00:00:07
-Hi, I'm Daniel Butler. welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:00:14
THEME SONG: Dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. [glass breaking] -Dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
00:00:24
[tires screeching] -Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. [cymbal crash] [slapstick noise] -Dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
00:00:35
[crash] [tires screeching] -Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb. NARRATOR: On this episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals,"
00:00:45
a careless criminal stuffs
the wrong crustacean down his pants. [screams] NARRATOR: A parachuter runs into
a little technical difficulty.
00:00:55
A confused crook runs right
into the arms of the law. OFFICER (ON RADIO):He's
gonna come get in your truck.
00:01:01
Look at that idiot. [laughs] NARRATOR: An escaped
con forgets his glasses. All this and more on
this week's episode
00:01:09
of "America's
Dumbest Criminals." Here's your host, Daniel Butler. -A guy decided to parachute from
a radio tower one afternoon.
00:01:17
Didn't quite plan on, well. [911 chatter] [911 chatter] -Sometimes a picture just
says it all, doesn't it?
00:01:33
[music playing] -A convict at Jerome
County Jail managed to slip under the exercise
yard fence and escape.
00:01:41
The quick wit immediately
disposed of his signature round glasses, assuming that he
wouldn't be recognized.
00:01:48
But we all know what
happens when you assume. -See Dick run. Run, Dick, run. See Dick flag down a car.
00:01:55
Flag, Dick, flag. See Dick squint. Squint, Dick, squint. See officer arrest Dick.
00:02:01
Duh, Dick, duh. -Without his glasses,
Dick didn't realize that it was a cop car
that he had flagged down.
00:02:08
See Dick go back to jail. Stay, Dick, stay. POLICE OFFICER: Well,
it's too bad you
00:02:13
don't have your glasses. -For every dumb crime,
there is a dumb getaway. But when it comes to
picking a hiding place,
00:02:20
it gets a little trickier,
as this investigator from Richardson,
Texas points out.
00:02:25
-We were driving down a- a
six-lane divided roadway there. And all of a sudden,
from the parking
00:02:31
lot of a little shopping center
there adjacent to this roadway, a guy bolts out in front of us.
00:02:38
He's got something
stuffed up under his coat. So I looked over my
partner and said,
00:02:42
I don't know what he stole,
but he just stole something. -So we looked over in the
shopping center parking lot.
00:02:46
And here's an elderly lady
coming across the parking lot. And she's waving
her hands in the air
00:02:51
and just having a real fit. This guy had just
stolen her purse. -And so the guy ran up an alley.
00:03:01
Well, by the time I
got out of the car and managed to get in
foot chase with him there,
00:03:09
he had already cut
through the fences. And so I was only
a short distance behind but I exited the
fenced area, where he had ran,
00:03:17
and into a large,
open parking lot. D.L. THOMAS: And there was
really no place for him to go.
00:03:23
But there were some
trash dumpsters. So I thought, well, the guy had
to be in the trash dumpster.
00:03:28
And so I start flipping
open the trash dumpsters. And got to about the
second trash dumpster
00:03:35
and flip this thing open. And there he is laid
in the trash dumpster just laid back in there,
still clutching the purse.
00:03:41
[laughter] D.L. THOMAS: And
bad thing about it was this guy had chosen
this trash dumpster where
00:03:46
a little adjacent pet shop had
just cleaned out all the cages. [laughter] -I mean, he smelled terrible.
00:03:54
So brought him out at gunpoint. Laid him on the concrete there. And, you know, it was one of
those situations where you
00:04:00
really didn't want to put
your handcuffs on this guy, because he smelled terrible.
00:04:03
[laughter] -This dummy chose a dumpster
full of kitty litter and parrot poop for his hideout.
00:04:10
But hey, the cops smelled a rat,
and a ferret, and a dachshund. [music playing] -Every once in awhile,
a dumb criminal
00:04:19
turns his act around
just in the nick of time. A Los Angeles health officer
was staking out a roadside area
00:04:25
that was constantly
being used as a dump. Soon, a rubbish rebel
arrived and promptly
00:04:30
began unloading his treasure. HEALTH OFFICER (ON
RADIO): Five-L-six. I'm code six in the
area of Fern and Arrow
00:04:41
highway on a possible
illegal dumping. Unbelievable. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
But before he finished,
00:04:53
he noticed the officer out
of the corner of his eye. Without missing a beat, he
quickly stacked his waste
00:04:59
back in the truck,
as well as cleaning up the surrounding grounds. Giving credit where
credit was due,
00:05:06
the officer followed
the reformed litterer to his next destination,
a city dump,
00:05:11
but did not give
the man a ticket. Happy, we guess,
that he had already cleaned up its act
and the roadside area.
