00:00:06
[theme music] -Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:00:16
[glass breaking] [tires skidding] [tires screeching] NARRATOR: On this episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals,"
00:00:42
a boatload of bozos toss
more than their cookies in this high-speed chase. A spaced-out suspect picks the
wrong day to film home movies.
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-Yeah. -Ooh, yeah. NARRATOR: A masked moron
hitches the wrong ride home. -Would you step on out
of the car there, pal.
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NARRATOR: A mugger makes the
moves on the wrong couple. The laughs just keep coming
on this week's episode
00:01:07
of "America's
Dumbest Criminals." Here's your host, Daniel Butler. -Sometimes a
criminal is so stupid
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that you find yourself
starting to feel a little sorry for them. But then the feeling quickly
passes, like a bad tamale,
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and you just sit back
and have to laugh at someone like this guy--
[guitar playing]
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--who provided the police with all the evidence
they could ask for,
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with a snappy musical
intro to boot. He's a-pickin', and
we're a-grinnin'. This idiot had
someone videotape him
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while he played a little
guitar in his crystal meth lab. You can see various pieces
of drug paraphernalia
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all around him. -Now, does the sound
work too, you think? -Oh, yeah. Oh my God. Uh.
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Oh, yeah. (LAUGHING) Yeah. -Yeah. -Ooh, yeah. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Then he makes sure that--
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-That's wonderful. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--we can see him creating-- -Focus.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--a fresh batch of the drug-- -Focus, focus. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --surprised
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at how well it
seems to be going. But probably not
quite as surprised as he was when police found
this tape inside a U-Haul truck
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he was using to move the
lab to another location. Now that's a Kodak
moment I'd like to see.
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[music playing] -Police officers get
to hear many excuses when they stop
drivers for speeding.
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On this particular
occasion, the officer pulled over a young lady
in the Laguna Beach area.
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As he approached the vehicle,
he found the young occupant almost drowning in her tears.
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Inquiring if she was all right-- -'Scuse me, ma'am? DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --the officer
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listened as she explained that
her father had just suffered a heart attack, and that she
was on her way to the hospital.
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- --had a heart attack.
I have to go to the hospital. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Feeling for her predicament--
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-I need to go. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--the officer advised her that she was free to
go with just a warning,
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but to slow down and pay
attention to her driving. -OK. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): A few days
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later, the officer pulled over
another vehicle for speeding, and realized that it
was the same young woman
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from the previous night,
and again she was crying. -[sobbing] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): She
then proceeded to tell him--
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-What? DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --the exact-- -We pulled you over-- DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --same story.
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- --'cause you were speeding.
-No, you don't understand. My grandfather had
a heart attack.
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I have to go to the hospital. I have to go. -Do you recognize me? WOMAN: No. No.
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-I pulled you over
the other day. -Wait, no, no. No. Wou-- would you believe he
had another heart attack?
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-No. -I'm sure the young
lady in question is crying for a
different reason now. [music playing]
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-Officer Lance Young of the
Roseville Police Department tells a story about a
couple of dumb criminals
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who should have taken a
lesson from Miss Manners before they left
the house that day.
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-I see a vehicle approaching me,
and the driver hangs his head out the window, and his left
hand, and as I drive past him,
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he yells as-- some
indistinguishable obscenities-- -Screw you guys!
You guys are--
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LANCE YOUNG (VOICEOVER):
--at me, and-- [bleep] LANCE YOUNG (VOICEOVER):
--and gives me this, uh,
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universal hand gesture. I didn't know if he was
in distress or what. Tried to pull around
and follow him.
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He got back out
onto a main street-- [tires screeching] LANCE YOUNG
(VOICEOVER): --and he
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lost me for a couple seconds. So I-- I checked down the
main street, came back up.
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He passes me again, and proceeds
to do the same thing as he did, uh, back in the back
street, and this time,
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my curiosity is
really heightened. And I could see his passenger
is a little miffed at him,
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like what are you doing? As I get up to the car, uh, he
just instantly starts a barrage
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of obscenities at me, and
says I'm harassing him, and-- -Let me see your driver's
license and registration, sir.
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LANCE YOUNG (VOICEOVER): --he's
being victimized in all this. And I just asked him,
you know, simply,
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why were you hailing
me in this manner? And uh, he just
says that Roseville cops have it out for him.
