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tonight on america's dumbest criminals joyriding teenagers desperately in need
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of driver's education a look at what this season's best dressed burglars are wearing and
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if you think getting your hands stuck in a toilet is bad stick around it's only the beginning of trouble for
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america's dumbest criminals [Music] [Applause] [Music] wow [Music] and now welcome your host for america's
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dumbest criminals daniel butler and debbie allen tonight we're going to take you from
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arab alabama to los angeles california from low-tech schemes to high-speed chases well in fact we've patrolled the
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whole nation looking for textbook examples of criminal dumbness and we've booked some prime suspects demian oh
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great does that mean you're including the footage of me no well not the show
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later later thank you it sounds like the pace will be breathtaking but as you're
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about to see life in the fast lane isn't always what it's cracked up to be now
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that's what our first criminal discovered as his high-speed run from police coasted to a stop when he flat
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ran out of gas failing to check the fuel gauge is only the first in a series of troubles for
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this short-sighted suspect let's watch as our perpetrator stumbles fumbles and
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just falls right into justice [Music] unable to escape from the four patrol cars and police helicopter that are in
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hot pursuit the suspect's car starts to slow down was he up to something no he was down to e as in empty out of
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gas with cars whizzing by he starts to feel like he's about to be road kill in
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sand's belt slacks then he sees his opening makes his move and dashes gracefully across the highway
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before falling head first over a short fence spilling his loot now he may have been a robber but he was no litter bug
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he hurriedly picks up after himself and scurries into the woods unfortunately for him those stylish white slacks made
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it hard to blend in with nature before long he's face down in the dirt who knows if those slacks will ever come
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clean he's going to jail who cares about the slack i'm a mom i do a lot of laundry
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ok some criminals are just plain klutzes and others demonstrate poor judgment and
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shallow thinking well sometimes they find out the hard way that more than their thinking is shallow see what
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happens to our next suspect who is about to take a leap of faith to elude police
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my name is don perriman i'm the chief of police for the saranac lake police department
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one of the arrests that sticks out in our mind that we're on a foot pursuit for an individual
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a river runs right through our town this person wasn't from saranac lake he ran around a local business fell off a
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wall into the river we were standing on the bank and started to swim across the river until
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he found that there was a business on the other side it was dark he couldn't
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see that well so he swam back and says okay you got me he said he needed some help
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so we told him to just come back up and uh told him to stand up he stood up and he was quite deep
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[Music] okay see daddy you could have walked right across there you know i'm never
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going around all right i guess there was a reason for that no jumping from bridge sign huh
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well let me give you fair warning now about the photo you're about to see it was
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taken by a surveillance camera it shows a robber demanding money from a store clerk now while it's neither graphic nor
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violent we think you'll agree with us that this picture is deeply disturbing
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take a look at this story in the store he was strutting his stuff with the brashness of madonna but when
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apprehended he turned suddenly shot why i have no idea did the rock close in front or in back i
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have no idea did the bride gently lift and separate i have no idea okay yeah more criminals out for a night
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on the town when we retire after this [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back to america's dumbest
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criminals now you probably don't think of yourself as being as bad as say a burglar or a murderer right but have you
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ever broken the law be honest now how about speeding okay ever been pulled over uh-huh your heart is pounding you
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try to act calm and innocent do you remember what excuse you gave for your lead-footedness well according to police
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the number one excuse that they hear is people saying that they have to go to the bathroom
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they don't say however whether they felt the urge before or after they saw blue
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lights in their rearview mirror well here are two of america's dumbest excuses that really exceed the limits
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uh chief sam mccown at the cottonwood alabama police department uh i was on routine patrol
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and had this vehicle come by me and i couldn't believe it doing a 101 mile an
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hour i didn't even see him he blew by me so fast asked him why are you doing 101
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mile out well i just washed my car i'm air drying it off it'd been a lot
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cheaper to buy a towel you know modern technology affords us almost miraculous possibilities when
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placed in the right hands but when placed in the wrong hands it can lead to a stupendously easy arrest
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as two pot heads with the cell phone found out when they unwittingly helped officers place them in a cell
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with no phone we received a 9-1-1 phone call from himself there was a gentleman talking to someone
