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hi i'm daniel butler welcome to another edition of america's dumbest criminals
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[Music] coming up on america's dumbest criminal the reason you're driving so fast is
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because you're running out of gas oh no i should have half ten a halloween hoodlum picks the wrong
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clerk to hold up an arguing couple lets a cop settle their differences a bank robber gets robbed himself during
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his getaway a crook gets caught with the goods after a car accident all this and
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more coming up on america's dumbest criminal wait hold on here's your host
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daniel butler on halloween night a female clerk at a convenience store had a close encounter of the spooky kind a
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guy in a costume approached the counter and pointed a small gun at her she thought it was a toy gun and attempted
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to play along with the masked [ __ ] telling him that she didn't have any money to give no money the ghoul then
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shoved his gun through the counter tray and demanded the money still not believing that it was real the
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clerk grabbed hold of the gun and told him that he shouldn't be playing around
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like this that's when the goon realized that his hand was stuck and tried to convince the
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clerk to let go she didn't so he released the gun and left so instead of getting a treat on
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halloween this dumb criminal ended up getting tricked instead an off-duty officer in meridian
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connecticut stopped by a coffee shop on his way home one night and picked up a lot more than he had bargained for
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while waiting in a booth for his order the officer noticed a guy enter the store carrying a stack of new sweaters
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he walked over to the officer who noticed that one of the sweaters had a 125 dollar price tag on it
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[Music] the officer said he might be interested and pretended to reach for his wallet
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the clever klepto was more than a little surprised when the officer didn't pull
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out his wallet but instead showed his badge he quickly arrested the log and his shifty chaperone who was waiting outside
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in the car they were both charged with robbery and attempting to pull the wool over an
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officer's eyes that old saying do unto others as you would have them do unto you isn't known
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as being part of a crook's moral code this dumb criminal got a dose of his own
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medicine one day didn't like it one bit in upstate new york a man robbed a local
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bank and ran away with around two thousand dollars however during his mad dash away from the scene of the crime he
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encountered a little problem a car drove up and the driver mugged the bank robber at gunpoint stealing all of
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his newfound fortune outraged the ripped off robber called the police admitted to the robbery and
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insisted that they catch the guy who had just grabbed his gotten goods unfortunately the mugger was not caught
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and our pitiful poacher was charged with robbery possession of stolen property and possession of a handgun
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the court did unto him as they do unto all dumb bank robbers they sent him to jail
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officer smiley of missouri city texas had broken up a domestic disturbance between a local exotic dancer and her
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boyfriend about an hour later he pulled over a car for speeding and was surprised to see that it was the exotic
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dancer again and i walked up to the car and it was her and she was sitting there
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naked with her clothes piled up in the seat next to her and being the professional officer and
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gentleman that i am well i stepped back from the car and i told her to put her pants on
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and put her clothes on and so she did she opened the door she stepped out and slid into these tight blue jeans right
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in the middle of the traffic intersection there caused a major accident which we had to
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work in i wonder if that kind of thing is covered under most insurance plans i'm daniel butler and this is the
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loquacious beaumont bacon for hello daniel yes an officer and his partner stopped a car with two teenagers
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in it for driving through a stop sign as a rule they also made a practice of asking people especially kids if they
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knew why they were pulled over oh i bet they get quite a few interesting answers
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when they ask that question you're not kidding when he went to the driver and
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asked him if he knew why he had been stopped the passenger immediately chimed in with a smile and said because we were
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smoking pot when the officer shined his light in the car he saw a bag of pot and a couple of
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joints which is exactly where the kids were put while they waited for their parents to come pick them up
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oh kids do the darndest things don't they show one up [Music] like this next guy he was in the middle
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of robbing a house when he noticed a video game on the television and decided to sit right down and play the gosh darn
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thing just for a few minutes i've never known anyone to play a video game for
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just a few minutes oh well you're right he was so engrossed in his game that he
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didn't even notice the owner of the home come in and see him playing the game and
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then call the police my boys get like that during baywatch one of my talks he was surrounded by the owner's personal
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belongings and still playing the game when the police got there and then actually asked them if they could arrest
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him in just a few minutes because he was so close to winning ah probably high score of the day nice for the day a
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perfect lead into our video of the week an officer in birmingham alabama responded to a burglary call at a
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neighborhood convenience store when she looked through the window she noticed a guy ransacking the shelves the guy heard
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her coming in and quickly ran into the nearest walk-in cooler the officer pretended not to see him and got close
