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[music playing] -Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
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[music playing] NARRATOR: On this episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals." A dumb driver hands over
more than his license.
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-That's mine. Give that back. NARRATOR: A pair of newlyweds
get a gift they won't forget.
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A couple of rookie robbers
make a bad first impression. -Freeze! This is a bank robbery!
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-No, it isn't. NARRATOR: Thank you. Come again. And officers discover that
catching two dumb criminals
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is better than one. All this and more on
this week's episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
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Here's your host Daniel Butler. -Here's a crook that
took the saying, go jump in the lake literally.
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A car thief in Los
Angeles decided that the best way to
hide from the police would be to run from the stolen
car and hide in a nearby lake.
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Just bobbing around
with all his empty had to use as a
flotation device. Well, I guess he didn't take
into consideration that a lake
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is surrounded by land, which is
surrounded by police, which is being illuminated by
a helicopter that is
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over the land, which holds
the police, who surround the water that contains the man.
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I know an old lady who
swallowed a fly, well, you get the picture. [cartoon sound effects]
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This Houston police department
sergeant was stunned one night at the illogical mind
of a dumb criminal.
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The officer was pursuing a drug
dealer in a high speed chase when the doper finally gave up
near a strip mall parking lot.
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-He's driving like a maniac. He's gonna kill somebody. He's gonna lose it. -[inaudible].
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It's a code four
on a narco suspect. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): As
another officer was cuffing
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the suspect, everyone
heard the loud crash of shattering glass nearby. That's when the officer noticed
a man running out of a clothing
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store with an armful of clothes. -[inaudible] 211 suspect. Give me your hand. Give me your hand.
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[inaudible] Give me the other hand. Why you running? Huh? -Man, I didn't do anything?
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-Why you running? Didn't you hear the sirens? -[inaudible]. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
The man was caught red-handed
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and when questioned by the
police as to why he would commit a crime in
the middle of a bust,
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the crook replied
I thought you'd be too busy with that
other guy to notice me. He doesn't need to worry
about that with us.
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We always make time for
another dumb criminal. [music playing] When an officer pulls over
a dumb criminal in traffic
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whatever the officer
initially noticed is usually just the
tip of the iceberg, as the next story proves.
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Deputy Gary Worley
noticed a car speeding, but he got much more
than he ever expected.
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-So we're on the
east freeway, where we like to spend
most of our time, and this little red
Mitsubishi 240 blows by us.
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I mean, just down
the service road. No front plate, seat belt. And we stop the car.
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I walk up, roll the window down. [sniffs] Woah, bud, Mexican
forest fire burning in his car.
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Girl, come on out. [laughing from behind camera] Wooh. Get her out. And then it's like a rolling
advertisement for Weed Is Us.
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And where the girl was sitting
was a little four by six tin, little metal box
with a removable lid.
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I pick it up, shake it. Yeah, I know what this is. Seeds and stems. Open it up and
there's seeds, stems,
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and a little bit of
marijuana and some papers. Well, the male that Charlie's
talking to breaks down
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and it's, he's crying. On the side of the
freeway, he's crying tears just like turned the faucet on.
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And Charlie asked him, man,
you wanna talk to my partner. Yeah, I wanna talk
to your partner.
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Please help, oh god. So I walk back. I'm holding this
tin of marijuana. And that's all I've
got, just the tin.
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I said, but what's wrong? All the dope's mine, mine. She didn't know
anything about it.
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This? It's, it's all mine, man. She didn't know
anything about it. I said, look.
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What, this? He looks at me and
goes, no, stupid! The three pounds
under the back seat.
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[LAUGHING FROM BEHIND THE
CAMERA] -Imagine that you've
just escaped from prison
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and you're on the
highway all alone and you need to get in
touch with a friend. And there it is, a payphone.
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Help at last. Now if you could just
remember that phone number. Our confused con
spotted a phone,
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but couldn't remember
his friend's number so he tried to call information. However, he mistakenly dialed
9-1-1 instead of 4-1-1.
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After he hung up
the police were sent to check the 9-1-1 interruption
and found our frantic felon
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in his prison
clothes still waiting by the phone for a friend. -Oh, this? I got it at the flee market.
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-Oh yeah? Looks kind familiar to me. Oh. [inaudible]. -Looks like, looks
like old McDonald
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ran away from the farm. -No, [inaudible]. -Turn around. Put your hands on the
back of your head.
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-[inaudible]. -The officers were kind
enough to give our surprised suspect a ride back to his cell.
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It's what friends are for. [music playing] It's always so
difficult to decide on what to give as a wedding
gift to a newlywed couple.
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A toaster, towels, bail money? A young couple had come
down to the courthouse to get married one afternoon.
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They had the normal wedding day
nerves, especially the groom. You see an officer
at the courthouse
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recognized the husband-to-be
on the security monitor as someone who had a warrant
out for numerous unpaid fines.
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So after the blessed
union took place, the officer showed up
to congratulate the man
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and gave him a stunning pair
of silver bracelets to wear. The gift that really
says, you're under arrest.
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I'm Daniel Butler and this is
the eloquent and effervescent Beaumont Bacon. -Well hello, Daniel.
