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NARRATOR: Tonight on
"America's Dumbest Criminals." Right now do you suppose this
fleeing criminal is thinking,
00:00:10
"Dang, I must have
missed my exit!" Watch as we deliver a
story about a pizza box
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that works like a boomerang to
tag its sticky fingered owner. And some misguided fellows
who turn themselves
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in when they make
a very wrong turn. Stay right where you are. You're on the trail
of a good time
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as we round up a posse to
go after "America's Dumbest Criminals." [police radio]
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[music playing] [sirens] [music playing] -Duh. NARRATOR: Now, welcome your
hosts for "America's Dumbest
00:01:08
Criminals," Daniel
Butler and Debbie Alan. -[laughs] Hi there! -What'd you think of
that guy in the opening?
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-Which guy? -The guy that was in the car
that sailed through the trees and off the 50 foot drop.
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-Oh man! I can't imagine what was
going through his mind! -Tree branches, I think.
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-[laughs] Daniel! -No, not really. He must have had nine
lives, because he comes out of that OK.
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You'll, you'll see later. -Yeah, it's pretty incredible. You ever had any
creative driving
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experiences like that guy? -Not really. Once I swerved to miss a
chipmunk and hit a deer.
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-[gasps] Oh man! -It was a bad trade off. But how about you? -Oh, I was in the
car with my husband
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and he ran into our
neighbor's mailbox. -Aw, but you caused that. -Re-landscaped the whole yard!
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No! No!
-You must have caused it. -He was looking at
one of the kids. -All right.
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Well, forget your husband. Let's get on with the
criminals du jour. DEBBIE ALAN: [laughs] OK.
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-Our first story involves a
different crook on the run, who runs out of gas,
then runs on foot.
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But he runs out of luck
and possibly runs up a little bit of a hospital bill. -We're running out
of time! [laughs]
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DANIEL BUTLER: I'm sorry.
I'm running! -Let's drop in on
this guy in Anaheim, California who
discovers that fences
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are usually there for a reason. He drops 50 feet, but he's
still caught on camera.
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[siren] -What we had was a case where
officers were basically trying to pull a guy over for
traffic violations.
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Nothing really big. The guy decided to take off. It progressed into a
pursuit with several
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of our units involved, and
our helicopter was right over. Our units, uh, just
backed off, gave
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him a long leash to let him run. Something happened to his car
and it couldn't go no more.
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So he pulls over the side
and sees the helicopter, sees the flashing lights in the
distance rapidly approaching,
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opens his front door, runs out
of his car around the front and then jumps
over the guardrail.
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Only problem is he's over the
top of the Santa Ana River. And here in
California, our rivers
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don't have much water
in any time of the year, let alone during the
middle of the summer.
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Well, he proceeds to drop almost
50 feet down to the river bed. Our officers just could
look and shake their head,
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and at that point, we just
called the paramedics. Well, the good part is that
he is recovering nicely.
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And I'll tell you what. He'll look twice before
he leaps next time. -He sure will!
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-Yeah, buddy. Who would have thought
that a pizza would provide the evidence needed to put this
purse snatcher in his place?
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-No, the crime lab didn't
dust pepperoni for prints or send the anchovies in
for DNA testing. [laughs]
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-But they could have,
if they wanted to. Police officers found
a much easier way
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though to sink this
deep dish aficionado into very deep trouble. Any way you slice
it, this guy deserved
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to be picked up
by the department we call "Something
to Remember Me By." -Several months
ago, our department
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was involved in a, uh,
rather quick investigation because the activities of the
criminal was a crime that uh,
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attracts a lot of attention. It's a sign today's
crime committed against an elderly person.
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It was a purse
snatching against a, an older lady in our community. She was accosted by an
individual in a parking lot,
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had her pocketbook
uh, snatched from her. Individual ran, pushed the
lady down, left the scene.
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Short while later,
another of our officers observed an individual
somewhat fitting the same
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description running
along with a big red uh, paper bag in his hand. Ran by a dumpster.
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As he jogged by, he tossed it
over the top of the dumpster. Because this individual more
or less fit the description
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of the person we
were looking for, the uh, the investigating
officer went back to check the dumpster, see
if there was any correlation
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between what was
thrown in the dumpster. Uh, going inside
the dumpster, he found only one red
paper bag inside.
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Inside that bag, he
found the pocketbook with the uh, contents
belonging to the, the victim,
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the elderly lady-- uh,
her driver's license, ID. And along with that,
found a pizza box.
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And on the pizza box
was the name, address, and telephone number
of our suspect.
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When our officers went to the
address indicated on the pizza delivery box, knocked
on the front door,
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an individual, uh, guy fit the
same description of the suspect opened the door, still
sweaty and out of breath
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from having run back
to the apartment. And sure enough, he was
the suspect in the case.
