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NARRATOR: Hi, I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another addition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
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[theme music] On this episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals"-- designated driver, a couple
of boobs in "The Boulder,
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the Stupider." A crook cracks a smile
in "Moon Over First Fed." Some brawling brothers cool
off, a reckless road flasher.
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-Put that in D as in Depart. -Hey, son. Pull it over, son. NARRATOR: All this
and more coming up
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on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." Here's your host, Daniel Butler. Maybe they should spell the name
of the Colorado town Boulder
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without the U. Captured on
videotape and in real life, these next brain surgeons
are as brazen as they come.
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Part of ABC's dumb and
dumber crowd, here's a duo that should be called
the boulder and the stupider.
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Their first strike is the
bike impound cage right outside the campus
police station
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at the University of Colorado. Abbott and Costello
cut the top lock but can't get the gate open
because they don't notice
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the bottom lock-- or,
apparently, the surveillance camera pointing
straight down at them.
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Unfortunately for
the cocky pair, they strolled away
before an officer from inside the building
came to arrest them.
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Hoping the cops
were as dumb as they and had left keys in their
cars, the unabashed burglars
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were quickly blocked in
the lot and apprehended by the astonished police. They were arrested for
a second degree burglary
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and hope one day to break
out of jail on Pay-Per-View. Sometimes it's a
police officer's job
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to make sure cooler
heads prevail. But when you come
across a hot air family like this officer
did, you might have
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to chill things out yourself. It was a hot August
day, very humid, and a call was made
to the local precinct.
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It was a domestic disturbance. When the officers arrived, three
brothers in their early 20s
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were fighting over a fan. They had one fan, one
bedroom, and they were arguing over whose turn it was to spend
the night in relative peace.
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-Let's just relax, OK. We're going have to settle this
here because our main concern
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is we've got neighbors that are
calling because they can hear you disturbing the
peace out here.
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NARRATOR: The officer
suggested that they all share the fan and the bedroom. The suggestion was
denied rather vehemently
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by two of the brothers,
leaving the officers no choice but to find a nice, cool place
for them to spend the night.
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The smart brother was allowed
to stay behind and enjoy the fan and bedroom all to
himself, proving once
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and for all it's not the
heat, it's the stupidity. Let's check out the case
of the one that got away,
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if only for a moment. Hal O'Kane talks
about a plunging purse snatcher from Sacramento.
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-One individual down
there went into a bar and he stole a
purse off the bar. And he ran westbound
towards Front
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Street, which borders
the riverbank. NARRATOR: A
patrolman in the area heard the shouts of "Stop,
thief!" and took up the chase.
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-Along there at that
time was a seawall, and it's about four foot high. Unbeknownst to him, on
the other side of the wall
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is a drop down to the riverbank
when the river is low. And of course,
that's what he did.
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He took a plunge. And he ended up
in a shopping cart that had been abandoned there.
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It was necessary
for the rescue squad to use bolt to cut him
out of the shopping cart.
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NARRATOR: Drop 'til you stop. The boys down in the lab are
trying to figure this one out.
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When people get a good
idea, a light bulb goes on over their head. So what happens when a dumb guy
gets a bad idea for a crime?
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A fuse blows? This officer and his
partner were parked across from a closed
construction site late one
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night in Oakland, California. -What have we got here? -I don't know. Hey, hold it.
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What do you think you're doing? NARRATOR: It became
perfectly obvious what the foolhardy
flash jacker was
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doing-- stealing
the blinking light. What will never be clear is why. Trying to be as
discreet as possible,
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the light-fingered
lunkhead strolled casually down the boulevard. -Hey, what's under
your shirt, man?
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-Nothing. -Sir, could you please remove
the light from your shirt? -How'd that get in there?
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-Come on, let's go. Light please. NARRATOR: The
moth-like mastermind was arrested for
theft under $200,
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and the light was
still flashing when delivered to the property clerk. And now, crimes of the week
with Daniel Butler and Beaumont
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Bacon. -Hello, I'm Daniel
Butler, and this is the vacuum-packed
Beaumont Bacon. -Knock knock, Daniel.
