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[intro music] NARRATOR: Tonight, on
America's Dumbest Criminals, meet two rookie
robbers who are just
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breaking into a
lifetime of crime. Get up close and personal with
a lady who hides a full length
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mink coat in her
full-size stretch pants. And witness a
liquor store robber whose plan is 100 proof stupid.
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See all their schemes
come uncorked right here, on America's Dumbest Criminals. [theme music playing]
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-Woo! -OK. -I love-- that is my
favorite part of the show. -Duuuh. -I know, I know it is.
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-Duh, I love that part. -Thank you for
joining us tonight. All right Debbie, I
got a question for you.
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-OK. -Have you ever used an alias? -Um, is that the same
thing as a stage name? -No, no, no.
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I know you're like the
Katie Couric of crime, now. OK? [debbie laughs] -I love her.
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Oh, does that make you
the Matt Lauer of law? -Well, yeah. I guess so. -We're messing with
the first family, here.
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We'd better not. -No. But a little later we're
going to be someone with more names
than a phone book.
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But first we're going
to learn a little about video camera operation. -Or more precisely, how not
to operate a video camera.
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-Well, yeah. Or more precisely, how not to
operate a video camera when you least want your words
and actions on tape.
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Witness for yourself. [theme music playing] -My partner and I were-- we just
decided to stop at a restaurant
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and have some-- a bite to eat. And we're pulling
into the restaurant and as we're pulling in,
we looked across the street
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and there's three or four kids. And they have set up
a ramp and they're riding their skateboard.
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And you can see that they've
also got a camera there. It appears that they're
taping their skateboarding.
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So we go inside to eat
and we're sitting down having a bite to eat and I
hear some screeching tires
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and I'm thinking,
what's going on outside? So I go out to the door. I'm standing in the doorway,
looking across the street,
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and I see a car
parked in an alleyway behind the good guy's store. And I see these
two guys get out,
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and one guy, you could tell
he's walking towards this group of skateboarders in kind of
a confrontational manner.
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What's this all about? And all of the sudden
I see this guy pick up a camera and some other object
and they run back to the car,
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get in the car, and take off. And I look to my
partner and I said, I don't think he just
gave those to him.
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So we run over our cars
and we take off after him. We ultimately find out that
they had approached these guys
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and robbed them of
their skateboards and their video camera. And during this entire process,
the entire traffic stop,
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their video camera was running. So the entire crime, everything
they had to say inside the car.
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You could hear the traffic
stop being initiated. Every thing was on camera. The primary suspect did
wind up going to prison.
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So at least the
suspect didn't escape. -The officer needs
a bigger shirt. I don't know.
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-Never film yourself
committing a crime, right? -No, no never. Our next crook was no
smooth operator, either.
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He tried to rob a church, OK? Which is just asking for
trouble of biblical proportions.
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-He didn't bring on
a plague of locusts but he was struck with a
curse of blinding stupidity.
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Here's this week's memento of
something to remember me by. [theme music playing]
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-I arrived at the
church in the morning and noticed one of
the doors was ajar. [camera shutter]
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-And I went over to check it
and it had been broken into. As I wandered through the church
building, over the parlor area,
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there was a cookie wrapper left. [camera shutter] -That's our older
people's class and I
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didn't figure they
probably left it. I called the police-- [camera shutter] -While I was talking to him,
our secretary had arrived.
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She noticed a light was
on in the ladies restroom. [camera shutter] -Which was kind of odd.
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And just as soon as she
opens the door, woah. A smell hit her, you know. And she thought, oh, man I've
got to go check this out,
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you know? So she went into the restroom,
looked into the commodes and there was, well, evidence.
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And right next to the
commode, apparently, as the man was uh,
taking care of business,
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the checkbook fell out
of his back pocket. [camera shutter] -Right next to the toilet.
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She got the checkbook,
brought it in to the officer, and it had all of this
identification and everything.
