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tonight on america's dumbest criminals while this waitress is counting cheap
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this robber is counting cash these guys weren't waiting for a sale to stock up
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on a few items but it's gonna cost them when america's dumbest criminals
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continues [Music] [Applause] wow [Music] [Applause] dumbest criminals daniel butler
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[Music] wow you know debbie i think i'm finally convinced that people never learn why do
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you look at me when you say that you're talking about committing crimes right
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yeah yeah you break the law you get busted i mean it's nuts to think any other way yeah where the offense is let
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the great ax fall say what that's shakespeare oh yeah i knew that oh yeah you did not know that with shakespeare
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oh yeah this guy thinks hamlet is something you get with a grand slam breakfast at denny's
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well yeah but with the chopped ham and onions yeah it's like a western uh i guess that's probably as close as we're
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going to get to a smooth segway to our first story it involves a surveillance camera showing a waitress fast asleep
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while a thief pulls a fast one yes be very quiet very quiet we're hunting a westerly wobble here's caught on camera
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it's getting so a bartender on the graveyard shift can't even catch a few
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z's meanwhile the only customer in this all-night vegas lounge was not a model
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citizen he just walked down the behind the bar and picks up the cash out of the register he doesn't grab a run because
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she's sound asleep and walks out with the cash is she lays their sleeping mr sandman
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tiptoed out with 800 when his victims are conscious he has to go to a little more trouble
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impersonating an officer he would gain their confidence by using such methods as pretending to make a phone call to
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wake up a judge to ask a judge to issue a search warrant on the case that he was
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currently working at this establishment the imposter punctured a water pipe then
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told the bartender there was a flood in the men's room flood you know and so
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i mean here i'm thinking the man is is a highway patrolman i mean you know and
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i'm alone i think that's this is fine i'll go back and check it out the crook
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got away with 300 but he left behind his bogus business card we contacted that highway patrolman
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and asked him who fit this particular description that he might have given a car to
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jackpot the trooper had arrested the guy two months earlier and had given the guy
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his card the criminal was positively identified by several witnesses it is not known
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whether the bartender woke up to testify i never trust a business guy no no you should no hey i bet this next crook
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wishes that he'd never been born yeah well of course but if that was the case
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he wouldn't have had anything to write his stick up note on that's true here's
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another case of a guy who's not going anywhere because of his poor choice of
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stationary [Music] one of the funniest stories uh we've had in recent memory was a robbery at the
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local diner it's the penguin diner along a major highway here and this person
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pulls up in a car with some friends jumps out of the car runs in the front door to diner and approaches the cashier
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with a note and on the note it says give me the money or i'll shoot and he has
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his hand in his coat like he has a gun and the girl's scared to death opens the drawer but doesn't even react
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to stands there he reaches over grabs hands full of money she's looking down at the note
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while the note's written on the back of the man's birth certificate he runs out of the diner hops in the car
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when they pull the car over the man's stolen the car and still has the birth certificate with
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the hold of their written on the back of the birth certificate which uh is obviously one of america's
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dumbest criminals anytime there's a crime there have to be lawyers involved right
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true or words were never spoken young man tonight we're going to run a couple
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of legal briefs up the flagpole for your consideration the first involves perhaps
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the most civic-minded sought you've ever encountered here's a new feature we call
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america's dumbest lawsuits i was circuit judge a number of years ago and a man was charged with driving
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under the influence his story was that he was standing on the corner and minding his own business
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drunk but minding his own business when a runaway car came down the street without a driver
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and uh obviously endangering the life and limb of everybody around and so being the good citizen that he
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was he risked his own life as well as his probation and ran and jumped in the car and brought it to a safe halt and
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then lo and behold a police officer came up and arrested him for driving under the influence just goes to show you no
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good deed ever goes unpunished and speaking of dumb lawsuits a woman with a fertile mind and other fertile
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parts sued a manufacturer of contraceptive jelly claiming that its product failed to do its job she stated
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with no awareness of her naivete that she ate the jelly on her toast faithfully for two weeks before sexual
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involvement and still managed to become pregnant as you might guess she did not win her
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case talk about a story that leaves a bad taste in your mouth huh okay here's one more dumb lawsuit
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in one case the plaintiff was suing the national television networks the cia and a particular judge
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suing the the cia because they were stealing his thoughts watching him with their satellite technology
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watching his moves his mannerisms taking his thoughts and selling them to the national television networks who
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were giving his thoughts and his the way he acted to newscasters television anchors
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national commercials sitcom characters and making money off of it he was suing the particular judge
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because the judge had dismissed his previous case against the national networks and the cia
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[Music] hey here's another dumb law in florida men may not be seen in public wearing a
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strapless gown boy i bet that really puts a crimp on fashion in south beach huh all right
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well i think we thought about that enough you know it's hard to find good help
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these days but we've learned of a man who go to great lengths just to get work
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his actions are beyond the call of duty and they put him in line for a promotion
