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tonight on america's dumbest criminals meet some on the run teenagers who just
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don't know when to quit a whacked out clown who should have run off to join the circus instead of making
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this home video and a shifty defendant who decides to dismiss himself from court proceedings
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who's the dumbest of the dumb judge for yourself right here right now on america's dumbest criminals
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[Music] wow [Music] now welcome your host for adc daniel butler and debbie allen
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okay debbie i bought your present oh that makes me nervous you got me a present yeah yeah
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see this a red ball no no no oh contraire this is a clown's nose i saw this and i thought of you here am i
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supposed to be flattered by that no you're supposed to put it on go ahead come on
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come on just put it on right now yeah i got you small they didn't have petite
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okay it's you now all you need is one of those little bitty cars and about 35
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little friends i actually wish i had a cream pie or a bottle of seltzer water for him
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this is so you you don't have to thank me no really no no no put the nose back on because
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it's going to help you introduce our first story great okay i feel like a real bozo now
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but i realize i pale in comparison to the pot grower you're about to meet i sound kind of nasal don't i
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no this fella's a real clown see for yourself [Music] a few months ago we got a tip that some
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kids were stealing marijuana from a guy that had a marijuana grow operation and we did a follow-up investigation we got
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enough for a search warrant we went into the house and there were three mobile homes set up as a growing operation and
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while we were doing the process of tearing apart the grow operation we found some videotapes and i found one
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that was really interesting it said bozo bubblegum and i assumed it was a child's
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tape and reviewed the other videotapes while i'm writing my arrest affidavit
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for the defendant and when i got done i put the last bozo bubblegum tape in there and it was my defendant with a
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clown mask on it was obvious was our defendant he didn't have a shirt on he had a really unique body a large pot
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belly was sticking out we knew this was our guy and i thought oh my gosh this is great
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so i watched the whole tape and during the tape he introduced himself as i'm
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bozo bubble gum i'm going to show you how to clone marijuana plants and we brought him inside
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and he saw the tape rolling i pointed out to him he lost all the color in his face he just knew that we had everything
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we needed right there okay you see how that does really helped that first story oh yeah i could really feel
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it well there you go well hey but nothing says impressive like personalized stationary right yeah and
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nothing says nitwit like what this next guy does with his personalized stationery he applies that oh so
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important personal touch to something to remember me by okay so this guy walks into a bank and
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it sounds like i'm doing a comedy routine brings his note in hands it to the teller says give me all
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your cash she gives him the cash she leaves she keeps a note calls the cops takes a look at the notices from the
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desk off so we collect a note go over to where this guy worked walk in and show him the note asking if he made
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any withdrawals lately and he gave it right up [Music] according to a recent study there are
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more than one billion credit cards being wielded in the united states today and that's some high wattage charging yeah
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but we learned of a guy who did more damage to his credit than the average citizen here's the statement of facts
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from surveillance video we've got an individual inside of belk's department
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store in burlington north carolina he's in there and he's looking around
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some of the merchandise in the process of filling out a credit application he sits down fills out complete correct and
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accurate information on this particular credit application uh submits it shortly
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thereafter commits a large steam steals various items from the store as he walks
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out some of our officers working security there pursuing chasing down across the parking lot to make an
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apprehension obviously in this particular case had he gotten away we found out he had given us his correct
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name address date of birth and telephone number obviously this guy did not obtain the
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credit card [Music] in mobile alabama it's illegal to howl at ladies inside the city limits
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[Music] officers will tell you that among the most dangerous calls they respond to are
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those related to domestic disputes when things got loud at a home in wheat ridge
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colorado though officers cautiously moved in with no idea of the surprise that waited on the other side of the
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door now as the story unfolds the officer is given an answer that deserves a place among america's dumbest excuses
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we got a call about a disturbance couple of people yelling at each other and when
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i got there i could hear him yelling inside and some guy was yelling i had a teenager
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for jim and i had a teener for bill [Applause] tiner is a .10 gram bag of drugs as is as i
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understand it and we got them separated got them set down i found that they were
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indeed distributing drugs they had a triple beam scale with a pile of white powder on top of it and a bunch of small
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little baggies and apparently he had been packaging up the goods and she'd been using them up as fast as he
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could package them i do a little bit i don't know when we went to arrest him he fought
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with us and in the course of the fight he got a little cut on his head and after he was in handcuffs he
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brazenly pointed out you didn't have to do that to me i said if you just stayed where you were
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none of this would have happened and he said i didn't want you coming here and
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waking up my kids i told him you didn't want me coming here and finding your
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coke he said that's not coke it's meth sorry to offend you let's go at which
