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tonight on america's dumbest criminals does consumption of alcohol make a person seem more mature and
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sophisticated how far will a k-9 officer go to collar a suspect running wild and does this look like your tax dollars
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at work join our posse as we set out in hot pursuit of america's dumbest criminals
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[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] wow [Music] now welcome your host for adc daniel
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butler and debbie hi howard got a little statistical trivia for you oh wait is it that 90
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acres of pizza are consumed every day no well is it that 2.4 million americans play
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the accordion no but i used to oh really well that explains a lot right there yeah i didn't intend for you to do no no
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no wait is it eight out of ten winners in presidential races have been taller than
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their opponents would you just let me finish well but no but because that sort of kind of cuts down on the chances that
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i'll ever have to call you president debbie you gotta just stop because the trivia
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isn't about any of those things all right well then i guess you stumped me okay is that another short joke no
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according to a recent report cameras are among the five most attractive items to
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thieves i knew that i knew that i also knew that frozen foods are rarely ever taken that's why you should do as i do
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and keep your cameras and video equipment in the freezer no they'll never work again but at least
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he'll be safe this public service reminder brought to you by someone more honest but not much
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brighter than the camcorder thieves you're about to see you're talking about
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me no look they have no one but themselves to blame that they were caught on camera
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i was assigned a burglary case where a house was cleaned out it was basically like movers had gone into the
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house wasn't anything left the victim in this particular burglary had a family
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member that went to a pawn shop and noticed a camcorder and she called me and said
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that she had located her camcorder in a pawn shop and i asked her how she knew it was her
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camcorder and she told me because the eldridge family reunion tape was still in the
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camcorder and of course her name was eldridge and so it's pretty sure thing that it was her camcorder and when she
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got home she was watching her family reunion tape and it had the suspects on the tape where they'd recorded over her
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family reunion tape they were talking about all the good stuff that they've got out of the house
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gold and other ridings they were walking around filming the other family members
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that were sleeping [Music] and i'm not real sure if they even knew the camera was running or not
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because at one point they set it down and the camera continued to run and and pan over the floor and everything but
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you could still get the audio of um you know them talking about the burglary that they've just done i just found out
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where the lady lived and the same people that were on the tape came out of the house they deny
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that they had any involvement so i brought them in and showed them the tape and there really wasn't a whole lot they
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could say after that we were all laughing about it and couldn't believe that they were dumb enough to record
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themselves talking about stealing the property and then leave that same tape in the camcorder and
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pawned it it was a real easy case to work [Music] you've heard the clothes make the man
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well in this place they made him as in they made a positive identification here's how a limited wardrobe can
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severely limit your future it's a fashion tip from the closet of something to remember me by
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about six years ago one of my patrolmen had made a motor vehicle stop and the driver ended up
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being a suspended driver now part of the processing for suspended drivers we take a polaroid picture of the driver
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when it came time for this suspect to come to court and answer the charge he never showed up so the court had issued
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a warrant for his arrest about uh about a year ago another town had picked up this suspect
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on our warrant and called us we arrested him brought him back we're processing him he
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denied ever being in mountainside denied ever being stopped that was not him who was arrested it was
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not him driving the car and what happened was he ends up going before the judge and he's still denying that it was him
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well sure enough we pull the folder out and we take out the polaroid and not only do we show him
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yeah here's your picture of the day of the stop buddy this guy ends up wearing
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the same shirt this is the gentleman we had that day even his friend sat in the back of the
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court and said you're a dummy for two of us not only do we have them back then with the same
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the golf shirt on he comes back to court the second time years later with the same shirt looks the same exactly the
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same throughout the ages we have been entertained by great comedy teams like burns and allen rowan and martin
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siegfried and roy they're not in the same category well yeah okay maybe not to you but well our next video finds a
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police officer playing straight man to a guy so full of himself and booze that we'll be checking in with him twice
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during the show oh at least ladies and gentlemen we hope you enjoy these comic stylings caught on camera coming to you
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from an emergency lane in pinellas park florida catfish is one of those kind of video tapes that you just gotta see i
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mean there's not a whole lot explanation even the deputy that did the interview
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on the roadside the number of times i've talked to him will tell you it's something he really
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can't hardly explain you just have to see the video the video takes place off
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a dash cam where he brings the subject in front of the cruiser and he begins a very professional interview with this
