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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
This is an ADC Warning. The crimes you are
about to see are true.
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Only the names were changed
to protect the ignorant. [theme music] DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): Tonight,
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see the dumb criminal who
just couldn't blend in, surveillance camera
footage of a bro in a bra,
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and some dumb criminals
who deconstruct. All this and more on
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
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-Welcome to "America's
Dumbest Criminals." I'm Daniel Butler. You've probably heard the
phrases dumber than a post
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and can't tell his
elbow from third base and couldn't think his
way out of a paper bag.
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Well, our show
features the people who inspired these phrases. Join us in dredging the muddy
bottom of the river of humanity
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as we open files on
America's dumbest criminals. First up, a large
butt and a red suit
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gets blitzened in "Santa Claws." -This particular Christmas,
a citizen called in.
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And his house had
been burglarized. And when I arrived, he
give me a description.
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He says a big man,
about 400 pounds, black hair with a beard. When I pulled in
the driveway, he
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ran out with an armful
of Christmas presents from under the tree. Of course, he could not see.
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-Santa, you're
going the wrong way! Bring the presents back! -He proceeded to
run across the yard,
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high over an embankment
that was about 20 feet high into the ditch. -Ho. Ho, ho, ho.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Kids,
this is not the real Santa. We repeat, not the real Santa.
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ADC quick number 180. A convenience store
robber in Pennsylvania was easily identified
by his disguise.
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What did the robber wear? Was it A, a bright red
bandana; B, a fake mustache; or C, a big bunny
rabbit costume?
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The correct answer was C.
The rest of the barnyard gang was on the lam and
were later apprehended.
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Next, two undercover
officers recall a sleeping simp
with his hand out. OFFICER 1: Did an
intensive patrol
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through the public
housing units, and we had a crack-buying corner
that just-- we could sit there.
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We'd sit there in the alley, and
they'd come up and buy crack. We had this guy that would
come down there every day,
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had no license,
was usually drunk. And we'd arrest him. Every day he came down
there with no license.
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And we came up on him one time. And we, uh, came up behind him,
put the blue lights on him.
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He's sitting there
in his car, and we can see him holding
money out the window. And he's not moving.
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We can't figure out
what's going on. And we walked up to
him, and this guy's passed out in the window
with this $20 bill
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hanging out the
window like that. OFFICER 2: With his car running
and beer between his legs.
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OFFICER 1: Car's in drive, and
he's got his foot on the brake. And he's passed out.
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[laughs] -Hey. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Now
actual surveillance cam footage of what we call bro in the bra.
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The suspect in the
picture is male, six feet tall, 200 pounds. And-- oh, yeah. He is in touch with
his feminine side.
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Yes. He really is wearing
a bra, cross my heart. The men in the picture walked
into this convenience store
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and demanded money,
obviously so he could purchase the
matching undies. When officers responded
to the robbery,
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this dumb criminal
fired at them and missed before he was arrested. Later, he excused
his bad aim, saying
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that the strap in the
back was riding up. Now, Buddy Tidwell
meets a rocket scientist
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on a one-way ticket to jail. -My partner and I were called to
the scene of a burglary attempt
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in some apartments near
the public housing area. When we arrived there , a
workman told us he saw a man
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come in, uh, and take
a microwave oven. -White t-shirt, tan khaki
pants, toting a microwave.
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I hollered at him. I take off after him. He's running down the street. -So my partner and I went
toward the general area
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that the man fled, and
we began to look for him. -What you doing, man? What's the deal?
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TIDWELL (VOICEOVER):
The description the man gave us was a white
t-shirt with khaki pants.
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And we looked, and there
were eight or nine people on the street wearing a white
t-shirt and khaki pants,
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dressed identically. We drove up to about the
third guy we talked to. And he was perspiring
profusely, and he
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was very nervous
about talking to us. And we had an idea that
this might be our man.
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So we asked him if he
would accompany us, that we were
investigating a crime and we wanted him to
take a ride with us.
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-Me? OFFICER: Yeah, you. Just step in the car. It won't take that long. -See, Mr. Officer,
my-- my auntie
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got me doing a job for her. OFFICER: It won't
take that long. You can come right back.
