00:00:07
-Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:00:13
[theme music] -I got--I got-- that's not mine! That's not mine! NARRATOR: Coming up on
"America's Dumbest Criminals,"
00:00:47
a soggy suspect leaves a
trickling trail for the cops. A shifty shopper checks out
with more than his receipt.
00:00:56
A casual crook makes
a fashion faux pas. A man shoots mental blanks. -What the [bleep]
were you thinking?
00:01:05
NARRATOR: All this and
more on this week's episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
00:01:11
So here's your
host, Daniel Butler. -Any professional wrestler
knows that you always size up
00:01:17
your opponent before you
try to take him down. However, as this
surveillance footage shows,
00:01:23
this dumb criminal figured
that his small-sized component would be an easy match.
00:01:28
He was wrong. Get ready to bumble. Our casual culprit came out of
the ring with a classic reach
00:01:37
around to the register
to open the cash drawer. However, our resilient
register resisted nicely.
00:01:43
Then the frantic felon
countered with a full body hug, and attempted to take
our digital dynamo down.
00:01:49
But the register kept
its core planted firmly behind the counter, and even
tossed off a few high voltage
00:01:55
bursts, causing
our stunned stooge to release it to the ground. Where he quickly grabbed
some loose change,
00:02:02
and fled the ring. The register came
out victorious. And with the help of
his surveillance sister
00:02:08
high in the corner, was able
to help police nab the nitwit. Maybe there really is such a
thing as honor among thieves.
00:02:20
If so, someone should tell
these next yahoos to make sure they're dealing
with real thieves,
00:02:25
before they let
their guard down. Two undercover narcotics
officers were working
00:02:29
in their Texas town, when a
call came in the two auto theft suspects had escaped
on foot in their area.
00:02:37
Spotting the larcenous duo,
the officers acted fast. -Hey man, check it out. You guys live around here?
00:02:42
-What? -You guys live around here? -No, we live on the
other side of town. -Come on, man, because there's
cops all around the place.
00:02:49
We just stole this
car, you know. -Ah, yeah? -Yeah. -We just stole our
car around the street.
00:02:53
-Hey man, I hear some sirens.
Let's get out of here. Hey cool, can we dump it
off at your guys' house?
00:02:57
-That's cool. -All right cool, hold
on a second, man. Hold on. DANIEL BUTLER: Isn't it great
to see crooks working together
00:03:02
to get a headlock,
I mean, ahead? They walked right into the long
arms of the law, who quickly
00:03:08
made the collar on
this dynamic duo. -San Diego patrolman,
Harold Johns, has a great story which shows
that everyone makes mistakes.
00:03:19
But dumb criminals just seem
to make them bigger, and a lot more frequently
than the rest of us.
00:03:25
-We lost a prisoner one night. It happens. You know, they escape. I mean, we're not perfect.
00:03:30
The guy had the
handcuffs behind him, and somehow slipped them
around to the front,
00:03:34
and made a break for it. He was wise enough
not to go home, because he knew we were going
to be there, and we were.
00:03:40
But he wasn't smart enough
to find a better place. He went to a bar, a
very busy bar, a bar
00:03:46
that we used to hang out in. All right? And the-- and the
owners, the bartenders,
00:03:50
the waitresses
everybody knew us. Now, not only did this
genius not go to the bar
00:03:55
and do it right. One would have expected
him to go back table somewhere, and sit
where it's quiet.
00:03:59
Get a drink, calm his nerves,
figure out his game plan. He went right up, and
sat down in the middle
00:04:04
of the bar, middle
of a crowded bar. About 45 minutes after we lost
the guy we get a phone call.
00:04:10
It's the bartender. He says, you guys
missing a prisoner? Well, why? He said, I got this
guy sitting at the bar
00:04:18
who is really strange. He said, he's going through some
gymnastics to drink his beer.
00:04:22
He says, where one hand
goes, the other hand goes right behind it. He said, what-- they just
kind of look together.
00:04:27
He says, the guy has got to kind
of inch his way to get the bar and get to the drink.
00:04:31
He'd kind of bend
over and just kind of slurp out of the--
out of the glass. He says, maybe you guys
ought to come out here.
00:04:36
I said, yeah. We'll be out. -Going to the laundromat
is one of those trips that nobody likes to make,
except for dumb criminals.
00:04:44
They see it as a 24-hour
all-you-can-wear buffet. Luckily, this
particular bleach bandit
00:04:51
in St. Helena, California
was caught wet-handed. Shortly after responding
to a theft report
00:04:57
at a local self-service
laundromat, officers were able to
locate a suspect matching
00:05:03
the description of
the guy seen stealing clothes out of one
of the washers. The officers
questioned the drip who
00:05:10
denied having stolen anything,
even though his pants were so wet that water was
collecting around his feet.
