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NARRATOR: Tonight on
America's Dumbest Criminals-- what's this pup doing with pot?
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It's not just this dog
who's about to be collared. It's a soap dispenser,
it's a breathalyzer.
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It's law enforcement's
smartest new weapon in dealing with dumb crooks. And guess who this
thief is going
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to have to turn to for the
flood of problems he's facing? These are just some of
the deep problems that'll
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get washed ashore right here
on America's Dumbest Criminals. [theme music] NARRATOR: Now, welcome your
hosts for America's Dumbest
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Criminals, Daniel
Butler and Debbie Allen. -All right, you're
Debbie Allen, right?
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-Yes, Dan. We've been doing how
many shows together now? -No, no, no. The Debbie Allen?
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-Oh, well, I'm obviously not
the famous choreographer, if that's what you mean. But I guess I am one
of the Debbie Allens.
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Why do you have? -Well, because you put all
that stuff on your resume. Now, the lady tonight, we have
a case of mistaken identity
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that is absolutely idiotic. -Well, there's no
mistaking anything about our first
pair of criminals.
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They walked into a
bank in broad daylight with no masks and no guns. -Two strikes against
them right there.
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They were so brazen,
it's amazing. But everything catches
up to you in time, and they were caught on camera
and caught by the police.
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Take a look. -We had two bank robberies
here at Burlington, and these two bank robberies
occurred at the same bank
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on Maple Avenue, the
Central Carolina Bank. This guy enters the
bank, he comes in
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like a regular customer. He waits in line, and when it's
his turn to conduct his bank
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business, he jumps the counter. He pushes one of
the clerks back, and he grabs the cash
from the counter,
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jumps back over the
counter, and runs out. A couple of months later in
September, at the same bank,
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this individual
comes back to conduct some more bank business. Illegal, of course.
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He again jumps the counter,
opens the cash drawer, reaches in, grabs the money,
jumps back over the counter,
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and runs out the door. In both of these instances,
he did not have a weapon, he did not have a disguise.
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He wore the same
type of clothing. He entered the bank
and stood in line. Several individuals, bank
employees recognized him
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as the one that
robbed the bank twice on Maple Avenue
here in Burlington. These employees just
happened to be at the branch
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here on Lanelman Road. Everyone in the bank
decided to take off running. I pulled up in
front of the bank,
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this guy comes running
out the front door, and I shouted to the
individual, excuse me, sir?
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May I speak with you a moment? The gentleman started to
back up, and when he did,
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I brought my gun
around to my side, and once I did that, he
stopped, and I observed
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him urinate on himself,
and asked him to get down on the ground, at
which time he did.
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It was fantastic. Some of these people, if
they're going to do something like this, they
do it in this way,
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so my job is so much easier. -You gotta give our
next criminal credit. He had a daring
execution in mind.
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He planned to whoosh down from
the ceiling on a rappelling rope, steal some
computer equipment,
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and vanish without a trace. But his whoosh got smooshed
when he cut himself breaking in.
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Then he made a bloody
mess of things. -Ugh. Watch it, and you'll see
why he has earned a spot
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in the feature we call
Something To Remember Me By. -Basically, we had one
of our local gentleman
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that decided that he was
going to break into a store. Before doing this,
he basically watched
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"Mission Impossible,"
or something. He cut through a skylight. Before he actually
entered the building,
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he even told me that he even
dropped a box down to make sure that the area that he was
entering into wasn't an alarm.
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Lowers himself in
with a rope system. The store they broke into
was a computer store.
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He was going to steal
computers, and then hock them on the streets. He figured it was a
high resale value.
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As he lowers himself
down, he gets some major cuts on his arms. He starts looking
around the lower store,
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figures out that, well, most
of the items in the store were too heavy to
carry out by himself,
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because he lowered himself--
he was the only bad guy there. So after a couple
minutes, he opens up
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one of the secondary doors in
the store, sets off an alarm, scares the bejeebies
out of himself.
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Tries to climb out of the store. As he's climbing
out of the store, he drops his hat,
which is his work hat,
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and gets to the top
of the roof, and that's where he drops his pager. On the pager was his
home phone number.
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After all his hard work to
get into this crime scheme and everything, it turns out
that he got away with nothing,
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and we ended up catching
him in the long run. -When a drunk won't
listen to reason,
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a very savvy police officer
resorted to the surreal to convince him that he's
too tanked to drive a car.