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-All right, here's the
story we were talking about earlier, or at
least the first part.
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-Yep. It's a car chase, a
spectacular stunt, a stunning survival, and more. It sounds like
"Lethal Weapon 5,"
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but you won't find
Mel Gibson here. No, just a road warrior who
takes things off the road
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until he decides to hit the
street in a very big way. Watch. NARRATOR: You could call him
the Ever Ready Bunny of robbers,
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because he keeps
going and going. And, as you'll see in a
moment, why you could also call
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him Robocrook, or
just one lucky guy. Police officers in pursuit
know that this man is armed,
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so they're very careful
to avoid endangering others on this Los
Angeles freeway.
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But he seems to be
up to something. Maybe stopping, uh, maybe
taking the off ramp?
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No, he goes for
the off off ramp! End of story? No, this cliffhanger
is hardly over.
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[applause] [music playing] NARRATOR: Hey, check
out this dumb law. In Connecticut,
you can be stopped
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for biking over
65 miles per hour. [applause] -Hey listen, if I'm on a
bike going 65 miles an hour,
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I want somebody to
stop me! [laughs] But our next guy got stopped,
but he sure didn't want to be.
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You see, he tries to use
a little creative license to get off the hook. But apparently, that
license had been revoked!
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Here's the feature we call
"America's Dumbest Excuses." -When I was working third shift,
I pulled a, a vehicle over I
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suspected to be operated
by a drunk driver. Uh, I pulled my--
approached his vehicle,
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I observed an older
gentleman probably about 90, 95
driving the vehicle. And I asked him for
his driver's license,
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and he very angrily said, "I
don't have driver's license. I've been driving for
70 some-odd years.
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I don't need a
driver's license." And I asked him, I said,
"Well, do you have any ID?"
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And as serious as he could,
he looked at me and said, "About what?" So he was free to go.
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[laughs] --[laughs] He had a
cute little giggle. What do you think, Daniel? -I have no ID.
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No, I, I think he was legit. When he said, "I
had no ID," I think he really meant
that he had no idea.
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Not one, nada, the old no. All right. Well, we're gonna pick up on
the chase we began earlier.
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And this guy should have had
at least one idea in his head. Somebody up above was
watching out for him.
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Let's go back to that
story and get up to speed. NARRATOR: When we
left our criminal,
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he went off-roading
in a big way. Well, his guardian angels were
obviously working overtime,
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because he pulls out of
this totally totalled car and takes off again. Why would he break
his back as a robber
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when he could make a
fortune as a stunt driver? Ironically, he follows up
his nearly clean get away
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by taking a little stroll
through the sewer canals. Then he tries to act nonchalant.
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But that's kinda hard
with a helicopter hovering over your head. So he breaks into a run,
unaware that police are putting
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together a big
welcoming party for him. [applause] -When is that guy
ever gonna stop?
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Well, the teenagers
in this next story don't know when to stop either. I guess you can blame it on
short attention spans or memory
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loss or just being
kids who refuse to learn from their mistakes. But they sure seem
driven to stealing cars,
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or at least one
car in particular. See what we mean. -Well, talk about some
people never learn.
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I assisted in the
arrest of a kid twice in one week
for stealing cars. -Well, I stopped because
you were speeding.
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But this is a stolen car. OFFICER PHIL
KONSTANTIN (VOICEOVER): And as I look inside the car,
I'd just pulled the kid over,
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and he's real nervous. And I said, "Well, I see
you got another stolen car." And he said, "Well,
I, I, I didn't
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know this car was stolen!" I said, "Well, have you looked
down at your foot?" "Why?
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What's wrong with my foot?" I said, "You've got the broken
ignition parts on your toe."
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[applause] [sirens] -We had had about
three bank robberies in the last two weeks.
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And so we were kinda edgy,
'cause we just had one the day before. And we get a call
from dispatch that
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said that a person
on a cell phone had uh, driven by
an armored car. The passenger in
the armored car had
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put a sign up saying "Help me!" So uh, they were following
the car for a while and then they hung
up on the phone,
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so we had to find the,
that armored vehicle. We found it within
about a minute. POLICE OFFICER: Put both
hands outside the window!
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-We pulled it over. -Do it now! -And uh, pulled out the driver
and pulled out the passenger.
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-Turn around, face away from me. Put your hands on
top of your head. Interlock your fingers.
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-I said, "OK, guys. What's going on here? Are you guys in trouble? What's the deal?"
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-Back up, back up,
back up, back up. -And he says, "Oh,
it's that darn Bubba." I says, "Bubba?"
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And he goes, "Bubba, yeah. I told him not to do it!" -On the ground! On the beat.
