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-Hi, I'm Daniel Butler
welcome to another edition of "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
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[theme music] NARRATOR: A this episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals." -Woof! Woof!
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NARRATOR: A couple of
kids have a counter-fit. [crash] A man enjoys his
room with a view.
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[siren blaring] Cops play a little
"Follow the Lower." -I just took zeros and
pasted on a $1 bill.
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NARRATOR: A woman shares
her arts and crafts secrets. -You're guilty. [gavel bangs]
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NARRATOR: All this
and more, coming up on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -Stop or I'll shoot.
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Bang! NARRATOR: Here's your
host, Daniel Butler. -When most of us think of
getting away from it all,
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we think of drinking Mai Tais
on some remote tropical island or taking a cruise
around the world--
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or perhaps setting up a hammock
in a communications tower, about 300 feet off the ground.
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This is exactly
why you were told to read the fine print of
any budget vacation package.
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This guy did get a
room with a view, but his hammock was
quickly traded in for bunk beds and
bars on his window.
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However, the exercise yard is
a great place to meet people. [music playing] -Some kids think that they
can get away with anything
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and that they're smarter than
the adults who supervise them. That isn't always the case.
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A rebellious runt
in St. Paul decided that he would take a little
joyride in a stolen car.
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Officers chased him
for quite a ways until he pulled over and
jumped out of the vehicle.
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The officer doubted that
he could catch the kid and decided to try
something on a whim.
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-Stop! Stop, or I'll shoot! Bang! -Oh, man! Stop shooting, man! DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
The officer tried his best
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not to shoot off
his mouth to the kid again as they took a little
joyride to the station
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in his cruiser. [music playing] -Officers Pace and Dias were
called in on an armed robbery
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which had just taken place
at a local gas station. Since the thief had just
left the scene of the crime,
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and a very detailed description
of the thief and his motorcycle was given, it wasn't hard
for the police to spot him.
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As they suspected, he had
headed for the freeway. -So I just, you know,
give it the gas,
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and-- and I catch up
to this motorcycle, and it's just-- you
know, the description
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is a black jacket
and black helmet. And then I line him up
with the lights for a stop,
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and that's when
he just takes off. -The foolish fugitive
gets off the freeway and, hoping to lose
Dias, hops the curb.
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But he doesn't make it. -At that time, we-- we stop
right there where the bike is.
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There's money flying
everywhere and there's a ski mask
on the ground. So I'm thinking, hey, this
looks like the right guy.
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We chase this guy on the
freeway, around this one tree, and finally we end up jumping
him and getting on top of him.
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-Put your hands
behind your back. -And I asked Steve here to go
ahead and bring the witness.
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-We get the clerk. I bring him on down. On the way down there,
I'm telling him, hey, you know, this may
or may not be the guy.
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You know, take your time. You know, just take
a good look at him. And they pull the
guy, the crook, out
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of Officer Dias's car
and set him there. I light him up
with my spotlight, and the clerk tells me-- he
just kind of drops his head
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and says, "Yeah, we
were in on it together." He says, "That's my friend." I pat-searched him down.
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He had a big roll of
$20s in his pocket, which was part of
the theft, as well. -And he picked up
the phone and called
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911 as soon as his friend left. -The guy still must've
been in the driveway when he was picking
up the phone,
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because it was that quick. -I'm sure his buddy
was a little upset. They're probably not
even friends anymore.
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[music playing] -The police are on your tail. No matter what, you
can't lose them.
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Where does a genius
in a getaway car go? [tires screeching] It started with a bank robbery
in Durham, North Carolina,
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with police in hot pursuit. -Unit Alpha 31,
pursuit continuing. We're going out to
Circle J Ranch Road.
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Green Camaro. 3, Victor, Echo, Papa, 744. [tires screeching] [sirens blaring] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
When it looked
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like he was about to be
caught, our dumb driver turned into a precinct
parking garage.
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-Alpha 31, he's now entering
the underground parking structure, number B. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Even
if we hadn't robbed the bank,
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he would have been ticketed for
illegal parking and operating heavy machinery
without his brain.
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OFFICER: (SHOUTING) I
want to see your hands! Put your hands in the air! Stick 'em out the
window, both hands.
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Don't move. NARRATOR: And now,
"Crimes of the Weak" with Daniel Butler
and Beaumont Bacon.
