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NARRATOR: This is
an ADC Warning. The crimes you are
about to see are true. Only the names were changed
to protect the ignorant.
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[theme music] Tonight, you'll meet a
dumb criminal who can hide, but he can't run.
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A dumb criminal who becomes
the Houdini of dumb crime, and a guy that gets put on the
beat cycle at the laundromat.
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These and more tonight on
"America's Dumbest Criminals." -Welcome to "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
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I'm Daniel Butler. We visited many of
America's greatest cities in our mobile crime unit seeking
the smallest minds in crime.
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And you're about to meet
the ones who didn't get away as we open the files on
America's dumbest criminals.
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NARRATOR: Now Clarke
Paris of Las Vegas tells how small minds
can get into big trouble
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in "Over the Plead Limit." CLARKE PARIS: I'd stopped a
car for speeding in a school
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zone which is a hefty
fine here, and the person starts arguing with me,
"I wasn't speeding."
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I said, well I'm not
going to argue with you. Give me your stuff, and I'm
going to write the ticket.
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"No, I wasn't speeding,
you have someone else." And I explained, there's no
one else on the road, it's you.
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So I can of got
in this argument. And then my dispatcher
comes on the radio and says,
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are you clear, 411? Meaning this vehicle's
a stolen vehicle. I had a felony vehicle and
out comes the gun, I said,
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-Freeze! -Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Put your hands up. -All right, I was speeding.
I was speeding.
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Whatever you say-- -Then the person's
like, OK, OK, I was speeding, whatever you say.
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I was speeding. But it's is just kind of
funny because they actually thought I pulled my gun
because they were arguing
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over the speeding, because they
didn't understand the radio traffic that it
was a stolen car.
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NARRATOR: ADC Quiz Number 22. On any Kentucky highway it
is illegal for women to wear,
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A. A swimsuit, B. A white
suit, string tie and a goatee, or C. Tattoos depicting
Old Testament scenes.
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The correct answer
is A. A swimsuit. However, it was legal for
a group of men and women
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to rotate in their underwear. Next, Roy Williams of Birmingham
remembers some pinheads who
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built their own jailhouse
in, "Ladder-way Hain't." -I was checking the
doctor's office.
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It was in an older house,
great, big older house, and I could hear somebody
in the place talking.
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So I peeped through
the window, and I could say six individuals
in the doctor's office.
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Inside this-- this old house. Had steel bars on all the
doors and all the windows.
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Well, I noticed that there
was a ladder on the side of the house, and I
pull the ladder down.
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What had happened, the
burglars had crawled on top of the house,
knocked a hole in it,
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dropped down inside. They left their
ladder on the outside. They had no way to get out.
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They dropped down
like in the fishbowl and couldn't get back out. And that was funny too.
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Now that's-- that's a
dumb criminal for you. NARRATOR: We've shown you
a lot of dumb criminals
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on actual surveillance
cam video. But tonight we'd like to honor
one of the victims dumb crime.
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Herman the Robo-deer. Here, Herman the Robo-deer is
placed by fish and wildlife officers right in the
light the fire once again.
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On the front lines against
bubbas with guns and trucks. You see, it's against the law
to shoot a deer from a vehicle,
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but there's just something
about Herman the Robo-deer that these bubbas can't resist.
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Is it his big brown eyes? Is it that lovely
brown coat of his? Is it those jaunty antlers?
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I don't know, but
the bubbas just can't help plugging Herman. Fish and wildlife officers
close in and bust the bubbas.
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But Herman, he's still standing. What a Robo-deer. While on patrol one night,
Marshall Larry Harkins
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of Little Rock was
flagged down by a man who had been beaten up. The man told him that he
didn't see his assailant,
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but that the beating had
occurred in the laundromat. Earlier that night our victim
had committed a dumb crime.
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-Check it out. It's party time. -Get out. Get out. NARRATOR: The ladies would have
nothing of this flasher's game
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and they did beat
the hell out of him. It's just another case of
open fly, case clothed.
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Later, a dork and
some potato chips catch some lead at the
inconvenience store. -You know, steering the mobile
crime unit through the forest
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of the Smoky Mountains, we
thought Knoxville, Tennessee just might be the place
where dumb criminals were
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hard to find. We were wrong. NARRATOR: Officer Glenn
Biggs of Knoxville can't forget the lamebrain tale
of, "You're Getting Warmer."
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-We have a well-known burglar. We've been trying
to get him for quite some time in a sting operation.
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So he comes in one day and
we'd instructed a buy-man to try to get information
from him about the property
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so we could prove he'd
stolen it later that day. So this guy's wearing
a pair of overalls
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and he's standing there
pulling the overalls and he says to him, -I mean, we both know
this things stolen, right?
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-Not exactly. -Are the owners going
to come looking for it? -Not any time soon. -Now is this thing hot or what?
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-And he goes
[clears throat] Well, it ain't hot yet, because
it don't know it's gone.