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-I says, "Wow, man. Are you, what, is this
a joke or what is this?" He says, "Yeah."
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Well, we felt a little better,
but you can never tell. You know, you gotta
make, you always,
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you gotta play it all the
way through to the end. Because he could have
been one of the bad guys
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trying to get out of it. So next one we
got out was Bubba. Big old boy. And we got him
walking back to us,
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grabbed him, spread him across. Said, "Are you Bubba?" "Yeah." "Well Bubba, what
are you doing?"
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"I'm just being
stupid!" [laughs] So what had happened
was the middle guy, he um, he had did
this as a prank.
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As a prank. And we asked the other
guy, I says, "Well, aren't you work
coworkers with this guy?
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I mean, what'd you tell him?" He says, "We don't
tell Bubba anything. Bubba's too big.
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He has a bad temper. We, we're saying,
'Bubba, you better not do this.' And he's,
'I'm gonna do this!'"
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And he said, he said he
just hung the sign out there and saying, "Help me! Help me!"
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On the back of
it, he had taken-- it looked like a crayon--
and had written "Help me!"
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And he had a smiley face on
it and he was holding it up, the sign up to the side
window, the passenger window,
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as he's driving down
the street trying to get people's attention. So we uh, we hooked him
up, took him into jail.
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What a dozer. [laughs] [applause] [music playing] -Coming up in a bit, a crack
house that gains publicity
00:11:24
for its going out
of business sale. But now, with news that makes
unnamed sources very proud,
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here's Daniel with
"ADC Headlines." [music playing] -A drug user in Bend, Oregon
was beaten by the odds.
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It seems that he thought
he was calling his dealer, but misdialed and reached
a narcotics detective.
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Dadgum, don't you hate
when that happens? Thinking at first that
it was a practical joke,
00:11:50
the officer agreed
to meet the criminal in the making for a buy. It took three hours
for the accused
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to realize just how effectively
he had plotted against himself. Well, a motorist unaware that
his leadfootedness was being
00:12:04
recorded received in the
mail a photograph of his car and a speeding ticket for $40.
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Thinking he was being
cute, he sent back a photograph of two $20 bills. The police got his attention
with their next correspondence,
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a picture of handcuffs. [laughs] OK! When an 18 year-old man escaped
from jail in Auburn Hills,
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Michigan, he left his
mocking note on his bed. It said, "By the
time you read this,
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I'll be halfway to Europe. Ha ha!" He was arrested the same
day three miles away.
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Mkay? Which was not halfway to
Europe, little Debbie. And that closes the file on
"ADC Headlines," news ripped
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from somewhere near the back
of your local newspaper. Deb? [applause] -We're now gonna return for the
closing chapter in our story
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of a crook who caught a
huge break when he crashed his car while
running from police
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and lived to tell the tale. When we left him,
he was on foot, but I think that's
about to change.
00:13:01
Grab your airsick
bags, we're climbing back in a surveillance
helicopter. NARRATOR: All right, let's
back things up and take
00:13:08
a running start at
reprising this robber's runaway success today. This guy has laid waste to
some trees, trashed his car,
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hiked through a sewage
canal, and tried to look inconspicuous
in a neighborhood.
00:13:21
But now police point
convincing evidence that his luck has ran out. They hover above him
and have a Land Rover
00:13:28
ready to nip his plans
for yet another escape. Ultimately, the man who
walked away from the crash
00:13:33
with barely a scratch
walks away in handcuffs. Some people just don't
know when to quit.
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[applause] -Hey, stick a fork in him. He's done, huh? Now it took an all
out effort from police
00:13:46
to bring that guy down. But now we've got
a couple of crooks who required no effort at all.
00:13:52
They lost their
way and by the time they realized what they'd done,
they'd lost their freedom.
00:13:57
We go to Cleburne, Texas to
watch them arrive in a dead end in this week's
edition of "I'm Where?
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You're Who?" [music playing] -You know, it's not
every day that we have our criminals come
in and give up to us.
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It, it happens occasionally,
but not every day. -I had a call that uh, the uh,
car wash had been burglarized.
00:14:20
So an officer sees
this car that's not being washed with
four people in it. -[inaudible] in the car!
00:14:26
CPL. PAM JETSEL (VOICEOVER):
So he drives on by and watches in the
rear view mirror.
00:14:30
They make a U-turn,
start taking off. So he pursued. And that went on
for a few minutes.
00:14:37
Pretty soon, five or
six cars are involved. -Big high speed police case
involving the City of Cleburne
00:14:42
police cars and the Johnson
County Sheriff's Office cars. And when he got in
behind the individual,
00:14:47
he was trying to
be a little smart. He had a little advantage
of a lead of them.
