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greetings law-abiding viewers i'm daniel butler and this is america's dumbest
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criminals [Music] on this episode of america's dominest criminals dial an art hey what's up yeah
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who's this you only live vice scales on the roof what do you call this second time around
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base not what not who threw that turkey at me and out on a limb on america's dumbest criminals and now
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here's your host daniel butler going to an atm to get money has become yet another necessary chore like doing
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laundry washing the dog and mowing the lawn wouldn't it be nice though if we
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had an atm right in our own home well these three cheese wizards gave it the old dumb criminal try they
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immediately spray painted the glass over the camera lens before they got started
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but they didn't notice that they had knocked that very glass off while trying
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to pry the machine from the wall the camera was able to capture their bungled bank job complete with
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flattering close-ups of their frustrated faces as they attempted without success
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to dislodge the concrete cash cow from its corner by attaching a chain to the bumper of their very photogenic
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automobile and like the movie face-off the boys only managed to get away with the face of the helpless atm and in
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return it kept their faces on tape for the police to view a few minutes later most of the time when the missouri
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police respond to the hold up of a liquor store they don't expect to get much more than a description of the
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robber in this particular instance though they even got his name and address give me the money
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push him push the money do it push out man you see when they questioned the victim
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as to how he came to know the criminal's name and address he promptly told him oh
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he used to work at this liquor store the saying don't dirty your own doorstep
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obviously only applies to clever criminals by the way this stunts was picked up at his home where he was
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sitting at the kitchen table counting the stolen cash go figure usually when you dial the wrong number
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it's no big deal right oops sorry wrong number the worst thing is you call them
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right back and then they get a little ticked off but that's just normal people
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wrong numbers when a dumb criminal dials one he dials a whopper it all started when a drug dealer named
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wayne called what he thought was the pager of his supplier hey what's up yeah
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who's this hey i need a quarter pound of good stuff yes wayne not only didn't get his drug
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supplier he also dumb lucked out and called detective jim porter of the bend oregon narcotics division of course
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porter knew all the drug lingo and since wayne didn't recognize his voice he was
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able to set up a sale telling the buyer that he wasn't well and would send his
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nephew instead hey what's up you got the right stuff in yeah wayne i got the right stuff
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problem is you got the wrong number you're under arrest he crazy i've been doing business for
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you for six months and what's up with that now it took three hours to convince
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the push button pothead that he had gotten the wrong number and when detective porter realized what digits
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had been switched he was also able to arrest wayne's actual supplier go hey dudes talk about a bad connection
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bummer [Music] for an undercover police officer it's hard to do a return engagement after an
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arrest has been made but with dumb criminals around you can always try for an encore
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detective sergeant sean matheny of akron ohio was working undercover for the vice
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unit when he saw a prostitute he'd arrested for solicitation just two months earlier maybe she liked his
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familiar face but matheny soon had grounds for yet another arrest not a bad deal
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listen um i need to ask you favor when we're done could you drop me at the county jail if
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you could believe it or not the woman was going to serve her sentence from the last arrest
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i'll tell you what why don't we just go why don't we just go now you're under arrest you're under
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arrest you know i really have no i'm really offended my last date same thing
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yes she was once vice two times a lady of the night we need your help on this next story
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because it is unconfirmed if you are a witness to this crime please contact us immediately
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the man driving the expensive black mercedes has the gnawing feeling that he had forgotten something when he left his
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house he was still trying to think of what it was when a rookie officer pulled him
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over is there a problem officer yes there's a problem i think that you have a controlled substance in your vehicle
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uh that's crazy i don't know what what proof do you have well this scale here
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it looks like a measuring scale that's not mine sir want you to step out of the
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car a subsequent search of the man's vehicle revealed 36 one ounce baggies of cocaine
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what do you call this that that that's not mine that doesn't belong to me sir well
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you're the one driving this car and this kid was sitting on top of the motor
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vehicle sorry i don't i can't say anything now what started out as a good deed ended up
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in the arrest of a local drug kingpin that the police had been searching for for months
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what are the odds you have the right to remain seated you have the right to remain seated
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and now crimes of the week with daniel butler and beaumont bacon welcome to another edition of crimes of the week
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i'm daniel butler and this is beaumont bacon you know our first story highlights a car a bar and a dummy who
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didn't get far that rhymed what it did that was pretty while on patrol two officers on foot patrol spotted a
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suspicious looking car it was suspicious because the front window was broken out
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upon further inspection they realized that the steering column had been jimmied even before they could run the
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tag number though a man approached the car and opened the front door the police asked sir is this your vehicle yes it is