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guy but he is so blatantly drunk all right i'm asked to take a couple tests for me
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you're going to try those tests walk that line always why don't you give it a try i'll
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stand back here i can't you can't why not [Music] well one reason and i drunk man
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if you're drunk what are you out here driving that truck around here in this
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field what what is that other truck uh catfish what about that truck man i didn't do nothing wrong
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get your truck stuck out here in the field you're out here driving a truck and you're drunk
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you could have run you could have run in somebody's house yeah no look at you
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look at you yeah look at me what are you doing driving a truck in that condition
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trying to do what he did what who did catfish your buddy yeah i'll tell you what we're gonna go we're gonna do two
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separate tests you know what's your level of education i got 20 years of education i graduated
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10th grade twice okay you graduated 10th grade twice yeah and so you've got 20 years of education yeah
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[Applause] [Music] in illinois it's a class 4 felony to eavesdrop on your own conversation
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how would that work anyway in the training academy police officers are taught to never take anything at
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face value and that's particularly good advice when officers come knocking in
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pursuit of a suspect behind the door you'll find one of america's dumbest
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excuses [Applause] we went to go serve a warrant on an older lady and my partner and i found out where she
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might be staying at so we walked up this house where she was supposedly at we walk up to the door this guy comes
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walking up and he just sticks his nose out and he goes what do you want and i said well i need to talk to susan
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and he says well susan's not here and i said well her car's here and he says
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well i don't yeah she's not here then i hear a female in the background going who is
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it like this so i i said who's that in the background he goes well that's her
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daughter amy she's in there go get her we're standing there waiting for and she
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keeps saying just a minute i'm not decent and pretty soon here she comes walking out and
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she's got shaving cream over her entire face i'm her daughter the girl we're looking for is in her 40s
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you know she's kind of an older lady and i walk up to her i said all right what's
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your name again and she says well i'm amy i said well what's your relationship to
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susan and she goes well i'm her daughter but i told you i'm not her i'm really
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not i said really i said how old are you she gave me a date of birth that made her
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18. what's your date of birth um july 3rd what year is that um we started asking her questions and
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my partner already was just shaking his head you know he knew well i'm not her
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really i'm not so we just start playing the game look we know it's you but i'm
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not her really i'm not sure we know what you i'm not her what is this it's my beauty ache well at the same
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time she was baking cookies as we were asking questions to her i'm not her really i'm her daughter she's standing
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over the oven you ever seen that movie mrs doubtfire that's exactly what it was
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like and then as she's standing over the heat of the oven her face which is like
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a menthol shaving cream is starting to melt you could smell it and it was dripping on the cookies
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and pretty soon we just had enough of it we just said uh susan we know it's you
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just knock it off and finally she just says but no she goes i'm amy she just
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kept doing that after her face was almost all the way melted off we're just like now turn
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around put your hands behind your back and she just said i'm sorry i lied i didn't want to go to jail
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have you ever groused the government is robbing me blind well the hand in the cookie jar may not be uncle sam's it may
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be one of his scheming nephews we found an underhanded government servant who was appointing himself to be custodian
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over a lot of funds here's our blue light special watch closely and you'll see a court
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clerk who is confident he knows the best thing to do with the money received from
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court fines that's right fold it up and put it in his pocket after all why should serving the public
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ventures take a back seat to personal gain and he only took a few seconds off from
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his appointed duty to stuff his own coffers but government bigwigs don't like it for the little guys to pocket
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the docket money our seizures indicate a net net worth of about 350 000 dollars which if those
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assets are liquidated available for restitution his misdeeds earned him a return to
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familiar surroundings but instead of being a bit player he was the center of attention
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it's time once again to return to pinellas park now as you'll see our roadside comedian isn't running out of
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material let's check in with the man who proudly calls himself catfish's best
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friend your head's going to be tilted back slightly and your eyes are going to be
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closed and keep your eyes closed the whole time you can recite it just like this a b
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d e and so on okay can you do that sure b close your eyes c d e f g h i j k l m o p
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i just in case you fall down i don't want you i'm gonna catch you oh thanks
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man that's more than catfish would do i need to i need you to face towards my car
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okay that's your car yeah all right i want you i want you no i just stand there face towards my car
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there you go you can have your feet tied together i'm drunker than the skunk i ain't hurt
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nobody [Music] hang on to that we'll sit down on the ground here no set that on the ground sit down like
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this man no no but then hold on to it then turn around backwards that's a good
