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[theme music] -Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:00:16
[glass breaking] [tires skidding] [tires screeching] NARRATOR: On this episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals,"
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a hemped-up hoodlum
in "Helping Hands." A roving rover in "Walked
Dog, Curbed Brain."
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A crooked cruiser
in "Chasing Lamey." A resourceful rascal
in "Shorts of Breath."
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All this and more, coming up on
"America's Dumbest Criminals." Here's your host, Daniel Butler.
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-Our next surveillance tape
shows how man's best friend helped nab a sharpshooting
schmuck in Philadelphia.
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The officers had located
a known drug dealer and surrounded his home. However, he didn't
want to leave,
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and decided to fire
at them, and then barricaded himself
inside for two days. Officers evacuated
the homes around him
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and then patiently waited
for the man to come out. [dog barking] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Unfortunately, the dealer's dog
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couldn't wait any
longer, and had to be taken out to
do some business. You can see the man casually
come out to walk his dog,
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then realize just how many
officers were waiting for him-- OFFICER 1 (ON RADIO):
There they go.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--just a little too late. The man was caught as his
barking buddy stood by quietly
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watching, as his
master finished taking care of his own business. [music playing]
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-If you truly are what you
eat, then this next bozo is, to put it
mildly, a pantywaist.
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A Canadian man was picked up
by an officer and his partner on suspicion of drunk driving.
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Then he started acting
very erratically-- OFFICER 2: Let's hurry up
and get to the station.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--leading the officers-- OFFICER 2: I want to book him.
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DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --to believe the man was concealing drugs. A search at the station later--
NARRATOR: Yeah.
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DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): --disproved that theory, and
the man admitted that he had been
eating his underwear.
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Asked why he would dine on such
forbidden fruits of the loom-- OFFICER 2: What are you doing?
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--the cotton-eating stripper had a great answer. OFFICER 2: Hey,
what are you doing?
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What? -Trying to absorb the alcohol. -What? -Believe it or not, the man
was acquitted of the charges,
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but he says the experience still
left a bad taste in his mouth. [music playing] -ADC's digital dummies of
cybercrime, number 179.
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Karl Flusche is an investigator
specializing in computer crime and evidence of other crimes
that may be found on computer.
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In this story, Karl
stumbles onto a cyber simp who believed in
plenty of backup.
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-We had a case, or [inaudible]
I had a case of this guy at a, uh-- at a remote, uh,
a military site, uh,
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accused of being
a, uh, drug dealer. OK, uh, low-- low-- low level,
but still a drug dealer.
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Uh, the agents, uh, did
a raid of his place. They found this computer. They seized the computer,
brought it back in,
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wanted someone to analyze it. So I came in, did
analysis of it, and this was-- uh, he stored
everything, not on floppy disk.
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He had a-- a data set, a
tape recorder basically, and a tape, uh-- tape cassette
that he stored the data on.
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What I found on there was
he had a listing of all of his customers by name,
address, and, uh, what, uh,
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dope they liked, and when gave
it to 'em, and everything else, all on this data set.
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So we were able to come up with
about 57 names of, uh, people that he dealt, uh,
dealt drugs to.
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He thought he was
being pretty smart. Well, he was, but, uh, it
worked out great for us.
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-That's one digital doper
headed for a hard drive in stir. [music playing] -When stopped by
the police, it's
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always wise to be as cooperative
and pleasant as possible. This particular
dumb criminal went
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way beyond the call of duty. [siren] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
An Arizona officer
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trailed the reckless
driver and pulled him over. The drunk driver
was very helpful
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as he attempted to
look for his license, and pulled out a
handful of items. He asked the officer if he would
mind holding some of his stuff
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while he kept looking. The officer said,
sure, and he carefully separated the bags of
pot from the pills,
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and waited patiently
for the hapless suspect to find his license. The goon was very excited
when he found his license
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and handed it to the officer,
who politely put the suspect under arrest for
DWI and possession
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of the numerous narcotics
that he had been asked to hold by
the friendly fool. [music playing]
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-Most people, when stopped by
the police, protest innocence. Officer, what was I stopped for?
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You must be mistaken. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Well, this motorcycle moron
already knew he was wrong.
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He had done the
crime, done the time, and then started all over again. -A couple nights ago, I
was driving down I-30,
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and I noticed the
motorcycle in front of me, the registration
expired over a year ago.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
He approached the biker, and was presented with no
excuse, no explanation.
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BERNIE LAWRENCE (VOICEOVER):
Soon as he pulled over, got off his motorcycle,
threw his hands up.