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-The driver refused to show
any paperwork on the car, and wouldn't open
the glove compartment
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because he claimed
not to have the key. So the officer got
a warrant and found a significant amount
of drugs inside.
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-At which time he proceeds
to rail from the backseat that I have planted this in his
car, and I'm setting him up.
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Come to find out from
other officers, and even other agencies, he's done
the same thing to them.
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So he has a history of this. And I-- you think
people would learn. I don't know.
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[music playing] -Minutes after hearing a
broadcast on the police radio of a taxicab carjacking, an
officer on his lunch hour
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noticed something unusual occur. He noticed a man and a woman
in the booth behind him.
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He overheard the couple
talking about what they were going to do with
their stolen taxi.
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The man suggested that they
drive around town until they were flagged down, and then
they could rob the customer.
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At this point, the officer
got up to go radio for backup. The couple also got up to leave,
and as they got into the taxi
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parked outside, the officer
placed them under arrest. It seems to me the meter has
run out for both of them,
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don't you think? [music playing] -Police in Lockhart, Texas,
had no suspects in the burglary
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of the local feed
mill, but the criminal had left a calling card,
the imprint of his shoe
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in the gravel outside
the warehouse. But investigators got
some unexpected help from the burglar himself.
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Our flat-footed
felon was signing out the personal effects from his
16th jail term when he struck
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up a conversation
with the officer on duty, who was
looking at photographs of the incriminating shoe print.
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The repeat robber didn't believe
you could match a criminal to a crime with only
footprints, and decided
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to use his shoes as an example. Much to the officer's
surprise, the shoe prints matched, causing the
stooge to quickly
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try and cover his tracks. -It's a thumbtack. You know, it's the same
place as on this one here.
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-I didn't wear these shoes
when I broke in the feed mill. Well, see you later. -Hey--
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-Whoa. -He was quickly booted
back into the slammer. NARRATOR: And now,
Crimes of the Weak,
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with Daniel Butler
and Beaumont Bacon. -I'm Daniel Butler, and this
is the vibrant bon vivant,
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Beaumont Bacon. -Why, thank you, Daniel. -You're welcome. A man in Syracuse, New York, was
taking a walk one evening, just
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a block from his
house, when a young man approached and demanded money. The man didn't have any on
him, and offered a solution.
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BEAUMONT BACON: Like why
don't you just go away? -No. Quite the opposite, actually.
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He told the guy to
wait for him there, and he'd run home to get
his ATM card so he could get
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some money, which
the man agreed to. BEAUMONT BACON: You're kidding. -No. The guy got to his house
and called the police,
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checking periodically
out of his window to see the mindless mugger
waiting and waiting,
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until the police pulled
up a few minutes later and carted him off. Timing is everything, isn't it?
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-It is. Well, this officer in
Fort Madison, Iowa, encountered a woman whose
timing was really off.
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An officer was working
traffic patrol one afternoon when he stopped a woman doing
40 in a 25 mile per hour zone.
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She drove off with
ticket in hand, and headed straight
for the mall. -Yeah, but isn't speeding to a
sale considered a valid excuse?
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BEAUMONT BACON: I wish it were. -Poor woman. -Less than an hour later,
he stopped the same woman
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on the way back,
because she was again going 40 in the same zone. When the second
ticket was issued,
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she said, you can't
give me another ticket for the same thing. I've already gotten one today.
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-Well, she must have
read the Fantasy Island edition of the
traffic codes, huh? -Yes, my fantasy is to become
more intelligent, I think,
00:08:20
is what she thought. -It's a good fantasy. Which brings us to our
Vidiot of the Week.
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A Lexington, Kentucky,
officer had just pulled a woman over for
running a stop sign,
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and immediately noticed
a strong smell of pot as she rolled down the window. --[coughing] What
are you smoking?
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BEAUMONT BACON: It could've been
a new kind of car deodorizer. -Yeah, essence of prison.
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Yeah. Anyway, when he asked
her for the evidence, she handed a joint over.
-Yeah?
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Then he asked her if there was any more, and she
reached down and handed him
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a bag from her
glove compartment. Then before he arrested
her, he said, are you sure
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you don't have any more? And she sheepishly--
-Well, don't touch. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--nodded and led him back
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to her home to show him
her private garden-- -That's your house? DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --and more
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than 40 marijuana
plants ready to harvest. -You've got to
admire her honesty. DANIEL BUTLER: Yeah.