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-Who's there? -Dumb criminal. -Dumb criminal who? -Dumb criminal who tried
to defend himself in court.
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-What's so unusual about that? -I'm glad you asked. Here's my story, and
stay with me on this.
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It's a juicy one. There's this man,
and he robbed a movie theater in broad daylight.
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There witness--
hundreds of people around going to see a movie,
and then he fired a gun
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at cops who were
trying to arrest him. -But I'm sure he
had a good alibi. -Bad movie.
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Well, he finally did, anyway. He insisted on representing
himself in court because-- get this--
he claimed that a guy
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named Jim had spiked his drink. So now it's Jim's
fault, Mr. Blame. So naturally, he was
confused and did, you know,
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what all of us do
when we get confused. I don't know if you do this-- -Scratched his head?
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-No, he put on a
bulletproof vest, grabbed a gun and a
ski mask from his car, and decided to rob
a movie theater.
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-I haven't done in a long time. -Long, days. Days. You're out now. We're so glad to see you.
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And then the same guy claimed
that he wasn't resisting arrest, but rather he was
trying to quickly get out
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of the way of the many cop
cars that just happened to be following him
for an hour or so.
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-Good idea. -Ah, well, the jury didn't
believe him, of course. Isn't that tragic?
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-I'm misting up right now. But at least the car was
his, unlike our next story. A young man of
Virginia Beach arrived
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at his preliminary
hearing for car theft. After being granted a
delay, he and his friend
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drove off in a shiny new car
with New York license plates. -That was nice of
his friend to drive
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all that way to support him. -Well, actually, they didn't. An officer noticed these
chuckling chums as they drove
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off and ran the
plates on the car and found out that
it too was stolen. -You're kidding.
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-No, I'm not. -It had to be some kind of
innocent coincidence, right? -Nah. Just like when they
happened to pull it
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into a local convenience
store for a snack and didn't notice the
police precinct just
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across the street. But the police noticed them. Maybe they should have taken
a cab-- I mean, hailed a cab.
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-Hail no. Hail. Cab drivers have enough
to worry about as it is. An officer in Baltimore sent us
this story about a cab driver
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that had been
robbed at gunpoint. I mean, scary. The officer asked him where
he had picked the guy up fully
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expecting to get some
obscure street location. But instead, the officer,
he got an exact address.
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-No, you mean like near
a particular landmark or some corner. -No, it turned out that
the crook called for a cab
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to pick him up in
front of his own home. He rode a few blocks and then
he robbed the driver at gunpoint
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and fled right back
to his house, which is where the officer found
him a few minutes later.
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-What, was he too lazy to
go out and commit a crime? He had to have it delivered?
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-Sometimes, you just can't
get up and out to actually-- -I know, I know. Which brings us to our
Vidiot of the Week.
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In Kansas City,
Missouri, this officer had occasion to
speak to a man who was a suspect in
a recent burglary.
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The man denied any knowledge
of the crime, so the officer if the suspect
happened to know what
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the device on his
cruiser's dashboard was. In truth, it was
a Motorola radio, but the officer convinced the
man that it was a lie detector
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machine and when
it sensed a lie, its green light would turn red. -OK, what's your name?
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-Danny Hicks. -OK. Mr. Hicks, were you involved in
a burglary last Friday night?
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-No, man. -It's a lie. NARRATOR: All the officer had to
do was press in the microphone
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button to get the red
response, and the crook's guilty conscious did the rest. -All right, I did it.
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The stuff's in my
brother's garage. -OK, thank you. Dispatch, I have burglary
suspect in custody.
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I'm on my way. You mean that's a radio, too? NARRATOR: He cannot tell a lie. The case was so open and
shut it never went to court.
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Wait, wait a minute. Does that red light
mean that I'm lying now? -No, it means that
we're still on the air.
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-I knew that. We'll be right back with more of
"America's Dumbest Criminals." Many people start their
workday with a doughnut
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and a hot cup of coffee. Dumb criminals are no exception. However, on this morning,
the nut took the dough
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and ran, just not far enough. After getting a call about an
armed robbery at a local donut
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shop, an officer stopped by to
take a report from the cashier. She said that a guy had
ordered a donut and coffee.
