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NARRATOR: Tonight, on
America's Dumbest Criminals-- ever wonder why you can
never find office supplies?
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We've got proof they aren't
getting grabbed by gremlins. This man is on the
run and has a reason
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to fear he's the target
of a 21 gun salute. And this joker isn't
just littering.
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He's trashing his chances
of making a clean break. All their dirty
little secrets will
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come to light-- here on
America's Dumbest Criminals. [music playing] [applause] Now, welcome your hosts for
America's Dumbest Criminals--
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Daniel Butler and Debbie Alan. [applause] -Thank you. -Hi there. It is so good to
have you with us.
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Well, as always, we have a
cast of characters worthy of Dostoevsky's "Crime
and Punishment."
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-But Debbie, that's a
real big, thick book. OK? We just have a half
hour show here.
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-OK, so to shorten
it, would that make our show "Crimes and Puns"? -Well, yeah, OK, I'm
afraid it does, all right?
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But let's not think
about that right now, OK? -That was bad. OK, let's carry on
with our first story.
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-All right, why not? But speaking of carrying
on, a crook in Alabama got carried away by police after
he carried off a surveillance
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monitor from a
convenience store. But to his surprise, he
left a lasting impression.
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-Smile. Because here's this
week's installment of Caught on Camera. -We had a young man who
had decided to burglarize
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a local convenience store
at about 11:30 at night after it had closed. Took a car jack and threw
it through the glass front
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door and main
entrance to the store. While inside, he started
looking around for the things
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that he wanted. And in doing so, he
looked up and saw himself captured on a monitor.
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He was being videotaped. And not realizing that
the monitor had nothing to do with the
camera and the VCR,
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he proceeded to attempt
to steal the monitor. In the process of doing
so, he dropped his wallet.
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We retrieved the tape. We brought it back to the
police department, looked at it.
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And, uh, one of the
investigators identified him. And we brought
him to the station
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and started to talk to him. And-- Charles, where were
you last night? -Um, I, I was home.
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-You were home? -Yeah. -OK. You didn't go up to Hickey's,
to the convenience store
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last night? -No, no. -Not you? -Didn't go up to Hickey's. -OK. Have you got your wallet on you?
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-Yeah. -Do you? Can I see it? He produced the wallet,
which was a brand new wallet.
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And he opened it up. And the wallet was empty. And then we produced
the wallet that we
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had found in the store-- the
one with his driver's license and all of his papers in it.
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-Um, that's not my wallet. That, that, that-- -And we said, well, what about
the driver's license and all
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the identification that
we found in the wallet that apparently belongs to you. Someone else has a wallet with
all your identification in it.
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-Yeah, I don't know how
that happened, Sarge. -We produced a videotape. And we put it on.
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And we played it for him. He said, that's not me. It's someone who looks like me.
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But it's not me. Apparently, the judge didn't
agree with this opinion and decided that it was him and
found him guilty of the crime.
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[applause] -You know, there's
something to be said for tossing
caution to the wind.
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Well, in his pursuit
of personal freedom, our next criminal
also tossed evidence.
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-Oh, yeah. But wouldn't you know it? In doing so, he also
tossed his hat in the ring
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to be featured in
the segment we call Something to Remember Me By. [music playing]
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-This is my partner,
Aubrey Hawkins. -This is my partner,
James Burns. -There was a while
back we had a person
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that was driving towards us in a
car that had its high beams on. I flashed my high
beams a little bit
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to see if he could,
uh, dim them. And normally, what
do most motorists do? They hit the high beams just to
kind of, you know, signal them.
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And he didn't do it. He went past us. And we just made a
u-turn, got behind him,
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and tried to stop him and-- -And of course, as luck would
have it, guy wouldn't stop.
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We chased and chased
and chased him at, oh, about 100 miles an hour. During this, we saw him throw
something out the window.
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-We finally got the guy stopped. He pulled over and surrendered. -We went back. And we found the fanny pack.
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It had a Glock 9mm pistol in it. -It had some drug
paraphernalia-- syringes, drug scales, good
stuff like that.
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-And has a list-- kind
of like a shopping list as to who this guy
owed some drugs to.
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-It also had a Texas
Department of Corrections identification card, which
is what inmates have to carry
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with them when
they're in prison. -After we got back
to the station, when we was booking
this guy into jail,
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we asked him, why,
why are you running. He says, well, I had
a warrant out for me.
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-And that's just
something that, you know, we wouldn't have really
even arrested him for.
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It was just a really bottom
of the run misdemeanor. Aubrey, you know what we
call people like this?
