those them with us we're looking for a new religion yeah i mean we've been ostracized from the catholic church obviously right
00:55:24
obviously and you have a and you know about the wiccans right so we're coming into your church you're the pr is there
00:55:29
a priest uh there's a priest and a priestess are you a priestess they're both of them yeah so i'm one uh
00:55:36
i'm jack and i'm bruno hi hi hi so um hey so um
00:55:42
tell us about the week in religion well if you guys want to do it time out why do we have to be gay we could have just been us that's true yeah yeah i
00:55:49
like that you're gay me too me too all right it feels right
00:55:55
tell us about wiccan yeah um if you're interested we can do a circle like uh circle jerk
00:56:02
we love that we love it yeah yeah that's what we did an hour ago yeah yeah yeah
00:56:08
yeah well i don't lead the circle jerks but i'm sure you could find somebody in the
00:56:13
group that does sure okay sure so give us some very open-minded people here awesome um we'll meet at the park
00:56:19
tomorrow at 4pm we know the park if you guys want to wear cloaks
00:56:26
or any kind of renaissance garb oh you know what this spells to me
00:56:32
shopping shopping yeah whatever you feel comfortable with and then maybe we'll do
00:56:38
a uh like a full moon ceremony i have a darth maul is that is that gonna have a little
00:56:43
darth maul thing sure i've seen that good how do you get into
00:56:49
wiccanism how do you start how do you if i say i want to be wicked yeah how do i get it
00:56:54
where do i go is there a book yeah there's lots of books i think in any bookstore i i mean i know if there's the
00:57:00
religion section what's the what's your bible called there's no bible
00:57:05
but what's your but what's your holy book called or what's the uh there isn't one is there too many that's why the
00:57:11
religion's so hard to explain because there's so many different teachings on it but there's like there's wicked for
00:57:17
beginners for beginners look at this look at the [ __ ] cover of the book it looks tight no it looks scary yeah that one looks
00:57:23
scary there's a skull of a [ __ ] deer well yeah it's when it's dead it's got a skull underneath what's the difference
00:57:28
right but all right we burned a lot of stuff what do you burn like you write down on
00:57:34
your will you know like when i was a kid i'd be like i want a playstation then you'd roll it up and burn it in the
00:57:40
cauldron wow because you want that to hopefully go out to the universe to become true yeah it's like praying it's
00:57:45
how we pray but it's more fun i think yeah it's definitely not eco-friendly but i do understand yeah things you want
00:57:51
you must burn but but it's weird like growing up because i also accepted jesus into my heart because my grandma was
00:57:57
christian but jesus was wicked jesus was pagan right who's pagan west
00:58:02
sun god son god i don't know it all comes from the same place yeah they're all saying the same
00:58:07
thing about it truthfully already can you say something yeah we know nothing about it so far
00:58:13
yeah nothing i know it's hard to explain i don't like talking about it very much wait you don't i don't yeah i haven't
00:58:18
ever brought it into my stand up or is there a god there's a god and a goddess what are the names
00:58:26
they just are they they're not called anything they're not calling it i think awakens are lazy well it sounds
00:58:33
like really a lot of disorganization lazy you know what i mean it is what it is it is what it is it's like yeah
00:58:40
that's their book it is what it is yeah i also it's not as concrete as like catholicism no [ __ ] there's like
00:58:47
yeah yeah they have the vatican i mean you guys don't have [ __ ] they built a whole city yeah yeah that's why
00:58:52
they won yeah they won they won yeah there's a bunch of lazy stoners they're very organized could you be a wiccan
00:58:59
could like today still could i or could anybody no no are could do are you still a wiccan today no i'm more like agnostic
00:59:06
if i want to label it like uh i definitely believe in something but is your dad still alive yeah is he still
00:59:13
wiccan yeah and your mom also my mom my mom yeah my stepmom oh right mom yeah and i think
00:59:19
you've really found it after the divorce after the what divorce oh so he wasn't wiccan and then
00:59:26
he met a stepmom and then he became wicked he met a girl and then he met that's what it is