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into america's dumbest excuse my partner and i were on patrol early one morning and he observed the vehicle
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parked in a local restaurant parking lot which he recognized as one that had been
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stolen he ran the plates determined that it was the vehicle that had been stolen
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here in in boulder city two days prior i made contact with a cook inside pizza hut and
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he advised me that the the car was there when he came in in the morning that he was the first employee that come in that
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morning i checked with a couple of the other employees and found that the vehicle
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wasn't there went back in later to interview him again and advised him that his story just didn't
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didn't wash didn't make sense after we talked to him for a while he finally admitted to the fact that he had
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stolen the vehicle he said that he'd gotten off work two days prior and went
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over to a buddy's house and it got late and the bus stopped running so he stole
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the car so that he could get home he missed the bus again coming to work and he didn't want to get fired
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so he went in and took the same car that he'd stole the first time and parked it
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in the parking lot of where he was working and went in and went to work i think his morals were a little bit
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screwed up there he he didn't want to get to work late however he didn't have a problem
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stealing a vehicle to do it so he did make it to work however he doesn't have a job there anymore
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are you that committed to your job debbie no i think that's the reason why god made taxis hey have you ever seen
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that old show shopping spree where people see how much stuff they can cram into a shopping cart in a short amount
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of time well this next guy would probably be a big winner considering how much stuff he could stuff into his pants
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he and his skulking accomplice are front and center for tonight's blue light
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special [Music] just how much stuff can one guy fit into his pants well this young man seems all
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prepared to set a world record he starts with a big item to clear the way in case
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anything else catches his eye and it does he decides he wants this yeah that's just great and you know what it's
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like eating salted peanuts because he just doesn't know when to stop but fortunately for him store security will
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be glad to offer assistance in that matter what would you get if you combined ma
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barker ivana trump and minnie pearl well you'd get the kind of story you're about
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to see let's head up to saranac lake new york case that comes to mind that was
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evolving two criminals that weren't too smart involved a jewelry store where they went into
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the jewelry store during business hours well the two people came into the store and one of them was a regular customer
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of ours hi how are you fine thank you i'd like to see some chains when she came in there was nothing unusual about
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it other than the fact that there was somebody floating back by the door one subject distracted the clerk while the
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other subject commenced to take gold change and reigns and stuff from the counter
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we got called after they had left the store because the clerk noticed a large amount of jewelry missing
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since we knew who they were we called the police and said so-and-so was just in here and robbed us
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and they live right across the street we saw him just go into the apartment if we
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go over there and see if we can get our chains back we'd appreciate it people that
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were in the store made a description of two subjects that lived across the street
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on a way across the street we noticed the female subject walking into an apartment building started talking to
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her while i was talking to her i noticed that she had large amounts of gold chains and and
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earrings and rings on her body where did you get all the chains around your neck
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uh that young man right there they were gifts the funniest part about this was all the stuff that she had just taken
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she forgot to take the price tags off her and the price tags from the jewelry store is still hanging on
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when we asked her where she got the jewelry from she said it was a gift from her
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arrest at this time you're boyfriend which case by the back the female subject and her boyfriend
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were both convicted for the grand marching charge now when she receives presents from her
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boyfriend she receives him at the county jail [Music] coming up later a guy who should have
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thunk about the pot in his trunk but now with news that requires you to pull vault across the credibility gap yeah
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here's daniel with adc headlines [Applause] [Music] [Applause] an opportunist in memphis robbed a
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flower shop of 40 then called the police to report himself believing that he could cash in on their
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program to give a one thousand dollar reward to citizens for turning in a crook new i don't think so bucko
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a 71 year old lady in carlsbad new mexico bashed a swindler selling bogus magazine subscriptions to her 89 year
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old mother when she realized a con was being perpetrated she attempted to call the police but the man repeatedly hung
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up the phone incensed she picked up the phone and hit the con artist in the face
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with such force that according to her statement the dial went one way and the receiver went the other at that he left
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very quickly and here's another story from new mexico this time santa fe a man
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protested being charged with driving while intoxicated yes he admitted that he had consumed 10 beers and yes he was
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mowing weeds along the road on his tractor when he unwittingly plowed down a fence dragging it and a mailbox behind
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him but he argued that the tractor was technically not a vehicle and therefore he should not be charged
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of course he he lost that one and that closes the file on adc headline news whip from somewhere
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back of your local newspaper debbie [Music] if this man in san diego wanted to avoid
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drawing attention to himself he should have just remained calm but he knew he'd been drinking too much
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and that he probably shouldn't be driving and he thought the police might be on to him i suppose he was so busy
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having a panic attack that he forgot to pay attention to steering the car we'll
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let the officer explain i just got off a freeway off ramp and i see this car coming up a parking lot and
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get onto the street and going the direction that i'm gonna be going so when my life turns green i pull in
