00:00:09
-Greetings, law-abiding viewers. I'm Daniel Butler, and this is
America's Dumbest Criminals.
00:00:15
[theme music] NARRATOR: On this episode of
America's Dumbest Criminals-- NARRATOR: On this episode of
America's Dumbest Criminals--
00:00:56
On America's Dumbest
Criminals and now here's down Daniel Butler. -Trying to outrun
the police is stupid.
00:01:03
Because it always
ends up the same way. You get caught. But this dumb driver obviously
watched just a little too much
00:01:09
TV and took a detour
that almost sent him on the I-40 westbound to Heaven. You see, the car
was being driven
00:01:15
at speeds of over 100
miles for quite awhile. But, as in all chases,
the highway patrol
00:01:21
stayed back, waiting for him
to slow down and give up. Well, he appeared to
be doing a Jack Kerouac
00:01:27
until he exited where
there was no exit. He took this leap of faith that
catapulted him into the air,
00:01:34
through a tree, and flipped his
car over to the freeway below. It looked grim. We all assumed that
he had met his maker
00:01:41
and was already strumming
that big harp in the sky, when he crawled out of
the car and continued
00:01:46
his escape on foot. However, he didn't get far
and soon found himself cooling his heels in a nice,
stationary jail cell, which
00:01:54
was just a hop, skip,
and a jump away. You know, sometimes people
just don't know when to hush
00:02:08
and say thank you. Like this stubborn Texas woman. -How you doing today? Could you turn down
the music, please?
00:02:13
Go ahead and turn off
the motor for a second. -Sure, what's the
problem, Officer?
00:02:17
-Your windows are
tinted too dark. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): An officer did a routine stop on a car
with tinted windows, which
00:02:22
are illegal in Texas
for safety reasons. Cops need to be able
to see into a vehicle
00:02:27
before approaching it. The woman driver
refused to believe that there was such a law.
00:02:31
-How do you know if my
windows are too dark? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
All the officer
00:02:34
was trying to do was let the
woman know it was the law, and that she should
simply get it corrected.
00:02:38
-I'll probably give you
a warning this time. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
But she said, no.
00:02:41
Her husband, who had
tinted the windows himself, would never believe it. -Well, I'm just gonna
give you a warning, Ma'am.
00:02:45
-I know, but I need
something written down, 'cause I need to show
it to my husband.
00:02:48
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): And
insisted that the officer give her something in writing
to prove to her husband
00:02:51
that it was really a violation. Well, by this point, the officer
was tired of trying to reason
00:02:56
with the chatty
Cathy and finally just gave her what she wanted. -I'll be right back.
00:03:01
-OK. OK. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): A ticket. -Have a nice day. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Be careful what you ask for.
00:03:05
You just might get it. An Officer Garcia,
AKA John Tatarakas, tells us about how he managed
to arrest a prostitute
00:03:12
on the stroll, who warned
him about a cop that looked just like him. -One day I go up on the stroll.
00:03:17
This little girl is
there, and I stop. And she says, is
your name Garcia? I said, no.
00:03:23
My name is Tatarakas. Why? She says, well, my girls
told me to be careful, because of a Vice
cop named Garcia.
00:03:30
So I gotta be on the
look out for him. -I says, hell no. If there's a cop
here, I'm leaving.
00:03:34
I sure in the heck don't
wanna get arrested. It would be embarrassing
for me and my family.
00:03:37
She says, no, no, no. Wait minute. wait a minute. I says, well, what
does Garcia look like?
00:03:42
So when I see him, I can know,
and I'll get out of here. So she looks, and she described
me to a T. She described me.
00:03:50
So I says, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I said, look at me. You described me. I look like Garcia.
00:03:56
I says, I'm getting
the hell outta here. I don't wanna get arrested. She says, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
00:04:00
She looks around and
says, I don't see him. I don't see him. -He continued his charade
further by asking her,
00:04:05
what kind of car he drove. -She took a couple
steps back and said, a blue one, just like yours.
00:04:10
I says, my god. I'm getting outta here. I'm driving a cop car. I look like a cop.
00:04:14
I'm getting out.
She says, no, no. Wait a minute. She looks around. He's not here.
00:04:18
-After all the chances he gave
this woman to save herself, she still propositioned
him and was arrested
00:04:25
by the cop that looked
exactly like him. -So I got my solicitation,
put her under arrest,
00:04:31
and she says, oh my god. How dumb can I get? I said, pretty stupid. -You know, it seems
like criminals
00:04:37
are always getting
themselves into jams. Now here's the
story of one Florida dope who drove into one.