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I'm not going back to jail. I'm telling you, I'm
not going to jail. I'm saying, sir,
calm down, calm down.
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You know, I didn't say
anything about you, you know, going to jail. Stopped you 'cause
your tags are expired.
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And he says, I just
got out of jail. I just left the jail, and
I don't want to go back.
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So I asked him, said,
what'd you go to jail for? And he said, well, my
license is suspended.
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So of course, his driver's
license is suspended. I-- I arrested him again, and
he went right back to jail.
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DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): Ah, freedom. If only for an hour. NARRATOR: And now,
Crimes of the Weak,
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with Daniel Butler
and Beaumont Bacon. -I'm Daniel Butler, and this
is the alluring and appealing
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Beaumont Bacon. -Thank you, Daniel. That's very sweet. It's very Southern
of you to say that.
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Thank you. -Well, how about this guy
from Columbia, South Carolina? He was under suspicion of
illegal drug trafficking,
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and had been set
up to make a deal in a local fast
food parking lot. However, when he
suddenly realized
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that he was negotiating
with officers, he rammed their
vehicles and sped off. -So much for
Southern hospitality.
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-Exactly. Things seemed to be working
out for him, though, until he hit a phone
pole, overturned his car,
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and then tried to flee on foot. -You can't keep a
dumb criminal down. -Nor out of custody.
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-Nope. -He quickly scaled a
nearby chain-link fence and dropped right down into
the county police compound.
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-Well, that was just gosh-darn
nice of him, wasn't it? -Yeah, it was. Yeah. -Maybe he made, uh, friends
with our next moron here.
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He was serving a
sentence for shoplifting and had been placed in
a work release program,
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and assigned to community
service with the county parks. -Uh, doing something
productive, like
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shoplifting some of the
garbage off the ground and stashing it in a dumpster. -Well, see, that-- that
would have been productive,
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and-- and he was
actually more productive. He managed to spend a lot
of this time servicing
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a thriving patch of
21 marijuana plants that he had personally
cultivated in a nearby field.
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That field happened
to be about 150 yards from the police station. -Dumb. -Big time.
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-Yeah. Well, let's take a look at
this backyard bozo, whom we've nominated as the
Vidiot of the Week.
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Now, we all have
those nights when we just don't feel like cooking. BEAUMONT BACON: No.
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-So we hop in the car and
search for some food to go. However, for dumb
criminals, this
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can take on a whole new meaning. -Steal a meal. -Exactly. Yeah. A South Dakota punk
had a hankering
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for a couple of
big, juicy steaks. Giving the premise of
pot luck a new meaning,
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he decided to stop
by someone's home and grab their entire barbecue,
with the steaks still cooking.
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-Well, uh, that
saves time, though. -Yeah. Yeah, I guess, but a
neighbor called the police,
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who didn't have much trouble
finding the meathead. Seems that a few
miles down the road,
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his car burst into flames,
and the fire department had to be called to put it out.
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The local police, of course,
grilled the suspect-- -Ooh. - --and then gave
Starvin' Marvin a lift
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into the back of
their squad car. -Well, it just goes to show
you, you can't steal your steak
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and eat it too. -Not in a trunk. -No. [music playing] -Criminals are used
to hearing, "You have
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the right to an attorney, or
one will be appointed for you." But this dumb criminal
decided to take the law
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into his own hands, and
ended up strangling himself. Our determined Dumbo had
broken into a local courthouse
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and stolen a variety
of office items. When he was caught,
he denied it, and wanted to represent
himself in court.
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Uh-oh. The lawyer asked the court clerk
if she had locked all the doors and windows that night,
and she said she had.
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-OK. And were the windows open? -No. They were not. -OK. -Then Scary Mason
stepped up to cross
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examine her with a
smile on his face. -All those windows were locked? -Yes. -Then how do you explain I
came through that window?
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It was unlocked. -He didn't get to use
his closing arguments, since he had just placed himself
at the scene of the crime.
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Our legal eagle had
his wings clipped and was assigned to a secure
cage just down the hall.
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[music playing] -What makes a dumb
crime really dumb? Well, a really
stupid getaway helps.
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Check out this getaway gaffe. These two clowns
broke into a business, but couldn't break
into the safe,
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so they took the safe with them. That is, they tried. Unfortunately for
these two bozos,
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the safe was too big to
fit inside their trunk. Luckily, they had
a great defense.
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Who, me? What safe? Oh, how did that safe
get into my trunk? Boy, it's a good thing the
officer spotted that stray
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safe, or it might have
followed them all the way home. Kids, are you looking for a job?