00:05:17
He was soon identified and hung
out to dry in the local jail. -You got nothing better to do
with your time to hassle guys?
00:05:25
I told you I was just swimming. -Here's the story
of a car jacker who personally pointed the
police in his direction.
00:05:32
In National City,
California a guy tried to make a family
get out of their van, but as he was about to
jump in, the angry driver
00:05:40
slammed the door on him. He ran off. And it wasn't until police
showed up that they realized
00:05:46
that the thief was
certainly missing something. -That was [inaudible]. It's horrible, unbelievable.
00:05:51
-Oh, my God! DANIEL BUTLER: The police
contacted local emergency rooms, and ended up
locating their man who
00:05:57
had told the
hospital that he got his hand caught in
a motorcycle chain. The suspect
immediately confirmed
00:06:03
that it was his
finger, until they told him that he
was under arrest. Doctors pleaded with
him to change his mind,
00:06:11
so that they could
reattach the finger, but the man refused, thinking
that they couldn't pin
00:06:16
the crime on him, if he
didn't take his finger back. However, he seemed to forget
that the family could still
00:06:22
point him out in a lineup, which
they did a short while later. I'm Daniel Butler, and this is
the marvelous and magnificent,
00:06:29
and lightly salted,
Beaumont Bacon. -Ready to highlight
the underachievers of the underworld,
like this thief who
00:06:37
helped to make a smooth
entrance through the roof of a drugstore in
Hagerstown, Maryland.
00:06:41
He intended to lower
himself with a rope. But did not want to
injure his hands, so he coated the rope
with uh-- Vaseline.
00:06:49
-Oh, I know-- I know
where this is going. -Downhill. Needless to say, his descent
was more rapid than he expected.
00:06:54
And he hit the shelving
with such a force he was left incapacitated
due to the injuries
00:06:59
to his back and legs. -Ouch. -The police found him
shortly afterwards moaning and groaning, and surrounded
by all kinds of products
00:07:06
from the shelves. -Yeah. It's just too bad he didn't
land amongst the painkillers.
00:07:10
You know? I've got a story
about making contact with an inanimate object, too. -Was it flying?
00:07:15
-No, but I bet he was. Narcotics agents driving
an unmarked van in Florida were approached by a man
offering rocks of cocaine.
00:07:22
The suspect jumped on
the van's running boards, popped his head inside the
van, and told the officers
00:07:26
to drive around the
block, by which time he'd have the cocaine for them. He jumped off the running
boards, took about two steps,
00:07:33
and ran head on into a stop
sign, knocking himself out. -I just love grace
under pressure.
00:07:39
-Don't you? -Dong! -The officers gave the suspect
some time to compose himself, and returned a little while
later when he greeted them
00:07:46
with a baggie of
cocaine in one hand, and an ice pack pressed
to his head in the other.
00:07:50
-I hope he didn't get
those two confused and try to suck up
a cube in his nose. -Yeah.
00:07:54
-They carted him off
to jail empty-handed. -Yeah, and empty-headed. And once again it's
time for this week's-
00:08:00
-Vidiot of the Week! -Every year, the town
of Union City, Michigan honors the noble bottom feeder,
the carp, with a fish rodeo.
00:08:09
-Yahoo! -Yeah. Officers working
security at the festival found a man lying in the
middle of the street.
00:08:15
The officer and his partner went
up to the man to help him up. And that's when the
toasted tuna came to.
00:08:20
He saw the badges
and bolted right into the side of a parked
car, knocking himself out
00:08:26
cold, once again in the street. The officers started towards
him to help them again.
00:08:31
But just as they
reached for him, the pickled perch comes
to, and bolts off again.
00:08:36
-It seems like that catfish
had nine lives there. -Quite definitely. But this time the tipsy trout
jumps into a pickup truck.
00:08:43
He was still trying to get
the keys into the ignition when the officers
finally netted him.
00:08:47
-Holy mackerel! -Yeah. He might have gotten away
if it had been his truck. But it turned out that
he lived 500 miles away,
00:08:55
and he'd come to the
festival on a riverboat. -And they probably sent him
right back up the river,
00:08:59
didn't they Daniel? -You betcha. -You betcha, without a paddle
and a hole in his canoe.
00:09:08
-Approached by an Iowa
officer for questioning in a recent robbery, this powder
tough panicked and took off.