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[sighs] OFFICER: Just jump in the car. -I got to. OFFICER: You can come back. -I don't have to?
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OFFICER: I just need
to take a look at you. Yeah, you have to. -I have to? OFFICER: Yeah.
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-He said as long
as it didn't take-- it didn't take much time,
because he had someplace
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he had to be in
just a few minutes. And we agreed to that. So we got him in the
backseat of the patrol car.
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And we started back
to, uh, the witness to see if the witness
could identify the man.
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And my partner, in his haste
to get back over there, accidentally took
a left turn where
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he should have taken a right. CRIMINAL: Y'all
need to turn right. -And he inadvertently
directed us right back
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to the house he had broken into. [laughs] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Later, see three fudge
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for brains in action in a
compellingly dumb mental block. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Next up, an anonymous ignoramus
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introduces himself
in "Meet John Doe." -About two or three weeks ago,
a younger officer made an arrest
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on a transient for
loitering and prowling. And he didn't have
any proper ID on him.
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So he was going to book him at
the county jail as John Doe. And, uh, so he went
to put him in the car.
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And the transient told the
officer, said, no, sir. Please let me go
back to my tent.
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-I need to go back to my
tent and get my photo album. -Please get in the vehicle.
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-I just want to
get my photo album. -We'll talk about it.
Get in the car. OK? -My pictures are all of family
and my friends, officer.
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I really wish you-- -OK.
Just get in the vehicle. -I could just go-- -Where is it?
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-Just right in
the tent, officer. -OK.
All right. I'll be right back. -You just turn left in the tent,
right next to my library books.
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-All right. -You can't miss it. -So the officer said OK. And put him in the car, and
he went back to the tent
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to get it for him. And when he brought
it back, the transient told him, go ahead and look
through it, if you want.
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-I insist. You gotta look inside. -OK. -Look, there's my uncle
and my Aunt Zelma.
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I'll tell you what,
their cooking. You'd love their cooking. -Yeah. She's pretty.
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-Let's see. Well, there's me on
my summer vacation. And then that-- look, there's
my little John, my cousin.
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-Yep. -We used to play
football together. -Oh yeah? -And then, let's see. Oh, look at me right here.
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I was-- we were--
what were doing there? OFFICER POTTS: He sees
in the photo album
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a picture of the suspect
in the back of his car on a Wanted poster,
fugitive from justice
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out of another state. [laughs] So he found out
his name, and he-- and he served the
warrant on him.
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-5'11". -No. That-- that must
be someone else. Could be my cousin or something. -I think that's you.
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-Where'd you get
that album anyway? -The suspect had put
his own Wanted picture in the scrapbook,
and he was a fugitive
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from justice on felony charges. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
In Georgia, it used to be against the law
to ride on a public bus
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if you stink, unless you bought
enough gas masks for everyone. Now, a big maroon tries to fence
his hall when "Robber Returns."
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Investigator Connie Isom
responded to a woman's call at a local shopping
center in Florida.
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Someone had broken
into the woman's car and stolen some merchandise
that she had just
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purchased from an
electronics store. Investigator Isom took
down a detailed report
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and began to look
into connections to other thefts in the area. Less than 24 hours
later, Isom was
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called back to the
electronic store. -I need to bring
this stuff back. Man, I need a refund.
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-OK. Um-- -Hey, wait! Wait, wait, wait. This-- look-it. This is my stuff. Where did you get this stuff?
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-Hey, lady, quit that. -Look-it. This is mine. Look. -I need a refund. Lady, quit messing
with my stuff.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): It
seems the woman had returned to record the exact value of the
items for an insurance claim.
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While she was in
the store, a man came in and requested a refund
on several items, all of them
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matching the merchandise
stolen from the woman's car. [arguing] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): When
Investigator Isom returned,
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the dumb criminal
didn't try to deny the obvious or his bad luck. -Oh! -Sir, you're gonna be OK.