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She went from driving time
to doing time in no time. [music playing] -When it comes to dumb
criminals, clothes
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not only make the
man, they often help the man make the crook. Here's a double dose
of dumb defenses.
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In Pontiac, Michigan, a man
on trial for drug possession argued that he was illegally
searched by the police.
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-That's crazy. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): The officer on the case countered
that he did indeed
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have just cause for
the warrantless search. -It was a bulge in
the suspect's jacket.
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I thought it was a handgun,
so I decided to search him. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
In an unprecedented admission
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for a male, the
suspect claimed not to have had a noticeable
bulge in his pocket,
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and presented a little visual
evidence on his behalf. -That's crazy. Judge, you can't fit
a handgun in there.
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Take a look for yourself. -Very well. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Unfortunately, the judge
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looked a little bit
too hard, and made the gun question pointless. -Hmm. What do we have here, Mr. Smith?
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-Um, that's dry-cleaning
powder, Your Honor. That's what I use to
dry-clean my clothes.
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Seriously. I'm serious. This is dry-cleaning powder. -Book him. -The model criminal was
convicted on two counts
00:10:21
of felony possession
of narcotics, all dressed up
with nowhere to go for the next five to 10 years.
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[music playing] -It seems that a flighty
felon in Lynn, Massachusetts, decided to make an unannounced
withdrawal from a local bank.
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He had just received
his national bank robber commemorative kit, and was
desperate to go out and make
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sure that the complimentary gun,
holdup note, and 100 percent cotton ski mask were all that
the advertisement promised.
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However, he failed to read
the "You've got the cash, now what?" chapter on his
handbook, as you'll see.
00:10:59
He managed to rob the
bank without incident, and immediately ran
out the front door
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to his getaway-- nothing. The American bungalow
had spent so much time concentrating on
the actual crime
00:11:09
that he forgot to plan how
he was going to escape. No problem. With mask still on, and a
bag of money in his hand,
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the quick wit attempted
to hail a cab. Now you'd think that the
story would end there,
00:11:23
with the police apprehending him
as he stood waving at the curb, but something happened that gave
us a new idea for a new show
00:11:31
of America's
dumbest cab drivers. [tires screeching] DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): A cabby
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spots the masked man in front
of the bank, waving frantically, and gives him a ride.
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What was this guy thinking? Oh, he must be really hot,
holding all that stolen money,
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and wearing that mask. Maybe I'll get a good tip. The robber might have
actually gotten away
00:11:52
with the help of
his clueless cabby, if he had just done
one little thing. He was quickly
spotted by a cop--
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[siren] DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --a few blocks away, sitting in the
back of the cab with his mask
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still on. The cab driver did get a big
tip from the cop, though. If you see an armed bank
robber on the corner,
00:12:11
don't pick him up. It's one thing to crash a party,
but it's another thing entirely
00:12:17
to be a dumb criminal and
crash a party for the police. Such was the case in
Syracuse, New York.
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An officer and his
partner were off duty and decided to attend a
birthday party at a local bar.
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-[shouting] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
But before they were even able to toast a cheer
to the birthday boy,
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they were greeted by a
less than angelic presence. The rogue robber demanded money,
to which the officers replied,
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we have none, and
besides that, we're cops. -Gimme your money now. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): This did not
00:12:46
impress our birthday
bash bungler-- - --back up.
Take a step back. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
But the three uniformed cops
00:12:50
who wrestled with him
to the ground did. The next time this
crook crashes a party,
00:12:55
maybe he'll check
the guest list. For his trouble, he was
charged with robbery and criminal
possession of a weapon.
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Chances are, he
won't be invited to the next little get-together. [music playing]
00:13:11
-Most dumb criminals
get caught in dumb lies. It's who they are. But one man in Anoka
County, Minnesota,
00:13:18
was put away for the
mother of all lies, quite literally, which he
had used on his welfare form.
00:13:25
It seems the man had
been receiving benefits from the county for a very
delicate "medical condition" he
00:13:30
claimed to have, so delicate,
in fact, that it would have been impossible for
him to develop it.
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-When you filled out your form
for the welfare application, what kind of medical
co-- condition
00:13:42
did you claim you suffered from? -Um, I have
postpartum depression. -Did you know that
postpartum depression
00:13:48
is something that only
women suffer from? -I'm a very sensitive man. -Really? -Be that as it may, the
man was found guilty,
00:13:58
and is expecting to spend
many happy trimesters in jail. [music playing] -Sometimes burglars
cover their tracks
00:14:09
so that it seems
like they vanished into thin air,
but not this time. Our burglar helped himself to
tools and a battery charger
00:14:17
on wheels, and then headed home. The officer didn't have
to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out where the
crook had crept off to.