00:09:16
NARRATOR: However, in an
effort to dig the cocaine out of his pockets, our dashing dodo
inadvertently undid his pants,
00:09:23
and bit the proverbial
dust, himself. -The Davenport dick pulled
him up by his belt loops,
00:09:28
and put a lid on
this dustpan handler. -A plain-clothed department
store security guard
00:09:37
was taking a break in front
of the store one afternoon, when a woman walked
over and started
00:09:42
telling the guard
all about her life. Then she said, oh if you're
planning on shoplifting here,
00:09:48
don't. They busted me and I've still
got a warrant out on that one. She proceeded to say that
she'd been having a rough week,
00:09:55
so a friend gave her some
money to buy herself something, and some heroine
to cheer her up.
00:10:00
Which she pulled out and
showed to the speechless guard. Then she says, you know, my
boyfriend says I talk too much.
00:10:08
And turned and
entered the store. The guard followed, then ditched
the woman to call the police.
00:10:13
When they arrived, the guard
told the police which dressing room to find the woman in,
and they quickly arrested her
00:10:20
for the warrant and
drug possession. As they brought her
by the security guard, the yackity woman said, oh,
did they rest you too, honey.
00:10:30
To which the guard flashed
her badge and said, no. And your boyfriend's right. You do talk too much.
00:10:37
What you wear says a lot
about the kind of person that you are. However, as in this
case, it can sometimes
00:10:44
say a bit more than you'd like. Our sticky-fingered felon found
his way into an apartment,
00:10:49
and did his best
to clear out all of those troublesome personal
items that so many of us
00:10:55
carelessly leave in our
homes while we're off trying to make an honest living. Luckily, a couple
of witnesses were
00:11:01
able to identify
the man in a lineup. He showed up at his arraignment
sporting a fancy leather jacket
00:11:07
on his arm, and a smug
smile on his face. But the grin quickly
turned upside down
00:11:14
when the attorney pointed
out that the clothing crook's new jacket had the
victims initials plainly
00:11:19
printed inside. Now his wardrobe makes a
more accurate statement about the kind of person
he really is, a prisoner.
00:11:31
Your wedding is
supposed to be one of the most joyous
days of your life. However, this crooked couple
ran into a few obstacles
00:11:40
on their way down the aisle. It seems that Ned and Spacey
in Allegany, Tennessee
00:11:45
decided that they'd make a
trip down to the courthouse, so that they could get hitched.
00:11:50
They passed a couple of large
signs warning that everyone entering is subject to a search.
00:11:55
And proceeded happily
towards the security station. They had more important
things on their mind
00:12:01
than worrying about
being searched, or what the police might find. However, after the security
officer opened Ned's backpack,
00:12:09
he discovered a
large amount of pot, nicely packaged in small bags,
obviously ready for sale.
00:12:15
Well, the bride was
definitely blushing as they cuffed her doomed
groom, and escorted him off
00:12:21
to the special honeymoon
suite down at the jail. It has a heart-shaped bunk. A retired lieutenant of the
New Orleans Police Department
00:12:30
sent us this story about
two bullets and one blank. The lieutenant and his
partner had stopped
00:12:37
a suspicious man
walking down the street. The man seemed intoxicated,
so the officers decided
00:12:42
to pat him down for any weapons. Sure enough, they discovered
a crude Saturday-night special
00:12:47
with a bullet lodged
in the barrel. -What the hell
were you thinking? -Well, I-- I figured
next time I'd shoot it,
00:12:55
it would come out. -Really now? -Wouldn't it? -It would blow up in your face. -Nah, it would have come
out when I shot it again.
00:13:06
DANIEL BUTLER : Despite
repeated attempts, the officers just couldn't
convince the fool that had he
00:13:11
fired the gun with the bullets
still stuck in the barrel, it would have
exploded in his hand.
00:13:17
Fortunately, his future
Saturday-night specials will only involve
getting to his bunk
00:13:22
before the bars
close on his cell. Security officers at
a Kmart in Michigan noticed a suspicious-looking
character near the electronics
00:13:35
division, and watched
as he suddenly developed a rather unusual
growth on his back.
00:13:42
They apprehended
him at the exit, and removed his
coat so that they could diagnose his condition.
00:13:48
Fortunately, the
unsightly growth turned out to be just a benign
VCR, which was easily removed
00:13:56
so that the patient
could recover fully back at the
prison bell tower. You know that old
cliche into each life
00:14:04
a little rain must fall? Well, it's true. And in some lives, it pours. An officer was serving an
arrest warrant on a fugitive,
00:14:13
and left his civilian
ride-along in the car. The woman who
answered the door said
00:14:18
that the man he was
looking for wasn't home. When the officer
returned to his car,
00:14:22
his ride-along told him
that while he was talking to the woman at the front
door, a man had crawled out
00:14:27
of the window at the
end of the house. And was still laying there
underneath it in the rain.