00:59:32
no matt that's how [ __ ] powerful women are these [ __ ] are yeah yeah teaching us how to imagine that you're
00:59:38
like you know because your dad was a christian right uh meets this girl i think yeah maybe
00:59:43
right and she's like giving him this and he's going yeah i'll join it
00:59:48
because it's the best pee he's ever yeah it's the best pee he's ever had and he's like i'll do whatever is she hot your stepmom
00:59:54
he meant no it was a different lady that he was with after the divorce oh sucks by the way
01:00:01
what was her name can we say her name jamie yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] you she's not alive anymore oh yeah that's a bummer
01:00:06
well okay we went two different ways okay my bad it's okay i immediately that's a bomb really good
01:00:12
no it's okay and then then you met my stepmom now who's awesome do you and
01:00:17
she's wiccan yeah and i think they met at like some can like a wicked convention
01:00:22
camp or something yeah is there wick and candy i don't know the whole thing's really confusing kind of bum summer is almost over we do you ever go to that
01:00:28
psychic bookstore on ventura no oh we should go there one time a psychic
01:00:33
bookstore it's like this jug they have one in san diego too it's like a chain but it's a good gigantic store where
01:00:39
they sell it's a mcdonald's yeah yeah like pentagrams and well i do want that kind of stuff i do kind of
01:00:45
want to break into the evil spirit world me too i think we should get there but there's good spirits too in the evil
01:00:52
spirit world well i don't go to the evil one yeah yeah i want the evil one why
01:00:57
just cause like they need they need love too it's like i want to be an alchemist yeah don't you want to be you want to grind
01:01:03
[ __ ] and make it i want double double boil in trouble i want i want we can we get an alchemy set
01:01:09
here blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah yeah yeah the whole time yeah yeah i want to be don't want to learn about voodoo
01:01:15
voodoo have you guys been to new orleans yeah yeah we do we have we have money
01:01:21
and we have uh we've been on planes okay wow okay i drove there
01:01:28
the voodoo [ __ ] is well i do love the idea of poking a doll in and hurting the person that is kind of cool god if that's real
01:01:34
mm-hmm who would you do what would i do which one would you oh whom would i do
01:01:39
it to yeah well i'd start with you for fun but would it hurt no well a few things
01:01:45
like what would you do well i i i wouldn't know if i'm on stage oh my dick
01:01:51
yeah yeah well you know that's i'm going right forward yeah yeah i'm pulling i'm putting a little taste a little hot heat
01:01:56
right yeah all right i'll stop i'll stop well now what if people like the crowd
01:02:02
loved it would you keep doing that oh yeah yeah that would be our thing yeah but they could never know they could
01:02:07
never know you're behind we do a residency in vegas you're blowing up you're selling out [ __ ] arenas in
01:02:12
vegas and i want some of the [ __ ] shine because i'm doing it behind the scenes you don't want to give it to me our friendship ends you blow up i hire a
01:02:20
contract killer to kill you and he tries to come kill you but instead he falls in love with you it's a
01:02:26
story that you've heard a thousand times but then he can't deliver the act correct right you're gone so then what
01:02:32
you come crawling back to me yeah just like you knew you would it's like that lady who killed her
01:02:37
husband and then lit his dick on fire afterwards wow right so
01:02:44
her thinking is this he's in heaven waiting in line pearly gates
01:02:50
and he's just like i mean what was the point of that
01:02:56
you do it before yeah you like the dick on before right right not afterwards
01:03:01
good ladies if you're going to light someone's dick on fire while they're still still alive then they can feel it it's pointless
01:03:07
that's insane woman lights husbands penis on fire yeah wow
01:03:14
yeah wow yeah yeah well what'd you do that's what happened yeah that's what i did
01:03:20
what'd you do what'd you do what'd you do to light up like it's not just a divorce it's not just i'm sick of your
01:03:25
[ __ ] like murder is one thing yeah yeah right that's another level of anger
01:03:31