00:14:50
And he saw an open garage that
he just kind of pulled down into, thinking he'd pull
into this garage and hide.
00:14:56
-Down the alley to jail! SHERIFF BOB ALFORD (VOICEOVER):
The problem being, the garage
00:15:00
is a Johnson County
Sheriff's Office [inaudible]. -Get down! Get down! Get down!
00:15:05
-Get on the ground right now! -Get on the ground! -Get on the ground! -The booking area of the jail.
CPL.
00:15:10
PAM JETSEL (VOICEOVER):
Everybody came out of the law enforcement center that was
here with their handcuffs
00:15:14
ready to cuff these
people in the car. -What are you doing? You take us to the jail!
00:15:20
-It was pretty wild. -They were all handy
to be arrested. --[laughs] If these
drug users in Artesia,
00:15:27
New Mexico had only read
their local newspaper, they would have know
their crack house
00:15:31
was about to be out of business. But because they failed
to check the daily news,
00:15:35
they were put out
of circulation. Extra! Extra! See all about it! -Four months ago, our
narcotics task force
00:15:46
in this part of the state put
out a big ad and an article in the paper warning
all of our crack dealers
00:15:53
and all of our crack houses
that uh, zero tolerance in the southeast
part of the state.
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Uh, it even said
right in the article, "We're coming after you." The very next day,
the SRT team, along
00:16:07
with the uh,
narcotics task force hit a crack house here in town. Had about 12 individuals in it.
00:16:15
-I was on the entry
team with the SWAT team. Upon making entry and securing
all subjects in there,
00:16:20
I noticed a subject
that uh, from Artesia, that I have had dealings
with in the past
00:16:26
and several other officers have. -I've known this particular
subject for many years.
00:16:31
Walked up to him and said,
"Son, what are you doing here?" "Oh, you know me, Mr. Fry."
00:16:36
He said, "I just hang
around wherever I can, whoever'll let me hang
around with them."
00:16:40
I said, "Well, that's
understandable. But don't you read the
papers?" "Yes sir."
00:16:44
"Well, didn't you read
the article yesterday in the-- that was put
out by the narcotics task
00:16:48
force in big bold
letters that they were coming after
the crack houses?" "Yes sir.
00:16:54
I read that article." The chief said,
"Well, you didn't pay much attention to it."
And he says, "Yeah.
00:16:58
I guess I'm dumb
for being here when you guys give me fair
warning about it." -I said, "You said it, son.
00:17:04
Not me." [applause] [music playing] -All right, now here's the
low down on the low lifes
00:17:21
cruising along in the low
rider you're about to see. They think they're macho. But they're about to
be in mucho trouble.
00:17:27
-You're gonna see lots of
things that go bang bang when these guys accidentally
pop their trunk!
00:17:31
-Ooh, hate that! Here's "We're Not
Making This Up!" -I was working in a tac
team position, and we have,
00:17:43
we have a layoff man. The layoff man stays away from
the group of officers that are actually making contact with
the suspects, so that if we get
00:17:52
sniped at, or if somebody
gets on top of a building or what have you, uh, the
layoff man can uh, lay
00:17:57
down cover for uh, the officers. Uh, so I was across the street. This car is, is driving by.
00:18:04
Uh, there was a really
big dip in the roadway. Uh, and as the car hit
the dip in the road--
00:18:12
it was a low rider so
the rear end of the car smacked the ground-- and when
it did, the trunk popped open.
00:18:19
And I was so close
the car at that time. But they were, all
the people in the car
00:18:23
were looking at the
cops on the sidewalk. Uh, they didn't see me. And I yelled at the
driver, "It's OK.
00:18:28
I'll take care of it." And I walked to the
rear of this car to shut the trunk
of his car, and it
00:18:32
was just full of, of
rifles and handguns. And of course they were stolen. And so we took the whole
dumb bunch to jail.
00:18:43
-Dip in the road? Were you there in that story? -No. -Dip in the road. -Dip in the ro-- oh stop!
00:18:48
That's so mean! Well, as long as people
continue to break the law, we'll have a job.
00:18:53
-That's good. -So unless the world changes
in a big way overnight, we'll be back next week with
more dumb criminal stories.
00:18:59
-If you've got a lead on a story
or you just can't wait till next week with more
state-of-the-art stupidity
00:19:04
provided by our hosts
and the criminals, visit our website at
www.dumbcrimes.com.
00:19:11
-We want to thank
you for joining us and extend our gratitude
to the law enforcement
00:19:14
officers who make
this show possible. Every day they lay
their lives on the line
00:19:18
to us safe from the stupidity
of would-be criminals. -As always, we
hope that we've all
00:19:22
learned from others' mistakes. -But if you haven't yet, we
just might see you next week
00:19:27
on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -Goodbye! [music and applause]