00:05:20
-I'm Daniel Butler and this
is my coquettish co-host, Beaumont Bacon. -Hello, Daniel.
00:05:24
-Hiya. -Hiya. -Officers arrived at a residence
to pick up a guy named Jack with a felony warrant
on his record.
00:05:30
When they got to the door,
a drunken man in a tank top answered. When they asked
him if he was Jack,
00:05:36
he said, no, I'm
his brother, Joe. He said that Jack was over
at their mother's house
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doing laundry and wouldn't be
back for a couple of hours. BEAUMONT BACON:
Those fine washables.
00:05:45
Those darn fine washables. -Yeah, Woolite. The officer knew that something
was up and asked the guy
00:05:50
for his ID, which
he didn't have. Then they ask him for his
social security number, which
00:05:56
he rattled off but was
about three numbers short. That's when they
started laughing.
00:06:00
BEAUMONT BACON: What happened? -Well, they told the
guy that next time he decides to lie
about his name, you
00:06:05
might want to wear long-sleeved
shirt to cover that tattoo of his name, Jack, that was
prominently etched on his arm.
00:06:11
-Could've been a boyfriend. -No. -No, not in this case. -Not this guy. -Drunks skunks seem
to think alike.
00:06:16
-Uh-huh. -An officer in Anderson,
Indiana was blocking traffic for an accident with his
lights flashing when a car came
00:06:23
from the other direction,
passed him, and then slammed on his brakes, and pulled over.
00:06:28
The drunk driver
got out of this car and staggered over
to the officer and said, OK, you got me.
00:06:34
I'm sorry, officer. I'm really drunk. -Really? -Yep. Turns out that the pickled perp
only saw the officer's flashing
00:06:42
lights in his rear view mirror
as he passed the accident, and assumed that the officer
was actually driving behind him
00:06:49
and attempting to pull him
over for drunk driving. -Which brings us to
the Vidiot of the Week.
00:06:55
-Of all the stories
we've received this week, this is our absolute favorite. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
An officer in Lillian,
00:07:02
Oklahoma had cornered two
suspects behind a local bar. As he approached, one of the
suspects quickly dropped a bag.
00:07:08
-Who dropped this? -It's not mine, sir. I've never seen it in my life. -What do you have to say?
00:07:12
-I don't know. It's not mine. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Unable to prove ownership,
00:07:16
the officer had no choice
but to let the guys go and confiscate the bag of drugs.
00:07:20
The losers went to another
bar and told the bartender about how a cop had
just taken their drugs.
00:07:25
Well, the barkeep informed them
that the officer lived just of couple blocks away and
joked that they should just
00:07:31
go to his house and
ask for their drugs back, which they did. The officer's wife
called her husband
00:07:37
who came home and promptly
moved the dopey dopers from his front porch into
the back of his cruiser.
00:07:42
-Well, good for him. -Buddy. -Another case closed. -Yeah, buddy. -We all get by with a little
help from our friends.
00:07:51
But this convict's friend got
a little more than he bargained for when he stopped
by for a little visit.
00:07:57
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): An
officer assigned to front desk duty was busy doing paperwork
when a man approached and asked
00:08:02
if he could post bail for a
friend that he called Pookie. The officer told
him that people were
00:08:08
booked under their real name. The man seemed a
little perplexed and started digging
things out of his pocket,
00:08:14
claiming that he had his
friend's name somewhere. -The bungling bird didn't seem
to realize that he had dropped
00:08:20
a couple of bags of cocaine
on top of his belongings. The officer arrested
the guy and put him
00:08:25
in the same cell as Pookie so
he could explain to his friend the reason that he
couldn't post his bail.
00:08:31
Pookie sure knew how to
pick is friends, didn't he. POLICE OFFICER: Whose is
that stuff right there?
00:08:36
[music playing] -We all know how
difficult it can be to find a job these days. But this little lady
was sure that she
00:08:45
was perfect for this
particular position. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): She thought
00:08:49
it would be nice to work in the
little town of Rock Hill, South Carolina and decided to
fill out an application down
00:08:55
at the local police department. She was confident that
they would want her. -She had all the qualifications,
her resume, the completed
00:09:02
application, and a warrant out
for her arrest in New Jersey. Well, she was right.
00:09:08
They certainly did want her. That should make her
feel a little better. [handcuffs tightening]
00:09:14
[music playing] -Sometimes it's
the little things in life that make
a big difference.
00:09:22
Thankfully, this dumb
criminal didn't take the time to consider some of them when
he attempted to rob this gas
00:09:26
station in
Bensonville, Illinois. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): The buffoon entered the gas station's
convenience store
00:09:32
wearing your
standard-issue ski mask and demanded all the money. He didn't plan on the woman
behind the counter telling them
00:09:39
that if he didn't have
a gun, he should leave. -Get out of here. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Believe it or not, he did just
00:09:44
that, and said
that he'd be back. The clerk called the
police and filed a report.
