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NARRATOR: This is
an ADC warning. The crimes you are
about to see are true. Only the names were changed
to protect the ignorant.
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Tonight, you'll meet a bandit
with a beer box for a brain, surveillance camera footage
of the shortest workday
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in history, and the dumb
criminal who cashed and burned. All these and more tonight on
America's Dumbest Criminals.
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-Hi, and welcome to the show. I'm Daniel Butler. You know, contrary to the
popular image of graceful cat
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burglars, most of our
crooks make a lot of noise-- breaking glass, knocking
over trash cans,
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yelling as they fall
down elevator shafts. We've heard them all. But these chimes of crime
are always drowned out
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by the clanging of
the jail cell door. After all, they are
America's dumbest criminals.
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NARRATOR: Retired
officer David Hunter tells the story of
the "Beer Box Bandit."
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-Probably the most
inept criminal that I ever encountered
in my career we came to call the
beer box bandit.
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He and his girlfriend went out
to rob a convenience store. When he got there,
he didn't have
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a mask, so he ripped the
insides out of a beer carton, pulled it over
his head so he had
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to turn sideways to
look out the crack. Went into the store and
actually robbed the clerk.
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And five minutes
after the robbery, she drove by about
15 police cars. And he threw the money
bag out the window.
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They still had the beer
bottles when they caught him. A week later, he's out on bond.
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He decides to do another daring
robbery at the same location, because nobody will expect it.
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This time, with the beer
box in place over his head, he stumbles towards the door.
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But the clerk from the previous
robbery recognizes him. She locks him out
of the building.
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He tells his
friends, we'll go rob another convenience
store while they're here.
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The only thing was,
this was a new store. The clerk was locked
in a bulletproof cage.
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And when he went in and
took the pistol out, she locked him inside the store
with an electronic door lock.
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And that's where he
was when the officers arrived to take
him into custody. NARRATOR: And he was
a founding member
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of the witless
protection program. ADC quiz number 444--
after handing the teller
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a holdup note, a reluctant
robber changed his mind and fled in a hurry. He left something
with the teller
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that led police directly to him. Did he forget A, the holdup
note with his fingerprints,
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B, the keys to his getaway
car, or C, to think? The correct answer
is all of the above.
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Of course, having the
world's largest getaway car didn't help either. Next, Patrick Adamson tells
ADC about a dumb criminal
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who picked the right house. -Broken residential burglary. I had a bunch of burglaries
involving silver dollars.
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So I contacted all the
convenience stores in the area and told them if anybody came in
with a bunch of silver dollars
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to let me know. I knew what house, and
I also knew who it was, but I didn't have enough
evidence to get him.
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Well, it wasn't
30 minutes later, the store calls me
and says, this guy came in with a bunch
of silver dollars.
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So I rounded him up
and got the money. And I took him by
the house I thought that he had broke in to.
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-Is that the house you robbed? -No. No. It's the next block. Go down here, turn left.
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-He said, no, no, that's
not the house I broke in to. And he took me to the house
that he actually broke in to.
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NARRATOR: Now, actual
surveillance cam footage of a dumb criminal's answer
to the one-minute manager--
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it's one-minute labor. Here you see a government
employee showing up for work and taking the cover
off the time clock.
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Now he's adjusting the
time and about to punch in. Well, now it's off to work
for a busy morning of-- oh,
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about eight seconds
of real labor before it's back and
time to manipulate the time clock again.
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And you know what? Hey, I'm feeling kind of hungry. Yeah, I think I'll
punch out for lunch now.
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Yeah, it's been
about 20 seconds. Time for lunch. And after a healthy lunch, it's
time to punch out for the day
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and put the cover back
on the old time clock. You know, in the private sector
this guy might have been fired.
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But since he works
for the government, he's just finishing his
third term as a US senator.
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Next up, a dumb criminal
grins and bears is at all. When a small mom and pop store
was robbed by a lone gunman,
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the prime suspect was quickly
spotted by everyone in town. The fleeing felon's first
explanation of his nude jogging
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was very interesting. -Howdy. -How are you doing? -I'm fine, thanks. -What are you doing today?
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-I'm just out for a jog. Just like in tune
with nature, you know? -You don't have any guns,
knives, anything on you,
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do you? -No, ma'am, I don't. -No weapons? -No. I'm just out for a jog. -We're here.
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-What have you got there? -Just some lunch, you know. -Just some lunch? NARRATOR: The officer received
a radio call about the robbery
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down the street. -What have you been
doing this afternoon? -Just jogging. -You didn't by chance
rob a market, did you?
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-I-- -What are you doing
running around naked? -I figured nobody
would recognize me.