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-I'm Daniel Butler, and
this is Beaumont Bacon-- but we call her Buttercup. -[inaudible].
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Hello, Daniel. -You're blooming. -Hi, Daniel. -A couple in
Montgomery, Alabama, didn't think that anything
was wrong when their dog began
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barking around 2:00 AM-- until
they woke up the next morning and found a burglar
asleep on the floor
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in their spare bedroom--
-[snores and whistles] -Surrounded by many of
their personal belongings.
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-[snores and whistles] -Well, after police
arrived, they found out that the man
had been drinking heavily
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and broke in through
a window, claiming that he was in his house. -Now-- now if those other
people would only move,
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it would be his house. DANIEL BUTLER: It would. Well, they did. They moved him into his own
cell a few minutes later.
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-Well, the guy in my next story
also had a very rude awakening. A Colorado resident was
found wandering the side
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of the highway, holding
a live diamondback rattlesnake at arm's length. -Oh, just taking it for a walk.
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-Like there's any
other way to hold a live diamondback rattlesnake. It's the boa.
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It's the little
boa thing, there. He claimed he had been bitten
while walking down the highway.
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But upon further
questioning, the man broke down and admitted
to having driven his car
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off the road and
into a huge ravine. -I take it this man was
not stone cold sober.
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-(LAUGHING) No. More like stone cold stupid. When the car stopped
rolling, he crawled out
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and hoped to get some distance
between himself and the car. You see, he'd already been
arrested once before on a DUI.
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DANIEL BUTLER: Mmm. -He got about 500 yards away and
he decided that he would just
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go to sleep and sleep
off that buzz he had. Unfortunately, he was not
alone, and upon awakening
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he rolled right
into a rattlesnake. DANIEL BUTLER: Ooh,
talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
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Ouch. Well, that brings us to
the Vidiot of the Week. -From all the stories--
-All the stories.
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-We received this week.
-This week. -Every one of them--
this is our favorite. A retired court clerk
in New York City
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attempted to open
up a charge account using a million-dollar bill. [whistles] -The problem is, there
is no such thing.
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-Ma'am, where did you get a
million-dollar banknote from? -I made it. JUDGE: Would you care
to share your secret?
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-Oh, um, I just took zeroes
and pasted it on a $1 bill and then ran it
through a color copier.
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-Ma'am, you made 194 more
bills as well, I understand. -It-- it's a hobby. -Ma'am, are you aware that
the US government does not
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make million-dollar banknotes? Furthermore, it is illegal
to make your own money.
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-Um, Your Honor, um, I think
in this case, it is legal. -You're guilty. -The clueless crook
was convicted of fraud
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and quickly lost her
instant millionaire status. -Where's Ed McMahon
when you need him?
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-Hey. -Showing up with flowers-- -He's doing a sitcom. -And a-- oh, he is? -Yeah, with Tom Arnold.
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-Good for Ed. -Beats going to door to door. [music playing] -In all the stories
that I've heard,
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none have been more
bizarre than the following. A prisoner at a Mississippi jail
slipped out of the kitchen door
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one Saturday night to
go see his girlfriend. His plan was foolproof. All he had to do was jam
the door open with paper,
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and he could slip
back in unnoticed without risking his
upcoming parole. That may have worked, if the
wardens hadn't found the paper
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and blocked his return route. -Hey, guys, let me in! [knock] Come on! I want to get in?
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Well,
he went back to his girlfriend and called the prison himself.
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"Hello? Yeah, is this the warden? Hey-- hey, Warden, you're
not going to believe this,
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but I can't get back in. [laughs] No." And actually, they were more
than happy to oblige him.
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[music playing] Research has recently proven
that taking a quick cat nap during a long
workday can produce
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a variety of positive physical
and psychological benefits to many workaholics. This dumb criminal decided
to test that theory.
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Officers in Dallas
arrived at a residence that had been
recently burglarized. The distraught woman
had no idea who
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might have done such a thing. The officer happened
to notice a van parked on the street in front
of her neighbor's house
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and asked the woman
if she recognized it. She said no. Officers went over
to the van and found
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the driver sound
asleep at the wheel. They also noticed many of the
household items all around him.