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Later on in the day, we were
interviewing for custodial help and we were waiting on
another person to show up.
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And so we're looking outside and
here comes a man in a ball cap. You know, kind of dressed down.
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[camera shutter] -So in the process
he kept asking me, do you have my checkbook?
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And of course I didn't want
to tell him that we did. And I didn't because the
police officer had it.
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We notified the
police after he left and they went over to
the convenience store
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and apprehended him. [camera shutter] [camera shutter] -Guess, you know, this guy
just wasn't very bright.
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To come back to the
scene of the crime and try to collect his
evidence that he left behind.
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I don't know, I would question
the intelligence of him. But anyway, that's the story.
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[applause] -That's a nice way
to say it, I question the intelligence of the guy.
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-Yeah, yeah. I always break into a church
to go to the restroom. Wouldn't you? All right, now
we're going to meet
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a group of teenage
doofuses or doofi who make Beevis and Butt-head
look like merit scholars.
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OK? Now we blurred the faces of
these dope-smoking delinquents because well, they
were so high, that's
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probably how they
looked to each other. So, since they're
narration really wasn't all that
interesting, I'll
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be playing the
parts of all boys. You can be the girls. DANIEL (VOICEOVER):
Hey dudes, lets
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make a video of every stupid
illegal thing we do today. Cool, man. Wow, like, lets cheese off
the animal rights people
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by playing pass the puppy. Dude, I have an idea. No way, you have an idea? Yeah, like, let's get the
dog as high as we are.
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Cool. Yeah. Since we've broken into
this dude's house, lets, like, destroy something.
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All right! OK, that's plenty of
stupidity for one day. DOG VOICE: Look who's
laughing now boys.
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Hehehe. -Wouldn't you love to
know what sparked the need for an ice cream
cone legislation.
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They probably have a 21 day
waiting period to buy something for Baskin Robbins,
there, you know?
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Well coming up next is
our blue light special. Featuring a woman of
many names and talents,
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and I'm not talking
about little Debbie. But first, consider this. When you're telling
a lie, it helps
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to have some clue what
you're talking about. Why? Because the person you're
talking to just might know more
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about the subject then you do. That's exactly what
happened in our next story. Witness what happens
when a dumb excuse
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is met by intelligent questions. [theme music] -On a routine traffic stop, it
turned into a consent search.
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The female passenger had
left her purse wide open so that I could see some
syringes in her purse.
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When I asked her if
those syringes were hers, she said, well, yes. I said, what do
you use them for.
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She said, well, I'm diabetic. I said OK. Well, do you take your insulin
shots in cc's or units?
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She stuttered and hesitated
for a minute said, uhh, units. I said, OK, well how much?
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Again she hesitated
and said, uhh, 30. [buzzer sounds] -Uh, well that was wrong answer.
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If she was able to take
30 of those-- or 30 units, she would have to
shoot herself 60 times
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to get her insulin shot. I told her that was probably
enough for an elephant, and that she was under arrest.
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DEBBIE: Ow! 60 times. She would be the
human pin cushion. OK. Would a Rose by any other
name smell as sweet?
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Probably so. But would a crook by another
name seem as innocent? Probably not. Join us in the courtroom as
we meet a shop lifter who
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has a fertile imagination and
a blossoming identity crisis. Here's tonight's
blue light special.
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[theme music playing] DEBBIE (VOICEOVER): Allow us
to introduce Theresa Burnett,
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and Ann Andrews, and Terry
Davis, and Karen Falls, and Betty Jarby, and
Tamra Giles, and the list
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keeps going. This lady, arrested
for retail fraud, came with a whole
army of aliases.
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46 were listed on her rap sheet. 74 if you count all the
derivative spellings. One version of this lady,
and I'm not sure which one,
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was caught doing a bad thing. Seems that store security
noticed that she made a $1,200
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mink coat do a disappearing
act into her stretch pants. -The report indicates that
she waddled our of the store.
