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hi i'm daniel butler welcome to another edition of america's dumbest criminals
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um [Applause] [Music] on this episode of america's dumbest criminals a cramped crook in stuffed turkey
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some creeping critters in swamp things a taunting car rather a pair of lame ducks and safe quackers
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on america's dumbest criminals and now here's your host daniel butler ultimately everything we do in this life
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prepares us for something else coming our way in the future as this dumb criminal was about to find out a man
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tried to rob a local restaurant los angeles and managed to get in take what he needed and then make his way back out
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through the ventilation ship however as he was slithering his way out he slipped
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and fell down on a joining segment of the system where he became stuck after an hour of screaming for help the fire
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and police department showed up to unstuff this turkey after several hours of cutting twisting and pulling they
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managed to remove the canned ham from his tin but he probably didn't realize that the
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quiet time he had just spent in the small confined space with no way out was just a sneak preview of how things would
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be for him over the next five to ten years behind bars there's a reason people used to ask who
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was that masked man when the lone ranger rode out of town because masks draw attention which is fine for heroes but
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not so fine for dumb villains in milwaukee a woman with crime in her heart and a ski mask on her head walked
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into a check cashing store since the temperature was warm the teller thought something was going on and it was but
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not the robbery attempt she expected hi i'd like to cache this do you have some identification
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uh can you take the mask off not even close the check and license were obviously stolen you'd better fill
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this out while the unknown forger tried to remember her fake name the teller called
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the police who arrived quickly and arrested the dumb criminal and despite her lawyer's request the woman was not
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allowed to wear her mask for her mug shot officer mark castile of garland texas and his partner were in pursuit of three
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robbery suspects making their getaway in a stolen car now they were close enough
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to the car to identify them as three african-american youths they chased them off the highway into a field of grass
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about waist high the driver runs into a tree stump and one of the use takes off with the officers in hot pursuit they
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corner their man and get him into custody when all of a sudden about 20 feet from us
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out of the grass this white guy stands up throws his hands up i give i give who's this who's this guy
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he didn't come out of the car so the one of the officers with me runs over and
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grabs this guy who who are you about this time some dallas officers come up from around this building he was a
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burglary suspect that they'd been looking for we captured two birds with one stone
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two birds in the hand both caught in the bush go for you [Music] here's a story about two thieves on the
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run who ran the wrong way an officer just happened to be patrolling a half block away from the
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car they decided to break into the two men were still trying to open the door when the officer pulled up
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they chose to run through a thicket that only led to a large swamp area no other
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way out the officer pulled his car over and noticed the thieves car parked nearby and saw a man pretending to be
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asleep in the driver's seat on closer inspection the officer noticed that the
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back seat was filled with radios and car stereos this was their getaway driver the drowsy driver was arrested and
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that's when the officer came up with an idea donning the driver's cap and jacket the
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officer climbed into the getaway car and lightly honk the horn as if signaling for the two to come out after noticing
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that the nearby police car was empty the two shivering stooges came running out of the swamp and right into the
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camouflaged cop's hand the swamp sickles were arrested and immediately sent to
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the cooler if i were you i dropped the remote now [Music] and now crimes of the week with daniel
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butler and beaumont bacon we have a new set we did yes the world is constantly changing hi i'm daniel
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butler and this is beaumont bacon hello how are you today i'm good i'm good to
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be here how are you i'm just saying thank you well then you're doing much
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better than the guy in our first story he was pulled over he was pulled over for a minor traffic violation and the
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officer discovered that this man was driving without a valid driver's license
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now according to the law the car had to be impounded a relative picked him up at
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the station and he was sent on his way what's up there you go well i'm sure he
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learned his lesson evidently not less than a half hour later the same officer was back out on patrol and was
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stopped at the light and noticed another car pull up beside him at the light it was the same guy he had just arrested
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only in a different car now he was arrested again and this car had to be impounded too ouch
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there yeah but it was an ouch he shared with the whole family well see the cars were not his they belonged to two
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different family members and each was impounded for 30 days each and cost him around 1200 ouch again you don't want to
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do that in your big brother's car no well i'm sure he'll think twice before
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asking his father if he can barf the car bart it's not coming back well this next woman she didn't even
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bother to ask if she could borrow the car mistake number one there you go an officer had pulled this woman over for
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drunk driving thank god i mean she obviously she was weaving and he knew something was going on however she knew
