00:00:08
-Greetings, law-abiding viewers. I'm Daniel Butler. And this is "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
00:00:13
[theme music] NARRATOR: On this episode
of "America's Dumbest Criminals", "Keyless Klutz."
00:00:44
-Drop the hat! NARRATOR: "Bad Liver
Lady." "Cheap Trick." -Get away, lady. I gotta go to work.
00:00:50
NARRATOR: "Stash Flash." -This is not seasoning. NARRATOR: "Meter Dog." And "Courthouse Rock."
00:00:56
-(SINGING) O say can you see-- NARRATOR: And now here's
your host, Daniel Butler.
00:01:05
-On the bizarre TV
show, "Twin Peaks", David Lynch brought
us the Log Lady. Once again, real life has
proved stranger and dumber
00:01:13
than fiction with the rise
and fall of a Maryland woman who locals are calling
the Liver Lady.
00:01:19
On a number of occasions,
the overnight drop box at the county library
in Brooklyn Park
00:01:23
was found in the morning
stuffed with raw chicken livers. Mm. Granted this was now
the only spot in town
00:01:30
where a book burning could
turn into a barbecue, but authorities wanted
the foul play to end.
00:01:36
A surveillance camera caught
the woman in the act one night and detectives made the arrest.
00:01:40
She faces six counts of
destruction of property. Why did she put the chicken
livers into the library slot?
00:01:48
Some of these folks,
we just can't explain. And we'd rather not ask. OK? OK. You know, week after week, we
hear about dummies messing up.
00:02:01
Well, this numskull
is no different because he left his keys
at the scene of the crime.
00:02:06
The officer in charge of
the investigation-- working on a hunch had gone to
a nearby parking lot
00:02:10
and found the car that
had been reportedly involved in a
series of robberies. It was sitting there
parked unattended.
00:02:17
The officer promptly set up
surveillance on the vehicle. Well, within moments,
a locksmith truck
00:02:22
pulled up to the parked car
and a man fitting the suspect description got out
with the locksmith.
00:02:27
-There's my boy. Well, isn't this clever? Getting somebody to
do his dirty work.
00:02:32
I think that's enough time. Hey! DANIEL BUTLER:
Well, the locksmith was stunned when the
police arrested the man
00:02:41
as he was trying to break
into his own getaway car. -Locksmith, get out of the way.
00:02:47
Don't move. Put your hands up. Put your-- drop the hat. Put your hands up--
up against the car.
00:02:54
Back up a little. Don't move. Don't move. How stupid can a guy be? Breaking into a stolen car--
00:03:03
-Hold my hat!
---to steal it again. -Hold my hat! -You probably stole that, too.
00:03:06
-I want my hat! -At least he wasn't
dumb enough to go back and ask for
his keys please.
00:03:14
In the old Hollywood musicals
people would just burst into song at almost any
time to express joy,
00:03:19
sadness, anger, love. (SINGING) Gotta dance-- no. They didn't seem to
care who was around
00:03:25
or where they happened to be. They just did it, like
this next caged bird. This was our somber
suspect's second time
00:03:32
in front of this
particular judge. The first time he showed up
to court without his pants.
00:03:37
The judge wasn't impressed. Now in front of the
judge again for burglary, he knew he couldn't use his
body to impress the judge.
00:03:43
So he decided perhaps
a patriotic serenade might do the trick. [shouting] JUDGE: Mr. Grimm--
00:03:51
-(SINGING) Oh, say can you-- -All right. -(SINGING) --see-- JUDGE: Take-- take him to the--
00:03:56
-(SINGING) --by the
dawn's early light-- DANIEL BUTLER: He--
well, unfortunately,
00:04:01
the judge was not wooed. And he removed the warbling
rock star from the room. And they didn't hear a
peep from him after that.
00:04:11
Sure, everyone knows
about writer's block. But what about dumb
criminal's block?
00:04:17
Could it be possible
that these guys get stuck on new and
funny ways to screw up?
00:04:22
No. Not judging from this next story
where the only thing blocked was the jeep some
schmo tried to steal.
00:04:29
Deputy Sheriff Ron of
Wisconsin's Forest County got an unusual car
theft in progress call.