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[snoring] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
He had evidently worn himself out robbing the
house and fell asleep
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before he could drive away. However, the nap
did refresh him, and he had all the energy
he needed to fill out
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his paperwork down
at the station, with just enough
zip left over to get into the top bunk of his cell.
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Police responded to
a rather unusual call of a convenience store holdup. It was an armed robbery,
and two suspects
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had been shot,
apparently by each other. Sources revealed that three
teenagers suddenly pulled out
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guns and told the cashier
to hit the ground. He was not going to argue. -Give me the money.
Give me the money.
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-Get down! -Get it all. Get it all. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): Then-- [gunshot] [gunshot]
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He heard two shots. Somehow the armed eggheads had
managed to shoot each other. Both were hit in the right leg,
and the second in the hands,
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as well. Bleeding and cursing
their good aim, they grabbed money from
the register and fled.
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About an hour later,
police received a call from the local hospital, saying
the two teens had been brought
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in with bullet wounds, allegedly
from a drive-by shooting. Needless to say,
Scary Hurley, and Bo
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were quickly arrested
and put in separate cells so they couldn't do
any further damage
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to each other while
waiting for their trial. [music playing] Everyone knows you should stay
away from the powdered white
00:10:49
substance that was stolen
in this next segment. But some people are
powerless in its grip.
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It's a popular
water-soluble compound whose street name is sugar. This detective and his partner
on the Athens, Georgia Police
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Department were
investigating a break-in at a local elementary
school's lunchroom
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when they found the sweetest
clue in the history of the job. -What do you think?
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OFFICER: Looks like sugar to me. -Looks like sugar to me. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
A 50-pound bag
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of sugar was missing
from the cafeteria. But the police felt
confident that they
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were equal to the task
of catching the culprits and didn't think
they'd have to search
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"sweet and low" for them. -Know something? You got the right
to remain hyper. -We didn't do anything.
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We're innocent. It's your fault. -It's your fault. -Yes, you can catch
more flies with honey,
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especially if the
flies stole the honey. [music playing] So you think you're going
to get away, do you?
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Would you believe I'm sending
in a SWAT team to get you? Would you believe I'm sending
in a backup unit to get you?
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Would you believe I'm sending
in my partner to get you? Would you believe I'm
sending in my dog to get you?
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-Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! -Come on out! Our dog's here. He's gonna bite you. You better come out now.
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Keep your hands out
in front of you. -Just keep the dogs away, man. -Would you believe you're one
of America's dumbest criminals?
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[music playing] Officer Pat Worrell tells us
of an introduction to rudeness resulting in an
arrest for stupidity.
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He was caught behind
a driver stopped in the middle of the traffic
lane at a shopping mall.
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The man was carrying
on a conversation with his girlfriend
in the car ahead. Officer Worrell and his
friend waited a few moments
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before letting the driver know
he was holding up traffic. -Finally my friend honked
his horn at him and, uh,
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the guy turned around and-- and
told us where we could stick the horn, and the he was
gonna-- he was gonna hurt us
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if we didn't just
leave him alone. And so finally, I just
got out of the car and I started walking
up towards him,
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was going to have a discussion
with what is your problem? And just as I'm getting there,
he reaches up over the sun
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visor and pulls out a
big, long hunting knife, you know, and he's
hanging out the window,
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saying, "You want some of this? Come on, get this. Get this." So I just reached under
my shirt and pull out
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my off-duty weapon,
and told him-- I said, "You know, you
better put that knife away,
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'cause you done brought
a knife to a gun fight." He-- he looked at my gun
and he looked at his knife,
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and then he looked at
his knife and my gun, and finally he put it away. And I told him, "Look,
you're under arrest."
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I identified myself
and arrested him. -Since he was off
duty, Officer Worrell told the arresting officer
to take his prisoner down
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to the station and cuff him
outside the captain's bench. He went home, changed, and
then headed back to the station
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to book the bozo. However-- -When I got there, I
asked the captain-- because the bench
was empty-- you
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know, "Where's my prisoner?" And he told me that they had
taken him back to Narcotics.
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And I said, "What happened?" He said, "Well, when the
other officer was inventorying
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the car, they found these
three pills in the glove box. And they asked this
kid what it was,
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and he told them
it was mescaline. -Evidently the prisoner had
boasted about how he had just
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gotten a great deal
on some mescaline and was very irate
that the officers had taken the three
pills from his car.
