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-Greetings, law abiding viewers. I'm Daniel Butler. And this is "America's
Dumbest Criminals".
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[theme music] NARRATOR: On this week's
"America's Dumbest Criminals". -I'm not doing anything.
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Just waiting on the bus. NARRATOR: Two lame liars
in "Asinine Alibis". A chimney creep
in "Santa Claus".
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-Help! NARRATOR: A dangling dummy
in "Swinging Single". -Wee! NARRATOR: "Diamonds are
a Kid's Best Friend".
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-They're not real diamonds. Take a look at them. POLICE OFFICER: Well,
I believe they are.
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NARRATOR: You won't want
to miss this episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals". -Our next story is
a tragic tale of woe
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as a rejected Romeo attempts
to enter his girlfriend's apartment through yonder window.
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DANIEL BUTLER: It seems our
sad Sam was kicked to the curb by his girlfriend, who promptly
locked the door behind him.
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But ever the
romantic, Sam decided to reenter her life
from the outside in. He went to the roof, tied a
fire hose around his waist,
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and proceeded to make his way
down the side of the building. However, the hose got.
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And so did he about four floors
off the ground, where he hung for a while until
firefighters arrived
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to rescue him from
his peculiar perch. -How we doing up top? -Maybe next time he'll think
twice before he goes looking
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for love again from
all the wrong places. When police officers
interrogate dumb criminals,
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their alibis are usually lies. So we call them "aliblies". And here are three
of the biggest
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"aliblies" we've
heard this week. DANIEL BUTLER: An officer
in Kansas City, Missouri
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was chasing a
burglary suspect when he found the man
hiding in the bushes. When he asked the man what he
was doing hiding in the bushes,
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his reply was-- -I'm not doing anything,
just waiting on the bus. -That was pretty lame.
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A man in Virginia pleaded
guilty to writing bad checks while awaiting trial on another
bad check writing charge.
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When the judge asked why he
was writing so many bad checks, he said that he needed
the money for therapy
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to break his bad
check writing habit. And now into our
third and final story, two young men in their
20's were arrested
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for an armed robbery
that occurred in Florida. Why did they need the money? It wasn't for drugs.
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It wasn't for a new car. -You guys, I got one question. What the [bleep] are you
gonna do with all that money?
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-Just trying to get enough money
to get into the police academy. -It's usually a good day if you
go to court and get out of $200
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traffic ticket, huh? Unfortunately for
the [inaudible], she started her celebration
a little too early.
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DANIEL BUTLER: In
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, this woman's
traffic ticket was dismissed when the
officer failed to appear.
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But much to her chagrin,
when she walked to the stand to testify, she
apparently swung her bag
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over her shoulder and a
package of rolling papers and a small bag of marijuana
fell at the feet of two police
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officers from West Palm Beach. And that, as you know,
is against the law unless you live in
California and have
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recently stubbed your toe. -So our dizzy defendant was
freeze as a bird and all set
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to go home when her confounded
contraband did her in. Busted by a bad bag. What's a goofy gal to do, huh?
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Now an amazing story
from Charlotte, Michigan involving
a couple who are eyewitnesses to the theft
of their own brand new car.
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I have a surprise. Put your hands over your eyes. -OK. DANIEL BUTLER: Tom Jackson had
gotten his wife the biggest,
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best, most expensive
birthday gift ever and wanted to capture
the moment on video tape.
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OK.
Are you ready? -Yeah. OK. Open your eyes. -Oh my god. Surprise! -Honey, is that for me?
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-Happy birthday, honey! You're so sweet! -Hey! Hey!
Where are you guys going? [shouts]
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-Hey!
Get out of there! Hey! What do you guys
think you're doing? Hey! Get away from there!
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DANIEL BUTLER: Tom's
wife called 911. And within moments, an
officer was in pursuit.
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The officer couldn't
believe his eyes as the teens made a quick right
turn into a nearby parking lot
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and ran up the steps of
the closest building. The juvenile detention center. -Hands up.
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-Where they were
quickly detained and told that their
rooms were ready. -You have the right
to remain seated.
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-What's that? -Come on. We're ready to go. Three-- three, two, one. -Here we are again with
Crimes of the Week.
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I'm Daniel Butler and with me
as always is Beaumont Bacon. -Hello. -Let's talk about a subject
we're all familiar with.
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-OK. -Money. -Yeah. -Lots of it and ill gotten. Beaumont, why don't you
commence the comments
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on these crimes committed
in the pursuit of cash. -It is in the pursuit of cash.