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-No, what? -Job security. [applause] -You got it. You know, the typical talk
around the water cooler--
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who won the big game,
who got the promotion, who's your favorite co-host on
America's Dumbest Criminals--
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-Oh, people talk about that? -Oh, yeah, sure. A man can dream, can't he? -Yeah, really.
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Well, the hot topic for folks
at an office in Pinellas Park, Florida was the dastardly
dealing of a thieving coworker.
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We've got the infrared footage
that caught him red-handed. Take a look. -We had received
a number of calls
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reporting theft at a business. And they were receiving
thefts taking place. They had an idea who was making
the-- doing the stealing.
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But they didn't really
have the evidence. So with the help of
surveillance camera, they,
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themselves thought
they could catch them and handle it in-house. But unfortunately, the
camera that they used
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didn't film at night. And what this subject
would do-- he'd go inside this office area.
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And he'd turn out the light. And he'd go inside with a
little penlight in his mouth,
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open up a filing cabinet,
steal the money, and leave. So they tried again to
do something a little bit
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different. They put an infrared light
on top of the filing cabinet. They catch the bad
guy opening the door,
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turning out the light, putting
the penlight in his mouth, and going through the filing
cabinet, stealing the cash.
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And we got him in custody. [applause] -In Alabama, it's illegal
to wear a fake mustache
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that causes laughter in church. [applause] -We've all heard the
tall tales that fishermen
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tell about the
one that got away. Well, we've got the
first cousin to that sort of fishy fabrication.
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It involves a
boater with a story that just doesn't hold water. Ahoy, mateys. Here comes an excuse
that's all wet.
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[music playing] -I was sitting in my
office one morning. I hear a common gentleman
comes up to the front counter.
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And he's talking with
the receptionist. And I'm eavesdropping
on the conversation.
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And he's telling
her that he needed to get his boat taken
of the stolen list. Well, being a boating officer,
this really piqued my interest.
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So I continued to listen. And he tells the secretary
it really wasn't stolen. Apparently, he was
out in his boat.
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And he got stuck upriver. And he couldn't get it out. And rather than call somebody
up there and pay a tow bill,
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he decided if he
reported it stolen, the Sheriff's office would have
to go up and pick up the boat,
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and it'd save him a
whole lot of money. At this point, I know I to
go out and talk to this guy.
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So I go out there and
invite him into the office and ask him to tell me again
what I thought I had heard.
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And while I'm talking
to him, I begin to smell what I
believe is marijuana. So I asked him.
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I said, let me ask you, you
been smoking marijuana today? Well, not today, but I
did have some last night.
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I say, well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you give me
what you got on you. And I'll be darned if this
guy didn't reach in his pocket
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and pull out a
baggie of marijuana. So as I'm standing there,
I'm shaking my head.
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I'm thinking to
myself, this guy has got to be one of the stupidest
people I've ever met.
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[applause] -Well, now, this could have
been a sentimental story. It could've been a one
in a million miracle
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that caused a prison guard, who
is now working as a security guard, to cross paths
with an ex-con who
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had learned the
error of his ways. Heck, it could have
been a made-for-TV movie for the Lifetime Channel.
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Just one problem-- the ex-con
was up to his old tricks. So instead of being
truly inspirational,
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it's tonight's
Blue Light Special. [music playing] On this particular
case, an individual
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came into the Belk department
store, was observed by the security guard
working there for Belk,
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who happens to be an
off-duty Department of Corrections officer. He recognized the individual
as being one who we'd just
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released from
custody, having been charged with repeated larcenies. Began observation of
him, and in short order,
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witnessed him
committing a theft. And when approached by one of
our uniformed police officers,
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the individual did somewhat of a
little dance with our in there. Wound up being sprayed out of
necessity with pepper spray,
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and subsequently
placed under arrest. In this instance, it was
very much to our benefit
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to have the Department
of Corrections officer working the cameras. [applause] -The poet Ogden Nash once wrote
that a door is what a dog is
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perpetually on
the wrong side of. Well, the same could be
said for a couple of guys
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on the wrong side of the
law in our next story. Watch how the crooks
plans come completely
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unhinged when officers move in. -One night, Captain Redder
and I responded to a breaking
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and entering in progress
at a local carryout store. When we got there,
we saw the door ajar
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and believed that that
was the point of entry. We were wrong. They had broken into
a drive-through window
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and crawled through
a small pane. It was too small to
get the booty out. So they decided to take the door
off the hinges from the inside.
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And they're in there talking
about what they're going to do and so forth, standing
behind the door.
