00:00:00
[music playing] ANNOUNCER: Tonight on
"America's Dumbest Criminals," would you recognize a case
of picture-perfect stupidity
00:00:09
developing before your eyes? He slipped down
the duct thinking he was one cool customer.
00:00:14
But now he has no place
to vent his anger. And we've all taken wrong turns. But this guy's two
time zones away
00:00:20
from where he thought he was. Here are your directions. Sit tight. We're about to
show you the lineup
00:00:26
of America's dumbest criminals. FEMALE OFFICER (ON RADIO):
Delta 1-5-2-6, give me a call.
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[theme music] [tires squealing] [siren wailing] [theme music] MAN: Duh. ANNOUNCER: Now welcome your
hosts for "America's Dumbest
00:01:05
Criminals," Daniel
Butler and Debbie Alan. -Hello. -Precious. -Hello. Hello, precious.
00:01:11
[laughing] -All right, if I gave you $50,
would you let me cut your hair, huh? -Are you out of your mind?
00:01:18
-No, no, but one of the
criminals who'll be on the show later tonight apparently is.
00:01:23
Well, we're gonna
get to a guy later who's the ponytail
bandit, all right? DEBBIE ALAN: It's weird.
00:01:27
-But now we've got a
story about teenagers who thought that pictures that
developed instantly literally
00:01:32
came out of the camera
fully developed. [laughing] -Patience was clearly one
of the several virtues
00:01:37
these kids didn't have. Not only were they
caught on camera, they were caught by a camera.
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Seeing is believing. [theme music] [siren wailing] -I was sent to
investigate a burglary
00:01:52
at a sporting goods store. And when I got there, I
was processing the scene. And I happened across this
garbage can behind the counter.
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And-- and inside the garbage
can is a Polaroid camera. I asked the owner if
this was his camera.
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And he says, yeah, it's
usually sitting on the counter to take pictures of guns on
consignment that he takes in.
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So I picked the camera up
out of the garbage can. And underneath
the camera are two
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Polaroid pictures
of two juveniles. -Look at this, guys. -We took the Polaroid pictures.
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Uh, we come back to
the police department and looked it up in the--
in the school yearbook
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and matched the two pictures
up to the-- the two juveniles who broke into the store and
went and payed them a visit.
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-Picture. JAMES ROCCO: And later,
while-- when we were talking with the two juveniles,
they're telling me
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that they saw the camera there. And-- and he-- he took a
picture of his buddy with it.
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And it came out gray. He didn't know he had to wait
a minute for it to develop. -This sucks.
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JAMES ROCCO: So he thought
the camera wasn't working. So his buddy takes
the camera and says,
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well, you just don't
know how to do it. So his buddy takes a
picture of the other one.
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And he says, yeah, you're right. He says, they're both gray. So they-- they throw
them in the garbage
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can, uh, too dumb to
realize that Polaroids take a few minutes to develop. And when they were confronted,
they-- they initially denied it
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until we showed them the
Polaroid pictures of them inside the business. And they couldn't explain it.
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It's been a long
time since I've come across a couple
idiots like these. -OK, girls with guns.
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I know it sounds like one
of those bad drive-in movies in the early '70s, you know,
like "Big Bad Mama," "Chicks
00:03:15
with BICs," or
"Switchblade Sisters." But still, it's a fitting
title for our next story.
00:03:20
-Maybe for the first part. But keep watching as the ladies
lose more than their edge.
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It's tonight's edition of
"Something to Remember Me By." [music playing] -These, uh, two bandits
went to rob a local bank,
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uh, two females wearing wigs. [music playing] Uh, they exited the
bank, went outside.
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And a citizen watched them. He followed them down. They went, uh,
down several blocks
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and were gonna dump their stolen
car and get in their own car. When they got down
there, uh, the citizen
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approached them and
disarmed one of the females. [slide whistle] WILLIAM WADEWITZ: He
then gets the other gun
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away from the other
female robber. At this point, a-- a third
subject comes up out of nowhere
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and asks the citizen
to give him the gun, said he was gonna help him out. He hands the guns
over to this female.
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Turns out this female
was actually a robber. Uh, during their hasty
retreat to get away,
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they left their own
personal vehicle there , which was registered
to the female.
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In the car was two wig boxes,
purses with all their IDs, and everything that led to
the ultimate apprehension
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of these dumb criminals. -You know, in my
whole life, I've never looked at an
air conditioning
00:04:28
vent or an exhaust
duct and thought, gee, I bet I could slip
through there. [chuckling]
-Me neither.