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and you can hear music inside his vehicle and every time there's a quiet spot in
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his music we start screaming and whistling and blowing whistles and just hollering it just does no good they're
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not hearing anything we're saying but we hear everything they're saying he uh had
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stopped a couple of different places and uh i was in the drug unit undercover for
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five and a half years and i just knew some of the things the lingo that he was saying
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[Music] then jody uh called millersville and talked to them then patched them through
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where they could even hear the conversation on the phone after i realized who they were they explained
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everything they had an open line 9-1-1 call two guys talking about how good this
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dope was and they said you want to listen and i said sure so they're talking about how
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good this doobie is that they've got you know how smooth it is and how good it is
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so i alert my officer to stand by 31w they were talking about getting munchies the next thing we hear on the 9-1-1 is i
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think i'm gonna buy this moon pie the moon's high what they wanted was a moon
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pie you are high aren't you my wife and i pulled up along beside them about the
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same time and had the fortune i suppose of listening to a unique situation occur in the fact that
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all of their drug dealings all of their talking all of their evidence was on a tape recording that they had no
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knowledge of they're definitely part of america's dumbest criminals yeah
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unbelievable thanks to the people who make mobile phones it's easier than ever to reach
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out and nab someone right dad that's a good one i think you'll definitely agree that the criminals
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you're about to meet should have called 9-1-1 for assistance because they desperately needed help in pulling off
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their caper their scheme break a toll booth gate so that it's locked shut then
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rob motorists who were unable to pass through but things didn't work out as they planned watch as the not ready for
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crime time players present for whom the dumbbell tolls [Music] thanks fellas now a bow but watch your
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head and now with news doug from the dumpster behind cnn here's daniel with adc
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headlines sure sure some kids today seem to have a lot of money at their disposal but the
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workers at mcdonald's thought it was just a wee bit odd when two teenage boys
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in lapori indiana paid for their food with a 500 bill now even if you supersize your order that makes for a
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lot of change did somebody say suspicious the manager tipped off the police who were able to link the juveniles to the
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robbery of a home in the area apparently they thought they deserved a break-in today
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faced with charges of felony burglary it may be a long time before these boys have another happy meal
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[Music] you know you've heard the old adage crime doesn't pay well sometime it can
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actually cost a man in louisiana entered a convenience store and plopped a 20 bill on the
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counter and asked for change when the clerk opened the cash register the customer pulled a gun and demanded all
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his money the unlucky robber must have caught the store on a slow day because his stick up scored him a grand total of
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15 dollars but in his haste to flee the scene he forgot to pick up his 20. so his net earnings for the crime were
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negative five dollars all right now if this jail house is rocking don't be knocking that's what
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the shine could have read outside a nashville cell block eight male inmates attempting to break on through to the
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other side took a wrong turn and instead of finding freedom they found free love
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as they were warmly welcomed by the ladies in the women's lockup overcome by hormones they threw caution
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to the wind and they're close to the floor but romance was nipped in the bud
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when guards discovered the coupling couples and broke up their little love nest apparently there's just something
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irresistible about a woman in a stenciled orange jumpsuit that closes the file for this week on
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adc headlines ripped from somewhere near the back of your local newspaper debbie
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thank you dan well it was almost a scene from ferris bueller's day off four teenagers decided to skip school a bad
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idea but if you're gonna skip school you should at least have done your homework
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in truancy 101 rule number one is maintain a low profile but not these four in the course of a 30 minute chase
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they passed almost everybody in town instead they led officers on a 30-minute high-speed chase through heavy traffic
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with patrol cars in hot pursuit what drove them to drive so crazy well they got nervous going through a school
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zone because they feared the policeman on duty suspected the car was stolen i pushed his vehicle he accelerated and i
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had to jump out of the way and in the process of jumping that's when i got struck in the lake he was unaware that
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the car was stolen but now by taking a glancing blow at a charge of vehicular homicide the race was on
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when they should have been at school passing tests they were passing cars left and right driver was going to
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attempt to get off 14 the opposite direction he was trying to make this opposite
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direction we could have several accidents eventually they were stopped by a light
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literally [Music] their day of skipping school had come to an abrupt end but their days in
