00:00:07
-Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:00:15
[music playing] [cartoon sounds effects] NARRATOR: On this episode of
"American's Dumbest Criminals."
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-What the hell are you doing? You're naked. Get out. NARRATOR: A chilly
Willy strikes a pose.
00:00:48
A peculiar pinhead
poaches a puppy. A sticky-fingered felon
gets his day in court.
00:00:55
A chatty Cathy expresses
her innermost thoughts. -Yeah? Yeah, we'll you're
stupid [bleep]. you are.
00:01:02
Yeah, you are. Yeah, you're a pile
of [bleep] too. NARRATOR: All this and
more on this week's episode
00:01:06
of "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -You're such a big
bag of pig [bleep]. NARRATOR: Here's your
host Daniel Butler.
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-We all know how difficult it
can be to go into a pet store and not take home a puppy.
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They're just so cute and cuddly. And each one seems to be
saying, pick me, pick me, which
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is exactly what this guy
in Hallandale, Florida did. He walked into a pet
store, looked around
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at all the little
four legged friends, and then just picked one up. And walked out the door with it.
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Luckily, a witness saw
him run to his car, and took down his
license plate number.
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So before you know it,
the fluffy fella was back at the store and
our puppy poacher
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was spending some
time in his own cage down at the police station. [cartoon sound effects]
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Our next story is
written in poetic form. And we call it (SOUTHERN ACCENT)
"Ode to a Dumb Criminal."
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Brain of mush and
clothes of jail, he did scale the prison wall. Spots a car with driver there,
policeman too, he doesn't care.
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Make haste, make haste. Oh, can't you see? The warden, sure, is after me. Back to prison I will not go.
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What? Who's this? A cop? Uh oh. To the crook, two down of
our thumbs for something
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stupid this way comes. [cartoon sound effects] Sometimes criminals
claim that they've
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been illegally searched. Other times according to Orange
County, California officer Greg
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Blocker, they're
good enough to point out their illegal possessions. -They'll bring something
out of their pocket,
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and he'll look at and say,
that's not my cocaine. -That's not my cocaine. -Who's is it?
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-I don't know. -We, we haven't even
determined what it yet, but he's already told us that
it's cocaine it's not his.
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-Giving the cops a helping
hand in hanging himself. [cartoon sound effects] This disgruntled bank customer
in Irwindale, California
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got more than her
mouth washed out when she decided to take
matters into our own hands.
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Repeatedly. -Hello. Hello, is this the
Irwindale Bank? Yes? Well, you know you're
a [bleep] don't you?
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Yes, you're a [bleep] yes. You're [bleep] too. Yes, you are. Irwindale Bank [bleep] yes.
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Um, I'd like to speak
to the manager, please. You know, you're--
you're a son a [bleep]
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You're a son of [bleep]
do you know that? Yes, you are. No, yes you are. You're a [bleep]-head too.
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-Over the course
of a month she made over 1,500 obscene
phone calls to the bank.
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And believe it or not,
even took the time to write down her
slanderous speeches.
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-Hello, is the Irwindale Bank? Yeah? Yeah, well, you're a stupid
rotten bastard you are.
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Yeah, you are. Yeah, you're a pile
of [bleep] too. Yeah, you are. Yeah. You're a stupid big
bag of pig [bleep].
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I don't care. I don't care. You flea-infested sack
of [bleep] you are. Yeah, you are.
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Yeah, you are. You're [bleep]. Yeah, you are. You're a [bleep]. Yeah. Yeah, that's what you are.
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You're a [bleep]. [inaudible]. Yeah. [bleep] -Woah, excuse me. DANIEL BUTLER: Her lengthy,
law-breaking lecturers led
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the police to her
preferred pay phone where our delinquent dramatist
was waiting, script in hand.
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She now has six months
in minimum security to work on her Cliff Notes. NARRATOR: And now
Crimes of the Weak,
00:04:47
with Daniel Butler
and Beaumont Bacon. -I'm Daniel Butler and
this is my comical co-host,
00:04:51
Beaumont Bacon. -Hello, Daniel. -Hi, Beaumont. How are you doing today? -Well, certainly better than
this Wichita Falls woman.
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Hoping the state government
would forgive and forget she applied for clerical job
in the bad check department
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at the county attorney's office. -Bad check department, huh? -After monitoring her name
and social security number
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in the database,
the county attorney gave her a personal
one on one interview, reviewing her past experience
and present outstanding
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warrants for passing bad checks. -[laughs] -Not all she passed. -I take it she did
not get the job.