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hat man all right didn't say it wasn't do you feel the effects the alcohol you
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drank tonight no no no no in your opinion are you under the influence now clock badge right now
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oh you could fool me i'll take that as a sarcastic yes and now with news just shoveled from the
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stalls of the prison farm here's daniel with adc headlines [Music] a man in texas was given the option of
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paying 9 600 in damages to avoid being put behind bars on robbery charges and he went with option a but he paid up
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using a forged check oops okay now because he signed his life away he's now serving 10 years instead of six
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months fourteen hundred people in boston thought they were being invited to a job
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fair but it was actually an equal opportunity shakedown by the police department to round up suspects on the
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lam 102 people responded to the letter they received in the mail for high-paying
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construction jobs but soon they discovered they had only dug themselves in a hole
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picture this you and a friend decide to take a drive on a tennessee back road late at night you drop the top on your
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bmw convertible and then because you're both drinking you decide to let your
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buddy drive and oddly the fact that your friend is blind doesn't bother you yet
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they crashed and both were charged with dui and the moral of the story as given by the fellow behind the wheel
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never let a blind man drive truly towards the lookout and that closes the file on abc
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headlines news rips from somewhere near the back of your local newspaper jeb meister
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how far would you go to avoid getting a ticket well there's a lady in carlsbad
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new mexico who's willing to beg plead and even crawl in hopes of getting off
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without a citation will she find mercy or just a run in her hose let's find out
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in our special delivery i was doing a traffic stop i stopped a woman she was in her mid-50s
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i stopped her near a rural road there was rocks and stones near the road and i advised her
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that her tail lights were out she came out and she came out the class of jeff jeff foxworthy type person who came out
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smoking a marble cigarette and she goes they're out ah square wow so she gets down she has a red dress
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crawling on the rocks and dirt her running running and everything she was leaning over she was fixing her
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lights with a cigarette in her mouth flashlight on her shoulder she's like that she's fixing it and
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stuff and i go man you know might want to wait or something put out the cigarette because she's there under her
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tank you know trying to fix her her tail lights and stuff and she fixed them finally and she left
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you can do this kind of thing there's not much to it she picture lights like
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in that those conditions i let her go k-9 units are often sent in when it's not safe for officers to roust a suspect
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usually the four-legged comrades are sent running through the woods or into large buildings to sniff out their prey
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but this time it's likely the pooch felt right at home it's time for doggie cat
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a guy was doing some residential robberies in a neighboring city we went up to assist on a search after he
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crashed his truck and ran out on foot into a wooded section the dogs searched for three hours looking
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for this guy in the woods couldn't find him we went down on the beach and started looking up the cliffs the dog
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was alerting way up high on the cliffs finally he found a set of stairs wooden stairs that one of the residents had
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built so that they could get down onto the beach so we went up met with him finally we got into the backyard
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and he went into the backyard immediately found a dog house and started to bark at
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the dog house i thought he found another dog looked inside and there was the bad guy hiding
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inside the doghouse with a cushion held up against the opening so the dog couldn't get in i told him he was really
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in the dog house now in oneida tennessee an ordinance prohibits anyone from singing the song
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it ain't going to rain no matter how many times we explain this the point doesn't seem to sink in the
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purpose of a getaway vehicle is to get away but it's a nuance that seemed to be lost
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on the confederacy of dunces in our final story see how a stick up gets messed up as we go to ocean city
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maryland for we're not making this up got a call for a bank alarm at the exchange and savings bank got to the
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bank saw a couple guys in orange jumpsuits leaving figure people aren't leaving a bank
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where there's been a robbery but he watched him cross the street and get into a u-haul truck when they tried
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to take off a truck just jumped it's not a smooth escape and he figured well this is another false alarm these
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guys didn't look like bank robbers apparently he went up to the bank got inside
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found people handcuffed the people the banks of the guys in the orange jumpsuit just robbed us he went out chased them
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saw the truck still bucking north across the highway got into an alley which it was too big
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for the men abandoned the truck he checked the cab found a woman who didn't know how to drive the truck still in
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there he chased one of the men caught him handcuffed him we recovered the money and
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these guys went to jail well it's about time for our getaway but remember if you've got a lead on a story
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or you just can't wait till next week for more state of the art stupidity visit our website www.dumbcrimes.com
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we want to thank you for joining us and extend our gratitude to the law enforcement officers who make the show
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possible every day they lay their lives on the line to keep us safe from the stupidity of would-be criminals as
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always we hope that we've all learned from others mistakes but if you haven't
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we just might see you next week on america's dumbest criminals goodbye [Applause]
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[Music] you