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[music playing] -Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
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[music playing] ANNOUNCER: On this episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals," a loony landlord in "Shell
Shocked," silly swindlers
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in "Swipe and Wipe," a harried
hoodlum in "Heist Anxiety," a repeat performance
in "Rice Man Cometh."
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-You don't remember me? -I don't know you. -Three years ago. I've been promoted.
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ANNOUNCER: All this
and more coming up on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." Here's your host, Daniel Butler.
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-Sometimes a dumb criminal can
be as close as your own front door, and even someone that
you know, like your landlord.
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That's what Bob and Deb
Sherwood of Novato, California, found out. But they hatched a
scheme to scramble
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their egg-tossing
manager's rampage. They set up a camera to
watch their car over a series
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of weeks and were
able to capture some eggs-cellent footage
of their crafty poacher.
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Grumpty Dumpty broke one
of their windshield wipers, then came back
and tossed an egg.
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Then the next day, another. Then a few days later, another. Then another day,
some spray paint.
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And of course, more eggs. The Sherwoods had enough
footage for the police to crack the case and
send our hard-boiled creep
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over easy to court. [music playing] The police photographer
plays an important role
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in every investigation. Photographs can
preserve vital clues left at the scene of a crime.
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And sometimes, the
photographs are taken by the criminal himself. The restaurant needed
some European charm,
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explained the owner, so
he imported a 19th century Venetian statue worth $50,000.
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It stood in the
foyer, until workers discovered it
missing one morning. The case went
unsolved for weeks.
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But when a probation officer
paid a regular home visit one of his case
subjects, he noticed
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the guy's new
interest in fine art. -You like fine art now? MAN: Uh, wait-- no. No.
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That's, uh-- POLICE OFFICER:
Interesting is what it is. Very interesting. MAN: Yeah.
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-You know, these look like
the statues that were taken a couple weeks ago
we got flyers on.
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DANIEL BUTLER: Unable to
sell the cumbersome loot, the thief dumped
it on the beach,
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but not before posing
for a few intimate Kodak moments with the statue. The statue never made it
back to the restaurant.
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But the artless dodger
has been put on display just a few blocks
away, in a little room
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down at the local prison. [music playing] Perhaps we place too much faith
in machines and not enough
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in our own common sense. But what do you do if
you possess neither? -An officer at Fremont
made a traffic stop.
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And they pulled the driver over. And the driver stopped and
suddenly threw open the door,
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jumped out of the car, took
his, his radar detector and threw it on the ground,
smashing it to bits.
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And then he started jumping
up and down on the bits. And he started yelling. He says, I paid $200 for
this damned radar detector.
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And there it sat on my
dashboard not making a sound while I drove right by you. DANIEL BUTLER: Unfortunately,
our mad motorist
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acted a bit too soon. MARK HUTCHINS: And the
officer looked he said, I wasn't stopping
you for speeding.
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Your taillight's out. -Haste obviously made
waste of this basket case. [music playing]
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Some crooks are doomed by
their own lack of imagination. Officer Larry Rice of
Jamesville, New York,
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had such a case twice. This guy was arrested
for keying cars in a shopping mall parking lot.
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He then began
threatening the officer with repercussions
for his actions. He said he was Steven
Rice, the nephew
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of Larry Rice, a
sergeant on the force. Only problem was
that the arresting officer was Larry Rice.
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-What does this say? DANIEL BUTLER: About three years
later, Officer Rice arrests
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a guy at a different mall,
this type for shoplifting. Once again, the officer
seemed to have encountered
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a long-lost member of his own
family, the same Steven Rice. But as often happens over
time, the suspect's uncle,
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Larry Rice, was now a captain. MAN: Yes. The captain of-- LARRY RICE: The Larry Rice?
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Captain Larry Rice? -Yes. Yeah.
-Of this department? -Yes, sir.
That's who-- -You've got to be kidding me.
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-Pssh.
I ain't kidding. I'm not stuttering, am I? -This guy. You don't remember me, do you?
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DANIEL BUTLER: The officer told
his nephew the story didn't work the first time and it
was even dumber the second.
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Officer Rice says he's
amused that the suspect promoted him in
the second story.
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If the suspect goes
for a three-peat, he hopes to be
named police chief. Hi. I'm Daniel Butler and this is
the sizzling Beaumont Bacon.