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-She enlists the aid
of an unlikely crime fighting tool--
a soap dispenser. -Yes, a soap dispenser.
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Don't touch that dial. You're about see
a whole new take on the phrase clean and sober.
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-Actually, what
happened, it's been probably about 10 years ago. We had a drunk in
who was just yelling,
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banging, just would not stop. And every time
you'd go to look-- you've just got six
hours, go to sleep.
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No, I don't want go to sleep. I'm not drunk. Give me a test. He kept yelling for a test.
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And there's not a test
for drunk in public. So we said, look, there's
no test for drunk in public.
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You're just spending six
hours, and we'll let you go. No, I want a test. And he banged, and he yelled,
and it was a busy night.
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And it just went on and
on, and so finally somebody said, OK, I'll give you a test.
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So what they did
was they took over-- this is a soap dispenser. And this is what we
use to take, you know,
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for cleaning your hands. They took the soap dispenser
over to the drunk tank and just put it up to the
bar and said, OK, blow.
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And he blows, and he
blows, and he blows. And then he goes,
well, did I pass? And then the person says,
no, you're a point one oh.
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He goes, where? I don't see that. The person went-- point one oh. And that was it.
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He never yelled the
rest of the night. NARRATOR: In Pittsburgh,
it is illegal to sleep
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in a refrigerator. -Illegal and dangerous. You wouldn't get
much sleep, anyway. The ice maker would
keep waking you up, huh?
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What can we say? Well, while the cat's
away, the mouse will play. And while the
homeowners are away,
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the cat burglars
will come to play. Or maybe just haul
off all your stuff. But that's not the way
these crooks saw it at all.
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Their stunningly stupid
comeback to police questioning earned its place among
America's Dumbest Excuses.
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-I had responded to a burglary
in progress complaint, and as I arrived
in the subdivision,
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there was a truck coming
out of the subdivision. It was a pickup
truck, and it was
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completely loaded up to the top. And people were actually
sitting on top of property,
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such as air conditionings
and furnishing items, and coffee tables strewn
all over the place.
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So I stopped the vehicle and
I walked up to the driver, and I said, I got several
questions for you, buddy.
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He says, what's that, officer? I said, do you own this stuff? He said, I'll be
truthful with you.
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He says, you're not gonna
believe this, but me and my friends, we were
walking right past the home,
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and we were talking
about how hot it is, and the air conditioning unit
fell right out of the window.
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And we caught it. We kept it from getting damaged. And we all looked at other,
and we were wondering,
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why in the world would
an air conditioner just fall right out? So we went around and we
noticed that no one was home.
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We figured they're on vacation. We said, well, someone's
going to come in here and steal everything.
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So we went ahead and got
everything, and loaded it down. And then when they
were going to get back,
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we were going to bring
it all back to them. Now that's dumb. -They never cease to
amaze us, do they, Daniel?
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-No. And it's a good thing
for us, because it makes for job security. It's good to be
gainfully employed.
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And speaking of
personal finances, we're about to watch
someone dropping millions.
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No, I'm not talking about
Debbie going for a weekly visit to The Pottery Barn, I'm
talking about bales and bales
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of cocaine, which are about
to learn how to water ski. Witness what happens when
the Coast Guard starts
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to make waves with
drug traffickers. NARRATOR: It's the
fortune that never was. When the US Coast Guard
confiscated these 71 bales
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of cocaine, the total
weight was 3,905 lbs. We could be talking real money. -At $100 a gram, we're
estimating $140 million.
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NARRATOR: So how did the Coast
Guard know these innocent looking boaters were
drug traffickers?
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Maybe because most folks don't
start throwing things overboard when they see a coast
guard helicopter.
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-They realized that the jig
was up, and they headed south. NARRATOR: The drug
traffickers got away,
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but the cocaine was seized. So, what happens to the
$140 million heist now? Hear it and weep, you bad guys.
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-Because we're not
gonna be able to pursue any kind of prosecution, this
is just taken to an incinerator
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and burned. -Well, it's said the dog
is man's best friend, but is the opposite also true?