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We could hear them. And we weren't sure just
how close they were. So the captain says,
well, I'll cover you.
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And I leaned in to kick the
door and fell on both of them. Knocked them both down.
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They're laying
underneath the door. All you could see was a
rubber glove sticking out
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where they're trying to get
out from underneath the door. That was an easy one. [applause]
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-Now for a man who is a mere
pebble compared to Stone Phillips, here's Daniel
with ADC Headlines.
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[applause] [music playing] The bank robber
never told his mom why he needed a
ride to the bank.
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And when his so-called
banking transaction took a little longer
than expected, she decided to
park the car and go
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shopping at a nearby grocery. And when her prodigal son came
running from the building,
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he got nowhere fast. Hey, now if you Star Wars fans
felt a disturbance in The Force
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last May, there's a reason. That's when four men stole
a copy of the Phantom Menace
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from a Wisconsin theater. But their getaway was
anything but picture perfect. The film unspooled
during their escape.
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And they left
fingerprints all over it that they found
impossible to remove. Now fearing reprisal from law
enforcement, Jedi Knights,
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and eight-year-old
kids, they wisely chose to turn themselves in. You know, usually,
it's the victims
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of a robbery who are
ordered to keep quiet. But it would have been smart
advice for a suspect standing
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in a police lineup in San Diego. While witnesses
looked on, each man was instructed to step forward
and repeat the same phrase
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allegedly used by
the bank robber-- give me all your money. But old number five sealed his
fate when he stepped forward
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and declared, hey,
I didn't say that. And that closes the files on
ADC headlines-- news ripped
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from somewhere near the back
of your local newspaper. Debbie? [applause] -You've heard the expression
the long arm of the law?
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Well, in our next
story, the officers didn't even have to stretch. And that's what makes the
suspect a prime candidate
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for the segment we
call Special Delivery. [music playing] -Well, this is the
Golden West Criminal
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Justice Training Center. It's our police academy
here that various agencies throughout the county
send recruits here.
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Just finished teaching a class. Was coming out of the office. And I saw a young kid
running up the walkway
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towards the office door. And as he got close
to the front door, he made an immediate
right turn and dove
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over the top of this
planter area here. Another guy came up
telling me that he had just stolen a purse.
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So I bail over the
wall after him. Chased him down behind
the building over here.
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Drew my weapon,
pointed it at him and told him get
down on the ground. He did so.
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And I had to
handcuff him myself. Brought him back around after
I handcuffed him to the office
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here. I told him that, you know,
he's going to be going away for six months because
of parole violation,
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and he should enlist in one
of those English classes in the local [inaudible]
prison up there,
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so he can learn to
read what it says about the Criminal
Justice Training Center.
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If he had read the
sign, I'm sure he would have turned a
different direction. [applause]
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-Have you ever
gone to a yard sale and been amazed at how
cheap everything is? Well, usually it's
because people are just
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trying to unload things
they no longer need. But we found out
about a garage sale
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with an extra special reason
for its low, low prices. See what we mean. -Several years ago, we
had a boyfriend-girlfriend
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combination. They were drinking real
heavy one Friday night and were getting
pretty well plastered
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and decided to have a yard sale. They started looking around
their house for items
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and realized they didn't
have enough stuff. So they got to
thinking about where they could get some more items.
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And they realized that
their next door neighbor was an elderly lady who
was in the hospital.
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So at 2 o'clock in the
morning, they went next door and broke out a back window
and just basically emptied
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the whole house into
their front yard. The next day, they
had the yard sale. They had a lot of business.
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They were selling
all the furniture from the house, the
paintings, the silverware.
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They were doing quite well
and selling a lot of the items when the family from
the lady next door drove
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by just to check on
the house that day. And as they drove
by the front yard, they looked over and recognized
the bed suits and the furniture
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from their mother's house. At that point, they stopped and
called our police department.
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Patrol officers responded. As soon as the patrol
car came into view, the gentleman took off
running and basically got away
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for that day. But the lady couldn't run. We found out later that
during the move at 2 o'clock
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in the morning, she
was so inebriated that she fell and
broke her ankle. And so when our officers showed
up, she couldn't run from us.
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We set up a surveillance on the
suspect's house the next day. He came home and had to
break into his own house
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to try to get some clothes. Our officers
surrounded the house. He wouldn't come to the door.
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So we considered it that he
was probably pretty dangerous. But we weren't sure,
considering all
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the dumb stuff he
had done before that. But we called out our SWAT team
and had to kick in the door
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and search the house. And we found him hiding under a
bed in his daughter's bedroom.
