00:00:04
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on
"America's Dumbest Criminals," this surveillance video
of thieves in action
00:00:09
proves it isn't just the
escalator that's going down. This hidden camera shows
that more than bears
00:00:14
go rummaging in the woods. This guy, known as
"Diaper Boy," left cards saying that he
needed a spanking.
00:00:20
But the police thought he
needed tougher discipline. Strange but true, and all
coming right at you right now
00:00:26
on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." FEMALE OFFICER (ON RADIO):
Delta 1-5-2-6, give me a call.
00:00:32
[theme music] MAN: Duh. ANNOUNCER: Now, welcome your
hosts for "America's Dumbest
00:01:05
Criminals," Daniel
Butler and Debbie Alan. -Hi. Hi there. [laughing] -You know, every
once in a while,
00:01:12
we receive something
here at the show that's really worth passing
along to our viewers.
00:01:15
-Yeah, a historian at the Fort
Smith National Historic Site in Fort Smith, Arkansas,
sent us a list of bad guys
00:01:21
who were left high
and dry by a-- [makes choking noise] --hanging judge known
as Judge Parker.
00:01:26
-Now we'd like to
pass along the names of a few of these
mangy varmints done in by the hard-nosed judge.
00:01:32
There was Arkansas Bill, Big
Bill, Chickasaw Bill, Mesquite Bill, Sugar Bill, Hurricane
Bill, Whiskey Bill,
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and President Bill-- no, wait. [laughing] -OK, no, i-- ignore
the last one. I'm sorry.
00:01:42
It was just a little-- -Hey, "bigs" were big back in
the late 1800s as well, Big
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Hill Joe, Big John, Big
Potatoes, Big Feather, Bigfoot, Big Road, Big Head,
Big Mouth, and even
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three different Big Chews. -Big Chew. [laughing] -Big Chews. -And my personal
favorites, Buffalo Chips,
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Dirt Pot, and Mud Eater. [laughing] -That's-- this is true. Can you imagine roll
call at the volunteer
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fire department in that place? -Or place cards
at formal dinners? -No, I don't-- if
your name's Dirt Pot,
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I don't think you get invited
to a lot of formal dinners, Debbie. [laughing] -You're probably right.
00:02:12
-OK. -We're gonna learn more about
this judge who did his part to tame the Wild West
a little bit later.
00:02:17
But right now, we're
headed to South Florida. -Now the teenagers
in our first video
00:02:22
probably had colorful names too. But their bravado of robbing
this department store
00:02:26
probably faded a bit
when they learned they'd been recorded
in black and white. -Here they are
"Caught on Camera."
00:02:32
[siren wailing] DEBBIE ALAN
(VOICEOVER): Sure, it looks like a carefree
night at the mall.
00:02:41
But this energetic gang is
carrying out pricey designer clothes by the armful with
no signs of sticker shock.
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And even though these
crooks were young, officers believe that
they were old pros when
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it came to carrying
out their mission. OFFICER: Sure they, uh,
knew what they were doing.
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And they had done it before. We're not sure, you know, what
group they're affiliated with
00:03:02
and how many others
they have done. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER):
Before hitting the store,
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they'd gone car shopping. They found three cars
rented by tourists staying at local motels and
helped themselves.
00:03:11
In fact, they used golf clubs
found in the trunk of one vehicle to smash the
department store's window.
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OFFICER: Some evidence
from the scene was found in the cars that
were recovered, um, including
00:03:21
some sales tickets from
the actual merchandise that was stolen. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): For
all their enthusiasm here,
00:03:26
that shopper's high
vanished quickly when police caught up with them. And since they didn't
pay for the clothes,
00:03:31
they get to pay for their deeds. -A boo-boo. -At the Galleria. [laughing] --Well, we don't have
video of our next crook.
00:03:38
But he was kind enough
to leave his card at the scene of the crime. -Now you've heard of a "get
out of jail free" card.
00:03:44
Well, this is just like that,
only completely the opposite. -What do you mean by that?
00:03:47
[laughing] -Well, you know. [laughing] -Go to jail free. -It's just a little
"Something to Remember Me By."
00:03:55
[music playing] -I was working
Detective Division. And during that time, we'd had a
lot of auto burgs, where people
00:04:07
were getting into cars, stealing
stereos, knives, wallets, calculators, cell
phones, things like that.