another level yeah yeah it's just like me killing a wife and then just clipping her vaginals
01:03:37
that's just the thought of just getting in there yeah yeah yeah penises somehow are easier to for my
01:03:42
visualization to cut off because they're already out you're like man it's fellaini all right
01:03:47
what are you going to do no no no no no no it's good i just wanted to burn
01:03:53
this penis so it belongs to me and no one else oh this is a different story there's a woman in burner peanut he's alive
01:03:58
so this man was alive and this woman set her husband's penis on fire because it belonged to her and no one else and she
01:04:04
didn't want it to actually get out of control her husband jumped out of bed knocked over the bottle of alcohol causing a fire to spread and resulting in one
01:04:10
million dollars of the damage to their townhouse and adjacent property in adelaide advertising i mean [ __ ] how
01:04:16
expensive is australia a million dollar town house and this woman she uh she's charged with
01:04:24
murder arson three counts of endangering the life is like wow wow end of the father father of three she had three
01:04:29
kids with this guy then let his [ __ ] on fire would you stay yeah
01:04:37
you gotta stick it out you gotta stick the kids for the death do us part yeah yeah yeah would they put a new claws in there till till burn until cockburn does
01:04:44
you part yeah i bet she's crazy in bed though oh yeah yeah yeah yeah oh that's my burn
01:04:50
side [Laughter] can you imagine burning any of your gender have you ever been have you ever
01:04:56
had any kind of burn at all yeah i just burned my arm on my curling iron okay you know three days ago i mean like a
01:05:01
bet like a fire fire it does hurt i do see that a lot of times girls get like permanent big permanent scars from curling iron yeah
01:05:07
yeah i don't think it's permanent i remember one time putting our microwave broke and i i was a kid and i put kfc in
01:05:12
the oven and like the paper i just like grabbed the tray i didn't i forgot the whole tray got hot
01:05:20
that's a tough one burn burns like fourth degree burns not on the face
01:05:26
no first is the worst right is it isn't first degree burn the worst or no is it the other way i don't know what to do
01:05:32
what's good like is eighth degree bad or the higher the degree the more severe
01:05:38
the burnout okay so so fourth degree bad is bad yeah your fourth degree is like you need skin grafts bacon you're bit uh
01:05:45
yeah you're bacon harvey tanks you're bacon yeah yeah but because i i read a story about a guy
01:05:51
who met his hit high school sweetheart she was in a fire and i saw her the photo which is she's
01:05:57
probably a lovely lady right and he stayed with her right right because he loves the inside right
01:06:03
and i was asking myself just just let me finish
01:06:09
it's like when you put a good sear on a steak it's still medium rare inside but the outside's crystalline
01:06:18
but i was asking myself would i stay of course you would i don't know the love
01:06:23
of your life i don't know all right and i want to i want to be able to say i would well this is this age-old question
01:06:30
like if they get paralyzed in the middle of your relationship are you sticking out so if if your boyfriend got burnt like
01:06:36
this and it was burnt i mean head to toe would you stay
01:06:42
you don't even understand like we have four roommates
01:06:48
taking care of them in this house so you'd leave i don't know what i would do yeah she'd
01:06:53
leave you would lose it you would leave maybe maybe i wouldn't though because maybe we'd work it out that insurance money
01:06:59
might be good yeah yeah i mean i don't know all right how about
01:07:04
this paragraph i don't know okay what about paralyzed what if they'd be i'd stay you would yeah because i saw a tick tock video there was a cheat
01:07:13
i mean she wants to leave but yeah yeah too many stairs yeah yeah there was a tick tock video of a girl who broke
01:07:18
her neck at her bachelorette party wow damn her [ __ ] on her back too
01:07:26
she broke her [ __ ] neck and she's paralyzed from the neck down oh yeah my god on her bachelorette party what do
01:07:32
you think she was doing that she dove her friend pushed her in a pool oh i thought it was gonna be see this is the
01:07:38
other side let's say this let's say this oh this is so dark no no no no no i'm saying
01:07:43