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she was drunk and she was very honest about it she goes you know what officer i'm drunk so just take me to jail which
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he planned to do anyway he cuffed her and put her in the back of the patrol car while he talked to the passenger
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that was in the car with her so he was over there talking when this drunken damsel she decided to make her move what
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she did is she crawled from the back seat into the front seat of the cruiser and drove off just leaving the stunning
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officer mistake number two and of course they've got that camera there so you know you're
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going to see the whole thing she's playing with the siren and the buttons she was having fun and the best part
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about this is that she didn't hightail it out of the country she didn't hightail it out of the city
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no what she did she drove right to the police station and she turned herself in oh well how nice she sobered up i guess
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and had a little flash of sanity there i guess so basically what she said though
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she got tired of waiting on the officer so she decided to finish the job herself
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okay service service you sisters are doing it for yourselves we're standing on our own two feet and
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driving ourselves straight to jail come a long way baby well these two goofs didn't drive themselves to the station
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but they did manage to call for a ride it seems that two guys had decided to steal the change out of a pay phone in
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gloucester new jersey wow they are high yeah it was the most money in one place in cluster i think what they didn't
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realize was that with all of their banging and pulling they had accidentally hit the 911 buttons on the
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phone you have to be pretty dumb i mean those buttons are there that's luck and it was a free call remember okay
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officers showed up a few moments later and collected the change gang and deposited them quickly into jail that
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was a hard thing to say no deposit no return no deposit no return which brings us to our next section our favorite
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sucks indeed the whole show which is the idiots of the week from all of the stories we received this week thousands
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this one is our favorite there's a plethora a plethora let me just there's a cornucopia of submissions here
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a montana officer made a routine traffic stop on a car that appeared to be going
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a bit faster than the posted limit just a scope just a tad skinky little bit the officer found a
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very happy driver more than willing to retrieve her license and so like any woman she goes to her purse the dope
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that she was searching for her id in her bag this could take an hour this could take a while the officers are going left
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foot rifle and waiting for her pulling out lipstick pulling out the looking for her identification and one of the things
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she did pull out she's placing all these items up on the dashboard the officer
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noticed a coffee cup full of rolled joints and he pointed them out to the spacey tracy who barely reacted as the
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officer cuffed her and gave the stoner a back row seat for the next showing of driving miss hazy no one under 17
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admitted without a warrant a registered nurse will be on duty this father and son reunion would have
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been more touching if dad had brought some brains along with him as well our dumb dad came to pick up his son
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from prison a facility that he had once been a guest of as well his peculiar behavior led to a police
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check it revealed a warrant for papa's arrest in alaska but papa wasn't alone
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he'd brought three friends along for the gala reunion they all were wanted too
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and their party favors included guns booze and drugs at least dad and his friends can call
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the son for a ride if they ever get released it was sort of a fairy tale you know some criminals claim they were
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led to a life of crime by an unhappy childhood urban poverty or improper toilet training this next loser went
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down the wrong path purely by choice while on patrol an officer noticed a guy drinking while he was driving and
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quickly pulled him over the man didn't appear to be intoxicated and lived just
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a few blocks away so the officer was just going to give the guy a break until once you go ahead and have me that beer
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right there okay all right there you go all right i see you have another one on the seat over there yeah i do you do
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yeah well you're gonna have to hand me that one too oh really yeah because in
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the state in this state you can't have an open container oh you can't no you
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can't have any beer in the car either oh yeah well i really need this beer sir so is
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it do you mind if i just you really need it you realize that i'm offering you
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here a chance to avoid an 80 dollar ticket plus all the taxes that go with it the
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state and the county everything put with it you know and i really don't want to
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write this ticket you know i'm trying to give you a break and be a part of that
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it's all right just write it up i already need this view you really need a beer that bad
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the officer wrote the ticket and followed the man home where he could legally enjoy his 80 dollar can of beer
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you have the right to remain seated [Music] here's a story about a purse thief who
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left more than just the scene of the crime after this woman used her atm card at a
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local machine a man suddenly appeared from nowhere grabbed her purse and took off running as the man ran away the
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victim noticed something fall out of his shirt pocket it was a visa card he dropped this i found this on the ground
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oh he did huh drop this card okay well we'll hang on to this it's probably a stolen card but
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you never know it could have belonged to him a week later the officer was notified by
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bank security that the card had not been stolen and in fact they even furnished a