00:04:33
-Oh, come on. No, what are you talking about? With-- with your
height, you could
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jog through one of those-- [laughing] ---and not even bump your head. -Daniel, you are not nice.
00:04:40
-No, well, Tom Cruise did-- [laughing]
---in "Misison Impossible." He's short. -Watch it.
00:04:44
I like him. -OK. -But at least you have better
sense than our next crook who did, in fact, try
to crawl through a duct.
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-And one more sad soul caught
in a bind with no way out. Take a look. [music playing]
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
When the staff came in to open this store, they
discovered they weren't alone.
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Sometime in the
night, an intruder had become one with
their ventilation system.
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-He wanted out. He wanted out. That was his ultimate thing,
just get me outta here.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Firemen obliged. But undoubtedly, getting out
was much harder than getting in.
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-Inside the duct, I
heard, uh, "Help me," and, uh, "Get me out
as quick as possible."
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That's all he was saying. And he was just doing
a lot of moaning. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
He claimed that he entered
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through this shaft to
get away from people who were chasing him. Maybe, maybe not.
00:05:31
But one thing's for sure. They didn't find him. -Well, it's a shame that, you
know, he tried to do that.
00:05:36
I mean, he got hurt. But, you know, you get
what you pay for, you know? [chuckling]
00:05:41
DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): At least the guy gets to shift to
the considerably comfier
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constraints of the
tight gurney straps. [music playing] ANNOUNCER: Hey, check
out another dumb law.
00:05:57
In New York, it's a misdemeanor
to arrest a dead man for debt. -Well, our next story
is about debt, sort of.
00:06:08
At the beginning of
the show, we hinted that we may have found the
son of Dracula, you know,
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the undead offspring
of an undead father. [laughing] Well, this story
isn't quite so creepy.
00:06:18
But it is rather peculiar. See what you think. It stakes its claim among
"America's Dumbest Excuses."
00:06:24
[music playing] -I see a car riding
all over the road. It was weaving bad. Pulled the car over.
00:06:33
And it's right
along the highway. It's at a Dunkin' Donuts. Uh, girl's crying hysterically
when I pull her over.
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And I said, well, you know,
you're driving really bad. You're obviously drunk. She said, oh, no, no,
my father just died.
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I just left the hospital. And she produces, uh,
one of those visitor passes from the hospital.
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And-- and I said,
well, what's that got to do with you drinking. Well, my father died.
00:06:56
And I was so upset, I went
back to the family's house. While sitting around,
I had a couple
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drinks to calm my nerves. I'm not drunk. I'm just upset. I said, OK, well,
you can't drive.
00:07:04
So she says-- I said, you
have to call for a ride. She doesn't have any
money for a phone call.
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I give her the money
for the phone call. I dial the phone for her. I hand her the phone
and said, call someone.
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She's talking to somebody, or
supposedly talking to somebody, tells them to come pick her up.
00:07:17
I just tell her,
don't drive the car. I leave. I'm sitting at the red light. She doesn't even
wait till I leave.
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She pulls out of the Dunkin'
Donuts with her lights out and proceeds to
drive up the highway.
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Pull her over again. I arrest her, take her and
the kid into the station, put her on a breathalyzer.
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She's drunk. And, uh, she made a phone call
for somebody to come get her. The man's in the
lobby to come get her.
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I have to go tell him, you
know, she's gonna leave. But you can't let her drive.
00:07:43
And asked him who he was. And he said, well,
I'm her late father. [laughing] -Ah, if he had called her
from the great beyond,
00:07:53
I wonder if that's a
long-distance call, Daniel. -Oh, yeah, you can bet that cost
you more than a dime a minute,
00:07:58
Debbie. But every once in a while,
we come across a story that isn't really about
dumb criminals.
00:08:04
It's more about dumb situations. Here's one about two
fifth graders in love. But when one gives the
other a peck on the mouth,
00:08:12
they end up in a
bushel of trouble. It's our kinder, gentler version
of a "Bluelight Special."
00:08:18
[music playing] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Another scandalous relationship hits the press.