does your staying with your boyfriend the burn victim does it depend on how it happened right like one of the most
01:07:49
tragic versions of chemical burn you know this around the world people chemical burn people it's disgusting i hate that that's disgusting i hate it so
01:07:55
if someone it was at the hands of someone else you're probably more likely to stay yeah but if they did it themselves like
01:08:01
drinking and [ __ ] doing something stupid let themself on fire then you're probably gonna go i gotta get out of
01:08:07
here that's a really good point did you see the document of crazy love no so in the 1950s a guy was obsessed
01:08:13
with this girl right he throws battery acid in her face [ __ ] gross blinds her ugh she marries
01:08:19
them what and they're still together did he pretend to be somebody else no
01:08:25
they she has to wear sunglasses because she can't see really she does look dope though i know she's like a battery acid in her eye why did
01:08:32
he do that to her they got into it because he she was seeing seeing other guys okay can i say something though yeah and
01:08:39
then and nobody wanted to [ __ ] her after that so like 10 years later she's like i might as well just go with what guy that
01:08:44
threw the batteries nobody wanted because she was blind she had battery like scars on her face
01:08:51
she looks totally normal she's wearing makeup they're all wearing makeup
01:08:57
every every girl you know is wearing [ __ ] makeup anyway that's i saw the documentary but
01:09:03
so she married this man what is miserable [ __ ] documentary i know it's crazy it's called crazy love yeah
01:09:09
yeah and she and he threw where do you get battery acid from yeah i don't even know how to get that how do you get battery acid you guys even know is that
01:09:16
don't even we're gonna get flagged and the fbi fbi's gonna come here because we asked where you get battery acid yeah why
01:09:22
isn't that is it illegal how do you get acid out of a battery seems like a lot of work
01:09:27
you get a whole box of double d's and you're probably good to go some synthetic drugs made from battery acid oh this is cool that's cool
01:09:34
they just busted a guy in l.a with like [ __ ] 200 million dollars worth of fentanyl did you see that fentanyl is gonna it's gonna [ __ ]
01:09:40
kill everybody you can just get in the mail from china are you serious yeah can we order some
01:09:46
fentanyl to the show fentanyl works by binding the body's opioid receptors found in the areas of the brain they could pain and emotions
01:09:52
extreme happiness draws it right so it's a binding agent in your brain it's great my problem with those drugs though is
01:09:58
they don't last long right are they like 15 minutes fentanyl's aesthetic opioids 50 times
01:10:04
stronger than heroin 100 times stronger oh my god but how long does it last how long does
01:10:10
a fentanyl high last four to six hours no nasal sprays take 15 or 13
01:10:17
minutes but they wear off after four to six hours okay that's a pretty good [ __ ] high
01:10:22
let's get some let's get some [ __ ] let's get all the lozenges depending on lozenges imagine it's
01:10:28
disgusting what this is doing to people though it's killing some it's just it's uh yeah it's supposed to it's supposed to
01:10:33
be used to treat any kind of opioid or synthetic opioid i mean have you ever had a morphine drip
01:10:38
you ever had morphine and i've been addicted to opium though i'm opiates opiates yeah
01:10:43
i mean morphine in a bed in a hospital bed how about you juice and pill form yeah pills
01:10:50
yeah but no more no no were you addicted to it yeah
01:10:57
how much were you taking i was just like vicodins and morphine like i would take i remember i
01:11:03
like partied and had a bunch of these morphine pills and then i picked up my friends from college and i was just like
01:11:09
puking in a bag but i didn't want her to know so i like i like picked her up and
01:11:14
then when we got back to our apartment she lived in a different building the same apartment and i just i was like i'll be right back and i just tossed the
01:11:21
bag up in the dumpster you got to keep that bag of pubes yeah yeah you got to hold that near and dear was it high good
01:11:26
though yeah the high was good yeah but uh but yeah i kicked all this stuff
01:11:31
gotta kick all this [ __ ] how about you morphine any kind of opiates were you ever addicted to
01:11:37
no no i mean i i mean i took i when i shattered my leg i took uh vicodins and