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point i apologize for being rude and calling his math coke he was very indignant about the
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fact that i'd called his methamphetamines cocaine i guess it's nice to work with a true professional
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who knows what he's doing all right you're familiar with the term out of court settlement well things get
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settled out of court in this surveillance video but the crook was clearly unhappy with the outcome
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travel with us to kearney nebraska for the sly proceedings [Music] a bumper crop of prisoners are heading
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into court when suddenly whoa nelly number seven decides to detour out the side door with deputy right on his heels
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how fast was his departure well he left his impractical yet stylish footwear behind when he took flight immediately
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officers spread out to reclaim the independent-minded inmate and before long he was back in all too familiar
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surroundings he was only probably an escapee for about a minute before he was apprehended
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and the really good news no one stole his lovely shoes while he was gone [Music]
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you've heard of a tale of two cities well now we bring you a tale of two pities it's a double story of a career
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criminal who really should consider a job change because he's just not very good at illegal activity take a look
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i've received information that a citizen in our city billy was selling narcotics
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so i started to frequent his house a lot and during this time the animal control
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officer had issued him several citations for having too many animals these citations went to warmth
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aha billy told the animal control officer that he was cold and asked if he could step back in the
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house and get a coat down control officer said oh yeah sure and i'm thinking oh no if he had any
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dope on him he's getting rid of it so i went ahead and arrested him on the animal control warrants and he had about
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100 grams of methamphetamine in his pants pockets he told me that he had gone back into the house
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to get the drugs so that his friends wouldn't steal him for him from him while he's in
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jail that's why they call it dope [Laughter] approximately two months later i had
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occasion to visit with billy again his neighbor called me a little old lady and told me that someone was stealing
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her electricity when i first heard this i thought yeah right they're carrying it out buckets
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right but anyway i get there and she said no no no come look and and her on the outside of her garage was
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an external electrical plug and plugged into this was an ex an orange extension cord
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and it was running over towards billy's house so i walked around to the back of
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the house and there's billy out there cooking on a little campfire in the in the backyard outside his back
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door and i asked him i said billy what are you doing he said i have to cook them on the
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on the campfire out here because all my utilities are shut off so i arrested him for theft of utilities
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both of the times that i arrested billy he had five hundred dollars in his pocket the first time and six hundred
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dollars in his pocket the second time more than enough to pay his bills or to pay off the
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animal control warrants [Music] and now for a man who's made his mark on history and is being forced to pay for
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damages here's daniel with abc headlines [Applause] okay shoplifters usually hide their loot in
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their clothes but not a lady in beaufort north carolina she hid a pair of diamond
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stud earrings in her stomach oh yeah she swallowed them without thinking that getting them out might be
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painful and probably a little messy but when she was apprehended police also discovered she
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had stolen two diamond rings assorted underwear and 12 stakes now i need to point out right here that
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none of the additional items were found in her person okay miss manners would be at least partially
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proud of the two teenage girls who tried to rob a store in birmingham alabama one
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asked a cleric for pen and paper and then they wrote out a very polite robbery note the clerk told the girls
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that she had a customer to attend to first so the ingenue thieves waited their turn
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never thinking that the clerk had set off the silent alarm when she walked to the rear of the store when the police
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arrived the girls were relieved of their cap gun that they were concealing and then they
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were most graciously escorted off to jail you know things were not up to par for a
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golfer in ohio who got carted off to jail for driving a golf cart while intoxicated wait a minute a drunk golfer
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oh there's a novelty he zoomed across the putting green before slicing into a post and hooking a
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sign he was sure he could get off with just paying for damages but no mulligans for him the officer was sufficiently
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peed off at the hacker's recklessness to charge him with dui and that closes the file on adc
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headlines news ripped from somewhere near the back of your local newspaper ready
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you know the story of alice in wonderland when alice took a tumble through the looking glass she fell into
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real trouble we'll see if you see any similarities as you look at this story
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from north miami beach florida we're working surveillance and these guys have been coming in and breaking
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into cars five you know five cars a night i was working in the capacity as a crime suppression on our tactical team
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so i was in plain clothes driving an unmarked car my sergeant he's circling the area in which we're supposed to be
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watching he gets on the radio and tells us hey you know come over here because i
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got a couple of good guys i get up there and as i turn the corner they're outside
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they're looking into this car they get a little antsy they jump in back into
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their car and they drive off so i go about 20 feet away from the v from the other vehicle in my
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back my car underneath this palm tree it's pretty dark and the vehicle i was
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driving had dark windows it must have been four minutes these guys circle the corner again pull