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-Hello. -They're fast and funny. -They're bleak and indiscreet. They're foolish felons trying to
outrun the long arm of the law,
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and not getting very far. -Nope. Making the most of the carpool
lane, an Orange, New Jersey,
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gentleman was
arrested for stealing a 40-foot commuter bus. --[laughter] He wanted
the big-- lot of room.
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He had a lot of
luggage, I guess. -Livin' large. His reason for the crime,
I needed a ride home.
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An unusual twist
to the story, he did stop to pick up a few
passengers along the way,
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even charging the correct fare. -That is so sweet. -He was not charged
with kidnapping.
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-But he did require the
exact change, didn't he? -Yeah. And he gave transfers. -God love him for that.
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Well, maybe this daredevil
dummy from Baltimore should've taken the bus
instead of the police
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for a thrill ride. He led the police
on a fast chase to a low bridge
over a small stream.
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The faux Fairbanks
jumped off the bridge seeking to make his escape
into the waters below.
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However, he missed
the stream entirely and hit the rocky bank below. -Nuh-uh. -Broke both legs.
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You ask my mother, he did. Yes, this loser was
led not kicking, but definitely screaming,
directly to jail.
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-He didn't pass Go or
collect his $200, did he? -No sir. -Neither did this
Montgomery, Alabama, moron.
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He was stopped by
patrol officers for driving a brand new
pickup truck with no tags.
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-And with no brains. That's against the law.
-Yeah. I'm afraid so. When asked for his license,
the driver replied,
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I don't have one,
and took off running. The police were
unable to catch him, but fingerprints were obtained
from inside the vehicle.
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The officers returned to the
truck-- to its dealership. BEAUMONT BACON: That's
a good thing to do.
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-They did. And the next day the same truck
was reported stolen again. BEAUMONT BACON: The same truck?
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-The same truck. The police found the vehicle
parked outside a shopping mall. -With the thief's
name and address
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spray-painted probably
right across the windshield. -Well, you're not
far off, Beaumont.
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This time, they
found a phone book and marijuana in the front seat. After contacting a few of the
thief's nearest and dearest
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listed in the address
book, the police reached Aunt Mary, who
led them to the house
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of the same suspect. Fingerprints from a
previous marijuana charge allowed the officers to
search the residence,
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where they found the vehicle's
keys, and for a second time, their man. -Again. Talk about a one-truck mind.
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-Yeah. -And now for our
Vidiot of the week. From all the stories
we've gotten this week,
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this ranks up there
with the dumbest. -Way up. -This is number one. An officer in Indianapolis
received a report of a burglary
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at a local paint store. The owner had reason to believe
that a recently-fired employee
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might be the culprit. The officer got the canned
con's name and address and drove by to check it out.
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The officer was greeted at
the door by the man's wife. She immediately said-- -If you're looking for my
husband, he ain't here.
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BEAUMONT BACON:
The woman refused to give any additional
information about the location
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of her shady spouse or any
knowledge of his crime. The officer started to leave,
then turned and asked one more
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quick question before
she got into her house. POLICE OFFICER: One question. Do you know what he did
with all the paint cans?
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-Oh, those. I think he threw
them in the backyard. POLICE OFFICER: OK.
Thank you.
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Have a nice day. -Gee. Thanks, honey. -I mean to say, wasn't
that nice of her? -Oh, yeah.
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Husbands and wives
working together. [music playing] The only thing we have
to fear is fear itself.
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But sometimes, our
fears get the best of us no matter what we try, as
this dumb criminal found out
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recently. In Boston, a security guard
reported a possible break-in at a building across the street.
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But when police
arrived on the scene, the suspect was
nowhere to be found, until they looked
up on the roof.
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He was spotted hiding on the
dark side of the building, which is where he
had evidently fled
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when he heard the police arrive. They ordered the
man to come down. But he refused, saying
only, I can't move.
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I can't move. They found the guy
lying on his stomach with a crowbar
pressed to his chest.
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He was so terrified of heights
that he just froze and had to be finally carried down on
a ladder by local firefighters.
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But they did promise to
give him the bottom bunk in his jail cell. Whew. [music playing]
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These next two criminals
thought they deserved an A-plus for dreaming up this
one-stop shopping plan.