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detention were just beginning and the officer might want to think about another assignment considering he had
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just returned to the job after being run over by another driver [Laughter] just what does one wear to a crime polo
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sam's club it's hard to know unlike the gentleman in the bra we've witnessed earlier we learned of a
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burglar and a robber who went to great lengths for looks that would be simple yet surprising
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first let's take a peek at an outfit selected for a little late night prowling
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[Music] here we see our criminal entering an electronic store with a plastic bag over
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his head we see him but he can't see anything he bangs his head loses his bride and
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manages to set off an alarm moments later he returns with a new and improved disguise outfitted with eye
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holes and a flashlight he manages to get away with sixteen hundred dollars worth
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of electronics but officers recognized him as a man in uniform a mall security guard uniform once
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identification was made they picked him up interviewed him and recovered the property he's a long way from being a
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mastermind at doing criminal acts if they were all [Music] with this type of criminal mind we could
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catch everybody that does crime you've heard that you can fix anything with enough duct tape well try salvaging
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this man's ego huh probably one of the dumbest is one that i've met recently wanted to be an armed
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robber walked into the place and cased it decided it was right for the robbery and uh
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went outside to his truck to find some something to hide his face it was his work truck and he had no mask
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or anything in there anything that would hide his face and he found a roll of duct tape and he proceeded to wrap his
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face in the cape to hide his identity it seemed like a good plan until he went back inside and announced that it was a
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robbery nobody can understand him because he forgot wrapped his mouth the frustration
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immediately became panicked when he realized he'd also forgotten to leave a place to breathe
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he began began to lose consciousness and as he did and started toward the floor two customers helped him to the floor
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and held him to the police department he seemed to be really upset with the fact that the
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policeman had uh been less than gentlemen when he removed the tape that's the one that kind of wins my
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award for meredith [Music] yeah yeah but hey you know i mean that guy never had to shave again
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but now okay now what fashion tips can we pick up from these stories all right well one your choice of headgear must be
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functional two for greater comfort always choose materials that breathe and allow you to
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do the same okay all right don't move a muscle america's dumbest criminals will be right back
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[Music] here on america's dumbest criminals we make a real effort to stay away from
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bathroom humor we do okay i make a real effort to stay away from bathroom humor but sometimes a
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story comes along that just gets down on its knees and begs to be told yeah well
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such is the case of a marijuana toting criminal who got down on all fours in an attempt to rescue his pot from the potty
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of the local jail see how things go down the pipes from there one of the dumbest
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incidents that i've ever had in my career as a correctional officer was one night about 12 years ago we had two
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inmates that were housed in a slammer we were fixing to do a shakedown of their slammer to make sure
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they didn't have any contraband and this one man decided he would hide his baggie of marijuana inside the toilet
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the other inmate that was his roommate went to knocking on the door yelling for us to come back
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so we went over there and said what's wrong with you and he says my roommate here's got his arm caught in
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the toilet i said you're kidding you're kidding he's no sarge he says i'm not
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kidding i'm not kidding he said he's caught in the toilet and he looked and there was this man he had his whole
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arm all the way up to here and we pulled and pulled and we couldn't get this man out his roommate when he
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was digging for the contraband can flush the toilet at the same time the truck in here
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and just pulled his arm and hand on down in there and he was caught so then i called the maintenance man
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they freed the toilet in the sink and he didn't get loose and so i called the
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fire department they determined that they wanted to pick the inmate up sink toilet and all
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load him on a truck and take him to their fire station where they would have to use a
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torch of some kind to cut him free they got him free but it was one of the dumbest things i've ever seen
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i'll give perhaps it's enough for now i think so join us next week on america's
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dumbest criminals win surveillance camera footage will reveal a woman caught red-handed stealing gallstones
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yes i said gallstone and if you've got a lead on the story or just can't wait till next week for more
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state-of-the-art stupidity visit our website at www.dumbcrimes.com we want to thank you for joining us
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tonight and extend our gratitude to the law enforcement officers who make this show possible every day they lay their
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lives on the line to keep us safe from the stupidity of would-be criminals as always we hope we've learned from the
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mistakes of others and if you haven't we might just see you next week on america's dumbest criminals
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bye-bye closed captioning not available [Music] you