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A narcotics expert analyzed
them, then went back to the prisoner and made a
rather unusual proposition.
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And he says, "Well, I'll tell
you what I want you to do." He says, "You take this pill.
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I'm gonna give it back to you. And you take it home and you
put it in a glass of milk.
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That makes a very,
very nice drink. It's called chocolate milk." He had bought Nestle's
Quik in a tablet.
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[laughter] -You know? So-- so at least he
was lucky enough not to get charged with
narcotics, because all he had
00:14:39
was Nestle's Quik. [laughter] -This dumb criminal takes the
phrase "sleeping on the job"
00:14:46
to a whole new level. An officer in Port
Orchard, Washington received a call about a man
sleeping in a citizen's truck.
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The man woke up when
the officer opened the door to question him. -Sir? MAN: What?
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-Why don't you come on out? MAN: For what? -Come on out, sir. Is this your truck?
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MAN: Yes, it is my truck. -Why don't you come on out? Step outside. MAN: Can't a man sleep?
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-No. Is that your cell phone? -Yes. -Here's a checkbook. Does this checkbook
belong to you?
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MAN: Yes. -You're under arrest. -Sure enough, it
had the caller's name and address on the checks.
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The guy was arrested and put in
the back of the cruiser, where he promptly fell asleep
again-- with visions
00:15:25
of prison dancing in his head. [music playing] Cops spend most of
their time driving
00:15:34
around, looking
for dumb criminals. But once in a great
while, the dumb criminal
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finds them-- as this
officer found out. An off-duty police
officer was sitting on the steps of his
building one day
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relaxing when a guy comes up
and asked him for a favor. The slime-stein didn't
want spare change.
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He didn't want directions. What he did want was for the
officer to watch for the cops
00:15:57
while he broke into cars. The officer said, "OK,"
and watched in amazement as the dunce went
about his business.
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As soon as Beavis slid out
of the car with the radio, the officer slid
the cuffs on him
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and asked him to watch
for the cops this time. After all, one favor
deserves another.
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[music playing] This next surveillance
tape shows a group of kids who should have
eaten their spinach
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before they went to work. While one person
watched the door, the other two ran into
the store and immediately
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went behind the
counter to the safe and attempted to
swing it over the top. [clank]
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However, the 500-pound
safe was a little too heavy for the guys, who
accidentally knocked
00:16:42
the entire counter
to the ground. [crash] They frantically grabbed the
safe again and headed out
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to their waiting car--
which is where they were caught a few minutes later. They are now
safe-ly behind bars.
00:16:54
[music playing] -Well, our bungling buffet is
now closing, but please join us next week as we serve up
another heaping helping
00:17:05
of hapless hoodlums, here on
"America's Dumbest Criminals." NARRATOR: On the next episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:17:13
[thud] A drunk does some
local landscaping. DRUNK: Nah, I was just
going the liquor store.
00:17:18
I was just gonna get a beer! [siren blaring] NARRATOR: A crook takes
an unusual pit stop.
00:17:26
A burglar dresses for success. A suspect gets the
last word in court. -Now who's stupid?
00:17:36
NARRATOR: All this and
more on the next episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals.
00:17:41
-I do recall a traffic stop
one time, many years ago. I stopped this lady, and
I think for speeding.
00:17:47
I don't recall. It's probably been 25 years ago. And I stopped her,
and I went up,
00:17:54
and she rolled her window down. And I asked for her
driver's license and informed her why
she'd been stopped.
00:18:01
And she had a small child
with her, probably five or so. And that was in the days prior
to-- everybody absolutely
00:18:09
had to buckled up all the time. And her son was standing on
the floorboard in the back seat
00:18:15
with arms up over the
seat, up near the window, so he could hear. And I was talking to
this lady and telling her
00:18:23
what she had done,
and that I was going to issue her a citation. And this kid come about
halfway out that window
00:18:30
and he started
screaming and hollering at me about, "You better
leave my mommy alone
00:18:34
or I'm gonna fight
you," and this and that. And I finally said,
"Look, lady, just--
00:18:38
just go, but just slow down. And pull him back
inside, you know? [laughter] It just was not
worth the grief, you
00:18:44
know, being attacked
by a five-year-old. [theme music] [music playing]