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[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] all right man it seems like uh it's been
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uh a couple months since I've seen you dude are you going to tell tell me that story cuz I I got here like three and a
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half hours ago I pull up mhm we're outside we're talking cars that was fun and then we did like 3 hours of work but
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before that you tell me hey I got a story that I got to tell you before you take off so now I've had three hours of
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of of my own buildup like in my head of what this story is so the bar I had a you screwed up because the bar is pretty
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high the story better better be good probably sucks probably the worst story you ever heard in your life no so uh
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interesting week last week we did the show I had a something going on with my sinuses and allergies and soup nose soup
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nose bad case of the soup nose soup nose and soup pants and um I think it was Tuesday you locked us out of our online
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banking account right it was yeah Monday Tuesday yeah one of those days and so we're recording the show and I kept in
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between any break I would call in the bank and and they'd say do you have this number or you have this no I don't
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whatever information was needed we did not have at the time in this in the garage yeah and I kept on going can I
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give you just my social and they're going no you need your your business social and who has time for that
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so uh Tuesday you leave and I decide just going to jump in my car head over to the
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bank right straighten matters out yeah because like every time I kept on calling the people they kept on saying
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you know you don't have this information if they know you at the bank going there
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and they'll they'll help you out so that's what I went to do so it's maybe a 10 minute 10-minute drive and I I drive
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a little toaster right my little C XB if anybody knows what those are looks like
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a little toas with wheels with wheels yeah it doesn't doesn't slide um and so I'm at the main
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intersection and it's red so I stop and I see a cop car on the on the other side
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and now he he's in the other intersection and he's going to be turning onto the street that I'm going
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to turn on and he's just hanging out there like is he facing you or not facing you no so I'm like in the right
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lane and he's he's in the he's going uh not not parallel from me he's intersecting me but he's going
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to be turning onto the street he's turning right so he can turn on red he's turning where you're going yes okay so
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but he doesn't turn for whatever reason he's he's busy playing on his phone like everybody else
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yeah he's probably texting somebody or Snapchatting updating his Facebook yeah um updating his face who knows um and so
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he he's supposed to turn so I'm kind of slowing down to give him to go but now I
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got the green light so I need to go and and as I go through I go through then there's this Turnin section to the bank
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you know just one lane you turn in that's the only way you can go in or out turn into the bank and I park my car and
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then all of a sudden I see the police officer right behind me right and I kind of look at him I'm like what's this all
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about is is this about me right is this about me or or is this about you updating your face and he goes hey hold
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on a second I'm like great what's this about now mind you I didn't drive for like two years so I recently recently
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meaning the last year or so right uh you drove but you didn't drive like regular
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ly it was a rare occurrence that you would drive there was a lot of uber a lot of bicycle a lot of bicycling a lot
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of uber and it was and it was for no reason it was just that once I moved back I kind of stop driving and then
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what happened was I realized that my plates were expired this is a while back so once I took care of all that and then
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because I didn't drive for so long then I realized oh my license is EXP insired as well I mean this is Captain
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loserville right so I had to go through the whole process I had to take my test I had to get my got my license I
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actually had to do the driving portion of the test and then when it was time to get my