00:04:14
And we never could
find a suspect on it. Then, after we had had a bunch
of these going on for months
00:04:20
and months, I got a call
from one of the victims that said that, uh, we
had-- he had something
00:04:25
in the car he wanted
me to look at. [slide whistle] And so I went up to his place
there to see what he had.
00:04:30
And when I got up there,
he had this piece of paper. Well, he opened the
piece of paper up.
00:04:35
It was a court notice where
a guy had been to court. And the court had
given him this paper.
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And apparently, he had
dropped it in the car. So in the meantime, I called
the guy in, asked him about it.
00:04:47
And he denied it, and
denied it, and denied it. I opened up the piece of
paper, placed it before him.
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He looked at it
and went, oh, jeez. And you know, he had this
real dumb look on his face.
00:04:58
And I'm sure he realized
that-- how stupid he was for leaving
a paper behind. DEBBIE ALAN: Uh-oh.
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Well, a little knowledge
is a dangerous thing. But to a bumfuzzled
criminal, it's
00:05:09
like playing Russian
roulette with yourself. -Yeah, see what happens
when one such fella comes
00:05:14
up against a very sharp officer. It's a meeting of the
minds, except, well, one party showed
up empty headed.
00:05:20
-Sort of like us.. -I'm originally from Houston. And I was working in San Diego.
00:05:26
And I saw a truck speeding down
the roadway, pulled it over. And the driver was--
had a real strong odor
00:05:31
of alcohol on his breath. So I get him over and
started talking to him. Well, he's from Texas.
00:05:36
He's driving a car with license
plates that say California. But he's in the Navy.
00:05:40
So I asked him, well, uh,
how much you had to drink? And the guy says, I haven't
had anything to drink, officer.
00:05:45
I thought, yeah, right. So I look at his license. And I realized that I
know where the guy lived.
00:05:50
He lives right-- a couple blocks
from where I used to live. So I look at him real
close in the face.
00:05:55
And said, you know, Principal
Lomax at Sam Rayburn wouldn't appreciate
you lying to me.
00:06:00
[boink] The guy's eyes get real big. And he says, how
did you know that? I said, I know everything.
00:06:06
He says, oh, OK,
I've had six beers. [laughing] [music playing] ANNOUNCER: Hey, check
out this dumb law.
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Brewerton, Alabama,
forbids the driving of motorboats on city streets. [laughing]
00:06:26
-I wonder if that would
include the barges that little old men in
my neighborhood drive.
00:06:30
Well, if a parking meter is
for parking, what do you think is speedometer would be for?
00:06:34
The guy holding the ticket in
our next story has the answer. It's tonight's winning entry
in "America's Dumbest Excuses."
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[music playing] -I remember one
day, I was working traffic enforcement
on the highway.
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And I stopped a-- a lady for
speeding at about 70 miles an hour in a
45-mile-an-hour zone.
00:06:53
And I contact her. I said, ma'am, the reason
I'm s-- stopping you is you were speeding 70 in a 45.
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And she says, you know, officer
it's the funniest thing. She says, my speedometer
only works when I'm speeding.
00:07:04
My speedometer only
works when I'm speeding. -I don't know. Do you buy her
explanation, Daniel?
00:07:12
-Yeah, well unfortunately,
I've lived her explanation. [laughing] -There's nothing quite
like getting away
00:07:18
from the crime and
craziness of the city. That opens up the door
for you to experience
00:07:22
the crime and craziness
of the country. That's what a number of weekend
warriors discovered when they
00:07:27
arrived to find someone
had been in their cabins. And it wasn't
Goldilocks, either.
00:07:31
To find out just
who was the culprit, one enterprising
homeowner set up a video camera triggered
by a motion detector.
00:07:38
Bingo, he bagged himself
a bungalow bandit. See for yourself. [music playing] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Burglars beware.
00:07:48
Cameras aren't just for
convenience stores and banks anymore. Even a summer cottage can be
a high-tech trap when you're
00:07:54
dealing with a
video-savvy owner. -Camera's triggered by infrared
sensors that-- like the ones
00:08:00
that set off your flood lamps. We've, uh, went in
and reworked them so they work 24
hours a day when--
00:08:04
even if the daylight's out. And that triggers
the camera by motion. And they start rolling.