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You stay there. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Investigator Isom rescued the dumb
criminal from the woman
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and placed him in
protective custody. Now take you inside the
courtroom for trial and error.
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From actual courtroom
transcripts, a numbskull's day in court turns
south in "Give Him the Finger."
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-Mrs. Ballinger, what did you do
when the robber approached you with his hand concealed
in his pocket?
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-After he demanded the money, I
politely asked to see his gun. -And is that when
he drew it out?
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-Yes. Then we both looked
at his pointed finger. [whispering chatter] Then he turned around
and walked off.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Later
on tonight's show, these two lumps of lard get
fried in "Need a Lift?"
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Next, from Charlotte,
North Carolina, Jim May tells us of a
story we call "Hey Ray."
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-One night we got a call
on a break-in in progress at a warehouse. So I was pretty far off,
so I started that way.
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And another officer coming from
the north end of the county, he met me. I go in this warehouse,
and I'm walking
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in this pitch dark warehouse. I was calling my partner. And I said, Ray, Ray. OFFICER MAY (ONSCREEN): Ray?
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OFFICER MAY (VOICEOVER): I was
looking for a light switch. I kept calling my partner.
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I said, Ray. Ray. OFFICER MAY (ONSCREEN): Ray? -I finally got to the very
back of the warehouse,
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and I was still calling out this
officer's name periodically. I said, Ray. OFFICER MAY (ONSCREEN): Ray.
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Ray? -What? -All right there, guys. Don't move! [bleep] -That's my name, isn't it?
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Watch closely, and we'll show you the ins and
out of dumb criminals at work.
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The four men running towards
the front of this establishment are dumb criminals.
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They open the doors and
run in to rob the building, passing by witnesses,
who, nearly a few seconds
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later, run out to
call the police. Once again, four
dumb criminals run in and let an equal number
of witnesses run out.
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In and right back out. Later, one dumb criminal bragged
the operation couldn't have
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gone quicker if they'd
used a revolving door. In Pensacola, Chip Simmons
remembers a mental midget
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with faulty memory
chips in "You Again!" -I'd been working, uh, this
one particular informant.
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He was providing me information
about the drug dealers in a specific area. Well, um, you know, so we
drove by there routinely.
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And at this one point, I
decided that I would dress up in an army shirt
and grab an army
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truck out to this
specific location. Well, this guy was hounding
me about all the people
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selling dope in this one area. So I said, well, let's
go back to this area, because this informant,
named by name,
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was telling me
about all the crack that was being sold over there. So I drove over there.
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Basically, I didn't do
anything except for drove a different truck and
ended up contacting
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this guy that's at the corner. And, uh, he sold
me crack cocaine. -Let's see what you got.
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Let me see it. Yeah. Keep it down. Keep it down. What's wrong? -You got some rock for me?
-Yeah.
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I got it. I got anything you need, man. -All right. -Take a look at this. -Yeah, yeah.
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You just take a look. Keep it down. -That's good. -All right. All right. -Here you go.
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-Get the money. Thanks, man. All right. I can get you anything
anytime you want, man.
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Anytime you want
at all, all right? That's what I can do for you. OFFICER SIMMONS (VOICEOVER):
And then the officers
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swooped in and got him and was
trying to find out that that was my informant who
didn't recognize me.
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And, uh, I just talked to him,
like, a couple hours before and told him we were
fixing to go out there.
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But, uh, he was dumb enough
to sell it to me anyways. He kicks himself in
the butt every time
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he thinks about it now. He laughs. Every time I see
him, he just laughs. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
In Colorado, it
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used to be against
the law for a hospital to deliver a baby without its
mother, except on Father's Day,
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of course. Now a man with a small
mind and a big mouth answers the question
"Need a Lift?"
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-We had been searching
for an individual, uh, as a suspect
in some burglaries. Um, and we found
out that he already
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had an outstanding
felony warrant on him for failure to
appear on a burglary. Through dealing with
this individual,
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we knew that as soon as he found
out that we were after him, it would be like chasing a deer.
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I mean, there was no way
that we could catch him. -We had previously been
through this with him before,
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and there was-- he'd go for
months when you couldn't catch him, because we were
on his home territory.