01:11:42
i ate those things like [ __ ] candy yeah but i didn't like how i felt i felt well i
01:11:48
couldn't poop yeah i didn't poop for like a week yeah you don't poop with opioids it's so hard
01:11:53
to [ __ ] yeah so i couldn't poop i felt so weird it's you know my my [ __ ]
01:11:58
vice is booze i mean i just yeah you're a blues guy i like the way it feels so it's at the [ __ ] korean spa i'm not
01:12:04
going to tell you which one because i want to get in trouble we spa whatever
01:12:09
and literally right next to it and this has been happening for the last year you can ask paulie about it right
01:12:17
there's just the most beautiful women in a building i told you right
01:12:24
and every time i go there and ask i go what's going on in there get away you don't have reservation well how do you
01:12:30
make a [ __ ] resume i know guys how do i get reservations no no no no no why do you think it is that they won't let you
01:12:35
go they won't even let they won't even [ __ ] with me there's a real brother but look at them legit like a high-end
01:12:40
brothel yeah they're all in there how come you can't get it and then a couple one night one night i was there
01:12:46
and a couple of girls were going into a van and they look at me they go bobby lee i'll go tell me that's you're in about
01:12:54
it and they just got the right and they just drove away into the night damn it yeah they won't tell me well okay so if
01:12:59
you are out there listening and you're a fan and you run the brothel can you please let us know not that i would do it i just want to call the authorities
01:13:06
[Laughter] i just want to because paulie asked too because i'm going to ask brah so he went
01:13:13
and asked they go no no to him too because it's like he's a movie star that's a dozen beautiful girls going in
01:13:18
and out you told me you called me or like you wouldn't believe it but it looks like a movie it's like a movie it's fake it looks fake yeah
01:13:25
korea town what did you look up koreatown sex workers yeah anyone live around western and maple had noticed all the okay
01:13:32
people know yeah i just don't it's out there i just don't know i don't have a number i don't know the
01:13:37
guy i don't know a thing what if it's just like a women's rights meet up and you just sort of missed it it could be that it could be yeah that would be
01:13:43
terrible a peta meeting at two in the morning yeah i mean on a
01:13:49
saturday night i see you coming out just eating something in a row yeah yeah well um i gotta say
01:13:56
here's the deal yeah please everybody out there and i mean this with all my heart and soul please
01:14:01
send bobby dick pics so we can see how many we get for the next episode stop sending them to juice
01:14:07
she don't want them she don't want them okay i gotta go test back you're positive i want to look put my
01:14:14
can i just put in my uh birthday oh [ __ ] oh here we go if you're positive live on the iron i'd be so [ __ ]
01:14:20
pissed show me not detected negative wow
01:14:26
that's a great ending can i say something by the way yeah in the history of this show that's been on the air for
01:14:32
three years now or whatever two and a half years or something like that do you realize the amount of times we've been in this room with co like remember
01:14:38
we filmed during the middle of coven yeah we i had it yeah you had it yeah fancy's had it yeah
01:14:45
these guys have all brought it in and come and gone jules is obviously a little petri dish a little receptor and a giver yeah what do they call that when
01:14:51
you're not when you never get sick but you're she's a carrier carrier this this has been a covid
01:14:57
family yes and i'm glad that you're negative thank you but i don't believe it i don't either because i feel sick
01:15:03
yeah you're sick have you already covered yeah okay good yeah you're getting it you're part of the family yeah you're part of family bryce have
01:15:09
you had it get over here and give bobby a kiss do it bobby he'll do it for the show
01:15:15
send bobby dick pics please please please please no more to juice
01:15:21
vaginal ones as well to bobby yeah oh you want both combo
01:15:26
send him everything send him at all all right juice you wanna do you wanna um say good saying say thank you for
01:15:32
being a bad friend i'd love to okay go ahead thank you for being a bad friend
01:15:38
[Music]
01:15:54
bye