00:08:10
DANIEL BUTLER
(VOICEOVER): The owner even did his own detective work,
finding a name for this face
00:08:15
before turning the
evidence over to police. -Anytime someone would
take the initiative
00:08:19
to prevent the crime
themselves or to help us out, especially with the
video of the guy,
00:08:25
we appreciate that very much. Oh, we think it's great
that he had the incentive to do this and let
us have the tape.
00:08:31
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
Now this bad guy has his own vacation home with
a door he can't break down.
00:08:36
[clinking] [slam] -What do you do if you
need to flush out a suspect and you don't have time
to call out the hounds?
00:08:44
Well, you take this approach,
which proved equally effect. -I had an opportunity to meet
two kind of dumb burglary
00:08:52
suspects one night when I was
patrolling the midnight shift. Uh, the corporal that was
on the shift at that time
00:08:58
stopped this guy
walking down the road. And I was en route
to back him up. And when I got there, he told
me a car, just a few seconds
00:09:05
before that, had
wheeled around and went back the other direction. I proceeded to try to
catch up with the guy
00:09:10
and, incidentally, got in a
high-speed chase with the guy. I chased him about a mile.
00:09:14
And he bailed out in this,
uh, real remote area. When he bailed out, I-- I
wasn't about to go in the woods
00:09:19
after him at 3 o'clock
in the morning. It's real thick. Within a few minutes, the
other officers got there.
00:09:23
And we, uh-- I hollered
back to the corporal. I said, Corporal,
bring that dog. Uh, we don't have a attack dog.
00:09:29
[dog barking] -He's-- he hollered back to
the Officer Landry and said, Officer Landry, get that dog out
of my car and bring him here.
00:09:34
We all hollering back
and forth and everything. And, uh, Officer Landry said,
no, I ain't getting that dog.
00:09:38
That dog bit me last week. I ain't messing
with him no more. And Corporal Park says,
all right, I'll get him.
00:09:43
And then he started
making noises like a dog and everything, get-- [dog barking]
00:09:47
--getting the dog out. And then, hey, I-- I'm
at the edge of the woods. And I hear rustling
coming toward me.
00:09:51
So I draw down on him. And here I see this
black male walking toward me with his hands up.
00:09:55
And he's got a real
scared look on his face. And he's saying, oh, please
don't put the dog on me, sir.
00:09:59
Please don't put the
dog-- I'll do anything. But please don't
put that dog on me.
00:10:02
So I ordered him to get down. And we handcuffed
him and everything. And subsequently, we
found out that he--
00:10:06
he'd been bitten by dogs before. And he was real scared of dogs. [music playing]
00:10:22
-Still to come, a tough-minded
judge brings judgment day to bad guys in
the Old Wild West.
00:10:27
But now with news that makes
mountains out of mole hills, here's Daniel with
"ADC Headlines."
00:10:33
[music playing] [sigh] -While investigating
a car burglary at a motel in
Monteagle, Tennessee,
00:10:42
officer Virgil McNeese
found a black hat left behind by the criminal. Upon returning to
the police station,
00:10:48
he tossed the hat on top
of the evidence locker. A short time later, a
man arrived to pay a fine
00:10:54
and said, hey, Virgil,
where'd you find my hat? Realizing he'd let the Cat
in the Hat out of the bag,
00:11:01
he back-peddled saying,
wait, wa-- was-- was this used in a crime? Wait, this ain't my hat.
00:11:06
Too late. Uh, his admission capped
off his crime spree. A woman burst into the Zip Trip
convenience store in Hogeye
00:11:14
and demanded cash. The none too accommodating
clerk would only fork over $40 and told the robber not to
point the gun in her face.
00:11:22
Well, the crook then went to
the restroom in the market, giving the clerk the
opportunity to bar her
00:11:27
in with a broom
against the door. Though she did break free
before police arrived,
00:11:33
she was captured soon after. Mm, OK. In a New Mexico
restaurant, a woman became irate because the
burrito that she had ordered
00:11:41
was not to her liking. She refused to pay,
complained loudly, and left. She later returned and threw
the burrito at a waitress,
00:11:50
hitting her in the
back of the head. Reports say, quote,
"The missile was hurled in a rude and
insolent manner."