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plates I paid for like five years right of plates so you know my my license is valid I have insurance I have plates for
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the next 5 years why is this Guy saying come here right he he asked me um you know is this
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your name he said is your name and I said actually it's the captain and then I took off running no
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um so he says is this your name I says yes he goes you have a warn out for your arrest I didn't I was unaware of yes so
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was I I was unaware that uh I should have turned your ass in a long time ago a warrant out for my arrest for what
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what did you do I don't even know okay what does he say you did he didn't even tell me oh so he just says hey I'm did
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you ask him for what like because mine I'd be like for what like that would jump right out of my face as soon as
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somebody says no I was just scared to death I mean I've been I've been in the I've been to jail before don't like it
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it's to me it's the worst well they make it bad on purpose well no but it's like
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I mean I it's just the here's what I don't like is for you know we cover all these cases a girl goes missing
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hypothetically and you dated her at some point they can come to your house I didn't know you were going to bring this
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up in front of other people what I want to say but but they can question you right right now you can go along with
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the program but at some point whether or not you want them to whether or not you
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think think they have enough information they can just arrest you cuff you put you in jail right you can await trial I
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mean this is to me and I've seen in so many cases where you don't even know what right did they have to arrest
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the person in the first place and so got to warn out for your arrest oh great so
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I don't ask him why he says I got to patch down at this point I'm going this is pretty serious I'm just hoping they
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got the wrong guy even though he said my name so but I'm still holding out hope that there might
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be you know some mixup here right so he passats me down and for whatever reason I have like 300,000 things in my
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pockets I just have to keep pulling stuff out and put in this in a bag and you the guy's being nice you know he's
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not trying to he's not no power trip here okay he's just be he's doing his job he's this are you are you this
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person I have a warrant for you I have to patch you down you know he doesn't slam you up against his car and put the
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cuffs on real tight he doesn't elow elbow me in the face or anything but then he says to me that the cop car he
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had really no choice but to stop me because the cop car automatically scans each car that goes by ooh which fancy
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that's some technology I was unaware of that's like some Terminator to stuff but
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Night Rider stuff when you're talking cars um so now he's patting me down he's pulling all this stuff out of my pockets
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and then he says I have to Cuff you oh God great so now I'm outside the bank the bank knows me I used to work at the
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bank I forgot these people know like hey that's uh so and so out there looks like
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he's getting arrested and I've been to the bank a million times in the last month because you know I'm I bought a
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house right so um I'm a proud homeowner and so now I'm thinking about how many of the people are staring at me at from
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the bank and they know me by name right so then it's kind of like and account right now they're going to Cuff
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me so he puts these little tiny cuffs on me in the front he doesn't cuff me in the back he just cuffs me in the front
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tells me to get in his car it's like it's SUV but it's small it's hard to get in I got size 14 shoes um you know over
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6'2 does it have the cage thing like to separate him from you kind of a cage thing okay but it's more like uh I think
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it's like probably bulletproof glass there's no okay you know metal metal cage yeah I think they use the
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glass when they're able to nowadays so they don't get like spit on like I think spitting is a a common thing yeah if you
00:10:08
if you're a douche canoe and you're getting arrested for something stupid you're probably spitting on the officer
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or how many times do does somebody get arrested and they're in the back seat and then decide hey I'm going to spit on