00:04:36
Besides trying to break the
law, the moron of mid-air was also trying to break
the laws of physics
00:04:41
and was arrested for
attempted car theft and public intoxication, which brought
him back down to earth.
00:04:53
-You have the right
to remain seated. NARRATOR: Coming up next on
"America's Dumbest Criminals",
00:04:59
"Stash Flash," "Early Bird
Bank Job", and "Unplugged." -You have the right
to remain seated.
00:05:10
NARRATOR: And now,
Crimes of the Week with Daniel Butler
and Beaumont Bacon. -It's time now for--
00:05:16
-Crimes of the Week. -Here are three stories
of a frozen banana, a "Beavis and
Butt-Head" adventure,
00:05:22
and a man covered
in lemon juice. -It's true, Dan. -It is. -It is absolutely true.
00:05:27
-It happened. -Our first story comes to
us from Marysvale, Utah. And it seems two teens
broke into a fire station
00:05:33
and decided to siphon gas from
the town's only fire truck. -Uh-oh. -It's bad enough that
they were doing it--
00:05:38
-No.
---but from the only fire truck. -Kids. -After several
minutes, the two teens
00:05:41
weren't sure how
much gas was actually being put into their gas can. -Did it matter?
00:05:46
-So one of them-- well,
they're two teens. -Never mind. -That's right. Enough said there.
00:05:51
Well, so, anyway, so one
of them got the bright idea to take a look, to see
how much gas there is.
00:05:56
The only thing was,
there was one problem. And that-- it was dark. And they did not
bring a flashlight.
00:06:01
-Uh-oh. -But wait a minute. They do have a
disposable lighter, which they struck right
above the five gallon can--
00:06:08
-No. ---half filled-- yeah,
it's getting sticky here. And it was, of course, filled
with highly flammable gasoline.
00:06:14
-As opposed to the-- -The inflammable kind, I guess. -Right. Yeah. -I'm not sure.
00:06:19
Either way it's gonna blow up -Ouch. -Ernie and his now
charbroiled buddy were treated for burns to the
hands, face, neck, buttocks,
00:06:25
and every other
part of their body. And they were taken down to the
local police station where they
00:06:29
were charged with theft,
and breaking and entering, and potentially
making themselves
00:06:33
the toast of the town. -Literally, yeah. Kids don't try that at home, OK? -Oh. -It's not the
gasoline that ignites.
00:06:40
It's those invisible fumes. -And we know about those fumes. -Oh, yeah. In our next story, the police
arrest a man for armed robbery
00:06:47
and carrying an unpeeled weapon. While being frisked, the
police found the weapon
00:06:52
the man had used in the
robbery and informed him he was to be charged
with armed robbery.
00:06:56
The man protested, no way, as
the weapon found in his pocket was a banana. It was a frozen
banana, mind you.
00:07:04
The only problem was he had
hidden the frightening fruit in his pocket and tried to
pass it off as a pistol.
00:07:09
-Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I thought there was a seven
day waiting period for bananas.
00:07:13
-Oh, yeah, the Brady
Bunch law, sure. But, you know, I mean, you
don't have time to ask,
00:07:18
is that a banana in your
pocket or a huge hair triggered 357 Magnum? -Either way they
both will go off.
00:07:24
-True. -Have you ever
slurped on a banana? Dangerous. -Brutal.
-Brutal. -Mm-hm. -You can hurt yourself that way.
00:07:30
Well, I've got one
just as dumb, Daniel. And it's full of vitamin
C. Police couldn't believe
00:07:35
their eyes as they watched
the security camera. And it was a tape
of a break in that
00:07:39
had just occurred
the night before. After breaking through a rear
window of the clothing store
00:07:44
that was gonna be robbed
there, the man that was caught on tape, he seemed
to be smiling, like,
00:07:50
waving and smiling at
the security cameras. As he was at the
counter, he just opened up his bag right
there on the camera.
00:07:56
-Mm-hm. -And he produced a
half dozen lemons. And began to cut the lemons
just right there on the counter.
00:08:01
And he then started rubbing
the lemons all over his face, squeezing the juice-- -A beauty treatment?
00:08:07
-I have no idea. Ouch if he has a cut. -Mm. -He brings salt with
that, a little tequila.