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Here are a few helpful tips
for your job interview. Dress neatly, offer
a firm handshake,
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and don't steal your
potential employer's bicycle. The order of a video store
in Valencia, California,
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had just taken an application
from a guy who proceeded to leave the store with
the owner's bicycle.
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However, he didn't realize that
his crime was caught on tape from inside and
outside the store.
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I mean, it was a video store. With his application on file,
with his correct address
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and personal information
intact, the police had no problem locating our
little hot-wheeled hoodlum.
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Ha, ha. [music playing] -These two gourmet goof heads
were feeling a little hungry,
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so they ordered a
pizza to be delivered to-- where else--
their own apartment. When the delivery
guy arrived, they
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waited for him to
give up knocking, and as he turned to
leave, they jumped him, taking the pizza and some cash.
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[doorbell] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
The police were notified, and all they had to do was go to
the address on the order form.
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-Yeah.
What's the problem? -Can you step outside? I'd like to talk to you. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
With pizza shoved fully
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into their pie holes,
the jerks were pulled out of their apartment and into
a waiting police cruiser--
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-Don't you need some
evidence? [inaudible] -We have the
evidence right there. It's the pizza.
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- --and delivered quickly to the
station in 30 minutes or less. [music playing] -You know, it's one thing
to save money on disguises,
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but these guys went
to the extreme. In an effort to bring
up their net profit, our heroes covered their
faces with one hand
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while attempting a
series of robberies in their own neighborhood. But a woman quickly saw
through their little scheme--
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-[shouting] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
--recognizing one of the boys from her neighborhood.
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The woman was able to give the
police a perfect description and address of the
peek-a-boo robbers.
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The guys were soon
"handed" over to the police and "slapped" with
some jail time.
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[music playing] -You know, there
aren't many things in this life that are free. But when we come
across them, it's
00:11:55
human nature to take
advantage of them. And for this dumb
criminal, it turned out
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to cost him a bit
more than he thought. After dropping off a
criminal for booking,
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two officers relaxed by their
car and took a little break. They noticed a shady
guy approaching,
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and decided to have a
little fun with him. -How you doing, sir? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): They
called the guy over and told
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them that they were
providing free warrant checks for people that day. -A warrant check?
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-Yeah. DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): All the I had to do was give them
his driver's license,
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and they would run it and
let them know if he had any outstanding warrants,
absolutely free.
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-OK, well-- DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): The guy seemed to think this was a great
idea, and handed over his ID.
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One officer went
to run the check, while the other stayed
and talked with the chump.
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It turned out that
the guy did, in fact, have a parole violation
warrant, so they arrested him.
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-Is this another test? -It's a test. Actually, you passed. -However, they assured
the perplexed perp
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that they plan to
keep their word. They still weren't
going to charge him anything for running
the warrant check.
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[music playing] -Millions of people
across the nation are familiar with the
heartbreaking phrase,
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"the computer's down." But there's only a handful of
high-tech, low brain crooks
00:13:11
who have been brought down
physically by a computer. Here's a file on
how one dummy got
00:13:16
downloaded straight to jail. In Vancouver, British
Columbia, an officer was involved in a foot
pursuit with a man who'd
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been attempting to
steal a computer. The hard-driving hood
got a good head start,
00:13:28
and might have gotten away,
but just then the officer got some timely
technical support.
00:13:33
The thief was tripped up
by the computer's mouse, and quickly captured
and arrested.
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-I hate computer
crashes, don't you? -As we say here at ADC,
crime does not compute.
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Kids, if you don't go to
school, you won't get smarter, and if you don't
get smarter, you
00:13:50
might just wind up on this show. Like these kids from Hawaii, who
hopefully learned their lesson,
00:13:55
and won't be making an encore. An officer on the Honolulu
PD was sent to a field where
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some students were
playing hooky. When they spotted the
lawman, the truant team started to run away.
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The officer realized that he
wouldn't win a foot pursuit. -Hey. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): So
he sent in the hounds, sort of.
00:14:12
-S-- stop, or I'll
send the dogs. Stay Bear, stop! Hey, bud, they're
coming your way.
00:14:17
Get the dogs ready. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Of course, the no-class kids fell for the old
invisible dog trick,
00:14:23
and were taken into
canine-less custody. Hopefully they learned their
lesson, will remain obedient,
00:14:29
and go to school. [music playing] -Balancing your checkbook can
be a frustrating experience
00:14:36
if you don't keep
all your records. This dumb criminal
forgot about one check, and bounced himself
right into the slammer.