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Is man dog's best friend? If that's the case, the
pooch in this next story needs to expand his
circle of companions
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beyond the curs in
his acquaintance. Let's see what
I'm talking about. -Well, a while back we were
doing an interdiction program,
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and we were out on the
highway doing drug stops. We came across a car
that we had pulled over,
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and it was occupied
by two guys and a dog. The story was that
they're two brothers,
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and the dog is
the seeing eye dog of the blind brother,
who was the passenger. Well, we get him out
of the car, and we're
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talking with the driver. Just general conversation. We got to the point
where we were asking him
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if he had any weapons in the
car, and he said no, sir. No weapons. It got to the point
where we asked him
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if he had any dangerous
drugs in the car. -No. No. -Any contraband? -No. No. -So I looked him
right in the eye
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and asked him if he had
any marijuana in the car. Do you have any marijuana? -No!
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-Hey, man. OK, you're turning
a little white. And then he went unconscious and
slid right down to the ground.
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Went right over the
bumper of the car. Well, that was an
indicator to us that we did have marijuana
present in the car.
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-What's going on with my friend? -He just kind of-- -And as we did
this, the brother,
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sensing some problem,
says, what's going on? What's wrong?
-That's good. Yes. Yes, I'm blind.
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-Said that your
brother, when asked if he had marijuana in
the car, passed out. But he's OK.
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He said, well that's
good, because we don't have any marijuana. We haven't used that.
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-We don't do that kind of stuff. -After we got the
driver revived, we asked the passenger
for some identification.
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-Let me see your
driver's license. -OK. -He pulls out a valid
driver's license, which I think is
kind of strange.
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A blind man with a
valid driver's license. And as he does it,
he knocks some change
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out onto the ground. And another strange
thing happens. He's able to pick up
two quarters and a dime
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off the ground. -So you're blind, huh? -Yes, sir. -Then why did you just pick
up those coins like that?
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And the driver's license? -Perception. I was able to hear--
hear them hit the ground.
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I've grown very attuned to that. -I think the joke was on
them, because we had them
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made for transporting
narcotics, and eventually found 25 kilos of marijuana
stashed inside a large, 50 lb
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bag of dog food, which was
for the seeing eye dog. -There's-- we're OK. -I don't think that
you're telling the truth.
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-No? -It's pretty dumb
that they think they can pull something
like that off. I think the smartest one
of the three was the dog.
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-Coming up later, a crook gets
the wrong number of a lifetime. But now, the news that
you can use to vouch
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for your whereabouts , here's
Daniel with ADC Headlines. -A Drug Enforcement
Administration agent in El Paso
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was making a last minute
inspection of the home he was selling when he found some
boxes the new owner had
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already stashed in the closet. And what a stash it
was-- 415 lbs of cocaine. Well, obviously it
sort of messed up
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the plans for the new
buyer's housewarming party, but hey, it's illegal. To get a convenience
store clerk in West Haven,
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Connecticut to open
the cash drawer, a robber presented a $1.00
bill to pay for a pack of gum,
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then he grabbed $40 from the
register and ran with it. But he was back a minute later
to ask, did I pay for that gum?
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At that moment,
the police arrived, who will help him pay for
the dumb, as well as the gum.
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Now, here's a robber
who didn't want to get more credit
than he deserved. He robbed a store of $5,000,
but the local newspaper
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reported the take at $7,000. Now suspicious that the
manager might have pocketed
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that extra $2,000, he
called the newspaper to set things straight. Now, while their staff
kept him on the phone,
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police officers traced
the call and arrived before he had
finished his tirade. -Well, that closes the file
on ADC Headlines, news ripped
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from somewhere near the back
of your local newspaper. Debbie? -Some crooks go out with a
bang, but this one goes out
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with a splash, and maybe a
little dog paddling, too. Here's the irony drenched
story of a man who's
00:14:41
definitely in a sink
or swim situation. NARRATOR: Before he could be
arrested, he had to be rescued.
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This customer told
the car dealer he was taking the
vehicle for a test drive, but actually he was
just taking the car.
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When police cornered
him in a nearby park, he did what anybody
would do in winter--
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he jumped in the river. -The police pulled up beside him
down there on the bicycle path
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with a car, and he
took off running. And we recovered
the car. you know, we got the car back last night.
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NARRATOR: Freezing rain and
rushing water not only flushed him out, but he lost most of
his clothes in the process.
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He was stripped of his dignity,
but he got a free ride home. Hopefully the next time he
decides to imitate Butch
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Cassidy and the Sundance
Kid, he'll wait for summer. -OK. Our next story is
a real hot potato,
00:15:32
when a crook tries to
act cool as a cucumber, but finally spills
the beans, causing
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a police officer to
squash his plans. Well, enough vegetables. On with the video.