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he replied the officer responded with well we have reason to believe this car's stolen at which point the man
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openly confessed okay you got me i stole it just like that immediately as it turned out the man had indeed
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stolen the car from a house two doors down it wasn't very far no apparently our perpetrator had stolen the vehicle
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and driven all of 25 yards before he spotted a tavern and decided to whip his wrongdoing whistle
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i do that if i see a beauty parlor i just have to stop and just go get a manicure
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you got to keep those fluids guess so speaking of coming up short though in nebraska listen to this when police were
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in hot pursuit of an armed bank robber when he suddenly stopped this robber just stopped and he checked into a motel
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only one mile from the state line now of course it was he was apprehended immediately the police were right on him
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but they had to ask him excuse me dummy why did you stop he needed a map he needed i guess
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all that criming i guess so he explained to the police that i can't stop and i can't cross the state
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line that would be a violation of my my parole that's what he said i know but how about violating the laws of
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physics that's a little bit harder well but their plan was simple enough break
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into the steel and wire manufacturer back their heavy duty pickup truck up to the loading dock
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roll the huge spool of copper wire worth over forty thousand dollars onto the back of the pickup truck and drive away
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tas locker decent uh right now that's just happening everything went as planned until the 10
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ton spool of copper landed in the bed of the half ton pickup truck collapsing it under its way
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one thousand pound pickup truck used a car to weigh 20 000 pounds of copper do the math okay
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needless to say with all the shocks broken and the four tires flattened their getaway was impossible the only
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copper these two dummies left with was the arresting officer that was funny good thank you it sounds like a
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case of two goofballs not worth their weight in gold or story daniel more here's a story about a california
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counterfeiter that we we just had to check him out and his plan was flawless a man with printing experience plus he
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published his own phony checks drawn on a phony bank account now the workmanship
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was perfect it was foolproof except that that this fraud had printed his real name and address on the checks that's
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what he did now when the first check of many of course bounced the man was easily found and arrested
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okay small mistake i hope he didn't try and write the check to post bail for that i think he did and
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uh thank you for remembering to bring that up he did he was right back he was right back where they found him all
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righty it's time now to look at our video of the week a small dallas bank called investigator
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bill mcdonnell two days after a robbery dead certain that they had the suspect in their office again yeah i'd like to
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make a positive question what are you looking for it wasn't so much as build or voice that gave them
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away as it was the ink spots and that's a musical group yeah but he didn't have uh four guys
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with him it seems that the dye pack you know in the bag of money that he had stolen had gone off
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and our oblivious oddball's face hand hairs and his hot cash were speckled with the telltale die for the officer it
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was clearly a case of connecting the dots and it made a pretty picture of the liberty bell i heard it made his mug
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shot that's nice one two three four that's okay and that's how many years
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i'll be spending in jail i don't teach him to clean up his act they're go
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please visit the laundromat he was inky until proven guilty and our dirty dummy wound up first in the crime
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blotter and then where else but the state pen the earlier one was better i think i
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should have stopped i could just do it back there back up until next week danielle
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[Laughter] [Music] a little friendly warning to those dumb criminals thinking about breaking into a
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van the contents may be under pressure a lot of pressure lapd officer david barnett and his
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partner were in an unmarked van working overtime staking out a murder suspect in
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a bad part of town while barnett and his partner waited two less dangerous but much dumber criminals
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thought the van looked like a good score not wanting to ruin their stakeout the officers laid low while the vandals
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poked around finally they used a screwdriver and broke into the van when one of them
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opened the door poof there were the cubs whoa police hold it down holy oh barnett and his partner flash two guns
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and two badges in the bad guy's face before you could say fantastic smart people know that you should never
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drink and drive and if you've had a drink you should always have a designated driver however these dumb
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criminals obviously had their own interpretation of the law an officer noticed a car recklessly
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drive by him he immediately pursued the vehicle he saw the car suddenly stop ahead of him now he's in a park and then
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obviously drunken man got out of the car well we're parked what are we gonna do
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now an equally sloshed female passenger comes around and takes his place at the wheel oh no no no
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well she's gonna drive away i don't think so the officer finally pulls them
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over and gives them both sobriety tests you can't have those lights on hold it right there lady the snockered
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woman felt it her friend was in no condition to drive and insisted that he let her take over as it turned out her
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condition was no better and the officer was able to get two duis for the price of one everybody loves a bargain even
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the cops go back to the couch and assume the position fink rat stool pigeon just some of the
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colorful names the criminals call the witnesses who testify against them but for the brainless boob you're about
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to meet he could only use those words on himself brace yourself for sheer stupidity as we take a trip to court