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this guy so it's hard to hear because you're behind this class and he's basically saying this is what he tells
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me he says I have a a warrant for my arrest because I went to it was a traffic violation I don't even know what it was
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a speeding something something small and I went to the court hearing and I just never paid whatever the the fee was okay
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how much is the fee 200 bucks I go okay cool I have 200 bucks how do I pay this fee he asked me do I have a debit card
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on him I said yeah it's in that wallet you took so now I'm thinking can we just run my card and let me go right mhm no
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no no no what has to happen is he has to contact the the city that has the warrant out for my arrest and if there's
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an officer available then he has to take me to that officer and then that officer
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transports me to their police station so I go okay what if they don't have an officer available he says well
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then we have to hold you no they let me go oh I go and if you let me go what should I do and he goes well I'll let
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you go you get in your car now mind you I can see my car I can see the toaster you I'll let you go and you go
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to that police department and you pay the ticket and it's all gone done but look I'm not going to give anything away
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here but that police depart I guessing just from knowing you and and your checkered history that we're
00:12:04
discussing that's that's not a police department that's close that's nearby it's not that close it's it's uh not
00:12:14
that far away but we're talking South North I need to know I I want to come to my own conclusion I could say Grand View
00:12:22
oh so it's not view is not far at all not that far at all I love shout out to gra view well well [ __ ] them well no not
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not not the yeah and [ __ ] you for saying that I like the people of Grand View I
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like the there's some good restaurants there Grand View not Grandville this is Grand View yeah okay
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often people get those uh confused so if there's not an officer that's available
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then I can just get in my toaster and go pay and I say why can't we do that now right uh no we have to check with
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them so he checks with them and guess what they have a officer available so they
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have to run me from South Columbus all the way up to this exit called Berliner which is like a
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million um softball fields MH and and at night it's a place where people go for [ __ ] and sucking mhm I should have
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told everybody this is like the most crude episode do no so it's just so we get we
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start driving and the guy is being nice to me my hands are cuffed in front of me
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it's not that uncomfortable right and I say okay we're going to meet them there we're going to meet the this
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police officer at this exit then we we have to exchange vehicles I get into the other cop car and then they're going to
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take me to the the police department I'm going to pay the fee and they're going to let me go now how do I get home you
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could call somebody or luckily I have Uber Today's Show is sponsored by Uber and so I say okay that's fine I can
00:14:08
Uber home so we get up to bur berlino where it has all the softball fields and there's the cop car and it's like this
00:14:16
ratty cop car like I'm going from this nice SUV to this kind of Ratty it's almost like this guy got like the short
00:14:24
he he drew straws and got the crappy car he's like the new guy on the force yeah
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and no I'm not give him the new guy car you know cops are fine whatever the fact
00:14:36
that this this cop was you know the my hometown cop was being nice and respectful the other cop was being nice
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and respectful too but we get out of the car and now he has to Pat me down mhm now look I
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can't one I think he was just patting me down cuz he wanted to cop a field that's
00:14:58
my opinion because we already had the other cop Pat me down the other cop is giving you a bag a brown bag of all my
00:15:07
crap MH my 3,000 you know things I had in my pocket I had some very embarrassing things in my
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pocket I'm going to go to bat for this officer though because if something were to
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happen if something were to happen and then he has to answer to his boss they're going to say well why didn't you
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Pat him down they're going to go well you know what I mean like the the the answer like when I
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used to be a manager I would hate the the answer of somebody going well so and so already did it well that doesn't that