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A is for ambition. And these morons
had plenty of it. Forging stolen chicks
is an art, and takes
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a keen eye and a steady hand. A also stands for action. The plan now required
a quick getaway
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before the clerk got suspicious. So they walked directly to the
store's automotive department
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to pick up their car,
which they'd dropped off earlier that morning
for servicing.
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Meanwhile, the store
clerk discovered the ruse and quickly told the
mechanic to stall
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the guys until
police could arrive. Surveillance cameras
followed them to automotive,
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where the self-proclaimed
artists got the bad news. Their car wouldn't be ready
until the following day.
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The mechanic proceeded
to barrage the guys with an overwhelming list
of diagnostic terminology,
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enough to distract
them until the police arrived just a
few minutes later. Hey, but the day was
not a total loss.
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The forgers learned
a valuable lesson. A also stands for arrest. While some dumb terminals
are not so clever,
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they can definitely
be persistent. Our next motor-stealing
moron had just been arrested that
morning by an officer
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and was released on
his own recognizance. It was the end of the
day and our officer
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was in the police headquarters
parking lot getting ready to transfer into
his own private car.
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Suddenly, the dispatcher
comes on the radio saying that from
her office window she could see someone
breaking into her truck,
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just 100 yards away
from the officer. He quickly got
out of his cruiser and approached the
man to discover
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it was the same criminal
he had arrested earlier. POLICE OFFICER: You
in the car, get out.
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You again? You just been released
for stealin' cars. What are you stealing
cars again for?
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MAN: But officer, you took
the car I used to get here. How did you expect
me to get back?
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-Ever heard of the bus? [music playing] This next story gives new
meaning to the word deficient.
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We may have to give
these criminals an award for displaying
stupidity above and beyond socially-accepted
standards.
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After months of planning their
escape from a North Carolina detention facility, the bozos
finally make their break.
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But they were not counting on
Sergeant Hannah Dowry driving by at the exact moment
of their desperate move.
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Sergeant Dowry was off duty,
out of uniform, and unarmed. But that didn't stop her
from fingering the escapees.
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One of the escapees was so
startled he fainted dead away. MAN: You shot him!
MAN: You shot him!
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SERGEANT DOWRY: Shut up.
He's not shot. DANIEL BUTLER:
Sergeant Dowry was able to hold the men until
correctional officers came
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to the scene. When asked how these clueless
cons could have mistaken her manicured finger
for a loaded gun,
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Sergeant Dowry replied, I don't
guess they get out much at all. [music playing] Sometimes you get a criminal
in such a bad position
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that it's stupid for them
not to confess to his crime. Some military policeman
at the Army's Fort Devens
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in Massachusetts
during the Vietnam War had just such an experience. It seems there had been a small
rash of thefts on the base.
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And kids from the local high
school were the prime suspects. When the sergeant
encountered two soldiers who
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looked a bit off, he
thought he had his men. SERGEANT: What unit you in, son? MAN: We're from the 58th
Engineer Brigade, sir.
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DANIEL BUTLER: And
that's when the sergeant called their bluff. SERGEANT: Guess what, son.
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I got good news for you. We're shipping out. It's time to go to 'Nam. War's a'callin', boys!
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Let's go! Let's go! Move it out! Move it out! Move it, move it, move it! DANIEL BUTLER: Of
course, the kids
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admitted that they weren't
really in the Army, and also confessed
to the thievery.
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In this case, it was clearly
a much better solution than sticking to
their guns, literally.
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[music playing] An officer answered a
silent burglar alarm at a local fast food restaurant
at about 3:00 in the morning.
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Almost immediately, he
was on the burglar's trail, a trail of weenies. It was a simple
matter for officers
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to follow the markers
right across the alley to the back door of the first
house across the street.
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The door was open. He continued through the
living room to the bedroom, where they found three more
boxes of frozen wieners
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and the thief, who was
arrested on the spot. POLICE OFFICER: Put
the wieners down
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and put your hands
up in the air. Put the wieners down and put
your hands up in the air.
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-It was a perfectly
understandable crime when the police learned
the thief's motive.
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He simply replied, I was hungry. Our next story is proof
positive that couch potatoes do not
make good crooks.