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enough to accidentally lock the cooler door then took plenty of time to check out the rest of the store get a cup of
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coffee call in the report while the crook cooled off he was put on ice to the chauffeur the man looked just
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like any other of his wealthy clients he was smooth articulate obviously very wealthy
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so it wasn't unusual for the chauffeur to stop at the bank for a business appointment
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however he robbed the bank and needed hostages for his getaway the limo driver believed them to be business associates
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until the man insisted that the women be dropped off by the side of the road then the driver was ordered back to the
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limo company see the man had parked his favorite old pickup truck back at the limo company
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and went back to get it before leaving the country the chauffeur thought it's strange that
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the man opened up a briefcase full of neatly stacked hundred-dollar bills and tipped him with one of said bills
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that's when he realized he had been the getaway driver in what could have been
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the perfect crime the driver quickly tipped off the police who arrested mr howell before he was
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able to start his three-hour tour here's the story of a crook who had all the right tools except one
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his brain an officer answered a call from a man who had been robbed of a bag of tools
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out of the back of his truck while he was inside a store as the officer was taking the report there was a loud crash
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around the corner he discovered a car accident had just occurred and attempted to calm the
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drivers until he could finish his previous report just then the victim of the theft
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noticed his bag of tools in the trunk of one of the cars involved in the accident
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well needless to say the tool time squirrel was quickly arrested and put into the slammer with the rest of the
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nuts for the women metal detectors only metal will set them off that's why they're called
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metal detectors not drug detectors see i'm surprised this detector wasn't
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set off by the nuts and bolts in this doper's head the guy walked into the courthouse and
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made his way past all the warning signs and proceeded through the detector when what do you have right over here
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oh um just some keys and uh white grasses white crosses what is what is that oh now they have foundations
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vitamins turn around put your hands behind your back you're under arrest for possession of
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illegal narcotics when asked why he revealed his stash which would not have set off the alarm
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he replied i wasn't thinking one of the many aspects of a police officer's job is keeping the peace
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however this dumb criminal should have forever held his an officer was finishing his lunch in
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his cruiser when he noticed a man and woman arguing in front of his car hey hey hey what's the problem here what's
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the problem here what's going on this year here's my license i wanted in texas
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i got a warranty list i can't i can't i don't even wanna wanna texas go check it
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out okay hang on a second here just hey hey calm down hang on a second i'll check
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the surprised officer checked it out but couldn't find anything uh there's
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nothing on your record you're not wanted anywhere what you sure yeah that's not
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right oh really nothing on your record huh yeah you didn't even give him your real name
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did you did you look under kenny eckles sure enough they ran the name that she gave them and it turned out that the man
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was wanted in texas for parole violation under another name he had obviously just intended to scare
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his girlfriend into thinking he was going to leave her which she actually did you know what they say
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be careful what you ask for [Music] an officer from lakeland ohio was called to take a report of a theft from a
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vehicle the crook had made off with cigarettes a stereo system less than ten dollars in
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cash and a checkbook the owner of the checkbook alerted his local bank hoping that the goon would be dumb enough to
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use the stolen checks sure enough within one hour the bank called about someone trying to pass a
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stolen check when the officer arrived the teller presented him with the check written out
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to the thief and his driver's license to boot the thief had gotten nervous and
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ran out forgetting that he had left his license with all the current information
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neatly printed on it just like the number now printed plainly on the front of his jail uniform
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this undercover officer from garland texas tells us about a surprise reunion the officer was called in as a backup
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for a house fire in garland texas when a car pulled out in front of him no problem but the officer had already
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turned on his red lights and siren he figures he'll just overtake the oblivious driver
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when he still was unable to overtake the driver at 80 miles per hour he decided this had now become a pursuit and it was
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time to pull the guy over the driver pulled a sharp left and screeched into a driveway and headed
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into the house in the house we go past the people watching tv you got a man and two kids on the sitting on the
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van they were watching television they just watched us go by he takes a left down the hallway i go down the
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hallway with him there's a lady in the hallway she has to get up next to the to
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the wall to keep him getting knocked down runs into the bedroom throws himself on
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the bed throws his arms up like this and says don't shoot i'm standing over the top of him i go
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i'm not going to shoot you but why in the world are you running from me and he looks at me again he says
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jimmy is that you i said yeah i said how do i know you we went to school together