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doesn't answer my question because I'm asking you why you didn't you know what I mean like it's kind of a cover your
00:15:45
ass thing yes I agree if the person is violent if the person is resisting arrest if the person has not been
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Cooperative the whole freaking time and you're going from you're going from one cop car to the other cop car to pay for
00:16:04
a traffic violation you know this is this is not somebody that has a warrant out for
00:16:10
their arrest that is violent that did like some hanous crime mhm this is a traffic violation that the
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person just didn't live I didn't live in the state so I actually got no notification that I didn't pay
00:16:27
right so he Pats me down and then he tries to put me in his cop car well the problem is I don't fit in the cop car so
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he I get like one foot in underneath like it's stuck my right foot is stuck I can't get my left leg in the car and
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he's trying to now he cuffed me with my hands behind my back which was very uncomfortable right and he's trying to
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push me over he keeps saying just lay down in the just down in the back and he's pushing me with all of his might
00:17:06
and all I can think is you got all these I don't want to lay down you know how many people vomit in the back of those
00:17:11
cars yeah and how many butts have been on these seats yeah and now now these are just plastic seats did you lay down
00:17:18
no I kept on going I don't fit I don't fit and at this point I'm struggling and he's like just get in the car he's like
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pushing my shoulder it's just very em it was also a little embarrassing that I if
00:17:32
you would put both of these individuals together I was bigger than both of them combined like it would be one of
00:17:40
those things like if you said hey $100 wrestling match could this guy take these two guys you'd go that might be a
00:17:50
fair fight right it's a little embarrassing for these police forces but so there I am he's trying to push me
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forward I get my leg up and then now my knee is stuck on the little cage glass area okay and I'm telling him just shut
00:18:09
the door just shut the door and it's it's kind of like when you have like groceries in your car and you have too
00:18:15
many groceries but you know it's like bread and stuff so you can just push it and all close yeah I'm just saying just
00:18:21
shut the door yeah like I'm I'm bendy I'm I'm fluffy well I'm not fluffy but this is also my knee but I just tell him
00:18:29
shut the door I want to get this over with so he goes to push it but he pushes it softly so it kind of bounces back and
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I just go slam the door so he slams the door takes his good you know good ass time getting into the car it is hotter
00:18:46
than a mother in this in this car and I am so uncomfortable and somehow because I'm in this like contorted state I'm
00:18:56
holding all my weight up by my right elbow and one of the C cuffs is digging into my right wrist and then for
00:19:04
whatever you got a bit of Drive ahead of you though don't you n it wasn't too bad
00:19:08
too but the problem was that it was cutting into my wrist I'm I'm all my weight is on my right elbow and my
00:19:15
knuckle for my left finger is like slammed it's like pinched somehow so if I move to the right my wrist is killing
00:19:23
me if I move to the left it feels like it literally felt like my finger was going to break off and so we only we
00:19:30
only get like a couple blocks and I tell the guy I don't know how much longer this is but I'm very
00:19:41
uncomfortable and I have a pretty good pain tolerance I mean I've had tattoos done you know I've broken bones
00:19:50
before this is very uncomfortable and it's super hot so if you're ever in a situation where where
00:19:58
you're trying to keep yourself up in a situation where it's super hot then I'm just dripping so all over this
00:20:07
car and then um every block he's like hitting bumps and it's just it feels like the skin of
00:20:17
my elbow is ripping off and I'm very very uncomfortable like to the point where I am now just
00:20:26
breathing if anybody's ever had like a tough workout and you start trying to control your breath that's what I was
00:20:33
doing cuz that's how uncomfortable I was and I told him I said look my pain tolerance is pretty high but I'm very
00:20:40
uncomfortable and I said to him multiple times I understand it's not your fault that I'm back in this that I'm in this
00:20:49
predicament I understand that but it was awful so then we pull into the uh the police Poli Department
00:20:59
he it's like he decided to go as slow as possible to back his car up instead of just pull in he decided to pull up and
00:21:09
back his car in super slow and then right before he gets out I go hey just to let you know I'm very uncomfortable
00:21:16
and then he like walks around the car and like he gets out of his car he could have got out of his car and instantly
00:21:23
opened the door for some reason he's like walking around his car and no clue why and then he tries to get me out and
00:21:33
we can't get me out you're stuck in a car stuck in the car in the cop car yeah he's like yeah just get out I'm like I
00:21:42
can't my leg's stuck so my legs stuck against the the seat in between you know one my body and and the little barricade
00:21:53
that they have mhm and then my other foot is stuck like I can't pull that one out to get some
00:22:01
leverage so I'm stuck so he has to go and get somebody else to help get me out of the
00:22:09
car I mean it was ridiculous and then so like we go and they wait let me ask you when he goes to