00:08:12
-Burns. -Having done that, our
fruit facial felon, he casually strolled
through the store,
00:08:18
like he was gonna shop
with no qualms about being, you know, picked up or
identified or anything.
00:08:24
He was just taking his time. No fear of being detected. And the thing is, is that there
are clear pictures of this man.
00:08:30
And he was quickly identified. And he was arrested
of the following day. However, he was shocked.
00:08:35
This thief was shocked when he
was confronted by the police. Apparently, in his mind,
he was under the impression
00:08:42
that lemons squirted
and rubbed on his face-- -Mm-hm. ---would make him invisible.
00:08:47
-OK. The old Claude Rains thing. -The old Claude
Rains thing happened. -It didn't work.
-It obviously--
00:08:52
-It did not work. -Yeah, he thought he
could pass through walls and all kinds of stuff.
And it didn't work.
00:08:56
-OK. -So when the police
finally caught up with him, they were really stifling
a laugh, trying to-- I
00:09:03
mean, this moron
just had so many misconceptions about
this whole idea. And even if he has to spread
lemon juice-- what you're
00:09:08
supposed to do is spread it
on the lens of the camera because it blurs the
picture, not yourself.
00:09:13
There's another bad
plan gone sour, Daniel. -Yeah. Well, sour indeed, Beaumont. But now it is time for our--
00:09:20
-Idiot of the week. Working on a tip, the narcotics
unit of the [inaudible] County Sheriff's Office
executed a search warrant.
00:09:27
-Hi, how are you doing? -Hey, what's up? -Police department. Came here to serve an arrest
warrant for-- you wouldn't have
00:09:33
any narcotics or anything
in the house, would you? DANIEL BUTLER: The man who
answered the door insisted
00:09:36
there was no cocaine in
the house, at which point the officers had to start
laughing because, you see,
00:09:41
the man standing there had
a white cocaine mustache. -What's all this white
stuff around your face?
00:09:46
-Where? -On your face. Not my face. -On my face? -Your face. -Yeah, what do you mean?
00:09:53
-Come on out here. Come on out here. You know, you got all this white
stuff on your face, you know.
00:09:57
-No. -Have you been burying your
head in flour or something? -Yeah, mostly. No--
00:10:01
-Most normal people
wouldn't, though. -I was making a cake. -Sort of the milk mustache.
00:10:04
-Got milk? ---which was-- yeah, got coke? -Got coke? ---was tested and proved
positive as cocaine.
00:10:10
And along with the other
evidence found in the house, an arrest was made. -Oh, I hope so.
00:10:14
-It was pretty obvious. -It was pretty obvious. -There is no cocaine
in this house.
00:10:17
-That's right. Sorry, officers,
there's no-- and I don't have a loaded banana
in my [inaudible] either.
00:10:25
-Like any good plan,
success lies in the timing, especially for
these two completely
00:10:31
clueless canyon
country criminals who live by the motto, first
come, first served.
00:10:36
It was just minutes before 10
on a lovely California day, when Larry and Moe, in their
best bank robber getup,
00:10:42
arrived at their rags
to riches rendezvous. The problem is, our masked
muffin heads were a little too
00:10:48
enthusiastic and way too early. The bank hadn't opened yet. A bystander flagged some passing
police who quickly arrived
00:10:55
and showed our early
nerds some doors that are always
open-- cell doors. Bank open at 10.
00:11:01
Jail always open. -What you doing? You're so stupid, man. You're dumb. -Officer Rich Woodworth had
been working on a string of bank
00:11:10
robbers he believed had been
committed by the same person. When he was given
just the ticket
00:11:14
he needed to crack the case. -What this guy had done,
he went into the bank, did his normal armed
robbery, ran out of the bank,
00:11:24
and ran to his car, which he had
parked about half a block away. But what he had done
was, he had illegally
00:11:31
parked it in a red zone. And when he got back to his car,
one of our police assistants
00:11:36
was writing him a ticket. -Would you give me
the ticket already? -So then we hear that
this police assistant's
00:11:48
calling a-- the
vehicle's driving away. And I go over and talk to him. We put two and two
together, find out
00:11:55
the guy matches the description
of the bank robbery suspect. And sure enough, we head
him off at the pass,
00:12:00
send a car to his house. And here he is driving
up with the money, the gun, and the
car, and the license.