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-No. No, but she did get two to five. -Well. -Years. -We've got checks bouncing
from coast to coast, folks.
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A California woman tried
to cash a check made out to Mary Smith, Anytown, USA. -I take it her name
wasn't Mary Smith.
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-No. -And she wasn't
from Anytown, USA? -No. -But she insisted
the check was real.
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-Yeah. Even though it was printed on
a glossy coupon paper and was clipped from a magazine.
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-So she was, uh, arrested? -Yes. -I'm good. I'm-- I'm good, aren't I? -Yeah, you are.
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-Daniel, let's check out our-- TOGETHER: Viviot of the week. -The small town of
Casa Grande in Arizona
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was being victimized
by a thief with a very specific target, lawnmowers. Officer Smith on morning
patrol was on his way
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back to the station when he
passed a minivan was given off strange and
strong gas fumes.
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DANIEL BUTLER:
Well, I, I take it he stopped to see if
there was any problem. BEAUMONT BACON: You know it.
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-Hey, partner, is this your car? -Yeah. -Think you got a gas
leak or something. Come here.
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Can you smell that? -[inaudible] any gas. -Well, maybe it's
coming from inside. Can we check that out?
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What do got in the trunk? -Lawnmower. -Yeah, got a couple
of lawnmowers. You a gardener?
-I'm a garderer.
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-Why don't you
stand back up here on the sidewalk for a minute? -Trying to make a living.
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-OK. That's kind of interesting. -What's that? -See this nametag? -Uh huh. -Check this out.
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Smith. -So? -That's my lawnmower. -How do you know? -Because I bought it.
Turn around.
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-[inaudible]. -Turn around. You're under arrest. -For what? -For stealing my lawnmower.
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-What? I'm just working up
the street up here. -You're under arrest. Stole my lawnmower, man.
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-[inaudible]. Got a receipt for that? -I have a receipt for it. BEAUMONT BACON: Needless to
say, his freedom has been, uh,
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turned back a little. DANIEL BUTLER: Aged, as it were. Yeah. BEAUMONT BACON: [laughs]
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-People make personal calls
from work all the time. Whether you're attempting to
cut down on your home phone bill
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or subtly trying to make up
for that raise you didn't get, or because you just want to
share the events of your day
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with someone who cares. A guy in Lancaster,
North Carolina-- -Hey, Curt, Curt. DANIEL BUTLER: Decided to make
a few phone calls from a house--
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-Curt, yeah, hey.
Hey, this is Ken. DANIEL BUTLER: He
had just robbed and bragged to his friends--
-Hey, how you doing, buddy?
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DANIEL BUTLER: About
how well things were going for
him there at home. -Hey.
Hey, listen to me.
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Hey, listen to me.
Check this out. I have a great deal.
I got a great deal on this--
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DANIEL BUTLER: However,
one of his friends had caller ID scanning--
-TV/VCR that's [inaudible].
00:07:46
DANIEL BUTLER: On
their phone and knew that this number was not his.
-Listen to me.
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I got it for. DANIEL BUTLER: Knowing
that this guy was always getting into some kind of
trouble, his acquaintance--
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-OK, Curt, well, anyway-- DANIEL BUTLER: Immediately
contacted the police-- -Police department.
Get your hands up.
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DANIEL BUTLER: Who
quickly traced the call and picked the phone fool
up a few minutes later--
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-Drop the phone.
Drop it on the ground now. DANIEL BUTLER: As
he was preparing to contact someone else.
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However, they did let
him make one more call, but it could easily be
traced to the Lancaster
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Police Department. [music playing] Sometimes dumb criminals go out
of their way to invite trouble.
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The following is a case where
the RSVP came right away, courtesy of an astounded
Idaho police officer.
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The officer was summoned
to a garden city strip club on a report of a theft
from a parked car.
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However, when he got there
the gentleman got mad and told him to wait. -Sir, DANIEL BUTLER:
When he got there,
00:08:38
the men claimed that someone had
stolen $10,000 from his trunk. However, he was very reluctant
to let the officer look inside.
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-Please open the trunk, sir. -Well, I don't, I don't
really feel like it, sir. I'm
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DANIEL BUTLER: Finally, the man
agreed to let the officer look in the truck as
long as he promised
00:08:58
to only look for the money. The officer knew that
something was up and soon it all started making sense.
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The trunk was full of
large bags of marijuana. -Fin my money, sir, please. -Sir, at this time
you are under arrest.