00:08:26
And, no, it didn't take
place in the White House. It's Atlantis Elementary. David and Ashley, two
fifth-grade students,
00:08:32
were suspended for
a day because they were kissing in
the school hallway. And the two
lovebirds were barred
00:08:39
from going on a chorus
trip to Tallahassee. Later, the school board
reversed its decision
00:08:44
and allowed the
couple to go, but only if their parents would
chaperone the trip.
00:08:49
David, did you or did you not
have relations with that woman? Any comments? -I want everybody to stop
staring at me and stuff.
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I'm like-- DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): Ashley? -Let us go back to
Tallahassee, like,
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forget about the whole
thing, and just drop it. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
The student handbook
00:09:03
says that students who
engage in public affection may be suspended only
after being warned first.
00:09:09
-I said, you're making
it sound like my child and David has got some kind
of disease of some sort.
00:09:14
And you're displacing him
from the other children. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): In the end,
00:09:17
the kids did go on their trip. They're back in school. And all is well with the world.
00:09:29
-A little bit later, we're
gonna meet the Secret Agent Man of Suffolk County, New York.
00:09:33
But now with news from a guy who
puts the anchor in anchorman. Here's Daniel with
"ADC Headlines."
00:09:41
-I'm touched. Gosh. You know, motorcycle
helmets are generally considered valuable
safety devices.
00:09:49
But they weren't so good
at protecting the anonymity of this stick-up artist
at an Austin pizza parlor.
00:09:55
The robber hid his face
behind the headgear but apparently forgot
that both his nickname
00:10:01
and full legal name
were boldly emblazoned on the side of the helmet. Tommy, rail splitter, you know.
00:10:10
Here's a story of
a thief who was willing to work for his loot. A man was disappointed
with this take when
00:10:15
robbing a Topeka
convenience store. So he tied up the clerk
and worked the counter
00:10:19
himself for three hours
to increase his plunder. Sensing something
was not right, police
00:10:26
nabbed the guy before
he called it quits. I think he was
shortchanging people. I'm not sure.
00:10:31
A company in Arizona
called Guns for Hire stages gun fights for Western
movies and special events.
00:10:38
But they received a
request for an event that was not only special,
it was illegal.
00:10:43
A woman believing them to
be an association of hit men inquired about having
her husband killed.
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They turned her down
and then turned her in. So she won't be riding off
into the sunset anytime soon.
00:10:57
And that closes the file on
"ADC Headlines," news ripped-- [paper ripping] --from somewhere near the
back of your local newspaper.
00:11:03
Debbie. [laughing] -What happens when you mix
the fairytale of "Rapunzel" with the story of
Samson and Delilah?
00:11:12
You get the escapades of a
mixed-up man who was obsessed with the idea of cutting
off a woman's ponytail.
00:11:19
Watch this hairy, scary look
at a very strange crime. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): Do
you have any idea what this is?
00:11:26
No, it's not your
ordinary bag of hair. It's a severed ponytail chopped
from the head of Anita Rayner.
00:11:33
ANITA RAYNER: And she
just kept pulling on it and pulling on it. I thought she was just
trying to readjust
00:11:37
my ponytail or something. I didn't know she was
readjusting it in that fashion. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): The
culprit found his victims
00:11:42
by calling hair salons and
conning stylists into cutting off the ponytails of
innocent customers.
00:11:49
-We've kind of taught
the receptionist, he's just kind of
got a strange fetish. Hang up on the guy.
00:11:54
Um, we never thought anything
would actually come from it. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER):
Except a bag of hair or two.
00:11:59
After this hair-raising
experience, Anita filed a restraining order
against the ponytail bandit.
00:12:05
ANITA RAYNER: Something needs
to be done with this man. I mean, he-- he's out
on bail right now.
00:12:10
Is he making more phone
calls at his house? I mean, he should be
in jail right now.
00:12:14
DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER):
And how does Anita feel about this ponytail bandit? ANITA RAYNER: He's a weirdo.
00:12:18
He's sick. He has urges. [laughing] You know, who knows? What other kind of
urges does he have?
00:12:24
DEBBIE ALAN
(VOICEOVER): Mm, only his hairdresser knows for sure. But life goes on for Anita.
00:12:29
She still has her pride
and a big bag of hair. -OK, smoking pot is illegal. Driving under the
influence of anything that
00:12:41
turns your brain into
silly putty is stupid. But here's a fella who
just kept off the grass,
00:12:47
but he's getting ready
to be mowed down. It's a tidbit we
call, "I'm Where? You're Who?"