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And you could not
catch him whatsoever. Nobody was as fast as he was. -So we went to his house.
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He wasn't-- wasn't there. Went to several other houses
where we thought he might be,
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and we just were having
a problem locating him. So later on that night-- I
guess it was about 8 o'clock
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at night-- we turned onto
one of the major roads. And we passed two
individuals walking up
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the road, one of them
carrying a gas can. OFFICER (VOICEOVER):
So we went back up to where they were walking.
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And, uh, I said, hey. You run out of gas? He said, yeah, officer cops. And I said, well,
how about we give
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you a ride down the gas station? And, uh, he said sure. So I opened the
door, and the person
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we were looking for that had
the felony warrant on him jumps in the backseat. I slammed the door shut
and told the other guy,
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I said, he's under arrest. And that's how we ended about
a four-month search looking
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for him. [laughs] Gave
him a lift, being the, uh, helpful officers that we are. And he still had
his prison shoes
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on from where he'd just been
paroled several months before. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Next, an officer
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gets his moron in "Door
to Door Crime Buster." In Savannah, an officer
developed a simple approach
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to drug bust, simple
enough to fool simpletons. [knocking on door] -Hey. -Whoa. Whoa.
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I know this is strange. Everything's cool. Everything's fine. Um, listen, I gotta
be careful here.
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Uh, one of the guys
down at the station said that you have got
the primo dopo in town.
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And, uh, you imagine--
everything's cool. I'm all by myself. I had to bring the car.
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I'm -We don't have-- I
don't have any dope. -But I promise I'm cool. Can I come in?
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I look a little
suspicious in here. Thank you. -But we-- I don't have any dope. -Listen, trust me.
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I got,uh-- I heard 60 bucks. That's what the word was. Is that right? 20, 40, 60?
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All US currency there. -But you're a cop. -No, no, no. No. Yes, I am. But, you know, hey, we gotta
do our thing, too, you know?
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Uh, you know, you
don't realize how hard it is for a guy like me
to find the right stuff.
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You know what I mean? What do you think? Um, can we give it a try? -Just give me a sec.
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-Let me look at what you've got. I hear it's good. What do you think? Whew. -Yeah.
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I probably need to
get moving along here. Oh, boy. You think this is hard on you.
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This is really hard on me. Oh, man. That looks like some good stuff. -Mexico. -Mexico.
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Woo! Whoa. -60 bucks. -Yeah. 60 bucks. -60 bucks. -Put this away. Ah, this is a lifesaver, guys.
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I'll tell you what, if this
works out, I will be back. OK? -OK. -Here you go. I appreciate it very much.
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Good, huh? OK. And, uh, you're under
arrest for selling dope to a uniformed officer.
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DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): In Oregon, it used to be against the law
for a woman to drink coffee.
00:16:53
Instead, they were encouraged
to roll hula hoops downhill. Jerry McIntosh recalls
the night of living
00:17:01
stupidly in "Mental Blocks." -We had an alarm go
off at Bakka Drugs. And, uh, the drugstore sat on
an old city road, ground level.
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And then he had a driveway
going around to the back. Well, in the back, because
he had so much flooding,
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he built like a-- maybe a
six-foot high retaining wall. But it was the same
color as the building.
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Evidently, our three burglars
or would-be burglars. Had came in from
the back, thought
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this was the back
of the building. If you went over this retaining
wall, you would be on his roof.
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[sirens] And then when
the people caught him, and we caught him, they had
spent roughly 45 minutes
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breaking through a wall that
was going to not do anything but put them on top
of the business.
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And they thought they
were breaking in the back. [laughing] And that
disgusted them more
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than us catching them. -Folks, if you'd
like to get a look inside the dumb criminal
mind, take a flashlight.
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It's real dark in there. High thanks to all the
courageous men and women of law enforcement.
00:18:19
Without their
stories, we'd never know just how dumb
criminals can be. And thanks to you for watching.
00:18:23
I'm Daniel Butler
saying, don't be dumb. Don't break the law. [theme music] [theme music]