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-What for? -Possession of marijuana. DANIEL BUTLER: A regular
Perry Mason, the suspect
00:09:18
argued mightily that
he should go free because of a little
known stupidity loophole.
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-You can't arrest for
me pot, you're just supposed to find my money, sir. DANIEL BUTLER: The officer
explained that the man allowed
00:09:28
him to look in the
truck and that the pot was in plain sight. That's when the guy
got upset and said,
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-I guess you're gonna arrest me
for the cocaine under my seat, too. -This next dumb criminal should
have looked before he peeped.
00:09:43
A very attractive vice
officer had successfully collared her John,
who was being led
00:09:47
away under protest
by her partner. -It's an undercover officer. -I didn't do nothing.
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-I need you to go
with me over here. DANIEL BUTLER: And with the
argument still in plain sight,
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a second parole bound paramour
decided to make his move. -Baby. -Hey. -What's the action like?
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-Hey, it's really
happening today. Yeah. -All right. So, uh, -What are you doing?
00:10:11
-What we got going today. -Well, we've got a real two
for one, it looks like to me,
00:10:15
right? -[inaudible]. -What do you think? -So, uh, how much, uh, -Oh, about this much
because you're under arrest.
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-What? Dude, what's that? -Put your hands behind
your back for me. -What are you talking about?
00:10:28
-There are times that I
agree with the statement, some men don't think
with their heads.
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Or in this case with
anything at all. [cartoon sound effects] What does a burglar do when
he's about to go on trial?
00:10:44
Think of excuses. Bad childhood, no money,
society's rejection, or this sweet
slice of silliness.
00:10:54
In West Palm Beach, Florida
a 54-year-old burglar was caught red-handed
in the act with tools,
00:11:00
loot, and clothes, et cetera. However, in court his lawyer
claimed that his client was
00:11:06
temporarily insane
because of cotton candy, which the clerk had been
eating throughout the day,
00:11:11
as well as during the robbery. He claimed that this cost is
client's blood sugar level
00:11:16
to shoot off the
chart, drastically impairing his judgment. Maybe he was just suffering from
some kind of disco dementia.
00:11:26
[cartoon sound effects] When checking out
of a hotel room it's always wise to make one
final sweep before leaving just
00:11:37
so you don't forget
something important, like this dumb criminal did. While cleaning up
one of his rooms
00:11:43
a hotel manager found a
beeper and a few other items that the previous
occupant had left behind.
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He used the pager to
find the owner who said he'd be back in a few
minutes to collect his things.
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-Yeah, this is the,
uh motel manager. Yeah. Yeah, I have your
pager right here. Yeah, I was just trying
to get a hold of you.
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You gonna come pick it up? Oh, great. Great. I've got your pager and,
uh, a couple other things.
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Yeah. Room 17, right? Yeah, OK. DANIEL BUTLER:
Then the clerk made one more little phone call.
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-Yeah, police? Yeah, this is the motel
manager on fifth street. Yeah. I got a pager here and,
uh, along with the pager
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I found some narcotics, or it
looks like narcotics to me. I was wondering if you can
send someone down here.
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-An officer showed up
a few minutes later and insisted on witnessing the
reunion of the lost property
00:12:42
and its rightful
owner first hand. It was a very touching
moment for all involved.
00:12:48
In fact I, I think I'm
getting a bit verklempt. Excuse me. [sniffs] That pager was so lost.
00:12:56
[music playing] Armored cars or an inviting
target for dumb criminals because behind all that armor
there's usually a lot of money.
00:13:09
But one crackpot crook
learned that the armored door swings both ways. Armed and definitely
dangerous the criminal
00:13:18
came out of nowhere and
took the guard by surprise. -Stick them up! Get around the car.
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Get around. Oh! Look at all this money. DANIEL BUTLER: And
that's when the heist
00:13:28
hit a snag, a solid steel snag. [banging] CROOK: Hey! -Hey, why'd you shut the door?
00:13:38
-We have a special deposit. DANIEL BUTLER: The police could
tell it was a brand new crime
00:13:42
because the freshness
was locked in, which will soon be
a familiar feeling for our bungling burglar.
00:13:50
Deputy Gary Worley of the Harris
County Sheriff's Department in Houston has learned
after 18 years on the force
00:13:56
to leave his work at the office. What he didn't realize
was that sometimes it's waiting on you
when you get home.