00:12:54
[music playing] -Well, recently,
while on patrol, I was in a two-man unit. And we pulled up to a red light
at Sahara and Maryland Parkway.
00:13:07
Uh, this white van
pulls up to my right. I casually glance to the
right, make eye contact
00:13:12
with the driver, He makes
eye contact with me. I think nothing of it. -The light turns green.
00:13:17
We start to drive away. And this guy is obviously
in some kind of hurry. JACK SNYDER: The van pulls
away at a high rate of speed.
00:13:23
[tires squealing] He peels out and takes off. I look over at my partner. I say, Joe, let's,
uh, follow this guy.
00:13:29
-He continues to accelerate. Speed limit's 45. I start following
him at his speed,
00:13:35
get up to 75 miles per hour. This gentleman's weaving
in and out of traffic. And I'm like, OK,
you know, I've got
00:13:41
enough probable cause
to stop you now. -The trooper hits
the red lights. -He just continues to go.
00:13:47
I follow him for about a half
mile with my lights and siren on behind him. JACK SNYDER: It's like
he doesn't see us,
00:13:51
or he doesn't wanna see us. [siren wailing] Finally, he pulls over. Uh, Joe exits the
police car and goes up
00:13:56
and makes contact to the driver. JOSEPH WINGARD: He was nervous
from the very beginning.
00:14:00
Started talking to him,
tell him why I stopped him. And while I'm talking to him,
I started to detect the, uh,
00:14:04
smell of marijuana. Why don't you do me a favor? Why don't you step out of the
car real quick for me. please?
00:14:09
So I get him out of the vehicle. I handcuff him. So I ask him, you know,
quite bluntly, sir,
00:14:14
is there any marijuana
in the vehicle? He looks at me, kind of with
a confused look on his face,
00:14:19
like he's kind of sh--
shocked that I asked. And says, well, you might
find a joint in the ashtray.
00:14:26
I glance down in the ashtray. And right there in plain
view is an-- is a joint. At that point, I ask him again.
00:14:32
Well, sir, now I'm gonna look in
the vehicle quite extensively. Am I gonna find any drugs in the
vehicle, other than that joint?
00:14:38
-Yes, sir. -OK. -He says, you got
anything else in the car? And he says, yeah, well, you
might find a pound of marijuana
00:14:44
in the center console. -I might find? You're not sure? JACK SNYDER: In fact,
that was the case.
00:14:50
He had just bought a
pound of marijuana. Well, I'm standing
back at the car looking face to
face with this guy.
00:14:56
And he's got this real
sad look on his face. And I kind of looked
at him and said,
00:15:01
that's why they call it dope. He looked at me and
just dropped his eyes. And that was it.
00:15:07
We thought it was kind of
funny that, uh, he would do that right in
front of a police car
00:15:11
and after looking at us. But I guess that short-term
memory loss, uh, was cut down
00:15:16
to about 20 seconds
in this case. -I'll admit, I'm
not always great about following directions.
00:15:26
And sometimes, I have a
tough time with a road map. But I have never, ever been
as confused as this guy.
00:15:31
See what I mean. -I work in San Diego. But I'm originally from Texas. And I lived in
Houston and several
00:15:38
of the suburbs between
Houston and Galveston. So one day, I come
up on this person
00:15:42
on the side of the
roadway who appears to be asleep behind the wheel. But the motor's running.
00:15:46
And they're just sitting there
with their hands on the wheel. And knock on the window,
and he stomps on the brake
00:15:49
and grabs the wheel
real quick when he realizes we're out there. Well, there's a real
strong odor of alcohol.
00:15:54
So I get him out of the car. And I start asking him questions
that we always ask people
00:15:57
that we suspect may be under
the influence of alcohol. And I say, well, where
were you drinking?
00:16:02
And he says, well,
a friend's house. Well, all of a sudden,
he starts giving me answers that he's in Houston.
00:16:06
I said, well, where do
you think you are now? And because we're under an
overpass where he can't really
00:16:10
see, he says, well, I
think I'm on southbound 45 somewhere between
Houston and Galveston.
00:16:15
So through a series
of questions, we narrow it down to
exactly what off ramp he's
00:16:18
on on the freeway between
Houston and Galveston, Texas. So I give him-- ask him a
few more questions, and then
00:16:23
eventually, you
know, decide he's under the influence of
alcohol and arrest him.
00:16:27
And I said, well, now I'm
sorry to tell you this, sir. But you're not in Houston.