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Thank you very much. -[inaudible]. -This first story I'm
telling you, it is a hoot.
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In Pierson, Florida
a guy cased out the lobby of what he
thought was a bank. However, when he
finally got up the nerve
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to hand the clerk his holdup
note, she looked at him and said, this, this
is City Hall, sir.
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We have no money here. See? See for yourself,
nothing in the drawer. -Well, then give me all your
parking permits or something.
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-Something. He immediately ran
out of the building not noticing that the
bank he meant to rob
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was actually on the other
side of the same hallway. It was only a few feet
away. [inaudible].
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-Well, this guy didn't
have that problem. He tried to rob the same bank
twice wearing the same clothes
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that he had worn for
the previous attempt, as well as for a couple of
other banks in the area.
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He never wore a mask, just
the same striped shirt, the same baseball cap,
and the same pants.
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-Same look on his
face every time. -Probably. -Maybe it was his lucky
little hold up get up
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-Well, yeah. -Hootenanny outfit. -Needless to say, the
teller recognized him and alerted police, who quickly
picked him up on his way
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to another bank up the street. -Creature of habit. -I guess. -Which brings us to the
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TOGETHER: Vidiot of the Week. -Our favorite
story from the week out of all the stories
we received so far
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-Mhmm. -Here it is. A prisoner at the government
city jail in Dallas decided that he had come
up with the perfect plan
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to get out of jail. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Not committing more crimes? BEAUMONT BACON
(VOICEOVER): Hardly.
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He managed to get a hold
of some civilian clothes and on visitors' day he quickly
changed and tried to blend in
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with the other visitors
as they were leaving. However, when he got to
the locked guard gate
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he yelled out the
word that he heard officers do to request access. The guard quickly recognized
that the con was trying
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to con him and
immediately escorted the guy back to his cell. -Hey, I bet he knew the proper
password for that door, huh?
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-Yeah. Duh. [laughs] [cartoon sound effects] -If you are a dumb criminal and
you think that someone has just
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sold you some bad
drugs, what do you do? A, find your dealer and
ask for a refund, B,
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write it off as a loss
and forget about it, or C, call the police and
file a complaint.
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We don't call them
dumb for nothing. Seems our blonde bombshell
felt like she had been sold
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some bad cocaine
rocks for $50 and she wanted the cops to
verify it for her. When they arrived she
showed them the drugs
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and said that they
tasted like baking soda. Well, when the officers
tested the drug
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he found out that
it was in fact real. And arrested of the
perplexed pinhead for possession of cocaine.
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Now she's letting her fingers
do the walking behind bars. [music playing] If our show gave out
awards for stupidity
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this guy would win
dumbest plan of the year. Now, it's idiotic
enough to try and steal
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a car from an officer, but
to do it in the parking lot of the sheriff's
station in broad daylight?
00:10:04
A shift sergeant was
getting out of her car at the Sheriff's station
in Glendale, Arizona
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when she was surprised by
a man who wanted something. Her car. She assumed that he
was joking and said,
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so do I. Then he said,
no, I'm taking your car. And that's when she
detained the cook
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and escorted him
off the property. However, the dullard ran back
in and headed for her car
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again, but instead
ran into the open arms of another officer who
had run out to assist.
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They soon found out that this
guy had just been released from jail 20 minutes earlier
for criminal trespassing.
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I guess he just missed the food. Mm mm. This next dimwit was
pulled over for not
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having his headlights on. And then proceeded
to shed some light on the culprit in five
major crimes himself.
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In Amherst New York
a guy was stopped for a headlight infraction
and fully complied
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with the Lieutenant, handing
him license, his registration, and a little something extra.
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-Sir, what is this? -What? That's mine! Give that back to me. -No, I'll hold onto this.
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DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): The loser had mistakenly turned over
the actual holdup note he
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and a partner had
used in robbing four banks and one restaurant. The Greenpeace goon saved a
tree by not burning his notes
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after each robbery and
managed to plant himself and his partner into the
county criminal preservation
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society for a good long time. [music playing] If you thought the Keystone
Kops traded in their night
00:11:40
sticks for the
ultimate in slapstick, wait till you see
the real life mishaps of this pair of Canadian crooks.
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Planning on pulling
a small bank job, the duo had become a
well-oiled machine. Every movement was synchronized.
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And once their
plan was in motion, nothing could stop
their madcap momentum. -Freeze!
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This is a bank robbery. -No, it isn't. -What? -This is a sewing center. If you were two doors down,
that would be a bank robbery.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
And If she hadn't made a little phone call, they
might have gotten away with it.
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The police brought an abrupt
end to the committed caper with a little
slapstick of their own,
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slapping the cuffs
on the clumsy clowns and sticking them in jail. [music playing]
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We've done a lot of
prison breakout stories, but I think it's time for
a prison break in story.