00:12:06
We have the ticket to prove it. And then I had my
police assistant come over and identify him.
00:12:10
And we had the tellers
in the bank identify him. So we pretty much wrapped
that one up pretty quick.
00:12:15
He shouldn't have
parked in the red zone. That's my suggestion. If you're gonna do a robbery,
park your car legally.
00:12:20
-It was a clear case of the pen
being mightier than the sword. Now in this next
story, you'll see
00:12:28
why it pays to look out
for man's best friend. In Athens, Ohio, it's
common for students
00:12:33
to leave their dogs tied to
street signs or parking meters when they go into a store.
00:12:37
But for this one
dumb criminal, it turned out to be a big mistake. [barking] POLICE OFFICER 1:
You believe this?
00:12:42
POLICE OFFICER 2: You
think this is the one? POLICE OFFICER 1: I think so. [laughing]
00:12:48
-You see, not only did the
crook leave his dog tied up long enough to arouse suspicion,
but when the police answered
00:12:54
the call to investigate
this poor pooch tied up, they discovered a little
bag around his collar that
00:12:59
contained $700 in cash and
a small baggy of marijuana. -What's-- look at this. -Whoa.
00:13:06
-What he's got around his neck. -Is that real money
and real dope? -Looks like it to me.
00:13:12
-I think we have an arrest. -Well, the dog's owner
went to the police station to report the missing dog,
where he was promptly arrested
00:13:20
and found to be in possession
of further narcotics. Keep them in your
pocket when you
00:13:24
go to pick up your dog
at the police station. Guess who's in the
dog pound now, kids?
00:13:29
Not the pooch. NARRATOR: Coming up next on
"America's Dumbest Criminals", "The Cop Shot
Hoofer," "DMV DUI."
00:13:39
They vend that-a-way. -You have the right
to remain seated. -Obtaining a driver's license
can be a terrifying experience.
00:13:50
Your whole motoring future is
hanging in the balance, not to mention the time
spent waiting in line
00:13:55
just to get the appointment
for your driver's test. You want to be at your
best with all your skills
00:14:00
sharpened and honed,
not dulled and dense, like this marinated motorist. It seems like a man
in Helena, Montana
00:14:08
showed up for his driver's
license examination with a blood alcohol
level of 0.24.
00:14:14
Just so you know, the
legal limit is 0.08. Needless to say,
he did not pass go. A DUI on his driving test.
00:14:25
Our next set of
trained professionals seem to really have
it all together. They successfully robbed
a bank, got their money,
00:14:32
made their way out of
the door, but that's when their luck changed. The fool flew out
at such a speed
00:14:37
that he tripped over
his own two feet. Then as he hit the
ground, his gun went off and shot
him in the foot.
00:14:43
His partner came
back to help just in time for the cop's
welcoming committee. They hand cuffed
the hapless hoodlums
00:14:49
and hauled them hopping
mad down to the station. You know, people say that the
'50s were a more innocent time.
00:14:57
But that was only true
if you weren't guilty. Still the dumb criminals back
then had a certain naivety
00:15:03
that you don't often
come across today. At the time, there was a rash
of vending machine robberies,
00:15:08
especially cigarette
machines, because they were lighter than
soft drink units. To help protect
their investment,
00:15:13
the owners put in motion alarms
that were hooked up to sirens. One evening, these
marauding morons
00:15:19
stole a cigarette
machine and put it in the back of their
truck and drove off. However, they hit a bump, which
set the internal siren off.
00:15:27
The startled Stooges panicked. Assuming the alarm
behind them was the cops and tried their
best to lose them.
00:15:33
Of course, the police
eventually did get their men with a nice assist from a
cigarette vending machine.
00:15:39
As they say, the crooks
had met their match. If you're a dumb,
armed criminal, and you're just plain
tired of dumb guns and dumb
00:15:49
knives, do us all a
big favor and don't move on to power tools. Sticking up a Howard Johnson's
motel is a man size job.
00:15:58
So this Lake City
Florida woman chose a big tool, an
electric chainsaw. Her entrance was fine.
00:16:05
-Give me your money! DANIEL BUTLER: But that's
when this crooked cut up's plan ran out of juice.
00:16:09
No, she doesn't have a
silencer on that wood whacker. She forgot to plug it in. Yes, that's right, America.