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-Police. Freeze. -This garage sale
didn't turn out to be much of a
bargain for these guys.
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[applause] NARRATOR: In Alaska, it is
illegal to wake a sleeping bear for the purpose of
taking a photograph.
00:16:07
-Several years ago,
I made a traffic stop for a subject who had
blown a red light.
00:16:12
When I approached the
vehicle, I asked the driver for his driver's
license, registration,
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and insurance card. Out of instinct, the
passenger reached over. When he opened the glove box to
look for the registration card,
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the glove box was stuffed
with sterling silver flatware. Knives, forks, and spoons start
tumbling out of the glove box.
00:16:30
When I looked in the
backseat, I could see that there was
several TVs, a stereo set,
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and some other items that
just looked out of place. We separated the driver
and the passenger.
00:16:40
And I asked them
what they were doing. They said, oh, we were moving
some items from our home.
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-We just got it from moving
it back to my apartment. -I said, well, it's odd
to keep your silverware
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in your glove box. When we separated them,
I asked the driver, well, what make's your TV
or your stereo set?
00:16:56
And he gave me one make. The other officer that was
there spoke to the passenger
00:17:00
and asked him the
same questions, he told us totally
different make and totally different story.
00:17:05
At that point, we were
very suspicious of them. They gave us a consent
to look in the vehicle.
00:17:09
And we found some
credit cards which had a person's name on them. We then contacted the
owner of the property.
00:17:16
And by strange coincidence,
the police department was already at the scene
investigating the burglary
00:17:22
that the victim had
just discovered. So we actually apprehended
them before the victim
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knew that the stuff
had been stolen. [applause] -Very good. You know, don't you love that
scene in all the old Westerns
00:17:36
where the cavalry comes
riding to the rescue with guns blazing? -Oh, yeah. It's a beautiful sight
if you're a damsel
00:17:41
in distress or
the good townfolk. But now if your the
outlaw on the receiving end of all those bullets, it's
a whole different picture.
00:17:48
-Well, yeah, the
bad townfolk, sure. For tonight's saga of
We're Not Making This Up,
00:17:52
we take you to the not-so-old
west for a wild, wild story. [music playing] -Well, we had a
long-time career criminal
00:18:04
who lived in our town who had
been out about six months. And his favorite habit was
methamphetamine and heroin.
00:18:10
He liked to mix the two. He had gotten extremely high
and was in the commission of a small-time crime
when police showed up.
00:18:17
So he ran off. We didn't catch him
until later in the day. And I was trying to start
warming the guy up, you know,
00:18:24
and make friends
with him a little bit and say, hey, you know,
I want to talk with you
00:18:27
and hear your side of the story. And throughout the conversation,
he kept saying to me, Man,
00:18:32
I'll tell you anything
you want, just as long as you don't shoot at me, man. Just don't let those other
cops shoot at me anymore, OK?
00:18:38
I thought this was a bit odd. Because nobody had fired a shot. He had been taken into
custody without any incident
00:18:43
whatsoever. So we got him back and
started interviewing him. And I'm talking with him.
00:18:48
And, you know, he
tells me the story. And he tells me that he's
coming across country.
00:18:52
He's going through the
brush and the weeds. And he comes up over
the top of a hill.
00:18:55
And all of a sudden, he
knew he was in trouble then. Because there was 20, 30 cops.
00:18:59
And they were all
shooting at him. [gunshots] So he had dove off the ridge
of this hill and rolled down.
00:19:08
He'd cut himself, gone
through a thicket, you know. We came to find out that the
top of the hill he'd crested,
00:19:13
that we never went up
was right above the Ogden Police Department
shooting range.
00:19:18
And he had seen all the officers
at the bottom of it shooting and thought they
were shooting at him.
00:19:22
So he was pretty thankful that
we had showed up at that time. [applause] -Go figure.
00:19:29
-All right, little
Debbie, it's time for us to holster our shooting
irons for another week.
00:19:33
-But we're going to be firing
stories at you fast and furious when we return next week.
00:19:37
-Now if you've got
a lead on a story or you just can't wait for more
state of the art stupidity,
00:19:42
visit our website. -The address is
www.dumbcrimes.com. -We want to thank
you for joining us
00:19:49
and extend our gratitude
to the law enforcement officers who make
this show possible.
00:19:53
Every day, they lay
their lives on the line to keep us safe
from the stupidity of would-be criminals.
00:19:58
-As always, we
hope that we've all learned from others' mistakes. -But if you haven't, we just
might see you next week.
00:20:05
[music playing]