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up next to the same car the driver gets out of the car so he starts skipping over to my car as he starts coming down
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the street i get on the radio say hey look he's coming to my car he got you know my sergeant everybody gets on and
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says no just see what they're going to do that's okay no problem so i scoot
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down in the seat and i'm sitting there waiting for this guy to come to see what
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he's going to do you know so he gets to the front window on the driver's side
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when he starts peeking inside the car now i'm wearing a dark t-shirt it's
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pretty dark in here the wind is dark so he goes around to the tinted portion of the glass he starts trying the door
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handle he goes around the car i'm telling him on the radio hey look he's
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trying to get into my car they're yelling to me let him break in let him break in then we'll take him down i said
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no problem so i'm look i look up to see exactly where he's at and when i turn
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around to look over my shoulder he's at the back window which didn't have any tints and his face is pressed
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against the window like this i turn around i stick my head up he starts to scream
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i i jump out the car i start to scream hey take him down he starts running down the street as fast as he could towards
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the other car my sergeant cuts them off takes down the passenger i get out i'm
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on foot chasing me down the street he starts going in a big oval so he runs around in the middle of the intersection
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with me behind her runs right into my sergeant so we end up taking him down you know i can't believe this guy was
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trying to break into the police car that i was actually sitting you know if people would just obey the law they
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could save themselves so much time and trouble but no there's some component in the
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man's lower nature that kicks in and says i bet i can get away with this and
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when those thoughts become action something like this happened about a year ago i wanted to make a
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traffic stop down south near san luis he was speeding about 75 miles per hour in a 50 mile per hour zone turned on my
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emergency lights the vehicle pulled over as i was about to step out the vehicle took off i remember a right front
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passenger waved at me as she was driving away then turned on my siren we followed him
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i radioed ahead to the san luis police department that i was in a pursuit they set up spikes near their town and the
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vehicle ran over the spikes the vehicle stopped the driver took off running the san luis police department ran after the
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driver myself and other san luis police units took the rest of the passengers out at
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gunpoint ordered them to get on the ground get on the ground now get on the ground i remember two female
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passengers that i had at gunpoint weren't doing what i was telling them to do and we were yelling very loudly get
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on the ground get on the ground and for some reasons that i have no idea why the
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one of the females pulled off her shirt and was standing there in her bra and her jeans and i was just dumbfounded i
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didn't know what to do i i just stood there and stared at her and sort of the officers behind me
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and it must have been five or ten seconds where it was quiet and her friend told her said hey no they want you to
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get on the ground and they finally got on the ground we handcuffed them and i asked her i said why did you take your
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shirt off she says you told me to i said no no we were telling you to get on the ground
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get on the ground and that was her reason [Applause] in port arthur texas obnoxious odors may
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not be emitted while in an elevator do you remember that great scene in the movie blazing saddles where black
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sheriff fast talks his way out of being lynched by a bunch of feeble-minded racists well our final tale is a
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real-life reversal on that story and we applaud the quick witted work of the officer who stars in tonight's
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installment of we're not making this up [Music] this housing area was a really really high crime area we were
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having a lot of problems there got a call in the area and everybody in the city was busy but me so
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i didn't have any backup units or anything to go with me and when i got there i got surrounded
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immediately by who made the phone call it was actually set up as an ambush it wasn't really a call
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they immediately went to telling me all the body parts that i was fixing to lose and they
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intended on killing me and that's when we had six shot providers i'm thinking there's no way that i can
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take all these guys out with six shots so i really didn't know what to do i don't know what made me think of this
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but it worked i carried a bottle of white out in my right front pocket for reports and i
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reached in got a bottle of whiteout out opened the lid and said okay guys y'all come on i'll
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just white every one of you out and they just they just started looking at me started laughing and they just
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turned walked off said you talking about flash going i got out of there so i like i said i don't know if it was
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just them thinking i was crazy or they were really dumb [Applause] what's with the pie well you got me this
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wonderful clown nose and i want you to have something so right after we say our goodbyes
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right now you know folks i think we should just keep going tonight for maybe a few more hours in fact i wish our time
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together would never end daniel because just there thank you no well okay we would like to thank the officers who
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helped us tonight and uh of course you for tuning in we also want to thank uh you know the
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receptionist at the police station and our sincere gratitude to everybody who works in law enforcement
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for the great job you do i could i could go on and on about your good work that's
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enough for that what you sure yeah because well there's the crew yeah there's the crew as always we hope that
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we've all learned from others mistakes including daniel we could but if you haven't you just might
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we might just see you next week on america's government [Applause] okay [Applause]
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[Music] you