00:00:09
-Greetings law-abiding viewers. I'm Daniel Butler, and this is
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:00:15
[music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: On this
episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals"-- "Sticking to
the Job," "Naked Brunch,"
00:00:49
"Locked-in Loser," "Beer Bust
on the Road," "Hickie Hold-up," "A Tip of the Dunce
Cap," and "Potty Mouth."
00:01:02
On "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -In the next half hour you
will witness criminal acts
00:01:08
of stupidity unlike anything
you've ever imagined. And the funny part
is it's all true.
00:01:14
Take our first case--
dealing with the hungry hoser who wanted to have
a naked brunch.
00:01:20
-Opening his Stagecoach
Restaurant at 6:00 AM, Mr. Gurnot Trolf had
a rude awakening.
00:01:25
Apparently a former
employee decided to break in for a
late night snack. MR. TROLF: I was in the office.
00:01:30
I turned around because
I heard "help, help!" I froze. It was funny. -If he thought the
voice was funny,
00:01:37
you wouldn't believe what
Gurnot found in the kitchen. MR. TROLF: Nothing but
broken plates on the floor,
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and then I looked up. There was a naked
man hanging down here right on top of the grill.
00:01:48
I said, oh, you were
trying to burglarize me. "No, no-- give me some water." DANIEL BUTLER: Trolf had a
serious man and moon problem.
00:01:55
-I called 911 and told them,
look, this is Stagecoach, and I've got a naked
man hanging out
00:02:01
from the ceiling of my kitchen. They said "no no no,
that's not true." -The man came dressed for
dinner and entered from the roof
00:02:08
through and exhaust vent,
but he could not get through because there was a steel
crossbeam that stopped him.
00:02:14
-Ouch! Trying to wriggle back up to
freedom his pants came off and then he slid back down.
00:02:22
MR. TROLF: It must
have hurt like hell. They finally believed me
and sent a deputy over here.
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He got here, came inside, and,
uh, saw this guy from the waist on down naked hanging
there, ran out again.
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I said, what happened? About two seconds later
he was back with a camera and took a picture.
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DANIEL BUTLER:
Meanwhile, local DJs had Gurnot provide live
coverage on the radio.
00:02:42
-They were asking me
if I knew what religion he was-- if he
was Jewish or not. DANIEL BUTLER: The dumb criminal
was rescued and arrested
00:02:48
while Gurnot served
coffee and tea, because he certainly couldn't
turn the grill on.
00:02:52
-Otherwise we would have had
the proverbial roasted rump. -You know, some people like
to keep it all in the family.
00:03:00
But for this no
account back bandit, he liked keeping it
all in his checkbook. This is the tale of a bank
that boxed the bad guy in.
00:03:10
-Daniel, this story
may seem complicated, but just go with me here. A man is using his
cousin's identification
00:03:18
to make withdrawals from
his cousin's bank account. Now he is successful
at first, but the bank
00:03:23
is catching onto him, so
that the next time the man comes to the bank, the
bank is prepared for him.
00:03:28
He comes up using the
false identification. The manager sees that and
locks all the doors in the bank
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so that the man is trapped. He is a loser. He is not going
anywhere in this bank.
00:03:39
So they catch onto
him, call the police, and the police
confront him about it. Even when he was
confronted by his cousin
00:03:45
at the bank about taking
money out of his account, the man denied it. MAN 1: Stealing my money?
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MR. TROLF: It's mine. It's mine. MAN 1: So are you sick
in the head or something?
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MAN 2: It's my money. It's my money. BEAUMONT BACON: Well I guess
there won't be any happy family
00:03:59
reunions for this
family any time soon. Daniel, back to you. -In Great Britain there are
so-called soccer hooligans.
00:04:09
In Amherst, New York,
lieutenant Stephen McGonigal tells us of a couple
of hockey hooligans
00:04:15
who picked the wrong time
and place to cut loose. The lieutenant and his
partner were on their way
00:04:20
to a stake out with two
steaming cups of hot joe along for the ride. They then came across a
vehicle creating a disturbance.
