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this is an adc warning the crimes you're about to see are true only the names
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were changed to protect the ignorant [Music] tonight on america's dumbest criminals a
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guy who graduated from the school of hard knocks a chef with a recipe for arrest and a drug bust with a twist
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these are just a few of america's dumbest criminals [Music] hi and welcome i'm daniel butler you
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know there's a reason that we changed the names of the criminals that you see
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on this show it is our sincere belief and hope that many of them have realized their mistakes and discovered that being
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a criminal just doesn't pay they deserve a second chance but there are some people who need protection from
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themselves they need to be members of the witless protection program which we offer here on america's dumbest
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criminals our first story comes to us from captain mike cottage an explosive situation
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where a man had doused himself in everything in his house with gasoline the swat team was several blocks away
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waiting to deploy and our initial response team which was our negotiators they had gone up and surrounded the
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house and had started trying some kind of dialogue you know gathering information and
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everything come on out ronnie we can work this out it'll be all right no man
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forget it i drenched this house with gas and this whole place is gonna blow ronnie wait wait ryan now just slow down
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ronnie there is always hope let's talk oh shut up that talk dog i'm gonna talk
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i'm into this down ready ready wait ronnie there was a tense silence the captain
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was ready to give the swat team the signal to go in then hey hey cop what is it ronnie
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you got a match i see a match what'd you say ronnie matches man uh eleven matches in the pickup truck
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we go come on again uh sure ronnie look at your matches he was not prepared i guess preparedness
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would be the key on that one [Music] watch now as officer chip simmons of the pensacola police department reduces a
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dumb criminal's rock solid story to rubble a couple years ago i was working in the narcotics unit as a narcotic
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investigator and what we would do on occasion was we'd go through these hot spots to where
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they would have you know we have a lot of drug activity a lot of complaints about drug activity
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a lot of these places were behind local nightclubs well um on this date we hit some of
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these locations and as we hit one of them the entire unit jumped out of the van we ran stop some
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people do not resist come on i didn't do anything i didn't do anything man i
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didn't do it oh yeah what's this huh we found some cocaine on this one individual um but he didn't have any
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identification on him and we were trying we tried for 20 minutes trying to figure
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out who this guy is he kept giving us one name and then he'd change it a little bit and he'd give us an address
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and he changed a little bit but he always had a story you know or a reason for why he changed it and what you know
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some kind of excuse for what the name problem that we would confront him with so i figured i would test him so i asked
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him again where he lived he said something like 100 johnson avenue i again thought that he was being
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so smug about having this address already in his mind that i would test him with that and i asked him you know i
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was at that blue house on johnson he said yeah that's the blue house the big
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blue one i said the one with the the white car i was parked there yeah yeah that's it yes thinking that he's you
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know he's got me so i figured i'd further test him because you know i still didn't believe him and
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i finally confirmed him i said no that can't be your house i know who lives in
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that house i said that's the rubble's residence i said it can't be yours and
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he looked at me strange and um so i realized he didn't get it so i said yeah barney and betty rubble live
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there you can't live there and he thought for a second he looked kind of confused
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i bought that house from them eventually i we found out who he's what his real name was
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it wasn't fred flintstone he didn't buy the house from the rebels and he was
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arrested the yamadava dude was sentenced to hard labor on the bedrock pile in decatur illinois it's against the law
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to drive without a steering wheel so if you don't have a steering wheel you can
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just slide right on by decatur and now actual surveillance cam footage of a crooked cook giving gourmet lessons
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to two undercover officers now it's time once again for cooking with chef crack
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today chef crack has been invited by these two undercover narcotics officers to cook up some crack cocaine in their
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basement on video jeff crack doesn't know he's being videotaped as he gathers together the
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fine ingredients first of all you need a ziploc baggie of a controlled substance
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water oregano thyme and an ashtray now chef crack will lightly simmer the whole concoction
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then he checks it to see if it's done nope you'll need to simmer just a few
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moments more now you can do this in an electric range or gas stove or just use the cigarette lighter in your pocket
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now be sure to add more water because there's nothing worse than burnt crack
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well that's all the time we have for this week on cooking with chef craig unfortunately chef crack will not be
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seen next week because the first show played in court if you'd like to write to chef crack
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just contact him at state pen in care of the kitchen where he'll be serving up goulash for
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the next 15 years coming up next on america's dumbest criminals a story of homegrown stupidity
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[Music] [Music] in our next story officer scott mcdonald weeds out a dumb criminal
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i had information this guy was growing marijuana in his house we couldn't get any probable cause to
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obtain a search warrant so we went just was going to try to knock on his door and see if we could consent to search
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how you doing all right we received information you're a cultivator of marijuana we'd like to come in and take
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a look i ain't no cultivator okay i said well do you mind if we come in and search he said no i don't mind so he's
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signed a consent to search as quickly as the intensive search began it ended hey what's this in here
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a workout room we just walked through i went to the first bedroom open the closet and he had
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marijuana growing in there and a incubator with the lights on it and everything what's this
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marijuana i said i thought you said you weren't cultivating marijuana and we
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were videotaping the whole time he's standing in front of video camera and he's later i ain't no cultivator i'm
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a presbyterian the officers explained that cultivator was not a religious term but the man was
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indignant and he still insisted he says oh i'm not a cultivator i'm just some
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guy that got some marijuana growing in his house abc quiz number the people in concepcion peru were
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shocked when a man stole two chickens why was it because a it was the first crime since 1762
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b chicken stealing was a capital offense or c there was only one chicken living in concepcion at the time
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the correct answer was a it was the first crime since 1762 probably because the punishment for
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chicken stealing was a peruvian torture treatment we now call a perm and now actual surveillance cam footage of a man
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who breaks into a retail shopping center and overlooks some important details of
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his disguise maul in a day's work okay this burglar uses a bag for a disguise not bad but the eye holes are