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picture of the last person to use the victim's card at an atm lo and behold it was our first snatcher
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in fact he was wearing the same outfit from the night of the purse snatching with positive identification clearly
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established all the police had to do was atm arrest the [ __ ] [Music] you've met one at every party i can
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crime there's nothing wrong with me as he staggers to his car well on this occasion the [ __ ] got a
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mile down the road when he was apprehended by the law just as they put him in the car the two
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officers were notified of a robbery half a block from their present position telling him to stay put the two officers
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raced off to the scene of the crime after a long wait the party king decided to drive home and when he got there he
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told his wife that if anyone is looking for him he's gone to bed with the flu
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and has been in all day a few hours later the police knocked on the door they asked for mr simpson and
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she repeated the story about him being in all day with the flu well they said they had his driver's license and would
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like to see his car she took them to the garage and when she opened it there it was
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their police car parked in the garage with the lights still flashing ma'am i
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have a question for you your car wouldn't have to paint it black and white now would it ge officer how did
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that get there i guess he just had noticed the disco effect in the garage when he got home
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gosh you know i hate to see a grown man cry and that's what two security guards
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in honolulu found when they chased a shoplifter out into the parking lot the man had just dashed into a store and
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grabbed six leather handbags with the intention of making off with them security had been notified and were
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chasing the man out into the lot when they got there they found him next to his car crying oh no
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come on come on stop you're crying there's no reason to cry oh man you want us to call triple a get
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your keys out don't you just hate when you do that dagger [Music] and now a story about a dysfunctional
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duo who are professional safe quackers yeah these two men broke into a store in twin
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falls idaho they weren't able to open the safe so they stole it perhaps they thought the combination
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would change with the location but when the stolen safe wouldn't fit into their hatchback they went to plan b
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steal a friend's pickup while the perplexed pair were out committing grand theft auto the store owner came back and
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found a safe sitting in the alleyway the store owner called the police who arrived in moments the officer advised
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him to remove the money and leave the safe right where it was the police hid in the shadows and sure enough in less
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than an hour the pair were back the police watched as they struggled with the safe until they got it into the back
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of the pickup truck that's when they closed in and arrested them i'm sure you'll all rest easier tonight
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knowing that these two diabolical masterminds of crime are off the streets and behind bars
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oh yeah why is missouri the show me state because it files cases like this one where an irate attorney showed off more
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than his knowledge of the law [Music] a jefferson county patrolman got an earful when he stopped a lawyer for
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speeding opening argument was a lecture on the inaccuracy of radar units followed by a
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questioning of the officer's maternal origin closing argument was a personal
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observation that the officer would perhaps be better suited for the position of roadkill collector
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your witness officer come on now we're on the same team here all right i'm an attorney
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you're a cop [Music] let's not go through this i know those radar guns aren't they don't work right
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exhibit number one missouri state driver's license credit cards and maui wowie i hope you know a good attorney
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apparently passing the bar is no guarantee of intelligence and as this attorney learned knowing the law doesn't
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do much good unless you obey it this next surveillance tape shows a very self-centered suspect who stole a volvo
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and then led police on a high-speed chase through a very busy end of town just to draw attention to himself well
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nobody likes a show-off because everything has to revolve around them it's all me me me
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look at me i've stolen a car hey and i'm a bad dancer too i'm on the run
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hey i don't know what you're all mad about i'm going to jail [Music]
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he's going to need to make an attitude adjustment real quick if he plans to get
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along well with others in jail that is well our bungling buffet is now closing but please join us next week as we serve
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up another heap and helping of hapless hoodlums here on america's dumbest criminals
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on the next america's dumbest criminals you'll see these big dumb stories
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what's going on here a confused crook in recording trouble a bungled burglary is
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better up a felon is a diamond in the rough got some more in here you want to take one
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you got some more in there yeah the restaurant roof clown all these dumb crimes and more on the
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next america's dumbest criminals there's a wake-up call ready when you are baby
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[Music] i'm sorry oh i'll stop my ribs these american comedy is supposed to be
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killing all right p.s my new cell mate is really nice in fact he really wants to be close to me
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ask the guy dude continuity is persistent [Music] here we go helmet and call me marlon perkins for a
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minute we're about to enter the wild world here we go this wobbly would be wubba was quickly
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arrested and said to poison an important role in an investigation in an investigation here we go
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do