00:15:42
It's the telling feature
we call I'm Where? You're Who!?! -Our narcotics detective goes
to arrest this man for narcotics
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violations, and when they do
that, he flees in his vehicle. -We start chasing him, chasing
him over into Oklahoma.
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I think we got up to the
100, 110 mile an hour chase. We finally lost him. -An informant calls one of
our detectives and says,
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hey, I just talked to the bad
guy you guys were chasing, and he told me that while
you all were chasing him,
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he threw his drugs
out the window. And he told our detective
where he threw them out.
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When I got home
later that morning, there were approximately--
probably eight messages
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on my answering machine. -Jamie Hammond called
me and told me, you're not gonna believe
this, but the guy
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that you were chasing last
night, asking me about just called my house
and left a message
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on my answering machine. -And the messages were from
a guy who says-- he says, hey, Mike, it's me.
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I'm out here looking for this
stuff, but I can't find it. And another one, kind
of the same thing.
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Hey Mike, it's me again. I'm freezing. Come out here and help
me look for this stuff.
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One of of the messages,
he said hey, Mike, it's not cool to make
fun of the police
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like that on your
answering machine. Call me when you get home. When I recorded the greeting
I used some James Bond music,
00:17:04
and then I said
that I wasn't home, I was out chasing bad guys. So anybody who would
call would realize
00:17:10
that it was a policeman
who lived there. Surely this guy's not talking
about what I think he's talking
00:17:15
about, so I call the narcotics
detective, let him listen. He said, he's one
of the guys who
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we were going to arrest
with this other guy. On the last message he said
something about meet us
00:17:23
at the Motel 6 and we'll
take care of this stuff. -Apparently he thought he
was talking to his buddy,
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telling him to come
on over to the motel. He gave the room number,
phone number, and everything.
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-When he was calling the
bad guy, when he thought he was calling the bad guy,
he'd reversed one of the numbers
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at the end. That's why he was
calling me thinking he was calling the other guy. So if you'd have called anybody
except for me or Binyon,
00:17:44
no one would have known
what he was talking about. -I really love it when they call
and tell me where they're at,
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and their motel room number
and their phone number, and I can just go pick them up.
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Makes it a lot easier. -Now he's got a new number. -Like moths drawn to a light.
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Like metal drawn to magnets. Like-- -Bugs drawn to windshields. -Aw, thanks. So much for my
dramatic introduction.
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-Well, it seemed
more appropriate. The insect thing. -I guess so. Whatever metaphor
you prefer, here's
00:18:24
the story of crooks who seem
irresistibly drawn to police. -I had the opportunity to
meet a pretty dumb robbery
00:18:33
suspect one time,
one Sunday morning. Myself and Officer Landon
was parked across the street,
00:18:39
and there's a Texaco station
right across the street. And while we were
sitting there talking,
00:18:44
the dispatch had come out and
said that there was a robbery in progress at the
Texaco, and he'd
00:18:48
be driving a black Ford Ranger. Robbed it with a handgun. I said, OK. So we're like, 100 yard
across the street from it.
00:18:55
And we look up, and
he's the black truck. He's pulling out,
and makes a u-turn, and we just wait
until he'd pulled out,
00:19:00
and we'd get in behind
him and stop him. He tried to run from
us, but we blocked
00:19:04
him in, and get him out. And after it was all
over, I asked him, I said, next time you
plan on robbing something,
00:19:10
just look across
the street and make sure there ain't no patrol car. -I love his accent.
00:19:14
Where's he from? -Think he's from down
there with mom and them. You know? -Mom and them?
00:19:19
-Down there where mom
and them come from. Well, our time is up, so I
think I'll go to the restroom
00:19:23
and make some breathalyzers. -I hope you have fun. My armored car is waiting
outside, so I've gotta--
00:19:28
-Oh, yeah.
Help you. We hope you had some
fun at home, too. Count on us to be back
here again next week
00:19:33
with more things that
make you go, huh? -And if you've got
a lead on a story, or you just can't wait till next
week for more state of the art
00:19:40
stupidity, visit our website
at www.dumbcrimes.com. -Before we go, we'd
like to take a moment
00:19:47
to express our appreciation to
the law enforcement officers, both the people you met
on the show tonight,
00:19:52
and all the unsung heroes who
patrol our streets each day. It's a tough job,
and you do it well.
00:19:58
-As always, we
hope that we've all learned from others' mistakes. -But if you haven't, we
might see you next week
00:20:03
on America's Dumbest Criminals. -Goodbye.