00:04:43
Responding to a robbery
in progress call, Lake Mary police chief
Richard Beary played a hunch
00:04:48
and drove to a lesser
used road out of town, figuring the crook would
avoid the main drag.
00:04:53
-Well, what do you know? Here he is. Gotcha, sucker. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
He was dead right,
00:05:00
and the crook was
plain out of luck when he got stuck in a traffic
jam during his get-away.
00:05:05
Instead of counting his dough,
the stalled stick-up band should have been
looking at a map.
00:05:09
-Don't move. -It's not mine. -Shut up! DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): But
it was too late for this guy
00:05:13
anyway. Stuck in the carfool
lane, he found out all dumb roads lead
to the same place.
00:05:19
-Get outta the car. -It's not mine! -Shut up. -Everyone knows that, in
the end, a life of crime
00:05:26
just won't pan out. One dumb couple learned that
the hard way, and a convenience
00:05:30
store clerk was reminded of it
the even harder way recently, in a crime story that all the
critics will definitely pan.
00:05:37
In a convenience store
in Conroe, Texas, a '90s couple decided they were
the new Bonnie and Clyde when
00:05:44
they were actually
dumb and dumber. Their weapon of choice
is a frying pan. The short order robber cracked
the clerk over the head
00:05:51
and got away with the cash. But he and his wife had
forgotten one thing. Yes, believe it or
not, their pan plan
00:05:57
went to pot when
the clueless couple left a couple big
ones for the police. Her purse with her ID and vital
information, as well as the pan
00:06:05
itself. Fortunately, the clerk
was not seriously harmed and was back on the
job a few days later,
00:06:10
while the unskillet robbers
were easily picked up on charges of
aggravated robbery.
00:06:16
They're now doing unskillet
labor at the workhouse. -Don't move. We'll be right back.
00:06:23
NARRATOR: Coming up next on
America's Dumbest Criminal-- -You have the right
to remain seated.
00:06:36
-Welcome to another edition
of Crimes of the Week. I'm Daniel Butler, and
this is the Beaumont Bacon.
00:06:41
-Daniel, I am so
sorry that I'm late. -It's OK. No, it's all right. -No, I'm gonna tell you.
00:06:45
There was a power outage
in my building that-- [electric crackle] -There.
See? It's still surging over here.
00:06:48
-Yeah. -The lights are dimming. -But it's fine. Let's just move on. Let's get to the--
00:06:53
-Now get this. An airplane landed
on the freeway. [airplane flying low] -What? -Then took off again.
00:07:00
-It wasn't on the news. -It will be. I mean, that's pretty
big if you think an airplane landed on I-40.
00:07:06
-No. -What-- what's a
good place here? -No.
-I'm telling you. It's there. -I'm not buying.
00:07:12
You were late. OK. Let's just go on. -All right, listen. I-- I hit the snooze button.
00:07:16
-Fine. The truth. All right. Let's get started. -Would a UFO had been better? If I said, like a-- [ufo noises]
00:07:24
-Maybe a comet. A comet. Maybe a comet. -The whole-- -But OK. But at least you did put
a little thought into it,
00:07:30
Beaumont, unlike
our first story. An officer in Louisiana sent us
this candidate for worst alibi.
00:07:36
Caught on videotape, a
convenience store robber insisted that the man
on the surveillance tape
00:07:40
was not him but, in fact,
his evil twin brother that his mother had
never told him about.
00:07:45
He even wore the evil twin's
clothes to his court date, oddly enough. -Well, what I'm wondering is
if his mother never told him
00:07:52
about his evil twin,
then, you know, then how did he know he had one? And where did he
get the clothes?
00:07:58
-Evil Twins 'R Us. Somewhere like that. -Look, the only reason I
ask is that I think I--
00:08:02
I think I might have found
our evil guy-- the twin. -Really? -Yes, 'cause this
guy went into a bank
00:08:07
and handed the teller
a stick-up note. She started to
get out the money, but he quickly passed
one of his own deposit
00:08:13
slips and said, you know,
just put it into my account. So it just goes to show you.
00:08:17
Even with a clever
robber like this, one slip and you're caught. -Yeah, it really
simplified things.
00:08:24
Here's another guy, Beaumont,
whose mind was slipping. This young man walked
into a company,
00:08:27
sat right down in
the boss's office. The boss was not in
the office, but saw the young man enter
from across the hall.