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Officers in Louisiana
we're involved in a 90 mile per hour car chase. After a series of
running red lights,
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right turns, left
turns, they finally took a long turn down
a dead end street. But the officers didn't
have to finish their chase
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because the deranged driver
and his slippery sidekick sped to the end of the
street and crashed right
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through the front gates of the
East Baton Rouge Parish Prison. [car crashing] Needless to say, their driving
privileges were revoked
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and their personal space was
greatly reduced for many years to come. [music playing]
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Getting a positive ID is
one of the hardest things to establish after a
crime, but sometimes you
00:13:23
get help from some very
unexpected sources. A Las Vegas police officer
was investigating a burglary
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and brought the victim
to identify the two young men caught
running from the scene.
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It didn't look good for a moment
when the lady said she didn't think they were the ones, but
that's when the officer decided
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to turn the tables
and ask the suspect. -Hey guys, is the lady that
you saw out there earlier?
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-Yeah, that's the one
who was in the window. -No, man! [inaudible]. -Yeah, I think that is him.
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-OK. -See? If everyone would
just work together like these two the
world would certainly
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be a much happier place
to live, don't you think? Officers had tracked down
a guy who had a warrant out
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for failing to appear in court. They tracked him to
his girlfriend's house where he was allegedly staying.
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-Yes? -Hello, ma'am. We're looking for
your boyfriend. -Uh, haven't seen
him for a few days.
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DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): They
talk to her for a few minutes and she said that
he wasn't there.
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And that she had no
idea where he was. So they left, sort of. They outwitted the girlfriend
by calling under a fake name
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and asking for the suspect. When she said she'd get him,
they returned to the house.
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But when they
conducted their search, they still came up empty until
they are the noise upstairs.
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They went into a bedroom
and noticed a pair of hands clutching the window
sill from the outside.
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-Looks like we got
somebody hanging around. [laughs] DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): The suspect
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panicked and let go, falling
two stories down to the ground below. [groaning] The man broke both
ankles and was arrested.
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And by the way, there
is no truth to the rumor that he now works
as an air traffic
00:15:10
controller clearing
people for landings. [music playing] Being able to run fast and
jump high are great attributes,
00:15:21
but they rarely make up
for a lack of brains, as this crook soon discovered. The chase started after
a theft at a convenience
00:15:29
store near Andrews
Air Force Base. Trying to escape the police,
the thief abandoned his car
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and jumped over the fence and
into the base where he managed to elude helicopters
and motor patrols.
00:15:41
But it was all for nothing
because in his hurry he had left his stash and
wallet inside the car.
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-Hey, officers, what's going on? -Recognize the picture
on this driver's license?
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-[inaudible]. -You left it in the car
you stole, you dummy. -Put your hands behind you.
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-When the good lord
was handing out brains, this guy must've
thought he said canes.
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And said, that he could walk
fine without one, thanks. [music playing] On this next real
surveillance tape
00:16:15
you see our guy
casually looking around at a variety of electronics. He seems to be searching for a
particular style of typewriter
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as it goes from one to another. Then he turns and
decides to simply pick up two boxed typewriters and
move them out of his way.
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And right out of the store. As he casually walks
towards the exit, security quickly
catches up with him
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and insist on helping
him with his heavy load. Maybe he should have insisted
on carrying them himself.
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You know, dumb criminals
weren't born this way. They've had to work years
to lose enough brain cells
00:16:53
to fully qualify as one of
America's Dumbest Criminals. We'll see you next week.
00:16:58
[music playing] -[inaudible]. That's not mine. That's not mine. NARRATOR: On the next
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
00:17:04
A soggy suspect leaves a
trickling trail for that cops. A shifty shopper checks out
with more than his receipt.
00:17:14
A casual crook makes
a fashion faux pa. A man shoots mental blanks. -What the [bleep]
were you thinking?
00:17:23
NARRATOR: The laughs just keep
coming on the next episode of "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
00:17:27
[cartoon sound effects] -Charlie and I stopped the
car on the East Freeway. No seat belt and I think
it was defective equipment,
00:17:36
break lights. And we get the driver out. He gives us his
driver's license. We get him out, he
comes back wanted.
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Open warrants. So the passenger gives us
a name, we check the name, he comes back wanted.
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Cuff him, put him in the
car and this guy's in tears. Tears are flowing down his, out
of his eyes, down his cheeks.
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Uh, that that's
not my real name. We put him on the
machine, he comes back with an open warrant for
delivery or possession.
00:18:09
He gave us a fake name. The fake name he
gave us was wanted. [LAUGHING FROM BEHIND THE
CAMERA]
00:18:16
Yeah, totally made up. It was a fake name. And he was wanted. -Just pulled it out of the air.
00:18:22
-Pulled out of the air. And he's wanted. [LAUGHING FROM BEHIND THE
CAMERA] Mhmm.
00:18:28
Uh, taking an OD
call in an alleyway. Off of [inaudible]
in a strip center. And we took the call off
of a regular patrol car.
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And as we roll up,
put in park, here's this guy laid out
in the alleyway. His arm's tied off, syringe
is still stuck in his arm.
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I nudge him, wake him gently. And I go, what the hell is this? He looks. Looks at me.
00:18:57
That ain't my rig, dude! And this ain't my arm! [LAUGHING FROM BEHIND THE
CAMERA]
00:19:02
[cartoon sound effects] [music playing]