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Here's a hopeless criminal who
just couldn't get the picture. An armed robber in Michigan
was full of bright ideas
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one evening. Idea number one, hold up a
convenience story at midnight. Idea number two, empty
the store clerk's pocket,
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as well as the cash register. But when he stumbled on
the remote alarm control, he ran out of ideas and luck.
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MAN: What's this, huh? DANIEL BUTLER: Little did
our dime store dummy know, one push of the button
would trigger a silent alarm
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and alert police, who were
right around the corner. -Off. On. Off. Is it on? Is it on or off?
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Hey! Off. On. -This idiot is getting
a clear picture today. Crime doesn't pay. [music playing]
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If there's a fake Fort Knox
somewhere full of fool's gold, these guys would
probably try to rob it.
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Seems that the buzz
boosters thought that the local
bartending school would be a good source of liquor.
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So they broke in and
stole all the bottles that were set out
on the counter. However, when they got
back to their house,
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they soon realized that
the vodka was water, the whiskey and the
bourbon were tea.
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If they had done a little
homework instead of getting drunk all the time, they
would have found out
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that those liquors were
there for looks, not crooks. [music playing] When criminals
confess, they usually
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have some reason
for their inability to conform to the
laws of society. This pathetic
perpetrator from Denver
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might just qualify
for the moronic motive of the month award. After responding to
a call, two officers
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arrested a man
who was attempting to rob a local
convenience store. They quickly cuffed him
and were quite surprised
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to hear him suddenly
blurt out his reason for committing the
bungled burglary. -I'm glad you caught me.
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Tired of my wife always saying
I can't do anything right. This will prove it to her.
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-Sure will. I'll prove you can't
do anything right. Come on. DANIEL BUTLER: Oh, yeah.
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He showed her. And they showed him
to the nearest jail. [music playing] Usually cleaning up
their act is what
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criminals do when
they go straight. But for the truly
dumb ones, it's just a new way to
get into trouble.
00:16:19
Here in tiny Hanson,
Idaho, a quartet of robbers smashed their way into
the local grocery store.
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As you can see from
this actual footage, they briskly passed by the
open, full cash register
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and ran further into
the market, only to return later with
loot that is undoubtedly
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priceless, as in
very, very funny. As you can see,
cradled in their arms are rolls and rolls
of toilet paper,
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as well as paper towels
and cigarettes, which they promptly dropped
in the parking lot.
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Yes, folks. It was a classic case
of swipe and wipe. But the crooks did
not get away clean.
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Chief of Police John T. Casey
reports that the video helped arrest all 4 men within
32 hours of the crime.
00:17:04
Yahoo. [music playing] Well, our bumbling
buffet is now closing. But please, join us next week
as we serve up another heapin'
00:17:14
helpin' of hapless hoodlums
here on "America's Dumbest Criminals." [music playing]
00:17:20
ANNOUNCER: The laughs just
keep coming on the next episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
00:17:25
A creeping crook in
"Crate Escape," a couple of bungling boys in
"Bad News Boobs."
00:17:32
[explosion] Gotta be the shoes. MAN: Hey, I didn't
steal these shoes. ANNOUNCER: A couple of
perps make a pit stop.
00:17:40
All this and more
on the next episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals." [music playing]
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-Working around
the schools in LA, you always catch kids
outta-- ditching school.
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I had this one,
one kid I remember. He was probably in
the eighth grade. And jumped over the fence and
ran right into my police car.
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And I thought I was going
to have to have a traffic unit come over and take
an accident report,
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because he ran actually
into the side of my car, because he was
looking back to see
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if anybody was,
uh, had seen him. So he was stunned. I was a little stunned. And I said, where you going?
00:18:29
He said, I have to go home
and turn over my roast or else it will burn. [laughter]
00:18:37
MAN: This is an eighth-grader. -Eighth-grader. That was probably one of
the best excuses I've ever
00:18:43
heard in 20 years
in law enforcement. So rather than taking him in
and-- to the school and maybe
00:18:51
he would get suspended for
ditching, I made a deal. I said, tomorrow I will
be back at the school.
00:18:59
And I expect to have
a slice of roast. And if there's no roast,
you're in trouble.
00:19:06
MAN: You're toast. -So the next day I
showed up at the school. Sure enough we had about
three slices of roast for me.
00:19:13
To this day I don't know if
he was actually going home to turn over the
roast or if he had
00:19:21
his mom make some
roast that night. [music playing] [music playing]