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so anyway we talked about old times back when we were in school [Music] an officer noticed a car with the engine
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still running stopped in the middle of the road and a woman staring blankly forward thinking that she might be
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having a heart attack or a seizure he offered to help the woman didn't respond for a moment
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then turned to him and smiled asking if the freeway was nearby he said it was but notice that she was
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obviously very intoxicated and was about to stop her when she started to drive away
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the officer jogged up to her window and told her to stop she looked very surprised to see him what's going on are
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you okay officer was i speeding where um how'd you get here did you run here
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you've been drinking today where's your car you've been drinking a little bit
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where's your car they want to step out of the vehicle for me the officer proceeded to give her a
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sobriety test while she continued to question him as to how he was able to stop her
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she had completely forgotten about their encounter a few minutes earlier the confused car napper was taken down to
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the station and given a little quality time with her thoughts and what's the
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word for that thing that describes those things that you recall oh yeah her memory
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this next infrared surveillance tape followed a man who stole a baltimore city bus wearing a very unusual disguise
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a sheet evidently the guy rolled out of bed one evening and decided that he wanted to go
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out for a drive he went to the baltimore municipal lot broke into one of their vacant buses and away he went
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through alexandria the bus has hit several citizens vehicles and is still continuing southbound on gw
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parkway at one point there were as many as 50 police cars involved in the chase which followed the ghost driver for
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about 40 miles until he finally crashed into a guardrail just outside of washington d.c
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okay the bus has just crashed we're approximately two miles southbound or south of route 610 the bus has
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crashed get over we need clear in case the guy bails this is fairfax too go ahead sir
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the bed sheet was undamaged and quickly donated to a local charity organization [Applause]
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we hope you've learned one thing this week for every dumb crime there's an
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even dumber criminal just waiting to bungle right here on america's dumbest criminals
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on the next episode of america's dumbest criminals a crook packs his bags and makes a run
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for it a kid does a moronic macarena on a friend's car a salivating senior expresses his
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feelings for a local store and a guy in his birthday suit gets pulled over for speeding
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all this and more on this week's episode of america's dumbest criminals walk away
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from the car well several years back pretty much the same time the house fire started the
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house fire call that i got we had a cat burglar that was working town i mean four or five times a night we were
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having people have their houses broke into by cat burglar their wallets were coming up missing purses
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were coming up missing what have you wasn't really hurting anybody but this guy was really brave he was just going
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in right over the bed sometimes and walking across people grabbing purses and wallace and then walking right out
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we were getting calls we couldn't catch him so we were trying to identify everybody
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in the neighborhood at night so um i saw a guy walking down the street of course i pulled over to stop you know
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where you going it's real late at night early in the morning hours i said he's just going to visit a friend
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i said okay well have you got some identification on you know sir i don't i said well what's your name well
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my name's bill uh okay you got some proof of identification there bill oh no sarah don't uh i don't have
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anything i said well looks like you got a wallet there well yeah but these pants
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aren't my pants you know they belong to my brother uh i just put them on when i
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left the house i said those are your brother's pants oh yes sir yes sir these
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are my brothers i said we'll pull your brother's wallet out of his pants there
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let's see who he is of course he shows me this name a picture of him looks just like him
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i said well this is you and you ain't bill he said well that's my twin brother and
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these are his pants i swear i'm not buying that so i i arrest him for fail to identify
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himself and then i re you know start patting him down find a little match box open it up it's got some
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heroin and cocaine little capsules i said well look at this he said oh my brother left it in his pants i'm telling
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you these are not mine this is my brother's pants he's stuck with that story all the way
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to jail it was the evil twin it was the evil twin that did him excellent that's all i can think of right now
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in terms of the uh just the dumbest thing anybody's ever said to you but the gum has come back
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well i'm about to come back but i remember working a wreck one time where this was not in this city but this was
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in houston and uh guy had run over a parked car had to swerve and miss miss a dog and
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hit a parked car of course the guy was drunk i said well i'm going to take him and you're
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drunk and he goes wait a minute wait a minute he said a dog run in front of me and i had to swerve and hit the car
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he said i would have hit the dog i said you should have hit the dog he said well you're going to put me in
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jail he said the dog is going to get off scot-free you ain't going to do nothing
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to him and he calls this wreck [Laughter] and he was real upset with me and i didn't go after that dog
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anything else [Music] you