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I can only imagine
what it looked like. DEBBIE (VOICEOVER):
The judge didn't buy her plea for leniency.
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So it looks like she'll
spend some time in jail. With 74 aliases, she'll
experience prison overcrowding
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even if she gets
solitary confinement. [cell door clanking] [APPLAUSE -And Daniel with
those glasses, do
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you think she could
also be Elvis? -Yeah, yeah. She may have eaten a few fried
banana sandwiches in her day.
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But I'm just thinking
about her husband, you know, honey,
did you gain weight? or is that a mink
coat down your pants?
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[laughter] -There's a whole mink
coat in her pants. But all right. But this I can say for sure.
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Not all criminals are cold,
calculating scoundrels. In fact, some of them are
quite capable of feeling
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the pain of another person. See how an undercover officer
tapped into a primal urge
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to pry a criminal from a privy. -I was off duty one day
and I heard on the radio
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an officer's call
for assistance. In the apprehension
of an individual who had a warrant
for his arrest,
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and as I was responding, I was
informed that he had headed into a community
hospital in our town.
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And we did a building search of
the hospital, could locate him. Except for one locked
door to the men's room.
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At that time we didn't
know if the suspect was armed and dangerous. And so we decided that, being
that I was in plainclothes,
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just off the street,
that I would pretend like I needed to
use the bathroom, And so we cleared the hall,
had the officers standing
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by the corners to pounce
on him when he came out. I knocked on the door. When I knocked I didn't
get an immediate answer.
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But I knocked
again, quite loudly. And he said, yes? And I said, I need to
go to the bathroom.
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Please, let me in. I need to go now. And he just creaked
the door open. And when he saw me
in my street clothes,
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he felt like I was just a
regular patron at the hospital. And so he opened the door and
after he took two steps out--
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SUSPECT: What's going on? OFFICER: Hold still. SUSPECT: This is bull [bleep]. Come on!
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-And that just goes to show
that when you've got to go, you got to go. And so he went-- to jail.
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[applause] -And now, here's the guy who put
the pomp in the circumstance. Here's Daniel with
ADC headlines.
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[theme music] -All right. Now, do you see any resemblance
between this $1 bill and this 20?
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Apparently a man in Baton Rouge
thought the dead presidents were dead ringers
for each other.
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He got the corners
from a real $20 Bill and pasted them onto a buck. And he tried, in vain, to
make a Louisiana purchase
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at a store with his funny money. Well federal judge John Parker
ridiculed the man, calling him
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quote, "The most inept
counterfeiter I ever heard of." Two good old boys drove
into Rainsville, Alabama
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to repossess a
vehicle, and ended up getting hauled away themselves,
when they asked directions
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from two local police officers. The lawman noticed the
duo's 100 proof breath. And a closer look revealed an
open gallon bottle of whiskey.
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Oh wait, and did I
mentioned the sawed off shotgun resting
between the seats? No.
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Well instead of
getting directions to their intended
destination, they were rerouted to the local jail.
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Now a minor fender bender in
Newbury County, South Carolina, escalated into violence
when the driver of one car
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shot one of the two
men in the other car. Witnesses picked up by discarded
porcelain potty on the property
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and pummeled the poop
out of two of the three problem purveying people. Police Chief Wright noted
that the assailants used
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the entire toilet,
not just the lid. And beat the crap out
of the two fellas. The shooter's mistake
was simple, though.
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According to Chief Wright,
yeah, said the law enforcement officer, he took a gun
to a commode fight.
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All right, and those are the ADC
headlines ripped from somewhere near the back of
your local newspaper.
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Debbie. [applause] -You are so bad. Well, you're familiar
with the concept of instructional videos, right?
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Well tonight we
offer you something a little bit different. Here is a destructional
video from a pair
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of would-be master burglars. For your enlightenment,
they've allowed their antics
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to be taped for our crash
course in how not to live. [theme music playing] DEBBIE (VOICEOVER):
The goals of a master
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burglar are as follows. One, steal quietly
into a victims domain. Or in this case, bang on
glass until it shatters.