00:08:33
-He was a little
concerned, because he had left $1,000 in
cash in a cash box in one of the desk drawers.
00:08:39
As the boss
approached the office, a young man greeted
him at the door, quickly shoved his resume into
his hand and said, gotta run,
00:08:46
and fled. Sure enough, the money
was gone, but the young man's address wasn't. You see, his resume was factual.
00:08:53
And after they
picked him up, they were able to pass it
on the county jail where he was guaranteed work for
at least three to five years.
00:08:59
Beaumont? -How come he had
a thousand-- how did the kid know that he had
$1,000 of cash in his desk.
00:09:04
-He was looking where
he shouldn't look. You know? Temptation raised its ugly head.
00:09:07
-There you go. There you go. And now from all the
stories sent to us this week from around the country, we
have always, just as usual,
00:09:15
selected the vidiot of the week. An Australian
policewoman brought a suspect in for questioning.
00:09:22
-Are you gonna fess
up to this or not? -No. I didn't do anything. BEAUMONT BACON (VOICEOVER): She
presented him with his arrest
00:09:26
report and told him he had no
choice but to fess up, 'cause it was all there
in black and white.
00:09:31
[knock on door] MAN: Open up please. BEAUMONT BACON (VOICEOVER):
There was a knock on the door,
00:09:35
and she got up to answer it,
and while her back was turned, the starving stooge
attempted to destroy
00:09:40
the evidence by-- by chewing it. He was chewing on it
for all he was worth. That's right.
00:09:45
-Feeding. -What did you just do? -What're you doing? -What did you just do? You swallowed it up?
00:09:52
[interposing voices] We have three other copies. Spit it out. -What our delinquent
diner didn't realize
00:09:58
was that like all good
government departments, the police do everything
in triplicates.
00:10:03
-Of course, but if this
hasn't changed his evil ways, at least it changed his diet.
00:10:06
-I think he's regular now. -High fiber. Omaha police officer
Will O'Deere Jr. was working a traffic
accident which
00:10:16
reduced traffic
down to one lane. Angry motorists began
to honk their horns. It seems a couple had stopped
their car in the middle
00:10:23
of the one lane and were now
having a tremendous argument. -I was looking--
-What do you want?
00:10:28
-Why are you guys parked in
the middle of the road here? -We're having a argument.
00:10:31
-No, this is not a good
place to have an argument. -No, we don't need
you right now.
00:10:33
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Well, from there belligerent attitudes
coupled with the strong smell
00:10:37
of alcohol, the office
ordered the couple to the side of the road,
and called for a tow truck.
00:10:41
-Ah, it smells like
a brewery in here. -No. -Aw, yeah. -Maybe it is. -Well, I need you to
step out of the car.
00:10:46
OK? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
The angry, intoxicated husband began to walk away just as
the tow truck was arriving.
00:10:52
It seemed things were going
smoothly when suddenly the officer heard shouts and
turn to see the tow truck
00:10:56
driver laying on the ground
and the drunk husband jumping into the car
behind the wheel.
00:11:01
Although he had walked away, he
had crawled back on his hands and knees and was attempting
to drive the car away.
00:11:07
The man was arrested and charged
with multiple violations, including assault and battery
on the tow truck driver.
00:11:12
Let's face it. This was one dumb
criminal who was definitely towing nowhere fast.
00:11:18
This next story is
about a teenager who gets into a lot of
trouble, and a television
00:11:22
set that really gets around. You see, a woman had her
apartment broken into. Her television set, her VCR,
her CDs, and her jewelry
00:11:29
had all been stolen. But she could tell the officers
what the thief looked like,
00:11:33
and she could point
right across the hall to where the thief lived. While the police were
interviewing victim,
00:11:38
the suspect came
walking down the hallway and right up to them. -There he is. There he is.
00:11:43
That's him right now. -Hey, buddy. Hang on just a second. I wanna talk to you. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Within moments, he confessed,
00:11:49
and the police recovered
almost all of the stolen items except for the television,
which was at another location.
00:11:55
-I can't believe it. Wherever we move, cops
are always hassling us. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
But now here's
00:12:00
where the story
changes channels. When the youth took the
police to the apartment
00:12:04
where he'd stashed
the television, the police couldn't help but
notice in identifying the label
00:12:08
on the TV that said,
Western Trails Motel. The youth insisted he had
stolen it from his neighbor,
00:12:14
so the police went back
to talk to the victim. Oh man. You guys are back so fast.