00:14:43
One Sunday afternoon, in
Baton Rouge, Louisiana, a cheesy guy walked
into a local pizza joint
00:14:48
and started grilling the clerk
about different selections. Then this pepperoni perpetrator
wrote a note that said, give me
00:14:55
the money or I'll shoot
you, and handed it to the clerk, who
quickly complied. The knucklehead fled the
scene, ditching his shirt,
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thinking it would make it harder
for the police to identify him. But they didn't need his
shirt, because he had written
00:15:09
the holdup note on one of
his own personal checks. They had his name, address,
and phone number printed right
00:15:16
on the front, just like
the numbers he has printed on the front of his
prison uniform now.
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[music playing] -High-speed chases are
a nuisance to the police and, obviously, to
really dumb criminals,
00:15:30
as you'll see in this footage
from Talladega, Alabama. [siren] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
An officer and his supervisor
00:15:35
had been pursuing a car
for over eight minutes, at speeds exceeding
90 miles per hour.
00:15:40
As the cars turned a
corner, the officer in front initiates a rolling roadblock
to slow the dimwit driver down.
00:15:46
This obviously
frustrates our pedal to the metal moron, who motions
to the car in front of him
00:15:51
to move, as if to say,
get out of my way. Can't you see the
cops are chasing me?
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The defeated dodo
finally stops the car and gives up, proving
once and for all that his arm was not as strong
as the long arm of the law.
00:16:05
[theme music] -A smart crime is hard
to find, but there's no shortage of dumb criminals.
00:16:15
See you next week, on
"America's Dumbest Criminals." NARRATOR: On the next episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals,"
00:16:22
taggers get lights,
camera, busted. -Gimme the money. -Hey. NARRATOR: A gutsy gal tries--
00:16:30
-Gimme the money. NARRATOR: --applying herself. -This was really stupid. NARRATOR: A crook
gets all dressed up.
00:16:37
[siren] NARRATOR: And you want
butter on your fingers? -Eh, you want to buy some crack?
00:16:44
NARRATOR: The laughs just keep
coming on the next episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
00:16:50
-Um, one of the cases I
had in, um, in San Antonio, um, uh, at the Air Force
military personnel center,
00:16:56
uh, there at, uh,
Randolph Air Force Base, uh, every now and then, it was
getting hit by these hackers
00:17:02
trying to break in, to try
to see what type of records they could get, or anything.
00:17:05
And we had a pretty
good, uh, system in place there that
prevented that. Uh, they called
me in one day when
00:17:10
they had a pretty
persistent hacker who kept trying to get in. He was calling on
the, uh, voice line
00:17:15
and trying to, uh, talk
the operator-- what we call social engineering-- trying to
talk the operator of the system
00:17:21
to, uh, bypass the controls and
allow him to dial in directly. He was trying all sorts
of different lines on her,
00:17:27
and things like that. Uh, and, uh, she called, uh,
us in, and when I realized what
00:17:31
was going on, I also called
in, uh, an FBI agent, and we started setting up
some monitoring procedures.
00:17:37
One of things that we
did was we set up a, uh, data scope line analyzer
into the, um-- into the path
00:17:43
that it was going
across so we could see every keystroke he would
type on his computer.
00:17:48
We were recording that, so
we had some good information to show how he's getting in,
and what he was trying to do,
00:17:53
and build up some
good information. During some of this, he
called up the operator
00:17:58
while we are there, and, uh, so
the FBI agent and I both, uh, you know, kind of fed
her notes and everything.
00:18:04
Keep the guy on the
line, uh, you know, uh, have him, uh, describe
for you what he's done
00:18:10
and how he's doing, and,
uh-- things like that. Just try to get
some information.
00:18:13
Maybe he'll incriminate himself. Um, and, uh, what was
interesting on this was at, uh,
00:18:18
one part, uh, we, uh,
had her to ask him, aren't you afraid of, uh-- of,
uh, the police, or the FBI,
00:18:25
uh, you know, finding
out about you? 'Cause he'd been bragging
about all these systems
00:18:29
he had broken
into, and all these files he had, uh,
stolen and downloaded, and credit cards
and everything else.
00:18:34
And the guy sitting back to
her, um, uh, or-- or-- or talked back to her,
rather-- that, uh, no,
00:18:41
he wasn't, uh-- wasn't
afraid, because he kept all of the files that he needed to
do this and all the information
00:18:47
on just a few
floppy disks, and he kept them, uh, in a hole
in the wall behind his bed,
00:18:53
behind the-- the headstand. So the FBI ever came to
investigate or something, they wouldn't find it there.
00:19:00
And he's saying this,
and the FBI agent and I are-- are
right there, both looking like, OK, we
know where to look now.