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behind him well he goes down about two blocks gets in a left-hand turn lane and i figure oh well he's doing okay so far
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if he does all right in this turn into this residential area i'll just get back
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on the freeway well i see the guy reach up for the rear view mirror and all of a
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sudden he sees me in the mirror big little look comes up on his eyes that deer and the headlights kind of look and
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he's seen us in oh geez so light turns green he turns left runs right into a
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telephone pole well we pull unfortunately he's not hurt say hey buddy what happened he said what's this
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high and i didn't know what to do i said well you know what's the problem he says
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well i've been drinking i'm not not only am i not supposed to be drinking i'm not
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supposed to be in a bar i'm on probation what do you mean i just spent six months in the local
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jail and only got out two weeks ago and i said well but we we have to take you to jail
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you've had too much to drink says well don't take me to the city of industry
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jail and i said why not he says that's the one i just got out of two weeks ago
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i just spent six months there i said oh i'm sorry that's the jail we gotta go to
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when we walk into the jail and the deputy in there turns around look says charlie what are you doing here it is hi
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deputy i'm back again he says what happened he says you know the reason he says oh geez he walks him off comes back
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to me and says hey i mean i hate to see this kid back in here he's pretty good kid but obviously
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he's got a drinking problem but this was the best car washer we've ever had we're
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happy to have him back so what's happening now he's been in the next 18 months washing cars in the city of
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industry jail hey here's another marijuana story for you this one from stillwater oklahoma a
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man thinks his biggest problem is a flat tire but when help arrives he's in a
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world of hurt see what we mean about a year ago i was on routine patrol and a vehicle passed my unit and as the
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vehicle passed and those had a flat tire guy was driving on a flat tire so i turned around and pulled him over
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he hopped out he was all upset and excited that he couldn't get the spare onto his car he didn't know how to take
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his hope cap off so i went and looked at his car and saw that it's a hubcap that needed a key to
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take it off told him to look in his glove box key would probably be in there he went and did it and found it and took
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his sub cap off so i went to leaf to go on about my business he asked me we changed my tire man
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changed my tire for me it's like no i'm not going to change your tire for you
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i'm leaving so i went to get my car and you just kept begging please change my
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tire i said i'll help you i'll teach you how to do it so he goes all right so i go back up
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there and i tend to get spare out of his car and he gets a spare out the trunk as
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he gets a spirit he goes right over there in the corner of the trunk on the right hand side there's a tool to get
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those tools for me so i went ahead and got the tools out for them as i reached into the component that showed me i
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pulled out four bags of marijuana individually packaged for sale i took him out and i walked up to him i said
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what's this he goes well that's oregano man i said oregano because yeah i sell
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to the high school kids is dope so i opened up one of the bags and smelled it and knew it to be marijuana and placed
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him under arrest at that time for possession with intent to distribute now let's do
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[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] the movies are filled with famous tough
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guy statements like go ahead make my day and you feel lucky hey you do that quite
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well the officer you're about to meet though coins a phrase that wasn't just quotable
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it was highly effective witness with us one of the most stupendous self-arrest of all time and
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believe me folks we're not making this up [Music] i was on the narcotics task force and we
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were executing a search warrant at a house and we used to go in and just take over
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the house completely we're sitting there bagging evidence the bad guys had already been arrested and
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taken to jail and the phone rings my partner kelly picks up the phone and starts talking to one of the who's ever
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on the phone like he's one of the bad guys well who everyone on the other end of
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the phone they talked for about five minutes and finally he realized he didn't know who he was talking to
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so he asks my partner who he's talking to and kelly says well who do you think
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you're talking to you're talking to the police and the guy says oh you're probably
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looking for me aren't you and kelly says yo so once you reach in your back pocket grab a piece of your
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butt and run down to jail and turn it in and then the guy hangs up and we all had
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a good laugh well about 30 minutes later we get a call to call down to the jail so kelly calls down to the jail and the
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person he's talking to at the jail tells him that some guy comes in to give himself up because kelly had told him to
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and they didn't have any warrants or anything on him they wanted to know what
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to do with this guy we didn't know who he was or anything kelly told him well interview him and if
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he admits to anything arrest him we didn't really think this guy would do it
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and talk about your dumb criminal he actually goes down to jail and gives himself up
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okay well it's about time for us to grab our own bottoms and get out of here thank
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you for cleaning that up and thank you for riding along with us you made my bottom
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and thanks to the police officers who helped make tonight's show possible hopefully that wins
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law enforcement officers have a tough job consistently dealing with people who make a lot of choices that are not so
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smart we thank them for all they do next week we'll be back with more good consequences for bad deeds and if you've
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got a lead on a story or you just can't wait till next week for more state-of-the-art stupidity visit our
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website you can find us at www.dumbcrimes.com as always we hope that we've all learned
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from others mistakes but if you haven't we just might see you next week on america's dumbest criminals
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[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] wow [Music] [Applause] wow [Music] [Applause]