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NARRATOR: This is
an ADC warning. The crimes you are
about to see are true. Only the names were changed
to protect the ignorant.
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[theme music] DANIEL BUTLER: Tonight
you'll see an unbelievably cooperative criminal,
surveillance cam footage
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of a casino full
of dumb criminals, and some dumb criminals who
have serious car trouble.
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All this and more on
"America's Dumbest Criminals". -Welcome to "America's
Dumbest Criminals".
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I'm Daniel Butler. Our constant study
of the criminal mind has led us to formulate
several truisms regarding
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the criminal mind, such as,
the buses don't go out that far and the lights are
on, but nobody's home.
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Join us now in scraping the
poop from the shoes of justice as we open the files on
America's dumbest criminals.
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DANIEL BUTLER: Ed Leach and
Robert Cox prevent some slime balls from slipping
away in "Car Trouble".
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-I was on patrol when I was
checking on my drug houses. And I saw a white
Datsun Station Wagon
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with a primer fender and
different colored doors, like it was white on one side
and brown on the other side.
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And I stopped. And I knew everybody
who was in the car. I mean, they talked to me.
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And-- -OK.
Great. -We're just having a good time. -You need to get your
taillight fixed, all right?
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I can tell your
friend's drunk here so you can take him on home. -Yeah, and get that
taillight fixed.
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Thanks. -All right. -Thank you, Officer Leach. ED LEACH: About three
hours later, a robbery
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goes out, give a
description of the car, matches it to a T. I
talked to the officer
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who worked the actual robbery. And he told me that one of them
was so drunk inside the store
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that the others had to
come back in the store and grab him and drag
him out of the store.
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So it didn't take say an
hour, an hour and a half. We had them all rounded up,
all charged with robbery.
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And they still
could not figure out how we figured out it was them. So he'd just written the
driver a ticket an hour ago.
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So we had the ID on him. So we knew who it
belonged to and all. I remember when I went up
there and picked them up.
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-How did you find us so fast? I mean, what are you
guys, super cops or what? -One, you gave me
your driver's license.
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Two, it's only a half hour show. DANIEL BUTLER: And we can do
a miniseries on these idiots.
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ADC quiz number 463. A crook in Missouri
found himself unable to break through the
ceiling of a local business.
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What stopped him? Was it A, a laser alarm system,
B, a concrete cross beam, Or C,
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the overhead lighting in
which he got tangled up? The correct answer was C.
To add to his embarrassment,
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there was a fashion show
going on at the time. Next, a feebleminded
schoolgirl finds
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crime isn't all it's
cracked up to be. -This was on a traffic stop. A young lady, she's
on her way to school.
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I pulled her over for speeding. And she couldn't show
me any driver license or any ID or nothing like that.
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So I said, OK, fine, then just
show me your registration. She said, I don't
have my registration.
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And I said, well, I'm gonna
look in your glove compartment. She said, you can look all over
the car you want to, but you
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cannot go in my
globe compartment. -No. No, you can't-- you
can't look in there.
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-Ma'am, let me look in
the glove compartment. -I know my rights. I know the law.
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I watch TV. You can look
anywhere in this car, but you can't look in
that glove compartment.
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-I said, oh, OK. No problem. So, anyway, she didn't have
any ID or nothing like that.
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So I automatically arrested
her driver license. So then that gave me
the right automatically
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to go in the glove
compartment cause I want to cause they're
gonna tow the car. So I open the glove compartment.
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It was packed with $400,000
worth of rock cocaine. -Ma'am-- -See ? I told you the registration
wasn't in there.
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Can I go now? DANIEL BUTLER: And now from
the ADC security cam vaults. A story we call "Joker's Wild".
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These dumb criminals
are concentrating on robbing a casino. They are so busy
with their work,
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they don't notice how
much noise they're making, banging drawers,
knocking over chairs.
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However, these
patrons do notice. And they alert security
that something is amiss.
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At which point,
the dumb criminals realize it's time to run off. Or at least fall clumsily
over the front counter.
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But it's too late. The Calvary has arrived in the
form of a single officer, who nevertheless is enough to
send the whole gang fleeing
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into the waiting arms
of the police outside. Ted Chamberlain
remembers some kids
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with leaky brain pans
in "Keys to the City". -Now this kid goes up there. He's a pretty good kid.
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He goes up and steals a car. It's a real nice one. It's a nice car. Kid takes off with
the car, all right?
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Goes and picks up
his buddy, right? So the two of them--
they go to this car wash.
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They wash it and
everything else. It's-- I mean, they got
it looking good now, OK?
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And then they go riding
to show everybody off this nice car they stole. Well, they want to go to
this place called a hotel.
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But they don't want to
drive this car there cause there's a bunch
of other hoodlums.
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They don't want anybody to
steal this thing from them. So they hide it behind a
school which is close by.
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They get out of the
car, close the doors, and they go walking
off, all right? -What have you done?
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TED CHAMBERLAIN: They
come back to take a ride. They locked the keys in the car.
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So they said, god. So these guys call a locksmith. -There. Man, what have you-- TED CHAMBERLAIN:
So in the meantime,
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a cruiser looks and
he sees this car. And he runs a tag. It comes back stolen. So they sit and
they're watching it.