00:09:48
She gave a good
description of this car but was unable to identify
him because of the mask.
00:09:53
They said to call it she
heard from him again, which she did about
20 minutes later.
00:09:58
-She saw his car pull up and she
immediately called the police, who instructed her
to lock the door.
00:10:02
She did and hid
under the counter. The masked marvel
tried the door. He didn't appear to understand
why it wouldn't open.
00:10:10
-So what does he do? He pulls off his
mask and presses his face to see
where the clerk went.
00:10:16
Smile, you're on bandit camera. [laughs] -Well, this next
surveillance tape shows a man who was collecting
permanent lifetime disability
00:10:27
insurance for a back
injury he claimed would cripple him for
the rest of his life.
00:10:31
Well, it obviously
did affect him. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): He spent some time with his family.
00:10:36
MAN (VOICEOVER): [inaudible]. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Took a light trip but he
00:10:41
finally flipped out. -However, the insurance
company had supplied him with a nice ergomatic mattress
for the bunk in his jail cell.
00:10:51
[music playing] -While sitting in a
parking lot one night, a Florida police officer
noticed a rental truck coming up
00:10:59
behind him with
its headlights off. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
As the officer approached
00:11:03
the vehicle, he noticed a
distinct smell of alcohol. POLICE OFFICER: You're
driving with no lights on.
00:11:08
-Oh. POLICE OFFICER: How much have
you had to drink tonight? -Nothing. POLICE OFFICER: Well,
why don't you step out.
00:11:12
-How- how much have
I had to drink? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
After questioning the two men,
00:11:16
the officer's partner
opened the back of the truck and found a variety of
boxes filled with marijuana.
00:11:26
MAN: [inaudible]. -Got some dope
back here, partner. POLICE OFFICER: [inaudible]?
00:11:32
-Looks like we hit
the mother lode. -Gee, there was only
a refrigerator dolly in the back of my
last moving truck.
00:11:38
[music playing] -A hat says a lot about
the person wearing it. It gives a sense of style,
fashion, and personal flair.
00:11:48
This dumb criminal chose a
hat that said a little more about himself that he'd planned.
00:11:53
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Our fashion fop decided to don something
a little more different
00:11:56
than the old ski mask trend
that so many of the clerks before him had worn. He opted for the rebel
without a clue look,
00:12:04
and used his motorcycle
helmet, as you can see. -However, he forgot
to check himself out
00:12:09
in the rear view
mirror before he left. And we all know how that
usually leads to disaster.
00:12:14
He had forgotten that his
full name was printed plainly across the front of
his helmet, for all
00:12:19
to see, Dummy, which they did. -And after a quick call
to the fashion police, the dapper dud was easily picked
up and taken to a place where
00:12:29
the only thing
over his head will be a bunk holding his
cellmate, Skeeter. [music playing]
00:12:39
-This dumb criminal should
have put on his thinking cap before he attempted to
rob this convenience
00:12:44
store in Clermont, Florida. He probably just forgot it,
along with a few other things,
00:12:49
as you'll see. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): You can see the guy walk
into the store and go
00:12:52
directly up to the counter. -Quickly. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Holding his mask in his hand.
00:12:57
The clerk acknowledges him
and goes about his business. That's when the goon realizes
that he forgot his mask
00:13:03
and quickly steps behind
a nearby display-- -Gimme the money. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --puts it
00:13:07
on, then comes
back to the clerk-- -You just looked
into the camera. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--and asks for the money.
00:13:10
-What are you doing? -Damn. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): That's when the goof
notices the camera--
00:13:13
-Gimme the tape. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--and tells the clerk to give him the
tape, which he does.
00:13:16
Then the guy just
ran out of the store. He forgot about the
robbery altogether and left with only a
copy of his screen test
00:13:23
to show for his efforts. Want to see my demo reel? [laughs] [slapstick noise] -Now we'd like to report
about a new device that's
00:13:31
on the cutting
edge of technology, the mental detector. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Seems that this bozo was having
00:13:37
a bit of trouble with
the metal detector at a security checkpoint. First, it was just pager,
then his belt, then his keys.
00:13:49
-All right, all right. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Finally cracking under the pressure, the cowboy
threw up his hands and said,
00:13:54
OK, OK, you've got me. I've got a bag of
dope in my boot. -Come on, sir. -The drugs were confiscated and
the doper was quickly arrested
00:14:03
and booted it into the slammer. [music playing] -An officer with the Riverton,
Wyoming Police Department
00:14:11
was having a nice,
quiet afternoon when a motorcycle
with two riders rolled through a stop sign.
00:14:17
He pulled them over and
noticed that the passenger was obviously drunk and not over 21.