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I wouldn't be the guy with a
black shirt and green pants. You know, I'm just-- I'm naked.
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NARRATOR: The naked truth
of the dumb criminal plan. Case clothed. Later tonight, an
outdoorsman turned
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dumb criminal goes fishing. -You know, when we steered
our mobile crime unit towards Birmingham,
Alabama, we received
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a warm southern welcome
and a whole gaggle of dumb criminal stories. NARRATOR: Next up, a
bean-for-brains in Birmingham
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finds out he's
been "Bed-Framed." -Call a guy one time, we
went to his parents' house.
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The parents said
he wasn't there. We looked for this guy,
and we looked for him.
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Looked under the bed, over
the bed, closets, everywhere. So we look under the
bed and don't see him,
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we look across the bed
and we don't see him. And my partner just happened
to walk to the side of the bed,
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and there he was up against
the wall, and had the mattress and the bed push him
up against the wall.
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-Let me see your hands! -I can't get up. Help me out. -Let me see your hands! -He was stuck and yelling
at my partner, help me out.
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My partner said, I didn't
help you get over there. You have to get out
of that by yourself.
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NARRATOR: He was
definitely downright dumb. In Ohio, it used to be
against the law for a woman
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to wear patent leather shoes. But she could wear latex rubber
jumpers and spandex muumuus.
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Paul Heaton recalls a car
thief with a Novocaine brain in "Forwarding Address." -About two months
ago, I got a call
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for service to go
to a parking lot. Caller called in and said
there were several teenagers
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around a car in
the lot that they thought was probably stolen. So as soon as the police
cars started to arrive,
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these three teenagers
took off running. I happen to catch one of them
after a short foot chase.
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And as soon as I
had handcuffed him, the first words out
of his mouth were-- -Why?
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What are you doing, man? I didn't steal no car. -I said, I haven't said
anything about a stolen car.
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This kind of threw
him off a little bit. So I led him back to the
parking lot where my car was
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and where the stolen car
was still parked in the lot. And he's back there
in the back thinking
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that he's under arrest
for running from the cops. I haven't mentioned
anything about a stolen car.
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-Man, am I going to jail? -Yes, you are. -Can I get my hat
and my mail first? -Where is it?
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-It's in my car over there. -Well, of course that
was the stolen car. So I said, OK.
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I went over there and got
about five pieces of mail with his name and address
on it, and his toboggan.
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I came back and said,
these are yours? Yep. I said, all right. Thank you. -Thanks.
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What about my hat? -You sure it's not stolen, too? -Within a week's
time, I believe,
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they had linked
him to between 10 and 20 other larceny
involvements. NARRATOR: Now,
actual surveillance
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cam footage we
call "Truck Trap." This is a dumb
criminal in action. Why? Number one, he's committing
his crime in broad daylight.
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Number two, he broke the
glass with his bare hands, number three, he had
trouble unlocking the door,
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number four, he
rummages around the cam rather than driving off,
which allows the police time
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to arrive, which leads us to
number five, he gets busted. And now, inside the courtroom
for "Trial And Error."
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From actual courtroom
transcripts, a butter brain gets
toasted in "Jam It." -Officer Gillette, at about what
time did you arrive at the bank
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and see the alleged robber? -4:30 in the afternoon. -I see. And at what time did
you place the robber
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into custody one block away? -5 o'clock, twilight. -Sir, why would it take anyone
30 minutes to travel one block?
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-We got stuck in
rush hour traffic. NARRATOR: Later
tonight, two world class dumbos take their buns and run
on America's Dumbest Criminals.
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NARRATOR: Next up,
Rory Morgan guest stars in a story we labeled
"The Name Brand Robbery."
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When a woman approached a bank
teller in Bowling Green, Ohio, no one suspected
she was anything
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more than another customer. But suddenly, the
stakes went up. Brandishing an electronic
handheld device,
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the woman threatened the teller
and the lives of everyone in the bank. -Everybody freeze.
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Lady, give me all the money. This is a remote control
to a car bomb out here. I will level this
place, and I mean it!
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Don't move. NARRATOR: The bank
employees glanced nervously at one another. It was not a threat to be taken
lightly-- or so it seemed.
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-I'm not giving her anything. NARRATOR: But suddenly,
one of the tellers grew surprisingly
and defiantly bold.
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The teller walked out
from behind the counter to confront the
would-be bank robber.
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She wrestled the
woman to the ground, and the police were
called to the scene. What made the teller
think that the woman
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wouldn't detonate the bomb? Maybe it was the brand
name printed plainly on the end of the
garage door opener--
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which she can now use
to close her cell door. Now, actual footage of
the amazing "Tuna Shield."