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way too small so he crashes into the first thing he comes to a burglar alarm on display
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now he peers around the store but he realizes the eye holes just aren't working so he retreats
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only to come back moments later with bigger eye holes and a flashlight now he's getting around great but he forgot
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one thing he's wearing his maul guard security pants he was identified later as the
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mall guard on duty at the time and now inside the courtroom for trial and error a woman had her purse snatched but her
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assailants were apprehended now it was time to identify them and she was scared of the two men who committed this
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horrible crime present in the courtroom here present [Music] and now the funny story of a smash and
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grab artist who keeps himself in stitches sergeant jim claiborne told us about the blockhead who came face to
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face with crushing justice okay we were working with an informant on a burglary stakeout convenience store
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that been hit quite a number of times in the in the city uh smash and grab operations
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where they'd take a a block and throw it through the window and go in and steal
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all the cigarettes the gentleman came up to the front of the store with a cinder block and since
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the store had been broken into a number of times they'd replaced a lot of the
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large windows in front other than with glass with plexiglass he flung a cinder block against what he
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thought was one of the glass windows which turned out to be one of the plexiglas windows
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this criminal gives new meaning to the term blockhead [Music] he had to have a few stitches he went to
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the hospital before he went to jail okay four of the windows were glass so he had a chance which is more than we
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can say for this guy coming up on america's dumbest criminals [Music] next we go to officer gordon martinez in
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las vegas who met a dumb criminal he just had to agree with i used to be a motorcycle police officer
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and i pulled over this individual who was speeding southbound on jones from charleston
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he was uh doing i believe about 50 miles an hour in a 35 mile per hour zone i got him on
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radar pulled him over uh he immediately exited his vehicle and i was in full uniform on my police
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motorcycle and he immediately just came out of the car and says well my life is over
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i said well basically i think you're kind of just pushing this thing all out
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of proportion all you're doing is speeding he goes no you don't seem to understand
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and i go well try me i'm i'm open it says i'm finished my life is over you might as well shoot
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me right now i go whoa i said well just tell me what's happened let's start out with the basics let me
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see your driver's license registration and insurance form i don't have a driver's license
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well you just forgot it or he goes no it's revoked oh that's bad all right how about the registration
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don't have that either we just don't have the certificate or what he goes
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no the vehicle is unregistered i go it is it looks like you have valid plates on
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the car the plates don't belong on the car looks like you got a valid sticker
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a sticker's not mine either i suppose insurance is out of the question right
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i said okay the car is stolen the plates are stolen he's driving on a revoked driver's
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license for dui no insurance and obviously the no registration i confirmed with him his life was over
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as he knew it you know it's true people will do some pretty dumb things when they know
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they're in front of a camera but they do even dumber things when they don't know especially when it's a
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surveillance camera so let's watch the actual surveillance camera tape a case
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we call the night crawler this crawling lady hid in a back room until the store closed to do her
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shopping at a five finger discount now she's smart enough to stay down and not
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be seen through the windows but too dumb to look up at the camera in plain sight
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the lady was apprehended the next morning when the owners came in they called the exterminator who sprayed for
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night crawlers and then installed a nice one bedroom nightcrawler motel in south carolina it used to be against
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the law to sell whiskey at night or on a cloudy day when the law was repealed they made up
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for all those cloudy days this next story came to us from detective chris stewart we put it in our book we put it
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in our home video and we liked it so much we're bringing it back because folks
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it just doesn't get much dumber than this well we had a um what we call here
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a 1017 armed robbery report that went out and the uh the center part of town of course i would make reference that
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there was a girl working at a convenience store pretty girl working at a convenience store on one side and
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there was a restaurant that gives half price to the police on the other side so this guy didn't have a prayer i mean
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there were cops everywhere so we had a reported armed robbery that took place the officers responded to the
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to the scene the dispatcher took the information over the telephone of a description of the suspect
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searching a wide area one of the march units found what they both found a suspect
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that they believe for the description so i went to the location myself and another detective
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and we felt also that the guy fit the description of the on driver's suspect so i told the officers that we
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need to take him back for id purposes for identification purposes called over the radio to have the unit that was at
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the scene have her stand by have the victim stand by because we needed to bring somebody back for identification
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now what happens is if you catch someone within a reasonable time after they commit a crime you take them back for
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what they call one-on-one show up so that the victim can actually look at someone and say that is him or is not
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him okay carmen now the suspect's about to step out of the car and i want you to
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tell me if this is the man that robbed you we got back to the scene and had him step out of the car the suspect did just
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exactly as he was told he stepped from the vehicle he faced the victim and he said
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yes sir that's her that's the woman i robbed i don't believe that i haven't said it
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so we went from there she didn't get a chance to say a word she identified him later but his initial
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statement kind of threw everybody off [Music] welcome back to america's dumbest
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criminals pay close attention as officer glenn biggs has a brief encounter with a
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dumb criminal a guy in custody for narcotics violations took him in started to do the arrest report and got his name
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address and asked us what's your dob he said what's that i said when's your
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birthday he said may 5th i said what year he said every year man [Laughter] all right you've seen what happens when
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you make the wrong choice you will screw up you will get caught and you will feel
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really dumb so be smart make the right choice don't break the law and we won't
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see you on america's dumbest criminals you know we couldn't have done this show
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without the cooperation of the men and women of law enforcement across america we'd like to thank them for their time
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their dedication and for making our lives a lot safer and we learned that cops are just people too
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with one exception they're willing to lay down their lives for us [Music] um
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[Music] here [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you