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OFFICER: Oh, wow. Look at this bunch of idiots. -Can you believe these guys. [yelling]
00:04:35
OFFICER: Oh [bleep]. DANIEL BUTLER: Intoxicated and
evidently still celebrating the game, one of
the hooligans tossed
00:04:42
a full beer bottle into the air. We know he was drunk or the beer
bottle wouldn't have been full.
00:04:47
Unfortunately for
the frothy fanatics, the bottle made a big
splash with the police,
00:04:53
and they were sent off to
the proverbial penalty box. Yes, police officers are
here to protect and serve us.
00:05:02
But some dumb criminals
have been taking that "serve" part at face value. MAN: Are you in there?
00:05:08
DANIEL BUTLER: Saint Louis,
Missouri-- a male driver pulled up to an intercom
and ordered a burger.
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MAN: Can I get a cheeseburger
and some onion rings, please? DANIEL BUTLER: But the
service wasn't up to snuff
00:05:18
and he became impatient. But there was a
pretty good reason. OFFICER: What are you doing?
00:05:22
MAN: I'm trying to
order a cheeseburger and some onion rings. Do I want onion rings?
00:05:27
Yeah-- yeah, a cheeseburger
and some onion rings. That'll do it. OFFICER: Step out
of the vehicle, sir.
00:05:33
MAN: Oh, excuse me? OFFICER: Step out
of the vehicle. MAN: How are you doing, Officer?
00:05:39
Is there a problem here? OFFICER: Just step out of
the vehicle. [inaudible]. MAN: How are you doing?
00:05:45
OFFICER: OK. MAN: What are you doing?
Are you-- OFFICER: Put your
hands on the hood.
00:05:48
MAN: Are you arresting
me for ordering a-- for ordering a cheeseburger? OFFICER: Give me your arm.
00:05:54
Didn't you realize it
was a police station? MAN: Oh, man! Come on, I know Jack, man!
00:06:00
-Yes, contrary to
popular belief, police stations don't
serve fast food, drive-through or sit-down.
00:06:07
So there was no "happy meal"
for this hungry dope who tried to order food from
a police station intercom
00:06:13
and was arrested for
drunk driving and driving without a license-- or a brain. He's now chowing down
on an "unhappy meal."
00:06:21
You've heard about
people pouring sugar in someone's gas tank? Well this siphoning story
is from the opposite end
00:06:27
of the spectrum. Even though it stinks,
those on the scene have probably gotten a
lot of mileage from it.
00:06:33
Let's take a look. Using a section of garden
hose, a teenage delinquent from Bellingham, Washington,
crept up to a mobile home
00:06:40
late one night and
attempted to steal some gas. His technique was flawless,
but his aim was atrocious.
00:06:46
See, instead of sticking
the hose in the gas tank, our young criminal got
the sewage tank instead,
00:06:52
which certainly takes the
fun out of the "si-fun." The owner of the home heard
some peculiar noises outside
00:06:59
and called the police. Officer Tom Umboritz
found the boy at the end of an
incriminating trail
00:07:04
where pleaded for mercy
and medical attention. The "victim" refused
to press charges,
00:07:10
saying it was the best
laugh he'd ever had. Although the real
victim did actually
00:07:15
request some
punishment-- he asked for his mouth to be
washed out with soap. You can tell this
story to your friends,
00:07:20
but chances are they'll
call you a potty mouth. MALE VOICEOVER: Coming up
next on "America's Dumbest
00:07:25
Criminals"-- "New
Kids in the Cruiser," "Sticking to the Job,"
and "Honey, I'm Home."
00:07:31
-Don't move. We'll be right back. -Go back to the couch
and assume the position.
00:07:39
MALE VOICEOVER: And
now, crimes of the week with Daniel Butler
and Beaumont Bacon.
00:07:44
-Do you need a potty break? -[inaudible]. -Retired detective Jack
Founds of Philadelphia
00:07:50
sent us this little gem. The detective was undercover,
working the subway, when he was
00:07:54
approached by a man carrying
handfuls of assorted jewelry. He claimed that he had
just robbed a jewelry store
00:07:59
and was anxious to sell
at a deep discount. Detective Founds told
the man that he didn't
00:08:04
believe the
merchandise was real. Well, the offender was
offended and took the detective
00:08:08
back to the store that he had
just robbed 10 minutes earlier and proved his point by proudly
pointing out the broken glass
00:08:14
on the empty display window
and the still ringing alarm. Beaumont? -All right, Dan, here's
a developing story.