00:11:59
So a complaint was
filed against the woman. But you know, it's funny. Normally, after a burrito, rude
and insolent things happen,
00:12:05
you know, but-- anyway,
that closes the file on "ADC Headline News," ripped-- [paper ripping]
00:12:11
--from somewhere near the
back of your local newspaper. Debbie. -Daniel, Daniel, Daniel.
00:12:17
[giggling] Clark Kent went to great
lengths to keep people from discovering he was
really Superman, right?
00:12:22
How far should you go to
keep the world from knowing that your secret
identity is "Diaper Boy?"
00:12:27
The answer-- a lot farther
than this guy went. He even passed out cards
to spread the word.
00:12:33
But in time, Diaper Boy
chafed enough people. And officers moved in and
toddled him off to jail.
00:12:39
Here's his more than a
little bit strange story. STORE CLERK: He had shorts. An the shirt said,
"Diaper Boy" on his shirt.
00:12:47
DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER):
Meet Diaper Boy. He'll even give you
his calling card in hopes of getting
a good spanking.
00:12:53
This convenience store
clerk got two cards. STORE CLERK: Uh, second time he
came back, it was-- he handed
00:12:58
me another card, um, made
some comments about his rubber pants, and, do I wanna
change his diapers?
00:13:04
And I was just like, OK. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER):
Neighbors had no idea the boy next door liked Pampers.
00:13:11
-I'm still kind of shocked. I mean, I've lived here
for over four years. And to know that
someone like that lives
00:13:16
nearby is kind of scary. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): It
seems none of the neighborhood
00:13:19
moms wants to take
care of Diaper Boy. -Sorry. -OK, now we encounter
a prostitute
00:13:27
who is so anxious
to drum up business that she fails to heed the
undercover officer's warning.
00:13:32
When she keeps banging
away, he lowers the boom. It's yet another case
of the self-arrest
00:13:38
in a saga we call, "I'm Where? You're Who?" [music playing] -I'm Mike Wells. I'm a captain with the Weber
County Sheriff's Office.
00:13:50
We're out of Ogden, Utah. I'd just got off work. I'd been working plainclothes. I was in an unmarked car.
00:13:56
But I had all of
my police stuff, you know, Kojak light,
red light, radio, badge,
00:14:01
and handcuffs,
and all that stuff laying on the seat beside of me. I was tired. And I was heading home when
I saw a gal flagging me
00:14:07
down down in one of the
lower streets in Ogden. Well, I pulled over. And, uh, she came around
to the driver's window.
00:14:14
As she stood there,
she asked me if I wanted to go have some fun. And I told her, well, uh,
yeah, I probably would.
00:14:21
How much is this gonna cost me? She says, well, $50. I told her OK. And she says, well,
are you a cop?
00:14:26
And I said, well, yeah. And she says, no
really, are you a cop? And I says, yeah, really I am.
00:14:32
She says, no, now
really, are you a cop? I said, yes, I am a cop. I really wanted to go home.
00:14:37
I wasn't ready for this. And she says, no,
seriously, are you a cop? And I says,
seriously, I am a cop.
00:14:43
She didn't say anything. She came around. And as she was coming
around, I hurried
00:14:46
and scooped everything
off onto the floor. And, uh, when she got in
the car, she, uh, says, OK.
00:14:51
I handed her the $50. OK. -Let's go. -All righty, you're
under arrest. [boink]
MIKE WELLS: And, uh--
00:14:58
[bleep] MIKE WELLS: --started the car. And we drove around the
block, took a couple lefts,
00:15:02
and pulled right into
the bay of the jail. And I booked her
for prostitution. I can't believe she didn't
see all of the police stuff
00:15:08
that was on the floor
and in the backseat. But she either
didn't, or she really was one of the dumbest
criminals I've ever seen.
00:15:15
-So he was really a cop, huh? [laughing] Well, his name was Judge Parker. And he provided the
local undertaker
00:15:21
with a thriving business
of dying customers. Nobody in the Old West
back in the late 1800s
00:15:26
dispensed with more
dumb criminals. Here's a little history
lesson "ADC" style. [music playing]
00:15:38
JULIE GALONSKA:
Uh, we're at Fort Smith National Historic Site. And Fort Smith is known for the
federal court for the Western
00:15:44
District of Arkansas,
whose most famous-- [gunshots] --jurist was Judge
Isaac C. Parker.