00:12:19
-How you doing? -Good. Good. -I have some good news for you. -Oh good. You found my stuff.
00:12:24
-Yes, but we have
some bad news too. Not all that stuff is yours. That TV set? That's from Western
Trails Motel.
00:12:31
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Despite her protest of innocence, the police
were able to prove
00:12:35
that the woman, who
had been the victim, had been a guest at the
Western Trails Motel
00:12:40
two days before
with her boyfriend, and the television had
been missing from its room.
00:12:44
The police went down to
the station with the victim and the perpetrator in the
front and the perpetrator
00:12:49
in the back of the squad car. NARRATOR: Coming up Next on
America's Dumbest Criminals--
00:12:56
stealing the stolen. Always on the job. And, oh no! Mr. Bill? -Go back to the couch,
and assume the position.
00:13:07
-It's the very rare criminal who
will disappear without a trace. Usually they're so dumb
they'll even trace an outline
00:13:13
around the scene of
their own dumb crime. You don't believe it? Take a look at this next chump.
00:13:18
An already
intoxicated individual was being denied entrance to
a bar, told by the bouncers
00:13:23
that he didn't have a proper ID. -Well, if I had a drink here,
then I'll just walk out.
00:13:27
-Look, you're not
gonna get a drink here. You've had enough. Go find me a good ID and
you're welcome to come
00:13:32
back and talk to me, OK? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Just then, two Phoenix police
00:13:35
officers arrived
on the silly scene. -Can you tell that this is me? -Yeah, that looks like you.
00:13:43
-I just wanna-- -You're sure it's you? -Yes, that-- that's me. Can you-- can you
check that please?
00:13:47
And just let him know
that-- that it's me. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
The request was honored,
00:13:50
and the policeman found
something very interesting. -I have some bad news for you.
-It's me, right?
00:13:54
-It's you. It sure is. Turn around and put your
hands behind your back. Palms together.
00:13:58
Spread your legs. We're arresting
you for warrants. -Told you it was me. -And so ends the case of the
good ID and the bad idea.
00:14:10
It seems that when you
decide to break the law, things just don't go your way. Take the next two star-crossed
duffers for example.
00:14:18
They managed to escape
from prison, steal a car, and immediately pulled
off another robbery.
00:14:22
Oddly enough though, they found
themselves in the same street as a patrol car. And despite their attempts to
avoid pulling right up next
00:14:30
to the officer, he spotted them
and ran their license number. OFFICER: Driver, go ahead,
and turn off the motor.
00:14:34
And step outta the car for me. -Well, of course,
it shows up stolen. When questioned after
their arrest though,
00:14:41
the police discovered that
they had stolen the car and stolen other license
plates to avoid suspicion.
00:14:47
The only problem
is someone else had already stolen those plates. Bummer. You just can't trust
anyone anymore.
00:14:57
Some criminals never feel
guilty for the crimes they've committed. Probably because they have
an incredibly short attention
00:15:03
span. Our next story demonstrates
the danger of forgetfulness. Diamonds are normally a girl's
best friend, especially when
00:15:11
she doesn't have
to pay for them. But when a check is stolen
and passed as your own,
00:15:15
diamonds can be your downfall. Everyone is this story
has got a lapse of memory.
00:15:21
When the saleswoman discovered
that she had forgotten to wrap the necklace
and put it in the bag,
00:15:25
a quick phone call to the
bank clued her in to the scam. So she could hardly
believe her ears
00:15:31
when Diamond Lil, who
passed the bad check and hadn't left
her the necklace, called to cuss her out.
00:15:37
Totally forgetting
she had just committed a no-no, this dizzy dame
returns to the store
00:15:42
to pick up her
little diamond bauble that she'd written
the bad check for. What the dummy didn't know
was that the clerk had called
00:15:48
the cops, and they
were there waiting. -Hi. I'm back. -I left this in your safety box.
00:15:52
-How are you? -Sorry about that. -Well, luckily, I
didn't go too far. -Yeah. At least have it like that.
00:15:58
-So you're gonna give me a
better price on the necklace then?
That's great. -No, don't think so.
00:16:02
Officer? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): She
didn't get her necklace though, but all's not lost.
00:16:06
She's now wearing fashionable,
new, matching steel alloy bracelets, compliments
of the police department.