00:16:30
You're in California. He said, yeah, right. Yeah, I'm in California, sure. And I says, well, you see the
patch on my shoulder here?
00:16:37
It says "California
Highway Patrol." And he says, yeah, sure,
uh-huh, I-- now I got it.
00:16:42
My Coast Guard buddies
put you up to this. You're not even really a
law enforcement officer.
00:16:46
I said, no, buddy. Not only am I a law
enforcement officer, but you're under arrest for
driving under the influence.
00:16:51
You're in California. Well, he didn't believe me. Well, I show him the
side of the patrol car.
00:16:54
It says "Highway Patrol" on it. I says, there's no
Highway Patrol in Texas. There's a Department
of Public Safety.
00:16:59
-Oh, this is a joke. PHIL KONSTANTIN:
That's what it says. What had happened
was he was being
00:17:02
shipped from
Galveston to Houston. He had driven straight
through, lost a lot of sleep
00:17:08
there, stopped over to
get, uh, several drinks, and completely forgot
what state he was in.
00:17:12
So we go to the jail. Well, he actually had to see
three separate deputies that said "San Diego County"
on their shoulders
00:17:18
before he even believed them. [music playing] -Do you remember the song
(SINGING) secret agent man?
00:17:34
Do you remember that? -Sing a little bit more. -(SINGING) Secret agent man. -Great tune.
-Do you remember it?
00:17:38
-Recorded by Johnny Rivers. I think it hit the top of the
charts in spring of about 1966.
00:17:41
-What? Who are you, Casey Kasem? [laughing] -What? -No, but working with you, it
just pays to be on my toes.
00:17:47
-Yeah, well, that's not gonna
make you that much taller. -Ah, I think you were talking
about "Secret Agent Man."
00:17:52
-Yes, yes, well, it seems that
our crook loved that song. But in a very strange
twist of fate,
00:17:57
that tune caused him to
expose his own secret. His story is a prime suspect
for "We're Not Making This Up."
00:18:05
[music playing] -One of the dumbest things
I ever saw a criminal do was about a year and a half ago.
00:18:10
I was on a surveillance on
a case, a credit card case. It was kind of a--
like a quiet location.
00:18:18
There wasn't much going
on, kind of bored. I cranked up the AM/FM radio. And I got one of the
local radio stations.
00:18:25
A guy got on the radio station. And he, um, made a request. He said, hi, uh, this
is Tomas Georgievich.
00:18:31
And I'm working as a
security guard right now. And, uh, I'm kinda
bored watching
00:18:35
the-- the janitors
clean up here. And I feel like I'm a secret
agent when I'm doing this.
00:18:38
Can, uh, you play
"Secret Agent." I said to myself,
Tomas Georgievich? Tomas Georgievich?
00:18:43
Thomas Georgievich?
Tomas Georgievich? He says, I know that name.
[ding] He said, one of
the guys is looking
00:18:47
to arrest Tomas Georgievich
for a bunch or warrants. He says, we've been
looking for Tomas
00:18:50
for a while, haven't
been able to find him. And that's gotta be him. So I went back to my office.
00:18:55
I got a picture. Went over to the
state office building. And there in a
security guard uniform
00:18:59
was Tomas Georgievich,
the guy we've been looking for for about six, seven months.
00:19:07
-Yeah, well, what are the
chances of that happening? -Definitely not as
great as the chance
00:19:12
that we'll be back
here next week. -Oh, I wouldn't miss it. And I hope you'll make
plans to be here, too.
00:19:16
-We've had fun tonight. But beneath the
laughter, there is a very serious point to be made.
00:19:20
Any crime is a dumb crime. -For goodness sake, for one
week, stay out of trouble, huh?
00:19:25
[laughing] -We also wanna commend
police officers like the ones
you've met tonight.
00:19:29
They do such a great job. And we wanna say thank you
for their tireless efforts.
00:19:33
-But now I think it's time for
us to retire for the evening. But don't fear. There's more dumb
to come next time.
00:19:39
-If you've got a lead on a story
or just can't wait till next week for more state-of-the-art
stupidity, visit our website--
00:19:45
---at www.dumbcrimes.com. -As always, we've
hoped that we've all learned from
others' mistakes.
00:19:52
-But if you haven't, we
just might see you next week on "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
00:19:56
-Goodbye. [theme music] MAN: Duh. [music playing]