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-All of it. -An officer in
Hyattsville, Maryland overheard this exchange
between a sheriff
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and his newest boarder
at the county jail. What's your charge, young lady? And she replied, well,
it's usually $50,
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but for you, Sheriff,
I'll make it $20 flat. -True story. -It is a true story. -And she probably
could have gotten
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it for him wholesale I bet. -I bet so. -Here's a story about two
bloops going for the big bucks.
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The men kidnapped a
Washington Heights at gunpoint and drove him to an
upstate New York motel,
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forcing the man to call his
family requesting a $300,000 ransom. -A lot of dough.
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-The Bronx bozo sat and
waited for the police to arrive with the cash,
unwittingly that is,
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because, you see, the man
held hostage by the halfwits was ordered to tell his family
exactly where the kidnappers
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had taken and what
room he was in. Drop off the money with them. -I guess so. But, you know, not before
the same information
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was given to room service. Hungry.
-A little hungry. -I guess so. But the police did arrive first.
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-Before the room service. -Daniel, let's focus
on two more morons hoping to earn some easy money.
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Now listen to this. These guys were
arrested for attempted robbery with a deadly weapon.
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-Mm-hm. -The Silver Lake
California crooks were apprehended in the victim's
apartment wearing nothing
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but their underwear
and an attitude. Laughing -That's it. That's it. -It's a disguise?
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-I guess so. By stripping down, they
hoped to fool the police into believing that
they lived there.
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The police-- they-- now
the police would not confirm reports of dollar
bills stuck in their panties.
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-It could've been tips. -It could've been. It's hard when it's
quarters and nickels.
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Where do you put them? -It's a little more painful. -Well, let me tell you what.
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It seems our money
motif is gonna carry over into our
Vidiot of the Week. -It certainly is, Beaumont.
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You know, it's
true the lines are often long at your local bank. -Yes. -But as even the dumbest
criminal will tell you,
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it's only lines getting to
the window, not away from it, you know? It kind of makes you wonder
what this blundering Baltimore
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bank robber was thinking. DANIEL BUTLER: Unarmed,
the man was smart enough to write a stick up note,
present it to the teller.
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I mean, let's give credit
where credit is due. He was good up until then. Another teller then phoned
in the robbery in progress.
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And Officer Ty Crane,
who was on foot duty just a few minutes
away, received the call.
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Meanwhile, back at
the bank, the robber took the advice of a very
obscure song by the Steve
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Miller Band, "go
on, take the money, and make yourself comfortable". -That's a big hit.
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It was-- -Yeah, well, instead of
running, you see, this man started counting
his loot right there
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at the little
counter in the bank. All right. When Officer Crane
arrived on the scene
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he was about to ask which
way the man ran when several employees pointed
out the loitering criminal.
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Crane arrested the
man, who was also charged with robbing the
same bank a month earlier.
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-Perhaps the judge will
be lenient, though, since he certainly did not
flee the scene of the crime.
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-Yeah, but still-- -You know, right there
counting the money. -What a-- how much
did he actually get?
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-Well, we'll never know
because when they arrested him, he lost count. -Police officers know
that marijuana cultivators
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go to great lengths to
pamper their plants. But we have a story of a woman
we took that to extremes.
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DANIEL BUTLER: When an officer
stopped a woman for running a red light, she
immediately exited her car
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and ran to his squad car. The officer instructed the
woman to return to her vehicle,
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but the woman refused. Now the officer knew why
the woman was so nervous. He discovered a
small herb garden
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in the backseat of her car. There were more than half
a dozen marijuana plants of at least two feet high
neatly stacked in her backseat.
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The woman freely admitted
that the plants were hers. And when asked why she
was transporting them,
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she had a perfectly good
horticultural answer. -That they actually
grew faster when
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she played them music
on her car stereo. Kids, let's go for a ride. Over six months had passed
since Officer Eugene Bevel had
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investigated the
disappearance of over $100,000 worth of diamonds at
a local jewelry store
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when the FBI called, having
discovered an incredible number of diamonds disguised in
original works of art.
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-Hi. -Hi. DANIEL BUTLER: The unwitting
young artist at Miss Mulberry's Daycare Center
thought the pretty
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sparkly eyes were
just glass beads. The trail now led
to Miss Mulberry. Miss Mulberry claimed that the
pretty glass beads had been
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donated by one of the
parents of the children. One little girl's grandpa
had found these pretty glass
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beads in a sock in his drawer. -They're not real diamonds. Take a look at them. Well, I believe they are.