00:08:21
Officer Gordon Barnett responded
to an alarm in his sector at a passport photo shop.
00:08:26
That's apparently something
that's right in his area there. The robbery had taken
place and Officer Barnett
00:08:31
was the first on the scene. When he asked the shop owner if
he could describe the robber he
00:08:36
was told by the
shop owner-- well, if you'll just wait a
minute I'll-- I'll give
00:08:40
you his passport picture. He had just taken the picture
of the man who robbed him.
00:08:44
Dan? -After filling out a loan
application at a new car dealership, the applicant
waited until the salesman
00:08:50
was on the phone to the
bank before stealing the car he was trying to buy. The brand new vehicle
was out of site
00:08:57
before the salesman could
hang up and dial 911. Fortunately, though,
all the loan information
00:09:02
given to the
salesman by the thief was factual-- his name,
his current address, his home phone, and
his pager number.
00:09:08
The police were
waiting for him when he pulled into his driveway. He said he was surprised
to be arrested so quickly,
00:09:13
but he was shocked
when he was told that his loan had been approved. -Ain't that a good feeling
when your loan's approved?
00:09:17
-Always. -Uh-huh. Well as you know,
Dan-- you know, the ADC staff has been
working over time this week.
00:09:23
All the do is review,
and review, and review all the surveillance
and home videotapes
00:09:27
of dumb criminals in action. Of all the tapes we review,
only one-- just one, this single digit
right here-- was
00:09:36
deemed worthy of being
voted Idiot of the Week. DANIEL BUTLER: This case was
strange from the beginning.
00:09:42
A man broke into a warehouse
filled with big barrels-- no safe, no cash, nothing
to fence, and nothing
00:09:48
you could carry off. But for him it was
perfect, because he wasn't there to steal
anything anyway.
00:09:55
He was just there
to sniff around. You see, our dumb
criminal was a glue head, and he had just broken
into a warehouse
00:10:01
filled with barrels of glue. He pried the top off a 55
gallon drum of airplane glue,
00:10:07
and within moments our
boy was flying high. In one fell swoop he was
inhaling more toxic fumes
00:10:13
than 10,000 tubes
of airplane glue. Suddenly he began
to lose altitude. His hands shook.
00:10:20
His knees buckled. He collapsed, pulling
the barrel over on top of him, crashing
to the warehouse floor.
00:10:26
Some seven hours later, when
the employees of the warehouse reported for work,
they discovered
00:10:31
our fly-boy still on the floor. He was glued to the runway. The entire contents
of the barrel
00:10:37
had slowly engulfed
him like the blob. It took police and
paramedics over three hours
00:10:42
to chisel the man from
the warehouse floor. Police are confident
that the charges
00:10:46
of breaking and
entering will stick. Any fool can steal
a car, or can he? The last place a dumb
criminal wants to be
00:10:55
is inside a police
cruiser, but here's a story about two dumb criminals
who couldn't wait.
00:11:01
A state trooper was
making a routine traffic, but as he left his
squad car and approached
00:11:05
the speeder things took a turn. Two youths jumped into his
patrol car and sped off.
00:11:11
[tires squealing] The officer radioed in a
description of his own cruiser. In an effort to turn off
the still flashing lights,
00:11:22
one of the dumb
criminals inadvertently hit the siren, and
what started out as a great escape had
turned into a grave mistake.
00:11:29
The boys were captured
in a vacant lot with the lights still flashing
and the siren still blaring.
00:11:34
They weren't hard to find. For the police, it
was a simple matter of removing the two dumb
criminals from the front seat
00:11:40
and placing them in the back. -You know Burger King says hold
the pickles, hold the lettuce,
00:11:46
but one of their quick thinking
employees in Ypsilanti, Michigan wouldn't let a dumb
criminal hold the green stuff
00:11:52
until he ordered it properly. Let's check in with Beaumont
now to see what's being served.