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Two, avoid all
forms of detection. Or in this case, provide
a picture so good, that anyone in your
whole city could
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point you out of a lineup. Three, look debonair as
you make a smooth getaway. Or run like crazy with
a box under your arm.
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Maybe these guys
weren't master burglars. [laughter and applause] -I think even those
guys could teach
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our next robber a thing or two. The story you're about to
see follows the misadventures
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of a man who holds
up a liquor store. Now, he's not the
first guy to come up with such a bright idea.
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But he may be the
first to rob one in such a spectacularly
bad location. Check it out.
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-And I've got a
good one for you. There was a couple
guys came up from Ft. Lauderdale, decided to
do an armed robbery right
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across from the
police department. Directly in front of
our police department we have a small
sign that says Del
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Ray Beach Police Department. But they didn't see the sign. They went in and
held up the business.
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A delivery man comes
in during the robbery, runs across the street
and tells the police
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that the liquor store across
the street from the police department is being robbed.
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And the whole police department,
everybody off duty, everybody, ran across there and caught
these guys within seconds.
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And that's really dumb. -Dumb, dumb dumb, dumb, dumb
dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb. Well, the bicycle thief is a
famous French movie considered
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by some to be a
real work of art. The bicycle thief
in our next story, though, is just a
real piece of work.
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See if you think maybe
his mental kickstand isn't quite touching the ground. -I went on a call on
just a juvenile runway.
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So I ride up on my bike,
park out front of the house. Probably been in there
for about 10 minutes.
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And I come back out and
my bike's not there. So I'm looking around
for my bike thinking,
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oh, I know my buddies
took it, you know. And so I look around. Some little kid
runs up and says,
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are you looking for your bike? And he said I think
they went that way. So I ran down the street
trying to find the bike,
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And I find a male that
matches the description that the young kid gave me. And I find the bike
in the backyard.
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We question him, cuff him
up, throw him in the car. And I ask him why
he stole my bike.
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And he says, well, I
just really liked it. I said, didn't you read all
the police signatures on there,
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and names? He's all, no, I can't read. I thought a while and
said, well, maybe I
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should just read
you your rights. So I did, and then
I transported him to jail for stealing my bike.
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[applause] [applause] -OK, this week's edition
of We're Not Making This Up is filled with irony.
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-And the suspect is
full of something. But I don't think it's irony. -Irony? Ironing?
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-No, irony.
Irony. -Irony. OK. Meet a man who will
probably not be nominated for
father of the year.
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-Daniel, I'd like to
tell you about one of the dumbest criminals
I've ever seen.
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We received a child
support warrant for a guy that owed a
lot of child support. Several months ago, we went
out to serve this warrant,
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did a little investigating. We talked to one
of the neighbors and she agreed to call
us when he arrived home.
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When she called us, we went
to the address to arrest him, and he had a t-shirt on that
said the world's greatest dad.
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And I thought that was
one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. [laughter] [applause]
DEBBIE: That was a stupid thing.
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He didn't qualify
for that shirt. -No, no. But you'd think he
would've changed shirts
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if he'd known they were
coming by that day. -Uh, probably not. -Yeah, but they don't
have deadbeat dad.
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-No, they should. If you've got a lead
on a story or you just can't wait for
more state of the art
00:19:24
stupidity, or dumb
puns, or whatever. Visit our website at
www.dumbcrimes.com. -And want to thank
you for joining us,
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and extend our gratitude
to the law enforcement officers who make
this show possible.
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Every day they live
their lives on the line to keep us safe
from the stupidity of would-be criminals.
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-As always, we hope
that we have all learned from others' mistakes. -But if you haven't, we
just might see you next week
00:19:49
on America's Dumbest Criminals. [applause] -Goodbye. [outro music]