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I've done quite a bit
of work on this case. DANIEL BUTLER: So he gave
them to his granddaughter
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for school art projects which
led the police to his daughter, who just happened to be an
employee of the jewelry store
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that was robbed
over six months ago. Over 90% of the
diamonds were recovered. -What about the
other 10%, you ask.
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Well, if you see a painting
that looks like one of these, call me. I'll give you $100
for it on the spot.
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-You have the right
to remain seated. -Detective Dan Oberhoff tells
of a San Francisco showdown
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with a member of the Chain Gang. DANIEL BUTLER: He was responding
to an armed robbery in progress
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and approached a
group of men who might be able to enlighten
him as to what was going on.
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-I get about 15 feet away,
and this one guy comes out of the group, and he's got
a bicycle chain-- about a 30
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inch bicycle chain in his hand. And he's walking up to me. And he says, hey, man,
give me your money.
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Brace yourself.
Give me your money. I want your money.
Give me your wallet. I reach in, pull out my
star-- big, gold star lanyard.
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DANIEL BUTLER: Clue number one. -At the time I'm
wearing my revolver, which is like a
Dirty Harry cannon.
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DANIEL BUTLER: Clue number two. -A huge, black monster cannon. So I got this gold star.
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I got this big gun. I point the gun at him. I say, I'm a cop. Drop the chain. DANIEL BUTLER:
Clue number three.
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-And this kind of look
goes over his face, and he goes-- the chain kind
of comes down-- he goes,
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are you really a cop? -Put them all together,
and what do you get? An idiot having a
near death experience.
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-And the guy goes,
are you really a cop? I go, look, you got a chain. I've got a gun.
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Does it really matter? -Lay face down, you idiot. -Ah, dilemmas. You've just robbed a bank.
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You've got bags and bags of
cash sitting around the house. Now you've gotta
put it somewhere.
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Let's see, under the mattress? Buried in the backyard? For this bozo, the buck
stopped back at the bank.
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We're talking about
a crook playing hockey with a warped puck, kids. DANIEL BUTLER: Our crafty crook
returned to the very same bank
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he had robbed a few days
earlier and tried to deposit the money into his
own bank account.
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-How much would you
like to deposit? -There's about $6,000 here. DANIEL BUTLER: Unfortunately
for him, the teller
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recognized the
standard bank stamp printed on each bundle
of cash and quickly called for assistance.
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-Is there a problem? -Uh, no, no, not at all. I just need to verify it. -Yes, ma'am.
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-Um, this gentleman would
like to deposit this $6,000 into his account,
but it's our money.
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-The cops hauled
him off, and he was sent to prison for six years. There was a penalty
for early withdrawal.
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Beaumont is out
in the field where it would appear to be
raining dumb criminals.
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-That's right, Daniel. In a small town in
the Lone Star state they literally had the
criminals falling from the sky.
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And we've got the proof. BEAUMONT BACON: Picture
this, our flying felon had cut a hole in the roof
of an electronic store.
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While surveillance
cameras were rolling, he proceeded to
lower himself down through the hole using a
ten foot length of rope.
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Unfortunately, before the
man reached the floor, he had reached the
end of his rope.
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I mean, literally. 15 feet above the floor. He dropped to the cold, hard
floor and fractured his leg.
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Oh, he got up and he struggled. And he drug himself over to the
door, trying to make an escape.
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And he ended up setting
off the store alarm. Moments later,
the police arrived to find the hole in the
ceiling and a wallet.
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Our lug nut from the sky had
bounced so hard on the cement floor that his
wallet popped out.
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Before the officer could
even call in the man's ID, 911 received a call from
someone in obvious pain
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only about a half a block away. When the police asked the
man how he broke his leg,
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he said that he broke
it playing soccer alone in his bedroom at 3
o'clock in the morning.
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Proving once again
that a dope doesn't need that much rope
to hang himself. Daniel, back to you.
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-Now I'm sure that all
of us have at one time picked up a few more items than
we had money for while we were
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shopping and we had
to return something from the checkout line. But here's a dumb criminal
with another solution.
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DANIEL BUTLER: One
of these shoppers is an inebriated
college student. If you guessed the man not
wearing a hat, you're right.
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He had just run out of beer and
common sense when we strolled into this convenience
stores at one AM.