00:11:58
-Daniel, the stories
just crazier around here. Seems that this next one is a
greasy tale about a Michigan
00:12:04
man who wanted to
start his day off right a little
breakfast burglary. So he hits a fast food chain
to order some breakfast,
00:12:11
but really he's ordering
the green stuff. -Give me all your money! BEAUMONT BACON: And the
person won't open the register
00:12:16
until the guy orders something. So he orders onion rings. Well, like most
fast food chains,
00:12:21
they don't serve onion
rings until after 11:00 AM. Needless to say he got
frustrated and left.
00:12:27
Daniel, the next
order he gives is order in the court
by Judge Whopper. [laughing]
00:12:32
Back to you, Daniel. -All right, let's see
if we can understand the logic of this
next blister brain.
00:12:40
You're driving along in your
van and the cop pulls up behind you signalling
you to pull over.
00:12:45
Now having a guilty conscience
for one reason or another, you immediately feel
the need to flee.
00:12:51
Already we see a
flaw in this plan. So here we have the scene
from the dash-mounted camera
00:12:56
of the pursuing officer. Our logic-less loser is heading
up the road with all haste.
00:13:01
But wait here comes
the brain wave-- why don't I just turn
left here and drive into my ex-girlfriend's
place-- literally?
00:13:09
What was he thinking? Fortunately no one was injured. And the good thing
about public detention
00:13:15
is you get lots of time to
ponder life's little twists and turns-- and
head on collisions.
00:13:22
You've got it locked
into "America's Dumbest Criminals"-- all dumb
crime all the time.
00:13:27
We'll be right back with
these big dumb stories. MALE VOICEOVER: Coming up
next on "America's Dumbest
00:13:33
Criminals"-- "Absolute
Amateur," "Hickie Hold-up," and "Big Snack Attack." -You have the right
to remain seated.
00:13:43
-How many dumb
criminals does it take to steal a vending machine? Obviously more than these three
dumballeros from Kingston,
00:13:50
Tennessee, who make their film
debut tonight on our show. We're so proud. Seems our three stooges decided
to stop by a local store
00:13:59
one night and grab a
little snack-- machine. Although it was firmly
bolted into the concrete,
00:14:05
our little "hine-steins"
decided if they put their heads together they'd have
one big empty head.
00:14:10
After Mr. DeMille moved
in for his close-up they remembered how
much success they'd
00:14:15
had pulling each
other's fingers. Why not their legs? The one guy was
having so much fun
00:14:19
that the other "Jerkules"
decided to join in. Now, it's all about
teamwork isn't it?
00:14:25
Don't worry folks. The vending machine
was unharmed, and the Dingling
Brothers' Circus
00:14:29
has been shut down for
about five to 10 years. Our next story is unconfirmed. If you were a witness
to the following crime
00:14:38
please contact us immediately. We don't have an arresting
officer on this story,
00:14:43
but several of our sources
have told us the same tale. An officer stopped
a car with two
00:14:48
male occupants
driving erratically. While the officer was
approaching the car the passenger hatched a plan.
00:14:54
-Good evening. We haven't been drinking
this evening, have we? -Oh no, Officer. We haven't been drinking.
00:15:00
In fact, we just came
from an AA meeting. -OK. -In fact my friend here
has got the patch on.
00:15:06
See? The patch. OFFICER: You've got
to be kidding me. -No, no he's got the patch on.
00:15:12
OFFICER: Turn off the engine. MALE VOICEOVER: The judge
gave the man 10 points for originality and 30 days
in jail for drunk driving.
00:15:19
-Two important tips for dumb
criminals-- don't tip your hat, and don't tip your hand.
00:15:25
Believe it or not,
one mugger in Oakland screwed up both of these. He tipped his hand
to get his hat back
00:15:31
and got caught,
leaving him all wet. It all began with this
simple street crime in Oakland, California.
00:15:37
A suspect was caught and placed
in a police lineup for the very first time, according to
Office William Britton.
00:15:43
WOMAN: I'm not sure really. Maybe number 3? Maybe. -I don't think
she's going ID him.
00:15:50
MALE VOICEOVER: Everything
seemed to be going smoothly for our criminal, and
there was a chance
00:15:54
he would get away
with it until-- -Officer, are we done? -Yeah, why? -I need my hat back.