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The locksmith comes up. Cop's watching. Locksmith goes over
there, unlocks the car.
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They pay him $30. Right. Everybody jumps in the car. The cruiser comes out, says,
hey, what are you doing?
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Took them off to jail. DANIEL BUTLER: Later
on tonight's show, a dumb criminal who gets
way too much starch.
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DANIEL BUTLER: Next up,
Perry Knowles recalls a guy with sticky fingers
and a slimy brain.
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-Another case back a few years
we were having smash and grabs on drugstore burglaries, where
they'd smash the front glass
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out, go in with a
pillowcase and coat hanger, and grab all the class one
narcotics, rake it in it
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and get back out. Well, it seemed like
this particular gang had a little side bet going
as to who had the best time.
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Well, we had set up on
several of the drugstores. And on this one
particular one, we'd
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managed to apprehend one of
the individuals involved in it. Well, he had the best time
going, 27 seconds from the time
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he smashed the door out,
get in, get the narcotics, and get back to the
getaway car and get away.
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Well, he didn't have any of his
buddies to witness his time. The only way that his story
could be substantiated
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with his time, I convinced
him to give us a confession. If he wanted his time
known to all his buddies.
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-Man. -I'll be your witness. I'll verify it. -You'll verify it? -Yes. Official document.
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I'll verify it. -All right, man. -How long did it take you? -27 seconds. -27 seconds.
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-27.
-Fellas. Right here. 27 seconds. -What? -Yeah! Yeah! PERRY KNOWLES: He
admitted to the burglary
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as a result of getting his
time of 27 seconds published and went to prison for it.
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DANIEL BUTLER: In New York,
it used to be against the law to weave while
walking on a sidewalk.
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But you could slip and
slide and peep and hide. Next up, a dumb criminal
living in fantasy land
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claims she's married to the man. -All right. Back when I was working
narcotics, part of my duties
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was to investigate
forged prescriptions at the local pharmacies. This one particular pharmacy I
walked into, I showed them ID,
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told them who I was. And the lady says, oh, I just
talked to your wife last week.
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-She was a nice lady. Very, very nice.
-No. I don't-- -I think it's so
nice that's she's
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helping you out on
the investigations. -She is. -Real nice lady. -My wife-- SCOTT MCDONA: Right
away I knew something
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was wrong because
I wasn't married. -McDona, right? -So I was saying, well, exactly
what was my wife saying?
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-Well, she was asking
about Doctor Cox. She was asking how to
fill out a prescription.
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-Uh-huh. -You know, she was
over here at the side. She was hanging out,
watching everything.
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She's-- she knows
just what to do. -Yeah. -Very nice lady. And her hair cut-- oh.
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Cute. -And when they started
describing the lady, I knew exactly who
my wife was then.
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It was a lady that
I had arrested several times before
for the same thing. I went out to her house,
knocked on the door.
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And she came to the
door, oh, Officer McDona, how can I help you? -I said, well, Susan,
you've been going in these--
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-What you been up to? SCOTT MCDONA:
--pharmacies again. -Nothing. SCOTT MCDONA: And she says,
oh, no, that's not me.
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That's not me. I swear it's not me. -No.
-You're not using anything? SCOTT MCDONA: And I
tried talking to her.
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Then finally I said-- -Well, just one other thing-- -Yeah? -When is it that you
and I got married?
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[laughing] -You married to me? -Yeah. [laughing] -I don't think so. You really think
I'd marry a cop?
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-Uh-huh. -That's a really funny joke. You are so funny. -No, no, no. Come on. -And she went back to jail.
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-Do we really have to
get married or something? -No, we'll see a judge. DANIEL BUTLER: And now,
J.R. Johnson with a story we
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call "No Pets Allowed". -I did stop a guy on the
traffic stop one time and ask him what his hurry was.
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And he told me that his dog
had to use the bathroom. I've heard the, I've
got to use the bathroom
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but his dog had to
use the bathroom. But there was no dog in the car. [laughing]
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DANIEL BUTLER: It must've been
one of those invisible dogs. -Yeah. DANIEL BUTLER: Now we take
you inside the courtroom
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for "Trial and Error". From actual courtroom
transcripts, proof that mom knows best.
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-Ms. Patty, you were walking
through the revolving doors just as the bank robber
was running through.
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Is that correct? -Yes. And I told him to stop. -And what did you do when
he continued to flee?
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-I said, you just wait till
your father gets home, son. DANIEL BUTLER: Later
tonight, a dumb criminal
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who's so dumb he
glows in the dark. [music playing] [music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: Next
up, David Hunter
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recalls a man whose
cerebellum was made entirely from lunch meat. -One February night,
the temperature
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was about zero probably with a
wind chill factor of 20 below. Been behind an old
vehicle that was being
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driven erratically
on a rural road. He saw my police car--
saw the lights on my car
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before I turned them on. And he apparently panicked. We came out of the
car, faced each other
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from about 20 feet away. And I said, don't
even think about it. Of course, he did.
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He turned, jumped
into a creek, where the water was about waist high. And I watched him wade away.