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But when the clerk brought
them to the counter, the breakfast burglar
pulled out a knife
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and demanded all the cash,
then took his breakfast to go and ran. As the clerk was
finishing a report,
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her eyes opened wide,
causing the officer to check out this new customer. It was the bearclaw bandit.
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The officer told the
geek that he couldn't carry that knife,
then arrested him. And as he was leading
him to the car,
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the officer asked
the goon why he had returned to the
scene of the crime. He replied, they
give free refills.
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He's sure going to miss
that perk in prison. This NYPD officer was in the
right place at the right time.
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But as far as the fleeing
foolish fugitive was concerned, the officer's
arrival on the scene
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was just a stroke of luck. The officer was assigned as an
investigator in an unmarked car
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when he answered
the call of a patrol officer requesting assistance. The patrol officer
was pursuing a man
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who had fled the scene
of a traffic accident. When the officer arrived
at the parking lot
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where the accident had occurred,
he saw the patrol officer trying to catch the
suspect, but to no avail.
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The suspect even ran
around the officer's car twice before the officer
yelled at him to hop in.
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The frantic fugitive hopped in
the unmarked police car in less time than you can
say, "I'm an idiot."
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Unfortunately, the
runaway rogue hitched a ride in the wrong car. The officer was going
nowhere other than straight
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to the local precinct. Didn't anyone ever
tell the ninny not to accept rides
from a stranger?
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We all know that
disabled persons should have equal
access, and they do. But not necessarily
to all the merchandise
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when there's no
one to make a sale. Undaunted by his wheelchair
but thwarted by his thought
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process, our gliding
grifter believed he had it all planned out. What he didn't plan on was his
fingerprints or a surveillance
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camera, his tracks, and a
trip to the county jail. There's nothing worse than
being woken up abruptly
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from a nice long nap, your
dream of being stranded on a remote island with
the cast of Baywatch
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suddenly cut short by the
cold, harsh voice of reality-- the cops. A woman in
Chattanooga, Tennessee
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called to report a burglary
in progress in her home. She had managed to get
out of the back door
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and call from a
neighbor's house. The thief was in
her living room. When the police
arrived, they found
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an intoxicated man
asleep on the sofa. He was quickly escorted outside. When the woman
saw him, she said,
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that's my neighbor
from up the street. The slosh-meister just
muttered about being removed
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from his own couch as he
was walked to the squad car. Seems he had chosen the right
block but the wrong house.
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He was arrested for
public intoxication and got a chance to sleep
it off down at the station.
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Just goes to show you
that this kind of thing doesn't only happen
troubled celebrities,
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but to troubled citizens
just like you and me. Well, you. Many people believe
that if you do good,
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it comes back to you twofold. If you do something
bad, the same. However, if you do
something dumb-- well,
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I think you're going
to see what I mean. A police cruiser was attempting
to enter a parking structure
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but was blocked by a car
parked in front of it. The officer made a couple
of polite taps on the horn,
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signaling the car to move on. It didn't. The oblivious occupants didn't
acknowledge the warnings.
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When the cops ran a quick
check on the vehicle, they found that it matched
the description of a car that
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had fled the scene of a bank
robbery just blocks away. Needless to say, the cops
were more direct this time
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and quickly arrested the
bunglers, who, to make things worse, had picked
the wrong place
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to sit and count the dough. They obviously didn't realize
that they had been blocking
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the parking entrance
to the police station, just on the other
side of the block.
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In five to ten years, I'm sure
they'll sit around their cells and laugh about all of this.
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I know we did. It's bad enough when
dopey crooks put self-incriminating evidence
on film, but how would
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you like to be the mixed up
moron who committed the highly negative act of
bringing actual evidence
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to a film store
instead of the film? Here in Lancaster, California,
a customer dropped off some film
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to be developed,
or so he thought. Instead of a roll of
film, the canister contained cannabis--
marijuana, hemp, wacky weed.