00:16:01
-Man, how stupid can you be? -Huh? -The lady you robbed is
right behind the glass.
00:16:05
-That's him. -It's not always easy to get a
suspect to confess his crime, but sometimes it is.
00:16:16
-Now Daniel, the secret to
a good artist's impression is detail-- a little more hair,
the nose a little bit thinner,
00:16:22
eyes closer together,
a little bit beadier until finally you go, that's it. That's perfect.
00:16:27
Well in this case
the sketch artist had noticed something
a little different. As he got closer to finishing
he realized he was truly dealing
00:16:35
with one of America's
dumbest criminals. -Now would you
please describe to me explicit detail of
what you saw today.
00:16:43
-OK well, um, the best I can
do-- the guy had brown hair. It's like he parted on the side.
00:16:50
Sideburns to the ear,
um, back of the hair looks like it may
be collar length. Um, down to the neck it's
a little thick perhaps,
00:16:59
looks like he could have been
a football player at one time. Oh, he also had black
sunglasses on, too.
00:17:06
That's about all that
I saw of the man. It was really fast. BEAUMONT BACON: Well the
moron manager had not only
00:17:12
given a description of
himself, but after a little bit of questioning he confessed
to the whole crime.
00:17:17
Daniel, if a picture
paints a thousand words, how would it spell ! - D-U-M-B-- dumb?
00:17:30
-We'll be right back. -Freeze! Drop the remote. -You know, in
every field of life
00:17:37
you get your professionals, and
you get your complete amateurs. Now our next dumb
criminal can only
00:17:42
be called the absolute amateur. The first mistake you
make as an amateur is to pick the wrong target.
00:17:49
Now this genius figured he would
make a killing if he ripped off a charity like the
Salvation Army.
00:17:55
You know, an
organization who collects old things nobody wants anymore. Then he showed his
incredible lack of talent
00:18:03
by picking the lock
of the outer door but not being able to pick his
way through the second door.
00:18:08
Now as you can see from this
footage of the actual event, our petty criminal was
not even able to break
00:18:14
his way back out
of the first door. And eventually he had to
be rescued by the police.
00:18:20
I'm thinking it's time to
find a new career, my friend. Because quite honestly,
at this one, you stink!
00:18:26
The police in our next
case needed all the help they could get, and thanks to
our dumb criminal they got it.
00:18:33
-In Longmont, Colorado,
a local pizzeria was robbed of over $400 by a
masked female perpetrator who
00:18:40
had two highly noticeable
hickies on her neck-- huge! This woman did not conceal them.
00:18:46
Anywho, this extremely popular
Lolita got away with the dough, and she would have gotten
away with the whole crime
00:18:54
except for one
little bitty thing. Earlier in the day a new
employee at the pizzeria
00:19:01
was being checked in
on by a female employee whose shift he had
just taken over.
00:19:06
He couldn't help but
notice that the woman had two passion
marks on her neck. The poor pizzeria guy
put two and two together
00:19:13
and called the
police, which happened to be the kiss of death
for this Longmont Lolita.
00:19:19
As PT Barnum would
say, Daniel, there's is a "pucker" born every minute. -We hope that you've learned
one thing from this show.
00:19:27
You can lead a
criminal to water, but you can't make him think. We'll see you next week on
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:19:34
[music playing] MALE VOICEOVER: On the next
"America's Dumbest Criminals," you will see these big dumb
stories-- A crook in a car
00:19:43
and an unscheduled flight
in "Highspeed Too." A couple of cooking
crooks who crack
00:19:48
their own case in "Out
of the Frying Pan." A getaway car that won't get
away in "Towing Nowhere Fast."
00:19:56
A bank robber who runs
into a little rush hour justice in "Trafficking
and Stupidity."
00:20:02
These stories and more next
week on "America's Dumbest Criminals." [music playing]
00:20:07
-Thank you. It is a Beaumont story, and I
have been doing investigating on this, and this is what
I've come in-- come up with.
00:20:12
Now let's see-- oh, don't
start with me Daniel. [laughing] [music continues]