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The clerk watched
him carefully he selected the lowest
price beer in the cooler.
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Then the clerk carded the clown
before he rang up the purchase only to find this guy
was about $1.50 short.
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Well, rather than put
back one six back, this guy just decides
to take a handful
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of cash fro,m the
register drawer. Hm. Good choice. -Later, when the cops
arrived, the clerk
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gave them the robber's
name and address, which he had remembered
from the dodo's ID.
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So this dummy went
from broke to busted, making him an I-D-I-O-T. -Go back to the couch
and assume the position.
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-Be careful what you ask
for, you just might get it. Let's check out a
wacky California woman
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who found that out the hard way. -Daniel, let me give you
a little background story.
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This gal got into
a fight at a party. She was one of the
guests at this party. What women get
into-- how do you get
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into a fight at a dinner party? This woman-- apparently there
was a lot of cat scratching,
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and pulling of hair,
throwing of vases. Anyway, the woman was arrested
and was taken to jail.
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BEAUMONT BACON:
So when she comes to appear in front
of the judge, she is wearing one of
those real cute
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little county orange uniforms. She appears in
front of the judge. And the judge, like I
said, fines her $100
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and asks the woman,
excuse me, ma'am, you got anything
you want to say? Got anything you
want to add to that?
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And the woman's so sarcastic. This tells you-- she's
almost off the hook. Retorts to the
judge, oh, yes, you
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know what, I really
like this outfit. Can I keep it as a souvenir? Well, the judge did not
appreciate the sarcasm one bit.
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She said, listen
here, little missy. Since you like it so much,
just for that I'm gonna let
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you spend another 60
days in jail wearing it. And the woman, she did wear it. And she looks fabulous.
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-Poor woman. She kicked and screamed
all the way to the slammer. But at least she's got
something real pretty to wear.
00:16:10
Twas a hot light in August
and all through the house not a creature was stirring
except for his house.
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DANIEL BUTLER: The burglar
was stuck in the chimney right there with visions of
rescue crews pumping him air.
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Then from outside the brick,
there came such a clatter as teams showed up to
see what was the matter.
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Some sledge hammers, and
jackhammers, and crow bars for fixing, with medics,
and firefighters,
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and police officers mixing. And when they were
finished, without a doubt, they plopped him on a
gurney and carried him out.
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Then the ambulance flashed
and sped out of sight, taking one more idiot off
our streets that good night.
00:16:56
Thanks for tuning into
"America's Dumbest Criminals" where dumb criminals always
seem to be tuning out.
00:17:02
For Beaumont Bacon and
the rest of the ADC team, we'll see you next week on
"America's Dumbest Criminals".
00:17:13
NARRATOR: Next week on
"America's Dumbest Criminals", the case of a stuffed turkey,
"Swamp Things," a taunting car
00:17:25
robber, and a couple of
professional safe quackers. -Hey! Hey! NARRATOR: All this
and more next week
00:17:37
on "America's
Dumbest Criminals". -[inaudible]. -Can you say without closing
your mouth? [mumbling]
00:17:47
-[mumbling] -It's close. Pretty good. -[mumbling] -It's a gift. -It was a gift. -Work on it.
00:17:54
Ugh. Beaumont? Oh, Off the broken glass
on the empty display window and the
still ringing alarm.
00:18:03
Beaumont? --local bank. But is he-- is he-- Yes, sir. Scream -Honey, there's
something right here.
00:18:20
You want me to get it? Oh. -[french]. Two officers. -And he replied. Sir, is this your car?
00:18:37
-Now you listen to me. When you talk-- -I've had just about enough-- -I don't want you
talking to Ken.
00:18:42
OK? -You know what-- -OK? -I've had-- I'm just
about up to here. Just so you know, I
make more than you.
00:18:49
-Line of cars. Car, line of cars. [laughing] Yeah. A real [inaudible] at the
jail waiting to visit.
00:19:01
-I'm so sorry about-- -So-- -Oh, I am so sorry. Thank you for-- -They type them big
like that for emphasis.
00:19:10
I don't know. But it was sort of a
Paul Harvey-esque thing. -Good day. -But still, no.
00:19:16
-Good day. -The rest of the story. Page two. -Why, yes it was. I'm speaking in tongues.
00:19:27
-Maybe a comet. A comet. Maybe a comet. Go ahead. Thank you. It was the mic experience.
00:19:35
During one of your
stories, though.