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-What did we say, $45? -$60. -$60, all right. NARRATOR: In Tennessee, it used
to be against the law for women
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to drive cars without
warning other motorists. Especially, if two women
were driving the same car.
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Now, a chowderhead gets really
unlucky at the inconvenience store. -We have a convenience
store in our city
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that most people that
live in this area know that if you up there and
try and rob it, nine times
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out ten that you're
probably going to be shot as a result of it. The store owners
are very protective.
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We had a robbery go
down there one night. And the individual that
robbed the store the clerk
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shot at him several times,
and when we questioned the clerk he said, I
feel sure I hit him.
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And we knew that it had to
be somebody from out of town because most of the people
that live in this area
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know you don't go there
and rob that store. So we set out our BOLOs
to the surrounding areas
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that if any hospital
received any gunshot victims, we'd like to know about it. So we received a call from
one of our neighboring cities.
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They advised us that they
had an individual that was in the hospital and he
had been shot several times.
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So I go down there
to interview him, and in the hospital room when
I'm talking with the individual
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he says, I don't mind
telling you about it at all because it
was totally unfair.
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-It just wasn't fair. I've done this kind
of thing before and it just didn't
go down that way.
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It just wasn't fair. POLICE OFFICER: I said,
didn't you have a gun? Didn't you go in
there to rob them?
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He said, yeah, I did. but he said, the only
thing I got out of my mouth was this is a rob-- he said, I
didn't get to finish robbery.
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I didn't even get my
gun out of the pocket before the clerk
started shooting at me.
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-This is a rob-- [gunshot] [gunshot] NARRATOR: What he should have
said was, this is a mistake.
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Or, do you know any
good hospitals nearby? The robber survived, but
several bags of chips
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were fatally wounded. -And he said, that's
not the way it's done, you know, at least I could
have said, this is a robbery
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and showed him my gun, and
then if he wanted to do that. But he felt like the clerk did
him an injustice because we
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opened fire on him before
you got his little spiel out. -It's not done that way.
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It's not fair, I tell you. There's got to be laws. NARRATOR: And now, we take
you inside the courtroom
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for Trial and Error. From actual transcripts, an
airhead gets deflated in, "This is a Holdup."
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-You say my client handed you
a forged check at the bank. What did you do then? -I telephoned the person
whose check it was.
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Then I copied the check. Then I faxed the
check to the person. And when the person said
it wasn't their signature,
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I called the police. -And why do you
think my client would have waited all that time?
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-Because when he gave
me the forged check, for identification, he also
gave me driver's license.
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NARRATOR: Stay tuned for more
true stories of bad choices. Like, "He Can Hide,
but He Can't Run,"
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on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." You know, the open
highway is where you'll find the American dream.
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It's also where you'll find
some of the dumbest knotheads in the land out
they're exercising
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their god-given
right to be arrested. NARRATOR: Next, Jason
Beebe recalls a motorcycle
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rider who ran afoul of the law. -OK, I remember receiving a
call to an accident involving
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a motorcycle, single
vehicle accident. When I got to the scene, there
was feathers all over the road
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with the motorcycle
laying in the road and the driver of
the motorcycle. He was wearing a real
heavy jacket and um,
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I asked him what happened. You know, common
sense dictates that he was going too fast
through the curves.
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Well, his version
of the story was that he hit a chicken
on his motorcycle and that's where the
feathers came from.
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-It was a chicken. -A chicken? -Yes, sir. Uh, two, two-- three chickens. -Two or three chickens?
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-Yes, sir. -Two or three chickens-- -Yes, sir. The chicken coming
against the traffic there,
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and it was just-- it was
just a horrible thing. -As I said, he was wearing
a real heavy jacket.
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It was a goose down jacket. And when he hit the
road, the pavement ripped this jacket open, and
the feathers went everywhere.
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But imaginary chicken comes
out there and hits him. NARRATOR: Now, actual
hidden surveillance cam
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footage of an above
average crime. Here we see our dumb criminal. He's doing a drug deal there.
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The hat is off. The drug deal is done. The officers are closing in. Now, the dumb criminal
flicks the drugs
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to right at the
arresting officer. Now he flashes his
innocent smile. Who me? Now he appears to make himself
look larger to scare away
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the four men with
loaded weapons. Let's see that again on
instant slo-mo replay.
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There he flicks the drug,
almost hitting the officer. The officer has
him out of the car.
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There's the innocent smile. And now he's going to
appear to become larger. Is he five feet tall?
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Is he six feet tall? No, he's seven and
a half feet tall. But I think he can kiss that
basketball scholarship goodbye.
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Unless of course,
he's going to the SEC. And now a man a head so hollow,
it echoed in "He Can Hide,
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but He Can't Run." One Friday night local
troublemaker, Terry Jarnigan, tried to pick up another
man's wife, started a fight
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and was the first one out the
door when the police arrived. Hiding in the first
car he came to,
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Terry listened to the patrons
as they were placed under arrest and walked right past
the car he hiding in.