00:16:14
If you're arrested,
the police always offer you one phone call to
get in contact with a family
00:16:18
member, attorney, or a friend. This next deluded dialer decided
that there was only one way
00:16:23
to get the help he needed. After being arrested for
public intoxication one night,
00:16:28
this man was placed
in the holding pen and told he could make one call. The guy waits until the officer
leaves and then quickly picks
00:16:34
up the phone and appears
to be very distraught. He immediately hung
up when the officer
00:16:39
came back into the room. None of this appeared to
be unusual in any way. However, it's who he
called that takes the cake.
00:16:46
-You've gotta help me. I'm being held captive
against my will. There's-- there's
people all around me.
00:16:54
You know me. No, don't you know my address? I can't tell you. I can't tell you. There's people all around here.
00:17:03
They're gonna hear me. You gotta understand. You've gotta come my way. I've been taken against my will.
00:17:12
I need your help. Look, I gotta go. Sorry. -As a last hope, he had dialed
911, which traced the call
00:17:19
and found out that it was coming
from within their own building. Hello? The dispatcher came
downstairs and checked.
00:17:26
Yep. Sure enough, he was being
held against his will. -Freeze. Drop the remote. -You know, sometimes there
are just certain tip-offs
00:17:37
that you might not be
getting that special job you applied for. Maybe the interview
didn't go well.
00:17:43
Could be there were
stronger candidates, or perhaps you decided
to rob the joint.
00:17:47
A Dallas police
officer and her partner were responding to a robbery
in progress call, when they
00:17:51
spotted a suspect just
outside the store. -I need to talk to
you for a minute. -Let's talk.
00:17:57
-What are you doing? -Nothing.
-Where you coming from? -Nowhere. -All right. -Who sent you?
00:18:03
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Too
bad for the runaway robber. He already had a
permanent record on file
00:18:07
with this particular store. -That's him. That's the guy who
took the money. ROBBER: I've never seen
you before in my life.
00:18:12
-What? You were just in here a couple-- -I don't even know who you are. OFFICER: Are you sure?
SHOPKEEPER: Hold on.
00:18:16
Hold on.
-Prove it, huh? -How much money do you have? -I dunno. -You dunno? -I dunno how much money I got.
00:18:22
-All this yours? -Yeah, it's mine. What do you mean? It's in my pockets, isn't it?
00:18:26
-Look right here. It's his application. He filled out an
application to work here.
00:18:29
ROBBER: Yeah, prove it.
Prove it, punk. -I can prove it, buddy. Right there. ROBBER: Aw, damn.
00:18:33
-It's his driver's license. -This suspect was
immediately arrested, and as for his job
application, that
00:18:39
went into the permanent
file at the county jail. This high speed chase ended
up with more than a tire
00:18:50
blowing on the freeway. A man had robbed a local bank
and started a long high speed
00:18:54
chase on the nearby freeway. However, his getaway car wasn't
prepared for a cross country
00:18:59
crusade, and he
soon blew a tire, forcing our reckless robber to
alter his flight to a footrace.
00:19:05
And he's off across the freeway. And he's attempting to
scale a nearby fence with Olympic grace, however, his
dismount was less than perfect,
00:19:13
which caused him to release
his fistful of dollars high into the wind. The judges were not swayed.
00:19:19
This was not the Kerri
Strug of dumb crime. He was quickly caught,
disqualified and banned
00:19:24
from future freeway
competitions. We hope that you've learned
one thing from this show.
00:19:29
You can lead a
criminal to water, but you can't make him think. We'll see you next week on
America's Dumbest Criminals.
00:19:39
NARRATOR: Don't forget to watch
these incredibly dumb stories on next week's episode of
America's Dumbest Criminals.
00:19:46
-Well, what's all
this white stuff? -Where? NARRATOR: A scratch
and sniff greeting in--
00:19:51
Serenading the jury in-- A woman makes a deposit in-- A locked out loser
in-- These stories
00:20:04
and more on next week's-- [phone rings] -We're funny. What about you? -Look, it's a southern
Southern Funeral.
00:20:13
-That's a really neat-- -Next story. -Daniel, here's a story
about a California counterfeit-- fedder--
counterfeeter.
00:20:20
You have to say it that way. -He was Swedish? -He was Swedish. Folks, this is comedy at
the spur of the moment.
00:20:25
-Yes. -There's nothing like
sunbathing in a frosted forest. It's alive! NARRATOR: How about
that that tooth?