00:14:22
-The subject obligingly
came up with a license that did not resemble him
in the slightest.
00:14:27
His explanation
was that he had had a bad day when the
picture was taken. However, a check of the license
revealed that the owner was
00:14:35
wanted for armed robbery in Las
Vegas and considered dangerous. -Sensing something was not
right, the boy started to flee
00:14:42
but was quickly stopped.
-[inaudible], pal. Freeze! Freeze! MAN: Don't shoot him.
00:14:45
Now don't shoot him. -Put your hands
behind your head. Step back here. Put your hands behind your head.
Step back off that tire.
00:14:50
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): A
search revealed a large knife in his pocket and a confession
that the license was not his.
00:14:56
Back at the station, he admitted
that the license had been given to him by a friend
after it had expired
00:15:02
so he could get a
drink with no hassle. -It didn't quite work
out that way now did it?
00:15:09
[music playing] -You ever feel guilty about
picking a live lobster out of the tank at a restaurant?
00:15:17
Don't. Here's the story of a
steamer that got revenge for the whole lot of them
by making a human shoplifter
00:15:23
his own personal
catch of the day. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): Wanting to celebrate his
girlfriend's birthday,
00:15:28
this Boston man decided to
steal her something nice, a four-pound lobster, a very
un-shellfish act, it's true.
00:15:35
But chances were good the
security guard on duty would not agree. -Acting quickly, the
thief stuffed the lobster
00:15:42
down his pants and
high-tailed it for safer turf. thinking he was safe, the crook
was unprepared for the Houdini
00:15:49
act that the lobster was
about to pull in his pants. With his claws liberated,
the crafty crustacean
00:15:56
took a bite out of crime. [screams] -At least he clamped down hard
on the man's, well, you know.
00:16:04
The instant vasectomy
required 19 stitches. The guard took him to a hospital
where the man was finally
00:16:10
released, although his
plans for having children have been put on
hold, so to speak.
00:16:15
And the lobster is
requesting drawn butter. -Officers in Tulsa,
Oklahoma were on the hunt for a
second person who
00:16:22
had fled on foot
after stealing a car. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
With infrared cameras,
00:16:26
the air unit was able to locate
the suspect hiding in woods. They directed the undercover
officer on the ground
00:16:32
to the suspect's
location and watched the stupidity go on from there. OFFICER 1: OK.
00:16:37
He's up and moving
towards you know. He's moving towards the road. I don't know what
his problem is.
00:16:43
OFFICER 2: I think
he thinks he's gonna get a ride from
one of his buddies. OFFICER 1: Yeah.
00:16:50
He's- he's cautiously
headed your direction. This guy's pretty
stupid. [laughs] OFFICER 2: He is, isn't he?
00:16:56
Yeah, probably thinks it's
one of his buddy's cars. Get me outta here. OFFICER 1: Yeah, he's gonna
come get in your truck.
00:17:02
[laughs] Look at that
idiot. [laughs] Never seen anything like that. OFFICER 2: Looked
like he was fixing
00:17:08
to get in there until
he saw the police. OFFICER 1: He was. He was. He thought it was
one of his homeys.
00:17:17
OFFICER 3: [inaudible] O-H-P. OFFICER 1: Thank you.
[laughs] That takes the cake,
00:17:20
doesn't it. I've never seen
anything. [laughs] OFFICER 2: That's funny. OFFICER 1: He really
thought he was
00:17:28
gonna get a ride He fell for it. He's in custody. OFFICER 2: This
guy's pretty stupid.
00:17:35
DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): I couldn't have said it better myself. -You know, dumb criminals
weren't born this way.
00:17:42
They've had to work years
to lose enough brain cells to fully qualify as one of
America's dumbest criminals.
00:17:48
We'll see you next week. -This must've been
probably 3 o'clock, 3:00 AM in the morning.
00:17:56
So I saw this guy
walking up the street with a huge duffel
bag on his shoulder. And I pulled around
behind this guy
00:18:03
and got out to
check to see what he was doing at this time of night. -It was an industrial
section where there just
00:18:10
isn't any traffic at that
time, especially foot traffic. And the relayed his
story that he just
00:18:16
been over to some people
who had picked him up, and he was trying
to find the freeway.
00:18:20
This was nowhere
near the freeway. He was lost. -Finally at some point, I asked
him what he had in his bag.
00:18:28
He said, Oh, I've just got
some clothes and things. So I said, would it be all
right if I looked in there.
00:18:34
And he said, oh, sure. -And so soon as I
open the bag up, here's a silver service set.
00:18:40
Soon as I found this and started
setting it out on the ground, he says- his first statement
was, if I take it back,
00:18:46
are you gonna put me in jail? [laughter] THEME MUSIC: Dumb, dumb.