00:22:16
get somebody else does he leave the door open to the car or does he close the door with
00:22:22
you uh no because I think the door to the Department was open so I think he just kind of stepped back a little bit
00:22:31
and was like hey can you help me oh he didn't physically have to leave and go into the building and leave you out
00:22:36
there yeah and the funny thing was the guy that came to help us he was my size if not bigger and I thought he looked
00:22:43
like a detective and I thought this guy should be patrolling the streets not the
00:22:49
little guy right so he comes and they get me out and my my shirt is soaked I mean it looks like I jumped in a pool so
00:22:58
we get into the police department here's the thing that drove drove me nuts too they're asking for you know my driver's
00:23:04
license and they need my debit card and all that crap again it's not a violent crime
00:23:11
uncuff me mhm they kept me cuff through the whole process I get done they you know they walk me out to the
00:23:21
lobby that's when they uncuffed me they gave me back all my stuff and then I had
00:23:25
to hit the little button for the Uber and look again neither cop was trying to be a jackass actually my hometown cop
00:23:36
was I think he felt bad that he had to pull me over felt that he had to pull me over but he was he was being very
00:23:42
respectful and and the whole time it was yes sir no sir because I've been in [ __ ] I've been in some shitty
00:23:50
situations where once you kind of lose control of that you could be you saying one stupid thing or doing one stupid
00:23:58
thing look it was simple it was a simple mistake there was a traffic violation I
00:24:03
went to court for I didn't live in this state and I didn't I wasn't trying to duck this it was a very odd time in my
00:24:12
life I didn't even know that I didn't pay this thing right but if you don't yes sir and no sir this could become
00:24:20
worse or if the cops wanted to be dicks they could be more of dicks luckily on this day I had two cop s which they were
00:24:29
just trying to do my their job but again just cuff me in the front so we can get
00:24:33
in and out of the vehicle mhm I mean it's not again if if the the guy's bigger than you are and you're going to
00:24:41
have a hard time getting him in and out of a vehicle and it's a nonviolent crime and
00:24:48
the guy is being cooperative and saying yes or no cuff him in the front so he can get in and out of the co cop car and
00:24:55
it and it doesn't feel like it's breaking your back or breaking your shoulder I mean it's most uncomfortable
00:25:01
thing in the world like they should make well I was going to say they should make
00:25:06
handcuffs that fit larger people better but um so so the smaller people can just
00:25:12
slip right out of them well but it's funny cuz I hit Uber and anybody that knows anything about Uber is like you
00:25:17
have the the regular Uber that tells you 18 bucks to get home mhm and then there's there's a a Fe feature on Uber I
00:25:29
was joking this is not sponsored by Uber but the there's a feature on Uber where
00:25:34
you have Uber XL and you have to have a nicer car yep to to to drive for Uber XL
00:25:42
so I had the option of a Hyundai Hyundai ACC cord Hyundai Elantra or hyund well Honda
00:25:52
Accord Honda Accord or which is a nice car or uh Cadillac Escalade mhm which I'm going to have to
00:26:02
pay extra 15 bucks for but I thought well [ __ ] this you know so I went with the
00:26:10
Escalade and then I thought I wonder what the I mean the guy pulling up with the Escalade sees me mhm and I have a
00:26:19
brown paper bag you know I just was released and I just look the funny thing was I ran to the B Bank to unlock
00:26:30
because you know nothing about computers actually if you would have run to the bank none of this would have ever
00:26:36
happened you drove to the bank maybe I wouldn't be so big that I didn't fit in a cop car
00:26:42
but so I just went there it was but it was hilarious to me because here's this guy pulling up in
00:26:50
Escalade and and he he's this you know bigger guy with a brown paper bag and he probably thought what did he do mhm so I
00:26:59
thought like common curtsy I should just explain it to him so he's not like driving the whole time like freaked out
00:27:04
but it was a nice ride and the and I got back uh he went back to the bank the bank was closed at that point got got on
00:27:13
my toaster and I drove back home and then I uploaded the show for for Tuesday so I didn't miss it uh I wasn't late MH
00:27:22
you know but that was my uh that that that was the start of my week well I did successfully unlock the uh
00:27:33
account yeah the next morning and and after hearing your story I'm I'm glad to hear that you learned your lesson and
00:27:41
that you've seen the air of your ways and um you know well but here's what doesn't make any sense I'm new to having
00:27:49
a license technically that should have came up then when I called to get insurance they they ran they run a
00:27:58
background track then like this it it only didn't pop up and I've been pulled over before you
00:28:08
know where oh this guy thought I was speeding pulls me over doesn't give me a ticket shouldn't it come up then but I
00:28:16
think it's because it's such a small um you know Police Department that maybe it doesn't it only comes up and
00:28:23
this is kind of what my hometown cop was saying was well I'm probably only seeing
00:28:28
it because we're so close mhm so you're talking about years and years I mean this was almost 8 years ago so anyways
00:28:38
the the the fact of the matter is check to make sure you don't have a warrant out for your rest yeah and
00:28:45
Captain this is I just want to remind you this is all in the past now and today is a new day we're just going to
00:28:49
take it one day at a time buddy I'm never driving again this why I stopped driving in the first
00:28:56
place [Music] [Applause]