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-That's my hand you're
opening the door with. I didn't do-- Terry
Ja-- Terry Jarnigan's
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the one who started this. He's the one you have-- -Anyone seen Terry Jarnigan? -You got to arrest him, man,
he was hitting on my wife.
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POLICE OFFICER: Follow
us to the station. NARRATOR: As the irate husband
was asked to drive back
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to the station in his own
car because of overcrowding, he discovered a stowaway.
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-You little jerk. You come here, you pencil neck. You hit on my wife. -I didn't touch your wife, man.
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NARRATOR: Terry was
charged with inciting a riot, an illegal trespass
for entering the man's car,
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and he was held overnight in the
same cell with his new friends. In Pennsylvania, it used to
be against the law for a car
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to drive on the road where
horses are pulling a wagon. However, it was legal
to drive where people
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would training for the Iditarod. Now, a hapless husband in,
"Lovin' in Fifteen Minutes."
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Late one night in Duncan,
Mississippi, Officer Rusty Martin was heading home for some
much-deserved rest when he saw
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headlights speeding up
behind his patrol car Officer Martin clocked the
car at 65 miles an hour,
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and pulled the driver over. He needed a little chuckle so
he agreed to let the man off
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if he'd never heard his excuse. -And I got a little
down, I stayed too long. My wife called about
20 minutes ago, said,
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I got to get to the house. I'm going to miss out
on all the action. She said, she was going
to start without me
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if I don't get there. I ain't got but five minutes. NARRATOR: Officer Martin
realize the man wasn't kidding,
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and the officer
had to admit, he'd never heard that one before. -All right, all right.
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Just keep it under 50, OK? -Thank you, officer. Hey, I appreciate you helping. Thank you, thank you.
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NARRATOR: When he saw
the man speed off, he knew he wasn't kidding. Next, Detective
Anthony Lewis arrives
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at the bank in time for
an unexpected transaction. -I got paid the day before
but I hadn't cashed my check.
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So I decided to go to the bank
before I came to the police department and cash my check.
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I parked my car, and as
I'm walking into the bank, the bank employees hollered
at me, "Tony, grab this guy."
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He's walking across
the parking lot. I ran up behind the guy. I grabbed him. I said, I'm a police officer.
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They want you back in the bank. I just thought he had been
creating a disturbance
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or maybe he had tried
to pass a bad check. At that time, the tones
went off on my radio,
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advising me they'd
just had bank robbery. I grabbed the guy, threw
him up against the wall,
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told him he was under arrest. Finally, I was able to tell
them that I had him in custody.
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NARRATOR: This had to
be the fastest bank robbery apprehension in history. Let's see it one want more time.
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Here's Detective
Lewis just bringing the man back to the bank. And there he is
apprehending the man
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for bank robbery in record time. -And the dispatcher
said, boy that was fast. NARRATOR: In Illinois, it
used to be against the law
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for a conductor
to take up tickets without wearing his hat. A bare-headed conductor
would drive the women wild.
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NARRATOR: Now, an
undercover officer shows some loudmouth
criminals how to button it.
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-I was working undercover
with an officer. This guy flags us
down, we pull over.
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He said, how about some crack
and-- and a couple girls? And we said, fine. So we go with the guy, he
takes us to this location.
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He gets out. He gets us the drugs. Me and my partner
walk into the motel, we're expecting these
two prostitutes in there.
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There's three other guys
in there, besides him. So they've four of the bad
guys and two of the good guys.
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So it's we're thinking, oh hell,
what are we going to do now? So when we're trying to
devise a plan, one of them
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says, well, let's hit
that rock you got. and I said, no I want save it
because when I run out of this,
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I want to get some more. Well, the other three guys,
when they hear that say, we got everything you need.
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All three of them started
pulling crack cocaine, showing what they had and
trying to get our business.
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So where we had no case on them,
now we got a case on all four of them. And when we identified
as police officers,
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they didn't know whether to run,
jump out of a window, or what. Well, we didn't have a radio on.
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So, I sensed they was
fixing to jump out. So at that time I grab my
button, and I pulled it back
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and I started telling the
perimeter guys-- which we didn't have anybody there with
us-- just hold the perimeter,
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we got everything
in here secure. The guys got the drugs. They're not destroying them.
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They put them out
in front of us, said, hold your position
until I get the place secure.
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Well, we didn't even have enough
handcuffs for all four of them, because my partner backed
out, was able to get uh, uh,
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communications to get
some backup there. And then when they
showed up, of course,
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you can imagine how
these guys felt. And basically, he just asked me,
what was that button all about?
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He says, you guys are really
come out with some neat stuff nowadays. -Well that's all the
time we have for now.
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We'd like to thank the men
and women of law enforcement throughout the country
for their stories.
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I'm Daniel Butler
saying, don't be dumb. Don't break the law. We'll catch you next time on
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
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[theme music]