00:15:49
Parker served between
1875 and 1896. And it was known as
the "hanging judge" because under him, 160 people
were sentenced to hang.
00:15:58
79 of those were actually
executed here in Fort Smith. It starts off in
November of 1874
00:16:04
when a dead body is
found in the Creek Nation in Indian territory. It's a young man,
about 19 years old,
00:16:10
with a bullet through his
head and no shoes or boots on, barefooted. Witnesses in the
vicinity testify
00:16:16
that they saw this young man
and another man traveling around together and that this
young man was wearing boots
00:16:23
with high heels and fancy tops. A few days after this,
they arrest another man, Daniel Evans, who is
wearing boots that
00:16:29
match this description, uh, take
him back to Fort Smith, where the federal court is
held, and try to--
00:16:36
[gavel banging] --have a murder
trial and convict the man in December of 1874. Ends up in a hung jury.
00:16:43
Wait a couple of months. Retry him in May of 1875. And this is one of
the first murder
00:16:48
trials under Judge Parker. First day of testimony opens. Government doesn't have any
new witnesses, any new evidence
00:16:54
at all. Go through the whole day. And that night, a man comes
up to the district attorney
00:17:00
and says, I'm the father of
the murdered boy, the victim. And I'd like to tell you
something about these boots.
00:17:06
Goes on to tell that-- about
the boots being purchased for his son shortly
before he left Texas.
00:17:11
But his son had to do
some repair work on them, namely putting on the
left boot heel-- um,
00:17:17
back on after it had fallen
off with three horseshoe nails. District attorney is thrilled.
00:17:22
Next day in court,
puts him on the stand. The man tells the same story. And at that point,
the district attorney
00:17:28
calls the defendant, Daniel
Evans, before the jury, asks him to hold
up his, uh, left
00:17:33
foot so that the
jury can see it. And lo and behold,
he's wearing boots with high heels and
fancy tops, and there's
00:17:40
three horseshoe
nails in the heel. This time, they end up
with a guilty verdict,
00:17:45
largely because
Daniel Evans ended up wearing his victim's
boots into court. [music playing]
00:18:03
-When does a poacher
become a thief? Well, this tale of pilfering
makes it hard to know.
00:18:07
-A man is seen dragging
a deer across a road. A little unusual,
but not unheard of.
00:18:12
But this was no game
to the people involved. -Listen as the officer
details where the buck stops
00:18:17
in tonight's
trophy-winning episode of "We're Not Making This Up." [music playing]
00:18:26
-One night on a midnight
shift, about 11:30 at night, my partner and I were
driving down a street.
00:18:32
And we saw this man dragging
something across the road. He looked up and saw us and ran.
00:18:37
We found out it was a deer. We, uh, backtracked
afterwards to find out the owner of the animal and, uh,
where the animal had come from.
00:18:45
And he had walked up and cut
the deer down off the porch, and then used the man's own
dragging rope to take the deer.
00:18:51
We caught the individual
and brought him back and arrested him for
the larceny of the deer.
00:18:55
The street that we caught
him on was Fawn Street. -Oh, he didn't make
it up, either, huh?
00:19:01
-Might've been Bambi. Well, that's it for tonight. But there's more dumb
to come next week.
00:19:05
-Before we say goodbye, we
wanna say thanks to all the law enforcement officers
on tonight's show.
00:19:09
-And a great big thank you
for watching the show tonight. -We appreciate the fine
work done by police officers
00:19:14
here at home and beyond,
to infinity and beyond. Can you do-- [laughing] -Yeah, just wrap it up, though.
00:19:20
-And we appreciate you
tuning in to watch this show. -And if you've got
a lead on a story
00:19:23
or you just can't
wait till next week, for more state of
the art stupidity, visit our website at
www.dumbcrimes.com.
00:19:29
-As always, we
hope that we've all learned from others' mistakes. -But if you still haven't, we
just might see you next week
00:19:35
on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -Buh-bye. [theme music] MAN: Duh. [music playing]