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a los angeles man was standing trial for the possession and sale of narcotics sir
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do you recognize anyone in this room and if so do you recognize the person that sold you the narcotics it was me
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yep it turns out the biggest rat was the big cheese himself the brainless tattletail was charged with the
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possession and selling of narcotics don't tell anyone you know the turkey was almost our
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national bird and it's still a great symbol of thanksgiving and yes we all have lots to be thankful for but in our
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next story the dumb criminal would have been more thankful if the turkey had acted like stuffing and stayed put
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as you can see it was a pretty slow evening on the beat at scotland foods for store detective marianne
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then she noticed a shady lady near the frozen foods doing a strange sort of duck walk
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marianne made note of them but wasn't too concerned but then all of a sudden
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some decidedly foul play occurred dropping like the ball on new year's eve a frozen turtle flu from the woman's
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flowing dress who threw that turkey at me it was you you did it didn't you the real turkey flinger was never found
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but the woman got her wishbone and wasn't arrested either you know it's it's important to wear
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sensible clothes to work a clean press shirt maybe a tie comfortable shoes and a pair of pants that won't interfere
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with your job this dumb thief in mission viejo california got hung up on one of those
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rooms officer steve kehoe was responding to a burglary call at a residence he pulled
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up and met the frantic neighbor waiting in the front he was told the suspect was in the
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backyard he took a deep breath and prepared himself for a long pursuit however he wasn't prepared for what he
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was about to find let me see your other hand buddy what are you talking about hey you dropped all your stuff here
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various household items were strewn around by the back fence and above them was our horizontally challenged crook
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hanging around on the fence seems he couldn't get himself upright and hadn't
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thought to simply unfasten his pants and drop out of them with all the blood rushing into his empty head it was
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probably hard to think this bungling bank robber got a little more color than the green he had
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bargained for in a job he pulled in a philadelphia suburb the security dye pack exploded during the heist leaving
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him with thousands of dollars worth of unusable cash thinking he could clean it up in bulk
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the red-handed robber washed his very dirty laundry in public however an employee noticed the stained simoleons
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and notified an off-duty police officer who was in the area an arrest was quickly made
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yeah but his money was still in the spin cycle and he was taken to the local jail
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to sulk in himself [Music] if i were you i'd drop the remote now officer cliff thailand recounts a story
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about a woman who gave a one too many details about a fight with her boyfriend i went to a
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domestic violence call and when we got there it was apparent the boyfriend had assaulted the girlfriend and the other
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officer was questioning her about what had happened and she was telling him he had punched her in the face
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well how did he do it trying to get the description of how he did and she says i'll show you
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and she hauled off and nailed my partner right in the face and i saw him go real
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and backwards and we're kind of both in shock and they got her handcuffed she says uh she's well
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don't you want to hear what else you know happened i said we'll get that
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after you're done being bought now generally it's a wise thing to be a man of your word but when it comes to
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making good on promises of illegal acts to come that's best left to the experts in the
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field america's dumbest criminals an example here's the true story of a bozo of real integrity down
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in prattville alabama the man who wasn't armed with a gun or much brains to begin
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with tried to rob the store once but was rudely interrupted by some real customers
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this isn't robbery give me the money from the safe uh oh oh uh i'll be back
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have the money ready after these people leave the confused clerk called 911 just
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in case this joker was serious about his encore and sure enough he was you know white shirt freeze drop tonight
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but this time the police were waiting for him and the false start robber was arrested
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boy i'm never coming back here again a lesson learned a bit too late [Music]
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here's a shady story about a burglar who tried to elude the police by jumping out
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of a window into a nearby tree but as newton proved what goes up [Music] you can see a variety of officers trying
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to shake the son of a birch from the ground below he kept leaping from limb to limb until finally mother nature
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extended a hand the nut landed in a pile at the officer's feet where they quickly raked
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him up and petaled him off to jail it's just leave it at that that's all for this week i'm daniel
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butler saying remember there's no right way to do a wrong thing we'll see you
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next week on america's dumbest criminals don't forget to watch for these big dumb
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stories on next week's episode of america's dumbest criminal yeah i'm not
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doing anything just waiting on the bus too lame liars in aside alabama a chimney creep in santa claus
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dangling dummy in swinging singles diamonds are a kid's best friend now i believe they are these stories and
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more next week on america's dumbest criminals life in the dumb lane [Music] belmont b-a-u-e give me
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bill marie it's that head for the incredible egg i thought you said this is supposed to
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be funny it's god's little irony and wasn't arrested either then what did i just say
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i haven't a clue who was the wishbone i don't know oh i felt like ivana trump today okay
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i feel like linda hamilton pierce brosnan [Laughter] now i've never read through any of this
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just that first read through it comes out like a professional i'm sorry camels