00:16:16
She came, she saw,
she didn't saw. And not only that, she
was arrested for robbery,
00:16:21
the unkindest cut of all. Can't you feel the electricity? We'll be right back with more of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:16:31
-If I were you, I'd
drop the remote now. -The next story looks like
your standard dope bust.
00:16:40
POLICE OFFICER 3: Look
what I found in your room over there, guys. DANIEL BUTLER: An officer with
a warrant enters a suspect home
00:16:44
and finds him smoking marijuana. He also found plants
growing in various pots. -Is this all I'm gonna
find in the house?
00:16:51
-That's everything.
-That's everything? -That's everything?
-That's everything. -I'm not gonna
find anything else?
00:16:54
-That's it, dude.
There's nothing. There's nothing.
-That's everything. -Doesn't matter.
00:16:57
DANIEL BUTLER: And also in a
few not so well hidden stashes. -Whose is this? SUSPECT 1: That's seasoning.
00:17:02
That's nothing. SUSPECT 2: It's just,
like, chopped up. -I've been on quite a long time.
00:17:06
This is not seasoning. DANIEL BUTLER: In
fact, every time the officer found something,
he asked the suspect--
00:17:10
-Is this it?
SUSPECT 2: That's everything. -This is everything? If I brought-- if I brought
a drug dog through here
00:17:14
he wouldn't find anymore?
SUSPECT 2: Nothnig. -No. DANIEL BUTLER: Every time
he got the same answer.
00:17:18
-But just on a
hypothetical point, if you did have any more,
where would you hide it?
00:17:22
DANIEL BUTLER: I guess
it was at that point that our criminal
realized he wasn't
00:17:26
the brightest boy in the room. -You are-- you know
what this stuff is? Is that it?
00:17:36
All right. You guys are bought
and paid for. -Needless to say, in
the very box he pointed
00:17:42
was the evidence
needed to keep him in the joint for quite a while. Go figure. You know, we've all
had times in our lives
00:17:53
when we felt stuck in a rut,
not quite ourselves, not sure where we're going
in life, feeling
00:17:58
like we're just
barely hanging on. Well, this dumb criminal felt
all of those things and more.
00:18:03
A local video store
robber was stuck between a rock and a
hard place literally. He had attempted to flee
the scene of the crime,
00:18:10
but while attempting to
climb a nearby fence, he slipped and gave
himself a full body wedgie.
00:18:14
-Ow. DANIEL BUTLER: Between
the two fences. Officers found the guy
hanging around the property
00:18:19
and quickly dislodged
the lopsided looter from his precarious perch. He's currently fenced
in at the local jail
00:18:25
and has organized
a support group for other vertically
challenged cellmates. That's all for this week.
00:18:36
I'm Daniel Butler saying,
hey, kids, there's no right way to
do a wrong thing. We'll see you next week on
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:18:44
NARRATOR: Don't forget to watch
these incredibly dumb stories on next week's episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:18:51
An egghead takes a fall in "Out
on a Limb", paging a perp in-- -Hey, what's up? -Yeah, who's this?
00:19:00
NARRATOR: "Dial a Narc", a girl
with a mission in "You Only Live Vice", and a clumsy
crook is found hanging around,
00:19:11
on next week's "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -Oh, we're-- I'm sorry.
We're rolling?
00:19:16
-See the red light? -Oh-- [laughing] -Our first story comes to us
from a car-- let's start over.
00:19:23
Police were in hot pursuit
of an armed bank robbery-- he had arms. This is a good thing to have
when you're robbing a bank.
00:19:30
-Yeah. It really wasn't. I hate to burst your bubble. Here are three stories of a--
00:19:40
[laughing] -Frozen banana? -Dammit, Jim, I'm a
talent, not a doctor. Here we go.
00:19:47
-Had to ask, why did you stop? A dumb criminal-- crim-- -The crook. -The crook explained--
00:19:54
-Emphasis on the dumb. Oh. How blunt-- -But. -B-- are you going to a hunt? Can we start over?
00:20:02
Here we go. -Pig. -They started here
in Nova Scotia. And then slowly they moved to--
00:20:12
-Migrated. That sounds like a case
of two goof-- balls. Goof galls?