00:14:32
-Hey you! What are you doing down there? -I'm resting. -Resting? -Yeah, I'm resting.
00:14:39
-Who are you? What's your name? Stand up! -Noah, do you want
to get in my ark? -Yeah right.
00:14:49
Foiling a crime in
progress is usually a welcome act of bravery. However, heroic
citizens should really
00:14:56
make sure there is
a crime in progress. In Janesville,
Wisconsin an older man saw a guy leave his car
running, and quickly
00:15:04
enter a gas station. The older man, who later
admitted that he had been drinking, entered
the gas station,
00:15:10
and claims that he thought
it was being robbed. Acting quickly, he
went back outside
00:15:14
and tried to drive way
in the other guy's car. Almost heroic, except
for one small detail.
00:15:21
The other man wasn't
robbing the gas station. He was a regular customer
who was buying doughnuts.
00:15:27
The drunken vigilante made it
about 50 yards before he fell out of the car, which then
ran into a utility pole.
00:15:34
The thick-headed thief was
then arrested on suspicion of stealing a car, and has most
likely ruined any chance he had
00:15:42
of getting a job
as a valet parker. [theme music] Our next real surveillance tape
from Lancaster, Pennsylvania
00:15:52
shows one of the most
lethargic, and unprepared criminals I've seen
in a long time.
00:15:58
He entered the highly
monitored convenience store, as if he had just
woken up from a nap.
00:16:03
Which would explain his
weapon, a salad fork. And his wardrobe, a
jersey with his name
00:16:09
printed plainly across the back. Yeah, give me all the money. I've got a fork. So don't make me use this fork.
00:16:20
It didn't take police long
to locate the labeled loser, and put him in a place where
he can hopefully catch up
00:16:25
on his sleep in a
nice, quiet jail cell. Thanks for watching. Join us next week as we continue
to highlight the lawfully
00:16:34
challenged losers here on
"America's Dumbest Criminals." NARRATOR: On the next episode
of "America's Dumbest Criminals"
00:16:42
a boatload of bozos toss
more than their cookies in this high-speed chase. A spaced-out suspect picks the
wrong day to film home movies.
00:16:54
A masked moron hitches
the wrong ride home. -Would you step on out
of the car there, pal?
00:17:00
NARRATOR: A mugger makes the
moves on the wrong couple. The laughs just keep
coming on the next episode
00:17:06
of "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -My partner and I one night
brought in a couple guys
00:17:12
for no big deal. I mean, it wasn't anything
super spectacular. Took them downstairs
in our booking area,
00:17:17
and had them sit on the bench. And my partners sat
at the desk, and starting filling
out the paperwork.
00:17:21
And I told the first guy, I
said, I want you to stand up, and I want you to empty all
your pockets up on the desk.
00:17:25
Put it up here nice and neat. So as he's putting
stuff up there, he puts a little
sandwich baggie down.
00:17:31
I picked it up,
and looked at it. And it's some marijuana. OK? Now it's stems, and
seeds, and tree bark.
00:17:37
I mean to get
anything out of this, you'd had to have had a bonfire. And I don't even know if
that would have worked.
00:17:42
I didn't want to be
bothered with it. My partner looks at me,
and he's giving me the eye.
00:17:46
So I turned the guy, and I
said, this isn't yours, is it? I said, because if
it's yours, then
00:17:52
I got to do something about it. Then I have to take appropriate
measures and go through this.
00:17:56
I said, now, if you tell me
it's not yours, I throw it away. And we get on with what
we've got to do here.
00:18:02
I said, now this
isn't yours is it? And his buddy has
picked up on this. His buddy is sitting there
going-- And I look at the guy
00:18:09
and I said, this isn't yours. He goes, yeah, it's mine. His buddy's eyes are
rolling up in his head.
00:18:17
I said, no, no, no. Let me explain this again. If this is not yours, and
you tell me it's not yours,
00:18:23
I throw it away. But if it's yours I
got to arrest you. I got to add charges here.
00:18:27
I said now, this
isn't yours, is it? He looks at me, and he
looks at my partner.
00:18:32
And he looks at his buddy,
and he turns back to me and he goes, yeah, you got me.
00:18:37
His buddy's dying now. OK? His buddy is like, come on. My partner stands up. He says, let me help you here.
00:18:45
Look at me. He says, next time
the officer asks you that question I want you to
look him straight in the eye,
00:18:50
and say, no officer. That's not mine. He says, can you do that. The guys says,
yeah, I can do that.
00:18:57
So I said, OK. Now, this isn't yours, is it? And he looks at me and
he looks at my partner.
00:19:04
My partner goes--
He says, no officer. It's not mine. I said, good. And his buddy died.
00:19:12
He was like, thank you.