00:14:25
He just had to follow
in his footsteps. -Hi there. That your house? -My house. -This your car?
00:14:31
-Yeah, my car. -Your battery charger? -Yeah, yeah. -A battery charger
just like this one,
00:14:37
on the same type
of dolly, was just stolen from a service
station around the corner.
00:14:42
-Uh. -And I followed the
tracks of that dolly all the way down the
street, around the corner,
00:14:49
up the street, up the driveway,
and right into your garage. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The
cops arrested the trailblazer
00:14:54
and returned the stolen goods. The attendant said that
it was nice to have the dolly back
where it belonged.
00:15:01
[music playing] -A Charlotte, North
Carolina, woman decided to do a little
gardening one afternoon
00:15:10
when she noticed more
than just the crab grass creeping
across her backyard. The woman looked out her
window and saw a man run
00:15:18
across the yard carrying a VCR. An officer showed up, took a
description, and called it in.
00:15:23
The video villain was spotted
just a few blocks away. When the officer
confronted the guy,
00:15:28
he denied robbing anyone, or
having a VCR, for that matter. However, after the officer
searched the vidiot,
00:15:36
he paused and ejected the VCR
remote from the guy's pocket. -What we got here, man?
00:15:42
-It's my cell phone. -Your cell phone? -The buffoon was stopped
and fast-forwarded to jail.
00:15:50
Here's a little story
about a man and his one sweet, true love. It'll bring tears to your eyes.
00:15:57
In Pompano Beach, Florida,
Izzy Maisner was on his walk with a friend to have dinner.
00:16:02
He was famous in the area for
carrying a large sweet onion with him because they're
easier on his stomach
00:16:08
than what most restaurants
normally served. Suddenly a man ran
up to his friend and attempted to take her purse.
00:16:14
Izzy came to her
rescue and began pummeling the perplexed purse
snatcher with his onion.
00:16:20
This obviously
surprised the crook, who quickly jump into
his car and drove away.
00:16:24
[tires screeching] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Izzy and his friend were unharmed, and
continued on to dinner,
00:16:28
where he proceeded
to eat the evidence. [music playing] -This next surveillance
tape shows a boatload
00:16:39
of bozos who probably
had some 'splaining to do when they got home. When they realized that the
Coast Guard was on to them,
00:16:47
these drug runners decided
to lighten their load a bit-- about 3,900 pounds lighter.
00:16:54
They dumped an estimated
$140 million worth of cocaine into the ocean
and headed on back
00:17:02
to Honduras, where we've heard
that their heads have been made into a lovely set of beer
steins for the local drug
00:17:08
lord and his friends. Whoa. [theme music] -You know, a smart
crime is hard to find,
00:17:20
but there's no shortage
of dumb criminals. See you next week on
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:17:26
NARRATOR: On the next episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals." -What the hell are you doing?
00:17:31
You're naked. Get out. NARRATOR: A chilly
willy strikes a pose. A peculiar pinhead
poaches a puppy.
00:17:39
A sticky-fingered felon
gets his day in court. A chatty Cathy expresses
her innermost thoughts.
00:17:46
-Yeah? Yeah, well you're a stupid
rotten [bleep], you are. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you're a filthy
pile of [bleep] too.
00:17:52
NARRATOR: The laughs just keep
coming on the next episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
00:17:57
-We-- we like to name
our cases just for fun, and this one we called the,
uh, the Robin Hood robbery.
00:18:04
And a guy who we had dealt
with on numerous occasions, mainly for burglaries, uh, went
into the lib-- main library,
00:18:13
had on a quiver with
arrows in it, and a bow, and went up to the counter,
pulled the bow back, said,
00:18:22
this is a stick up. The librarian came
to the front counter, and the guy's arm is
getting a little weak.
00:18:28
He's about half-- half mast now. Came back, gave him about $15,
and about now, his arm was
00:18:36
getting sore, and uh,
gave him the money, and after he walked out,
they finally called us.
00:18:42
And so we were looking for a
suspect with a bow and arrow, uh, and we found
him about a half
00:18:48
a block away, uh,
rubbing his shoulder. [theme music]