00:14:04
-We were working a
Saturday evening. We're tired, hot, and sweaty. I'm coming home and I pull
up in front of my house
00:14:12
and there is a car in my yard. It is parked on the
grass in my yard. I turn the overheads
on, get out, walk up,
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and here's a guy passed out
drunk in the front seat. [laughs from behind the camera]
00:14:25
So being the warm, fuzzy
guy I am, hey, wake up. Wake up. "Yeah, man, whatcha need?"
00:14:34
Man, where are you? "Uh, here?" [laughs from behind the camera] OK. I see what I'm dealing with.
00:14:43
What are you doing here? "Uh, my girlfriend's a waitress. And I'm waiting on
her to get home."
00:14:49
Now this is a guy that
has parked his tuna boat in my front
yard on the grass. [laughs from behind the camera]
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And I'm looking at him. I said, get out of the car.
"Uh, she said I could wait here.
00:14:59
She lives here." [laughs from behind the camera] Get out of the car. Put him in my car.
00:15:05
Now this is just a PI,
Class C, dumb and stupid. Too much to drink,
not enough brains.
00:15:10
So because I take
him out of the car, I have to tow the car to
get it out of my yard.
00:15:17
Trouble is when I'm inventorying
the car prior to towing, I find all his marijuana.
00:15:23
And a simple class
C nothing just turned into a felony arrest. The defense attorney
called me later.
00:15:29
And said, tell me that what I'm
reading didn't really happen. Hey, bud, if you can't
handle the truth,
00:15:33
I don't know what to tell you.
[laughs from behind the camera] That's it. [music playing]
00:15:41
-On a fine autumn day a store
clerk in Twin Falls, Idaho had just stepped outside to
admire the beautiful clouds
00:15:48
in the sky, the
leaves turning color, and the suddenly
exposed man who had just climbed into
the store window.
00:15:54
The flabbergasted
store clerk pointed to the immodest
mannequin and said, -What the hell are you
doing in my window?
00:16:02
You're naked. Get out! DANIEL BUTLER: But
the bare-bottomed boob wouldn't budge.
00:16:07
The cops were called and
after a brief struggle Twin Cheeks was escorted to the
county jail, where he was given
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30 days to reflect on
his measurable talents. [music playing] Just about the time that
I think I've seen it
00:16:22
all something like this
surveillance tape comes along. You can see a woman
working on an assembly line
00:16:29
as she quickly takes something
and hides it carefully down the front of her shirt.
00:16:33
It's not money, or
gold, or even diamonds. It's gall stones [cow mooing] From a cow.
00:16:40
Seems that they are used as
some kind of aphrodisiac, uh, in the Asian market and
they're considered valuable.
00:16:48
Gallstones? Whatever happened to just a
simple dinner and a movie? Moo-vie. [music playing]
00:17:01
Thanks for watching. Join us next week as we continue
to highlight the lawfully challenged losers here on
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:17:10
NARRATOR: On the next episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals." [imitating barking]
00:17:14
A couple of kids
have a counter fit. A man enjoys his
room with you view. [sirens sound]
00:17:22
Cops play a little
follow the loser. -I just took zeros and
pasted it on a $1 bill.
00:17:30
NARRATOR: A woman shares
her arts and crafts secrets. -You're guilty. NARRATOR: The laughs
just keep coming
00:17:36
on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -Stop or I'll shoot! Bang! -They had, uh, been looking for
this guy on a felony warrant
00:17:43
and they had some
good information that he was in a
particular house. When they went in
to look for him,
00:17:49
there was a canine officer
and a couple of other officers with him, well, they
searched the entire house
00:17:55
and to no avail, they
couldn't find the guy. Well, while they were in
one of the bedrooms, uh,
00:18:00
talking amongst each other,
a couple of the other couple officers that were there, uh,
noticed that the dog alerted
00:18:07
on one of the stereo
speakers in the room. And, uh, [laughs]
the next thing they
00:18:14
hear is a voice coming
from inside the speaker cabinet saying, oh,
hey, I'm gonna give up.
00:18:18
I'm coming out. Uh, just get the
dog away from me. Uh, apparently the
speaker cabinet
00:18:22
was hollowed out enough to
where this gentleman who was, like I said,
was about 6' 3".
00:18:26
Was folded up
inside the speaker. And was just about
ready to pass out from heat exhaustion
from what he told me.
00:18:33
And they, I guess they
took the cover off and this guy was all pretzled
up inside this cabinet.
00:18:39
And they still can't
figure out how, how he managed to get
inside this cabinet. He was starting to
get quite hot inside
00:18:45
and was just completely
dripping from head to toe. [cartoon sound effects] [music playing]