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Well, I knew that there was
no telephone and no place where he can get inside except
the lot where I was sitting
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or a bar up the street. So I positioned myself
to do some paperwork. About 30 minutes later, he waded
out of the woods attempting
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to make it to the bar
where I was surveying. But his legs had frozen. His blue jeans had frozen.
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-I'm freezing. I'm going in for a beer. -No, you can come with me. -You got beer in the car?
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Great. Let's go. -Put your hands on the hood. -Oh! Oh, That's warm. Oh, thank you.
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Oh god, thank you. DANIEL BUTLER: Nothing like
the warm hood of a police car when you're iced.
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Next, Dan Newman reports
on a smooth operator who's got his number. -I was just in there
doing paperwork.
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And a guy calls up. And I knew it was long-distance. -Hello? -Hey, man. I'm looking for some drugs.
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And I hear you guys
can get anything. Can you get me some ephedrine. -Yeah, well, gee, look, I don't
have it here with me now but I
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got a couple guys who can
hook me up no problem. DAN NEWMAN: I said, I'll
set you up with them.
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-Can we meet somewhere
out in California? -And I'm like, all right. And we made a
connection with him,
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met him in Barstow,
California, and sold him $60,000 worth of ephedrine. -Hey. Man, you got the stuff?
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-Yeah, I got it. -Right. -That's what I'm looking for. All right. -You got the money?
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-I got my end. -All right. Hey, man, I'm curious. How'd you get my number? -I got it off the bathroom wall.
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-No kidding. -It said you're the man who
can take care of everything. -Well, I sure am
glad you called.
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-Gotta go now. -All right, man. -Police!
-Get on the ground! Get on the ground! -Let me see your hands!
-Get on your legs!
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-Get down!
Let's go. -Get down now! -Let me see your hands, buddy. DANIEL BUTLER: In
Pennsylvania, it
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used to be against the
law to curse on Sunday. Violators would
have their mouths
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washed out with
waxed playing cards. Retired officer Hi Powell
proves that a poor workman
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blames his tools. -One time there was
a fellow who was an old burglar-- a safe
burglar-- here in town.
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One time I saw him
in his backyard practicing climbing a rope. So I kept watching him.
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And I saw him load a lot
of tools into his car. Later that night
I happened to mark
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his tools with a
fluorescent pencil. I listed his name and address
and that it was his property
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and to call the Las
Vegas Police Department. -Eddie, you broke
into this place. -No, I didn't break
into this building.
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-These are your tools. HI POWELL: And low and behold--
-Yeah, they are. -No! No!
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-Let's look and see. HI POWELL: --that
night he was arrested. I put a fluorescent
light on his tool
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house, his hammers, and chisels. -That's your name. -Yeah, that is my name. But in the divorce my
wife got the house,
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the car, and all the tools. All I got was the
[bleep] Crock-Pot and I can't even cook.
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-There was his name and
address and phone number. [laughing] DANIEL BUTLER: A
Crock-Pot for a crackpot.
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[music playing] [music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: Next
up, a dumb criminal who literally asked
for it in "Search Me".
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-We were working with
the narcotics unit. We were on a particular
street corner checking out some
of the local drug
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dealers, a small
group of them there. While we were out talking to
them, another guy came over--
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-What did you do this for? -Hey, you guys
wanna search me too? PAUL HEATON: Well, normally you
would think someone who offers
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to be searched is probably not
gonna have anything on them. A particular officer who was
working with me said, OK.
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So he searched him
down, pulled out a bag of crack cocaine
out of his pocket. [inaudible]
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[inaudible] PAUL HEATON: So we arrested him. And while he was in
the car, you kind of
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have to ask, why did
you come up to us? We were searching these guys. We weren't even talking to you.
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And he said, that's the way
I get along with the cops. I'm always real nice. And y'all don't harass me.
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Usually the cops will,
you know, treat me right. Then, too, he said, I really
forgot I had that in my pocket.
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[laughing] -I said, OK. [music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: In
Wyoming, it used to be against the
law for a woman
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to drink alcohol
unless she was wearing a full length barf shield. This is actual surveillance
cam footage from a convenience
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store which had bullet proof
glass to protect the clerk. So when this man came
in to rob that clerk,
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he electronically locked the
doors to the convenience store. But rather than waste
time throwing something
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through the glass or just
sitting down and waiting for the police to
arrive and arrest him,
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our dumb criminal made
good use of his time and made this breakthrough
surveillance cam
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dumb criminal home
video aerobic workout. Doofus guarantees that if you
use his [inaudible] three times
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a week for 15 minutes, you'll
lose at least seven inches off your waist and 10
years off your life.
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To use the dumb criminal
aerobic workout at home, simply lock your front door
and repeat after doofus.
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Run door to door. Kick it with your
left leg or right leg. And then run back. Be sure and use the dead bolt.
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[music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: As
always, we're out of time before
we're out of crime.
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Our thanks to the men and
women of law enforcement. Until next time, I'm Daniel
Butler saying, don't be dumb.
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Don't break the law. We'll catch you. Next time on "America's
Dumbest Criminals".
00:18:46
Good night. [music playing]