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A dumb criminal approached this
store with a loaded pistol. Once inside the sore, he
demanded money from the clerk
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and aimed his pistol directly
at the clerk's chest. When the clerk grabbed
this box of tuna enhancer,
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even though it was just
cardboard and uncooked pasta, the tuna enhancer was strong
enough to deflect the bullet
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and save the clerk's life. The dumb criminal was thwarted
by a quick and easy meal.
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-Maybe this stuff when
it's dry like this, maybe it's just strong. I don't know.
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NARRATOR: David Jones
of Wilton Manors tells the flock-headed
truth in "Freeze--
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We're Not The Police." -We made a couple control
purchases out of a house, and we were drawing
up a search warrant.
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We executed this
particular search warrant. We had our usual raid gear
on with our vest and our guns
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and all the attire
identifying us as police. During that time, a
female comes to the door,
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knocks on the door. And we answer the door
in our police shirts, four, five-inch letters,
police across our chest,
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ask for the particular
person we have already arrested and
transported to the jail.
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We said, he's not here. What do you need? She wants cocaine. So she comes in the house
and she starts looking at us,
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and she's looking, obviously,
at what we're wearing, not to mention the
vest and the guns
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laying out on the
couch and the counter. You guys aren't police, are you? Said, no, we're not police.
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We're just taking
over what's his face. And she says, well, all right. Give me a half gram.
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Well, let me see some money. So she hands over the money. We say, we lied. We are the police.
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She went to jail, too. NARRATOR: In Florida, it used to
be against the law for children
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to be stubborn. But you could make
them nauseous at will. Next, a [inaudible]
moron lets the big one
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get away in "Gone Fishing." In a small town
in East Tennessee, the infamous Greenback Bank
sat on the main road, which
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was the only road in
or out of town, which made it very easy to
catch bank robbers.
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-This is a holdup. Fill the bag. Nobody move. Hurry. Nobody move. NARRATOR: One day,
a local fisherman
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decided to rob the bank on foot,
and he made a clean getaway. -Hurry. What you looking at?
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NARRATOR: Knowing the
area well, the fisherman hid the money in an old tree
by the creek, then settled
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in his cabin to wait
through the winter until spring when he
could finally spend
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the money without
raising suspicions. Come spring, the thawing ice and
snow had made the river flood
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and carry most of the stolen
money out of the hollow tree. -I got a gun. Did y'all catch any?
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-Yeah. I got four 20s. -I got a 50. -That ain't nothing. I got two C notes in the cove.
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-Well, heck with a lemon. NARRATOR: The fishermen were
pulling in the really big ones
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before the police
put two and two together and arrested
the fishing guy. together and arrested
the fishing guy.
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Next up, two dumb
criminals go from fast food to jail food in "Take
Your Buns And Run."
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One cool summer night,
two dumb criminals who were hungry and broke
decided on a quick way
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to remedy both problems--
with their shotgun. Unbeknownst to the burger
burglars, a passing canine unit
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noticed that the two
men waiting in line were holding large guns. -Give me everything!
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Hurry up! -All right, dog. You don't [inaudible]
so long, man. -If we would have gone
to Fat Moe's, man,
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we would have had our money
and burgers by now, dog. -[inaudible]. -Oh no, you got [inaudible].
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-He got to tell you? -Hurry up. NARRATOR: In their haste,
the two dumb criminals
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dropped the money but took the
burgers, the scent of which led the canine unit
straight to the men.
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In Virginia, it used to be
against the law for a horse to appear in public
without a halter.
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It was just
considered rude to eat lobster without a lobster bib. Next up, Randy Stull
recalls someone
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who gets what he
deserves-- "Cash And Burn." -We were having problems
with a young boy that
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turned to arson as a trademark. He tried to do a
bank job one night, and things didn't exactly turn
out the way he had planned.
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And you could tell that he
had given it some thought. He had stolen a car,
and he cased out
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a bank that had a glass
front and even a glass rear. He took the vehicle
and he crashed it
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through one of the big
plate glass windows. Evidently, there was
no alarm activated.
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As he ran in the bank, this
had to be a quick job just in case there were
motion sensors.
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So he skirted around the bank,
and he found several bank bags. He grabbed them. Well, he ran back up with
his loot, got in the car,
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and went several blocks
north on the same street. And when he got further up
in the residential section,
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he had opened up the
bank bags and discovered that the back of the bank
was no longer a bank section,
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but it belonged to a
real estate company. The bags that he
had basically had worthless documents
and receipts in it.
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-Well, we're out of time again. Our continued thanks to
the policemen and women for their stories.
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I'm Daniel Butler
saying, don't be dumb. Don't break the law, or
we'll see you next time
00:18:41
on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." [music playing] [music playing]