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The clerk immediately notified
the police, so by the time the forgetful photographer
figured out his mistake,
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he did have some photos to take
care of, after all-- mugshots. The man may claim he was
framed, but either way,
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it's not a pretty picture. Of course, don't
drink and drive is a rule everyone should live by.
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But leave it to a dumb criminal
to obey those wise words and then screw them up by having
his 12-year-old son drive home
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instead. -I think you better-- you
better-- drive the car. -You sure? -Yeah. -A kid's driving that car.
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NARRATOR: When police tried
to pull their truck over, the drunk dad told
his son to slow down
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and continue home,
which he safely did. -What is this, sir? NARRATOR: Police also found
a bag of methamphetamines
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on the proud parent,
who was arrested and clearly deserves to
be grounded, as well.
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Our next surveillance
footage shows off this dumb criminal's
biggest assets. If you live in the Indianapolis
area, please help us
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find this guy and
buy him a belt. He has robbed a series
of banks in an effort to buy this very
necessary device.
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He obviously needs our help. If you see him around
town, call the FBI. They have one waiting
for him, ready to wear.
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One size fits all. You know, a smart
crime is hard to find, but there's no shortage
of dumb criminals.
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See you next week on
"America's Dumbest Criminals." On next episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals,"
00:15:57
a hemped-up hoodlum in
"Helping Hands," a roving rover in "Walked Dog, Curbed Brain,"
a crooked cruiser in "Chasing
00:16:08
Lamey," a resourceful rascal
in "Shorts of Breath." The laughs just keep
coming on the next episode
00:16:17
of "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -My partner and
deputy Rick Book and I were assisting patrol officers
with a call of a home owner
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holding a suspect in his
residence at gunpoint. A burglary suspect
and at gunpoint.
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We got the call, we were
the first officers there, and we meet with the victim,
who shows us the suspect, who's
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sitting all on the dining
room floor looking very dejected and lethargic
almost to the point where
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he's fallen asleep. We handcuff him, identify
him, and we ask the victim, how'd you find this guy?
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How did you catch him? And he says, well, it happened
like this-- I came home from work, I found my
sliding glass door open,
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saw some personal
property on the floor next to the door, which included
a bike and some power tools.
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So I decided to slowly
go through my house and see what I could find. Well, he ultimately
gets his own bedroom
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and not only sees more
properties stacked on his, which include some firearms
and things like that,
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but he confronted face
to face with the suspect. He was a bit scared and shocked
but he had the presence of mind
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to reach between the
mattresses of his bed and pull out a handgun
that he had hidden there.
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He points at the suspect
and yells at him, "wake up! You're under arrest." Guy fell asleep.
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The knucklehead
broke into the house. He apparently is a transient
who has a drug problem,
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so he was up all
night long and decided to burglarize the house. Got a little tired and hungry.
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Went to the refrigerator,
got out some food, and ultimately ate it. Fell asleep and had a
little cat burglar nap.
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My partner, we had to stop
laughing, because it was kind of embarrassing
to be laughing
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in front of the
suspect's face and all. We finally gather ourselves
and say, what's up?
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And he says, well, I just wanted
to come in and get some stuff. It was pretty amazing.
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We just couldn't believe it. We have a lot of things
happen out there, some of them
00:18:09
sillier than others,
and it's like, these guys, when they take
on this life of crime,
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they go, OK-- if you're
going to be a criminal, you've got to stand in line here
and take these stupid pills.
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We drive around a lot
and we stop people that we think fit a
profile and we talk to him.
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And a lot of times, we find
narcotics either in their pants or shirts or whatever clothing.
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And you wouldn't believe how
many people say oh, well, that's not my pants or
that's not my shirt.
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But one time, I
believe one guy said, well, that's not my underwear. A lot of people,
again, like I said
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before, they take stupid pills. It's like they go to a class. They go, OK, they teach
them how to dress,
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they teach them how to
not wash themselves, not take care of their house,
not take care of their kids,
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and they just teach them
not to be very smart. And when you talk to
them, you look at them
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and their body language
tells you one thing. And you say, you have any
drugs or weapons on you?
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They look around,
not any weapons. OK. Well, then give us the drugs.